Original subtitles

[MUSIC]

[MUSIC]

The more you run, the more I'm gonna kill you when I get you!

And I am gonna get you, you little prick!

I am gonna get you!

[COUGH] Shit!

[MUSIC]

Good evening, Saints Nation,

I'm Gary James, along with my sidekick, Terrible Tom Curtis,

Who you calling terrible?

Anyway, you're my sidekick,

Big game today, it's a full house

here in Vegas at Ace Arena,

With a win, the Saints would have the best record ever for

an expansion team at this point in the season,

Owner Jake Tullus has to be on cloud nine,

Thanks to rookie sensation LaDarius

Pope, who's thankfully taking away

all the headlines from our

controversial owner, Jake Tullus,

He calls himself a minority owner because he's a,

Come on, man,

Oh, he does offend people,

But if the Saints keep winning,

you get the feeling he could get away with murder,

Okay, look, guys, just remember, defensive intensity today,

I wanna see Bosh and Birdman

fighting over the same puke bucket,

And when you set that high pick

and roll for LaDarius- Hey, Doug,

I'm gonna say a few words to the team, Doug,

Yeah, I'm going over some offensive stuff, okay?

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,

Let me simplify it for you guys,

Give me a- Give the ball to that

guy, or I'll trade you to Philly,

[LAUGH] Okay?

[LAUGH],

P,J, R-Tuck, my man,

My man!

Working on the handshake,

We'll get back to it, no big deal,

White Kenny, on fire tonight,

Gary, Derrick B, Barn Door, what a good year so far,

Good year, This guy, right here,

Mm! My man, LaDarius!

Whoo!

Quick question, show of hands, who made the All-Star team?

I think it was, was it, Doug, who was

it, was it, you did, didn't you?

Raise it high, baby,

That's what I'm talking about right there,

Can a man kiss another man on the mouth with tongue,

without it being weird?

Come on,

No, Jake, [LAUGH] Don't even play,

I wanna get serious for a minute here,

People are always asking me, Jake,

why would you buy an expansion team?

You need another toy?

No, I got plenty of toys,

Status symbol?

Come on,

Wanna bed women that are so far out of my league,

it's like I'm a Make-a-Wish kid that's about to go off to war,

I'm not that guy,

Am I that guy Kev?

Not anymore Boss,

Not anymore,

I did it because I missed the anxiety and

the excitement that comes with trying to build something,

Okay, Something that matters, something

great, something of substance,

something that people care about,

And I care about you,

You're that something,

You're my family and I love you,

And, over the weekend, if you happen to impregnate a woman,

which some of you will,

PJ, I'm talking to you,

[LAUGH],

Make sure she's tall cuz in 20 years,

I'm gonna draft her illegitimate children,

[LAUGH], All right, baby?

Yeah, right!

Bring it in,

[APPLAUSE],

Saints on three,

One, two, three,

Saints!

Yeah, here we go, saints!

JP tough!

Bring the pain, White K!

[LAUGH],

AJ!

You got a minute?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to welcome LaDarius Pope and

his world famous Popemobile!

[MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE],

[SOUND],

Oh Jesus, they've run over the Pope!

What the fu-,

[SOUND],

[MUSIC],

Shit, shit, shit,

What the hell's going on?

Something bad's happened, something really bad,

Who knew?

Yes,

You? Yes,

Oh,

He wanted to drive, he insisted,

I'm gonna drive the Popemobile,

No, only I drive the Popemobile,

I own the team,

And he wanted to take the head off and wave!

You never take the head off,

That goes against every rule of mascot artistry,

Shut up! I need to think,

Jake, Jake, listen to me,

Donald Sterling talked shit about black people, but

even he never ran one over,

Yeah I know, I know,

I'm usually calm, Kev and I'm not calm,

You,

Yeah, Put the costume back on,

Put it back on,

Me, why?

Because you ran over LaDarius!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he did,

No, no, you did,

No,

He did!

No,

You did,

You ran over LaDarius,

Uh-huh,

So put the costume back on,

It's tainted with scandal,

You might as well burn it,

Hang on, hang on,

I need to think for a second,

Maybe I should just tell the truth,

The truth is not an option,

We're gonna pin it on the weirdo and move on,

Yeah, maybe LaDarius is okay,

Yeah,

Yeah,

[SOUND],

Okay,

This is why you hired me,

I'll get rid of him,

Okay,

You're gonna kill me?

You can't kill me,

Who's gonna water my plant?

It's one of my steps,

I'm supposed to take care of something,

I'm not going to kill you,

although it's not a terrible idea,

You just need to disappear for a while until things calm down,

I can't be the fall guy!

Can you for $20,000?

It's not about money,

The press will kill me,

I'll be a pariah,

And if my friend and

family think I've done this,

they'll assume I'm on meth again,

Hey, I promise, we will protect your identity, okay?

No one will know,

I don't trust the rich,

Andy, you have my word, you have to trust me,

I know the struggle,

I grew up middle class,

Jake gave you his word,

Yeah,

Your name's gonna remain clean, okay?

And look at it this way, you could go

anywhere you want in the whole world,

Anywhere,

Isn't there a place you've always dreamed of going?

Yeah,

Fiji,

Okay, Yay!

No, the Maldives,

Fine, Oh, yeah, No, Salt Lake City,

All right,

Fiji,

I love those square water bottles,

Okay, okay, good,

We'll fly you down on my private jet,

Think about it as a long, well deserved vacation,

With a lot of square water bottles,

[LAUGH] Tons of them,

Yeah, you can walk around all day with my 20 grand,

Yeah, I'd rather walk around with your hundred grand,

Do not make any comments at this time,

I ask you, please be patient,

Okay, Fine,

Not a word, okay,

Take the jet, fly with him I, I don't want any screw-ups,

No, done,

And the shoes?

He wants the shoes,

Give him the damn shoes,

Okay,

There you go,

I am so sorry that I ran over LeDarius,

Good, Convincing,

I like that, I'm starting to believe I can do this,

I know,

That's because I ran him over,

Yeah?

Yes,

Get out of here, Go,

The secret's safe,

It's about three,

Text me when your wheel's up,

Jeff, Jeff,

Get rid of that, please,

All right,

Ow, [MUSIC]

End of the half, Saints down by 32,

We're getting a taste of this team without LaDarius Pope,

Does the League have a mercy rule?

Hey guys, will you get a call from Jake?

No, thank you,

Is Pope out for the season?

Okay, calm down,

Is it season-ending?

[MUSIC]

Has anybody seen Jake?

No,

Note the building is crawling with press,

This is a PR nightmare,

Okay, we need to control the message,

Oh shit, this kid Big Nick already made a Vine,

Who cares?

He has almost 2 million followers,

Henry, anything to do social media wise?

No,

Nothing,

Really?

Okay,

What's the plan?

Is there a plan?

Why am I not hearing a goddamn plan?

Yes, we are going to go visit LaDarius and show concern,

We need to humanize Jake, and it's not going to be easy,

We can do this, people,

At Matterhorn, we had a crisis point, too,

We had a road coder push code on,

It's very technical,

It was bad,

But we stuck with it, and

we created the location software used to locate Osama bin Laden,

You know what they did when they found him?

They shot him in the face,

You're welcome, America,

Now, let's focus and lead,

I will lead,

You follow,

Jake, I cancelled all my birthday

plans to figure out a solution

player wise,

It's your birthday?

Anybody tries to leave this room, you just keep on walking,

Cuz you're, I don't have the authority

to fire you, but don't leave,

There's not much to say LDP, but I am

sorry from the bottom of my heart,

Man, my biggest fear since I was

little was to get run over by a car,

Mm,

Oh, and white cops,

Nah, yeah, I get that,

I'm warning you, my mom is tripping,

Out for the year, torn ACL, surgery,

possible career-ending injury,

How did that kid come out of that woman?

C-section, I think,

Dad, tell her to- This is my baby,

This is my life,

This is on you,

Bernice, he's my baby too,

He's my little mocha baby boy!

Shut up,

He cannot be your baby,

He is my baby,

Calm down,

He's calm,

Bernice, can I just talk to you over here?

Over here,

You're looking good, big fella,

Bernice, when we drafted Ladarius, I

promised you I would take care of

him like my own son, even though I

don't have a son, that I know of,

But if I did, and the woman kept that son and I knew him,

I would treat him great,

Just like LaDarius, making him like my son,

Are you done babbling like an idiot?

I could go on but I won't,

I knew that stupid Popemobile was

poking a finger at the chest of God,

I would never poke God's chest,

I was baptized,

But Ron is going to be worth 2 billion and,

if my baby can't play, that's on you,

That's right,

You better show up at my house with

one of those giant novelty prize

checks they give away when some

lucky hillbilly wins the Powerball,

[MUSIC]

A few of those checks aren't worth real money you know,

Hey, nurse,

Is there any way that I can get one

of those morphine drippy bags to go?

[MUSIC]

The record for the worst loss in league history was in 1991,

Cleveland beat Miami by 68 points,

Tonight, we only lost by 67, so there's that,

Hell, they're dribbling around out

there like a bunch of fifth graders

without Bo,

I remember the All-Star game when Jordan and I were rookies,

I told Isiah to pass to Jordan,

Froze his ass out,

That was me, What does that have to do with anything?

That's a good story,

Jordan still hates him,

Ladarius averages 24,8 points per game,

No way to replace that,

I should still be retired,

I should be playing golf right now,

but no, rich guy wanted me to be GM,

This, this sucks,

Yeah, anyway, we need a scorer who spaces the floor and

can make the corner three,

We like Mickey Barnes from Memphis,

Barnes? Yes,

The only thing he can shoot is people outside a nightclub,

He only shot at them,

And the motherfucker missed!

From three feet away!

Yeah, the lay-up of homicides,

Hey, that was three years ago,

His plus-minus this year was plus

six points, and he can defend!

Nothing good happens outside a nightclub,

Whoa,

When Ladarius is out, our shooting

percentage goes down 14,2%,

Stay at home, bring the trim to you,

Okay, what about Billy Crane?

Crane?

He scores high with us,

He's retired, He started a restaurant,

Billy's Burgers,

Is that his joint?

I like that place,

Yeah, that's one tasty burger,

In his last year, he led the league in assists per 40,

and he had a true shooting percentage of 60%,

I heard you can get it without the bun,

Healthy and delicious,

Then it's just a flat slab of meat,

I- Guys, guys, would you guys, would you guys please listen?

I'm trying to help!

Sorry, Asian Moneyball,

[MUSIC]

Jay,

Alifi's leg is bad, man,

The doctor said some serious doctor-y shit,

If I get the GM on board, I can make this work,

[MUSIC]

So, should we remove Ladarius from the promo materials?

Todd, he's the freaking A in Sin City Saints,

There's a very bad lady coming this way,

She is not to be trusted,

Say nothing,

Hello, everyone,

I'm Dusty Hawford, special counsel for the league,

And Alan, you know, the big boss, the

commish, asked me to fly in from LA,

my second least favorite city, to my least favorite city to do

damage control for this, how did A-dog put it?

Mismanaged carnival of stupidity,

He also called it a feces-throwing monkey show,

Who is he?

I'm her assistant, Wade Leatherby,

Okay we've got your Grindr screen name down,

What's your real name?

[SOUND], I'm Melissa Stanton, head of PR,

And this is not Jake's fault,

That's sweet,

A little crush there?

[LAUGH] No that's, that's, that's

ridiculous, he's, he's my boss,

That would be inappropriate,

I'm sorry, sweetie, but everything here is Jake's fault,

That's what happens when you own a team,

He might as well have been driving that clown car himself,

You know what's so great about being rich, Dusty?

I don't have to listen to bullshit,

Meeting adjourned,

[MUSIC]

Okay so we're, are we rescheduling the meeting, Jake?

Will there be an email?

How did you get-,

Article 13 What is that?

League bylaws, Oh, please, that's like

privacy policies on the internet,

Nobody reads them,

Owners must avoid unethical conduct,

In violation of Article 13, owners

can be removed by a two-thirds vote,

In short, you can lose the team,

Get it now?

Oh, so I wouldn't get to see you any more,

That's a shame,

Although I do like the hair,

It works,

I'm glad you like it,

I supported the change,

We-, We told you to get rid of the Popemobile,

It's dumb,

And the dumbness is endless,

We let it slide with a fine when you put a bounty out on the ref,

Hit him!

No, please, hey, leave me alone!

[INAUDIBLE],

And the cheerleader situation,

Woo-hoo!

You get a job, you get a job, you're all hired!

And now, for your latest and greatest hit, Ladarius' mom,

Allen's office called us and told us

that Bernice has already lawyered up,

Relax,

I went to the hospital and calmed her down,

And said what?

You didn't admit fault, did you?

Of course not,

And on behalf of the team and the league, let me just say,

it's all our fault,

Get your ass back in there and listen to what I have to say,

I am gonna turn this into a

well-managed carnival of stupidity,

All right, we're gonna fix this so I

can get out of this petri dish of

ass cracks, fanny packs, and heart attacks,

Is that so, hot Ray Donovan, and how are you gonna do that?

We're gonna put the blame on the mascot and move on,

Where is he?

Missing,

How incompetent are you people?

Security didn't grab him?

I sent an associate out to look for him,

He could be anywhere,

Hell, he could be in Fiji by now,

[SOUND],

Can I see the money please?

I really needed this job,

I did a slip and fall at a Whole Foods, and

my settlement money is almost gone,

Show it to me,

[SOUND],

Oh man,

They forgot the little fork for my luxury shellfish,

Can you find me a tiny fork and a bottle of water for my plant?

[SOUND] You know,

lobsters are the only animal to exhibit handedness,

Mm, that's interesting because I shoot people with my left hand,

At the same time, with my right hand,

I bash their heads in with a shovel

and they never see it coming,

Guys, it's gonna be a few,

We have an issue with the landing gear,

F-, [INAUDIBLE],

You see, some lobsters have the crusher claw on the right, and

others on the left,

This fella here was a southpaw,

Or should I say this little lady?

Females are always a little softer on the palate,

just like in life, am I right?

[LAUGH] Hey, buddy,

Why don't you watch some TV, okay?

I wonder how he tastes,

You know what?

It's fine that he's missing,

It makes him look more guilty,

It was an accident,

You know, I'd hate to ruin his life,

He's a grown man who makes a living

doing cartwheels in a lion suit,

It's not a long journey down to the bottom,

Plus he's a total degenerate,

Eight arrests,

DUI, drugs, prostitution,

All pretty standard for Vegas,

He was a prostitute,

Theft, he stole a belt off a guy at a blackjack table,

Did you vet him at all?

Todd is HR,

Benny the Bull emailed me and said nice things,

Benny the Bull,

Yeah,

Okay, here's what we're gonna do,

We're gonna have a press conference,

You're gonna reveal him to be an unstable

addict with a long arrest record,

I'll write the speech, you'll say it,

Got it? Got it,

Good,

The only mistake I've made is being too trusting and

giving this habitual substance abuser a chance?

I, I don't feel comfortable saying this,

What? What is your problem?

This guy singlehandedly ruined your season,

Maybe I'm just a good guy,

There are two types of guys in this

world, douchebags and dickheads,

Douchebags are douchebags cuz they're overcompensating for

massive insecurity,

Dickheads are dickheads cuz they're

actually just bad people who act poorly

with no regard for others,

You're a douchebag, not a dickhead,

[MUSIC]

Thanks,

The real person at fault here is Andy Logan,

an untrustworthy career criminal

with a serious meth addiction whose

own mother frequently disowns him?

You're just brutal,

Keep reading,

I lay it on thick in the last paragraph,

[COUGH] There's a Brian here to see you,

It's Byron, Sapphire,

It's Brian's birthday party, either today or

some other day, I'm not sure which,

[LAUGH] I'm bad with calendars,

but would you like me to respond yes to the paperless post?

Absolutely,

Love that kid,

You've got it,

Seriously?

Yeah, you know, I promised them all

a job when I was really high and

I'm a, I'm a job creator,

Learn the speech,

Be sincere,

Get a coach if you need one,

And, and hey, and I just couldn't

make her a cheerleader because she

has a lower lumbar problem from working the pole,

Man of the year, everybody,

Hey, Jake, Jake, Jake,

Jake,

Yeah, So, so here's what we're thinking,

Oh, hey, I wanna bounce something off you,

Really?

Bounce away,

Yeah, you know the mascot that hit Ladarius?

That was me,

What? Yeah, I made the mascot let me wear the outfit,

I wanted to drive the popemobile, and

it was so fun until I hit Ladarius,

No,

No,

No,

No, I can't, I can't hear this,

Now I'm implicated,

I'm a people pleaser,

Do you know what they do to people pleasers in prison, Jake?

Calm down,

Adversity is a true test of character,

I don't need my character tested,

I know that it's weak,

Relax,

Kevin took care of it,

We paid off the mascot to skip town and keep quiet,

So are we, are we okay?

Dusty wants me to throw this guy under the bus, but I,

I think I'm gonna tell the truth and come clean,

[MUSIC]

Lot of people,

Get nervous speaking in public?

Nervous?

I've given multiple Ted talks,

Ooh, talking about your own accomplishments, little douchy,

Forbes magazine wouldn't vote a

douchebag one of the great thinkers

of 2014,

No, but only a douchebag would use

that line to try to pick up women,

Well, the women I pick up rarely, if ever, read Forbes,

You could have left Forbes off the end of that,

So, Okay, it's big boy time,

Fix your screwup and let's have it be the last one,

That's what I'm gonna do,

Good, Do you think you're above all this?

What do you mean?

I mean, this is Vegas,

Weird shit happens,

You stay here long enough, it's gonna get you too,

Oh, Vegas,

Big, bad, scary Vegas,

Stick to the script, champ,

[MUSIC]

We all know that Ladarius will be back with us,

And, and the real fault here lies with,

the fact is we try to vet all of our employees, and

sometimes a bad one slips through the cracks,

I need to speak from the heart,

I ran my company, Matterhorn, with an emphasis on integrity,

And in the spirit,

In which I have lived my entire life I

just want to say that the person who hit

Ladarius is, is missing, is missing,

The fact is Andy Logan the mascot is on the run, and

he had a long list of arrests and

prior convictions that he hid from

us during the interview process,

I knew it, never trust the rich,

Well, you picked the wrong king of

the jungle to mess with this time,

[MUSIC]

It's ridiculous,

How much longer?

Calm down,

We'll be wheels up in three minutes,

Better be,

Hurry up,

Drugs, gambling, prostitution, certainly not new to Vegas,

But are things that I will not stand for,

Andy?

And you have my word,

The money,

That the man who did this to Ladarius, the team and the city,

Las Vegas, will be sorry, he ever put on that mascot uniform,

[MUSIC]

Thank you,

[SOUND],

[MUSIC]

Can we move on?

Yeah, let's move on,

Get on the table and take your pants off,

[SOUND] [LAUGH],

[MUSIC]

Hey, can we get a [SOUND] woah,

I'm gonna drive the Popemobile,

[LAUGH],

I'm her assistant, [INAUDIBLE],

[LAUGH],

Are you sure?

[LAUGH],

It's the first time I said my name [INAUDIBLE],

[MUSIC]

Forbes magazine wouldn't vote a

douchebag one of the best dudes ever,

[LAUGH]