Original subtitles

I have loved a lot of people.

And every one has broken my heart.

You're not gonna break my heart, are you?

Probably. SHE LAUGHS

- I've just had a call. - Who was it?

My father.

Little Archie, all grown up.

Hello, Dad.

It's your mother I'm talking about.

What about her?

She's still alive.

Where is she?

Fishponds Asylum.

Argh!

- You're evil! - I did it for you!

Hello, Mother.

It's your son, Mrs Leach.

Oh, where's Archie? Where's my little Archie?

I never thought for one moment I'd ever meet

a real-life movie star.

Is that what he does, that man?

He's an actor, he's called Cary Grant, Mrs Leach.

I'll be back to turn out the light.

That's not right.

No.

Uh...

Hello, Eric.

Hello, Archie.

Or should I call you Cary?

Well, that's what most people call me.

- Thanks for coming to meet me. - Any time.

We are family, aren't we? After a fashion.

Yes. Well, about that.

I'd really rather my mother didn't know that I had a half-brother.

And it follows that it would serve no purpose at all for her

ever to lay eyes on my father again.

I understand.

If she knew what he'd done,

I think it would probably kill her.

What'll you do? Take her with you back to America?

Not immediately, the doctors think the move would be too much for her.

Luckily, she doesn't understand what's happening.

She thinks she's only been there a couple of years.

He doesn't know I've come here today.

He's not been too well, see.

I-I think he would like the chance...

No.

You tell him these exact words.

Our paths will cross no more.

I would like to stay in touch with you though.

And I'd really appreciate having someone here...

to keep an eye on my mother.

You know, I'd make it worth your while?

I don't want any money.

That's very decent of you, old chap, but I, uh...

I'll have to insist.

What'll I tell her?

You know, when I meet her?

Oh, well, uh, just say you're, uh, Uncle Joseph's son.

She didn't like their side of the family,

she didn't keep in touch with them and she'll have no idea.

Good chap.

Thanks, Eric.

You'll be hearing from me.

All set, Mum?

Mrs Leach? It's time to go.

Come on, Mum. You don't want to stay here any longer, do you?

Where are you taking me?

To Clifton.

You always said you wanted to live there. Do you remember?

You're Cary Grant.

Not to you, Mum.

I'm just Archie.

It's okay, Elsie.

Go away.

Here we go!

I thought maybe... maybe you're feeling a bit peckish.

Tons of salt and vinegar, just the way you used to like it.

Uh...

Mm, it's hot.

Try one.

How's that?

Hmm.

Where's your father, Archie?

Dad?

He's, um...

Dad died...

a long time ago, I'm sorry.

No, I...

..I thought so.

Otherwise, he'd have come to get me, wouldn't he?

Mm-hm.

Poor man. He must have died of a broken heart,

being separated from his wife all those years.

Yes, I expect that's what happened, exactly.

- And what about you? - Me?

Why didn't you come and get me? Why?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I-I wanted to.

You know, every time I asked, they said you were not ready,

you couldn't come home.

Here you go, Mother.

Come in, come in.

Now the driver will bring up your bag in a second.

This is it. What do you think?

It's your new home, Mum.

Will you... Will you live here with me?

I... I'd like to. I have a career in America.

And... And a wife.

- A wife? - Yes. Well...

in name mostly, we're not getting on so well at the moment.

But yes.

You don't need a wife now you've got me.

You won't be alone.

You've got help here for as long as you need.

And I'll make sure you have everything you want, everything.

You'll be safe here, you'll be happy.

I mean, it is splendid, isn't it?

Cary, they're all so beautiful!

You're so generous!

Okay, next up, Yves Saint Laurent.

Oh, wow! Wow!

You are very, very beautiful.

On the inside and out, you are a beautiful person.

Why did that sound ominous?

Well, it shouldn't.

Everything is copacetic.

What in God's name does that mean?

Uh, well...

Um, well, very satisfactory.

In perfect order.

You have the most amazing taste of anybody I've ever known.

Oh, I thank you.

Really. I thank my father for my sense of style.

That's nice.

That's the first time I've heard you mention him.

It's the only good thing he ever gave me.

Cary, why did you buy me a whole new wardrobe?

Ah, well now, that's where it gets interesting.

Because, you see, England's not known for its balmy weather

and I want to make sure you keep warm.

England?

I have to go to London for a meeting with the producer

and director of the Audrey Hepburn movie...

Obviously, pay a visit to my mother.

And I, um, I wondered if you weren't busy,

if you might come with me?

Are you kidding?

About Elsie Leach? Never.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited!

Okay!

Great.

I have to go and choose some new outfits!

It's that one.

- Are you ready? - Do I look okay?

Yes.

Hello?

- Oh! - Hello, hello!

Ooh!

Mother, this is Dyan, I told you about.

She is very important to me.

Oh, so this is the latest one, is it?

I'm very pleased to meet you, Mrs Leach.

Well, come in, then! Come in!

Oh, Mrs Mapley in the butcher's said she saw you in the Doris Day film

and you were very dashing.

I haven't seen it myself.

I'm sorry, but I was saving up to watch it with you.

Ah. Da-da!

- What's that? - Well, it's for you.

To keep you warm.

- When? - When you go out?

I seldom go anywhere these days.

Well...

- Come on. Try it on. - No, no.

Why don't you try it on, Betsy? I'm not in the mood.

Her name's Dyan, Mother.

Well, I'm afraid I can't keep track of them all.

- Here, I'll model it for you. - Okay.

- Here. - Oh...

Oh, my God!

- What about that? - It's amazing.

- Cary, this is beautiful. - You keep it, then, dear.

I shan't be getting the wear out of it.

- I'll hang it up somewhere. - Right.

And when the winter comes, you'll be glad of it.

So where did he meet you, then, Betsy?

There's a big difference in your ages, isn't there?

I'll admit I am much younger than your son, Mrs Leach.

But that doesn't mean I care about him any less

or that we can't enjoy spending time together.

Don't know what he wants to do for lunch, I've got nothing in.

Would you excuse me for a moment? I just...

want to see if he needs any help.

What are you doing? You can't just leave me in there with her?

It would have been a lot worse if I was in there.

She's trying to get a reaction out of me.

She always does it.

Honestly, you're better off by yourself.

Go, go.

Not wanted out there either?

Is there anything I can do for you, Elsie?

In what respect?

Well, I know about hair and make-up.

How about I do your hair for you or maybe your nails?

You really are a fluttery little thing, aren't you?

No substance.

Go on, then, you may do my nails if it makes you happy.

Great.

London was wonderful, it was my first visit.

Cary had movie business there.

And, of course, this is my first visit to Bristol.

It must be so good to have him back in your life again?

Yeah.

It was very confusing at first.

Seeing him grown into a man. So tall and so good-looking.

I thought we could be together again,

you know, but he... he went back to America,

and he just comes over to visit a couple of times a year.

Why don't you come over there and live with him?

I'm sure he'd love to have you.

He's always coming up with excuses to stop me.

Well, I'll talk to him.

He wants to keep me in his little mother box,

along with all his other boxes.

Sorry, this is the only colour I had in my travel valise.

And in any case, I don't think I'd be happy there.

People are too vulgar.

You're absolutely right.

They are terribly vulgar.

He'll never take the place of his dad, that's for sure.

I think he realises that.

But every time he goes away, I do miss Archie so terribly.

Each time, it's... as if I've lost him again.

- He doesn't like red. - He'll love it because it's on you.

- No! No, dear! No! - Hold still, I'm nearly done.

- I think they look terrific. - I said no!

GLASS SHATTERS

I don't want you here! I don't want you in my home!

Look what you've done to me! You've made me look like a whore!

I don't want you here!

- Mother, let's not get overexcited! - Get her away from me!

Get her away! I want her gone!

That was very unfair.

Dyan was in tears when I got her back to the hotel.

She's not right for you.

Now, where have I heard that before?

Where d'you find her? Kindergarten?

Now, now, don't be spiteful.

Who the hell is ever going to be right for me?

I can only say what I feel.

You're not a toddler, and that's not true.

You can keep your feelings to yourself.

I don't think you really want me to settle down with anyone.

Oh, that's nonsense!

I just want to see a little bit more of you, that's all.

Well, I'll... I'll try and get over more often.

She said I could come over and live with you?

You know that's not a good idea, the doctors say so.

The strain of the journey and new circumstances, surroundings,

bacteria and germs and foreign water and...

You couldn't take it. Too risky.

Sometimes you remind me so much of your father.

I'd really appreciate it

if you didn't mention her coming to America again.

Okay, I shouldn't have said that.

But why can't she come and live with you?

Because when I'm around her, I'm the boy who, who...

had nothing, had everything taken away.

And back home, I'm... I'm something.

I'm Cary Grant.

The two can never mix.

She kept calling me Betsy.

- She obviously liked her? - Oh, God, no.

She was horrible to her. To all my ex-wives.

She just wants me to herself.

She even hated Barbara who she never met,

because she found out her family had owned Woolworth's

and she hadn't got a discount voucher.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't know.

I can never give her her son back.

She can never give me my childhood.

We're stuck in an endless cycle...

..of pain and shame.

Or she is, at least.

I've got you now.

For which I am incredibly grateful.

So I'll make up the sofa as a bed.

No.

I want you in my bed.

With me.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

It's the right time.

PLEASURED GROANS

Why didn't you finish?

Well, why do you think?

But I told you, I'm wearing a cap.

We don't want to take any chances.

I bring gifts! And exciting news!

Hey, babe!

Hey, baby! Hey, baby! Mwah!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I didn't realise you had company.

Hello, darling. This is, uh, Dr Hartman.

Morty to his friends.

- How do you do? - Pleased to meet you.

And this is Bangs.

- You're not sick? - No, no, no, darling.

Dr Hartman's here to, um, supervise a therapy session.

He's my wise Mahatma.

Oh...

Er, perhaps you would like to join us, Dyan?

No, thank you. I'm not into anything like that.

Dr Hartman, would you excuse us for a moment?

Of course.

Do you have to do this right now?

Well, I'm sorry but...

Cary, you know how I feel about drugs.

Well, it's always a very difficult time

when I come back from visiting my mother.

I would like us to experience things. Well, everything...

together.

It's perfectly safe. I've done it dozens of times.

Well, you know, if you're not happy, then forget it.

It's fine.

All right, Bangs, we'll forget it.

Woof!

And what was your news?

Oh! Danny Kaye wants me to be on his TV show.

He's offered me one of the singing slots. Isn't that fantastic?

Singing? Are you sure?

It could lead to other things. I'm so excited!

Oh, that's great.

Aren't you happy for me?

If it makes you happy, then it makes me happy.

Oh, I... I got ice cream.

I should put it in the freezer.

- I can take Bangs for a bit? - No.

CARY: I can understand, people get scared of drugs.

Hey!

Are you coming in?

Great.

I'm nervous about this.

Sure.

It's going to be fine.

I promise you.

Better than fine.

L'chaim!

Just put it under your tongue, Dyan.

And now sit back and relax.

I can see the air.

Cary, these horses are so beautiful!

I'm just going to walk around here for a little bit.

Ah... Ah...

- Ah... - Stop squeezing me!

- Oh... - I'm just walking again!

Oh...

- Cary? - Hmm?

- It's not working. - Hmm?

Cary, it's not working!

Cary, I don't feel good.

Hmm?

I feel sick.

I don't feel good. I don't like it.

I don't like it, Cary! I'm scared!

Dyan, you can ask the universe anything you want.

I don't like it! Make it stop!

Welcome back, sweet child.

How are you feeling?

What happened?

You were having a bad reaction,

so Dr Hartman gave you some Secanol to bring you down.

How long have I been asleep?

Eighteen hours.

Can I get you some tea?

I feel like I've been run over by a truck.

I am never doing that again.

From Television City in Hollywood,

it's The Danny Kaye Show.

Camera's rolling!

Five, four...

Our next guest is a bright, talented, charming young lady

making a name for herself on stage and screen.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're delighted to welcome

Miss Dyan Cannon.

♪ I wanted the music

♪ To play on forever

♪ Have I stayed too long At the fair?

♪ I wanted the clown To be constantly clever

♪ Have I stayed too long At the fair?

♪ I bought me a blue ribbon

♪ To tie up my hair

♪ But I couldn't find anybody To care

♪ Merry-go-round is beginning To slow down

♪ Have I stayed too long At the fair? ♪

Danny thinks I should do some cabaret dates.

Maybe even a tour. He wants to talk to me about it tonight.

Hey, get dressed! Everybody'll be here soon.

Oh, this place is a... Well, it used to be a bastion of peace for me.

It's a party. It'll be fun.

Oh, yes?

What on earth are you wearing?

You don't like it?

What about all the clothes I bought you?

Is there nothing there that meets with your approval?

Cary, please don't sulk.

I just grabbed this outfit without thinking.

I'm not sulking, dear child.

I'm just perplexed why you want to look so vulgar.

Do you have nothing to say about how I did tonight?

In what sense?

Not one word on Danny's show. It was a big deal for me.

And what about me doing cabaret?

Well, you did very well tonight.

But as for cabaret dates, if we're going to be together,

I would really like to see you from time to time.

You know, my job is not being Cary Grant's latest girlfriend,

Just sitting around waiting for his call.

Asshole!

I see.

♪ I took my troubles down To Madame Rue

♪ You know that gypsy With the gold-capped tooth

♪ She's got a pad down on 34th and Vine

♪ Selling little bottles of Love Potion Number 9

♪ I didn't know if it was day Or night

♪ I started kissing everything In sight... ♪

SHE YELPS HAPPILY

SHE SQUEALS, THEN LAUGHS

- Do you want to cut in? - I'm going to get some ice.

You know, Dyan...

men who have difficult relationships with their mothers

always carry it over to the women they love.

♪ Love Potion Number 9. ♪

So I said to him,

"With one as big as that, you ought to be in a circus!"

LAUGHTER

Okay, who's for some champagne?

Here we go!

CHEERING

They've agreed to everything, your fee,

to you producing it, 75% of the gross.

And after a year, the movie belongs to you.

Yes. I don't know, Stanley.

I'm worried about it.

Audrey Hepburn is 25 years younger than me.

Won't the audience begin to think I'm some kind of cradle snatcher?

Did you hear what a deal I just got you?

Yes, yes.

Hey, Dyan!

Will you tell Cary that he's not too old

to have a relationship with Audrey Hepburn?

Audrey Hepburn? She's older than me.

It's my screen persona, silly child.

Just... just leave it.

So, it's okay to have a "silly child" like me in real life,

but in La La Land, it makes you look ridiculous?

I...

Well, she's certainly spirited.

I don't know why she has to make such a show of everything.

- Oh, Cary, no, no. - No!

Stanley, I won't have it under my roof.

My personal life is none of anyone else's business.

Surely even you understand that?

"Even me"? So I'm dumb, am I?

A little scatterbrain with no point of view?

That's not what I meant. I'm saying Cary Grant

is a character that I have created.

I have to be very careful about how he's perceived.

If it's not what you meant, then why did you say it?

- You obviously feel it. - Oh, God!

Another fucking argument about nothing!

Do you live to goad and infuriate me?

Because it's all about you, isn't it?

Cary Grant. Well, you're him and he's you.

If you don't understand the hypocrisy in your position,

then clearly you're the dumb one in this relationship!

I'm going to talk to my business partner. You stay here.

Stay away from us!

Your life is so sad.

Is that so?

Look at all of these invitations in the mail.

All of the names in your address book.

And who do you spend your time with? Stanley Fox.

What? You're worried Stanley's going to hear me?

Yes, I bloody am! It's rude. When did you get to be so insolent?

When did you get to be such a jerk?

Everything's a fucking confrontation with you!

You mistake a different point of view for a confrontation.

Yes, I am young, which means I want to have some fun!

I want to go out and play!

I am so bored of living up on this hill and doing nothing!

Will you shut the fuck up? GLASS SHATTERS

- I'm done. I'm leaving. - Good!

And you can take that fucking rat with you!

Oh, fuck off!

- Mr Grant? - I'm fine! So...

I'm fine. Thank you, Mae.

So, how's Dyan?

Yes, of course you know her name now, don't you?

We're not together any more. She left me.

Oh, the cheek of it!

She's uncontrollable, that one.

That's for sure.

So, who are you with now?

Nobody.

Just me.

Anyway, it's nice that you came to see me.

Well, I had a script conference anyway

for a new movie I'm doing so...

Got to have an excuse to visit me?

Mum, I'm tired, I'm jet-lagged.

Let's please not have an argument, all right?

I don't think I really want to do it any more.

Nobody wants to see an old man in his 60s up on the screen.

Young people don't know who I am,

I'm just some old geezer with a weird accent.

Well, if you are thinking of giving up your career, you...

you've no need to stay out there in America, have you?

Why don't you come over here and live with me, mm?

- Mm-hm. - Well, why not?

I'm lonely and I imagine you are too now.

Yeah. You know, I might just take you up on that.

But first, I'm going to take you for some fish and chips.

- Oh, you spoil me! - I'm starving.

Oh, lovely!

Exit music, please. And...

- One, two, three... - I can't dance any more!

And action!

I don't bite, you know.

Unless it's called for.

How would you like a spanking?

How would you like a punch on the nose?

Stop treating me like a child!

Then stop behaving like one.

If you want to tell me what's troubling you, fine.

If not, it's late, I'm tired and I want to go home to bed.

Do you know what's wrong with you?

No. What?

Nothing.

And cut!

Yeah, I think it really works.

Audrey's the aggressor here, she's the one hitting on you.

Happy?

Jumping for joy.

BELL RINGS

It doesn't sound like you're over this girl.

Well, I mean, it's over.

I mean, it's done and dusted really.

Then why are you still talking about her?

You say you don't want her and she clearly doesn't want you.

So that's it, isn't it?

I mean, I'm too old for her.

And, anyway, she's too young for me, that's for sure.

Cary, darling, I don't want to be rude,

but you are in danger of being boring.

Ah...

Forget her. Move on.

It's not like there aren't

plenty of other opportunities out there for you.

You're right. Thank you.

You're right.

Okay, guys. Can we have you back on set?

Yeah.

TELEPHONE RINGS

- Hello, Mother dear. - 'Hello, Cary.'

'How is it over there?'

Did Archie get the photos I sent you?

Yes, he did.

'I had them taken specially.

'I'm a young old mother, don't you think, dear?'

- Oh, you look lovely. - 'Yeah, well...'

I took your suggestion and I went to look at the most wonderful house.

'Your cousin Eric came with me. It's five bedrooms, Westbury Park.'

I think it would be perfect for us.

Well, that's great.

Maybe I should buy it?

Archie, you make me so happy.

So, when do you think you'll come home to me, my love?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe soon.

Well, as long as it's what you want.

- Hmm. - 'That's my only concern.'

Oh, someone's at the door, Mother. I have to go.

You keep well.

- Don't do this, Dyan. - 'I can't... No, please.'

- I love you and... - 'No, Cary...'

..I know you love me.

'They're just words, Cary. They're very easy to say.

'Please don't call me any more.' SHE HANGS UP

But...

Did you... Did you like it?

I loved him in that. I thought he was so cool.

No way. I got...

Oh, my God.

Go, go and see what he wants.

- Dyan? Go! - Oh...

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing here?

I... I have to ask you a question.

And it couldn't wait?

No.

- Can we just, uh... - No!

What do you want to know?

Will you marry me?

That's how you ask me?

You behaved like a pig and now...

Why? What's changed?

Because...

..my life doesn't make any sense without you.

Because you're... you're everything.

You're perfect.

Because...

And I behaved badly because I...

I was so scared of how much I need you.

How much I love you.

Do you want me to go down on one knee?

- No, no. I... No. - No?

No.

- Oh! No. Yes! - Yes?

SHE LAUGHS

- No! - What are you saying?

Yes.

- Yes? - Yes!

- Really? - Yes.

Oh, my God!

Hmm!

She said yes!

I love you.

I love you too.

- Good morning, Cary Grant. - Ah, Dyan Cannon!

As I live and breathe!

Hey, these are really good.

- Where did you find that? - In your drawer.

I woke up feeling starved.

So, you looked in my drawer?

It's probably not the most recommended breakfast food

by nutritionists.

It is good. They're very hard to come by.

I had them imported.

- You don't mind, do you? - No. Of course not.

This is perfect.

I'm so happy.

Ah!

Me too. Perfect.

"Dearest Mother, the reason for my letter

is I have some wonderful news.

I have proposed to Dyan and we are soon to be wed.

We look forward to seeing you again soon as a happily married couple.

Your loving son, Archie."

Hello, Elsie! It's just me, Eric.

Are you all right, love?

I want you to go.

Archie told me to look in on you.

Go on, get out.

- Are you sure you're all right? - Get out! Now!

And tell him he's making the biggest mistake of his life!

No, I don't like it.

Well, tell them to look again.

Well, tell them it has to be done, it's not a choice.

Don't run, please!

- It buzzes me up. - "Hi, Dyan."

Shh!

Yes. All right, well, just tell him it has to.

Then that'll be fine. Okay, bye-bye.

Yes?

Oh!

"Oh, you've brought me a treat, how thoughtful."

Wonderful! Thank you so much, my dear child.

Ah!

Mmm!

I love plastic cheese!

Mmm!

Cary, if I ask you a question, will you give me an honest answer?

Of course.

Have you had a change of heart?

Why would you ask that?

When I'm with you, it's like half the time, you're not even there.

And when you are, you criticise me non-stop.

"Don't slam the door. Always use a coaster.

Close your mouth when you're relaxing it."

And then just now, I was excited to see you, for God's sake.

What's your point?

My point is, if something's bothering either one of us,

we should be able to talk about it with each other.

That's the kind of marriage I want. And I hope you do too.

Do you still want to marry me?

Look...

I'm sorry.

It's nothing to do with you, it's work.

I've been having trouble deciding on my next project.

I... I'm finding it increasingly... I...

I don't know who I'm supposed to be out there.

Okay. So everything's okay between us?

Yes, of course, everything's fine.

We're great.

I needed to hear that. Today of all days.

I have something for you.

Oh, okay.

You're gonna be a father.

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