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1
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:08,688
-Radar!
-Yes, sir.
2
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,648
-Get a hold of Major Burns.
-l guess l better call Major Burns.
3
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,066
-Tell him we have to hold...
-Tell him to put another
4
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:13,734
-day surgeon on night shift.
-...a couple of surgeons
5
00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:14,861
over from the day shift
onto the night shift.
6
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,028
l'll put in a call to
General Hammond in Seoul.
7
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:17,196
Get General Hammond in Seoul,
8
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:18,531
tell him we gotta have
two new surgeons right away.
9
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:19,657
l hope he sends us
those two new surgeons.
10
00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:20,867
We're sure gonna need them.
11
00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:23,536
-What was that, sir?
-l gave everything to Radar.
12
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:24,745
What?
13
00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,620
-What the hell do you think you're doing?
-What? l'm just...
14
00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:50,414
Just because you're captain,
don't think you run the joint.
15
00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,416
-Come on...
-l run it.
16
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:55,169
-Yeah, all right. l'm just supposed to...
-l know what you're supposed to do.
17
00:04:55,253 --> 00:04:59,256
Your driver will be with you shortly.
He's having his coffee now.
18
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,555
Racist.
19
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:11,477
Attention. The following men,
report to the departure area.
20
00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:15,648
Carey, Michael S, Phelps, Robert A,
21
00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:20,528
Colbert T, Cleaver, Herschell B,
22
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,613
Roosevelt, Charles B...
23
00:05:22,698 --> 00:05:24,156
-Goodbye, ladies. Thank you.
-Bye-bye.
24
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,575
-So long.
-Roosevelt B,
25
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:31,539
Govowska, Theodore G, Miller...
26
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:35,084
-4077th MASH?
-This is the jeep, yeah.
27
00:05:36,044 --> 00:05:37,378
All right.
28
00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:41,424
Okay, let's go, boy.
29
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,511
Get my other bag.
30
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,390
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
31
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:16,125
Schermerhorn! Get that son of a bitch!
He just stole my jeep.
32
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,296
Hey! Watch what the hell you're doing,
will you?
33
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:32,141
-What the hell...
-What do you mean, it wasn't...
34
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:15,226
-Where is she?
-l couldn't stand it...
35
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:18,437
-Not another. Another...
-...for my period...
36
00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:21,065
There you are, sir. The officers' mess.
37
00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,651
Perhaps you would like
to take a small repas.
38
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:27,655
l don't think l could eat after that ride
you gave me. You want any of this?
39
00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:30,116
No, thank you, sir,
but l could do with my lunch.
40
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,744
Well, why don't you come on in with me
and get a sandwich?
41
00:07:33,829 --> 00:07:36,038
l'll follow you anywhere, sir.
42
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:47,133
How about that piece of scenery,
Yankee, huh?
43
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,467
Yes, sir.
44
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,679
Really a drag.
45
00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:06,360
-No. No.
-When they cut it out, she looked fabulous.
46
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:09,155
Who are those men?
Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
47
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:13,325
-No, sir. First time l've ever seen them.
-Well, maybe those are the replacements.
48
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:17,204
Don't be silly. We're expecting
some really sharp surgeons.
49
00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:19,707
Well, l guess
they just got separated from their unit
50
00:08:19,791 --> 00:08:22,209
and are looking for something to eat.
51
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:26,088
They've got a hell of a nerve.
Coming in here, eating our food.
52
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:33,804
Pardon me, can l ask you
to move overjust a little bit? Thank you.
53
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:35,347
-Be careful with that.
-Yeah.
54
00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:37,683
-But, you know, she's got to use...
-l think l'm in love.
55
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:41,478
...that Phisohex soap on her face.
She really needs something drying.
56
00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:43,355
-She really has a bad complexion.
-Acne, it really is.
57
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,817
-But she's got a bad complexion...
-She won't use soap.
58
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:50,863
Well, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant,
l don't have anything to do tonight.
59
00:08:50,947 --> 00:08:55,075
l just got into town and, well,
60
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,785
l thought maybe
you could show me around.
61
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,121
Captain, l think if you'll notice
the lieutenant's beautiful hand,
62
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:01,707
she is definitely married.
63
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:05,878
Well, l'm the commanding officer,
and l'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
64
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:09,006
Boy, Bandini, they're eating here
because they wanted to.
65
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,884
Captain Murrhardt,
please report to the commander's...
66
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,427
The office of the commanding officer...
67
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:17,932
-You men just passing through?
-l was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
68
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:22,353
Captain, you are speaking about
a lieutenant in the United States Army.
69
00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:24,563
l'm Colonel Blake.
70
00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:28,859
Colonel, l'm Duke Forrest, your new cutter.
71
00:09:28,944 --> 00:09:32,321
-That's my driver over here.
-Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
72
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,573
-Are you leaving?
-Yes, l am.
73
00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:37,243
-Good afternoon, Lieutenant Dish.
-Good afternoon, Captain Hawkeye.
74
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,912
Captain Hawkeye Pierce,
l had a TWX about you.
75
00:09:39,996 --> 00:09:42,456
lt seems that you stole a jeep
up at headquarters.
76
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:46,377
No, no, no, sir. No, l didn't steal a jeep.
No, it's right outside. Right there.
77
00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:47,711
So it is.
78
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:50,965
Captain Forrest, don't you know that
when you report to your new duty station,
79
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,884
you go to your commanding officer
with a copy of your orders?
80
00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,637
Captain Pierce, is it?
81
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:59,306
Captain Pierce and me
have been boozing all day...
82
00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:02,142
Good. Good.
You've been working close to the front.
83
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,852
Now we have our slack periods here,
84
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,814
but when the action starts,
you'll get more work in 1 2 hours...
85
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,691
How many nurses
do we have on the base, sir?
86
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,776
-1 7.
-How many nurses will there be on my...
87
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,778
-Four, then a civilian surgeon.
-...young girl here...
88
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:13,904
-A dozen a month.
-l'd like her as my nurse.
89
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:15,698
-Yes, l think that could be arranged.
-l could use her.
90
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,449
And the young girl, over here, the blonde.
91
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:21,829
Father Mulcahy, l'd like you to meet
Captain Pierce, our new surgeon.
92
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:24,790
This is the Catholic chaplain.
And here's Captain Forrest.
93
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:26,375
-Dago Red.
-Dago Red!
94
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,545
-Captain Waldowski, our dental officer.
-l'm better known as Painless Pole.
95
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,213
This is Captain Black,
our anesthesiologist.
96
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,132
l'm Painless Pole. l'm the dentist here.
97
00:10:33,216 --> 00:10:36,302
-John Black. l'll be passing gas for you.
-Duke? Welcome.
98
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,470
-Captain Bandini, here.
-Thank you.
99
00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,973
-John Black. How are you?
-l'm proud of that man.
100
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:45,311
-lf you boys have any problems, my tent...
-Bandini, here. Duke, glad to meet you.
101
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,397
l was saying if you boys
have any problems, my tent is right...
102
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,232
Radar! O'Reilly.
103
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,401
Gentlemen, l'm Corporal O'Reilly.
They call me Radar.
104
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,320
-You'll be staying in Major Burns' tent.
-Major Burns' tent.
105
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,530
-l'll take your things over there now.
-Everything out of the jeep.
106
00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:58,324
Don't worry about the jeep,
l'll change the numbers.
107
00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:00,117
And change the numbers on that jeep.
108
00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:12,838
Corporal O'Reilly,
you're not billeting these enlisted men
109
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:14,548
in the officers' area, now, are you?
110
00:11:19,429 --> 00:11:20,846
Excuse me.
111
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:22,890
l'm collecting for my blind brother
112
00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:25,726
-who can't afford the trip to Korea.
-Don't you trust that man. He's a mad dog.
113
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:27,728
-He'll do anything.
-Unhand me, sir.
114
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:30,439
Hey, Duke Forrest.
115
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,201
Now, that one's mine.
116
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,751
-Hi, fellas.
-Who? That one?
117
00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:52,503
-Yeah.
-Who told you that?
118
00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:57,216
-How do you know that?
-"Yea, though l walk through the valley
119
00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:00,427
"of the shadow of death,
120
00:12:00,512 --> 00:12:04,681
"l will fear no evil, for thoo art with me."
121
00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:06,809
Thou. "Thou art with me."
122
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:08,936
-Jesus Christ.
-What's all that about?
123
00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:12,189
That's Major Burns, sir. Excuse me.
124
00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:17,194
-New personnel, Major.
-Good.
125
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:20,823
-Hiya. Hawkeye Pierce.
-How do you do?
126
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,908
-Duke Forrest.
-Frank Burns.
127
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,619
-How are you?
-Go ahead, Ho-Jon.
128
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:30,374
"My cup runneth over.
129
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:35,754
"Surely goodness and mercy
130
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:39,216
-"shall follow..."
-What's this here?
131
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,260
This is Ho-Jon.
He's one of our mess-hall boys.
132
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:42,761
l'm teaching him how to read.
133
00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:47,474
ls that right?
Reading the Bible, huh? That's nice.
134
00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:51,478
Listen, l'll tell you what. l got a book here.
lt's got a lot of pictures in it,
135
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:54,523
and l think it's easier to learn how to read
when you look at pictures.
136
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,859
A little adventure in pictures.
137
00:12:56,943 --> 00:12:59,570
-May l leave now, Major?
-Sure, Ho-Jon.
138
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:01,655
You have fun, you hear?
139
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,704
There it is. Suture, Mary.
140
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,833
What kind of sutures are these?
141
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:16,003
-l can't see what the hell l'm doing.
-Storch, l need some more sponge clamps.
142
00:13:16,087 --> 00:13:17,546
-Give me...
-Okay. Just a minute, Les.
143
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,215
-Okay.
-Give me some big hunks of sponge
144
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,509
or something, for crying out loud,
and get that thing right in there.
145
00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:23,677
Also some big sponges.
You'll have to use these.
146
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,971
That's bleeding. That's gotta come out.
147
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:28,056
l can't stop that bleeding down there.
148
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,854
-What's so funny?
-Nothing, sir. Not a thing.
149
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:37,691
-ls that true what l hear about you?
-Duke, back to the kidney. Come on.
150
00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:39,485
-Yeah.
-He's cute.
151
00:13:39,569 --> 00:13:42,112
Give me a clamp. Give me a clamp.
152
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,658
-Here we go.
-Captain Pierce, did you call me?
153
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:49,328
No, l didn't, and my name's Hawkeye.
Give me the saw.
154
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:52,664
l can't really see.
lt's like the Mississippi River down there.
155
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,791
-Give me another one.
-Doesn't feel like it's in one piece,
156
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:57,169
l'll tell you that.
l think it's gotta come out of there.
157
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,087
Get in. Get in there.
158
00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:02,925
And give me some more
of that gauze wrapped up there.
159
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,220
Here. lt won't stick otherwise.
160
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:10,766
Big, honey. lt's... You know, this thing...
161
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,185
-You ready?
-l'm ready.
162
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:16,980
-Nurse, you got a clamp, please?
-Yes, sir.
163
00:14:19,984 --> 00:14:22,819
Scratch my nose. Just there.
164
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:25,614
There. A little harder, please.
165
00:14:26,282 --> 00:14:28,116
Attention. Attention.
166
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:32,412
All non-commissioned...
Attention. Attention.
167
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:37,209
All non-commissioned officers will report
for short-arm inspection at 0400.
168
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:38,919
That is all.
169
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,925
-What's that?
-That's a martini, Frank.
170
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:47,719
Finest kind.
We're training Ho-Jon to be a bartender.
171
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:51,223
-Would you care to imbibe, sir?
-l don't drink.
172
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,850
Jesus Christ, l think he means it.
173
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:56,895
-l think we've been had, Hawkeye.
-l think you're right, babe.
174
00:14:56,980 --> 00:15:00,732
l don't think it's right to involve a boy
who's not 1 7 years old yet.
175
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,901
-You go to sleep now?
-Yeah.
176
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,903
-l go wash clothes.
-Okay.
177
00:15:05,154 --> 00:15:09,408
Hey, you make a mean martini there,
Ho-Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
178
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,253
"Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
179
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:24,756
"Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven..."
180
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:27,593
You ever catch this syndrome before,
babe?
181
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:31,388
No, not with anyone beyond the age
of eight years old, l haven't.
182
00:15:31,472 --> 00:15:34,933
"And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
183
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:39,771
"For thine is the kingdom, the power
and the glory, for ever and ever. Amen."
184
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,482
-Amen.
-Amen.
185
00:15:43,359 --> 00:15:46,612
And dear God, protect
our young men on the field of battle,
186
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:49,323
that they may return home
to their dear ones.
187
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,993
And dear God, protect
our supreme commander on the field
188
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,954
and our commander-in-chief
in Washington DC.
189
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:59,541
Frank, were you on this religious kick
at home or did you crack up over here?
190
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:02,461
Frank, how long does this show go on?
191
00:16:03,546 --> 00:16:05,130
lt gets longer all the time.
192
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:08,634
Now l have your soul to pray for
and Captain Pierce's.
193
00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:12,763
Onward, Christian soldiers
194
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:16,350
-Marching as to war
-Marching as to war
195
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:20,354
-With the cross of Jesus
-With the cross of Jesus
196
00:16:20,438 --> 00:16:24,399
-Going on before
-Going on before
197
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:28,487
-Christ, our royal master
-Christ, our royal master
198
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:32,574
-Leads against the foe
-Leads against the foe
199
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:36,828
-Forward into battle
-Forward into battle
200
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:40,832
-See his banners go
-See his banners go
201
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:45,003
-Onward, Christian soldiers
-Onward, Christian soldiers
202
00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:49,132
-Marching as to war
-Marching as to war
203
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:53,261
-With the cross of Jesus
-With the cross of Jesus
204
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:58,308
-Going on before
-Going on before
205
00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,186
-Yeah?
-What's the line-up?
206
00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,980
Four waiting for surgery,
two waiting for the lV,
207
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:06,525
and two waiting for the antibiotics
to take over.
208
00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:10,654
We can probably handle that
if there's no more choppers. Pickup.
209
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,199
Scissors.
210
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:17,869
-Hi, ladies.
-Now, wait a second.
211
00:17:17,954 --> 00:17:20,622
-You can't go in the colonel's office.
-That's who we're looking for, Dave.
212
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,207
Henry, you gotta do something.
213
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:24,751
We have stuck it out
for a whole week now. Pretty girl.
214
00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:27,087
Yeah, she kind of grows on you.
215
00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,548
-What is it, men?
-That sky pilot.
216
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:32,217
You have got to get him out of our tent.
217
00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:34,344
-Your tent?
-Yeah. Get that nurse in there.
218
00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,264
She doesn't look like the kind who'd
keep you awake all night praying.
219
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,765
l've been in the army a long time.
220
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:42,728
l know what you guys are trying to pull,
but you're not gonna push me around.
221
00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,938
Henry, not for the world
would l push you around,
222
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,315
but, look, there is one more thing,
now that you're talking about it.
223
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,400
We need a chest cutter.
224
00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:50,652
Yeah. We gotta get an A-one chest cutter
in here quick, Henry,
225
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:52,112
or we're gonna be in
a hell of a lot of trouble.
226
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,322
Forget it.
No MASH unit has a chest surgeon.
227
00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:55,699
We're not about to get one.
228
00:17:55,783 --> 00:17:56,825
-Excuse me, sir.
-Yeah?
229
00:17:56,909 --> 00:17:59,202
They're behind in the OR,
and the pre-op ward is all jammed up.
230
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:02,289
The helicopters and the ambulances
are coming in full.
231
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:04,666
You guys are gonna have to go to work
early today.
232
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,127
And add overtime to a 12-hour day?
What the hell is that?
233
00:18:07,211 --> 00:18:09,212
The union'll raise all kinds of Cain
with you, Henry.
234
00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:11,965
Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours,
you sure need your rest.
235
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:14,384
And you can't get them with
a sky pilot jabbering to heaven all day.
236
00:18:14,469 --> 00:18:16,595
Major Burns will be out of your tent
in 24 hours.
237
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:19,347
Tell him Captain Pierce
and Captain Forrest are on the way.
238
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:21,433
Henry, there's just one more thing.
239
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,436
I told you Major Burns will be out
of your tent in 24 hours.
240
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,104
-The chest cutter.
-No.
241
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:30,150
I'll try, damn it.
You can't ask any more than that.
242
00:18:39,494 --> 00:18:41,745
Pull that back. Put your little finger in.
243
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:48,335
My abdominal operation was doing fine.
lt's the head wound that did him in.
244
00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:50,295
Dish, get over here and hold this retractor.
245
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:51,880
-Okay.
-No. No, no...
246
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:53,715
Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
247
00:18:55,593 --> 00:18:56,885
Go ahead.
248
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:04,226
-Dago!
-Amen.
249
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:06,603
-Pull it back, Duke.
-Hell, l can't...
250
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:08,980
-Get hold of the other one.
-Dago.
251
00:19:09,065 --> 00:19:12,400
Dago, l want you over here
to hold this retractor. Now.
252
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:15,028
-Please, come on. Now.
-Yes, l'm sorry.
253
00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,488
-Hi, Dago.
-Hey, hold on.
254
00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,031
-My hand...
-Don't wiggle it. Just hold on.
255
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:19,282
Clamp.
256
00:19:21,369 --> 00:19:23,328
l'm sorry, Dago, but this man's still alive,
257
00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,705
and that other man is dead,
and that's a fact.
258
00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:29,417
Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago?
Hell. Where the hell... Did you see it?
259
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:38,218
-Sergeant, you know where Hawkeye is?
-You mean Captain Pierce?
260
00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:42,097
-No, l'd have to look at the duty roster.
-They're in there.
261
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,808
Oh, baby.
262
00:19:44,934 --> 00:19:47,686
Hawkeye, you gotta remember
l'm married.
263
00:19:47,770 --> 00:19:50,188
l'm married. l'm happy. l love my wife.
lf she was here,
264
00:19:50,273 --> 00:19:52,190
-l would be with her.
-l am, too. l'm very happily married.
265
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:55,777
There is no question of loving anybody.
lt is a question only of helping...
266
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,155
You see, l made a vow to myself
that while l was gone,
267
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:03,118
l was gonna be faithful to my husband.
268
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,998
Those are the vows you make
when you're with somebody.
269
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,625
Hawkeye?
270
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:15,964
-Ho-Jon?
-Duke say you better haul ass home quick.
271
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,800
-We got a new chest cutter in our tent.
-Okay.
272
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:27,058
This is Radio Tokyo bringing you
musical interlude for your enjoyment.
273
00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:09,809
-That's him.
-Hiya. l'm Hawkeye Pierce.
274
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:15,106
Yeah. See? So all l can get out of him
is he's from Boston,
275
00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:17,400
and he's been in the army two months.
276
00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:19,861
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah. And that's all.
277
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:39,547
Well, listen, where were you
when you were drafted?
278
00:21:40,716 --> 00:21:42,926
l was just curious.
279
00:21:46,097 --> 00:21:48,264
Back home. l told you before.
280
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:49,641
No, l mean, what were you doing?
281
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:53,395
Were you like a resident
or on staff some place?
282
00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:57,190
Where?
283
00:21:58,317 --> 00:21:59,567
Hospital.
284
00:22:00,403 --> 00:22:01,945
Which hospital?
285
00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:03,989
Back home.
286
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:06,908
ls there some reason
l shouldn't know which hospital?
287
00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:09,160
l don't know. l will ask.
288
00:22:09,245 --> 00:22:13,623
ls there some reason my friend
should not know the name of the hospital?
289
00:22:15,918 --> 00:22:19,546
There doesn't appear to be any reason.
l've seen you somewhere before.
290
00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:23,466
l don't know your name, stranger,
but your face is familiar.
291
00:22:23,551 --> 00:22:26,052
Have you always had that moustache?
292
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:32,225
Are you a beer drinker, sir, or would
you like to share a martini with me?
293
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,894
Martini, that would be... l'd love a martini.
294
00:22:35,771 --> 00:22:37,814
Ho-Jon, give the gentleman a martini.
295
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:41,693
l think you will find these accommodating.
They're quite dry.
296
00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:46,156
Don't you use olives?
297
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:48,366
Olives? Where the hell
do you think you are, man?
298
00:22:48,451 --> 00:22:50,744
We do have to make
certain concessions to the war.
299
00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:52,412
We're three miles from the frontline and...
300
00:22:52,496 --> 00:22:55,707
Yes, but a man can't really
savor his martini
301
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:57,834
without an olive, you know.
302
00:22:57,918 --> 00:23:00,503
Otherwise, you see, it just
303
00:23:02,673 --> 00:23:05,341
doesn't quite make it.
304
00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:11,765
Attention. The Evangelical United
Brethren Church has donated 34 hymnals
305
00:23:11,849 --> 00:23:14,309
to the 4077th MASH unit.
306
00:23:14,685 --> 00:23:18,229
These hymnals are located
in the camp library
307
00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:20,732
and may be checked out
by those with cards.
308
00:23:20,816 --> 00:23:22,192
That is all.
309
00:23:22,443 --> 00:23:26,613
Listen, am l going to get paid
for giving you guys lessons? Rib cutter.
310
00:23:30,159 --> 00:23:31,951
Small bones, huh?
311
00:23:33,913 --> 00:23:37,165
-l need a retractor also, nurse.
-Let's get her, baby.
312
00:23:37,249 --> 00:23:39,709
What do you think? Can l tie this for you?
313
00:23:42,088 --> 00:23:44,923
-You need some suction?
-Yeah, that's fine.
314
00:23:45,633 --> 00:23:47,509
Here, pickups for me, please.
315
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:52,055
-How's he doing, John?
-He's doing well.
316
00:23:52,223 --> 00:23:54,933
-You're doing a live suture.
-Yeah, looks like that's it.
317
00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:56,810
Looks like that's it.
318
00:23:58,104 --> 00:24:00,772
What the hell did you do with our thread?
lt ran out.
319
00:24:00,856 --> 00:24:03,608
-More thread, please, and larger needles.
-Will you let me?
320
00:24:03,984 --> 00:24:07,529
-Let me have another suture.
-You surgeons are all alike, l tell you that.
321
00:24:09,198 --> 00:24:12,534
lf this guy knew the clowns who are
operating on him, l think he'd faint.
322
00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:14,786
-l think he has!
-Come on, nurse. l need a suture, please.
323
00:24:14,870 --> 00:24:17,038
-Coming.
-Keep ahead of him, babe, will you?
324
00:24:17,123 --> 00:24:19,290
And we need a couple
more stitches in there.
325
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:21,543
That's fine, yeah. Thank you.
326
00:24:21,836 --> 00:24:22,794
Just turn it around.
327
00:24:22,878 --> 00:24:26,047
lt's a good thing you have a nice body,
nurse, otherwise we'd get rid of you quick.
328
00:24:26,132 --> 00:24:28,383
-Don't stick me.
-Keep it clean.
329
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:29,467
Come...
330
00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:32,428
-You know, l can tie that for you.
-Yeah.
331
00:24:32,513 --> 00:24:35,098
Okay, let's have the big stitches
for holding up the chest.
332
00:24:35,182 --> 00:24:36,432
Fine.
333
00:24:36,517 --> 00:24:39,102
-Larger needles, Knocko.
-Now sutures.
334
00:24:40,604 --> 00:24:43,731
Start wrapping up.
l could use another one.
335
00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:47,068
Does anybody know if this is
an officer or an enlisted man?
336
00:24:47,153 --> 00:24:49,571
-He's an enlisted man.
-Make the stitches big.
337
00:24:50,406 --> 00:24:53,616
Attention.
Captain Bani... Captain Bandini.
338
00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:57,620
Attention. Attention.
Captain Bandini is now performing
339
00:24:57,705 --> 00:25:01,332
a palmaral pop, poplit, a pop...
340
00:25:01,417 --> 00:25:05,128
A palmaral p-o-p-l-i-t-e-r-a-l
341
00:25:05,212 --> 00:25:08,548
artery exploration
342
00:25:08,632 --> 00:25:10,383
and possible graft.
343
00:25:13,304 --> 00:25:15,889
The following memo
has just come through.
344
00:25:15,973 --> 00:25:20,852
Please remove all pictures, postcards,
nude calendars, et cetera, from the walls
345
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:24,189
so that our rooms may look
clean and orderly. That is all.
346
00:25:24,273 --> 00:25:26,191
-lt is you. lt's you!
-What?
347
00:25:26,275 --> 00:25:28,526
Duke, l ever tell you
how Androscoggin College
348
00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:30,737
beat Dartmouth in a raging blizzard 6-0
349
00:25:30,821 --> 00:25:32,697
-'cause l intercepted a pass?
-Yeah. You told me.
350
00:25:32,781 --> 00:25:34,699
They had this great passer, see,
351
00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:36,868
and we held them 0-0
till the last 20 seconds,
352
00:25:36,952 --> 00:25:40,705
and then, snow and all, he let one go,
and it went sailing, boom!
353
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:43,208
Lucky your mouth wasn't open
or it would've gotten stuck in your throat.
354
00:25:43,292 --> 00:25:45,710
Oh, baby! How is Trapper John?
355
00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:48,296
-l thought you'd never remember!
-John Mclntyre!
356
00:25:49,465 --> 00:25:51,674
John Mclntyre! Trapper John.
357
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:55,553
Only man ever found fulfillment in
a Boston Maine Railway, in the ladies' can.
358
00:25:55,638 --> 00:25:58,514
Conductor opened the door, the girl
looked out and yelled, "He trapped me!
359
00:25:58,599 --> 00:26:00,767
"Oh, my God, he trapped me!"
Honest to God. How are you?
360
00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:03,561
l'm great. What's going on over there?
361
00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:07,732
Well, well, well, must be
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent.
362
00:26:07,816 --> 00:26:09,567
Painless Polish Day in the shower tent?
363
00:26:09,652 --> 00:26:11,653
Walt Waldowski, the dentist. You met him.
364
00:26:11,737 --> 00:26:13,404
Well, what, are those guys waiting
to scrub his back?
365
00:26:13,489 --> 00:26:17,659
No. He's what you might call
the best-equipped dentist in the army.
366
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:19,577
-You may call it that.
-Yeah.
367
00:26:22,039 --> 00:26:24,457
l saw once in med school, in pre-med.
368
00:26:24,541 --> 00:26:27,752
l did an autopsy on a guy. He would have
been drowned and all swollen up...
369
00:26:27,836 --> 00:26:29,587
-You an authority on that?
-l heard that one, too.
370
00:26:29,672 --> 00:26:31,464
-The most extraordinary thing.
-You told that one...
371
00:26:31,548 --> 00:26:33,549
And a friend of mine had a...
372
00:26:33,634 --> 00:26:36,552
Boy, l'd surely love to see that angry!
373
00:27:49,084 --> 00:27:50,251
Nurse!
374
00:27:52,963 --> 00:27:56,424
Boone, get me a cc of adrenaline
and a cardiac needle.
375
00:27:57,051 --> 00:27:59,761
-l'm sorry...
-Just get it!
376
00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:11,147
And you can cut me about
a four-inch piece of wire
377
00:28:11,273 --> 00:28:13,149
and about an inch and a half of tape.
378
00:28:18,614 --> 00:28:19,947
-Hi, soldier.
-Who is it?
379
00:28:20,032 --> 00:28:23,534
lt's Trapper, Trapper. Don't worry.
Let's get some of this stuff off.
380
00:28:23,619 --> 00:28:26,621
You idiot! l said a cardiac needle.
381
00:28:27,998 --> 00:28:31,250
-You want me to get a nurse?
-lt's too late, Boone. You killed him.
382
00:29:03,283 --> 00:29:06,744
At ease. This is Major O'Houlihan,
our new chief nurse.
383
00:29:06,829 --> 00:29:08,746
This is where we do the dirty work.
384
00:29:08,831 --> 00:29:10,957
-Captain Murrhardt.
-Sponge.
385
00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:12,625
-Hi.
-Hi, Captain.
386
00:29:12,709 --> 00:29:17,338
Dennis, don't you remember? l helped
carry your luggage from the airfield.
387
00:29:17,423 --> 00:29:20,258
-Oh, yes. Hello, Dennis.
-Hi.
388
00:29:20,342 --> 00:29:23,302
-This is Captain Black.
-Hello, Captain Black.
389
00:29:23,387 --> 00:29:27,432
-Hi, l'm Ugly John, your gas passer.
-Ugly John.
390
00:29:27,516 --> 00:29:30,309
lt's only you, Judson. Captain Sacks.
391
00:29:30,727 --> 00:29:32,520
Hello, Captain Sacks.
How's the operation going?
392
00:29:32,604 --> 00:29:34,480
Are you kidding?
393
00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:36,399
Scissors.
394
00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:43,030
-And this is Captain Knocko McCarthy.
-Hello, Major. Right.
395
00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:47,493
Now l'll show you the rest of the
operation, if you'll excuse the pun.
396
00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:54,542
This is the pre-op ward.
l'll take these things.
397
00:29:54,626 --> 00:29:58,337
This is the post-op ward.
lf you don't mind...
398
00:29:59,840 --> 00:30:01,549
Vollmer, take care of these, will you?
399
00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:04,343
-Finished work for the day?
-Yes. Why?
400
00:30:04,428 --> 00:30:09,140
Good, good. l just wanted to make sure
you had time to sleep this off.
401
00:30:11,894 --> 00:30:13,603
Son of a bitch!
402
00:30:13,687 --> 00:30:16,481
Trapper! Captain Mclntyre!
What the hell...
403
00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:19,317
-That's a captain?
-What's going on? Who started this?
404
00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:22,236
l hit him! l hit him!
He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
405
00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:25,781
He wouldn't have touched me
if l'd had my guard up.
406
00:30:25,908 --> 00:30:28,993
Let us settle this, Colonel,
between ourselves. Alone!
407
00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:31,370
What do you think l'm running,
an English boarding school?
408
00:30:31,455 --> 00:30:32,747
Mclntyre, you're under arrest.
409
00:30:32,831 --> 00:30:34,790
Confine yourself to quarters
pending an investigation.
410
00:30:34,875 --> 00:30:38,753
-Henry, are you kidding?
-l deeply regret this unfortunate incident.
411
00:30:38,837 --> 00:30:41,464
We try to remember
we're a military organization.
412
00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:43,841
l should certainly hope so.
413
00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:47,803
Vollmer, that man is under arrest.
Confine him to his quarters.
414
00:30:49,515 --> 00:30:53,935
-Captain Mclntyre, you are officially...
-Come on. Cut it out, Vollmer.
415
00:30:57,940 --> 00:31:02,527
Attention, camp compound.
Urine specimens will be required from all...
416
00:31:04,488 --> 00:31:06,197
Disregard last transmission.
417
00:31:06,281 --> 00:31:09,200
-l'm sorry, Colonel.
-What the hell's the matter with you?
418
00:31:09,284 --> 00:31:10,785
-Henry, you want some coffee?
-Yes, please.
419
00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:13,371
-Ho-Jon, get him some coffee.
-Well, what's wrong with you?
420
00:31:13,455 --> 00:31:15,331
l don't know. l must have lost my punch.
421
00:31:15,415 --> 00:31:17,833
l never expected
the son of a bitch to get up!
422
00:31:17,918 --> 00:31:19,210
That's no kind of an answer.
423
00:31:19,294 --> 00:31:20,545
Come on, Henry. You know why he did it.
424
00:31:20,629 --> 00:31:23,339
l can't have my junior officers
striking each other.
425
00:31:23,423 --> 00:31:27,301
Now, damn it, Henry.
Frank Burns is a menace!
426
00:31:27,636 --> 00:31:29,387
Every time a patient croaks on him,
427
00:31:29,471 --> 00:31:32,431
he says it's God's will
or somebody else's fault.
428
00:31:32,516 --> 00:31:35,226
Yeah, this time he blamed it on some kid
who was stupid enough to believe him.
429
00:31:35,310 --> 00:31:36,310
The hell with that.
430
00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:38,062
l'm tired of you guys
trying to run this outfit.
431
00:31:38,146 --> 00:31:40,565
This time, there's going to be
disciplinary action.
432
00:31:40,691 --> 00:31:42,567
What are you going to do, Henry?
433
00:31:42,651 --> 00:31:45,820
Well, l'd planned to name Trapper
chief surgeon
434
00:31:45,904 --> 00:31:50,032
-to consult on your shift and Frank's.
-That's damn good thinking.
435
00:31:50,117 --> 00:31:52,285
Yeah, but now l can't do it
for at least a week.
436
00:31:52,369 --> 00:31:55,454
lf l announced it now after what
our new chief nurse saw this afternoon,
437
00:31:55,539 --> 00:31:57,957
you'd hear her yelling
from Washington to Seoul.
438
00:31:58,041 --> 00:31:59,667
Don't you have any sugar in this place?
439
00:32:00,419 --> 00:32:05,047
Good morning. Today's musical
selections will be rendered by
440
00:32:05,132 --> 00:32:08,342
Achi Takamura Seamuchiwa Bobcats.
441
00:32:08,844 --> 00:32:12,138
Colonel Blake, General Hammond
did not answer the phone, sir!
442
00:32:12,222 --> 00:32:14,307
They said he was at a football game.
443
00:32:14,391 --> 00:32:17,935
-Those generals have all the fun!
-Yes, sir.
444
00:32:49,718 --> 00:32:53,137
Attention. Attention.
May l have the camp's attention?
445
00:32:53,221 --> 00:32:57,391
This week's movie will be
When Willie Comes Marching Home.
446
00:32:58,435 --> 00:33:02,480
The biggest parade of laughs
of World War II.
447
00:33:03,023 --> 00:33:07,652
All the loves, laughs and escapades
of the Willies who came marching home.
448
00:33:08,362 --> 00:33:13,199
This film stars Dan Dailey,
Corinne Calvet and Colleen Townsend.
449
00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:16,243
Captain Pierce, may l join you?
450
00:33:17,287 --> 00:33:21,457
You've already joined me, gorgeous.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
451
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,918
Where do you come from?
452
00:33:24,419 --> 00:33:27,213
Well, l like to think of the army
as my home.
453
00:33:27,297 --> 00:33:29,048
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
454
00:33:30,759 --> 00:33:32,885
Ho-Jon, you bring me some ketchup,
will you?
455
00:33:32,969 --> 00:33:35,012
Captain, l've been observing
the nurses on your shift.
456
00:33:35,097 --> 00:33:36,347
Yeah, l know. l saw you.
457
00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:39,642
Naturally, your own opinion
is more informed than mine.
458
00:33:39,726 --> 00:33:43,479
I think you would like to know what I think
of the nurses on my team. I'll tell you.
459
00:33:43,563 --> 00:33:45,189
I think they're fine.
I think they're just great,
460
00:33:45,273 --> 00:33:46,982
and I'm totally satisfied with them.
461
00:33:48,485 --> 00:33:53,489
-Oh, no, that's the second time this week.
-Of course, what do you expect?
462
00:34:01,540 --> 00:34:03,499
Welcome, gentlemen.
463
00:34:04,710 --> 00:34:08,713
-When the lights go on again
-When the lights go on again
464
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:11,716
-All over the world
-All over the world
465
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,592
You got enough room?
466
00:34:17,139 --> 00:34:19,223
Get rid of the line for me.
467
00:34:19,307 --> 00:34:22,059
All over the world
All over the world
468
00:34:22,144 --> 00:34:26,480
-ls he all right, Hawkeye?
-ls he all right, Dago?
469
00:34:26,565 --> 00:34:29,692
Yes, you mean he's going to live?
He'll live.
470
00:34:31,361 --> 00:34:35,614
l hope somebody's going to be around
tomorrow morning when he wakes up
471
00:34:35,699 --> 00:34:39,994
to tell him that he hasn't got
anything between his legs anymore.
472
00:34:40,620 --> 00:34:42,163
Syngman Rhee's paying the light bill.
473
00:34:42,247 --> 00:34:46,041
-But Major Burns is far from satisfied.
-That doesn't surprise me.
474
00:34:46,126 --> 00:34:49,754
Frank Burns does not know his way around
an operating theater.
475
00:34:49,838 --> 00:34:51,922
He does not know his way around a body.
476
00:34:52,007 --> 00:34:53,507
And if you'll have observed anything,
477
00:34:53,592 --> 00:34:56,552
you'll have observed that
Major Frank Burns is an idiot.
478
00:34:56,636 --> 00:35:00,181
He has flipped his wig, that he is out
of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.
479
00:35:00,265 --> 00:35:03,350
On the contrary, l have observed
480
00:35:03,435 --> 00:35:07,146
that Major Burns is not only
a good technical surgeon,
481
00:35:07,230 --> 00:35:10,775
-he is a good military surgeon.
-You finished?
482
00:35:10,859 --> 00:35:15,654
l have also noticed that nurses, as well as
enlisted men, address you as Hawkeye.
483
00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:17,615
Yeah, because that's my name.
Hawkeye Pierce.
484
00:35:17,699 --> 00:35:19,867
Well, that kind of informality
is inconsistent
485
00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:22,077
with maximum efficiency
in a military organization.
486
00:35:22,162 --> 00:35:24,038
Come off it, Major!
487
00:35:25,874 --> 00:35:29,043
You've put me right off my fresh fried
lobster. Do you realize that?
488
00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:30,628
l'm going to go back to my bed,
489
00:35:30,712 --> 00:35:33,506
l'm going to put away
the best part of a bottle of Scotch
490
00:35:33,590 --> 00:35:36,884
and under normal circumstances,
you being normally what l'd call
491
00:35:36,968 --> 00:35:39,136
a very attractive woman,
l would have invited you back
492
00:35:39,221 --> 00:35:43,307
to share my little bed with me
and you might possibly have come.
493
00:35:43,391 --> 00:35:45,309
But you really put me off.
494
00:35:45,393 --> 00:35:49,063
l mean, you're what we call
a regular army clown.
495
00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:56,195
l wonder how a degenerated person
like that could have reached
496
00:35:56,279 --> 00:35:59,365
a position of responsibility
in the army medical corps.
497
00:35:59,908 --> 00:36:01,075
He was drafted.
498
00:36:17,509 --> 00:36:18,926
-Radar!
-Your briefcase, sir.
499
00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:22,763
-You're going to see Hammond...
-l'm spending the day with Hammond.
500
00:36:22,848 --> 00:36:24,181
l'm gonna stay overnight.
501
00:36:24,266 --> 00:36:25,683
Major Burns'll be in charge.
502
00:36:25,767 --> 00:36:28,310
-Good luck.
-See you in the morning.
503
00:36:29,271 --> 00:36:31,689
Sir, are there any last-minute instructions
you want to give to the men?
504
00:36:31,773 --> 00:36:33,482
No, Radar has all
the necessary information.
505
00:36:33,567 --> 00:36:35,860
Yeah, but who's going to be
on CQ tonight?
506
00:36:35,944 --> 00:36:38,404
Wait a minute. What about the...
507
00:36:39,155 --> 00:36:41,073
-Captain.
-Yes, sir.
508
00:36:41,408 --> 00:36:44,118
l left some shirts on my bunk.
The buttons are missing.
509
00:36:44,202 --> 00:36:46,203
Just ask somebody
to sew them up, please.
510
00:36:46,288 --> 00:36:48,455
-l'd be glad to do them for you.
-You don't have to.
511
00:36:48,540 --> 00:36:53,419
-lt's nothing, really. Great jacket. ls it new?
-Oh, yeah, my... lt was sent to me.
512
00:36:53,503 --> 00:36:55,546
-You don't have to do that.
-Take care.
513
00:36:57,132 --> 00:37:01,218
Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the surgeons
514
00:37:01,303 --> 00:37:05,306
-He needs a queen to satisfy his urgings
-He needs a queen to satisfy his urgings
515
00:37:05,390 --> 00:37:09,476
Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the trappers
516
00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:14,315
-He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers
-He needs a queen to sit upon his lappers
517
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:18,986
Hail to the chief
he's the best of all the cutters
518
00:37:19,070 --> 00:37:23,324
He needs a queen
with a bigger pair of udders
519
00:37:23,450 --> 00:37:24,617
-Hail to the chief...
-Hail to the chief...
520
00:37:24,701 --> 00:37:27,953
Blake's gone out of his mind.
ls that going to go on all night?
521
00:37:28,038 --> 00:37:32,791
He took his orders
and shoved them up his rectum
522
00:37:32,876 --> 00:37:34,710
No, no. No food. No food.
523
00:37:34,794 --> 00:37:39,298
-Sex. l want sex. Bring me some sex.
-Storch, Storch, come forth.
524
00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:42,885
-No, no, no, that one. Bring me that one.
-He's chosen you! Congratulations!
525
00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:47,097
That one. The sultry bitch with the fire
in her eyes. Take her clothes off.
526
00:37:47,182 --> 00:37:49,600
l want that one! Yes! Yes!
527
00:37:49,684 --> 00:37:53,520
Take her clothes off and bring her
to me now! l want her now!
528
00:37:55,857 --> 00:37:59,401
Doctor! Doctor!
You forgot your shingle, Doctor.
529
00:38:12,457 --> 00:38:18,504
"This letter has been written
530
00:38:19,714 --> 00:38:24,718
-"in the interest of..."
-Army morale.
531
00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:30,766
Good. "Army morale."
532
00:38:35,814 --> 00:38:37,314
Get that thing out, will you?
533
00:38:37,399 --> 00:38:38,440
You want to sing one, too?
534
00:38:38,525 --> 00:38:41,986
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Radar's going to sing us our verse.
535
00:38:44,948 --> 00:38:47,658
"This letter has been written
in the interest of army morale.
536
00:38:47,742 --> 00:38:49,743
"As officers, we feel
it is our duty to bring this
537
00:38:49,828 --> 00:38:52,162
"unwholesome situation
to your attention.
538
00:38:52,247 --> 00:38:54,164
"We are writing this letterjointly
to assure you that
539
00:38:54,249 --> 00:38:57,584
"no one's personal feeling
has any way influenced this report.
540
00:38:57,669 --> 00:38:59,503
-"Respectfully, Margaret J. Houlihan."
-That's perfect.
541
00:38:59,587 --> 00:39:00,587
-"Major Burns."
-That's perfect.
542
00:39:00,672 --> 00:39:02,506
l think it's a marvelous letter.
543
00:39:03,091 --> 00:39:06,260
-We make a good team, don't we?
-We think the same way.
544
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:07,928
Of course we do.
545
00:39:09,431 --> 00:39:11,348
lt's almost suppertime.
546
00:39:12,434 --> 00:39:15,853
-You're not hungry, are you?
-Ravenous. How about you?
547
00:39:16,813 --> 00:39:18,480
For you, Margaret.
548
00:39:37,459 --> 00:39:39,960
Now, the sooner this reaches him,
549
00:39:40,045 --> 00:39:43,630
the sooner we can turn this
into a tight military outfit.
550
00:39:50,513 --> 00:39:56,560
Attention, camp compound. Corporal
Judson has informed the colonel's office
551
00:39:56,644 --> 00:40:00,731
that three cases of amphetamine sulphate
are unaccounted for again.
552
00:40:00,815 --> 00:40:03,859
This is the third occurrence
of this type in the last month.
553
00:40:03,943 --> 00:40:06,403
It must stop,
by order of Colonel Blake's office,
554
00:40:06,488 --> 00:40:08,655
4077th MASH unit.
555
00:40:09,949 --> 00:40:13,202
l only wish l could deliver
that letter personally.
556
00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:16,288
-Good night, Frank.
-Good night, Margaret.
557
00:40:16,581 --> 00:40:18,916
l'll stop by later on to see if you're all right.
558
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,835
-Why, that won't be necessary.
-No, l don't mind.
559
00:40:23,004 --> 00:40:24,671
l'll leave the door unlocked.
560
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:30,135
Attention.
Captain McIntyre will give a lecture
561
00:40:30,220 --> 00:40:33,639
on blood and fluid replacement
in the mess hall at 0800.
562
00:40:34,557 --> 00:40:36,725
Correction. At 021 ...
563
00:40:36,976 --> 00:40:38,685
At 9:00 this evening.
564
00:40:41,314 --> 00:40:43,315
Take your hat off, Radar.
565
00:40:43,399 --> 00:40:47,152
-You're before the king... Queen.
-Don't get nervous, Radar.
566
00:40:50,365 --> 00:40:52,407
Long live the chief...
567
00:40:52,492 --> 00:40:55,536
The colonel... The colonel...
568
00:40:55,620 --> 00:40:59,248
Long live the chief
The colonel did elect him
569
00:41:00,208 --> 00:41:02,709
But he took all his orders
And shoved them up his nose
570
00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:27,151
-You all right?
-Fine.
571
00:41:28,570 --> 00:41:30,779
Godless buffoons, all of them.
572
00:41:31,030 --> 00:41:35,951
lt's the disrespect for you, Frank.
That's what l can't forgive.
573
00:41:36,911 --> 00:41:38,579
l'm used to it.
574
00:41:41,207 --> 00:41:43,250
-Licorice?
-No, thank you.
575
00:41:45,753 --> 00:41:48,922
What makes me sore
is how they behave towards you.
576
00:41:49,883 --> 00:41:52,634
They ought to be grateful to have you.
577
00:41:55,555 --> 00:41:57,097
l certainly am.
578
00:41:59,934 --> 00:42:02,269
l'm grateful to have you, Frank.
579
00:42:08,610 --> 00:42:11,320
We've grown very close in a short time.
580
00:42:13,781 --> 00:42:17,451
lt isn't just chance. l'm sure of that.
581
00:42:20,955 --> 00:42:23,290
God meant us to find each other.
582
00:42:24,918 --> 00:42:27,294
-His will be done!
-Darling!
583
00:42:28,796 --> 00:42:30,881
Frank! Frank!
584
00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:38,096
l'll help you. Oh, yes.
585
00:42:42,101 --> 00:42:44,770
Wait, wait. Get my robe.
586
00:42:45,271 --> 00:42:47,439
Get my zipper. My zipper.
587
00:42:48,233 --> 00:42:52,110
Oh, God! Careful, careful.
588
00:42:59,827 --> 00:43:02,829
Get the searchlight on. Look.
589
00:43:05,959 --> 00:43:08,669
Hey, put the light out.
590
00:43:10,255 --> 00:43:13,215
Hi. What's going on? May l join you?
591
00:43:14,008 --> 00:43:17,302
A little radio show from home.
592
00:43:18,972 --> 00:43:23,016
-Yes, Frank.
-My zipper. Zipper.
593
00:43:24,894 --> 00:43:28,563
-Frank. Yes. Frank.
-ls this the Bickersons? l love them.
594
00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:32,150
-Who?
-The Battling Bickersons. I love it .
595
00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:36,488
Frank.
596
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:40,826
Hard. Frank.
597
00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:45,330
Harder, harder. Oh, my God.
598
00:43:48,501 --> 00:43:52,838
No, l forgot. No, l...
599
00:43:56,592 --> 00:44:00,053
-You're shining that thing in my eyes.
-l'm sorry.
600
00:44:00,722 --> 00:44:02,222
Darling...
601
00:44:02,932 --> 00:44:05,225
He is such a sweet man.
602
00:44:06,644 --> 00:44:09,730
Frank! Frank, my lips are hot.
603
00:44:10,440 --> 00:44:11,898
Kiss my hot lips!
604
00:44:11,983 --> 00:44:16,486
-Yes, they are hot.
-Hot? Hot Lips?
605
00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:20,699
We have got to share this
with the rest of the camp.
606
00:44:21,534 --> 00:44:24,036
-Switch it over.
-Okay.
607
00:44:24,704 --> 00:44:26,913
Frank. Frank. Yes!
608
00:44:27,165 --> 00:44:29,791
-Darling...
-Frank.
609
00:44:29,876 --> 00:44:32,210
Frank, strangle me hard.
610
00:44:32,754 --> 00:44:35,756
-Frank!
-What the hell is that?
611
00:44:36,966 --> 00:44:38,133
Oh, yes!
612
00:44:39,969 --> 00:44:43,430
Dr. Frank Burns is doing a bit
of dilatation and curettage.
613
00:44:47,101 --> 00:44:51,355
-Sounds like the major's having a dream.
-She's plugged in.
614
00:44:52,148 --> 00:44:55,150
Major. Frank.
615
00:44:56,611 --> 00:44:59,029
-Frank. Wait a second.
-Frank. Wait a second.
616
00:44:59,113 --> 00:45:00,155
-What is it?
-What is it?
617
00:45:00,239 --> 00:45:02,449
-Turn the light off!
-Turn the light off!
618
00:45:02,533 --> 00:45:05,744
-No! Let go! Turn the light off!
-No! Let go! Turn the light off!
619
00:45:06,913 --> 00:45:08,622
-Get your clothes on.
-Get your clothes on.
620
00:45:08,706 --> 00:45:09,706
-Get your pants on.
-Get your pants on.
621
00:45:09,791 --> 00:45:11,708
-Don't shout at me.
-Don't shout at me.
622
00:45:11,793 --> 00:45:13,710
-Don't shove me.
-Don't shove me.
623
00:45:28,935 --> 00:45:31,728
lt's too bad Henry wasn't here.
624
00:45:31,813 --> 00:45:33,980
He would've thought it was
a real radio program.
625
00:45:34,065 --> 00:45:36,149
l thought it was a radio program.
626
00:45:36,234 --> 00:45:38,110
l think we should send
a letter of commendation
627
00:45:38,194 --> 00:45:40,404
to the Armed Forces Radio Network.
628
00:45:40,488 --> 00:45:45,367
Wonderful. Yes. lt was the most
uplifting program l have ever heard.
629
00:45:45,451 --> 00:45:47,536
lt was climactic.
630
00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:55,961
Morning, ladies.
631
00:46:04,137 --> 00:46:05,929
Well, hiya, Hot Lips.
632
00:46:07,765 --> 00:46:11,351
Oh, my goodness, over my...
l'm so sorry to touch you, but l...
633
00:46:14,689 --> 00:46:16,148
Well, what's the matter with her today?
634
00:46:16,232 --> 00:46:18,358
l don't know.
l think it's one of those ladies' things.
635
00:46:18,443 --> 00:46:21,361
-lt's not like her to act like this.
-No, l mean, she's made such a...
636
00:46:21,446 --> 00:46:23,947
She's a bitch.
Look at my new flannel sweater.
637
00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:25,532
l think she's gonna have
a nervous breakdown.
638
00:46:25,616 --> 00:46:28,535
She can't even get out of the door. Look...
639
00:46:33,583 --> 00:46:35,125
Morning, Frank.
640
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:38,962
Heard from your wife?
641
00:46:43,634 --> 00:46:45,093
Morning, Colonel,
you forgot your briefcase.
642
00:46:45,178 --> 00:46:46,928
Yes, l left it in the jeep.
643
00:46:47,013 --> 00:46:49,389
-You left it there.
-Yes. l forgot it. Got it.
644
00:46:49,474 --> 00:46:50,807
-Morning, Captain.
-Morning, sir.
645
00:46:50,892 --> 00:46:52,934
l hope you didn't have to...
Here, take care of this.
646
00:46:53,019 --> 00:46:56,897
l hope you didn't have to bother
with those shirts. lt wasn't necessary.
647
00:46:56,981 --> 00:47:01,067
-Too late, sir. lt's a done thing.
-Well, thank you. Morning, padre.
648
00:47:01,152 --> 00:47:03,403
You know, l really got to assume...
649
00:47:05,531 --> 00:47:10,619
-Colonel, sir. How was your visit, sir?
-Great. The general wasn't there.
650
00:47:12,914 --> 00:47:17,501
Listen, about last night, sir, there was
just nothing l could do about it, sir.
651
00:47:17,585 --> 00:47:19,211
-Nothing?
-Nothing.
652
00:47:19,504 --> 00:47:22,881
-Well, it couldn't have been helped.
-Thank you, sir.
653
00:47:23,549 --> 00:47:25,133
What's that?
654
00:47:25,885 --> 00:47:28,136
Frank Burns and Hawkeye Pierce.
Very encouraging.
655
00:47:29,263 --> 00:47:34,476
A bunch of the boys asked me to ask you,
Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack.
656
00:47:34,560 --> 00:47:36,019
-You know, was she...
-Mind your own business.
657
00:47:36,103 --> 00:47:39,856
No, Frank.
You know, is she better than self-abuse?
658
00:47:40,107 --> 00:47:43,693
What's that all about?
He gonna get some pointers or something?
659
00:47:43,778 --> 00:47:46,154
No, Hawkeye's gonna sign him up
660
00:47:46,239 --> 00:47:49,032
to make a personal appearance tour
in all the camps in Korea.
661
00:47:49,116 --> 00:47:50,408
ls that a fact?
662
00:47:50,493 --> 00:47:52,577
Wonder what they're saying.
Can you make it out?
663
00:47:52,662 --> 00:47:55,830
Does that big ass of hers
move around a lot, Frank,
664
00:47:55,915 --> 00:47:59,084
or does it sort of lie there flaccid?
What would you say about that?
665
00:48:00,461 --> 00:48:03,964
Hawkeye's questioning the major
on a point of anatomy.
666
00:48:04,048 --> 00:48:06,091
Very professional, exchanging ideas.
667
00:48:06,467 --> 00:48:08,552
Would you say that
she was a moaner, Frank?
668
00:48:10,388 --> 00:48:11,930
What is Burns saying?
669
00:48:12,014 --> 00:48:14,140
Major Burns isn't saying
much of anything, sir.
670
00:48:14,225 --> 00:48:16,059
l think he's formulating the answer.
671
00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:17,644
Seriously, Frank. l mean, does she go...
672
00:48:19,146 --> 00:48:22,107
Or does she just sort of lie there quiet
and not do anything at all?
673
00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:25,110
-Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
-Or does she go...
674
00:48:28,239 --> 00:48:31,741
Get him off me! Get him off me!
675
00:48:31,826 --> 00:48:34,077
What's going on, Frank?
ls that lesson one?
676
00:48:34,161 --> 00:48:36,204
Frank Burns has gone nuts!
677
00:48:39,458 --> 00:48:41,084
-Hey.
-Hey.
678
00:48:41,168 --> 00:48:43,461
l'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
679
00:48:43,546 --> 00:48:44,921
Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye.
680
00:48:45,006 --> 00:48:48,133
That man is a sex maniac.
l don't think Hot Lips satisfied him.
681
00:48:48,217 --> 00:48:50,385
You're gonna kill him.
682
00:48:50,469 --> 00:48:52,846
Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye.
683
00:49:29,842 --> 00:49:34,346
Colonel, fair's fair. lf l nail Hot Lips
and punch Hawkeye, can l go home?
684
00:49:56,494 --> 00:49:58,328
-Hawkeye!
-Yeah, l'll be there in a minute.
685
00:49:58,412 --> 00:50:00,747
-Hawkeye!
-Shit.
686
00:50:01,290 --> 00:50:03,375
Okay. Hey, listen, Seidman,
get another guy.
687
00:50:03,459 --> 00:50:05,251
We gotta take this into the OR,
just on the stretcher.
688
00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:08,338
Hold on, you're gonna be just fine, fella.
689
00:50:08,422 --> 00:50:11,174
Okay. l can't move my hand.
Now, come on.
690
00:50:12,551 --> 00:50:14,761
Have you got the cutdowns, darling?
691
00:50:15,680 --> 00:50:17,889
You're gonna go to sleep.
You're gonna be just fine.
692
00:50:17,973 --> 00:50:19,766
Hot Lips, let me have
one of your sterile knives, please.
693
00:50:19,850 --> 00:50:23,019
-l'm gonna need two vascular clamps.
-All right.
694
00:50:23,104 --> 00:50:24,854
And an arterial suture.
695
00:50:24,939 --> 00:50:26,231
As soon as you give me the clamp,
696
00:50:26,315 --> 00:50:28,942
l want you to be ready to gown
and glove me. All right?
697
00:50:29,026 --> 00:50:30,360
-Ready? Okay.
-Yeah.
698
00:50:30,444 --> 00:50:32,529
Here we go. lt's gonna spurt a bit. Okay.
699
00:50:32,613 --> 00:50:35,699
-You got it?
-Aye, aye, baby.
700
00:50:37,243 --> 00:50:38,702
-Clamp.
-Yeah.
701
00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:44,833
Okay, gown.
702
00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:49,921
-Gloves. You got an arterial suture ready?
-Yeah.
703
00:50:50,005 --> 00:50:53,383
Okay. Ugly, move out of the way
'cause l'm looking around over there.
704
00:50:53,467 --> 00:50:57,637
Baby, we're gonna see some stitching
like you never saw before!
705
00:50:58,180 --> 00:50:59,389
Attention. Attention.
706
00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:00,557
-You got it?
-Okay. Here she goes.
707
00:51:00,641 --> 00:51:01,641
This is Colonel Blake's office.
708
00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:03,601
-The American Medical Association...
-Straight off and running.
709
00:51:03,686 --> 00:51:06,312
...has just declared marijuana
a dangerous drug.
710
00:51:06,397 --> 00:51:08,982
Despite earlier claims by some physicians
711
00:51:09,567 --> 00:51:12,694
that it is no more harmful than alcohol,
this is now found to be the case.
712
00:51:12,778 --> 00:51:14,028
That is all.
713
00:51:14,113 --> 00:51:15,613
Oh, really?
714
00:51:16,157 --> 00:51:18,199
When did you get them?
Let me try it on you.
715
00:51:18,284 --> 00:51:19,826
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
716
00:51:20,494 --> 00:51:24,080
Hey, Dago Reddo!
Hi. You're just in time for cocktails.
717
00:51:24,165 --> 00:51:26,750
-Come on in.
-No. No, thank you. l can't, really.
718
00:51:26,834 --> 00:51:29,586
-Hawkeye. Hawkeye.
-Okay, Red.
719
00:51:29,670 --> 00:51:31,546
-Could l speak to you?
-Yeah, sure.
720
00:51:31,630 --> 00:51:33,006
No, outside.
721
00:51:34,091 --> 00:51:36,718
-What?
-l have to talk to you outside.
722
00:51:40,181 --> 00:51:41,931
-You all right?
-Hiya, Pup-Pup.
723
00:51:43,225 --> 00:51:45,268
Sorry to drag you away from the gang
in there, but...
724
00:51:45,352 --> 00:51:48,271
-What?
-This'll only take a moment.
725
00:51:48,689 --> 00:51:51,274
-There's a problem with Walt Waldowski.
-Painless?
726
00:51:51,358 --> 00:51:53,401
-Painless.
-You got a toothache? He's a good dentist.
727
00:51:53,486 --> 00:51:56,988
No, no, no, it's not my problem.
See, it's his problem.
728
00:51:57,615 --> 00:52:01,326
-What do you mean? What is it?
-Well, what is it... That's...
729
00:52:01,410 --> 00:52:03,286
lt's difficult to talk about, you see,
730
00:52:03,370 --> 00:52:07,332
because l learned about his problem
in confession.
731
00:52:07,416 --> 00:52:10,168
-And you can't...
-l can't divulge.
732
00:52:10,252 --> 00:52:12,712
-Can you give me a hint?
-But l...
733
00:52:14,089 --> 00:52:16,090
-Just an idea?
-Well, no.
734
00:52:17,218 --> 00:52:20,553
But l can tell you how serious it is.
735
00:52:21,222 --> 00:52:23,223
He and the boys were playing poker
736
00:52:23,307 --> 00:52:25,642
and one of the boys turned to him
and asked him
737
00:52:25,726 --> 00:52:28,937
for a ruling on one of the hands.
738
00:52:29,271 --> 00:52:32,148
And Walt said, he said,
739
00:52:32,233 --> 00:52:35,735
"What does it matter? lt's only a game."
740
00:52:36,779 --> 00:52:39,155
Painless said,
"What does it matter? lt's only a game"?
741
00:52:39,240 --> 00:52:41,282
-Poker, only a game?
-Yeah.
742
00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:44,661
Yeah, that's what l thought.
743
00:52:44,745 --> 00:52:47,705
l guess l better go see a man
about a tooth.
744
00:52:48,123 --> 00:52:49,457
Thank you.
745
00:52:49,875 --> 00:52:53,086
-See, l didn't know what to do.
-Pup-Pup.
746
00:52:53,963 --> 00:52:56,422
You see, there are some...
747
00:52:56,507 --> 00:52:59,509
There are some things
that absolution just...
748
00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:01,594
Well...
749
00:53:03,389 --> 00:53:05,890
Seven, eight, Jack.
Straight. Three on a low.
750
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:11,187
Four, three... Hawkeye, there's
an empty chair here looking for a player.
751
00:53:11,272 --> 00:53:13,815
Baby, l've got a toothache
like you can't believe.
752
00:53:13,899 --> 00:53:17,944
Why do you bring that dog in here?
Last time you did l lost $30.
753
00:53:18,571 --> 00:53:21,489
Listen, why do you have to sit right
behind me? lt makes me very nervous.
754
00:53:21,574 --> 00:53:23,408
lt brings me a lot of luck. Sit there, Boone.
755
00:53:23,492 --> 00:53:26,661
-Come on. Let's play, man.
-Deuce. Ace.
756
00:53:27,580 --> 00:53:29,747
-Can l take some of your Scotch?
-Sure.
757
00:53:29,832 --> 00:53:31,583
-You want some?
-No.
758
00:53:34,003 --> 00:53:36,796
-How you feeling?
-No, no, don't touch me.
759
00:53:37,756 --> 00:53:39,215
Look, if...
760
00:53:40,259 --> 00:53:43,636
lf a man isn't a man anymore,
761
00:53:45,806 --> 00:53:49,225
what's he got left
that he should be living for?
762
00:53:51,437 --> 00:53:53,563
Okay, tell me about it. What's the story?
763
00:53:53,647 --> 00:53:58,443
Well, you know that little nurse that was
through here last night with the 325th?
764
00:53:58,527 --> 00:54:01,946
-The little one with the big boobs.
-Yeah, l know. Yeah.
765
00:54:02,031 --> 00:54:03,698
Well, anyway, l...
766
00:54:04,575 --> 00:54:08,161
l wasn't gonna fool around out here
because l got these...
767
00:54:08,245 --> 00:54:11,915
l got these three girls
that l'm engaged to back home.
768
00:54:11,999 --> 00:54:15,335
And you wanted to be faithful to them.
Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home.
769
00:54:15,419 --> 00:54:20,006
Yeah, well, anyway,
l took her out last night and l failed.
770
00:54:20,925 --> 00:54:23,801
-You mean she wouldn't put out? Well...
-No, she wanted to, in the worst way.
771
00:54:23,886 --> 00:54:25,929
But it was me. l just couldn't...
772
00:54:26,013 --> 00:54:30,516
-You couldn't... lt wouldn't...
-Yeah, nothing happened. Not at all. No.
773
00:54:30,601 --> 00:54:32,310
Baby, that happens to everybody.
774
00:54:32,394 --> 00:54:33,937
lt's happened to me
maybe four or five times.
775
00:54:34,021 --> 00:54:35,271
lt's 'cause you're tired...
776
00:54:35,356 --> 00:54:38,107
Yeah, well,
it's never happened to me before.
777
00:54:38,192 --> 00:54:41,361
Come on. You're the best-equipped dentist
in the army.
778
00:54:41,445 --> 00:54:45,406
-You're the dental Don Juan of Detroit.
-That's just a cover-up.
779
00:54:47,660 --> 00:54:49,243
-What's a cover-up?
-Don Juanism.
780
00:54:49,328 --> 00:54:51,287
l've been reading about it all day.
lt's a cover-up.
781
00:54:51,372 --> 00:54:53,456
lt's a cover-up for what?
782
00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:56,584
Well...
783
00:54:59,546 --> 00:55:00,964
l'm a fairy.
784
00:55:02,216 --> 00:55:06,594
A victim of latent homosexuality.
l've turned into a fairy.
785
00:55:15,854 --> 00:55:20,274
-Have you... Have you done anything?
-No, but it's only a matter of time.
786
00:55:20,567 --> 00:55:22,735
Boy, l just can't face it.
787
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:28,741
Look, Hawkeye, suppose that
you found out that you were one, huh?
788
00:55:28,826 --> 00:55:29,826
-One...
-Yeah.
789
00:55:29,910 --> 00:55:32,996
Well, you wouldn't like breaking the news
to your wife.
790
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:34,998
No, l can see that that would be a problem.
791
00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:38,543
Yeah, well, l got the same problem,
only multiplied.
792
00:55:39,920 --> 00:55:41,963
Well, you know, Man O' War,
793
00:55:42,756 --> 00:55:47,719
after they retired him from racing,
they put him out to stud.
794
00:55:48,887 --> 00:55:55,143
And he had an average of about 1 20,
795
00:55:55,602 --> 00:55:59,897
1 30 foals every year,
796
00:56:00,524 --> 00:56:02,400
and he lived to be 36.
797
00:56:02,943 --> 00:56:05,194
And then when he died,
they did an autopsy
798
00:56:05,279 --> 00:56:08,364
and they found out
that he was a raving queen.
799
00:56:10,284 --> 00:56:12,952
No, that's a little-known fact,
but it's the truth.
800
00:56:13,037 --> 00:56:15,621
Well, then, Painless has got a couple
of good years left in him, doesn't he?
801
00:56:15,706 --> 00:56:18,041
Maybe more.
He hasn't even started raving yet.
802
00:56:18,125 --> 00:56:22,003
Painless is a dentist, and a dentist
shouldn't read. That's his whole problem.
803
00:56:22,087 --> 00:56:24,839
His problem is that he believes it.
l mean, he really is convinced.
804
00:56:24,923 --> 00:56:28,843
lt's an obsession, and it's a vital force.
805
00:56:30,220 --> 00:56:31,721
Here he comes! The jawbreaker.
806
00:56:31,805 --> 00:56:33,848
No, don't worry.
He's not gonna break anything.
807
00:56:33,932 --> 00:56:36,059
Just act natural.
808
00:56:45,069 --> 00:56:47,653
Hey, Painless. How's she going?
809
00:56:48,155 --> 00:56:50,239
Something in a marshmallow?
810
00:56:51,992 --> 00:56:55,203
No, it's okay, fellas.
l know you've been talking about me.
811
00:56:57,831 --> 00:57:01,709
Well, l came over to tell you
that l've decided that
812
00:57:01,794 --> 00:57:03,961
l'm going to commit suicide.
813
00:57:07,508 --> 00:57:10,635
Well, if you're really gonna
go ahead and do it,
814
00:57:10,844 --> 00:57:14,180
do you think you could leave me
your record player?
815
00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:16,432
-Sure.
-Thank you.
816
00:57:17,726 --> 00:57:20,603
Gonna miss you, Painless.
How do you plan to do it?
817
00:57:20,687 --> 00:57:22,563
A .45 between the eyes?
818
00:57:22,648 --> 00:57:25,399
-That's awful sloppy.
-lt's reliable, though.
819
00:57:25,484 --> 00:57:28,945
Well, that's another thing
l wanted to ask you.
820
00:57:29,488 --> 00:57:31,572
l'm sort of new at this game, and...
821
00:57:31,657 --> 00:57:34,492
Do you have any particular method
that you'd recommend?
822
00:57:34,576 --> 00:57:38,621
l don't know. l think my colleagues and l
could come up with something
823
00:57:38,705 --> 00:57:41,833
-to relinquish the vital forces of their...
-Black capsule.
824
00:57:41,917 --> 00:57:45,044
-Black capsule.
-Of course. That's neat.
825
00:57:45,129 --> 00:57:48,089
What's a black capsule?
Do you have any of them? Does it work?
826
00:57:48,173 --> 00:57:49,799
lt worked for Hitler and Eva Braun.
827
00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:51,425
-lt should work for you.
-lt's simple and it's effective.
828
00:57:52,553 --> 00:57:53,970
Hawkeye, l really must...
829
00:57:54,054 --> 00:57:56,556
l should check with
the military vicar's office.
830
00:57:56,640 --> 00:58:00,977
You see, l cannot give absolution to a man
who is about to commit suicide.
831
00:58:01,061 --> 00:58:02,228
lt's a mortal sin.
832
00:58:02,312 --> 00:58:06,023
Look, Dago, he is not committing suicide.
He is only intending to commit suicide.
833
00:58:06,108 --> 00:58:08,860
So you're not dealing with an act,
you're dealing with an intention.
834
00:58:08,944 --> 00:58:12,321
And if it works, if what we're doing works,
then he will not commit suicide,
835
00:58:12,406 --> 00:58:14,657
so therefore
you're preventing a mortal sin. Okay?
836
00:58:14,741 --> 00:58:16,659
Well, l should check.
837
00:58:16,743 --> 00:58:19,453
-Well, you check on it.
-Well, there's...
838
00:59:04,249 --> 00:59:07,126
All right, where you at? There you go.
839
00:59:08,462 --> 00:59:14,675
Now, then, you've all come here
to say your final farewell to old Walt here.
840
00:59:14,968 --> 00:59:17,261
-Farewell, Walt.
-Dear old Walt.
841
00:59:17,429 --> 00:59:23,017
You know, l got an idea that maybe
it's not such a final farewell after all.
842
00:59:23,101 --> 00:59:27,271
l think maybe old Walt's going on
into the unknown
843
00:59:27,356 --> 00:59:30,191
to do a little recon work for us all.
844
00:59:30,651 --> 00:59:33,110
l just want to say one thing.
845
00:59:33,528 --> 00:59:35,738
Nobody ordered Walt
to go on this mission.
846
00:59:35,822 --> 00:59:38,908
-He volunteered for certain death.
-That's true.
847
00:59:38,992 --> 00:59:41,118
That's what we award
our highest medals for.
848
00:59:41,203 --> 00:59:44,956
-That's beautiful.
-That's what being a soldier is all about.
849
00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:47,583
-Yeah. Hear! Hear!
-Yes. Yes.
850
00:59:47,668 --> 00:59:52,838
Gentlemen, l think there's only one person
who has anything to add to that,
851
00:59:52,923 --> 00:59:56,842
-and that's Dago Red.
-The padre. Let's hear it for the padre.
852
01:00:04,017 --> 01:00:06,852
Walt, here's your black capsule.
853
01:00:10,357 --> 01:00:13,484
Look, this thing works pretty fast,
doesn't it?
854
01:00:13,568 --> 01:00:16,320
l think l better go lie down over there.
855
01:00:18,198 --> 01:00:20,283
Walt, that'll help you.
856
01:00:22,953 --> 01:00:28,833
Through early morning fog I see
857
01:00:29,209 --> 01:00:33,921
Visions of the things to be
858
01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:39,593
The pains that are withheld for me
859
01:00:39,845 --> 01:00:45,182
I realize and I can see
860
01:00:48,979 --> 01:00:53,649
That suicide is painless
861
01:00:53,775 --> 01:00:58,112
It brings on many changes
862
01:00:58,322 --> 01:01:04,952
And I can take or leave it if I please
863
01:01:07,539 --> 01:01:11,917
The game of life is hard to play
864
01:01:12,002 --> 01:01:15,921
I'm going to lose it anyway
865
01:01:16,381 --> 01:01:20,343
The losing card I'll someday lay
866
01:01:20,510 --> 01:01:25,264
So this is all I have to say
867
01:01:27,642 --> 01:01:29,018
That suicide is painless
868
01:01:29,102 --> 01:01:32,688
Wherever you go, take this. Good luck.
869
01:01:32,773 --> 01:01:35,649
It brings on many changes
870
01:01:35,734 --> 01:01:39,236
And I can take or leave it if I please
871
01:01:39,321 --> 01:01:42,114
l'll always remember you just like this.
872
01:01:44,576 --> 01:01:48,245
The only way to win is cheat
873
01:01:48,330 --> 01:01:52,583
And lay it down before I'm beat
874
01:01:52,959 --> 01:01:57,088
And to another give my seat
875
01:01:57,172 --> 01:02:01,884
For that's the only painless feat
876
01:02:01,968 --> 01:02:03,260
Painless.
877
01:02:04,638 --> 01:02:08,015
Suicide is painless
878
01:02:08,433 --> 01:02:10,142
It brings on many changes
879
01:02:10,227 --> 01:02:12,561
lt was really nice of you.
Thanks for asking me.
880
01:02:12,646 --> 01:02:15,231
And I can take or leave it if I please
881
01:02:15,315 --> 01:02:16,524
Thing is,
882
01:02:17,943 --> 01:02:20,778
you're throwing
your whole education away.
883
01:02:23,615 --> 01:02:24,740
And you can do
884
01:02:24,825 --> 01:02:26,909
Good night, jawbreaker.
885
01:02:28,036 --> 01:02:31,539
The same thing
886
01:02:31,623 --> 01:02:37,753
If you please
887
01:03:00,026 --> 01:03:01,277
Hi, baby.
888
01:03:02,237 --> 01:03:04,447
-Hi.
-l'm glad you could come.
889
01:03:05,282 --> 01:03:07,158
Sorry it was so late.
890
01:03:07,242 --> 01:03:10,870
That's okay. l really couldn't sleep anyway.
l'm so nervous.
891
01:03:18,253 --> 01:03:20,171
You leaving tomorrow?
892
01:03:22,883 --> 01:03:25,968
Yeah. l'll be on my way
in less than 1 2 hours.
893
01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:31,932
l suppose who it's going to be really
roughest on, though, is your husband.
894
01:03:33,643 --> 01:03:36,896
Why are you all of a sudden
so concerned with him?
895
01:03:37,856 --> 01:03:40,316
l mean, a man would be
more considerate to his wife.
896
01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:42,443
He wouldn't go home a nervous wreck.
897
01:03:43,111 --> 01:03:46,489
You're just going to have to stop using
logic 'cause you're just proving...
898
01:03:46,573 --> 01:03:48,157
lt could be a purely impersonal thing.
899
01:03:48,241 --> 01:03:50,868
...why l shouldn't go to bed with you.
900
01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:53,370
l didn't mean me.
901
01:03:57,209 --> 01:04:00,169
You have the rare privilege that happens
on certain occasions
902
01:04:00,253 --> 01:04:03,297
to chief executives of states or nations.
903
01:04:03,757 --> 01:04:07,676
You have the privilege
of restoring a human being's life
904
01:04:07,761 --> 01:04:09,762
by a tender act of mercy.
905
01:04:10,680 --> 01:04:14,517
What is this? Hawkeye, is he dead?
906
01:04:15,727 --> 01:04:17,520
No, no.
907
01:04:18,146 --> 01:04:20,356
He's not dead. Not yet.
908
01:04:21,483 --> 01:04:23,776
Painless has a grave
psychological problem,
909
01:04:23,860 --> 01:04:26,195
and you're the only person
who can help him.
910
01:04:26,279 --> 01:04:29,657
Oh, no, Hawkeye. Oh, no. Come on.
911
01:04:29,741 --> 01:04:31,784
No, Maria.
No, you've got to look on this as a nurse.
912
01:04:31,868 --> 01:04:35,204
Painless needs it for therapeutic value.
913
01:04:35,288 --> 01:04:38,541
lt will help him, and it certainly
wouldn't do you any harm, either,
914
01:04:38,625 --> 01:04:39,792
to think about it for a bit.
915
01:04:39,876 --> 01:04:41,961
lf you think that your virtue
is more important
916
01:04:42,045 --> 01:04:44,380
than Painless' life, that's fine.
That's entirely up to you.
917
01:04:44,464 --> 01:04:49,134
l just want you to stay here
and be with him for a minute.
918
01:04:49,261 --> 01:04:51,428
Just look at him.
919
01:04:51,513 --> 01:04:56,016
-Just stay close to the whole man.
-Oh, Hawkeye!
920
01:04:57,686 --> 01:04:59,311
And look at him.
921
01:05:04,484 --> 01:05:05,734
Hawkeye!
922
01:05:08,488 --> 01:05:10,614
This is ridiculous.
923
01:05:47,694 --> 01:05:51,822
You forgot your hat! You wouldn't
want to leave without a souvenir.
924
01:05:51,906 --> 01:05:53,532
Have a good trip.
925
01:05:55,327 --> 01:05:58,704
Lieutenant Schneider, you forgot to pick up
your traveling orders. Wait a second!
926
01:05:58,788 --> 01:06:03,000
You're supposed to pick...
These are your traveling orders.
927
01:06:07,589 --> 01:06:10,132
-Morning, Painless.
-Hi, Hawkeye.
928
01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:12,551
How's she going?
929
01:06:12,844 --> 01:06:15,012
Slept like a doll last night.
930
01:06:15,096 --> 01:06:16,430
Well, can't waste time. Big day.
931
01:06:16,514 --> 01:06:19,141
Got two jaws to rebuild.
Come on, Seidman.
932
01:06:21,269 --> 01:06:22,895
Have a good day.
933
01:06:46,294 --> 01:06:48,003
Attention. Attention.
934
01:06:48,088 --> 01:06:50,798
Religious services for Yom Kippur
will be held this...
935
01:06:50,882 --> 01:06:55,010
Will not, will not be held this Friday
due to mitigating circumstances.
936
01:06:55,095 --> 01:06:57,262
For those who wish to observe
said holiday,
937
01:06:57,347 --> 01:07:00,140
Sunday has been reserved. That is all.
938
01:07:00,225 --> 01:07:02,851
-Trapper, this one's for you, babe.
-Knife.
939
01:07:04,312 --> 01:07:05,979
That man is a prisoner of war, Doctor.
940
01:07:06,064 --> 01:07:08,732
So are you, sweetheart,
but you don't know it.
941
01:07:08,817 --> 01:07:12,027
-lt's in pretty deep.
-l think that was my finger.
942
01:07:12,904 --> 01:07:16,031
Now, l need your help, Hawkeye.
lt's hit more than a lung.
943
01:07:16,116 --> 01:07:18,617
-What do you think?
-l don't know.
944
01:07:19,285 --> 01:07:20,869
-Hey, Radar.
-Yes.
945
01:07:20,954 --> 01:07:24,331
Radar, has that A negative come in from
Seoul yet? l need some in right away.
946
01:07:24,416 --> 01:07:27,876
-We keep ordering it, but it never arrives.
-How'd the kid take the induction, Ugly?
947
01:07:27,961 --> 01:07:29,753
Good. He's ready.
948
01:07:29,838 --> 01:07:32,131
Pickups and irrigation, please.
949
01:07:33,299 --> 01:07:34,466
-We good?
-Yeah.
950
01:07:34,551 --> 01:07:35,968
All right, give me some gel foam.
951
01:07:37,053 --> 01:07:39,471
Not now, honey. Go back to sleep.
952
01:07:48,189 --> 01:07:49,481
Scissors.
953
01:07:50,483 --> 01:07:52,401
-Sponge.
-More sponges.
954
01:07:53,069 --> 01:07:56,697
-Let's have the suction up here. Thank you.
-Rib spreader.
955
01:07:57,615 --> 01:08:01,827
-Clamp.
-Let's give him a sexy scar, huh? Fantastic.
956
01:08:02,162 --> 01:08:03,162
There's a lot of blood.
957
01:08:03,246 --> 01:08:04,288
-Sponge.
-Go ahead.
958
01:08:04,372 --> 01:08:07,416
-Scissors. Watch it.
-Give me something to stuff it in with.
959
01:08:07,500 --> 01:08:08,917
-Clamp.
-Pickups to me, please.
960
01:08:09,002 --> 01:08:10,502
How's he tolerating this, Ugly John?
961
01:08:10,587 --> 01:08:13,338
-Good. He's young.
-Things get slippery in there, man.
962
01:08:13,423 --> 01:08:14,840
You're a backhanded guy.
963
01:08:14,924 --> 01:08:17,176
Let me have the forceps
and a sponge stick.
964
01:08:17,260 --> 01:08:20,929
Hot Lips, you may be a pain in the ass,
but you're a damn good nurse.
965
01:08:21,014 --> 01:08:24,349
-Thanks, Trapper.
-Put in the blood there, will you, John?
966
01:08:24,434 --> 01:08:26,518
There's a clot on the cava,
just above the atrium, though.
967
01:08:26,603 --> 01:08:27,936
Must be the point of entry.
968
01:08:28,021 --> 01:08:29,188
Clamp.
969
01:08:32,609 --> 01:08:35,611
l feel a fragment right underneath the clot.
970
01:08:35,695 --> 01:08:37,780
-You control the cava.
-Okay.
971
01:08:37,864 --> 01:08:40,616
-We got to stop that spurting.
-Clamp.
972
01:08:40,700 --> 01:08:42,826
-Do what?
-Stop the spurting.
973
01:08:42,911 --> 01:08:45,412
That's a very good technical term.
974
01:08:46,372 --> 01:08:47,956
Oh, Christ. lt's not in the cava.
975
01:08:48,041 --> 01:08:50,083
lt's in the pulmonary artery
in the left side.
976
01:08:50,168 --> 01:08:53,003
Okay, let me close him up, sit on it
for a couple of days till we get the blood.
977
01:08:53,087 --> 01:08:55,130
We can't sit on it for a couple of days.
What if we get jammed up?
978
01:08:55,215 --> 01:08:57,007
We don't have the blood!
979
01:08:57,091 --> 01:08:59,384
We got to turn him over.
lf you cut again, you'll lose him.
980
01:08:59,469 --> 01:09:03,514
Look, Hawkeye, the artery can erode.
l would...
981
01:09:03,598 --> 01:09:05,974
Now's the time to take our shot.
We got to shoot crap.
982
01:09:06,059 --> 01:09:09,019
-A negative. lt's been cross-matched.
-You said you didn't have any blood.
983
01:09:09,103 --> 01:09:10,270
l found a donor.
984
01:09:10,688 --> 01:09:15,317
You know, up close, all crumpled up like
that, they don't look like much, you know.
985
01:09:15,401 --> 01:09:17,903
Hey, was he loaded or empty
when he crashed?
986
01:09:17,987 --> 01:09:20,823
No, he was loaded,
but it didn't matter much.
987
01:09:20,907 --> 01:09:24,284
You see, the two guys
he was carrying were dead already.
988
01:09:24,369 --> 01:09:26,203
What about the pilot?
What happened to him?
989
01:09:26,287 --> 01:09:28,497
Pilot's fine. Took off a kneecap,
990
01:09:28,581 --> 01:09:30,791
and he lost the function
in his right hand, but he's great.
991
01:09:30,875 --> 01:09:34,419
l didn't hear. What color was her hair?
992
01:09:34,504 --> 01:09:37,172
Black, shiny. Shiny, black hair.
993
01:09:37,257 --> 01:09:42,719
Black? You like black?
l'm kind of partial to blonde myself.
994
01:09:42,804 --> 01:09:47,641
l knew it. l knew you had
an attraction for Hot Lips Houlihan.
995
01:09:47,725 --> 01:09:49,935
-Hear! Hear!
-Go to hell, Captain Pierce.
996
01:09:50,019 --> 01:09:52,521
You know l damn near puke
every time l look at her.
997
01:09:52,605 --> 01:09:55,482
Besides, l'll bet she's not a real blonde.
998
01:09:55,567 --> 01:10:00,612
How dare you say that about
an officer of the United States Army, sir?
999
01:10:00,738 --> 01:10:04,992
l'll not only say it,
but l'll back it with 20 bucks. How's that?
1000
01:10:05,076 --> 01:10:07,953
You have yourself a bet, sir.
You're my witness.
1001
01:10:08,037 --> 01:10:10,789
l'll be a witness, but who's going to be
the poor schmuckwho finds out?
1002
01:10:10,874 --> 01:10:15,460
Well, l could, if no one else wants, l...
1003
01:10:15,545 --> 01:10:20,674
No, no. We got to all see it together
somehow.
1004
01:10:34,981 --> 01:10:37,816
You know, it's five minutes after the time
the nurses usually take their shower.
1005
01:10:37,901 --> 01:10:40,152
-Where are they?
-They will be here.
1006
01:10:41,654 --> 01:10:43,447
Finest kind, Ho-Jon.
1007
01:10:44,699 --> 01:10:46,825
-What's happening?
-Radar.
1008
01:10:47,660 --> 01:10:49,161
-You see the papers?
-What?
1009
01:10:49,245 --> 01:10:50,621
-You don't know about the papers?
-What papers?
1010
01:10:50,705 --> 01:10:51,788
The Colonel left some papers.
1011
01:10:51,873 --> 01:10:55,334
-Why didn't you tell me about the papers?
-l tried to tell you.
1012
01:10:57,837 --> 01:11:00,923
Here you go, here you go. They're coming.
1013
01:11:09,432 --> 01:11:11,892
-Evelyn, could you give me a hand?
-Sure.
1014
01:11:11,976 --> 01:11:15,520
Hey, Frankie, could you take a look
at my corns, please?
1015
01:11:16,564 --> 01:11:18,649
Knocko, the pictures of my kids
have come.
1016
01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,275
The pictures of my kids have come.
1017
01:11:20,360 --> 01:11:22,319
Hot Lips, would you like to see
the pictures of my kids?
1018
01:11:22,403 --> 01:11:24,571
l'm not the slightest bit interested.
1019
01:12:43,151 --> 01:12:44,526
Bravo!
1020
01:12:44,610 --> 01:12:47,946
Bravo! Bravo!
1021
01:12:48,489 --> 01:12:51,324
Bravo! Author! Bravo!
1022
01:12:54,078 --> 01:12:57,330
Bravo! Author! Author!
1023
01:12:57,415 --> 01:12:58,999
20 bucks, huh?
1024
01:12:59,667 --> 01:13:01,376
You win the bet.
1025
01:13:01,461 --> 01:13:03,503
You bastards!
1026
01:13:15,016 --> 01:13:17,059
-Major, what went on over there...
-Where's Colonel Blake?
1027
01:13:17,143 --> 01:13:18,518
Wait a second.
You can't go and see Colonel Blake.
1028
01:13:18,603 --> 01:13:20,645
You shut up, you twerp!
1029
01:13:28,071 --> 01:13:31,573
This isn't a hospital!
lt's an insane asylum!
1030
01:13:31,657 --> 01:13:36,244
And it's your fault because you don't
do anything to discourage them!
1031
01:13:36,871 --> 01:13:40,040
-What do you want me to do?
-Put them under arrest!
1032
01:13:40,124 --> 01:13:44,169
See what a court-martial thinks
of their drunken hooliganism!
1033
01:13:45,129 --> 01:13:49,841
At first they called me Hot Lips,
and you let them get away with it,
1034
01:13:49,926 --> 01:13:53,762
and then you let them
get away with everything!
1035
01:13:55,348 --> 01:14:00,852
lf you don't turn them over
to the MP this minute,
1036
01:14:00,937 --> 01:14:06,108
l'm going to resign my commission!
1037
01:14:06,192 --> 01:14:09,903
God damn it, Hot Lips,
resign your goddamn commission.
1038
01:14:14,200 --> 01:14:21,873
My commission!
1039
01:14:22,625 --> 01:14:24,543
A little more wine, my dear?
1040
01:14:24,627 --> 01:14:26,211
Yes, please.
1041
01:14:35,054 --> 01:14:36,972
Don't forget to get your mother
her present.
1042
01:14:37,056 --> 01:14:39,558
You know what l want to get her?
1043
01:14:39,642 --> 01:14:41,143
Come on, baby.
1044
01:14:42,645 --> 01:14:46,398
Come on. You all right?
Keep it straight, eh?
1045
01:14:46,482 --> 01:14:49,192
No. First of all, the present,
then dinner, then the movie.
1046
01:14:49,277 --> 01:14:51,111
-You mean all, all three of us?
-Who is this?
1047
01:14:51,195 --> 01:14:52,863
Where l go, Warren goes.
1048
01:14:52,947 --> 01:14:54,906
What? You don't want me to go with you?
1049
01:14:56,409 --> 01:14:58,451
-lt's not that.
-l think...
1050
01:14:59,245 --> 01:15:01,079
Oh, yes, l do!
1051
01:15:02,290 --> 01:15:05,500
He's Syngman Rhee's son,
and he goes right in.
1052
01:15:07,920 --> 01:15:09,504
Come on, Bandini.
1053
01:15:17,096 --> 01:15:18,680
Hey, soldier!
1054
01:15:21,267 --> 01:15:24,769
-Me?
-Yeah, you. Where you from?
1055
01:15:24,854 --> 01:15:28,690
-A MASH outfit at the frontline.
-No, l mean your hometown.
1056
01:15:28,774 --> 01:15:30,859
lt's on the East Coast.
1057
01:15:30,943 --> 01:15:33,028
Have you been wounded yet?
1058
01:15:35,781 --> 01:15:38,116
Yeah, a little, a slight...
1059
01:15:38,951 --> 01:15:40,827
Would you like to say hello
to your mother?
1060
01:15:40,912 --> 01:15:43,496
Well, my mother's dead, actually.
She's deceased.
1061
01:15:44,665 --> 01:15:46,082
Well, l'm sorry.
1062
01:15:46,167 --> 01:15:50,378
-l'd like to say hello to my father, if l could.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine, fine.
1063
01:15:52,131 --> 01:15:53,381
Hi, Dad.
1064
01:16:19,200 --> 01:16:23,495
Excuse me. l am making an examination
of this young man
1065
01:16:24,330 --> 01:16:26,915
to find out if he would be
a soldier in our army.
1066
01:16:26,999 --> 01:16:30,627
Oh, yeah, l know. Hi, Ho-Jon.
How's she going, boy?
1067
01:16:30,711 --> 01:16:33,171
His heartbeat is much too fast,
1068
01:16:33,256 --> 01:16:37,050
and his blood pressure
is dangerously high.
1069
01:16:37,134 --> 01:16:38,385
Oh, yeah?
1070
01:16:40,554 --> 01:16:42,973
l guess you probably think
he's unfit for the army, eh?
1071
01:16:43,057 --> 01:16:48,353
Yes, at first. But when l saw on his paper
he worked in an American hospital
1072
01:16:48,437 --> 01:16:52,524
where there are many drugs,
and he could have taken some by mistake.
1073
01:16:52,858 --> 01:16:55,735
-What would he do a thing like that for?
-Who knows?
1074
01:16:55,820 --> 01:16:59,281
To find the truth, l will keep him here
with me for a couple of days.
1075
01:16:59,365 --> 01:17:02,701
By tomorrow, his fast heart
and high blood pressure may be gone.
1076
01:17:02,785 --> 01:17:06,121
-Look...
-So l suggest you say goodbye to him now.
1077
01:17:06,205 --> 01:17:08,665
-Doctor, l've...
-lt was a nice try. lt was a nice try.
1078
01:17:08,749 --> 01:17:10,125
Come on, Ho-Jon.
1079
01:17:14,880 --> 01:17:17,173
Oh, man!
1080
01:17:17,758 --> 01:17:22,012
The following program is brought to you
through Radio Tokyo by courtesy
1081
01:17:22,096 --> 01:17:27,058
of the Veterans of Foreign Wars,
Post Number 63 of Sedalia, Missouri.
1082
01:17:27,143 --> 01:17:29,561
A federal court rules that
E.I. Du Pont De Nemours & Company,
1083
01:17:30,813 --> 01:17:32,605
Remington Arms Company Inc.,
1084
01:17:32,690 --> 01:17:36,109
and the Imperial Chemical Industries
Limited of Great Britain
1085
01:17:36,902 --> 01:17:39,571
have conspired to divide munition...
1086
01:18:04,221 --> 01:18:05,347
Hey!
1087
01:18:06,682 --> 01:18:10,352
ldiot! He knocked me down the hill!
He broke my umbrella!
1088
01:18:13,105 --> 01:18:16,983
l wish they wouldn't land these things here
when we're playing golf.
1089
01:18:20,112 --> 01:18:21,529
-That's him on the right.
-Fore!
1090
01:18:21,614 --> 01:18:23,531
-Wait! Wait!
-Captain...
1091
01:18:23,616 --> 01:18:26,368
The lieutenant's come all the way
from Seoul, sir, just to see you.
1092
01:18:26,452 --> 01:18:29,037
-You're Captain Mclntyre?
-Yes, l'm Captain...
1093
01:18:29,121 --> 01:18:31,539
Lieutenant, you look terrible.
1094
01:18:31,624 --> 01:18:34,042
Captain, look at his eyes.
Let me see your tongue.
1095
01:18:34,126 --> 01:18:37,712
Oh, no, no. Here, take your shirt off
and tell me where it hurts.
1096
01:18:37,797 --> 01:18:41,591
l haven't seen a case like this
since l was in school. Oh, my goodness.
1097
01:18:41,675 --> 01:18:44,677
Listen, Vollmer, tell them
to prepare the major surgery.
1098
01:18:44,762 --> 01:18:47,222
This is one case in five.
l think l can save you, Lieutenant.
1099
01:18:47,306 --> 01:18:49,974
You're to proceed to
Kokura, Japan immediately.
1100
01:18:50,059 --> 01:18:52,394
Kokura, Japan! What's this all about?
1101
01:18:52,478 --> 01:18:54,145
Yeah. His dad's a Congressman.
1102
01:18:54,647 --> 01:18:56,815
Grenade went off in practice.
There's a piece in his heart.
1103
01:18:56,899 --> 01:18:59,442
-What?
-Gl's dad's a Congressman.
1104
01:18:59,527 --> 01:19:01,986
Grenade went off in practice.
Piece in his heart.
1105
01:19:02,071 --> 01:19:04,614
-That the x-rays?
-Yeah.
1106
01:19:05,074 --> 01:19:09,119
Apparently some big heart surgeon
in Boston told the Congressman
1107
01:19:09,203 --> 01:19:14,124
the only man to take care of his son
is Captain John Mclntyre.
1108
01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:19,671
Of course, l suppose there could be
two Captain John Mclntyres.
1109
01:19:19,755 --> 01:19:22,090
No, no, l'm the only John Mclntyre.
1110
01:19:22,174 --> 01:19:25,176
Look, Hammond says l can take along
someone to assist me if l need him.
1111
01:19:25,261 --> 01:19:26,678
-You want to come?
-Yeah.
1112
01:19:28,013 --> 01:19:31,975
Lieutenant, l think l can save you.
Look, take one of these every half-hour.
1113
01:19:32,059 --> 01:19:34,811
Now, get into your helicopter and button
up your shirt, for crying out loud!
1114
01:19:34,895 --> 01:19:37,522
You're in the military army!
1115
01:19:37,606 --> 01:19:40,692
-That piece isn't even close to his heart.
-l know, l know. lt's nothing.
1116
01:19:40,776 --> 01:19:43,987
But, look, how many times do you
get to go to Japan with your golf clubs?
1117
01:19:44,071 --> 01:19:45,363
Come on, Shirley.
1118
01:20:17,730 --> 01:20:30,325
Goddamn army.
1119
01:20:38,626 --> 01:20:40,585
Goddamn army jeep.
1120
01:20:45,299 --> 01:20:46,341
Excuse me, soldier.
1121
01:20:46,425 --> 01:20:48,259
l wonder if you could tell me
where the Congressman's son is?
1122
01:20:48,344 --> 01:20:50,762
-He's in Ward 6.
-Darling, would you register for us?
1123
01:20:50,846 --> 01:20:52,514
-Just a moment!
-Ward 6.
1124
01:20:52,598 --> 01:20:55,517
You can't go in there. Who are you?
1125
01:20:55,601 --> 01:20:57,268
Who am l? l am the pro from Dover,
1126
01:20:57,353 --> 01:20:58,728
-and this is my favorite caddy.
-l don't believe you.
1127
01:20:58,812 --> 01:21:00,522
You can't go in till l call Captain Peterson.
1128
01:21:00,606 --> 01:21:02,524
-We already called Captain Peterson.
-Wait a second.
1129
01:21:02,608 --> 01:21:03,900
lf this soldier wants to enforce
her own orders,
1130
01:21:03,984 --> 01:21:06,819
l'm going to take her on single-handedly.
1131
01:21:07,863 --> 01:21:09,405
-Get away!
-You open this.
1132
01:21:09,490 --> 01:21:11,950
-He's won two Purple Hearts.
-You can't...
1133
01:21:12,034 --> 01:21:14,619
-l'll ravage your body, lady.
-You stay away from me. l'll call the police.
1134
01:21:14,703 --> 01:21:17,580
-You can't come in here! You can't.
-You have not seen such a beast, lady.
1135
01:21:17,665 --> 01:21:20,792
l'm going to call Captain Peterson.
You stay away from me!
1136
01:21:25,839 --> 01:21:27,549
Captain Peterson, please.
1137
01:21:27,633 --> 01:21:29,300
Captain Peterson!
1138
01:21:34,139 --> 01:21:36,015
What are you two hoodlums
doing in this hospital?
1139
01:21:36,100 --> 01:21:38,184
Ma'am, we are surgeons
and we're here to operate.
1140
01:21:38,269 --> 01:21:39,727
We're just waiting for a starting time,
that's all.
1141
01:21:39,812 --> 01:21:41,312
Well, you can't even go near a patient
1142
01:21:41,397 --> 01:21:44,232
until Colonel Merrill says it's okay,
and he's still out to lunch.
1143
01:21:44,316 --> 01:21:46,234
Look, Mother, l want to go to work
in one hour.
1144
01:21:46,318 --> 01:21:49,904
We are the pros from Dover,
and we figure to crack this kid's chest
1145
01:21:49,989 --> 01:21:52,073
and get out to the golf course
before it gets dark.
1146
01:21:52,157 --> 01:21:53,575
So you go find the gas passer,
1147
01:21:53,659 --> 01:21:55,410
and you have him
pre-medicate this patient,
1148
01:21:55,494 --> 01:21:56,953
then bring me the latest pictures on him.
1149
01:21:57,037 --> 01:21:59,414
The ones we saw
must be 48 hours old by now.
1150
01:21:59,498 --> 01:22:02,041
Then call the kitchen
and have them rustle us up some lunch.
1151
01:22:02,126 --> 01:22:03,918
Ham and eggs will be all right.
Steak would be even better.
1152
01:22:04,003 --> 01:22:07,005
And then give me at least one nurse
who knows how to work in close
1153
01:22:07,089 --> 01:22:08,840
without getting her tits in my way.
1154
01:22:10,384 --> 01:22:12,010
Oh, you fool.
1155
01:22:14,597 --> 01:22:17,307
How do you want your steak cooked?
1156
01:22:22,187 --> 01:22:23,396
Towel.
1157
01:22:29,361 --> 01:22:32,447
Say the magic words, you make $1 00.
1158
01:22:35,909 --> 01:22:39,120
All right! l demand an explanation.
1159
01:22:39,204 --> 01:22:41,623
Somebody get that dirty old man
out of this operating theater.
1160
01:22:41,707 --> 01:22:43,333
Dirty old man...
1161
01:22:44,043 --> 01:22:45,418
l'm Colonel Merrill.
1162
01:22:45,502 --> 01:22:49,005
l don't care if you're Jack Armstrong,
the All-American Boy.
1163
01:22:49,089 --> 01:22:53,176
lf this chest gets infected,
l will tell the Congressman who did it.
1164
01:22:53,260 --> 01:22:56,262
-Scissors, please.
-Will you let me have a skin suture?
1165
01:22:56,347 --> 01:22:57,722
Load pickups.
1166
01:22:59,224 --> 01:23:01,684
-Who was that?
-That's Colonel Merrill.
1167
01:23:01,769 --> 01:23:04,562
-This is his little store here.
-Oh, yeah?
1168
01:23:05,397 --> 01:23:06,814
Who are you?
1169
01:23:07,232 --> 01:23:10,902
l'm Dr. Jekyll, actually.
This is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
1170
01:23:13,072 --> 01:23:15,281
Then why don't you save
your rapier-like wit
1171
01:23:15,366 --> 01:23:18,117
for the clam diggers back home, Hawkeye?
1172
01:23:20,871 --> 01:23:22,413
Approximate her.
1173
01:23:22,998 --> 01:23:26,918
Did l ever tell you about my friend,
"Me Lai" Marston?
1174
01:23:27,294 --> 01:23:28,378
Oh, yeah, yeah.
1175
01:23:28,462 --> 01:23:29,796
That friend of yours
who would go around saying,
1176
01:23:29,880 --> 01:23:33,841
"Me lay, you lay" to all the girls,
and, what, he'd score once out of 50 times.
1177
01:23:33,926 --> 01:23:35,593
Yeah, you told me about him.
1178
01:23:36,428 --> 01:23:38,846
He's passing gas
for the Congressman's son here.
1179
01:23:38,931 --> 01:23:42,016
Really? When he's not passing gas,
does he play golf?
1180
01:23:42,101 --> 01:23:43,601
l don't know.
1181
01:23:43,936 --> 01:23:46,854
-Do you play golf?
-No. l have no time for golf.
1182
01:23:46,939 --> 01:23:51,192
l'm moonlighting down at Dr. Yamachi's
New Era Hospital and Whorehouse.
1183
01:23:51,610 --> 01:23:53,194
This old guy that l met
when l first came over here,
1184
01:23:53,278 --> 01:23:55,238
he's got a little crude hospital for kids
1185
01:23:55,322 --> 01:23:58,241
and he finances it with a whorehouse,
all in the same building.
1186
01:23:58,617 --> 01:24:02,328
lt's the NEHWH. Come on down,
and we'll get something going for you.
1187
01:24:02,413 --> 01:24:05,581
-l've got an in, in Kokura!
-Here, soldier, take these,
1188
01:24:05,666 --> 01:24:07,458
and take our golf carts, and... Be careful.
1189
01:24:07,543 --> 01:24:09,794
Don't drop any of those things
'cause we're going to play golf later.
1190
01:24:09,878 --> 01:24:11,379
-lt's important.
-Goodbye, pimp.
1191
01:24:12,589 --> 01:24:14,257
-Ladies.
-Girls.
1192
01:24:14,341 --> 01:24:16,801
Gentlemen. Be careful with that...
1193
01:24:17,761 --> 01:24:19,470
Military police.
1194
01:24:37,906 --> 01:24:41,325
All right, fellas, the game's over.
1195
01:24:43,245 --> 01:24:45,663
Finally caught up with us, huh?
1196
01:24:47,332 --> 01:24:49,167
Where did we fail?
1197
01:24:49,251 --> 01:24:51,210
l don't know. l think it was the woman.
1198
01:24:51,336 --> 01:24:54,172
Something tells me
l've seen her some place before.
1199
01:24:54,882 --> 01:24:57,008
She was the one in Tangiers.
1200
01:24:57,885 --> 01:25:02,180
You can wait in the colonel's office.
He'll be back in a few minutes.
1201
01:25:12,274 --> 01:25:14,025
We don't blame you.
1202
01:25:17,404 --> 01:25:18,863
You're only doing yourjob.
1203
01:25:19,031 --> 01:25:23,201
United Press International, today,
voted the Korean War
1204
01:25:23,285 --> 01:25:27,288
-the top news story of 1951 .
-We're in the middle of putting.
1205
01:25:28,123 --> 01:25:29,332
My God.
1206
01:25:31,376 --> 01:25:33,920
All right. You men are under arrest.
1207
01:25:34,963 --> 01:25:38,049
-l'll have you court-martialed.
-Come off it, Colonel.
1208
01:25:38,133 --> 01:25:40,718
You won't have us. We have you.
1209
01:25:40,803 --> 01:25:45,223
Your boys blew this case
and we bailed you out.
1210
01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:48,601
Now we are going to stay here
for one more day
1211
01:25:48,685 --> 01:25:51,479
and check out the Congressman's kid
1212
01:25:51,563 --> 01:25:55,274
and get in some golf for ourselves.
1213
01:25:56,068 --> 01:25:58,986
lf that's okay with you, then we got a deal.
1214
01:25:59,488 --> 01:26:02,156
And if it isn't,
then we can always call Washington
1215
01:26:02,241 --> 01:26:04,951
and you tell them your story
and we'll tell them ours.
1216
01:26:05,035 --> 01:26:06,327
lt's as simple as that.
1217
01:26:06,411 --> 01:26:08,996
ln the meantime,
we are going to be at the pro shop,
1218
01:26:09,081 --> 01:26:11,374
where we are going to have
a shower and a shave.
1219
01:26:11,458 --> 01:26:15,336
lf you want to get in touch with us,
that is where we will be.
1220
01:26:20,634 --> 01:26:22,969
ls that a client? Excuse me.
1221
01:26:32,062 --> 01:26:34,772
-l've got sinus, too.
-Put some of that in that one.
1222
01:26:34,857 --> 01:26:36,899
-Put it in a plate.
-How about sake?
1223
01:26:40,112 --> 01:26:41,445
Excuse me.
1224
01:26:43,031 --> 01:26:45,116
That really looks terrible.
1225
01:26:49,246 --> 01:26:51,163
-Okay.
-You try one.
1226
01:26:52,541 --> 01:26:54,625
-Good?
-lt's terrible.
1227
01:27:00,132 --> 01:27:03,342
Listen, l hate to do this to you, fellas,
1228
01:27:03,427 --> 01:27:06,304
but do you think you could take a minute
and look at a kid for me?
1229
01:27:06,388 --> 01:27:07,889
-Now?
-A kid?
1230
01:27:07,973 --> 01:27:09,724
Yeah.
We had a little carelessness around here,
1231
01:27:09,808 --> 01:27:11,934
and the other day,
one of our girls presented us
1232
01:27:12,019 --> 01:27:14,812
with an eight pound
American-Japanese boy.
1233
01:27:17,482 --> 01:27:19,483
Whatever we feed him,
it either comes right back up,
1234
01:27:19,568 --> 01:27:22,695
or he coughs and he turns blue.
He just has a hell of a time.
1235
01:27:22,779 --> 01:27:25,239
We don't have to see him.
Just call that half-assed army hospital
1236
01:27:25,324 --> 01:27:27,617
and tell them to get some Lipiodol
ready for his stomach,
1237
01:27:27,701 --> 01:27:29,285
and we'll go over and take some x-rays.
1238
01:27:29,369 --> 01:27:31,245
We can't get near that place.
1239
01:27:31,330 --> 01:27:34,081
You know, with a civilian,
the colonel has a big thing about it,
1240
01:27:34,166 --> 01:27:35,666
especially a native,
as he likes to call them.
1241
01:27:35,751 --> 01:27:37,209
Then don't tell him
any more than necessary.
1242
01:27:37,294 --> 01:27:39,879
Tell him the pros from Dover
are on their way with an emergency.
1243
01:27:39,963 --> 01:27:42,423
Tell him to get the OR ready,
get the kid asleep
1244
01:27:42,507 --> 01:27:45,676
and Trapper and l'll fix
his tracheoesophageal fistula.
1245
01:27:48,388 --> 01:27:50,932
Okay, Me Lai, put him down in here.
1246
01:27:51,016 --> 01:27:53,601
Get him to sleep
as quick as you can, will you?
1247
01:27:53,685 --> 01:27:56,103
-Where did this baby come from?
-Watch him.
1248
01:27:56,188 --> 01:27:58,564
-ls this what you got us up for?
-Yeah. That's what we got you up for.
1249
01:27:58,649 --> 01:28:00,024
Now, come on. Look, we stumbled on him.
1250
01:28:00,108 --> 01:28:02,944
We don't want him, but we don't feel
we can back away from him.
1251
01:28:03,028 --> 01:28:05,446
All right.
This time, l will not be intimidated.
1252
01:28:05,530 --> 01:28:07,239
l command that this
illegal and improper use
1253
01:28:07,324 --> 01:28:09,492
of army facilities cease immediately!
1254
01:28:09,576 --> 01:28:12,662
On this point, l stand as firm
as the Rock of Gibraltar.
1255
01:28:12,746 --> 01:28:14,622
And furthermore... You can't do...
1256
01:28:21,838 --> 01:28:23,464
This one is for West Point.
1257
01:28:23,548 --> 01:28:25,883
What the Sam Hill's going on here?
1258
01:28:25,968 --> 01:28:30,054
That's what they all say.
What a filthy, disgusting, despicable...
1259
01:28:31,431 --> 01:28:35,142
There's no competition to the Painless
Pole, but it's pretty healthy, l think.
1260
01:28:35,227 --> 01:28:37,687
You know, Colonel,
we caught you with your pants down.
1261
01:28:37,771 --> 01:28:40,856
-The men that are fighting...
-The men are fighting on our frontline!
1262
01:28:42,651 --> 01:28:44,443
Attention! Attention!
1263
01:28:44,736 --> 01:28:48,406
Colonel Blake has secured for us
the Halls of Montezuma,
1264
01:28:48,907 --> 01:28:52,410
so big only the biggest of the screen
can bring it to you all.
1265
01:28:52,494 --> 01:28:56,789
Technicolor's. "Tell it to the Marines,
those lovable lugs with wonderful mugs,
1266
01:28:56,873 --> 01:28:58,874
"who we now love more than ever.
1267
01:28:58,959 --> 01:29:02,086
"Tell them they're still
the greatest guys in the world."
1268
01:29:02,170 --> 01:29:05,423
Follow Lieutenant, Punchy,
Limey, Baby-Face, Doc,
1269
01:29:05,507 --> 01:29:07,341
the Poet, Pretty Boy and Slattery
1270
01:29:07,426 --> 01:29:11,637
through some of the most
interesting war films yet created.
1271
01:29:13,849 --> 01:29:15,766
Due to a possible camp infection,
1272
01:29:15,851 --> 01:29:19,603
Arlene Chu's Hollywood Grill
is now off limits. That is all.
1273
01:29:19,771 --> 01:29:23,816
-Could l have some longer needles?
-Get this sponge out of the way.
1274
01:29:27,112 --> 01:29:29,447
Cut down on the back, will you?
Hey, Dago.
1275
01:29:29,781 --> 01:29:34,618
-Hi. Did you have a nice time in Japan?
-Yeah, l screwed a kabuki dancer.
1276
01:29:37,247 --> 01:29:39,540
-Let me have the long-fingers.
-lt's okay for a while.
1277
01:29:39,624 --> 01:29:42,334
-Yeah, but l can't stop this bleeding.
-Okay.
1278
01:29:42,419 --> 01:29:44,170
Keeping the blood internal.
1279
01:29:44,254 --> 01:29:47,298
-How's the intake, Painless?
-Normal.
1280
01:29:47,382 --> 01:29:48,549
Clamps down there.
1281
01:29:48,633 --> 01:29:52,928
-l'm here if you need me, Henry.
-l can't talk to you now, padre.
1282
01:29:53,013 --> 01:29:55,890
No, l mean, he's going to be all right,
isn't he?
1283
01:29:55,974 --> 01:29:58,559
-He's going to be fine.
-Good.
1284
01:29:58,643 --> 01:30:00,853
Does anybody else need help?
1285
01:30:02,606 --> 01:30:03,647
Ask around.
1286
01:30:09,112 --> 01:30:11,489
What's he got the flaps down for?
1287
01:30:15,702 --> 01:30:19,413
-Duke. Come on, Duke. Open up.
-What? No, l don't want any.
1288
01:30:19,498 --> 01:30:21,749
Hey, Duke. Come on. Open up, man.
1289
01:30:21,833 --> 01:30:23,334
Who is it?
1290
01:30:29,007 --> 01:30:30,341
What the hell you doing back here?
1291
01:30:30,425 --> 01:30:32,843
Come on. We've been working for hours.
Will you open up?
1292
01:30:32,928 --> 01:30:35,554
Wait a minute. l'll be right with you.
1293
01:30:45,482 --> 01:30:47,691
-Hi, Hot Lips.
-You miss us?
1294
01:30:51,279 --> 01:30:53,072
-Shame, shame on you
-Shame, shame on you
1295
01:30:56,034 --> 01:30:57,034
Well...
1296
01:31:01,373 --> 01:31:02,998
-Radar.
-Yes, sir.
1297
01:31:04,793 --> 01:31:06,460
Hold this, please.
1298
01:31:11,007 --> 01:31:11,966
Colonel Blake.
1299
01:31:12,050 --> 01:31:14,677
Henry? Yeah. Charlie here. Yeah.
1300
01:31:14,761 --> 01:31:16,554
l've got news for you.
1301
01:31:16,638 --> 01:31:19,431
You were so concerned
about the battle for Old Baldy.
1302
01:31:19,808 --> 01:31:23,727
-Well, it's all over.
-That's great news, General. Who won?
1303
01:31:24,187 --> 01:31:30,568
By the way, l have a report here, Henry,
from your chief nurse Major O'Houlihan.
1304
01:31:31,111 --> 01:31:35,156
She makes some accusations, Henry,
I find pretty hard to believe.
1305
01:31:35,240 --> 01:31:38,117
Don't believe them, then.
Thank you, General. Goodbye.
1306
01:31:38,201 --> 01:31:39,451
Yeah... What?
1307
01:31:39,911 --> 01:31:42,580
-Thank you, Radar.
-You're welcome, sir.
1308
01:31:44,875 --> 01:31:50,171
Attention. Attention. Friday night's movie
wiII be The Glory Brigade.
1309
01:31:50,255 --> 01:31:53,048
Rock 'em, sock 'em, kisses you never got.
1310
01:31:53,592 --> 01:31:58,304
It's Uncle Sam's combat engineers
charging side by side with Greeks, Anzacs,
1311
01:31:58,805 --> 01:32:02,850
showing the world a new way to fight,
as they use bulldozers like bazookas,
1312
01:32:02,934 --> 01:32:05,686
bayonets like bazookas... Bullets.
1313
01:32:06,062 --> 01:32:08,647
Starring Victor Mature. That is all.
1314
01:32:09,191 --> 01:32:10,774
l'll be with Colonel Blake.
1315
01:32:11,610 --> 01:32:14,069
Check this place out.
See what the nurses are like, huh?
1316
01:32:14,154 --> 01:32:15,613
Right, sir.
1317
01:32:17,032 --> 01:32:19,909
-4077th Mobile Army Surgical...
-Yeah, yeah.
1318
01:32:19,993 --> 01:32:22,786
-Sir, do you know where...
-Yes, l know where he is.
1319
01:32:22,871 --> 01:32:25,748
All right.
1320
01:32:27,375 --> 01:32:29,418
-Thank you.
-Look, Charlie,
1321
01:32:29,961 --> 01:32:31,253
you can't blame Henry
1322
01:32:31,338 --> 01:32:34,548
because Hot Lips Houlihan
can't stand her name.
1323
01:32:34,966 --> 01:32:37,551
You know, she's just a lady, though.
What the hell?
1324
01:32:37,636 --> 01:32:39,637
Come on, for crying out loud.
1325
01:32:39,721 --> 01:32:42,223
She's regular army.
She's a fanatic about ritual.
1326
01:32:42,307 --> 01:32:44,934
She won't even let us play football.
1327
01:32:45,018 --> 01:32:48,103
-Football?
-Gentlemen. She's all lined up, Charlie.
1328
01:32:48,188 --> 01:32:51,273
Yeah. l didn't know
you had a football team.
1329
01:32:51,358 --> 01:32:53,859
lt's pretty much in the planning stage.
1330
01:32:53,944 --> 01:32:56,237
No, no, we have a very fine football team.
1331
01:32:56,321 --> 01:33:00,950
Yeah? Well, we had a team
back with the 325th Evac last year.
1332
01:33:01,034 --> 01:33:04,787
-And what a team that was.
-Yeah. l coached the boys myself.
1333
01:33:05,914 --> 01:33:08,832
-He's the finest coach in the Far East.
-Yeah.
1334
01:33:08,917 --> 01:33:11,252
We're now trying to work out
a schedule of the outfits
1335
01:33:11,336 --> 01:33:12,962
that we're going to play this year.
1336
01:33:13,046 --> 01:33:17,424
Of course, we, you know, throw
a little money into a pot and make bets.
1337
01:33:17,842 --> 01:33:21,262
How much money
do you put into your pot?
1338
01:33:21,346 --> 01:33:24,848
-$5,000, $6,000.
-$5,000!
1339
01:33:25,392 --> 01:33:28,602
Look, you know, l don't think we're
in the sort of league that you're in.
1340
01:33:28,687 --> 01:33:32,398
Well, l'm sure we can find a date
when we can play your team.
1341
01:33:32,482 --> 01:33:36,610
-lt can be arranged.
-Yeah. l think l'll talk this over with Henry.
1342
01:33:36,695 --> 01:33:38,696
Thanks, boys. Thanks for the drink.
1343
01:33:38,780 --> 01:33:41,657
-Thank you.
-What the hell you...
1344
01:33:41,741 --> 01:33:45,077
Sir, ever since the dark days
before Pearl Harbor,
1345
01:33:45,161 --> 01:33:46,870
l've been proud to wear this uniform.
1346
01:33:46,955 --> 01:33:48,914
-What the hell is this?
-A helicopter.
1347
01:33:48,999 --> 01:33:52,293
Hawkeye, that man has five times
the manpower to draw on than we do.
1348
01:33:52,377 --> 01:33:55,504
Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right?
1349
01:33:55,588 --> 01:34:00,426
We get Henry to apply, make a specific
application for a neurosurgeon.
1350
01:34:00,510 --> 01:34:04,096
He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
1351
01:34:04,180 --> 01:34:08,809
-Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones?
-He's... Who is Oliver Harmon Jones?
1352
01:34:08,893 --> 01:34:12,396
He is better known as Spearchucker Jones.
1353
01:34:13,523 --> 01:34:15,149
-He's a good ballplayer.
-Yes!
1354
01:34:15,233 --> 01:34:17,693
He's a negro boy,
played with the 49ers, didn't he?
1355
01:34:17,777 --> 01:34:18,902
-Sure.
-Yeah. Sure, l remember.
1356
01:34:18,987 --> 01:34:20,029
He's good. He's good.
1357
01:34:20,405 --> 01:34:22,656
Henry, if we had closer relations,
1358
01:34:22,741 --> 01:34:25,659
we wouldn't have
this misunderstanding, right?
1359
01:34:25,744 --> 01:34:30,122
Now, that's where a football game
would help between your outfit and mine.
1360
01:34:30,206 --> 01:34:31,165
-A football game?
-Yeah, yeah.
1361
01:34:31,249 --> 01:34:35,252
We put up a few bets,
$5,000 maybe, and have a little fun.
1362
01:34:35,670 --> 01:34:39,006
Special Services in Tokyo says
it's one of the best gimmicks we've got
1363
01:34:39,090 --> 01:34:41,675
to keep the American way of life
going here in Asia.
1364
01:34:41,760 --> 01:34:44,094
-Betting?
-No. Football.
1365
01:34:44,679 --> 01:34:46,347
But what about Major O'Houlihan?
1366
01:34:46,431 --> 01:34:49,099
You mean Hot Lips? Screw her.
1367
01:34:49,184 --> 01:34:50,517
-Gee, l don't know...
-lt's a helicopter, General.
1368
01:34:50,602 --> 01:34:52,811
l know it's a helicopter.
1369
01:34:52,896 --> 01:34:54,897
You know what?
You guys have one problem.
1370
01:34:54,981 --> 01:34:56,357
l just wondered about the social problem,
you know.
1371
01:34:56,441 --> 01:35:00,444
l mean, he's the only Negro officer
in the whole camp, you know.
1372
01:35:00,945 --> 01:35:04,656
We got a problem, then
we'll stick him in here with us, baby boy.
1373
01:35:06,201 --> 01:35:09,453
-You're serious, ain't you? You'd do that.
-Sure, l'm serious. Yeah.
1374
01:35:10,622 --> 01:35:13,374
lt's enough for me to have to put up
with you two Yankees,
1375
01:35:13,458 --> 01:35:15,626
but l'm, you know, that's...
1376
01:35:18,463 --> 01:35:22,257
Because of his wife, was that why?
Or was it a religious problem?
1377
01:35:22,342 --> 01:35:24,968
-lt was a conditioning problem.
-Why do they call you Spearchucker?
1378
01:35:25,053 --> 01:35:27,179
l used to throw the javelin.
1379
01:35:33,812 --> 01:35:37,022
All right, men, we're not here
to sell lemonade. We're here to practice.
1380
01:35:37,107 --> 01:35:40,025
But first l'd like to
officially welcome Spearchucker.
1381
01:35:40,110 --> 01:35:42,236
-ls it all right to call you that?
-Call me whatever you want to.
1382
01:35:42,320 --> 01:35:44,780
Good. Well, l just want you to know
that we're all the same here
1383
01:35:44,864 --> 01:35:47,783
on the playing field, officers and men alike.
1384
01:35:47,867 --> 01:35:51,578
Now, we're going to begin
with the three basic principles.
1385
01:35:51,663 --> 01:35:54,706
Organization, discipline and teamwork.
1386
01:35:54,791 --> 01:35:55,833
-Now...
-Pardon me.
1387
01:35:55,917 --> 01:35:59,420
-Do you mind if we limber up first?
-That's a good idea. You organize that.
1388
01:36:02,048 --> 01:36:06,468
Move that line, hey! Hold that line, hey!
1389
01:36:06,553 --> 01:36:10,681
All right, Seidman, keep on
pushing that... Whatever you call it.
1390
01:36:10,765 --> 01:36:14,893
That's good. All right, Hot Lips,
keep their arms and limbs moving there.
1391
01:36:17,313 --> 01:36:21,400
Radar, you're a coach.
You're not a corporal. You're a coach,
1392
01:36:21,484 --> 01:36:23,152
so keep them going through there.
1393
01:36:23,570 --> 01:36:24,736
Good, Hot Lips.
1394
01:36:25,530 --> 01:36:27,614
All right, Seidman, give them five.
1395
01:36:27,699 --> 01:36:29,616
All right, men, take five.
1396
01:36:29,701 --> 01:36:31,285
Spearchucker.
1397
01:36:36,207 --> 01:36:38,208
Well, we look pretty lousy, don't we?
1398
01:36:38,293 --> 01:36:40,252
Well, for college players
that have been out of training
1399
01:36:40,336 --> 01:36:42,379
for seven or eight years,
yeah, you look pretty lousy.
1400
01:36:42,464 --> 01:36:44,631
Listen, l got an idea
how we can make some money.
1401
01:36:44,716 --> 01:36:46,216
We leave him out
of the first half of the game.
1402
01:36:46,301 --> 01:36:49,803
We bet half our money.
They roll up some points, okay?
1403
01:36:49,888 --> 01:36:52,473
Second half of the game, we stick him in.
We get odds from them.
1404
01:36:52,557 --> 01:36:54,766
We bet the other half of the money.
We clean up.
1405
01:36:54,851 --> 01:36:57,644
-That's very good thinking, Captain.
-Yeah. lt sounds good to me.
1406
01:36:57,729 --> 01:37:01,148
And l had another idea.
l think we should have some plays.
1407
01:37:01,232 --> 01:37:04,067
You know, usually in football,
you have some organized plays.
1408
01:37:04,152 --> 01:37:07,571
-Well, if you don't mind, l took the liberty.
-You have.
1409
01:37:07,655 --> 01:37:10,324
-l drew up about seven or eight plays.
-These are good.
1410
01:37:10,408 --> 01:37:12,242
l think that's about all
this bunch can handle.
1411
01:37:12,327 --> 01:37:16,079
Very good. Yes. Very, very good.
1412
01:37:17,624 --> 01:37:18,790
What are these little arrows?
1413
01:37:56,621 --> 01:37:58,413
-Right into his hands.
-Right on!
1414
01:38:15,265 --> 01:38:18,058
-Well, it's only six points.
-Six points.
1415
01:38:25,817 --> 01:38:27,401
-Well, it's only one point.
-One point!
1416
01:38:27,485 --> 01:38:29,903
Who's that number one? That man
runs like a rabbit. We can't stop him.
1417
01:38:29,988 --> 01:38:31,989
Yeah. l remember him from the pros.
They call him Super Bug.
1418
01:38:32,073 --> 01:38:33,574
He had one year with the Rams
before the army got him.
1419
01:38:33,658 --> 01:38:36,702
-We can't do anything with him in there.
-Hey, listen. You got to come in now.
1420
01:38:36,786 --> 01:38:37,869
-We can't wait till the second half.
-No, no.
1421
01:38:37,954 --> 01:38:39,079
We got to stick to our strategy,
1422
01:38:39,163 --> 01:38:41,582
but the first thing you guys have to do
is get him out of the ballgame.
1423
01:38:41,666 --> 01:38:43,417
Hey, Davidson! Here.
1424
01:38:44,043 --> 01:38:48,130
Let's ease up just a little bit.
We don't want the score too lopsided.
1425
01:38:54,679 --> 01:38:56,179
He caught it!
1426
01:38:58,683 --> 01:39:00,601
-Get him!
-Get him!
1427
01:39:05,857 --> 01:39:07,190
-Go get him!
-Go get him!
1428
01:39:09,694 --> 01:39:10,819
Who's he giving it to?
1429
01:39:10,903 --> 01:39:14,740
-lsn't that Corporal Judson with the ball?
-Judson's a lineman. Judson can't run!
1430
01:39:14,824 --> 01:39:16,575
He's loose. He's loose.
1431
01:39:21,080 --> 01:39:24,291
For crying out loud, Judson,
what're you doing?
1432
01:39:24,375 --> 01:39:26,793
-Duke, you threw me that damn ball.
-Come on, let's get in a huddle.
1433
01:39:26,878 --> 01:39:28,629
What the hell?
You had the whole field open!
1434
01:39:28,713 --> 01:39:30,297
Why'd you go and fall down for?
1435
01:39:30,381 --> 01:39:32,215
l'm no goddamn runner. l'm a lineman.
1436
01:39:35,053 --> 01:39:37,429
We're going to really clean up today.
1437
01:39:37,513 --> 01:39:39,181
Hut one, hut two!
1438
01:39:49,359 --> 01:39:52,694
-lt's only two points.
-Two points.
1439
01:39:52,779 --> 01:39:55,155
What the hell you think you are,
a cannon?
1440
01:39:55,239 --> 01:39:56,531
What kind of a snap was that?
1441
01:39:56,616 --> 01:39:59,618
We got a lot of money on this game.
This is embarrassing, man.
1442
01:39:59,702 --> 01:40:02,913
-Oh, go, we want some dough!
-Oh, go, we want some dough!
1443
01:40:08,378 --> 01:40:10,212
-Let's go!
-Let's go!
1444
01:40:12,048 --> 01:40:14,675
-What happens now?
-We get a free kick.
1445
01:40:14,759 --> 01:40:17,177
A free kick! Girls!
1446
01:40:17,261 --> 01:40:20,430
-Hit that ball! Kick that ball!
-Hit that ball! Kick that ball!
1447
01:40:46,791 --> 01:40:49,918
-Another six points.
-Another six points.
1448
01:40:53,548 --> 01:40:56,133
Look, look, he's hurt.
1449
01:40:56,217 --> 01:40:58,218
He's leaving the game!
1450
01:40:58,302 --> 01:41:05,892
He's hurt! He's hurt!
He's leaving the game! He's hurt!
1451
01:41:05,977 --> 01:41:08,311
What the hell's the matter with you?
Smith!
1452
01:41:08,396 --> 01:41:12,733
-Goddamn bastards pulled something.
-Hey, Coach, did l break my 9 in 400?
1453
01:41:12,817 --> 01:41:15,694
400! This is not a track meet.
This is a football game.
1454
01:41:15,778 --> 01:41:17,904
What the hell do you think l pay you for?
1455
01:41:17,989 --> 01:41:20,240
Get him up. Walk him around.
Do something.
1456
01:41:20,324 --> 01:41:25,162
-l think l'll run the 440.
-440! This is a football game, God damn it!
1457
01:41:32,044 --> 01:41:34,671
All right, you guys,
get in there and kill them!
1458
01:41:46,976 --> 01:41:48,852
All right, bub, your fucking head
is coming right off.
1459
01:41:59,822 --> 01:42:02,199
-l'm ready, Coach. Ready, Coach.
-Ready for what?
1460
01:42:02,283 --> 01:42:06,119
-l'm in the broad jump, Coach.
-Get him back on the bench. Broad jump!
1461
01:42:06,204 --> 01:42:09,456
-Still 1 6-0.
-1 6-0.
1462
01:42:09,540 --> 01:42:12,918
Well, that's not bad. 1 6-0 in the first half.
1463
01:42:13,002 --> 01:42:15,337
l guess l have to give them
the old Knute Rockne at half-time.
1464
01:42:15,421 --> 01:42:17,464
-About time for the gun.
-Right.
1465
01:42:22,053 --> 01:42:23,887
Hurts like a mother,
but how are we gonna score...
1466
01:42:23,971 --> 01:42:28,266
Men, ever since the dark days
before Pearl Harbor,
1467
01:42:28,351 --> 01:42:30,560
-l've been proud to wear this uniform.
-Boone, you got a towel?
1468
01:42:30,645 --> 01:42:33,063
-Henry, have you pressed the bets yet?
-Today we are wearing...
1469
01:42:33,147 --> 01:42:34,815
Henry, have you pressed
the bets yet, babe?
1470
01:42:34,899 --> 01:42:36,691
-The bets, the bets!
-Henry, press the bets, man.
1471
01:42:37,068 --> 01:42:38,610
Finish, finish the half-time speech.
1472
01:42:39,612 --> 01:42:42,781
Hit them with a mortar!
Kick them off the hill!
1473
01:42:42,865 --> 01:42:46,201
-Mash them! Smash them! Kill! Kill! Kill!
-Mash them! Smash them! Kill! Kill! Kill!
1474
01:42:46,285 --> 01:42:50,080
Hot Lips! There's a time
and a place for everything, damn it!
1475
01:42:51,207 --> 01:42:53,834
-Right. Bo-bo.
-Bo! Bo!
1476
01:42:53,918 --> 01:42:56,294
Come on, Smitty. Come on, boy.
1477
01:42:58,548 --> 01:43:00,173
-What's the matter with him?
-What's the matter with him?
1478
01:43:00,258 --> 01:43:03,260
Hell, you ought to know.
You guys pulled something out there.
1479
01:43:03,344 --> 01:43:05,178
Well, l guess you don't
want to double the bet.
1480
01:43:05,263 --> 01:43:06,805
The hell l don't.
1481
01:43:06,889 --> 01:43:09,558
We were beating you without him,
and we'll go on beating you.
1482
01:43:09,642 --> 01:43:11,184
Are you prepared
to back that up with odds?
1483
01:43:11,269 --> 01:43:14,062
Damn right. Three to one. Double the bet.
1484
01:43:27,451 --> 01:43:29,369
Who's that 24? Who is he?
1485
01:43:32,290 --> 01:43:34,040
Stop him! Stop him!
1486
01:43:35,126 --> 01:43:39,796
Stop him! Stop him! Who is that guy?
He wasn't in the game in the first half.
1487
01:43:39,881 --> 01:43:41,298
Stop him!
1488
01:43:51,392 --> 01:43:53,894
-That's Spearchucker Jones.
-Spearchucker who?
1489
01:43:53,978 --> 01:43:56,062
He played with San Francisco
before he got drafted.
1490
01:43:56,147 --> 01:43:58,106
Boy, he's going to be tough to stop, too.
1491
01:43:58,816 --> 01:44:00,901
Henry, you brought in a ringer, did you?
1492
01:44:00,985 --> 01:44:05,947
-Radar, what's the general trying to say?
-Didn't bring him in the first half, did you?
1493
01:44:06,032 --> 01:44:10,285
He's just been informed
as to the identity of our Spearchucker.
1494
01:44:10,369 --> 01:44:12,287
His ringer's spotted our ringer.
1495
01:44:12,371 --> 01:44:15,165
How do you like them apples, Charlie?
1496
01:44:15,249 --> 01:44:19,502
-You can't trust anybody.
-Now watch him make the extra point.
1497
01:44:25,676 --> 01:44:26,968
lsn't that illegal?
1498
01:45:12,390 --> 01:45:16,977
What kind of team is it?
They're falling all around like dead flies!
1499
01:45:26,028 --> 01:45:30,699
-Look! A red flag! We've got a red flag!
-Hot Lips!
1500
01:45:32,910 --> 01:45:34,411
lt's a penalty, you blithering idiots.
1501
01:45:42,128 --> 01:45:46,339
Judson, get off of him.
You'll be thrown out of the game.
1502
01:45:46,424 --> 01:45:48,466
Judson, kill him!
1503
01:45:55,349 --> 01:45:59,185
What's wrong with you, huh?
We're here to play football, not fight!
1504
01:46:02,064 --> 01:46:05,817
-Bastard 88 called me a coon.
-Called you a what?
1505
01:46:07,111 --> 01:46:08,361
Coon.
1506
01:46:09,363 --> 01:46:12,657
Okay, that's an old pro trick
to get you thrown out of the ballgame.
1507
01:46:13,242 --> 01:46:15,201
Why don't you do the same thing to him?
1508
01:46:15,286 --> 01:46:16,870
What, call him a coon?
1509
01:46:16,954 --> 01:46:19,164
No, no, the boys in camp
used to talk about his sister.
1510
01:46:19,248 --> 01:46:21,332
Her name was Gladys. Use it!
1511
01:46:23,169 --> 01:46:25,378
-Yeah.
-All right, all right.
1512
01:46:43,981 --> 01:46:46,649
What the hell are you doing,
for God's sake?
1513
01:46:47,401 --> 01:46:48,818
What's the matter here?
1514
01:46:49,695 --> 01:46:51,112
They're taking him out.
1515
01:46:58,704 --> 01:47:03,666
-69 is divine! 69 is divine!
-69 is divine! 69 is divine!
1516
01:47:03,751 --> 01:47:08,463
There you go, Charlie.
Another side of beef for your butcher shop.
1517
01:47:08,547 --> 01:47:12,383
Let's get the ball and really go!
Hey, hey! Ho, ho!
1518
01:47:12,468 --> 01:47:15,595
-Who's the brunette? She a new one?
-Yeah, l just had her shipped in.
1519
01:47:15,679 --> 01:47:18,848
Yeah. Not bad.
Kill them! Kill them, God damn it!
1520
01:47:23,437 --> 01:47:25,772
My God! They've shot him!
1521
01:47:25,856 --> 01:47:29,651
Hot Lips, you incredible nincompoop.
lt's the end of the quarter.
1522
01:47:29,735 --> 01:47:33,404
What did l make you a major for?
For a team like that?
1523
01:47:33,489 --> 01:47:34,656
l did the best l could, Charlie.
1524
01:47:34,740 --> 01:47:36,199
l didn't know
they were going to bring in a ringer.
1525
01:47:36,283 --> 01:47:37,575
l ought to put you in there
and let them kill you,
1526
01:47:37,660 --> 01:47:38,701
is what l ought to do.
1527
01:47:38,786 --> 01:47:40,328
What about my knee, Charlie?
Remember my knee.
1528
01:47:40,412 --> 01:47:44,082
You better get on your goddamn knee
and start praying. Trick knee, my ass.
1529
01:48:16,365 --> 01:48:17,824
My God!
1530
01:48:28,252 --> 01:48:29,919
-How's that?
-Did you see that?
1531
01:48:30,004 --> 01:48:33,214
Get the hell back there. Get back there.
1532
01:48:57,031 --> 01:49:00,491
Well, looks like we may make it.
Seconds to go.
1533
01:49:00,576 --> 01:49:02,744
Okay, fellas,
we don't have very much time left.
1534
01:49:02,828 --> 01:49:03,953
Now, l just checked with the ref.
1535
01:49:04,038 --> 01:49:06,873
l got a special play l want to run with,
a center eligible play.
1536
01:49:06,957 --> 01:49:10,376
We line up with everybody to the right
of the center except Hawkeye,
1537
01:49:10,461 --> 01:49:13,379
who drops back one yard
just before the snap of the ball.
1538
01:49:13,464 --> 01:49:14,881
Now, that makes you the semi-eligible,
1539
01:49:14,965 --> 01:49:18,551
but all you have to do is take the ball
right back from Trapper between your legs
1540
01:49:18,636 --> 01:49:23,556
and hide it under your belly
and walk toward their goal. All right?
1541
01:49:23,641 --> 01:49:24,766
Trapper.
1542
01:49:26,185 --> 01:49:27,185
We got it.
1543
01:49:27,311 --> 01:49:30,897
All right. This is only one time. $5,000.
1544
01:49:30,981 --> 01:49:32,732
-Worth a try.
-lt'd be a miracle.
1545
01:49:32,816 --> 01:49:33,816
l'm short one.
1546
01:49:33,901 --> 01:49:35,610
-What do you say? What do you say?
-Let's do it now!
1547
01:49:35,694 --> 01:49:36,819
Ready, Hawk?
1548
01:49:36,904 --> 01:49:37,904
Ready!
1549
01:49:39,615 --> 01:49:40,657
Set!
1550
01:49:53,712 --> 01:49:56,422
-What are you doing? Get back!
-l got the ball!
1551
01:49:56,507 --> 01:49:57,715
Run with it!
1552
01:51:28,140 --> 01:51:30,183
-Two dollars.
-Two dollars.
1553
01:51:34,104 --> 01:51:35,605
Four dollars.
1554
01:51:36,607 --> 01:51:38,816
Out. l fold.
1555
01:51:39,068 --> 01:51:41,694
Raise you two more. You raise his two?
1556
01:51:43,530 --> 01:51:44,947
Raise you another two.
1557
01:51:46,033 --> 01:51:49,035
-l have an Oklahoma.
-Oh, God!
1558
01:51:52,456 --> 01:51:54,207
-What is that?
-Oklahoma. lt's a pair of eights,
1559
01:51:54,291 --> 01:51:56,626
-a ten of spades, a deuce, and a five.
-You win!
1560
01:51:56,710 --> 01:51:58,544
What are you talking about?
What do you have?
1561
01:51:58,629 --> 01:51:59,796
Tokyo.
1562
01:52:00,297 --> 01:52:03,633
The United States Armed Forces
Radio is on the air.
1563
01:52:37,167 --> 01:52:39,168
Duke? You busy?
1564
01:52:41,255 --> 01:52:45,007
-What is it?
-Henry's got our orders. We can go home.
1565
01:52:57,563 --> 01:52:58,729
Right now?
1566
01:52:59,273 --> 01:53:01,691
Any time. Whenever we want.
1567
01:53:01,775 --> 01:53:04,360
Do you mind
if we get out of this guy's brain first?
1568
01:53:09,199 --> 01:53:12,827
Can't you sew this thing up?
You got that vessel under control.
1569
01:53:14,705 --> 01:53:15,705
Haven't you?
1570
01:53:16,707 --> 01:53:19,667
l want to make sure the oozing
is completely checked before l close up.
1571
01:53:19,751 --> 01:53:21,210
Damn perfectionist.
1572
01:53:23,464 --> 01:53:25,047
Yeah, well, l'm...
1573
01:53:27,134 --> 01:53:28,134
l'll see you.
1574
01:53:32,723 --> 01:53:33,806
Five goddamn months,
1575
01:53:33,891 --> 01:53:37,560
and they don't even give a guy
time off for good behavior.
1576
01:53:37,644 --> 01:53:40,605
Hey, hey, man, see you around.
1577
01:53:40,689 --> 01:53:42,190
lt's possible.
1578
01:53:43,025 --> 01:53:44,650
Take care of the squirrels.
1579
01:53:51,033 --> 01:53:52,658
So long, Pup-Pup.
1580
01:53:55,746 --> 01:53:56,996
Will you go, for Christ's sakes?
1581
01:53:57,080 --> 01:53:59,999
Will you go before they change their mind?
Get out of here!
1582
01:54:00,083 --> 01:54:02,960
"O Lord God,
listen favorably to our prayers
1583
01:54:03,045 --> 01:54:06,130
"and with your right hand bless this jeep.
1584
01:54:06,215 --> 01:54:08,591
"Send your holy angels
so that all who ride in it
1585
01:54:08,675 --> 01:54:11,260
"may be delivered and guarded
from every danger.
1586
01:54:11,345 --> 01:54:12,970
"And as you granted faith and grace
1587
01:54:13,055 --> 01:54:15,806
"by your deacon Philip
to the man from Ethiopia,
1588
01:54:15,891 --> 01:54:19,143
"who was sitting in his chariot
and reading holy scripture,
1589
01:54:19,228 --> 01:54:21,812
"show the way of salvation
to your servants,
1590
01:54:21,897 --> 01:54:25,525
"so that helped by your grace
and always intent on doing good works,
1591
01:54:25,609 --> 01:54:29,529
"they may, after all the trials
of their pilgrimage and life on earth,
1592
01:54:29,613 --> 01:54:33,950
"attain to everlasting joys
through Christ, our Lord. Amen."
1593
01:54:35,536 --> 01:54:37,537
Captain Pierce,
your driver will be here in just a minute.
1594
01:54:37,621 --> 01:54:39,747
-Yes, sir.
-Have a good trip, sir.
1595
01:54:39,831 --> 01:54:41,249
Now, let's go, driver.
1596
01:54:43,210 --> 01:54:47,088
Attention.
Tonight's movie has been MASH.
1597
01:54:47,172 --> 01:54:49,757
Follow the zany antics
of our combat surgeons
1598
01:54:49,841 --> 01:54:54,345
as they cut and stitch their way
along the frontlines.
1599
01:54:54,429 --> 01:54:56,472
Operating as bombs...
1600
01:54:57,391 --> 01:55:00,768
Operating as bombs and bullets
burst around them,
1601
01:55:00,852 --> 01:55:04,814
snatching laughs and love
between amputations and penicillin.
1602
01:55:04,898 --> 01:55:06,899
Did Hawkeye steal that jeep?
1603
01:55:08,235 --> 01:55:11,279
-No, sir. That's the one he came in.
-Very good. Come along, my dear.
1604
01:55:11,863 --> 01:55:15,366
Follow Hawkeye, Trapper, Duke, Dago Red,
1605
01:55:15,450 --> 01:55:20,079
Painless, Radar, Hot Lips,
Dish and Staff Sergeant Vollmer
1606
01:55:20,163 --> 01:55:22,415
as they put our boys back together again.
1607
01:55:22,499 --> 01:55:25,251
Starring Donald Sutherland, Elliott Gould,
1608
01:55:25,335 --> 01:55:28,337
Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman,
Robert Duvall,
1609
01:55:28,422 --> 01:55:32,466
Jo Ann Pflug, Rene Auberjonois,
Roger Bowen, Gary Burghoff, David Arkin,
1610
01:55:32,551 --> 01:55:34,635
John Schuck, Fred Williamson,
Indus Arthur,
1611
01:55:34,720 --> 01:55:36,971
Tim Brown, Corey Fischer, Bud Cort,
1612
01:55:37,055 --> 01:55:41,225
Carl Gottlieb, Dawne Damon, Tamara
Horrocks, Ken Prymus, Danny Goldman,
1613
01:55:41,310 --> 01:55:44,478
Kim Atwood, Michael Murphy,
G. Wood, Rick Neilan and Bobby Troup.
1614
01:55:44,563 --> 01:55:47,189
-Goddamn army.
-That is all.
135716
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