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Who's there?!

My tooth! Aa-hh!

What the fuck?

Ow! What the fuck?

Oh, Jesus Christ! That is so vile. Ugh.

I'm sorry!

I'm so sorry!

"Some say the earth will end in fire.

Others, in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire,

i hold with those who favor fire..."

"Some women prefer white men, others prefer Asian.

I, however, prefer the underage, dark-skinned boys

who play basketball and listen to Chris brown."

- Excuse me? - I didn't say anything.

Marry me.

Change me.

Marry me.

No, seriously, change me.

I think I just soiled my pants.

Do you want the bears or the bunnies?

Uh, bunnies are good.

- Ahem-- - grandma?

Wow, what are you doing here?

Grandma, I want you to meet my boyfriend Edward.

- Oh, hello. - Hi.

Oh...

Yes. Hello, grandma.

Ah-hh.

Oh-hh!

No teeth.

- Oh God. - Ah, yeah.

- Ah, yeah. - No.

Hey, sweetheart.

Looks like somebody got in a little late last night.

Actually, I got in at exactly 8:00.

So, what, Edward's trying to brown-nose me now?

- What? - Got a surprise for you, sweetheart.

Look who's gonna be staying with us for a few weeks.

- Grandma? - Yeah.

Yeah, grandma thought she'd come out and see you graduate.

- Oh no. - Oh hey, bell.

Who's your vampire, huh? Yeah!

Hey.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Ooh, looks like somebody got in a little late last night.

Actually, dad, I got in exactly at 8:00.

So, what, Edward's trying to brown-nose me now?

You know, dad? Let's just move on.

Look, uh,

you know why I grounded you, right?

Because I suggested the features that made Facebook as lame as MySpace?

- What? - Because I've been asleep for three movies?

- What? - Or was it because I accidentally trapped

those 33 Chileans in a mine for over a month?

No no. It's because I wanted separation between you and Edward.

Dad, there's nothing you can say.

- Edward's in my life. - Hello.

Yeah, I gathered that.

All right, look,

I'll make you a deal.

You're not grounded anymore

if you use some of your newfound freedom

to spend some time with your other friends too.

Like Jacob.

Honey, he's going through a real rough time now.

His dad's worried about him.

I remember when that was you.

You needed a friend, Jake was there.

Not to mention that they're turning

that Indian reservation into a casino.

Honey, you could marry into a ton of cash.

Then you could finally buy your old man three taiwanese hookers.

- What? - Two taiwanese hookers?

- Ugh. - I'm good with one. Not selfish.

Welcome to the official Jacob fan club hotline!

Unfortunately, due to heavy call volume,

the hold time is exceptionally long.

But if you leave your name after the beep,

we'll be sure to get back to you!

Jacob hadn't talked to me in weeks.

I wanted to fix it, but...

He just wouldn't give me a chance.

♪ I'm fallin' so fast ♪

♪ you are where I wanna be ♪

♪ slow down and wait for ♪

♪ you to take this earth from me ♪

♪ these wounds are deep and my lungs are filling up... ♪

Going to the reservation?

What?

No. I am going to the-- the cheese store.

There-- they-- they have this new camembert

that's supposed to be--

that's some sexy cheese.

Yep.

Edward's been having a tough time trusting me as of late,

and I wasn't exactly sure why.

Maybe it was because he saw me take a 20 out of his wallet.

Or maybe it was because he caught me

giving oral at the dancing bear party.

I don't know. I just don't get it.

♪ Waiting for you to speak ♪

♪ I feel-- ♪

You mind?

So we spotted Bella and Edward together again.

And according to them, they swear they're not an item.

Whatevs. He's so dropping his nuts in her mouth.

As opposed to dropping them on her chest.

Well, wouldn't that make them "chestnuts"?

Sorry, Harry, blond dude's nuts joke was better!

Hey, so what's the deal guys? You together or what?

Come on, you got die-hard fans. They wanna know what's going on.

Bella, is Edward well-hung or does he have a tiny penis?

That is wildly inappropriate.

Well what about Bella, Edward? Does she have a large vagina?

Whoa, that too is incredibly inappropriate.

It's huge.

T-shirts! Get your t-shirts right here.

Join team Edward today.

We got 25% off for all new members.

There you go, sweetheart.

We got buttons. We got pins.

We got notebooks. We got underwear.

We got socks, t-shirts, sneakers, we got whatever you want.

All right, here we go.

I've decided to throw a party.

After all, how many times do we get to graduate high school?

Hmm. Another party, Alice?

It'll be fun. We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo...

And we'll drink some blood.

- What? - Huh?

Oh, look who's in town.

There's no one there.

Look again.

Aw-ww, who are they?

The little cullens.

They're little versions of us.

They swoop into towns after we've left them behind

and pick up all the emotionally-wounded scraps.

Don't look now, bell, but little Edward is totally eyeing you.

- Little Edward. - Edward.

We have a pact, you little putz.

You're not supposed to be within 100 Miles of me.

I'm well aware of that, but I don't give a crap.

I'm hot for Bella.

She's one hot piece of ass.

See?

You're just jealous 'cause Bella wants me.

- Little Jasper. - Jasper.

You never answered any of my calls.

- I miss you. - You were stalking me.

- I miss your scent. I miss your forehead. - I miss everything.

Edward seemed a little uneasy

about the arrival of the little cullens.

From what I was told, they always seem to put him in a weird place.

He just wasn't acting like himself.

It was making me nervous.

But nothing outweighed the disdain he had for Jacob.

Don't let him touch you.

I measured it off at 6 3/4" this morning.

- What? - Huh?

Where have you been?

Hanging out at home.

While you were hanging out at home, the guys spotted your ginger.

Victoria. Alice's vision.

- I was trying to protect you. - By lying to me?

See, that's what you get with these vampires.

With me, you get so much more.

You get honesty and 8 3/4".

I thought you said you were 6 3/4".

I lied.

- I need to talk to him. - I don't trust him.

Don't worry. He's a great driver.

Okay.

Lose the grin, Jake. We're just going for a ride.

Damn right we are. Watch your leg.

Oh! Hold on.

I got my pant leg caught. Oh, there we go.

- You ready now? - Yeah, yeah.

All right, here we go. Ow!

- You okay? - Yeah, hop off, hop off.

- Hey, can you help? - Sorry.

Ah, rats.

I got the corn dog, so you're good with this, right?

I knew it. How was school today?

It hasn't started yet.

Oh, mother of pearl, this is heavy.

Is this bike made of bricks?

Light a fire under your ass. Let's move!

Okay.

That first mile, there were a lot of snakes.

Like, I mean, an ungodly amount of snakes.

I can't believe that. Just leave that there if you want to.

Hey-- hey hey hey hey.

Are you all right?

It's okay, she didn't mean it.

Be back to take care of you later.

Hey, are you sure it's cool that I'm here?

I mean, I'm not a werewolf.

You worry too much. Of course.

Ah, look who's back.

What up, bell?

- Quiel, you too? - Yup, finally made the pack.

No thanks. I'm good.

Glad you're here, Bella. Now we can finally get a break

- from Jacob constantly humping the pool heater. - Not to mention the mattress.

- Don't forget the fresh cantaloupe. - Oh, yeah.

It's his way of imprinting.

What? It just feels really good, okay?

Yeah, it does, right?

So, what's this whole

"imprinting" thing?

Imprinting.

Uh...

Imprinting is when you see her.

And...

Just everything changes.

It's no longer gravity that's keeping you on the planet.

It's simply her.

And nothing else matters.

Sounds like you know the feeling.

Have you ever, um,

imprinted on anyone?

I imprinted on my face first thing this morning.

Now look at this little guy we've got here.

Jacob, Edward's going to change me after graduation.

What?

- You knew this was coming. - Not in a month or--

before you even lived. Or I had the chance

to imprint over the great abs you've got there.

My God! Would you look at the ass

on that sweet bitch?!

I would tear that shit up in two seconds.

Jacob, I know that this hurts right now,

but in time, you'll forget about me.

Jacob?

- Jake! - I've got a six-pack.

I was just saying,

in time, you'll forget about me.

Bella...

You really have no idea

how much you mean to me.

Ah!

Don't touch me.

I just imprinted in my pants.

Oh, Frank.

You know, Edward could at least respect meal times.

- I was with Jake. - Oh.

Dad, what is on your face?

What?

Hey, Gary Coleman's cock.

Hey.

Do you understand how worried I've been?

I was perfectly safe.

I almost broke the treaty and had to cancel my blow-dry appoint--

oh, God-- sorry, I know. I smell like dog semen.

No, something's wrong.

Edward, what's wrong?

Someone's been in here...

And he hijacked your "ebony thunder."

- Who was it? Someone we know? - Just a stranger.

I didn't recognize his scent, but it was intoxicating.

A nomad just passing through?

A passerby wouldn't have left Bella's dad alive.

I wouldn't have.

The scent disappeared about five Miles South of Bella's house.

It was very pungent.

I think he had huevos rancheros.

- Someone's orchestrating this. - Victoria?

I would have seen her decide.

Has to be the volturi.

I don't think it's the volturi either.

I've been watching James' decisions too.

So we keep looking.

We'll all take shifts watching Bella at her house.

Another protection detail for this little bitch?

- Rosalie. - No, she's-- she's totally right.

You guys can't protect me, watch my dad, follow the intruder,

stock up on glitter, and keep yourselves fed.

I'm not gonna leave you here unprotected.

Well, I won't let you starve.

And besides I won't be unprotected.

Jacob and the wolves can help.

Abs!

You know what I'm thinking?

Oh, shit.

We've missed the first five minutes of "ace of cakes."

- No! - God damn it.

- I do love that guy. - No! Season finale!

Sometimes I wish I'd never moved to forks.

I've caused so much drama, I would have been better off staying in Arizona.

But at the same time,

i was kind of a loser in Arizona.

I ate lunch by myself, stayed home on Saturday nights,

went to the homecoming dance with chao-lin,

the blond Korean pool boy.

You know, on second thought, I guess I really should have moved here.

This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Well, besides dry-humping chao-lin.

Is somebody eating junior mints?

I totally smell junior mints. I love junior mints.

Sometimes I'll eat like, 20 at a time and then throw them up.

I'm bulimic and vegan.

Oh shit. There's an in-n-out. I gotta run.

Well, whoever it was forgot to flush the toilet.

That thing was huge, but we picked up his scent.

It won't be hard to miss next time we cross it.

We can handle it from here.

We don't need you to handle anyone or anything.

- I'll handle your balls. - All right, we're done here.

No, you're done here.

Or maybe it's just the beginning.

Stop!

Stop it. Stop!

God, I am so tired of this.

You know what, from now on, I'm Switzerland, okay?

By Switzerland, you mean large vagina?

Edward hated the idea.

But it wasn't about rivalry anymore.

It was about my safety and Charlie's...

And the amazing package the host had at c.P.K.

In the days that followed, I got them both

to at least try to work together.

Hah...

Damn you, Jacob the werewolf!

It wasn't exactly an easy alliance, but it worked.

While Edward and his family went out to hunt,

I'd spend time with Jacob.

Are you sure it's okay that I'm here

seeing as I'm a vampire girl and all?

Do I have perfectly chiseled abs?

Besides, the tribal council has something special

planned for you for tonight.

Jake! Jake!

The quileutes have always been a small tribe from the beginning...

And we have always had the magic in our blood.

We were great spirit warriors, shape shifters.

We transformed into powerful autobots

that fought the Decepticons

while our children turned into smurfs

and we formed an alliance with captain crunch

and fought the hamburglar.

We were unstoppable...

That is,

until they showed up.

Anyone in the mood for a good salad tossing?

Our warriors' sharp teeth finally tore it apart.

It tasted like chicken.

We completely killed it--

the blockbuster franchise

and the amusement ride.

However, they lived in fear

that the cold man was not alone.

And they were right.

There was a herd of them--

all of them different characters

played the exact same way.

Mmm. Smells like oak with a hint of Berry.

Oop. That's two for flinching.

Don't you know you can't have tea

without the tea bag?

Here we go.

And the cold ones went insane.

They wiped out most of the tribe before they could escape.

Our eldest chief, Marc Epstein,

was the only spirit warrior left to save the tribe

after his son was killed.

Chief Epstein's second wife saw that he would lose.

The second wife was no match for the being,

with no special powers but one--

courage.

The second wife's sacrifice

distracted the cold ones long enough

for chief Epstein to destroy it.

She saved the tribe.

It was a mitzvah.

Over time, our enemies had disappeared.

But one remains-- the cold ones.

Our magic awakens when they're near.

We sense it now.

We feel the threat

in our blood, our loins, our cornholes.

Deep inside.

Kind of vibrating,

probing around, pure heaven.

Something terrible is coming.

We must be ready.

Ready to break wind if we have to,

to get their attention and defeat them.

Excuse me a minute.

Oh, he just sharted himself.

This is a great new art piece, guys.

Oh, thanks, honey. Actually, it's old.

Rosalie found it in the basement this morning

and I just thought it'd be fun to look at.

Nice find, Rosalie.

Yeah, the guy it was made after was some African tribal leader.

Mom used to date him. As you can see,

he was excessively endowed.

Well, not as big as your father, honey.

Dad was just girthy, mom.

He's not as long as nimbat...

Oh, you see, Alice and I used to share nimbat...

Actually, mom stole him from me.

Now, don't be angry because you're too tight to do anal.

Yeah, Alice, anal's cool.

Wait. Shh shh. I wanna hear this.

Seattle is in a state of terror

as police are baffled by the escalating murders,

disappearances, and how Brendan Fraser keeps getting work...

- Aghh-- Brendan Fraser! - It's getting worse.

We might have to do something.

It takes more than one of our kind to report damages like that.

Quite a few more. They're undisciplined, conspicuous,

and they all sag their pants a little bit.

Newborns. Aka "noobs."

Oh, like a level two orc in "warcraft."

The first few months after the change--

right, that's when we're at our most uncontrollable.

We're vicious, bloodthirsty

and we have this weird ocd thing

where we have to count all the time.

"One testy-testy, ha ha ha.

Two testy-testy, ha ha ha.

Three testy-testy, ha ha ha."

Nobody tell anyone I have three testicles.

It's something to look forward to--

the counting, not the testicles.

- Right. - I'm gonna go check the mail out front.

I just ordered a new box of proactiv.

Now these nooblets are untrained,

- but this isn't random. - Someone's creating an army.

A vampire army?

No, the salvation army, bitch!

Jesus Christ! What do you think we've been talking about?

You know, you really are an idiot. I fucking hate you.

We're the only clan closest to Seattle.

Regardless of why they were created,

if we don't do something about them, the volturi will.

I'm surprised they haven't already done something.

Jesus Christ! Don't you ever die, bitch?!

Ugh!

What the hell are you doing, Rosalie?

I'm sorry. She's just so effing annoying.

Why don't you just talk it out with her, for Christ's sakes?

Are you okay, bell?

Oh, thank goodness.

Oh, shit.

"Project runway" just started.

We can watch it on the big screen upstairs.

Yeah. Come on, bell, and stop being so pretentious.

I don't know how you do it, Carlisle.

Do what?

Work around injured patients all day.

How do you not get tempted?

I've been doing this for a long time, Bella.

I've mastered self-control.

I wish all vampires had such control.

You know what I mean?

I do. Is that Edward outside?

Where?

Oh, my bad.

You might feel a little prick.

Ow, what are you doing?

Nothing. It's standard for this kind of injury.

Okay.

Sorry.

I was falling off the bed

and I grabbed what I could to break my fall.

- What are you doing here? - I need to talk to you.

You mind giving little Edward a hand?

Ooh, ooh.

You're so incredibly hot, Bella.

I don't know what you see in Edward,

but I'm prepared to give you all of me.

Let me show you.

Oh, can you-- can we just not do that?

Sorry. Whew!

Truthfully, I got kicked out of my place.

Can I stay with you for a while?

- I can't let you stay here. - No, not here.

Inside your cavernous vagina.

Oh, yeah.

- Oh, no. No! - Ooh, yeah!

- Dude, dude, dude. Wait wait wait. - What are you doing?!

Dude, dude, dude. I'm so sorry, dude.

I know I'm not supposed to be here, but I can't help myself.

I just can't stop thinking about her constantly.

Day and night.

She's like my own little personal heroin.

I just want her to touch it, touch it.

Gyah!

Tee shot! Whoo-hoo!

I'll hump you later, okay?

Ugh...

Oh yeah...

Unh... oh yeah.

Oh my God. Oh my God, I left my mic on.

It's so pretty here.

Alice is throwing this huge graduation party

which, of course, you're invited to.

She's got some really cool stuff planned.

She's having, I guess, something about Lindsay Lohan

coming with some ping-pong balls and a mule?

Yeah. I figured as much.

What?

I wanted to do this differently.

Smoother, but...

But now I'm out of time.

Time for what?

You need to know the truth, Bella.

You have to understand all your options.

And right now, you have to understand

that I'm 12 3/4".

Holy shit!

Is that wrapped around your leg?

Yeah, three times.

This new cream that I got is so incredible.

It's gotten so big and girthy now.

Hmm...

Bella, I want you to choose me

over him.

I thought you understood, Jake.

I just don't feel that way about you.

Shh. Shh shh shh.

Listen.

I know you feel something for me.

You just won't admit it.

Now you won't have to change

for anybody or say goodbye to anyone.

I can give you more than he can.

♪ I love it when we're all alone-- ♪

Really? Watch it, a-hole.

Hey, sorry, but I'm just wonderin' how you guys are doing.

We're doing fine! Do you want to leave us alone here?

Hey, come on. So are you guys a couple or what?

No! Trying to work on that! God damn it.

Come on, Jacob. You guys look great together.

Tell us what's going on. Someone just said they spotted the two of you

canoodling at boa's the other night.

Hey, give us the goods.

So Jake, you all right getting Eddie's cheese?

Really, huh? You want to talk about cheese? How about that?

Hey.

Oh my God. This house is amazing. I just took the biggest dump upstairs.

- What are you doing here? - Someone told me something

about an all-you-can-eat buffet catered by red lobster.

Congrats, Bella. I made you a little something.

That is so sweet. Thanks, Jacob.

Ooh, sorry.

I mean-- ahem-- I have a six-pack.

So it is true.

Ugh, I'll be right back.

What did you see?

The decision's been made.

- What does that mean? - Not going to Seattle.

They're coming here.

Ah-hh!

Sorry. Imprint.

They'll be here in four days,

but not before stopping off at ihop

for all-you-can-eat pancakes.

How do you know all this?

I follow her tweets.

"Just had the most amazing dinner at the brewery.

Can't wait for ihop all-you-can-eat before killing Bella."

- This could turn into a bloodbath. - Who's behind it?

I didn't see anyone I recognized.

- Maybe one. - I know his face.

Ronald steers. He just friended me on Facebook.

Look, bottom line is there's an army coming here

and there's not enough of us to stop them.

Wait. What-- what damn army?

Come on, dude. Noobs.

Okay? Our kind.

They're coming straight for Bella.

They got her scratch-and-sniff vagina scent

from this "ebony thunder" magazine.

So what does that mean?

It's like a really good magazine-- 10 issues for $9.95.

It means there'll be an ugly fight with lives lost.

But we'll probably get to wear some really cool outfits. - Yes.

All right. We're in.

No. You'll get yourselves killed, no way.

I wasn't asking permission.

- Edward. - It means more protection for you.

We'll all need some training.

Fighting noobs requires knowledge that Jasper has.

Ah, yes. Yes.

You're welcome to join us.

All right. I like to do things.

Name the time and the place.

This is all happening...

Because of me.

I'm the center of it all!

God, I'm the best!

Ah! Whoo!

Me, me, me, me--

we had to prepare for what was coming,

which meant another h.P.V. Inoculation

and a 30-day supply of tucks.

Thank you. Well, I studied.

What is that?

Oh, it's just a graduation present from Jake.

Don't worry. I can't eat white cake.

Gives me really bad gas.

I mean, literally the minute I eat it, I just start ripping.

It smells really bad.

Kind of like a coyote carcass

that's been left on the side of the road for nine months

with a side of melted gruyere cheese.

Or kind of like

an underground turkish sewer system

after a gay pride parade in the month of July--

or like I just ate a llama's dump after--

okay, I get it! It stinks.

- Yeah. - Yeah, let's go.

Sorry we're late, guys.

Jacob got his dick stuck in the pool heater again.

Took us a while to get it out.

What? It felt really good.

- Damn good. - We know, man.

- We know. - It was fun.

Anyways, welcome.

Jasper has experience with noobs.

Hell yeah. He'll teach us how to defeat them.

Well, how are you vampires different from those noobs?

They wanna know how we differ from the noobs.

Ahh...

They're a lot more powerful than we are.

Not only do they have human tissue in their blood,

- they all juice up. - Like on steroids?

No, like minute-maid, moron!

Carlisle! Can we please just kill her

so we can live the rest of our lives in peace? Please.

Unfortunately for our kind, the first few months of this life

are our most powerful.

Let me show you some of their recent activities.

This should be good.

I hate these.

It's worth seeing, guys.

Sorry.

Is that a "b" or "p"?

- It's a "p". - It's a "p", honey.

I think "b".

It was a "p".

Fuck!

Sorry.

Anyway,

Jasper's gonna teach us how to fight these monsters.

- Jasper? - Thank you, Carlisle.

Ladies and gentlemen, the two most important things

about taking down noobs are as follows--

number one, do not let them come at you from behind.

Keep your assholes tight.

They will get in, they will slip in like my Uncle Chris slipped in!

Number two, do not let them fondle your nuts!

They love nuts. It's one of their top three favorite foods

that are also body parts.

They love them. I've seen it. Okay?

Rosalie. Don't hold back.

Never.

Don't be blonde.

That was rule number zero. I just didn't say it. Alice!

I love you so much!

Jasper. Lick dog ass!

Who's next?! Who's next?!

- Oh crap. Just go. - Just run. Run.

Mighty Joe young

ain't got nothing on me!

Whoever said that silk tastes like regular milk

is completely full of shit.

Screw this diet. Jesus.

So what's the plan here, paleface?

Well, this field will be an advantage in battle.

We need to lure the noobs here with Bella's scent.

This will end here.

Edward and I are going to a campsite on Saturday.

But even if he carries me, they'll still pick up my scent.

Your scent, however, is revolting.

What's that supposed to mean?

Ooh.

Oh, it's a good one. Sharp!

Well, maybe-- maybe just a test sample.

Okay. What Edward means is that if you carry me,

your scent will mask mine.

So let's do a test run for Saturday.

All right. Let's do this.

Three--

--two, one.

Okay, sorry. Sorry.

Oh!

- Um... - We'll get there.

We'll get there.

Even though it was Edward's idea,

he really wasn't a fan of me spending time with Jacob.

I'd just wish he'd finally understand

that my feelings for him are way stronger

than my feelings for Jacob.

Well, except when Jacob sweats between his breasts.

I enjoy that. They're fun.

I call them my fun bags.

Hey. You want a sandwich?

No, I'm good.

Dad, I was wondering.

Hmm?

Why didn't you ever get married after mom?

Well, uh...

Actually I almost did, sweetheart.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah. His name was Frank.

He had the hottest eight-pack I'd ever seen in my life.

He loved tennis as much as I did.

On the weekend, we go to palm Springs

and get one of those rooms with two queens for $69.69.

We'd go antiquing, take the skytram, ass hump.

Oh gross, dad.

Why don't you just tell me some more about the skytram?

Of course, I'm sorry.

Skytram is when I get nude and stand on the bed

and he lies on the floor and jerks off.

If he shoots a load up in the air

and I catch it in my mouth,

we both yell out "skytram!"

Oh, wow, that's really gross.

I should have just asked you about antiquing.

Oh. Well, that's when you skytram

with an 85-year-old man.

Okay, dad, can I just ask you something, please?

Anything.

- Do you believe in marriage? - Of course. Why?

Is there something you want to tell me?

Were you not careful, Bella?

What?

Look, there are things you need to know

before you become physically intimate.

Okay, dad. Mom already had this talk with me so--

uh-hmm. Look, sweetheart.

This isn't a game. You need to know what sex is all about.

Now a man has a penis

and a woman...

Has a vagina.

Some women have very big vaginas.

- Dad! - Too technical? Okay.

Now once insertion is achieved,

the man and woman begin humping each other.

Could you guys demonstrate, please?

Dad! Edward is not interested in sex.

- Get out of here. - No, he's not. I'm serious.

No, I mean it. Get out of here. You're wasting my time then. I've got business to do.

Go.

I'm sorry. My daughter has a huge vagina.

Like, gaping.

Hey, anybody up for a little antiquing?

You guys up? Have you heard of skytramming?

I can't believe we have the whole house

- to ourselves for the night. - Pretty cool.

There's a bed?

Thought you might need one to sleep in.

Okay, I wanna ask you something.

Anything.

Marriage is the condition for you to change me yourself, right?

- Yes. - Okay.

I wanna negotiate my own condition.

Anything you want, it's yours.

You promise?

Yes.

- Put this on. - What?

- Please? - Why?

Thought it might be fun.

For you, anything.

Okay. This too.

Uh...

How's this?

Oh, it's perfect.

Okay, um, now call me your bitch.

What? I can't--

oh, oh, okay. Uh, how about ho? Can you say ho?

No, that's not how I was raised--

oh-hh!

You're my motherfucking bitch!

Ooh! You're my goddamn ho!

Oh yeah. Okay, now talk about my milky-white ass.

I love your milky-white ass.

Oh, yes, that is so good.

Oh, give me your chocolate pole, lebron.

Okay okay okay, stop. I-- I can't do this.

What? It's just a little roleplay.

- I'm out, I'm out. - It's just for f--

okay, I'm sorry.

Let's just be us--

you and me?

You're the hottest thing around here anyway.

♪ One day ♪

♪ no more pain-- ♪

Oh oh, whoa. Okay, what-- what-- what are you doing?

Oh, just go with it, Edward. I'm gonna make you feel so good.

♪ One day, no more-- ♪

Oh, ow! Whoa, okay. I-- I can't let you do that.

Bella, Bella, Bella, I'm not ready.

Aren't you attracted to me, Edward?

I mean, we can work through this.

I can get liposuction or I can breast implants,

or shave my roast beef.

I mean, whatever you want.

No, bell-- I'm attracted to you, Bella.

It's just I--

do you have the most enhanced breasts in the world?

- Does that help? - Nope.

Please direct your attention to stage seven

and let's give a big body shop welcome

to Bella.

Try stuffing this in your fire crotch.

Thanks, mister.

Really?

Here.

Drink that.

- Nothing. - God damn it!

What the hell is wrong with you?

Any guy would give his left nut

to be nailing me right now.

Nailing me fucking hard!

You know what? Screw yourself.

Thanks a lot, fuck-snort. I lost my wood.

You're not coming with us?

It'll be a last-minute decision.

I told you how it works.

The cullens have powers.

Don't underestimate them, Ronald.

You'll have the numbers,

but they'll be able to anticipate your every move.

According to your friend.

Yes. My dead friend--

Gary Coleman.

He found out about the things they could do,

so they killed him.

But not before he told me about--

hey, looks like you two have become quite the couple.

- Fuck. - What?

No, seriously. You guys are like a vampire version

of Bonnie and Clyde. It's so cool.

All right. Do-- do you mind?

No, I get it. You want your privacy.

But tell me, is the sex better

as a vampire or as a human?

Oh, come on, Ronny. Don't be shy, man.

Come on, what's the deal? Is she not giving it up?

- Would you-- no comment. - Come on.

Oh, shit. She's not giving it up, is she?

You're a vampire virgin.

Aww, little Ronny's a vampire virgin!

All right, stop it!

We mess around, okay?

We do everything but.

You know, we just dry humped like half an hour ago.

Whoa. Dry humping. Wow.

That's some real Jonas brothers shit, right?

- Get off me! - What?

Why don't you give each other promise rings

and jerk each other off?

I didn't do anything. You are on thin ice.

- Victoria. - No.

Don't you think you're going a little overboard?

If this is all I have to contribute, I want to be thorough.

- Thorough about what? - Hey, Jacob.

Alice says there's a storm coming through tonight.

Yeah yeah. I can feel it.

I definitely have maximum shrinkage going on.

Oh, this needs ketchup. Ooh.

Chipotle.

I'll meet you up there in a couple hours.

- Ready to go, milady? - Yeah, yes.

All right, you know what to do.

Got it.

And now-- oh my God!

- Did you gain weight? - Did you lose muscle?

I'm protecting you. Ready?

Ahh! That's one.

Yeah, they're not gonna follow me after that.

Ooh, Jesus, is that really necessary?

You wanna be safe, don't you?

Um, Ronald? I'm not too strong of a swimmer.

Neither am I.

I was taking lessons at the y and my teacher got gonorrhea.

She had to move back to Kansas.

I don't know how to swim, and I have a vagina.

Enough! We will figure it out.

Such babies.

Oh Christ, so sorry!

Oh my God!

No worries.

You're gonna really wanna hurry up there, sweet tits.

Those vampires are hot on your ass.

Oh, we're almost there. Awesome.

- Almost got it. - God, this is hard.

Oh my God.

Let me know when you want me to jump off, girl.

We're almost there.

Whew. That burn.

- Okay. - All right.

- Thank you. - It was no problem.

We ran into a small stumbling block

a few Miles down, but we made it through.

You should probably head back before the storm hits.

Nah, I'm good.

I think I'm gonna camp out here tonight.

Besides, I have a dove bar.

Why are you staying here?

'Cause I like to watch.

Let's get you inside the tent.

I'm sorry, sweetie,

I wish there was something I could do.

It's okay, I'm fine.

Guys, we've got a problem.

Did anybody bring hot sauce?

'Cause this burrito is dry-- whoa, Bella, are you all right?

We're all right, Jacob. Just leave us alone.

- She doesn't look fine. - Leave us alone, man.

Hey, this isn't about you and me, Edward.

This is about Bella.

Come to terms with it, man.

I'm just hotter than you.

You serious?

Keep it clean.

Hey, you got it.

Keep it clean.

Oh yeah. Really really clean.

I gotta say, Jacob-- I mean,

if the situation wasn't what it is...

I think we'd probably be friends.

I know it's weird, but I...

...I think you're a good guy.

Good, good-- a nice guy.

I-- I mean, uh, I think...

Your intentions seem to be in the right place.

It's-- damn it, man, I mean...

Is it our fault that our ancestors

have been feuding for centuries?

Pile-drive me!

- I like you Jacob and... - I need energy.

- ...I'd like to start over with you. - Oh God!

Maybe catch a movie, grab a coffee.

- Road trip to Vegas? - Ah!

It's crazy.

Vampire, wolf boy, hanging out, right?

No, I know. I know, right? But think about it.

Oh my God! Oh my God!

We could change things for our kind for future generations.

Oh Buddha.

Fucking-a, man, we can make a difference.

What do you say? Wanna go to palm Springs?

Did you have a good night's sleep?

Yeah, it was good.

I gotta say, Jacob's not half bad.

I mean, he's a real,

genuine, trustworthy gentleman.

It's hard to find that in someone these days.

I told you.

Nah.

Oh my God, these woods are amazing.

I just took the biggest dump next to poison sumac!

O.M.G.!

We've been totally looking for you guys.

Hello, Laverne, Shirley.

We called you guys like, a million times.

We posted, like, a gazillion messages on your wall.

We sexted nude pictures to Jasper like, every day.

I did not put that picture

as my desktop profile picture. I did not.

Listen, ladies, we're a little busy right now.

Of course, blow us off again, Carlisle. We're used to it.

You seemed to have plenty of time for us

during the last exam of our vaginas.

Okay, girls, honestly.

We're about to go into battle here.

Look, cut the bullshit.

Are you adopting us or not?

Unfortunately, no.

Well, fuck you, Cullen family.

Fuck you hard.

You wanna go now?

Did anyone notice they kinda looked a little similar?

What the fuck, hmm?

I thought you knew where we were going!

Recalculating route. Damn GPS!

The noobs will be forced to enter from the east side.

We'll wait until they get halfway across the battlefield

and then we'll strike, but only on my command. You got it?

- Right. - On my command!

You have reached your destination.

Okay, let's do this.

Lee-Roy-yy Jenkins!

- Emmet, you moron! - God damn it.

- Ooh! - That's enough!

Enough!

- We want them! - Oh hell no!

It's starting.

He says it's starting.

They're planking.

And now they're owling.

It's really gay.

Oh my God, they're owling.

That is so gay.

Jacob just arrived. He's marking his territory.

Still going. Still going. Anybody still going?

Someone's hurt?

She's close. I can hear her thoughts.

Something about needing a Brazilian wax

because she's getting major chaffage when she runs.

Seth, go!

She found us.

She's not alone.

Oh God.

Ronald, listen to me.

Victoria is just using you to distract me.

She knows I'll kill you.

In fact, she'll be happy

to not have to deal with you anymore.

Don't listen to him, Ronald.

I told you about his mind tricks.

Don't keep distracted. Keep watching. Keep watching.

Oh, which one it could be? Whoa, whoa, here we go. Here we go.

- Oh, son of a bitch! - Ha!

Oh my goodness.

You're fucking dead!

You won't get another chance like this again!

You want her. You want me to feel

the pain you felt when I killed James,

when I tore him to pieces,

when I turned him to ash,

when I smoked him out of a bong

and gave everyone a contact high at an Enrique iglesias concert.

Where are you going?

Aggh!

Get over here.

Take this.

You, where do you think you're going?

- Yeah. - Don't do it.

Bella!

Don't do it.

Oh, your girlfriend's bleeding.

Come on!

Oh, I hate you so much.

So much.

Mmm...

Huh.

- Want one? - No.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's bad!

That's really-- oh my God, that's really bad.

Oh, it's so bad it smells like coyote carcass with melted gruyere

that's been left on the side of the highway for nine months.

So bad-- oh, it smells like a turkish sewer system

after a gay pride parade in the month of July.

Oh, oh, so bad, it smells like

you ate a llama's dump after it just--

okay yeah, I know, I know. It smells bad.

- Hey, there they are. - Love the llama's dump line.

That was really good.

Congratulations.

Impressive. I've never seen a small group like yours

defeat a large army like theirs.

- We were lucky. - I doubt that.

Luck is when you have a six showing

and the dealer shows a king and you hit

and pull up a four and a queen.

Or when you bet exacta box on two 50-1 horses

and they come in win and place.

Or if you take grambling over Southern,

but you have to lay 10 and cover on a last-second hail Mary.

- We're gonna have to off all of you. - Excuse me?

It'll be quick. You won't feel a thing.

Oh, crap!

- "Storage wars" is on in five. - What? No one TiVo'd it?

I'd like to commend you all on a job well done

and hope to see you at Edward and Bella's wedding next month.

Mazel!

Married?! You two are getting married?

Jacob, you knew this day was coming.

By my bronzed body.

Ah-ha.

Call off the wedding or I'll take my life.

Jacob, put the knife down.

This does not qualify as an emergency situation.

- Call it off. - Just put the knife down and we'll talk, okay?

Hey, what's up, Jacob?

How you feel about the conflict in the middle east?

You kidding me? Get the hell out of here, you asshole.

Oh, dude. Dude, I'm sorry.

My abs. My glorious abs!

To Edward and Bella!

- You have something-- - huh?

- You have something right here. - What?

You've got a goddamn booger hanging from your nose

- and it's fucking gross! - Sorry.

No measure of time with you would be long enough,

but we'll start with...

Forever.

Ah-hh!

Skytram!

It's impossible. You're pregnant?

No, you idiot.

Oh Christ.

God, it's a really bad case of the shits.

God, I knew I shouldn't have taken those stupid shrimp tacos

from that guadalajaran street vendor last night.

You're definitely pregnant, Bella.

There's only one slight inconsistency.

The results of the blood test reveal

that the baby's DNA doesn't exactly match that of Edward's.

What?

That's impossible.

Not according to science.

Well, then whose is it?

Daddy's home, bitches!