Original subtitles

Okay, kids, go to sleep. You've had a long, hard day.

You've had a nice big glass of warm milk

that may or may not have had Benadryl in it.

- So go to sleep. Shh. - Whoo-hoo!

Yes!

- Yeah! - Yes!

My son kicked the winning field goal.

Yay!

Oh, why'd you have to wake up the babies, huh?

Oh, sorry, but it was so worth it.

We were down by one,

and the whole game was riding on my golden-toed boy,

and he did it.

And now my alma mater is going to the playoffs

for the first time since I was there.

- That's great. - Whoa, wait, wait.

Wait. They had football back then?

Was your mascot a real-live dinosaur?

You would be in so much trouble

if you weren't the brother of the star of the football team.

Wait. Now I'm the underachieving brother?

This must be what it feels like to be Jackson.

Uhh.

Oh, I, I was so proud of him,

and I just wanted to run out onto the field and hug my baby.

That's when we tackled her.

And the whole team, they carried him off the field on their shoulders.

It's true. I could see the coach's bald spot.

- You were pretty cool under pressure. - Wh... pressure?

Oh, my golden-toed boy doesn't feel any pressure. Right, Jackson?

You know it. I see the ball, I kick the ball.

And then I listen for the cheers.

Unless you miss, and then all you hear are boos.

Speaking of booze, I got to get to the Smash Club.

Thanks for watching Pamela while Becky's out of town.

Yeah, and I'm around tomorrow if you need me, too.

That's okay. Becky set us up on this new Daddy and Me class.

It'll be nice to hang around guys with gummy bears under their nails

and spit-up stains on their collar. You know, real men.

Yeah, keep that shirt on, and you'll fit right in.

Oh, Pammy must have got yogurt on me.

It's Greek yogurt, so I don't mind.

All right. Jimmy, we're gonna be late for the obstetrician.

We're finally finding out if we're having a boy or a girl.

Well, I'd still rather wait. I love surprises.

That's why my favorite TV shows are Family Feud and the election.

Honey, the election isn't technically a TV show.

Shh, shh, shush. Don't spoil it for me.

I've got all the episodes on DVR,

but I've got a really good feeling about President Gore.

I still don't know why you have to know before the baby's born.

Well, I just want to know what to prepare for.

What the baby's name is, what clothes to buy.

Every time I visualize this baby, all I see is Stewie from Family Guy.

I can't speak for Jimmy, but Stephanie is a grown woman.

She can decide for herself if she wants to find out.

But it's a mistake if you don't.

There is no surprise about this baby's gender.

I have a special gift

when it comes to predicting what the pregnant woman is carrying.

He did predict Ramona was gonna be a girl.

Big whoop. He had a 50-50 shot.

Doesn't make him a witch.

Or does it?

Just as I knew she would be a she, I know this baby...

No. Shh. Wait. I don't wanna know the gender of the baby.

Although I do kind of want to know if you're a witch.

Come on, let's go to a pond and see if you float.

I assure you I will.

Steph, I want you to experience the wonder and amazement

I felt when Ramona was born.

You gave birth in a rented Buick and then had to fill up the tank

so you didn't have to pay $10 a gallon.

But when I saw Ramona's face in the rotating police lights,

it was love at first sight.

The guy at Ampm cut the umbilical cord with a slim jim.

A homeless guy cleaned her off with a squeegee.

It really does take a village.

Well, can we at least make an event of the reveal?

We're Tanners. We don't just receive information.

We need punch and snacks and a banner.

Or none of those things.

I know. Let's have a gender-reveal party.

I'll have my doctor send the results to a company who'll send back a balloon.

Yeah, and then when you pop it, it's filled with pink or blue confetti.

Oh, I'm gonna order a banner.

This is gonna happen whether I say yes or no, right?

I will give you an answer with a banner.

Oh, I been waiting to use that for years.

Hey, Jackson, The Chronicle named you Player of the Week.

The Chronicle? Is that a Batman villain?

No, it's San Francisco's newspaper.

I liked it better when a Batman villain named me Player of the Week.

Why is everyone making such a big deal?

Because it is a big deal.

And we're playing our archrivals, Potrero High.

We have archrivals?

Like Batman versus The Chronicle?

Jackson, focus.

This is the first time in two decades

our school has the chance to make the state championships,

and it's all because of you,

my golden-toed boy.

Oh, wow. I hadn't thought of that.

Yeah, it's all on me.

Old Golden Toe.

Hey, hey, are you limping?

Oh, I just twisted my foot at practice. It'll probably be fine.

Probably? Your entire brand depends on that foot.

Without it, I will not get a seat at Dave & Buster's.

Pammy, you're gonna have so much fun.

Yeah, bro. I avoid gluten like it's a bad neighbor.

Hi. I, uh... We're here for the Daddy and Me group.

Whoa, guy. What's with the plastic straw? What, do you hate on marine animals?

I'm drinking with it, not strangling a walrus.

Hi. Are you having fun spending the day with Grandpa?

Did I just get grandfathered?

- This is my daughter. - Oh.

I get it. Third marriage, super-young wife?

No, super-old wife. I mean, super-normal...

She's a normal-aged wife... Is that a bird on your head?

I'm sorry?

Is that a bird?

Oh.

It's game time, Finn.

- What'd you bring for game time? - Oh.

We brought a ball. See?

Old school. What does it do?

It bounces. She kicks it. She chases after it.

To what end? What is she gonna learn?

To get away from people like you.

There we go. Kick it, kick it.

- Go. - Good girl.

I'm guessing from your outfit and your man bun

that you're one of those millennials.

Well, I'm guessing from your hair that you're...

I got nothing. It's great hair.

So what do you do? You a farm-to-table chef,

a Bitcoin master, a YouTube star?

I'm a tech guy.

- No. - Yeah.

I've got a small start-up.

You might be interested in this app we're beta-testing.

- It's called Pocket Papa. - Pocket Papa. What's it do?

Well, it uses a complex algorithm to raise the perfect child.

Sort of takes the guesswork out of parenting.

Sounds like it takes the parenting out of parenting.

Exactly.

Give it to me straight, Doc. Do we have to put him down?

Do we have to cut it off and give him a wood foot?

No, no. It's probably just a bruised muscle.

The X-rays don't show any fracture. He needs to rest and keep it elevated.

One thing he does well is lie around with his feet up.

Wait. Ew, is that my pillow?

I'll give it back when I'm done.

No, thanks. Just burn it.

Steve, can he play or not?

He could be fine by game time.

Okay, Dr. Feelgood.

So what's it gonna take to get "could be" to "should be" to "is"?

Max, I'm asking the questions.

Steve, answer Max's question.

When it comes to low-impact soft-tissue injuries,

it all depends on how Jackson's medial malleolus

reacts to elevation and ice.

Okay. Jackson, we're gonna trust Steve and hope for the best.

Who knows what he just said?

Oh, don't die on me. It's not your time.

Max, chill out.

I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the foot.

Poor Jackson. He's really worried about letting the team down.

More like the whole school. The bullies called a one-day cease fire

so the nerds can watch the game, too.

Yeah, well, if he's not better soon, Steve wants to do an MRI.

Ramona, do you mind being on Jackson foot duty?

As long as I don't have to look at it or touch it.

He has one toe that's longer than all the other toes combined.

Lucky guy. He can give people the finger with his foot.

All right, Pamela is out like a light.

Yep. And Tommy's reading the encyclopedia.

Really?

Heh heh. No.

He can't read yet, huh?

- How'd bonding time with the daddies go? - Oh, it was a heavy hipster contingent.

Nothing but ironic facial hair and gluten-free man buns.

But they brew a killer Kombucha.

Don't let them catch you drinking it with a straw because...

Yeah, but these new parents, they push so hard.

You know, these kids are so advanced at such a young age.

Just hope that Pam's not missing out by having a dad who's old...

school.

Is the great Uncle Jesse experiencing some doubt?

Come on, you raised two great kids. They only got weird after they moved out.

All that tuition money for a taco truck.

At least they have a place to live.

Ooh, the balloon's ready.

- Ooh, let's go get it. - And some tacos.

Is it possible I'm doing this dad thing wrong?

I mean, has parenting changed that much?

Well, the gadgets and the buzzwords have,

but not the stuff that matters.

It's still about talking to your kids and connecting with them,

setting boundaries and loving on them.

Oh, yeah, like the way I raised you.

I was talking about Joey, but, uh...

- Yeah, I guess you were around, too. - Joey.

Don't worry about Pamela. She's gonna catch up to those other kids.

Look at Jackson. For the longest time, he could not find anything he was good at

or passionate about, and now he found his thing.

What's most important is that your kids are happy

- and know they're loved. - Thanks.

Did you just parent the parent?

Apparently.

- Have mercy. - Oh...

Oh, Mylanta.

I love talking to you.

Why are you all staring at this box?

Is there a raccoon in there?

No. It's the gender-reveal balloon.

Oh, good. I hate raccoons.

Those stupid masks they wear fool no one.

- We have to hide this. - From who?

From you, snoopy.

Yeah, how many Christmases did you ruin

by sneaking around and unwrapping your gifts early?

Mm-hmm. Not only yours, but the neighbors' next door.

I opened my Astronaut Barbie, and she had already flown three missions.

True. I am very eager to learn what the gender is,

but I'm exhibiting self-control.

I will wait patiently until the gender-reveal party.

When's the gender-reveal party? Can it be right now?

Hey, so, uh, rumor has it you own the Smash Club?

Liked it so much, I bought it twice.

Oh, my God. You know, my dad used to go there

to see someone called, um... Jessie and the Roofers.

No. I'm Jessie. It's Jessie and the Rippers, although

two of the Rippers are part-time roofers now, so...

Come on. Come on, Pam.

Come on, Pamela. It's time to go.

The... kids are a lot more active today.

They must be having fun. I don't know.

Uh... uh... hey, guys, who-who is the snack dad?

This isn't a gluten-free, sugar-free fonut. This is an actual donut.

A fonut?

Sugar alert! The donuts are real!

The donuts are real!

- Do you know what you did? - Gave them donuts?

Yes. You monster. Hasn't your generation done enough?

I mean, first, Vietnam. Now this?

Vietna... how old do you think I am?

Oh, God. This is a disaster. It's supposed to be nap time.

If my wife finds out I gave Finn refined sugar,

I'm sleeping on the spare futon.

This is how it ends.

Bro, bro, relax. Don't get your man bun in a bunch, huh?

If he doesn't take a nap, he'll flunk his preschool interview,

he'll not get into the right kindergarten, we can kiss Harvard goodbye,

and he's gonna end up selling corn dogs at the carnival!

Oh. Oh.

Pocket Papa?

Do something!

Ben, Ben, they don't need an app.

Pocket Papa.

Pocket Papa. Pocket Papa.

Pocket Papa, my cardio can't take this.

See, Ben? It's not hard. You got to connect with your kids.

- Are you crying? - I'm not crying. You're crying.

Hey.

I'm meeting Ashlyn. You gonna be okay here alone?

I'm not helpless.

There's cherry pie in the kitchen. I can get you a slice before I go.

I can get it myself. Stop being so nice to me.

It's very disorienting.

Fine. Get your own pie. I hope you choke on it.

That's more like it.

Forgot my hoodie.

Hallelujah!

I've been healed.

You're a worse liar than you are a dancer, and you're a really bad dancer.

You can't tell anyone.

You've been faking this whole time?

Everyone got so nuts because I went from not being able to do anything

to... being good at kicking a stupid ball.

What if I had missed that kick? I wouldn't be able to show my face at school

or at home.

Jackson, your mom's seriously worried about you.

I'm not gonna rat you out, but you should tell her.

But... she got so mad at me when I drank at the party.

Felt really good to make her proud.

She's gonna find out anyway.

Might as well tell her, right?

Sorry. Too nice again?

Ah, it's all right. Kinda need it.

Why would you lie to me?

Well, everyone was treating me like I could do no wrong.

And Mom, you were so proud of me. I just...

figured I'd quit while I was ahead.

Honey, I'm always proud of you.

And I may have gone a little overboard in my enthusiasm.

I'm sorry if I added to the pressure you were already feeling,

but being afraid to fail is never a reason to quit.

Seems like a great reason.

Uh, Deej, if I may?

Oh, yes, please.

You know, Jackson, I once went through a very similar thing in high school.

I had to wrestle this guy from Oakland. They called him the Hulk.

'Cause he was huge?

Oh, yeah, but more because his skin had, like, a greenish hue.

We all thought it was 'cause he worked nights in a pesto factory.

- Even my coach said I couldn't beat him. - So you beat him, right?

Oh, no. He dislocated my collarbone.

I mean, this is a guy

that carried around 50-pound bags of pine nuts everywhere.

- Where are you going with this? - Oh.

Hulk told me I was the toughest opponent he had ever faced.

He brought me a nice penne with pesto to the hospital.

Lucky for him that he visited, too,

because it turned out it wasn't the pesto that was turning his skin green.

It was fungus from a dirty wrestling mat.

And the school district had to pay him $5 million to go away.

- They say he spent most of it on... - Stay with us, Steve. You were so close.

Yeah, okay. Sorry. Sorry. My point.

My point, in a roundabout sorta way is...

you got a talent.

Sometimes you owe it to yourself to see how far that talent could take you.

But what if I mess up and let everyone down?

Well, the only people you would be letting down is your team, if you quit.

I'm not letting you quit because you made a commitment.

If you don't want to play football next year, fine,

but you have to finish out the season.

- You really think I can do it? - Of course I think you can.

And besides, I already spent $200 on foam fingers.

Well, that was some pretty good parenting.

See, there's more to me than just sandwiches.

All right, Ben, pay attention.

This is how a old-school family interacts with each other.

You see, they're talking. There's no cell phones.

No apps needed. Whoa, whoa. Slow down there.

There's enough refined sugar in that cupcake to blow out a pancreas.

I'm glad your foot healed in time for you to play.

- Too bad you lost. - Hey, I'm just glad it wasn't my fault.

Yeah. You made both your kicks.

You didn't end up in the dumpster like your starting quarterback.

Okay, everyone, time to find out if I'm packing a dude or a dudette.

But first, a poem.

Yeah, no.

I'm ready to open the box.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, wow. Oh, my gosh, it's so big. All right.

Gimme a pin.

Oh, Kimberlina, I always thought you were a mousy librarian, but you are a knockout.

We're not playing Mousy Librarian and the Naughty Boy with the Overdue Book.

Not yet at least.

- Okay. - Wait, wait.

Before you pop it, you have to make a speech.

She's right. It's a Tanner/Fuller/Gibbler party.

There's the banner hanging. There's got to be a speech.

- Speech! - Speech!

- Okay, fine. - Speech!

Here's my speech. I'm popping the balloon.

What the heck?

Here. I'll hold it for you.

Okay. Ready?

Uh, honey, maybe not in front of your face.

Oh. You're gonna be a great parent.

All right, ready?

Wow. Ooh. Ooh.

That's one tough balloon.

Uh, you know what? Hold on a sec. I'll be right back.

Okay, you got it. You got it.

So this whole party was planned around a balloon that won't pop?

We've had parties for less.

Is that cake?

Here's Stephanie.

Hey, don't eat that.

- No! - Oh, no!

Oh, I can't believe this.

- I'm so sorry, Steph. - I don't suppose there's a backup balloon?

I'll call the doctor and ask him over the phone.

No need. I have here in my possession a sealed envelope

with my predictions for the baby's gender.

I wish you hadn't done that.

There was also a hundred-dollar gift certificate for the Baby Gap.

You know what?

I don't want to know.

Maybe this is all just a sign.

You know, I kind of thought that knowing might make me feel more in control, but...

what difference does it make if pink or blue comes out of that balloon?

Regardless of if the baby's a boy or a girl,

- we're gonna love it just the same. - Yeah.

Of course we are. No expectations.

Now you get it. You just learn to love the not knowing.

Yeah, I always love not knowing.

Come on, you guys. Let's celebrate.

- Yeah. - Yes.

Hey, what happened to the cake?

Ben...

Ben, Ben, slow down. You're gonna have a sugar meltdown.

You better get the piano.

- Kimmy, what's wrong? - Yeah, you're crying. Is everything okay?

I really loved that chair.

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