Original subtitles

Man: UNDER OUR CONGRESSIONAL CHARTER

WE MUST INFORM YOUR AGENCY

OF ANY POTENTIALLY CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES IN OUR RESEARCH.

DR. ROBERTS, IT MAKES ME SHUDDER JUST TO SAY IT

BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT GERM WARFARE.

PRECISELY WHY YOUR COLONEL TREVOR WANTED YOU INFORMED.

ACTUALLY, MISS PRINCE, IT BEGAN

AS PART OF OUR ANTI-GERM WARFARE EFFORTS

BUT SOMETHING WENT WRONG,

AND NOW, WELL, WE'VE GOT--

POTENTIALLY CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE

WHAT COULD CAUSE THOSE CONSEQUENCES.

GEORGE.

( buzzes )

IN A HURRY, GEORGE?

( chuckles )

( beeping )

( buzzes )

IT'S A TOTALLY NEW VIRUS.

A SLIMY, GREEN BYPRODUCT

OF OUR ARTIFICIAL MICROBE PROGRAM.

HARMLESS IN A VACUUM, BUT WHEN AIRBORNE

IT ATTACKS HOST TISSUE AND DESTROYS RED CELLS.

DEATH IS ALMOST INSTANTANEOUS.

DEATH?

YES.

TWO WEEKS AGO, FIVE OF MY COLLEAGUES

FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY.

"POTENTIALLY CATASTROPHIC CONSEQUENCES."

Man: UNTIL WE FIND AN ANTIDOTE

NO LIVING CREATURE IS TRULY SAFE.

AS YOU CAN SEE

FEW PEOPLE HAVE ACCESS TO--

GOOD LORD.

IT'S GONE!

( thunderclap )

* WONDER WOMAN *

* WONDER WOMAN *

* WONDER WOMAN *

* WONDER WOMAN *

* WONDER WOMAN *

GEORGE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THE VIRUS?

WAIT!

GEORGE!

( alarm blaring )

GATE.

STOP THAT MAN!

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, GEORGE.

I'LL DROP YOU.

NO, NO, NO.

DON'T SHOOT.

NOW, CALM DOWN, GEORGE.

Woman: PLEASE, DON'T SHOOT.

OR WE'LL ALL BE SORRY.

IN THAT TEST TUBE ARE DEADLY PATHOGENS.

IF HE DROPS THE VIAL AND THE SEAL BREAKS

EVERY HUMAN BEING WITHIN THREE MILES WILL DIE.

SHE'S RIGHT.

PUT YOUR GUN DOWN.

PLEASE.

PUT IT BACK, GEORGE.

WE'VE WORKED TOGETHER ASSISTING DR. ROBERTS

FOR OVER TWO YEARS NOW.

YOU'RE JEOPARDIZING HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF LIVES.

INNOCENT PEOPLE.

THINK OF THEM.

( thunderclap )

I'D BE CURIOUS TO KNOW ITS COMPOSITION.

COULD BE OUR BEST LEAD.

DOCTOR, IT'S OUR ONLY LEAD.

POOR GEORGE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAS HAPPENED TO HIM?

( Muzak playing softly )

Woman: Here is The Royal Beach Hotel, George.

This is where you spent

two wonderful, fun-filled days and nights, George.

It's where you met Claudine, George.

This is Claudine.

You fell in love, George, with Claudine.

Claudine.

You'll do anything for Claudine.

Anything, George.

Claudine wants you to escape, and if necessary, die.

If anyone tries to give you truth serum..

...truth serum...truth serum..

...die.

Truth serum, die.

Truth serum, die.

Truth serum.

LIVE IT UP, GEORGE, WHILE YOU CAN.

VAL, WHERE'S THE OLD LADY, MRS. THRIP?

WELL, SHE'S BEEN SENT HER FREE OFFER.

WELL, FOLLOW THAT UP WITH A PHONE CALL.

I WANT HER SIMULATED THIS AFTERNOON.

YES, SIR.

Trevor: NO. THERE'S NO WAY AN IMPOSTOR

COULD HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH THE ROUTINE SECURITY CHECK

UNLESS HE DUPLICATED GEORGE'S FINGERPRINTS

AS WELL AS HIS FACE.

NOT IMPROBABLE, COLONEL

CONSIDERING THE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY

THAT CREATED THE MASK.

ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY?

TO ME THAT SUGGESTS FOREIGN AGENTS.

OR A BIG TERRORIST ORGANIZATION.

Trevor: HOW ABOUT EXTORTION?

WITH THAT KILLER VIRUS, HE COULD LITERALLY HOLD

THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF WASHINGTON, D.C., FOR RANSOM.

LET'S RULE OUT MONEY AS A MOTIVE

FOR THE TIME BEING.

Trevor: ALRIGHT, BUT WHY?

WELL, IF THEY HAVE THE ABILITY TO DUPLICATE OTHER PEOPLE

AND THEY WERE REALLY AFTER SOME BIG BUCKS

THEY COULD FIND A LOT LESS RISKY WAYS OF DOING IT.

TRUE ENOUGH.

AND AS LONG AS THEY HAVE NO ANTIDOTE

THEIR LIVES ARE IN JEOPARDY

SAME AS EVERYONE ELSE.

( knocking )

EXCUSE ME, DR. ROBERTS

PROFESSOR ZANDER IS RETURNING YOUR CALLS.

SPEAKING OF ANTIDOTES.

THANK YOU, DEDE.

PROFESSOR, HAVE YOU FOUND AN ANTIDOTE?

OF COURSE NOT.

HOW CAN I POSSIBLY WHEN YOU KEEP INTERRUPTING ME

WITH THESE INCESSANT PHONE CALLS?

AND ROBERTS, THESE I.A.D.C. AGENTS HAVE KEPT ME

VIRTUALLY A PRISONER FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS.

THEY'RE SAFEGUARDING YOU AND YOUR WORK

NOT HOLDING YOU PRISONER.

BUT CAN'T YOU GET RID OF THEM?

AFRAID NOT, ZANDER.

YOU'RE OUR BEST HOPE OF FINDING AN ANTIDOTE.

We don't want anything to happen to you.

I'M LEAVING NOW, PROFESSOR.

BUT SHOULDN'T YOU CONSIDER MY MORALE?

IT'S MY AFTERNOON OFF.

YOUR MORALE?

YES!

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT

IF THE ONLY PERSON YOU WERE PERMITTED TO SEE WAS...

( disgustedly ): ..MARY JANE THRIP?

EXCUSE ME.

THIS CAME IN THE MAIL.

THE FREE OFFER.

OH.

OF COURSE, IN AN ORDINARY WAY

I WOULDN'T FOLLOW UP ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

BUT THE YOUNG PERSON WHO CALLED ME TODAY

SOUNDED SO SWEET AND CONCERNED.

OH, OH, YOU'RE MRS. THRIP!

OH, MRS. THRIP.

I WAS THE ONE WHO CALLED YOU.

OH, WE WERE HOPING YOU'D SHOW.

OH, WELCOME TO DATA-DATE, COMPU-CUPID.

IF YOU'LL JUST FOLLOW ME, PLEASE.

NOW, WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO

IS PUT YOU IN FRONT OF A TV CAMERA IN THERE.

TV?

I'M GOING TO BE ON TV?

VIDEOTAPE, SWEETHEART.

IT'S NOT LIKE BEING ON JOHNNY CARSO OR ANYTHING.

OKAY, NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE

A LITTLE SPIEL ABOUT YOURSELF.

THEN WE TAKE YOUR TAPE, FEED IT TO THE COMPUTER

ALONG WITH YOUR VITAL STATISTICS.

THE COMPUTER MATCHES YOU UP TO SOMEONE

HE SEES YOUR TAPE, AND THE REST COULD BE HISTORY.

( chuckles )

DO YOU SUPPOSE YOUR COMPUTER HAS A LINE ON BURT REYNOLDS?

SHE'S ALL READY.

NOW, JUST TAKE A SEAT.

NOW, REMEMBER, SAY WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL

ON ACCOUNT THE MEN WATCHING YOUR TAPE

WANT TO KNOW THE REAL YOU.

OKAY, NOW, JUST RELAX.

AND, UH, KEEP YOUR HANDS FLAT ON THE GREEN MARKINGS, PLEASE.

OKAY.

YOUR DATA-DATE, COMPU-CUPID PRESENTS..

OH.

I'M MRS. MARY JANE THRIP.

YES.

THE MRS. STANDS FOR WIDOW.

I'm a professional housekeeper.

AND PEOPLE SAY THAT I'M EXACTLY AS OLD AS I LOOK.

THERE GOES MY CHANCE WITH JOHN TRAVOLTA.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY

that I only agreed to do this

on account of it being free.

My mother was Scottish, you see.

Oh, yes.

SHE KEPT HER LIFE SAVINGS

IN A SOCK, WHICH SHE

she put around the plumbing under the bathroom sink

SO THAT THE BURGLARS WOULD THINK IT WAS AN OLD LEAKY PIPE.

( laughs )

IS IT ALRIGHT TO SAY BATHROOM?

BITE YOUR TONGUE.

How am I doing?

( chuckles )

WELL, OF COURSE, BEING A WIDOW, ONE IS LONELY SOMETIMES

especially after I give Professor Zander

his rum, peanut butter and sausage souffle

in his study.

He will not do

WITHOUT HIS SOUFFLE.

My recipes have a wee bit

OF SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY.

Then I go back to the kitchen

where I have to sip my warm milk all alone.

BUT I WANT TO BE PERFECTLY CANDID

on one point.

My gate may be a little rusty

BUT IT CAN STILL SWING, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.

( chuckles ) ANOTHER SWINGER.

HOW'S IT GOING?

LOOK FOR YOURSELF.

( both laughing )

NOW, YOU JUST COME BACK TOMORROW

AND WE'LL HAVE A HOT PROSPECT FOR YOU.

HOPE IT'S BURT REYNOLDS.

( both laughing )

TOMORROW.

Dede: OH, THEY LOOK PERFECT.

Man: THEY ARE PERFECT, DOWN TO THE LAST FINGERPRINT.

Trevor: I'M REALLY SORRY, GEORGE, BUT THERE'S NO RECORD

OF YOU BEING ON ANY FLIGHT

TO MIAMI, THE BAHAMAS, OR ANYWHERE.

YOUR GESTAPO FORCES POUNCED ON ME

AT THE AIRPORT, DIDN'T THEY?

- I HAD TO HAVE BEEN ON A PLANE. - GEORGE.

GEORGE, WE CHECKED INTO THE ROYAL BEACH HOTEL

WHERE YOU CLAIM TO HAVE STAYED.

NEGATIVE.

ASK CLAUDINE.

SHE'LL TELL YOU.

WHERE IS CLAUDINE, GEORGE?

OH, SHE'S..

I LEFT..

THERE'S NO FLIGHT 27, NO HOTEL.

AND NO CLAUDINE.

I WAS THERE. I KNOW IT.

AND SO WAS SHE.

WHERE IS THERE, GEORGE?

IN FLORIDA.

FLORIDA?

WELL, THEN WHERE IS YOUR TAN?

INCREDIBLE JOB OF BRAINWASHING.

BRAINWASHING?

DO YOU HAVE ANY OBJECTION TO TAKING A TRUTH SERUM?

TRUTH SERUM?

YEAH, SODIUM PENTATHOL.

IT'S A SIMPLE INJECTION.

TRUTH SERUM?

NO.

GOOD, MAYBE WE CAN CLEAR THIS WHOLE THING UP.

WON'T TAKE JUST A MINUTE.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

TO THE STAIRWAY.

YOU GO UP, I'LL GO DOWN. RIGHT.

( thunderclap )

GEORGE!

GEORGE..

ESCAPE OR DIE.

NO, NO, NO.

ESCAPE. OR DIE. YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALRIGHT.

OH.

( excited grunting )

MRS. THRIP.

MRS. THRIP!

MRS. THRIP!

OH, SHE COULDN'T APPRECIATE IT ANYWAY.

OH.

DR. ROBERTS, PROFESSOR ZANDER'S ON THE PHONE FOR YOU.

MIND YOU, DOCTOR, IT HASN'T BEEN TESTED YET

BUT I AM 100% CERTAIN THAT I HAVE FOUND

the antidote!

PROFESSOR, MAY THE NOBEL PRIZE FLY IN YOUR WINDOW.

NOBEL.. OOH.

YE-AH, I ACCEPT.

I ACCEPT, YES.

NOW JUST LEAVE THE TESTING TO US.

Oh, my pleasure.

I'LL INFORM THE I.A.D.C.

They'll dispatch an agent

to pick up the antidote right away.

HERE I AM, CHECKING OUT THE HOT PROSPECT

YOU CALLED AND SAID YOU HAD FOR ME.

OH, UH, JUST A SECOND.

DATA-DATE COMPU-CUPID.

DON'T WAIT FOR A MATE, CALL DATA-DATE.

THIS IS URGENT. PUT WARD ON.

ONE MOMENT PLEASE.

IF, UH, YOU'LL DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN

YOUR GENTLEMEN RESPONDEE WILL APPEAR FOR YOUR EXAMINATION.

- YEAH? - CALL FOR YOU.

OH.

HELLO.

ARE YOU READY?

ALMOST.

ALMOST ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH.

YOU'VE GOT TO MOVE NOW.

Zander's found the antidote.

Receptionist: Your Data-date Compu-cupid presents:

I ride a 900 c.c. motorcycle

and I'm looking for a little buckaroo to share my saddle.

ASK FOR BURT REYNOLDS AND YOU GET GABBY HAYES.

YES.

THAT'S GREAT NEWS!

RIGHT. THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

THE AGENCY PSYCHOLOGIST

ISN'T HAVING ANY MORE LUCK THAN WE DID.

I DIDN'T WANT TO FORCE THE TRUTH SERUM IDEA

BECAUSE GEORGE WAS REACTING SO VIOLENTLY.

I THOUGHT WE'D BETTER HOLD OFF.

NO PROBLEM.

I JUST GOT WORD FROM DR. ROBERTS.

THE ANTIDOTE.

ZANDER DID IT.

BUT, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANY CHANCES, NOT NOW.

SO..

SO?

YOU WANT LITTLE OLD ME TO GET OVER THERE

AND DELIVER IT TO THE TESTING LAB.

HEY, YOU'RE MY BEST MAN.

HEY.

THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT.

I like all kinds, as long as they're young.

No snow on the roof, with a nice front porch

solid foundation, shingles in good shape

and a french fry in the furnace.

HE'S NOT LOOKING FOR A COMPANION; HE WANTS A HOUSE.

Now, I'm no stranger to this game-- no, sir.

I guess if this here little speech of mine

was going in the paper instead of on TV

right by my name, they'd put "Experienced"

with a capital "X," if you know what I mean.

( chuckling )

HAT.

RIGHT HERE.

HOW DO I LOOK?

GREAT.

WE'D BETTER TAKE CARE OF THAT HOUSEKEEPER.

WE DON'T WANT HER WANDERING OFF.

OH, NOT TO WORRY.

SHE'S ABOUT TO GO ON A SOUTH AMERICAN TOUR.

CARRY ON.

AND NOW, MRS. THRIP, WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

( man on video talking )

THE OLD BAG'S GONE!

( kisses )

( laughs )

MRS. THRIP.

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

THANKS TO YOU, I HAVE FOUND THE ANTIDOTE.

THOSE SOUFFLES YOU ALWAYS MADE ME

WHICH I PROFESS TO LOVE--

SAUSAGE, PEANUT BUTTER-- I CAN'T STAND THEM.

NEVER COULD.

IN FACT, I HID THEM

UNTIL THEY WERE COVERED WITH...MOLD.

AND IT WAS THAT MOLD, MRS. THRIP

WHICH LED ME TO THIS.

THE ANTIDOTE.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

AND THANK YOU, PROFESSOR.

HI, GUYS.

RAMIS-- OH, HI.

WHERE'S THE PROFESSOR?

( moaning )

PROFESSOR!

WHAT HAPPENED?

( groans )

ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

MRS. THRIP.

SHE'S A..

SHE'S A HE!

AND HE'S GOT THE ANTIDOTE.

OH, NO.

TAKE CARE OF HIM, WOULD YOU?

CURT, BAKER, STOP THAT MAN

WOMAN!

( grunts )

( groans )

CUT HER OFF.

( thunderclap )

( cooing )

DOUBLING BACK?

( cooing )

THANK YOU FOR THE TIP.

HEY!

MY STARS!

WAIT.

WAIT!

THAT'S FAR ENOUGH.

OKAY, MISTER.

JUST HAND OVER THE ANTIDOTE.

DON'T YOU MISTER ME.

IT'S BAD ENOUGH BEING MISTAKEN FOR A HOUSE.

Trevor: AND SO, YOUR DOUBLE

WHOEVER THAT IS

GOT AWAY WITH SOMETHING THAT IS EXTREMELY VITAL

TO THE SAFETY OF THE ENTIRE WORLD.

THE PROFESSOR'S ANTIDOTE.

YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

OH, YES.

HE TELLS ME EVERYTHING.

EVEN ABOUT SECURITY MATTERS?

THE KILLER VIRUS.

BUT HE MAKES ME PROMISE

TO KEEP A BUTTON ON MY LIP.

LIKE WHEN I WAS TELLING THE DATING AGENCY

I SAID, MY LIFE IS A SOMEWHAT LONELY THING

EXCEPT FOR THE PROFESSOR.

ANYTHING WRONG?

UH, NO. NO.

DID YOU SAY DATING AGENCY?

YES.

I GOT A FREE OFFER

FROM THE DATA-DATE COMPU-CUPID.

NOW, DIANA, CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, BUT--

YES. GEORGE ALSO HAD A FREE OFFER FROM COMPU-CUPID.

RIGHT.

THAT'S THE LAST THING HE REMEMBERED.

COME ON, THOUGH, A COMPUTER DATING SERVICE?

WELL, STEVE, THE IMPOSTOR ALREADY HAS THE ANTIDOTE.

NOW, WE ARE RUNNING A LITTLE SHORT ON TIME.

I THINK WE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR ANY LEAD WE CAN GET.

YEAH. MAYBE IRA CAN GIVE US THE INSIDE TRACK THAT WE NEED.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OH, WELL, MY SOCIAL LIFE

HAS BEEN REALLY LOUSY LATELY.

I THINK IT'S TIME I DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

YEAH.

WHY DON'T YOU TRY ONE OF THOSE COMPUTER DATING AGENCIES?

THAT'S, THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA, STEVE.

HOW CLEVER OF YOU.

IT'S NOTHING.

SURE. A LOVELY THING LIKE YOU.

YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY AND MAKE A DATE WITH AN ANTIDOTE.

MR. BUNNY HAS BEEN GIVEN THE ANTIDOTE, CHECK?

CHECK.

GO AHEAD AND ADD THE VIRUS.

I HOPE HE STAYS A HAPPY HARE.

NOW, THIS IS WHAT I CALL A RABBIT TEST.

DEATH SHOULD BE INSTANTANEOUS.

THE ANTIDOTE WORKED.

HE'S SAFE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

IT'S TOO BAD WE CAN'T SAY THE SAME FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD.

WHEN WILL OUR DELIVERY BOY BE DELIVERED?

THIS AFTERNOON.

The Compu-Cupid computer is not part of any known data network.

CAN YOU PATCH INTO IT ANYWAY?

Steve Trevor, that is a complex, time-consuming function

with no certain outcome.

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS YOU'RE NOT SURE, BUT YOU'LL TRY, RIGHT?

Affirmative.

GOOD. WELL, GET STARTED, IRA.

LOTS OF LIVES MAY DEPEND ON THIS.

DON'T TELL ME YOU HAVE TROUBLE GETTING DATES?

WELL, NO, NOT REALLY.

I JUST SEEM TO END UP

WITH THE WRONG KIND OF FELLOW.

IS THERE A RIGHT KIND?

WELL, ONE CAN ALWAYS HOPE.

DON'T TELL ME.

ARE YOU MY FREEBIE? ALRIGHT!

THEY CALL ME JOHN BLAKE

THE S-SNAKE ON THE MAKE.

A FREEBIE. WELL, WHAT'S A FREEBIE?

OH, YOU'RE MR. BLAKE.

OH, MR. BLAKE, OUR LUCKY SWEEPSTAKES WINNER.

ARE WE GOING TO FIND A MATE FOR YOU, SIR.

RIGHT THIS WAY, SIR.

WE'RE READY FOR YOU IN STUDIO ONE.

BUT, BUT..

MISS!

YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT THE FEELING

THAT THE "SNAKE ON THE MAKE" COULD BE MR. RIGHT.

WHAT IT IS, IT IS. WHOA.

I'M HIM, REALLY.

OH, YOU SURE ARE. BUT IS SHE HER?

YEAH, YEAH!

COME ON, NOT YOUR TYPE.

ALRIGHT, BUT-- TRUST COMPU-CUPID.

IN HERE.

YES, I NEED TO KNOW

ALL ABOUT YOU..

...SNAKE ON THE MAKE.

AH, NOW, RIGHT THIS WAY.

HE MIGHT BE THE ONE.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST TALK TO HIM, HUH?

OH, WE'VE GOT PROCEDURES HERE, SWEETS.

AND YOU GOT A VIDEOTAPE TO MAKE.

- A WHAT? - A VIDEOTAPE.

- IN HERE. - WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

OH, THEY'LL LOVE YOU.

IS WARD IN THE CONTROL ROOM?

- MAYBE. - MAYBE?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DON'T TELL ME YOU STOPPED KEEPING TRACK OF HIS EVERY MOVE.

OH, YOU'RE REAL CUTE.

MUST BE THE REASON WHY WARD DROPPED ME

LIKE A LIT FIRECRACKER WHEN YOU CAME THROUGH THE DOOR, HMM?

NO.

I THINK IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS BORED.

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU STIMULATE HIS INTELLECT

DON'T YOU?

DON'T KNOCK IT

UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED IT.

OH, WELL, HERE'S SOMETHING TO STIMULATE YOUR INTELLECT.

I'M STICKING AROUND HERE, SISTER.

YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE ONE DAY

YOU'RE GOING TO BE THAT LIT FIRECRACKER

AND I INTEND TO BE HERE TO ENJOY THE BIG...BANG.

YOU KNOW, MY ADVICE TO YOU

IS TO GET YOURSELF IN THERE

IN FRONT OF THOSE CAMERAS, AND CROSS YOUR FINGERS

'CAUSE IT SOUNDS TO ME LIKE

YOU'RE GOING TO BE HERE FOR QUITE A WHILE.

- HOW DO YOU FEEL? - INVULNERABLE.

GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG THE ANTIDOTE WILL LAST

SO I SUGGEST WE MAKE OUR MOVE THIS AFTERNOON.

NO PROBLEM.

IS THAT OUR DELIVERY BOY?

Ward: HE DOESN'T LOOK LIKE MUCH, BUT BY THE END OF THE DAY

HE WILL HAVE BECOME FAMOUS.

INFAMOUS.

"THE SNAKE ON THE MAKE" TO MY FRIENDS

AMONG WHOM I HOPE TO COUNT YOU BEFORE TOO LONG

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

ANYWAY, I FLY A HELICOPTER FOR A LIVING.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I'M ONE OF THE VERY FEW PILOTS

LICENSED TO FLY A CHOPPER OVER OUR NATION'S MOST SACRED

MONUMENTS AND BUILDINGS.

I TAKE TOURISTS ON AERIAL TOURS

OF THIS GREAT BIG CAPITAL CITY OF OURS.

LIKE THIS AFTERNOON. I STARTED OUT

AT DULLES AIRPORT, PICKED UP A HALF A DOZEN GOOD FOLK

PASSED A TRIPLE SECURITY CHECK

AND THEN I CRUISED MY GOOD FOLK SOUTHWARD DOWN THE POTOMAC RIVER

TO THE NAVY YARD, AND THEN NORTH

AND I SHOW 'EM WHERE HISTORY IS MADE:

THE CAPITOL BUILDING, LIBRARY OF CONGRESS

CONSTITUTION HALL, NATIONAL GALLERY, CAPITOL HILL.

AND FINALLY, A RUN UP PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE

TO THE GREATEST THRILL OF THEM ALL, THE WHITE HOUSE.

I MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T LIVED

UNTIL YOU'VE LOOKED INTO THE WHITE HOUSE WINDOWS AT 300 FEET.

THE WHITE HOUSE, MAN!

Beep, beep.

HEY, YOU LOOKING FOR ME, ROVER?

Yeah, you got it.

WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

YOUR BOSS JUST MADE CONTACT WITH COMPU-CUPID, HUH?

OKAY. LEAD THE WAY.

Alright, let's go.

Beep-beep.

YOU, MY DEAR, ARE A GENIUS.

MY GENIUS WOULD BE A TOTAL WASTE

WERE IT NOT FOR YOUR GENIUS IN PUTTING IT TO USE.

SHALL WE GET THE, UH, "SNAKE ON THE MAKE" STARTED

ON HIS VACATION?

RIGHT. OH.

IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER CUSTOMER.

YOU'D BETTER GET RID OF HER FIRST.

DIANA PRINCE.

SHE'S AN I.A.D.C. AGENT.

SHE WAS IN THE LAB WITH ROBERTS

WHEN YOU STOLE THE VIRUS REMEMBER?

- SHE MUST BE ON TO US. - GET RID OF HER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

ARE YOU SURE THE SIMULATION

OF AN I.A.D.C. AGENT WOULDN'T COME IN HANDY?

PERHAPS.

ESPECIALLY A DEAD I.A.D.C. AGENT.

HI.

MY NAME IS JESSICA ABERNATHY.

The Compu-Cupid computer is programmed

for two basic functions.

As a database for dissemination of information

regarding persons seeking companionship

with members of the opposite sex.

A DATING SERVICE?

Affirmative.

WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?

GO ON.

Also, as a patented data- simulator, specializing

in the three-dimensional duplication

of specific human characteristics.

THAT'S WHERE THEY'VE BEEN MAKING THE MASKS AND THE GLOVES.

IRA, CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE PEOPLE MOST RECENTLY SIMULATED

BY COMPU-CUPID?

Naturally.

GOOD.

WELL, COME ON. WE'VE GOT TO FIND OUT

WHAT THEY'LL DO WITH THAT VIRUS.

Mrs. Mary Jane Thrip.

ALRIGHT, AND AFTER HER?

One John Blake.

OKAY, WHO ELSE?

One Diana Prince.

DIANA!

That's right, Steve Trevor.

THIS IS COLONEL TREVOR.

I NEED A CAR OUT FRONT IMMEDIATELY.

Let's go, Steve, go!

It really was love at first sight, thanks to...Compu-Cupid.

Actually, I met him right outside

the minute I walked in the door. I couldn't believe it.

THANKS TO COMPU-CUPID

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT IS GOING TO BE A REAL GAS, LADY.

And I, oh, maybe I've talked enough about

about, uh, John Blake.

Maybe I should talk about myself.

I...I came from..

( coughs )

Oh, my gosh. You got a fire here.

Uh, you'd better call the Fire Department.

SWEET DREAMS, BABY.

Dede: HOW'S IT LOOK?

GOOD ENOUGH TO FOOL AIRPORT SECURITY AT DULLES.

REMEMBER WHY THERE WON'T BE ANY OTHER PASSENGERS.

YOU BOUGHT OUT THE FLIGHT

SO YOU CAN SEE D.C. FROM THE AIR, ALL ALONE.

LET'S GO.

I TOLD VAL TO TAKE CARE OF THE PRINCE LADY

WHEN SNAKE GETS STARTED ON HIS TRIP.

IS THE CHOPPER READY?

EVERYTHING WE NEED IS WAITING

INCLUDING THIS.

TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

TO THE WHITE HOUSE.

HI.

THEY USED SLEEPING GAS ON HIM.

DIANA'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.

SHE'LL BE ALRIGHT.

THIS IS THE ONE WE'VE GOT TO WORRY ABOUT.

HE'S THE ONE THEY'VE SIMULATED.

THIS GUY? WHY?

WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE TO FIND OUT.

WE'VE PASSED AIRPORT SECURITY.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE OFF THAT MASK?

GOOD IDEA.

THANKS FOR, UH, LETTING ME DO THE HONORS.

WELL, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S HELL-BENT

ON TEACHING THE GOVERNMENT A LESSON.

IT'S ONLY FAIR.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY BROTHER DIED

DURING ONE OF THEIR DOOMSDAY EXPERIMENTS, NO ONE LISTENED.

AND RECENTLY, FIVE MORE MEN DIED

AND STILL NO ONE LISTENED.

AND NOW...WITHIN THE HOUR, TENS OF THOUSANDS WILL HAVE PERISHED.

IT'LL START AT THE WHITE HOUSE

DESCEND CAPITOL HILL

WIPE OUT ALL THE FEDERAL AGENCIES

OBLITERATE THE PENTAGON.

AND ASSURE THAT RESEARCH

INTO SUCH DOOMSDAY EXPERIMENTS IS ABANDONED FOREVER.

IT'S NOT VERY SUBTLE, BUT MOST DEFINITELY EFFECTIVE.

ALL I KNOW IS IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT TO SIMULATE

THAT CREEP-O HELICOPTER PILOT.

HELICOPTER PILOT?

YEAH, HE TAKES TOURISTS

ON AERIAL TOURS OF WASHINGTON.

WHERE?

WELL, HOW SHOULD I KNOW?

HERE'S THE PLAYBACK.

The National Gallery, Constitution Hall

Library of Congress, Capitol Hill.

And then, a run up Pennsylvania Avenue

to the greatest thrill of them all, the White House.

I mean, you haven't lived until you've looked

into the White House windows

at 300 feet.

The White House, man!

As a matter of fact, I'm one

of the very few pilots licensed to fly a chopper

over our nation's most sacred buildings and monuments.

I take tourists on aerial tours..

HELLO, CHARLIE.

THIS IS STEVE TREVOR. NOW, LISTEN CAREFULLY.

YOU GOT A FULL-BLOWN RED ALERT HEADING YOUR WAY.

LOOK AT THAT BIG BABY.

HANG ON.

WE'RE GOING IN.

OKAY. TOSS IT OUT.

Ward: OH, NO!

THROW IT, WARD.

THROW IT!

MAKE 'EM LEARN.

THROW IT!

Trevor: WITH WARD, DEDE AND VAL IN CUSTODY

THE BEST PLACE FOR THAT VIRUS IS IN A FURNACE.

WITH THE ADDITION OF THE ANTIDOTE, THE VIRUS IS HARMLESS.

YES, BUT WHAT ABOUT NEXT TIME

A DEADLY VIRUS IS ACCIDENTALLY DISCOVERED IN A LABORATORY?

WELL, I FOR ONE PLAN TO SEE

THAT THERE IS NO NEXT TIME.

I WISH THOSE TWO YOUNG PEOPLE HAD THOUGHT

OF ANOTHER WAY OF MAKING THEIR FEELINGS KNOWN.

UH, WHICH REMINDS ME.

THERE IS STILL ONE THING THAT BOTHERS ME ABOUT ALL THIS.

WHAT'S THAT?

MRS. THRIP, WHY DID YOU GO TO THAT DATING SERVICE?

WELL, I WANTED TO HAVE A BIT OF FUN.

AND I GOT TIRED OF WAITING FOR YOU.

OH! DEAR GIRL..

HAVE I BEEN SO WRAPPED UP IN MY WORK

THAT I OVERLOOKED A GEM LIKE YOU?

YES!

TO RECTIFY THE OVERSIGHT..

COMPU-CUPID STRIKES AGAIN.

* WONDER WOMAN WONDER WOMAN *

* WONDER WOMAN