All language subtitles for the.simpsons.s30e22.web.x264-tbs

Let go, let go.

(alarm beeping)

(gurgling)

(pings)

This is Dateline: Springfield.

♪ ♪

From a distance, the Simpsons
were the perfect family.

Homer and Marge were
high school sweethearts.

She saved me
from a dateless prom.

He saved me from a life
with my sisters.

Those two are monsters.
Cut to them, you'll see.

What are you filming us for?

NARRATOR:
Marge and Homer raised
their three kids

in an atmosphere
of love, laughter

and crushing economic anxiety.

The only thing they needed
was each other.

When I first met the Simpsons,
in 1947,

they were building affordable
homes in Pennsylvania.

Little Maggie was going to be
the next Lindbergh baby.

But John Foster Dulles
had other ideas.

Don't interview Grampa.

He almost made Ken Burns
quit the business.

(laughs) That pompous old fool
was more boring than baseball.

NARRATOR:
Little did the Simpsons suspect
that their American dream

was about to be flipped
upside down

by the spatula of crime.

Home to a nuclear power plant
and an active volcano,

Springfield seemed like
the safest place in the world.

But that tranquility
was about to be shattered,

in a mysterious crime

that would tear
the Simpson family apart.

Tear us apart?
Nothing can tear us apart.

Tear us apart.

Mom, stop saying
"tear us apart."

It's tearing us apart!

Who wants mac and cheese?

NARRATOR:
Our conscienceless reenactment
begins as Marge and Lisa

return home from a trip
to the market.

MARGE:
Whatever we didn't spend,
I'd donate

to Lisa's secret college fund.

LISA:
We hid it in the last place the
men in this family would look.

MARGE:
(chuckles) A jar of cleanser.

What happened next was one
of those life-changing moments

that always seem to happen
under the sink.

NARRATOR:
The entire college fund,
$670.42, was gone.

And just like that,
Lisa's dream

of going to college
for three weeks,

without a food plan, was over.

For any parent
of young children,

the thing you dread most
is losing a can full of money.

Uh, Chief, you found something?

Zero evidence of Pringles, so...

(sighs)

So we were back at square one.

It was not
your typical break-in.

No sign of forced entry.

I mean,
the dog didn't even bark.

Somebody knew exactly
where to rub him. The tummy.

(moans)

NARRATOR:
A police reenactment confirmed
the chief's theory.

(moans):
Oh, oh, God, that's great.

Oh, there's no way I'm barking.

Oh, Lou, you got to teach
my wife to do this.

NARRATOR:
With zero evidence
of a break-in,

police suspicion
turned to the family.

This just didn't pass what cops
call "the smell test."

I've watched a lot
of cop shows in my day.

I consider myself something
of an amateur policeman.

(chuckles)

Let me just stop this
documentary, or "doc,"

here and now!

We are good people.

We do not steal.

That's borrowing.

Borrowing. Borr-ow-ing.

NARRATOR:
And so this nuclear family
began to explode,

as suspicion focused
on one man.

Oh, what about the important
clue the police missed?

Somebody set a drink down here
without a coaster.

That had to be a stranger.

This is an expensive table,

and my family knows
I don't want it stained.

D'oh...

NARRATOR:
Springfield detectives made

a desperate plea
to the public for help.

- They didn't have to wait long.
- (phone beeps)

MILHOUSE (over phone):
Nelson came to school today

with a salon-quality haircut.

His family doesn't even have
money for milk.

He eats cereal with rain wate.

-(phone beeps)
-SIDESHOW MEL:
Mr. Teeny stole the money,

like he steals all my scenes.

I swear it on my very bone.

Sincerely, anonymous caller.

But just as you're about
to give up after two calls,

- you hit pay dirt.
- (phone beeps)

HELEN (over phone):
I would like to accuse
Marge Simpson

of stealing that money to feed
her gambling habit.

She told my husband,
the minister,

that she was an addict.

In confidence, but, you know.

(Helen chuckles)

♪ ♪

NARRATOR:
Marge Simpson.
This suburban mother

with Olive Oyl good looks

had kicked her gambling habit
years ago. Or had she?

MARGE:
I admit it. I couldn't
resist the temptation.

But then I did.

NARRATOR:
Marge walked out of the casino

and off the suspect list.

Shockingly, the mystery
would not be solved

in the first five minutes
of the show.

With Marge's name cleared,
the police moved

to the next suspect
on their list, Homer Simpson.

Homer's bar tab was spiraling
out of control.

Five, six hundred bucks.

That night, Moe cut him off.

(dramatic music playing)

♪ I'm sorry... ♪

Yeah, our theory was that Homer
came home wasted, he fell,

he shimmied and he found
the money under the sink there,

and he figured he'd just
use it to pay his tab.

Well it's indisputable
that Homer visited the kitchen

before going to bed.

You see, we found
spaghetti sauce splatter

consistent with a very violent
late-night snack.

This is, ah, this is not
a flayvin situation.

Although, I still am compelled
to say flayvin.

LOU:
Sauce on the walls,
the ceiling,

under Homer's fingernails.

That pasta fought hard
for its life.

What that man did
to those leftovers...

I'm sorry, I-I can't continue.

NARRATOR:
But if the kitchen had been
a tomato-soaked abattoir

that night, why had no one
noticed in the morning?

Hmm.

LOU:
He cleaned up the kitchen
after stuffing

all the money into his pocket,

so we just had to
get those pants.

Fortunately,
a simple sting did the trick.

(Homer humming)

Ooh, Super Bowl in July!

(chuckles)

No money in these pants.

All we find is candy-coated
peanuts, popcorn and a prize.

Now, that's some Cracker Jack
detective work.

(laughs):
Get it? Cracker Jack?

(chuckles):
Yeah. Yeah.

But as for evidence,
we, uh, we got nothing.

With Homer
still the prime suspect,

and the investigation stalled,

Deadline: Springfield
was in dire straits.

The show desperately needed
a cliffhanger commercial break.

What if the real
criminal mastermind

was billionaire
Montgomery Burns?

Why would I steal $600?

That's nothing to me.

This is what rich is. Smithers,
bring me some more money.

Need more convincing?

No. We'll be right back.

NARRATOR:
Police returned
to their first theory:

could Homer Simpson
have done it?

Oh, definitely.
Hey, you're gonna distort

my voice for this, right?

'Cause I don't want
no one knowing

that this is Moe Szyslak here.

Oh, and cut the name, too, yeah?

NARRATOR:
As Moe Szyslak said,
Homer was definitely a suspect.

It was pretty clear, Chief liked
Homer Simpson for this case.

Well, geez, Lou, I wouldn't say
that I liked-liked him.

I just, uh-- why,
did he say something about me?

I mean you thought he was
a person of interest.

Shut up. I can find
someone interest-ing

without being interest-ed
in them. Shut up.

Yeah, but then
new evidence came in

that apparently cleared Homer.

Phone records showed a six-hour
call from Homer's phone

to a third party
on the night of the crime.

The DNA revealed
that it was a butt dial.

Yeah, and not just to someone
on his speed dial list.

Uh-uh. His dexterous cheeks
dialed all ten digits.

(phone beeping)

DISCO STU (over phone):
Disco Stu is unavailable
for you.

At the beep,
you know what to do.

When police played back
Homer's message,

it revealed a horrifying truth.

Homer didn't scrub
the spaghetti sauce

off that kitchen with cleanser.

The sick bastard licked
those walls clean.

(Homer mumbling, moaning)

He had a little help.

(barking)

(yowls)

(grunting)

My first thought was
to delete the message, sure,

but then I started grooving
to that slurping safari.

I hadn't heard any other music
than disco in so long.

Sometimes, a persona can just...
it becomes a trap, you know?

I knew it couldn't be Homer.
Every Simpson is innocent.

NARRATOR:
Until proven guilty.

No. Just innocent.

What are you doing? Stop
panning across the family.

They didn't do it.

Finally.
I've been expecting you.

(laughs)

Like any normal healthy boy,
Bart has been the focus

of numerous
police investigations.

But a mother knows
when her son is innocent.

And when she's kidding herself,

and when she's turning
a blind eye.

This time he's innocent.

Just ask his friends.

- State your name for the record.
- Bart Simpson took the money.

I admit I knew about
the money under the sink,

but whatever I borrowed,
I always put back.

Also, $600?

What would a ten-year-old boy
do with that much money?

Slime. Bart was buying slime.

I've never seen such
a cooperative witness.

I brought extra batteries
for your tape recorder, too.

NARRATOR:
Slime. The gooey, harmless

plaything wildly popular
with kids today.

I'd seen all the fads:
yo-yos, pogs, Pokémon, crunking,

the short stories
of John Cheever.

But this beat them all.

♪ On a clear day ♪

♪ Rise and look around ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ And you will see who ♪

(grunts)

♪ You are. ♪

♪ ♪

My plan was, if I owned all
the slime, I'd set the price,

except that's when
the bottom fell out.

(screaming)

Lucky for me, there was
one gullible schlub

who didn't realize
the craze was over.

I sold my entire stash to him.

I have not agreed to be
in your documentary.

Please go.

BART:
So I put the money back
I had borrowed

from under the sink,
and I filmed it

because I knew no one
would believe me.

NARRATOR:
So that's everyone
in the Simpson family,

except for Lisa, of course.
It couldn't be her, right?

Nah. Well, let's look at the..

Oh, for God's sake.

I asked Lisa where she was
when the money was stolen

and she said, "Chillin'.
You know, maxin' and relaxin'."

Now these are the words
of a very cool person,

but Lisa Simpson is not even
a little cool.

So... (chuckles) huh.

MARGE:
Oh, come on.

No one, I repeat no one,
would believe Lisa could do it.

But she's also a girl
who wants a new saxophone.

I'm just saying.

I've been Lisa's supplier
for years.

Reeds, wipes, valve grease.

Would she commit a crime
over a new sax?

(chuckles) Did Dave Brubeck
compose in 9/8 time?

He did. We'll count
it out together.

(humming "Blue Rondo à la Turk"
by Dave Brubeck)

Go ahead, give it a spin.

(playing "Night Lights"
by Gerry Mulligan)

Oh, it's the best bari sax
on the market,

a Smoothphone Jazzhonker
in black nickel.

(chuckles)
But I wouldn't steal for it.

NARRATOR:
When we come back, Lisa did it.

- No, I didn't.
- Lisa, it's your bedtime.

I got to go. My mom's reading me
Harry Potter book four.

NARRATOR:
Oh, yeah, the one
where Cedric Diggory dies?

- You suck.
- NARRATOR: You did it!

No, you did it, jerk.

Okay, okay. Time's up.

(grunts) The reed's mine.

NARRATOR:
You can't spell greed
without reed.

Check it out.

Why did we agree
to do this documentary?

Because all our
biggest stars today

come from true crime
documentaries:

The Jinx, Making a Murderer,

and Matt Lauer
on the Today Show.

NARRATOR:
It turns out Lisa
did not buy the new saxophone.

Someone else did.

I've always wanted
to play bari sax,

but my father insisted on tenor.

In you go.

- What do you think of this?
- You're still a disappointment.

(shouts)

NARRATOR:
But if Lisa was innocent,

why was she so reluctant
to explain her whereabouts

at the time of the crime?

Shut up about my Lisa!
I can tell you where she was.

- She was...
- Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup!

Mom! Mom! No! Err!

Apparently, some of the girls
at school were...

Let's just say I stole the
money, okay? End of documentary.

See you at the
Independent Spirit Awards.

I took her to her
hopscotch tutor.

LISA:
I was hanging on by a thread,

and now the whole world
will joke about

how I am the only girl who
ever needed a hopscotch tutor.

Lisa, just repeat after me.

One foot, two foot, one foot,
one foot, two foot, one foot,

two foot, one foot...

So stupid.
Who invented this game?

The Scotch invented hopscotch
and Scotch tape!

- What about scotch whiskey?
- Never heard of it.

See, I told you, all innocent.

So maybe now you vultures
can leave us be.

NARRATOR:
We've taken up
enough of your time.

Let's go, guys.

♪ ♪

What are you doing?
My family's in the clear.

I want you to apologize
to my wife!

NARRATOR:
Apologize? (chuckles) Us?

Oh, you will, and you know why?

I am the last person
that watches network television,

including the commercials.

(grunts)

I apologize.

MARGE:
Now promise that this scene

will not be removed in editing.

I can't promise that,
only the editor can.

- I got him.
- I'm gonna report you

to the American Cinema Editors.

(scoffs) It's just
an honorary society.

You take that back!

Whew. What a relief.
So who did do it?

It was obviously Bart.
It's always Bart.

Hey, nothing is my fault
'cause Dad raised me so rotten.

Well, nothing is my fault 'cause
my dad raised me so rotten.

Don't blame me.

It was a race out the door
and your mother won.

- Oh, yeah?
- It was Bart!

-(overlapping arguing)
-Goes to show
how irresponsible you are!

Shut up,
all you innocent people.

I wish I was
never responsible for you.

Stop it, stop it!

You're tearing
this family apart.

And stop calling
the sofa a love seat!

I barely like it!

NARRATOR:
The great Simpson Robbery
remains unsolved.

Justice may never be served,

but at the end of the day,
what matters is that we enjoyed

watching bad things
happen to human beings

who aren't us.

Ah! Help, Mother.

(Ralph humming)

(Lisa groans)

WIGGUM:
You try not to dwell

on your innumerable failures.

Instead, you stare out to sea
and try to look like

you're thinking deep thoughts.

Just like this.

Yeah.

You got what you need?

'Cause I got an itch,
I got to scratch it.

Now let's celebrate.

We got through a documentary
looking better

than before it started.

Nobody's done that
since André the Giant.

Homer Simpson,
you'll leave a ring.

Ta-da! A snap-on coaster.

Nifty, huh?

What the...?
Where'd you get this thing?

I invented it.

How many of these things
did you have made?

A thousand. I wanted to
start a business.

A thousand, huh?
That must've been expensive.

That's what I thought,
but it was only 65 cents apiece.

So 650 bucks total?

When did you get so good
at your timeses?

(gasps) It was you, but
the whole time you denied it.

It was always you!

(sobbing) I-I can explain.

No! No explanation.

Kids, get in here!

For once in this marriage,
you did the wrong thing.

I am going to savor this.

I am gonna wait until I do
something wrong, and then...

Okay, we're even.

Well, let me just explain why.

Every day, you go out
to your friends, to Moe's.

Life to you is an adventure.

And I had an idea,
an idea for something

that might make me somebody.

But I admit it,
I was gambling,

on myself.

(sobbing):
I understand, honey.

I completely understand.

(both sobbing)

- What's going on?
- Well, Lisa,

- I'm afraid I have to say...
- Lisa, I just want you to know

your mother's about to say that
the money was eaten by rats.

-But...
-How did rats
get inside the can?

Uh... Grampa left it open.

Oh, why do they blame
everything around here on me?

- (microwave dings)
- Oh, good, the cat's done.

Marge, I'd like to take a walk
with the greatest woman ever.

Oh.

From that moment on, Homer
and I had never been closer.

HOMER:
We shared a dark secret.

It was so sexy.

(both moaning)

Marge, I have a secret, too.

(whispers):
I'm losing my hair.

"The Great Simpson Robbery
remains unsol..."

W-Wait, what do you
mean unsolved?

(stammers)
What the hell is this?

My public expects me
to solve the mystery, Bob.

It's not like we can just change
the format of the show.

You just read the copy.

Our viewers want one thing,
it's simple:

solve the freakin' crime,
be told who did it.

(hoarsely):
And I am the soothing voice,

- the reassuring voice that-- Ah!
- (pop)

(quietly):
Did you hear that? Oh, my God,

I snapped my right vocal cord--
that's the dulcet one.

Quick! Prep him
for cord transplant.

♪ ♪

We don't have a human donor.

All we have is the vocal cord
of a sheep.

And I'm
(bleating): ba-a-ack.

He has an unbelievable work
ethic for a voice-over actor.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Shh!