Original subtitles

I've just bought meself a lottery ticket.

I don't suppose I'll win owt, knowing my luck, but somebody's got to, an't they?

- Crikey! - (GOD-LIKE VOICE) It's you!

Sorry, I mean YOU.

YEEEEAAAAH!

- Martin. - Morning. Morning.

What news?

As soon as we've go the acoustic deck on, you'll have a waterproof building.

Then we'll be in with the second-fix electrics and the joinery simultaneously.

- What are you saying? Are we on schedule? - Yes.

- Have the unit costs risen dramatically? - No. It'll be ready for occupation on the due date.

Good, good. Two words - penalty clauses. I've been meaning to discuss this with you and...

Wah-hah! A digger! Waaaah-hah! A crane!

This week I are been mostly eating roasted chickens.

(COOL JAZZ INTRO)

Hello, and welcome to "Jazz Club", bringing you all that's best in the world of jazz.

Ni-ice!

An act that "Wrong Note" magazine described as the best of the young British jazz upstarts.

Gr-reat!

It's the James Nance Quartet, with James Nance on Hammond, naturally.

Theydon Bois on guitar, Sid Bellamy on drums and Clam on bass.

They're playing Buddy Freak's "Desolate Shore" in an inventive new arrangement.

Although it follows the original 32-bar AABA structure,

instead of providing a harmonic departure from the A section,

the bridge resolves the rising chromatic pattern.

Great? Wonderful!

"Desolate Shore".

(ATONAL MISHMASH OF SOUNDS)

Oi, mate, mate, mate. Don't park your car here. It's not safe here. It'll get nicked.

It's mad round 'ere. Another word of advice - the briefcase.

Walking around with that, you're advertising it.

Don't get me wrong, it's a nice area, but it only takes one family. Unfortunately, it's MY family.

I'm a one-man crime wave. I'll nick anything. I'm a little bit wuuuh, a little waay, a bit dodgy.

I'm a geezer! I'll nick anything! Do yourself a favour, mate, park somewhere else.

(QUIETLY) I've got his wallet!

All right. Come on, boys, cricket bat.

Stumps.

Balls. And score pad and pen. You can get that.

Right, come on, chop chop.

I'll just pace it out. I've made a small wicket. You are children, after all.

Now, Peter, you may bowl. Toby, you're field.

Toby, Toby, over here.

Come on, chop chop! Your mother will adjudicate. Right, then...

No! No, no, underarm! Be a lot easier for you.

I'll just get my sight.

Thank you. Away we go.

..two...three...

..four...five...

..twenty-four...twenty-five...twenty-six.

Twenty-six of the Queen's runs!

..fifty-seven...fifty-eight...

..fifty-nine... Got it, dear?

(DISCO MUSIC)

- All right, mate? - Fine!

- Loud here, innit? - Yeah!

It's loud enough to make your ears bleed!

(MUFFLED RESPONSE)

- What? - I said, that's like our Lord Jesus, isn't it?

He bled on the cross for all our sins, didn't he?

See ya, mate.

- (INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION) - ..139...140...

(THEME MUSIC)

Bonas stente e bonas stente, Dr Bubakles.

Footra habiento nikatis poo

enkeros politikus skrewbaticus democracia republica tenbiblitos militaria.

Ney, porbabitus. Una, te babito cokerus.

Mixat te babito dexterus casa popo inafanteros et dubito ecomonikos.

Balloto te canderis filandero govermentia.

Hmm. Tu tupentos stupento avenisto banking?

Kotobento cocina teste bankos centrale futro corocos nitro persetta financio.

Didi, didi ba, fahehi-la, fahehi-la, fahehi-ley, fahehi-ley.

Ene benetos estalianto tackelo tubuto elipo punatros.

Hanatos in kila cobitos benles lec of feta benetos kentalika heth heth heth heth heth!

Fokt ensetta inflaytion!

- Questa? - Inflaytion!

- Inflaytion? Poula! - Inflaytion!

- Inflaytion! - (KLAXON)

- Inflaytion! - (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(DROWNED OUT BY CHEERING)

Duno Lucky Slam! Oh, no, Mr Quicho! Flano!

Atey loca!

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

Boutros Boutros Ghali!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

And on the way back from the cove,

we saw Stevie Nicks and Helena Bonham Carter, so we gave them a lift on the back of the tractor,

which was nice.

Here, Mary, take this ring to the Duke of Norfolk.

- Tell him my father the King is held captive... - (WHISTLE)

Cooee! Hello, darlin', lovely jugs!

- Come on, let's see your front bit! Weyhey! - Come on!

..he may barely live the night out.

- A smile don't cost nothin'! - Give us a smile! Don't cost nothin'!

- Snooty cow! - Woof woof woof woof!

- Lesbians, Dave. - Lesbians, Dave.

Aren't old people brilliant? They're young people who've been around for a really long time.

Years and years.

What happens is, the longer they live, the more clothes they put on. Yeah!

Wearing coats! Brilliant! Two coats at a time!

And hats and that, and scarves! Fantastic! Old ladies really are bonkers!

What they do is, they cackle, moan about the war, and then they die. Fantastic!

(APPLAUSE, WHISTLING, CHEERING)

- These are nice. - Ooh, they are, aren't they, madam?

Ooh, suit you. 100% artificial fibres, no danger of shrinking.

- A bit bright. - Perhaps sir would prefer something more beige.

A nice dull brown. Oh, suit you. The earthy tones of dun.

Well, I rather like grey.

Really, you're such an old stick-in-the-mud!

- I know what I like! - I'm sure you do, sir - man of your age.

- People should respect your age and experience. - Quite.

Lot of people write off the elderly, sir. Say they have no relevance.

- They're in the twilight of their years, gaga. - All right!

But you're still fit and virile, you're still young at heart.

I expect you give the wife a good seeing to every now and then. Suit you.

People labour under the delusion that old people don't make the beast with two backs any more.

Not you, sir. I expect you're at it morning, noon and night. Oh, suit you!

I expect he's a pest. Some nights you'd rather read.

Yes, I do like to read.

Oh, she's a wild one, isn't she, sir? A mink, a monkey, a moaning Messalina! Oh!

Mind you, I expect you still hanker after a young body, sir.

After all, you were young once, weren't you, sir?

You know there are girls of 16 out there, sir, doing it! Oh!

Suit you, sir? One last fling before you pop your clogs.

You should be ashamed of yourself, sir, you randy old goat!

These hankies are rather jolly.

Have you tried drugs to heighten sexual awareness, sir?

- Have you tried violence, madam? - How about these slacks?

- No, I don't like any of these. - Thank you.

- We're not getting through, Ken. - Press on, Kenneth.

Have you tried massage, sir? With oils and unguents?

- Rhino horn? - Latex foundations, madam?

- Tiger's gonads? - Poppers? - Bull's pizzle?

It would be unfair to pass through this county

without drawing your attention to this huge oak tree,

which dominates the skyline as far as Newcastle to the north and Market Harborough to the south.

Like many trees of its age, it has a history,

and what a macabre and dark history its knots and branches reveal.

For this oak is the notorious Hanging Tree,

as used by Oliver Cromwell and later Henry III

as a primitive gallows, whereby many a poor beast wriggled and lurched in his death throes.

And some say, if you cock an ear, you may still hear their cries ringing across the Dales.

But not today.

Who knows what terrible stories ended on the boughs of this tree?

One man knew. His name - Arthur Rollie, Cromwell's hated and feared executioner.

A bent and stunted figure, he perfected the famous Rollie knot,

which did for many a highwayman.

Arthur Rollie lived here inside the tree in primitive, carved living quarters,

complete with toilet, bed and study, like some ghastly lighthouse keeper.

Eventually, Rollie was entombed inside the tree.

His quarters were sealed up by proxy in the purge of St Swithin.

But if we look below the western eave, we may still see the door carved into the bark.

This is the wrong tree.

Everyone's been caught with their pants down again by that 1% fall,

but the cuts will help the interim rise to around 7.3 million.

And... Oh, look, here's a picture of a monkey!

(MAKES MONKEY NOISES)

Good morning, Miss Schumacher (!) Thank you very much for stopping.

- Do you realise why I pulled you over? - It's the jacket. Doesn't work with this top.

Change of skirt maybe? Should I have worn different earrings?

Something a bit more dangly, a bit more fun, a bit more crazy.

Should I have worn my hair up? More grown up? Might have made me look severe.

- I know what you're thinking... - Morning, madam.

No, listen, come back! I need to know the truth! Does my bum look big in this car?

You're hurt, Rico, you're hurt bad!

Just a scratch kid. Take more than a couple of bullets to stop me!

Well, if it ain't the great Enrico Rebitz...Reb...Scarface.

Yeah, you can't take ME alive, Inspector Mac...

Shut up! You can touch Reb...HIM.

- He ain't done nothin'. He's been with me. - Is that so, Miss Samitz...Samos...SSS...

Yeah, we've been in that new Jewish restaurant.

So what did you have to eat?

We had blinis and we had gefilte-filte-filte... We had fish.

Oh, can it, sister! YOU can it, flatfoot! Yeah!

See what I got?! I got a Schmeezer... a Schmaizer...a... I got a machine gun!

Hold it right there, Rebeniz...ziz... Drop the gun! Drop it!

Good work, Officer Willco...Wallaso... It's Lawahezenwo.

Weskie..? It's WW... I know it's got a zee in it.

Shut up! You can't outwit the Nypid. It's the Nypedi

The Nepipy? How do you spell it?

Er...N...Y...P...D.

(ALL) That's it! Yeah!

- It's fascinating, how you do it. - It's very time-consuming.

On a good day, we get about a second of finished film.

- Just a second? - Less if it was a particularly tricky bit.

An action sequence or something.

Um...I mean, let me show you. Say he wanted to do a wave - a dismissive gesture like that.

What you'd do is, first of all, you move his hand just a tiny amount.

- Right. - You'd move one finger. Again, a tiny amount.

The second finger - just a tiny amount.

- The third finger - just a tiny amount. - Uh-hm.

Then we'd have to move the eyes around. Again, just a tiny amount.

And the other one, a tiny amount. Then it's click, click, two frames.

Then I suppose his feet should waggle, his toes.

First toe, we'd move it down... just a tiny amount,

and the second toe...

..a tiny amount.

Third toe down...just a tiny amount.

Then we move up to the hand again.

A tiny amount. And this finger... just a tiny amount.

And the next finger...just a tiny amount.

That finger...a tiny amount.

We'd come up again to the eyes to bring them round some more...a tiny amount.

(WHISPERS) Anyone fancy a pint?

This finger, a tiny amount. Then the eyes would come round...

- Alan Shearer having a wonderful game, Ron. - Doesn't he always!

He's deadly! Deadly in a football sense, not a sort of murdering manner.

He's taken over Gary Lineker's mantle with aplomb.

- Pardon? Mantle with a what? - Aplomb.

Ah, mantle with aplomb, yes, most definitely. Sure as eggs is eggs, mantle with aplomb.

Gary Lineker, of course, remains a legend in the modern game.

Oh, Gary Lineker - marvellous, you know. Paragon of virtue.

Unprecedented in the modern game. Never been booked...wasn't he?

You know, excellent TV pundit, crisp-thief!

Rarely wears a tie, but a marvellous ambassador for the game.

Nice man, nice face, boyish charm with a hint of grey at the temples.

Can you imagine that face contorted in the throes of sexual ecstasy?

- I'm not sure I'd want to, Ron. - That's my point. Mantle with aplomb.

An amusing incident in the first half with that dog running on the pitch.

- Ron. - Sorry.

I put myself in the position of Gary's wife looking up at that face.

Can't get it out of my mind.

Indeed. If Terry Venables is watching, he might think of signing that dog for the England team.

Ron.

I'm stuck with this image of Gary humping. Do you think I should see someone?

You probably should, yes. Tommy, certainly, if not Terry Venables, the Scottish manager

should have a look at that dog to see where he could play.

Sorry, I've got Gary Lineker's cheeky grin and sweaty forehead looming down on me.

Amazing thought, Ron.

Even I have to agree, it is a powerful image.

This week I are been mostly eating Bourbon biscuits.

Do you know what, right? I really love Cliff Richards. Sir Cliff Richards.

I mean...I think he's dead young-looking.

He's about 60 years old, but he looks about oh, I don't know 15.

Apart from his neck, which is all scraggy - like a turkey or a tortoise or something.

But he hides it really well.

Do you know what else I like about him? His love of Jesus. It's done well for him.

He's had loads of hit records and Christmas number ones.

I wouldn't go out with him. I would go out with him, but I wouldn't take him out with my mates.

They'd just take the piss.

Ted, I... It's all right, don't stand up.

Um...there's something I want to talk to you about, Ted.

It's the... It's... It's the greenhouse, Ted.

Now, I remember asking you... yesterday evening

to check on the heating, as we were in for a particularly cold night.

You know how delicate those flowers are and the trouble I have with them.

And I did ask and I went in there this morning and it was as cold as a refrigerator.

There was frost on the windows and you know how much those flowers mean to me.

It's not as if I didn't ask and, quite frankly, I'm very...

..I'm very...

It's not the expense of replacing them or the time and effort that's gone into growing them,

it's the fact that I asked you to do something and it was your responsibility...

Well, obviously, ultimately it's my responsibility.

They are my flowers and... I really should've checked myself.

Um...you have a thousand and one things to be doing about the place

and I cannot expect you to do things which are my responsibility.

Um...as I say, I should've checked... and probably I forgot to ask you...

..and...er...I really am very sorry, Ted... and I promise you it shan't happen again.

I'm sorry.

And our eldest son Alexander won the Nobel Chemistry Prize.

We all went to Stockholm for the presentation and REM did an impromptu concert...

..which was nice.

(CHURCH BELL TOLLS)

(DISTANT RELIGIOUS SINGING)

Right, Day One, the journey begins,

and this stream here marks the boundary between the ordinary world

and the domain of the off-roader.

- Here, the peaceful English countryside. - Chip shops, mortgages, that sort of thing.

That sort of thing. There, all things that every off-roader dreams of.

Crumpet!

Rocks, ravines, tree stumps.

- Trolls. - Trolls?

Shifting sands, sucking bogs.

We're gonna take all that Mother Nature can fling at us and spit it back in her face!

I've never spat in a woman's face before, Simon.

- It was an allegory. - Oh, yeah, I used to drive one of them!

Hah-de-hah-hah-hah (!)

Sorry, bad joke. I know what an allegory is. It's when you can't eat eggs, things like that.

- You bloody moron! - With me, anything with nuts in it. Terrible.

- You're bloody nuts! - Ho-ho! Yeah, I am! Whooo! Look at my hat!

- The green hat! - The hat!

The famous hat. But can we please off-road now?!

- It's gripped! - Uhuh, kamikaze style!

It's GLIPPED! Let's off-LOAD!

- Out the way! - Oof!

Sorry!

(SPLASH!)

The mind is a powerful tool and we've not yet begun to tap into its awesome potential.

By focusing my alpha waves, I've been able to develop my mind to a vastly higher level.

To demonstrate this, I will change the molecular structure in my hand

and attempt to pass it through this regular pane of household glass

without disrupting the surface.

Dave.

Hey, blimey, have I got a bit of gossip for you!

Apparently, Tony split up with Judy. Hey-hey-hey!

I know I shouldn't laugh, but it's not exactly unexpected, is it?

I couldn't have put up with Judy, not for five years!

That Ruth he was seeing on the side, SHE was a much better bet!

Ruth...Judy.

I'll get me coat.

(MUMBLES DRUNKENLY)

But I remember, at the time, there was a firework display in the village.

(RAMBLES ON INCOHERENTLY)

It was quite frightening, you know. Bang, crash, pshww, fizz!

I, you know, wondered how they could do that.

Anyway...seriously, quite seriously... (MUMBLES) ..hah!

(MUMBLES)

One girl was very badly burned.

(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)

And I was called on in my capacity as... (MUMBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

And I cracked my head very sharply off a piece of furniture...

(RAMBLES ON INCOHERENTLY)

I'm afraid...that I was very...very drunk.

(DRAMATIC POLICE SERIES THEME MUSIC)

(THEY PANT HEAVILY)

- It must be your birthday, Charlie. - You brought the cake, 'ave you?

- I brought the icing. - Impress me, Mr McGann.

Watch your step.

Don't miss, on next week's show - they're ready.

- I'm ready! - I'm ready!

I'm ready!

Clowns, clowns, clowns! Clowns are rubbish! They're not funny!

Jumping up an down, juggling balls, throwing buckets of water at each other!

Oh, it's a bucket of water! No, it's a bucket of tinsel! Is that funny?!

No, it's rubbish! Clowns!

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)