Original subtitles

[honks]

1, 2, 3, and...

[good King Wenceslas plays]

%% while the snow lay round about %%

%% deep and crisp and even %%

%% brightly shone the Moon that night... %%

There he is!

Here comes Santa!

He's coming! He's coming!

Mommy, he's coming.

Ho! Ho! Ho!

He's here!

It's about time, Santa.

Oh, go fly a kite, Charlotte.

Now, them's the faces I like to see.

Who's first?

Me! Me!

You?

Oh!

Aah! [chuckles]

Oh!

What's your name, cutie pie?

Sabrina.

I don't want much for Christmas.

Some socks would be ok.

Socks...For Christmas?

Now, what is it you really want?

A kitty, a donkey, a pony...

Some roller skates for me and my doll.

You're sure that's what you want?

Why did homer do that?

We don't have any money for Christmas.

Nobody does.

Maybe there really is a Santa Claus, Edna Mae.

You never know.

Oh, Charlotte...

To tell you the God's honest truth,

This is the saddest Christmas

I ever spent

'cause the family knows

It will be our last in Willow creek.

Oh, give it a while, Edna Mae.

Apart from the livestock, honey,

Which of them things do you really want?

A G.I. Joe.

Well...

I ought to sit in homer's lap,

Tell him what we All want for Christmas

Is for that darn cannery to open up again.

Come on , honey.

I want a set of exploding demolition derby cars

And a truck that turns into a robot.

Oh.

Is Al finally coming home this year?

Oh...

I love them California oranges he Always sends.

Thurgood Wiggins-- one set

Of demolition derby exploding cars

And a truck that turns into a robot.

Got it.

A pair of bunny rabbit slippers

And ribbons for her hair. Cleo Rhode. Got it.

Hi.

Look, didn't anybody tell you

That the new secretaries

Are supposed to wander around the office

So I can check out their legs?

What is your name?

Turtle.

Turtle?

Well, what kind of name is turtle?

It's my name, All right?

That's it, huh? The whole shooting match?

You got every kid in town,

And nobody knows about it but us two.

Ok. Now, guess who's going to be driving her up?

You don't mean it?

It's gotta do a man's soul good

To have a white Christmas once more in his life.

Hey, what's he writing All that stuff down for?

Oh, Al's kind of a Christmas nut, you know?

Every year he sends a bunch of fruit and stuff

Up to his hometown in Alaska.

This year, though, he's personally taking up

A whole truckload of toys

And, you know, stuff like that.

I think the town's

On its last legs or something.

He must really have the spirit of Christmas, doesn't he?

Yeah. But that's not really

The question here, is it?

The question here is...

Do you...

Like truckers?

My name's Ray.

Hi.

Good. Now, listen up,

'cause I'm sending something else, too.

What? I ain't gonna tell.

It's a surprise, but you'll like it.

It's a humdinger.

Al...

I told Edna Mae Fisch this morning

There really was a Santa Claus.

Hmm?

You're him.

Bah. Humbug.

Now, look, I'm hanging up now.

This phone call�s costing me too much money.

I'll see you in four days.

[sighs]

Ray, let's get a beer. Then we'll do some shopping.

[opera plays]

No. No way. I'm not going in there, Al.

Why not?

Well, you know why not. Listen to that music.

Nobody pays good money

To hear fat Italian people sing.

The only reason they got a new jukebox

Is for him.

Hey, Pete,

Why don't you just throw your kid over your knee

And let him have it?

He's 15, Martha Jane. So?

The real problem is me being gone so much.

Maybe if Mike and I

Spend a real nice Christmas together.

Been on the road the last two.

Maybe it would help.

I don't know.

He's not mad at me, and I'm the one who's buying.

Hey, Pete.

Nice music.

Don't look now. Does that mean

We can put on some rock 'n' roll?

Hey, Al.

Pete, where are you going? Let's have a drink.

No, thanks.

You notice who stays and who leaves, don't you?

Why don't you guys

Just shoot each other and get it over with?

Well, you have had worse ideas lately.

Well, if it wasn't for a certain woman I could name...

Oh, come on, Al. Now, don't harp on that, huh?

Uhh!

Al?

You All right?

Yeah, I think so.

It's just a little pleurisy.

Can I get you something?

How about a glass of water?

All right.

You wait right here.

[heavy metal music playing]

%% plastic girl in a plastic world %%

%% you got to know what is real-- %%

How'd you like to take in

A raiders game with me this Sunday?

Guess not.

I got a tree.

Yeah, so what?

Well, I was thinking maybe we could

Get down the decorations

And trim it later on.

Maybe make some popcorn

And string it up like we used to.

You mean like me and mom used to.

You and me don't even need a Christmas tree,

'cause you ain't even gonna be here.

Yes, I will.

I'm not going on the road this year.

Yeah? And why not?

Well, maybe so you and I

Can spend Christmas together.

How about that?

Oh, there's a thrill.

%% tell them love isn't real %%

%% till the night %%

%% time is right %%

%% she don't treat nothin' but real... %%

Ha ha ha! Oh!

So...You're still not going to tell me

What's up in the front of the load, huh?

Well, tell you what I'm gonna do--

First time you go to sleep,

I'm going to climb back here and check it out.

No, you won't.

You're too lazy to move All that

Other stuff out of the way.

Leave any room for my bike?

Oh! Ray!

Why don't you ride with him, Mrs. Al?

I'm coming Along

And hold this old fool's hand.

I'm sorry, ma'am. We can't Allow that.

Oh, yes, you can.

Doggone, how am I supposed to drive?

You aren't. Now just relax.

Helen, this is the most important thing

I've ever done in my life.

That load's got to roll

Out of here tomorrow.

Ok.

Until overland lumber makes a decision to come here,

Maybe we can go to Washington for some disaster relief.

Economic depression isn't a disaster.

Well, it is to me and my family.

Yeah. Me, too!

We should never have closed the cannery.

Doggone it! The firm took away the operation

And the orchard contract

And left Willow creek with an empty building.

Don't you think we tried to keep them here?

Willow creek's a wide spot in the road

In the middle of nowhere.

Nobody's gonna bring in a new business here.

Dadgum it!

Can't you people talk about nothing

But the death of this town?

Christmas is coming.

Aw, shut up, homer. You're taking

Being Santa Claus far too seriously.

This is economic reality

We are discussing here.

It's got nothing to do with Christmas.

Mayor, there ain't nothing in this town right now

That doesn't have to do with Christmas.

Willow creek is going to live or die

Depending on this Christmas.

You Mark my words.

Well?

Look, I love you and Al. You know that.

But I can't go.

Can't you bury the hatchet with Ray?

After All, you never were married to Jessie.

Just leave Jessie out of it.

Besides, Ray isn't the main reason.

I can handle him. But the thing is,

I promised Mike that I'd spend Christmas with him.

Take him Along.

I'd have to handcuff him to the truck.

Pete, getting that load to Willow creek

Is the most important thing in Al's life.

The doctor said this was just a warning,

And he's ok now, but I'm telling you,

It would kill him

If that truck didn't get there.

It's got to be there by Christmas,

And Ray's got to be with it.

Why?

Al's got his reasons.

And if it's that important to Al,

It's gotta be that important

To the people who love him.

Pete, you know that no one but you

Can control Ray for that long a trip.

Al knows that, too.

You're the only one he can depend on.

I suppose one more missed Christmas

Isn't gonna make that much difference.

Oh, Pete.

Yeah? So what are you telling me for, huh?

What do I care?

I'm telling you because

I said we'd spend Christmas together.

That's why.

Mike, I want you to understand that

It would take something

This important

For me to break my promise to you.

You could come Along.

No way.

I can spend Christmas with my friends now.

Yeah.

[ring]

Yeah. Hello, this is

The Van Nuys police department,

Juvenile division. What?

It was just an arrest.

Destruction of private property.

What the hell is the matter with you?

You want to go to jail? You want to be a criminal?

What do you want me to do?

Thank you very much.

And what have you got in the ice chest?

Would you see me off?

Don't worry. It's not beer.

It's enough of my famous chili

To last me for four days.

Or maybe lunch and dinner for two?

What?

What are you talking about?

[honks]

[brakes groan]

Oh, terrific. What's he doing here?

Oh, now, hold on just a second.

This isn't fair.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Shut up and unhook it.

Is that Mikey up there?

Yeah. We're spending Christmas together.

Get in the back.

Do it.

Get in the truck, Ray.

I said get in, Ray.

Hey, man, don't tell me what to do.

Ray. Get in.

Take care, now.

You're a good man, Pete.

I ain't that good, Al.

I'm just trying to be fair.

We'll get her there for you.

Thanks. You bet.

Merry Christmas. Same to you.

Bye, now. Bye, Pete.

I sure hope those two guys will be ok together.

What an exciting prospect.

A road trip with Mr. Personality.

I know you, man. 22 hours, 4 minutes, and 6 seconds

To Seattle or bust. You gonna stop

Every now and then so we can go to the bathroom?

Get out right now if you want to.

Hey, I'd do it in a second.

All right, do it now.

I'll pull over right here.

Keep driving.

Just say the word.

I said, keep driving, All right?

I don't need you to tell me to keep driving.

Well, la-di-da.

Merry Christmas, one and All.

Hey, Charlotte. Get out here.

Homer Hightower,

What in the blue blazes are you doing up there?

I'm waiting for the spirit of Christmas

To come back to Willow creek,

And I ain't coming down till it's here!

[opera plays]

Oh, Joy. We get to listen to fat people sing.

The porker parade.

Hedwig Stromberg, huh?

This her?

Yeah.

Hey, I'm a son of a gun, man.

She's a dead ringer for Chuck Conners.

Look at that jaw.

That's real funny, Ray.

No. I mean it. Wait a second. Here.

Yeah...

"Hedwig Stromberg, warbling the title role,

Is best known to TV fans as the rifleman."

How about that?

Give me that. What a jerk.

So, what's your story, slim?

You were painting something green

And decided to use your head as a paintbrush?

Ha ha.

You know, a year ago

He had hair down to his shoulders.

A year ago?

Man, I can't even remember that far back.

Yeah. Well, time flies when you're having fun.

Hi.

Hi.

So, what brings you in here?

It was on my way.

Well, what can I get for you?

Wait. Let me take a wild stab in the dark--

Coffee.

Coffee's fine.

Thought so.

So, they keeping you busy around here?

Not All that busy.

Here you go.

When do you mean?

When do you mean?

I was thinking maybe evenings.

You finally did it.

What?

You've only been coming in here

Every other day for the past two months,

Sitting at the same table,

Ordering the same thing-- coffee--from me.

You know, you're just about the shyest man

I think I've ever met.

You divorced?

Yeah.

Thought so.

Got any kids?

Yeah.

I'm raising my teenage son.

Well, you're real sweet.

I've love to go out with you.

You would?

Great.

Welcome to beautiful downtown Bakersfield.

Well, Mike, you've never seen

This part of California before.

What do you think?

It's junk.

What a fun trip so far.

[playing hark, the herald angels sing]

Charlotte...

Well, what's wrong with you two?

Are we gonna have

Any Christmas, Charlotte?

Well, of course we are, Sabrina.

Christmas is coming, kids.

The best Christmas this town ever had is on its way.

You made a call back there.

Who'd you call?

I didn't call anybody. I washed up.

Washed up, huh? Are you sure

You weren't talking to my wife?

Ray, I have no intention of ever calling

And talking to your wife.

Well, you better not,

'cause you're on this trip for one reason

And one reason only.

What are you talking about?

Aw, come on. Man,

We're going through Vancouver, and you

Know who lives in Vancouver now.

No, I don't.

Come on, man. You know,

And you just want me to say.

Well, I'm not gonna say, 'cause

That would suit your purposes fine,

Wouldn't it? 'cause you know.

And you know that I know that you know,

'cause that's why you're here.

[laughing]

What's so damn funny?

Ha ha ha!

Jessie's in Vancouver.

Is that what this is All about?

All right. So, you knew it the whole time.

Jessie lives in Vancouver.

Well, that's it, pal.

We're settling this right here and now.

We're pulling off the side of the road!

All right, get out of there!

Come on! Get out of there and fight me.

Get back in the truck, Ray.

Come on out of there!

Look, you're the one who stole Jessie from me.

I'm the one who should want to fight!

Well, then, go right ahead.

It's your lucky day. Free shot, brother.

Get back in the truck, Ray.

No! What's the matter, are you scared?

Are you scared? Is that what it is?

Get back in the truck! Knock it off!

Hey, you!

[engine stalls]

Why, you--

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Let go! Leave him alone!

He was trying to steal my car!

I'm calling the police.

Now, just hold on a second.

You get in the truck. Go on. Git!

Look, I'm sorry about All this.

He's my son. We're having some problems, you know?

I wish there would have been some blood.

What were those two fighting about, anyway?

They Always fight.

That one there, he's my dad.

Well...

Solve your problems, why don't you?

Get in the truck.

The other guy's my uncle.

Don't leave the keys in your car anymore.

They're brothers.

Hey!

%% on the feast of Stephen %%

%% when the snow lay round about... %%

Homer!

Ain't there anything we could do

To get you to come down from there?

Doggone it, Charlotte, I don't know.

Leave me Alone.

He's crazy is what I think.

Either he's crazy, or he's right.

No, sir.

He's wrong.

He is dead wrong.

Four ham on whole wheat.

Four cheeseburgers with the works.

Keep an eye on him, Ray.

I'll be right back. I'm gonna wash up.

So, what'd you do, anyway?

I got busted. My friends and I

Were just having some fun, and, uh,

We ended up breaking

A few grocery store windows.

The cops came.

My buddies took off. I got caught.

Then I talked some trash to the cops.

Big deal, right?

Right.

That's it. We follow I-5

All the way up to Vancouver.

We cut across at hope

And pick up Canada Route 1.

You see it? Yeah.

Oh, hey, there's Willow creek

Just over the border of Alaska.

This chili is radical, uncle Ray.

Well, it ought to be.

It came in second two years running

In the coast-to-coast chili cook-off.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Everybody's got to have

One hidden talent, right?

You know, playing with this map

Is kind of interesting.

Well, it's not that much unlike schoolwork.

That could be interesting, too,

If you'd give it half a Chance.

Ha ha ha!

Ray.

Oh, come on, man. You slay me. "you know,

"it's not that much unlike schoolwork.

"that could be interesting, too,

If you give it half a chance."

[laughs]

You know what he used to do in school?

He used to sit in the back of English class--

Ray, knock it off. I mean it.

Oh, I suppose I can't say anything

About how you and Chester Featherstorm

Blew the plumbing out of the gym, either,

Can I? Ray.

Man, I tell you, Mikey,

The old man wanted to kill him.

You really blew the plumbing out of the gym? Oh, and--

Ray, look. I am trying to talk to my kid, ok?

Will you just stay out of it?

Or what?

What are you gonna do, huh?

You want to know

What your problem is, brother?

Your problem is, you want your kid

To be just like you,

Only you mean just like you are now.

You were a half-decent guy

When you were a kid.

Where did you go, man?

I didn't steal Jessie from you.

You bored her to death, and if that

Don't make you want to fight me,

Then the hell with you.

I'm gonna get some sleep. Look out.

You're hopeless.

Jessie: You're just about the shyest man

I think I ever met. I'd love to go out with you.

Ray: I didn't steal Jessie from you.

No. You bored her to death.

Have you heard the one about--

Jessie: Ha! I don't think you better tell any more.

Ray: Do you know where you find a turtle with no legs?

Jessie: No. Where?

Ray: Same place you put him down.

[Jessie laughing]

Double cheeseburger.

That's right here, ma'am.

And potato skins?

Steak sandwich for Pete.

And the chicken sandwich

Must be yours. Yeah.

Manuel didn't want to

Cut the crusts off. I think it

Offended his manhood

Or something. Oh! Ouch!

Tell him thanks.

Hey...

Stick out your little finger.

Jessie: What?

Stick out your little finger.

All right.

Hello, I am from Mars.

Martians are like

Earth people in every respect,

Except that their reproductive systems

Are contained in their little fingers,

And we've just made love.

[laughs] you're so bad.

You're so bad.

Come on, Pete. Lighten up.

Such a party pooper. Jeez.

Hey, Mikey...

What do you say, huh?

No way. Reno's 80 Miles out of our way.

He'd freak.

Ha ha ha!

All right.

%% oh, jingle bells, jingle bells %%

%% jingle All the way %%

Hey, homer, ain't this swell?

Doesn't this just make you want to bust your buttons

For the spirit of Christmas?

%% oh, what fun it is to ride %%

%% in a one-horse open sleigh, hey %%

%% jingle bells, jingle bells... %%

Cecil, don't do this.

As soon as that pump main gets built,

Everybody gets back to work.

We don't have a dime left to our name.

But couldn't you wait a few more days--till Christmas?

I got a feeling.

Daddy, please.

All right, we'll leave after Christmas.

%% o'er the fields we go, laughing All the way %%

%% bells on bobtails ring, making spirits bright %%

%% what fun it is to ride and sing %%

You are depressing

Everyone in this town!

Just send me up a pup tent.

Looks like I might be here for a long time.

Aw, homer, just shut up.

%% jingle bells, jingle bells... %%

Ray: What the hell is he doing?

What's going on?

Ray: Take a look at this guy.

Pull her over.

Mikey, there's a box of flares in the side compartment.

Get out half a dozen.

Breaker, breaker, we got a hit-and-run

Going east on I-80,

About 5 Miles outside of Reno.

Ah, forget it. We got a Smokey on the scene.

Appreciate it. We're gone.

You ok?

Watch your head.

Easy. Are you sure you're All right?

Nevada?

Where the hell are we?

You're just outside Reno.

You drove this truck to Reno? Man,

Don't you know we're on a tight schedule?

Don't you ever think

Of anything but yourself?

Lighten up! What's going-- what's happening here?

Lighten up, man. Besides, I think

Something in your pretty truck might be broken.

I think it's something in the hydraulics, really.

I can get to it in a couple hours, Pete.

Well, if that's the best you can do.

Sorry. That's it.

All right, red.

Toss me down my bag.

Look, we're gonna be here a while,

So I'm gonna get a shower.

I want you to stay in the truck.

Both of you. Pete.

Listen, uh...

I've been thinking about what you said.

Well, you're right. I'm a selfish guy,

And I'm sorry. I really mean it.

Look...

No truck driver wants to be seen in Reno

With a kid with green hair.

I've got something for it in my bag, All right?

Rock it.

To the Max!

%% three is my lucky number %%

%% somehow I know this one's right %%

[whistles] that's some outfit.

What's the matter cowboy,

Don't you like Santa Claus?

No, not especially.

How about a designer water for me

And a soda pop for my father.

Cute.

%% tried hard to forget her %%

%% could not get her out of my mind %%

%% All my friends, they warned me %%

%% but they never met her %%

%% if they ever did, they'd know why %%

Just give it All to me in twenties.

I like a nice, big, fat roll of bills.

[ring]

[ring]

Jessie.

Hey, uncle Ray.

Yeah.

Did you like my grandfather?

I mean, my dad talks about him

Like he was a God or something.

He had Pete and I pegged from the time we were babies.

Good boy, bad boy.

Yep. Our father made an adult out of your father

By the time he was 12.

I guess he just figured I was a screw-up, so...

Well, I guess I didn't disappoint him any, huh?

I guess that's why

You and me get Along so good.

We both got father trouble.

Yeah. Well, father trouble usually

Has two sides to it. What's yours?

He doesn't care about me.

That's All.

That's All.

He didn't care about my mom, either,

And that's how come she went away.

What's his side of the story?

How should I know?

He's never even home most of the time.

I hate him, and he hates me.

[man laughing]

Well, what do you know about that?

The Guy from the hit-and-run.

Excuse me, but...

Do either of you gentlemen

Happen to drive a gray Lincoln?

Who wants to know?

%% three is my lucky number %%

%% somehow I know this one's right %%

%% three is my lucky number %%

%% her kiss told me so last night %%

%% three is my lucky number %%

%% two bridges I have crossed %%

%% three is my lucky number %%

%% two times before I had known %%

%% met her last Sunday %%

%% tried hard to forget her %%

%% could not get her out of my mind %%

%% All my friends, they warned me %%

%% but they never met her %%

%% if they ever did, they'd know why %%

%% three is my lucky number %%

%% three is my lucky number %%

Yeah!

%% three is my lucky number %%

Well, it All checks out. They found

Paint from the hit- and-run on the Lincoln.

Great. Terrific.

Now will you let them go?

So you can bring Christmas

To the frozen north?

Have I got that right?

Yeah.

"heap on more wood. The wind is chill.

"but let it whistle as it will.

We'll keep our Christmas merry still."

Ain't he a pistol?

Sir Walter Scott made that up.

Harv, shuffle these tough guys out the door,

And don't Jack around in my precinct anymore.

I made that up.

Get in the truck.

Well, tie your darn fool brother

To the fender if you have to.

I don't know if we can make it there by Christmas Eve.

Now, Pete, you're the only one that can do this for me.

I'm counting on you.

Well, you know I'll do everything I can, Al.

It's just more lost time.

The question is, how are you?

You sound weak.

Of course I'm weak!

They won't even let me get out of bed!

Well, they're right. You stay there.

Listen to them.

Take care of yourself, Al.

I'll talk to you. Bye.

Mr. Bensinger.

Yeah.

Are you related to those two?

Not really, turtle.

Ray and Pete's dad was my first partner

When I came here from Alaska.

He was Also the best friend I ever had.

Ever had?

Yeah. Old Jim died when the boys were teenagers.

Did a pretty good job of bringing up Pete,

But he really didn't have any idea

What to do with Ray.

He knew Pete was gonna be All right,

But Ray... He couldn't get him

To sit still for two minutes.

Anyway, I promised him

That I'd do my best with Ray

To help him grow up to be a good man.

That's about it, turtle.

What's in that truck, anyway?

Uh-uh-uh. Don't you know

That curiosity killed the cat?

What happened to your hair?

Yeah, don't get your hopes up.

I'm dyeing it purple as soon as we get to Willow creek.

Pete: You're awful quiet tonight.

Jessie: Am I?

Something wrong?

No.

Come on, Jess.

Talk to me. What's up?

I was thinking about how sad it is

That everybody can't just find

The right person and be happy.

What does that mean?

I told myself that what I needed

Was a strong, sweet guy in my life.

You know?

The kind of guy you are.

That's what I told myself.

You shouldn't fall in love with me, Pete.

I'm Already in love with you, Jessie.

What are you trying to tell me?

I like you. I mean...

Maybe I even love you,

I'm just--I'm not in love with you.

I'm just--I'm not in love with you.

I'm not in love with you.

Not in love with you.

[harmonica music]

Come on, mayor.

You're supposed to keep smiling.

Let the rest of us be depressed.

I wonder if homer knew somehow.

Knew what?

It's from overland lumber.

I was going to announce it at the meeting today,

But I didn't have the heart.

Mayor...

You got to wait till after Christmas

To tell the people.

They were our last hope, Charlotte.

I guess there isn't much left for us here, is there?

Can I ask you a question?

Ask away.

How come you liked your father and Ray didn't?

[sighs] I guess-- I guess I understood

How he wanted us to turn out.

You mean like you?

Well, he's got you there, ace.

Because there's only one good father

I can think of.

And he ain't even a father.

Yeah. Who's that?

You. What?

Are you out of your tiny little mind?

Listen, I'm not anybody's father,

And I don't want to be anybody's father, All right?

That's your father. If you don't like him,

That's too damn bad.

What are you doing?

Pete!

Aw, come on, man!

Pete, for crying out loud.

Where in the hell are you going?

Come on! Get back in the truck.

What is the matter with you?

What is your problem?

Al says that load's got to be there by Christmas.

For some reason, you got to be there with it.

Now my kid wants you for his father.

Well, damn it All, Ray.

It's All yours, whether you want it or not.

I quit.

Well, what are we going to do, uncle Ray?

Hang out.

But he quit.

Well, aren't we going to make him come back?

It's a free country, isn't it?

Yeah, well,

Isn't this stuff supposed to get to Willow creek?

Do you care?

No.

Well, there you go.

There I go what?

He's the one who wants the load

To get there by Christmas.

Now, you don't care, and I don't care.

He's the only one who does care.

He knows that, and we know that...

So sooner or later,

He'll get up off that log,

Hop in the truck, and finish his job.

He Always does.

Ray: So, uh...

What? Are you gonna get me to marry you?

Hi.

Oh, hey.

Where's Pete?

I don't know.

You don't know?

I broke up with him.

So you come out to this joint,

Hoping to find some lucky guy tonight, huh?

Maybe.

Maybe.

You know, if I had any sense,

I'd get Pete to marry me.

He loves me, and he's real safe.

Oh, and what, I'm dangerous, huh?

Yeah.

Yes.

Ha ha ha! Yeah.

But there are some things,

Your brain says uh-uh, don't do it,

But your heart says go for it.

Yeah.

Sometimes that hurts nice people.

So, uh...

What? Are you going to get me to marry you?

Maybe.

You're serious, aren't you?

Maybe.

Hmm!

[horn blares]

I don't want to hear one damn word.

Breaker, breaker. Any of you 18-wheelers

Heading north and got your ears on?

You got the wild man here.

Smokeys is up awful early this morning,

And they're setting up toward those hills

Just over the state line.

Got a line of trucks over there 2-Miles long,

So you got a long wait. I ain't lying.

Better bring your lunch or your girlfriend. Ha ha!

I'm gone.

Radio deejay: Good morning, L.A.

What a way to start the day, huh?

They'll still trying to clear up

That five-banger over on the eastbound Hollywood.

Very slow going All the way up to the interchange,

And it looks like an even bigger mess

On both sides of the Ventura.

Maybe they're using it for a parking lot

For last-minute Christmas shoppers.

That's right, folks!

Only two more shopping days till Christmas

This is KSLY country-wide.

[chuckles] I caught you.

What?

Tapping your foot.

You were just tapping your foot

To my music just now.

I was not.

You were, too!

I was not.

[chuckles] you're lying.

Hey! Stop that.

We are not going anywhere with you.

Couple of college girls

Doing research on the cowboy mentality.

You see, honey, part of the cowboy mentality

Is the code of the west.

That means that if we buy you breakfast,

We get something in return.

We shouldn't have even approached you.

Come on, Laurie.

Ouch!

Excuse me. Ladies,

Are these two pinheads bothering you?

Yes. Yes.

Who you calling pinheads?

We're steppin' outside.

Get him, uncle Ray.

[laughs]

[girls laugh]

Here, I'll buy your breakfast.

Would you girls be a little more selective

Who you take up with?

Take care.

You wouldn't have done that in a million years.

I'm through talking to you.

[ring]

Hello?

Hello?

Jessie?

Jessie, am I glad you answered the phone.

I've been so worried about you, baby.

What do you want, Ray?

What do I want?

Well, I'm your husband. What do you think I...

Look, I-I just want to talk to you, baby.

You doing All right?

Don't call me again.

Je--

[dial tone]

%% Lord, what makes me so restless? %%

%% why can't I stay where I belong? %%

%% I kissed her good-bye at breakfast %%

%% tonight I'll be dinin' Alone %%

%% I'm rollin' like a tumbleweed %%

%% ain't got no roots to hold me down %%

%% I'm rollin' like a tumbleweed %%

%% movin' on %%

%% stayin' Alone, it's not easy %%

%% when I get this feelin' inside %%

%% everything she does is to please me %%

%% but it's so hard to stay satisfied %%

%% rollin' like a tumbleweed %%

%% rollin' like a tumbleweed %%

Well, are you, or aren't you?

I think maybe you better sit down.

Yeah.

Is it that terrible a prospect?

Look, um...

Jessie.

Look, baby, I'm a million Miles away

From--from being an adult myself,

You know?

What am I gonna do with a kid?

Huh?

Look, I said when we first got married--

I said that I didn't want kids, right?

I sa-- I said, "Jessie, I...

I don't want any kids."

Yeah, you did, didn't you?

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

What does it look like?

What? You're gonna have a baby

Somewhere else?

Who said I was gonna have a baby?

Well, you did!

No, I didn't.

I just said you'd better sit down. That's All.

So wait a minute.

You're not gonna have a baby?

You mean you're not pregnant?

Well, baby, that's just great.

You had me scared.

Jessie, what are you doing?

Why are you still packing?

Because I don't want to be with you anymore.

Why?

Let's just say we made a mistake, ok?

"let's just say we made a mistake?"

Jessie, now, wait just a second.

Would you think about this,

For cryin' out loud?

You can't do this to me!

Gosh, do you want kids that bad?

No, no.

No, I don't, not with you I don't.

All right, fine. Fine.

Fine!

You do whatever you want.

You just go wherever you want.

Ray: You go ahead.

You just go wherever you want to.

Yeah.

[playing hark, the herald angels sing]

You just can't stay up there, doggone it.

Yes, I can, and I'm gonna!

All right, sheriff.

Do your duty.

All right, homer Hightower,

You come down from there

Right now

In the name of the law!

No!

Homer, All right for you.

I'm arresting you

For disturbing the peace.

You go sit in your hat!

I did my job.

Homer, did you ever stop to think

That if we've got problems,

You're only making them worse!

A town Santa's gotta do what he's gotta do.

%% glo... %%

%% oh-oh-oh-oh %%

%% oh-oh-oh-oh-oh %%

%% ...Oria %%

%% in excelcius deo %%

%% glo... %%

%% oh-oh-oh-oh %%

%% oh-oh-oh-oh-oh... %%

Michael: Hey, guys. Can we listen to some music?

We're just outside of Vancouver.

We stopped to get a bite to eat.

Pete, that's great. You're gonna get there.

You're gonna make it before Christmas.

We got more than 1,000 Miles of frozen north to cover,

You know that.

Well, Helen called the weather bureau

And you're looking at 3 inches at the most

In the Yukon.

Listen, we'll give you a buzz

When we get into Willow creek. Take care.

All right. Adios.

I'd like four ham on whole wheat,

Four roast beef on rye,

And four cheeseburgers.

Is that it?

No...

Let me have four more sandwiches--

Chicken on white bread...

And, uh... Cut the crusts off.

Are you serious? Cut the crusts off?

Yeah.

I'm getting my bike.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to see Jessie.

We got no time for that, Ray.

You can see her on the way back.

Look, man, I talked to her yesterday,

And she was there. She was on the phone.

And now the damn thing's disconnected.

You do whatever you got to do. I'm going.

Ray...

Ray...

Come on.

Yeah.

%% I'm rollin' like a tumbleweed %%

%% ain't got no roots to hold me down %%

%% I'm rollin' like a tumbleweed %%

%% movin' on %%

%% a bee has to stay by his honey %%

%% can't stray very far from his home %%

%% it's the same with possessions and money %%

%% to keep them they keep you at home %%

Ray: Jessie?

Ray?

Oh, God.

Oh, baby, am I glad to see you.

Oh, man, what are you doing here?

I'm on a run up north.

My, uh...

My partner's outside in the truck.

Come on. I'm gonna take you with me.

No. Please. Just...

Just go away. I'm fine.

I'll be All right, All right?

Are you crazy?

You're Alone in this frozen outhouse,

And you've got a gun, and you say you're fine?

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm taking you with me! Now, come on.

Ray, come on. Just leave me--

No. Let's just go. Come on.

You're pregnant.

Oh, I see your mama

Didn't have any dumb kids.

That baby's mine, right?

Shut up, Ray.

If you're going to rescue me,

Let's just get it over with.

Ok, what are we gonna do with the gun?

Eat it. It's licorice.

Oh, wow!

Would you look at her?

Uh, it's a little detail I forgot to mention--

My partner's Pete.

I'll put your stuff in the truck.

Jessie: I really thought I could make it,

But I got sick and then I had to quit my job.

And...Well, that was that.

There was three days rent left on the house.

Jessie, when you left,

You said that you weren't pregnant.

I lied.

So that's my baby, right?

What do you care?

What do I care?

Aw, come off it for just a second, would ya?

You tell me, is that or is that not my baby?

I'll tell you whose baby this is, Ray. It's mine.

So shut up about it.

I'm hungry.

It's yours, huh? Don't you think I have a right--

I'm not talking about it! I'm not talking about it.

Fine.

You know what I would love?

I would love a chicken sandwich right now.

What do you have back there?

Chicken on white bread?

The crusts are cut off.

I guess I must have bought them for you.

%% at 4:00 this mornin' %%

%% my wife woke me to say %%

%% Billy, get me to the doctor %%

%% our son's on his way %%

%% well, I didn't have no gas %%

%% in my old car %%

%% All my paycheck had gone for drinkin' %%

%% she had my son on the kitchen floor %%

%% and that's what got me thinkin' %%

%% bar stools and babies don't mix %%

%% it's time to give up my old tricks %%

%% babies need love %%

%% and when push comes to shove %%

%% bar stools and babies don't mix %%

%% to my old barroom buddies %%

%% I'm sayin' good-bye %%

%% from now on I'm singin' %%

%% a new lullaby %%

%% singin' rock-a-bye baby %%

%% don't need rock and rye %%

%% I don't mean just maybe %%

%% baby, don't cry %%

%% bar stools and babies don't mix %%

%% from now on, I'm home before 6:00 %%

%% babies need love %%

%% sure as Heaven's above %%

%% bar stools and babies don't mix %%

%% to my old barroom buddies %%

%% I'm sayin' good-bye %%

%% from now on I'm singin' %%

%% a new lullaby %%

%% singin' rock-a-bye baby %%

%% don't need rock and rye %%

%% and I don't mean just maybe %%

%% baby, don't cry %%

%% bar stools and babies don't mix %%

%% from now on, I'm home before 6:00 %%

%% babies need love %%

%% sure as Heaven's above %%

%% bar stools and babies don't mix %%

Psst.

Homer!

There's something I think I ought to tell you, homer.

You know All them things the kids told you

They wanted for Christmas?

Well, they're gonna be here tonight

In a truck my cousin Al's sending up from California.

Is that so?

Well, that's something, I guess.

I knew that would make you happy.

So you'll come down and give them out, eh?

Nope.

Well, why not?

Something else has got to happen.

Well, what?

I haven't the faintest idea,

But when it happens, I'll know.

Homer, you're nuts!

Guess what?

There's gonna be a blizzard.

Jessie: Ah!

You All right, Jess?

You aren't taking obstetrics in school, are you, Mikey?

No. Wood shop.

Jessie, don't be silly.

It couldn't be that.

No. Not in here.

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

This is mama bear in Willow creek.

Yellow bird, you got your ears on?

You got the yellow bird,

Mama bear.

Boy, are we glad to hear your voice.

I don't think

We're not more than 20 Miles from you.

Where in the devil this snow come from?

It shouldn't build up much more, yellow bird.

Well, let's hope not. We got a lady on board,

And she is in labor, even as we speak.

My stars and garters, yellow bird--

We got an old sawbones here

Who's just dying to deliver a baby.

We'll be waitin' with bells on.

I'm out.

We're gone, too, mama bear.

Charlotte.

You can hardly see across the street.

Hey, thanks, Charlotte.

Let me know what happens, ok?

All right. Bye.

I don't suppose you'd mind

If I said a little prayer, would you?

No. I can use All the help I can get right now.

I can't even see the road, man.

Ahh! Guys, my contractions are coming faster.

I'm driving as fast as I can, Jessie.

I can't even see the road!

I can't have the baby here!

You're not gonna have it here.

It's not gonna happen. Just be calm, eh?

We're on ice.

Try to keep it straight.

Ray: I got it.

Jessie, lay down flat, and hold on!

Pete: Watch out for the snow bank.

We're goin' right into it.

Grab on, son!

Hang on!

We stopped.

We're stopped. We're ok.

Why can't we see out?

We're in a snow bank,

But everything's All right. We're ok.

Breaker, breaker. This is the yellow bird.

We've got a mayday in wolf pass.

Aah! Come back.

Repeat. This is the yellow bird.

We've got a mayday in wolf pass.

Come back, please.

Nothin'. We must have broke the antenna off

When we hit.

I think my water just broke.

What does that mean?

It means I'm gonna have my baby here!

That's what it means.

Oh, fine. Fine.

The engine died.

Start it up again, for God's sake.

I'm trying.

Come on, baby.

Come in, yellow bird.

[static]

Nothing.

They're in wolf pass. I know it.

Oh!

Ray: There's gotta be a house

Around here somewhere. I'm gonna go check it out.

All right. I'm scared.

Just take deep breaths.

[knock on window]

That's it. Deep breaths.

Pete.

Roll the window down.

Buenas noches.

My name is Domingo.

I am a shepherd.

I think, se�ora, you need a midwife.

Vengan ustedes.

Come with me.

Come.

Come on, baby.

You'll be All right.

We'll give you a hand. Come on.

It's All right. It's ok.

Easy. Easy.

All right, now,

Where's this midwife you talked about?

Ah!

Ah ta ta ta.

The midwife, se�or, is me.

Hold on a second.

I don't think that's what we had in mind.

Amigo, amigo,

With these hands,

I've brought into the world a thousand lambs.

Aah!

I'm here, baby.

It is better if I have someone to stroke the ewe

And speak softly to her

While I am bringing out the lamb.

I'll do that. I'm the father.

Se�or?

Not you.

Not you.

Not you.

He will help me.

Yeah.

I will.

I don't know about this.

Go. Go.

Please, go.

Hang on tight, Mikey.

Hang on tight.

Aah!

Now, please go,

And leave the midwife to his work.

We will soon have a new lamb.

Man, I ought to be in there, you know it?

Her baby.

That gets me.

Why should that bother you?

You don't want it.

Don't go tellin' me what I do and don't want.

I know what you're thinkin'.

You're thinkin' just maybe that baby is yours.

Well, let me tell you something.

It's not. That baby is mine.

I never said it wasn't, Ray.

And you think that maybe

Because your stupid brother Ray

Doesn't want his baby,

That just maybe you can get Jessie back.

Isn't that right?

That's not true.

Yeah, well, I got news for you, pal.

Jessie don't love you.

I know that, Ray.

I tell you what I would do.

I'd take that baby and I'd raise it

If she wanted me to.

I'd take care of her, too.

Man, you're crazy, you know that?

You would do that, wouldn't you?

You're damned right I would.

You'd do that because that's the kind of guy you are:

Mr. Responsible.

Oh, that's right. You are the grown-up

Around here, aren't you, Pete?

Damn you.

Why don't you just love the kid you got?

Very soon.

Hang on tight, Mikey.

Look, man, uh...

What'd you do that for?

Because you're right.

That's for never giving me the satisfaction

Of fighting me.

That's because you've been havin' it comin'

For a long time.

That's for never...

Never gettin' mad at me for stealing Jessie.

And that's for stealing Jessie.

[laughs]

[both laugh]

You All right?

Are you kiddin'?

[baby cries]

Come on.

Come on.

A little boy.

Domingo: Un bonito nino.

Oh, my God.

Me...

Me and Domingo did it, uncle Ray.

[baby cries]

He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

He's so little.

Jessie,

The whole time you were away,

All I could think about

Was how much I wanted you back.

I'm a screw-up, Jessie.

I guess I Always will be.

But I love you more than anything

And I want you back.

And I want that... That little baby.

I want both of you.

Will you come back?

You really and truly want the baby?

Yes.

I do.

Oh.

Come here.

It's...It's back.

Oh...

It's back!

It's back.

It's back.

It's back!

It's back!

The spirit of Christmas is back!

It's back!

The spirit of Christmas is back!

Homer!

What happened?

I don't know, but something did.

Quit hugging me, Charlotte.

Hey, homer!

Let's get that truck out of wolf pass.

And deliver a baby!

They're in that snowdrift.

I hope they're ok.

Yep. That's Al's truck, All right.

All right, now. Come on, dig.

Come on. We've got to get them out of there.

Hold on.

Here it comes.

There we go.

Merry Christmas, and welcome to Willow creek.

I'm Charlotte Kemper,

And you're in a snowdrift.

Well, would you look at that baby.

Let me hold the little darlin'.

It can't be more than an hour old.

Young lady, did you have the baby in this truck?

Jessie: No, no. In a little house.

We were stuck in the Storm,

And that shepherd found us.

Domingo-- that was his name.

He delivered our baby.

What little house, for goodness sake?

It couldn't have been more than 100 yards out that way,

Through the...

Woods.

You're sure this happened

Around here?

Well, it was, uh...

It was snowin' pretty hard.

We couldn't see a whole heck of a lot.

There were sheep, lots of 'em.

Sheep? Sheep?

Sure it wasn't a caribou you saw?

No, sir. It was sheep.

The important thing is, whoever delivered it,

The little tyke's healthy.

All right, doc.

Now, you folks can come Along with us.

The rest of you get back to work

Diggin' out this Christmas truck.

Man: Yeah. Right underneath there.

Charlie, give me a hand over here.

All right, I'm comin'!

It was here.

Wasn't it?

It was All here.

This is weird.

[playing hark, the herald angels sing]

We're here in Willow creek.

Pete, you did it. You got there!

Ho ho ho!

Where's Sabrina?

Here I am, Santa. Here I am.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Santa. Thank you.

A G.I. Joe.

He got her a G.I. Joe doll.

Have they unloaded the biggie yet?

I don't think so.

Well, get out there, partner,

'cause I don't want you to miss it.

What is it, Thurgood?

Man: A robot truck.

Thank you, Santa.

Aw! Aw!

What's this?

Well, young lady, you're perfect.

So is this little boy.

Son, you and your brother did an amazing job.

Couldn't have done any better myself.

Of course, there is this umbilical knot.

It ain't the kind of knot an obstetrician ties.

It's the sort a vet uses on goats and...

Sheep.

Hey, Ray! Jessie! You gotta come quick!

Man: What is it, Ray?

Well, what it looks like to me...

There's enough stuff so you could make about...

10 tons of chili?

What's that got to do with you, Ray?

And what in tarnation

Has it got to do with Willow creek?

I know what it has to do with Ray.

He makes great chili. He won

The coast-to-coast chili cook-off

With it.

Runner-up, little buddy. Just runner-up.

I get it.

Don't you folks see?

This fella knows how to make chili.

We got a whole truck full of chili-makings.

And what we got is an idle doggone cannery.

Hey!

Hey, everybody!

We're going to reopen the cannery.

We're gonna make chili!

Al sent tons and tons of the stuff to make it with,

And he sent us Ray to tell us how to do it.

Thank you very much.

This is as much of a surprise to me as it is to them.

You know, Al's been...

Trying to make me do something with my life

For as long as I can remember.

I just never gave 2 cents about it till now,

Because now I have you...

[baby fusses]

And I have the baby.

What would you think about maybe staying in Willow creek

For just a little while?

I mean, giving this chili business a shot?

Well, I Always figured

Home is where the people you love are.

So if Willow creek is where you want to be,

I guess we're home.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Let's get this show on the road.

Everybody lend a hand!

Hey, hit it, boys.

[band plays we wish you a Merry Christmas]

Here's your Christmas present.

Oranges. Lots of 'em.

Fatherhood.

[chuckles]

Man, it's a funny thing, you know?

I speak from experience.

I want my kid to be like you.

That way I won't have so much trouble

Raising him, you know?

You've got yourself a real chore.

You've, uh...

You've got a kid just like me.

How'd you get to be so smart All of a sudden?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's, um...

Maybe it's All that long-haired music

You've been exposing me to.

Oh.

Hey, I want you to admit to one thing.

What's that?

Back there...

You were tapping your foot

To my music, weren't you, huh?

All right. I'll admit it.

All right.

Forgive and forget?

You got it.

Oh, man.

Hey-- uh...

Merry-- merry--

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

The baby's my cousin, right?

Yeah, he sure is.

Every time I see him from now on,

I can tell him

I helped bring him into the world.

I never did anything...

Important before.

You know?

Yeah.

Come on.

When your mom went away,

It took something out of you

That I've never been able to put back.

I guess so.

Well, I want you to know that

It took something out of me, too.

It did?

Yeah, it did.

I guess maybe

We should've let each other know

How much we were hurtin', but...

We were both too busy acting like jerks.

I apologize for that.

Me, too, dad.

Well, maybe I can start making it up

To you a little bit.

Al just offered me a partnership

In the business.

I guess he figures it's time for him

To start taking it a little easy.

Anyway, if I take it, it'll mean

I won't be going out on the road anymore.

I'll retire the yellow bird.

What do you think about that?

I think it'd be great.

There's something else I ought to tell you.

[sighs]

You see, when we decided

To blow the plumbing out of the gym,

Groves and Featherstone

Wanted to use one cherry bomb.

I figured it would take at least 10

To make any noise.

We blew the toilet

Clean through the floor of the basketball court.

I can't believe you did that.

Jeez, we got expelled.

The old man whaled on me,

I couldn't sit for a week.

I love you, dad.

And then in English class,

I sat way in the back...

I love you, too, son.

And about every 10 minutes,

I'd come out with these frog noises.

Knee-deep, knee-deep.

TV announcer: What an exciting game

We have going on here tonight.

Is that guy next door

Mowin' his lawn on Christmas?

I don't think so.

Telegram goes with it.

With what?

What is this?

"dear Al,

"thanks for the help.

"love, Santa.

P.S. There's a little something for you outside"?

Helen, you'd better tell me what's going on.

What are you grinning at?

What is this?

This, my darling,

Is your own personal white Christmas

From everybody at Willow creek.

Well, I'll be.

Snow.

It's not snow, darling.

It's love.

Well, I hope it packs down

'cause I haven't thrown a snowball in 20 years.

Hey.

You California kids don't know nothing about this.

Gather around and watch a pro.

You gotta pack it tight.

Pack it. That's the secret.

And away you go.

Oh, ho ho!

Ok, wise guy,

You asked for it.

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% and a Happy New Year %%

%% good tidings to you, wherever you are %%

%% good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% and a Happy New Year %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% and a Happy New Year %%

%% good tidings to you, wherever you are %%

%% good tidings for Christmas %%

%% and a Happy New Year %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% we wish you a Merry Christmas %%

%% and a Happy New Year %%

---the end---