Original subtitles

♪Translation: astrogirl, shuushuuma & ♪ XQ2☻

♪ Life is so sad,

♪ I have no one to kiss,

♪ love is not easy,

♪ but I don't want to miss.

♪ Out of this world

♪ I will fly to the moon,

♪ find me somebody

♪ to hug and kiss me soon.

"Area 51" Secret US Military Base

♪ Find me somebody

♪ to hug and kiss me soon.

Was the White House informed?

No, General, the President is campaigning.

This mustn't leak, it would cause global mass-hysteria.

We imposed a news blackout.

What does the Pentagon think is it dangerous?

General, I recommend Defcon 2.

Be careful, Sir.

Oh my God!

Watcha lookin' at?

[ 300 years later ]

Regulator: Once our forefathers came from Earth to colonize Mars.

Today we return to Earth...

to annilihate its wretched inhabitants, once and for all.

Jens, my disciple, our vision has come true.

Earth is now ours.

Queen Metapha, we have no defenses left.

The attack caught us unawares.

Our fleet is destroyed.

How can that be?

They deciphered our shield access codes.

They even monitor local calls. Mars is mobilized.

Majesty, we must capitulate.

No, you can't do that!

Sorry.

The Martians will swarm over us like locusts.

Do you realise their advantage?

We can't just stick our head in the sand!

In two hours the Mars Regulator may be sitting on your throne.

There may be one last chance.

What do you mean?

Time travel.

That's irresponsible!

Time travel is forbidden!

I think we can turn a blind eye.

Please go on, Consul.

We must travel back to prevent the colonization of Mars.

And thus, prevent this war.

That's absurd!

We don't even know if humans can survive time travel.

We haven't even tested the machine.

And who would take on this task?

I was thinking... the crew of the Surprise!

Oh my God! Does it have to be them?

♪ 'Cause we're so cute and so slick and so slim and so slender

♪ We'll be Miss Waikiki!

♪ And shower to the left, And shower to the right.

♪ And don't forget the soap!

♪ One more time?

♪ And five, six, seven, eight Five, six, seven, eight

♪ And touch and push, And touch and push.

♪ And towel to the left, And towel to the right.

♪ And don't forget the willy!

♪ Dry the willy to the beat.

You can't be serious!

We have no choice. They're our last hope.

Or do we have any volunteers?

Do you mean to say that the salvation of the world...

depends on this... "crew"?

If you ask me Senator Eric...

Yeah!

We have no idea where the Surprise is.

We haven't heard from them in years.

Then we must find them.

There they are!

How'd they get so far off course?

Hail them, right away!

- They're in the asshole of the world! - Is it any wonder?

Computer log No. 1 Dreamship Surprise, Captain Cork.

It's way too chilly for this stardate.

My 40 man crew is in good shape.

Only two have the sniffles. Guenther is blackboard monitor this week.

We might run out of stamps, in five months.

We must do something about that. But, not yet.

Today we have our obligatory health check for the summer holidays.

I like having my temperature taken.

If it goes well, I'll have a nice schnitzel

with fries and ketchup, a small mixed salad

and to drink, a large *Spezi. (cola & orange soda)

Same drudgery every year!

Mr. Spook, in 2 weeks it's bathing season in Honolulu!

You need a flawless figure if you want to be Miss Waikiki!

- But it's hard on my intervertebral discs. - Since when do Vulcanettes have those?

- None of your business, you cow! - He's not even a purebred Vulcanette.

- I am so! - No, you're a mutt!

I am a Vulcanette Vulgaris.

We can live 400 years because we evolved from Galapagos turtle!

- And what are you? - I'm the captain.

- You screwed your way to the top! - What's wrong with that?

Galapagos turtle! That's why your ass is so slow!

And you have a baboon's ass!

My, oh my!

- Well? - Well? - Well?

Your check-ups are, as usual, catastrophic.

Dr. Moans speaking. What gives?

Hm... Earth wants to speak to the captain.

- I'm not here. - He's not here.

Mr. No-zey should put the answering machine on.

Hear that?... Moans out... Let's go! Get ready for the weightlessness test.

- Eugh! - Yeah!

We're having difficulties contacting the Surprise.

But you have their coordinates!

Sure, but, all we get is the answering machine.

- What? - What? - What?

We can reach them Monday to Friday from 4 to 5 pm.

Get that crew down here, our time's running out!

Yes, Sir!

What could they be doing up there?

- Nose picking and ball swinging! - Nose picking and ball swinging!

Starting today it's push ups and knee bends.

- He could do some himself. - M-hm!

Weightlessness test is now running!

♪ Schönen guten Tag ich denk an Liebe

♪ Schönen guten Tag ich...

Nothing... Those asses just won't move.

♪ Schönen guten Tag...

Oh my, what do we have here?

Better stick this somewhere safe before the captain snaps it up.

- Captain, why aren't we weightless? - Dr. Moans, why aren't we weightless?

It's all the cheesecake and chocolates! You're too fat to float!

I used to float on a team!

I was the youngest in the floating marathon.

At 12 I got my freestyle floating, badge

at 14 I won the Gold Floating Star

at the national youth floating competition in Swabia!

Stop your tooting!

I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods.

Adieu!

You know he has cellulitis?

- Eh, where? - In his quarters.

Hold on, it'll work, now.

Yeah, I'm floating!

Mr. Spook, come on up, it's lovely up here!

- It's no go. - No go; full blast, Moans!

- Is that all you got? - Yeah, really, eh!

Forget it, I can't lift that fat Vulcanette.

Hey, what's that?

The nerve of some people!

- What's going on? - Yeah, really!

- Hi! - That's mine.

- Who left his roller skates here? - That one.

Miss Bora-Bora!

Next time, no cheesecake for a week. And spit out your gum.

Mr. No-zey, sit-rep?

Ah, Captain, no offence but I have no idea what you guys are doing there (Mandarin)

Wo gan ji bian you ren zai wode wei si Yu youngle wan wode wang ji

wode wang ji jiu shi wode gong ji wode su ban ye bu ji le

Nǐ nei shì wǒ yi qì dé

Hái dì rúguǒ nǐ yě zhèyàng huái hua if you curse like that

Wǒ jiù huì fēicháng shēngqìle I will be very angry

Mr. Spook, did you understand what Mr. No-zey said?

Bora Bora stuck her tongue out at me.

OK, No-zey, that's no reason for alarm!

Ah, Captain, somethink's odd,

someone's tryink to send an emergency signal.

But it's really faint.

Emergency signal? Who'd do such a thing?

- Captain? - Careful, not too close!

The automatic control system shows a low slip-factor.

They're modulating powerful pulse vibrations to get through to us.

Yeah, so?

Shall I let them through?

Never! We can't let that happen!

Wuss-speed!

Wuss-speed!

Ah, Captain, with respect, using Wuss-speed's kinda dumb.

- Why? - The Wussy's broken.

- Good; quitting time! - Captain?

What now?

I don't know what it is...

but it's coming directly at us.

Oh, it's insane, so much stress!

- Read it. - Yeah.

Red alert?!

"Set course for Earth immediately."

"Report promptly to the leadership."

Nix that! We'll stick to training for the Miss Waikiki contest.

We must set priorities, right Mr. Spook?

- Ah, Captain? - What gives, Popovich?

Disobeyink an order can get your shore leave cancelled.

Majesty, we got a response from the Surprise.

Finally. What do they say?

"Need anything from the Gas 'n Go?"

- What do they mean by 'Gas 'n Go'? - Perhaps it's in code.

When will they get here? We have less than an hour!

On Wuss-speed it'd take 20 minutes, Sir.

But there's a problem.

- What problem? - They've got Wussy problems.

I understand. I've had treatments for it myself.

I hope they don't try to beam.

At that distance they wouldn't survive.

Prepare to beam!

- Activate! - Activate!

To beam or not to beam the light will show you the spot!

Shoo!

- Snotty, are you crazy? - Mutiny!

- In Honolulu you'll sleep in a single room! - Yeah, really!

It happens on Economy beaming.

Economy?! Are you nuts? I'm the captain! Beam me Business class!

For Business, the battery's too weak.

Silly cow probably left the lights on again.

Shh, here he is.

Aha! Out with it.

- What is that? - Friendship rings.

From a D.A. I befriended. And I'll say no more.

Hey!

What do we have in our pants?

- None of your business. - Pants down.

- PANTS DOWN! - Yea-hah!

- Radiation protection. - What for?

- Beaming always gets on my balls. - Captain, I can't work like this!

Fine, YOU pay for the taxi!

What have you to report?

Hang on to your hair, Regulator!

Madam Metapha has a crazy bombastic plan!

The plan is...

The Plan is...

the plan...

OK, forgot plan.

Sorry, Regulator-man! Listen...

I write information on paper and call you back later. Ok?

Walkie talkie, man!

What was that? Since when do amateurs work for my empire?

My Regulator, he was on special offer at Rent-a-Spy.

We got this free cactus, too.

I can send the spy back.

Do that. But keep the cactus.

Yes, master.

Jens, my disciple, I have a mission for you.

What?

Find out what those Earth-worms are planning,

so I can finally crush them.

Ah, crushing is good!

Donate for our ship's beautification. Donate for our ship's beautification.

Donate for our ship's beautification.

- Donate for our ship's beautification! - Alright, already!

Give her something.

Thanks. Save the whales! Find Nemo!

- Got your passport? - Sure.

- Closed the window? - Yeah, I even pulled the shades.

I told you not to do that. Everyone'll know we're not home!

- Still arguing? - Go away.

- There's something on you head. - It's my travelling hat.

- Why do you need a travelling hat? - If I'm paying the taxi, I'm coming too.

And what's that?

Jutta, my reading lamp. It saved my life once.

Oh god, what a clunker!

- Always on the cheap, hm? - 'I' like it.

Did you order a taxi?

I did. Me. It was all my idea!

OK, which of you boys wanna ride in the rear?

- Me! - Me! - Me!

I want the window!

- Say, are you flushed? - What?

- You got the hots for him. - No, I don't.

- Oh, let him flirt a little. - Shut up and look out the window.

- So, where to? - Earth. City of Government.

- Oops, that'll be the higher tariff! - Why?

Right now, it's easier to do laser eye surgery in an earthquake

than to get there in one piece.

There's constant heavy artillery bombardment.

Oh, yeah, parachutes and life vests

are somewhere under your seats.

Maybe we should get out.

He's exaggerating his own importance.

No problem, fly on.

I'm expected by the leadership.

My name is Captain Cork; Capricorn.

And I'm Hermes, Messenger of the Gods.

And what is your name?

- My name's Rock. - Soft or Hard Rock? (Kuschel)

Hold on tight, we're off!

- Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah!

OK, ladies, you can now buy duty-free. Music, anyone?

- 'Course! - 'Course! - 'Course!

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

Come on.

♪ Fire salamander (So hot!)

♪ Spread your legs wider (Check it out!)

♪ Now close your legs again And out you go!

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ ... to the sky.

♪ High, High...

What's the commotion?

OK, girls, party's over.

I'll report that old sow! Snotty, get the number!

Anyone got an ink eraser?

Why did I take it to the carwash yesterday?

Aah, stop it, now!

I'm getting stress acne!

Blow slowly, girls, or you'll get dizzy.

OK, now we have a real problem.

This is your captain speaking. Don't be alarmed at the shaking.

We lost our shields, one thruster's down and the plasma tank is leaking.

I noticed that, too. Your taxi's generally in poor sh....

Sit down, man!

At the roundabout, take a sharp 'retch'

You are approaching the exit.

- Thank God! - Thank God! - Thank God!

In 500 metres, turn right.

Now's a bad time!

We shoulda turned right!

C'mon, baby, don't leave me hanging!

Aahh!

- Could you cut the air conditioner? - Could you shut your yap?

If possible, please turn back. - Good idea.

Please wait.

Please hold the line.

Aah!

Aaahh!

You are nearing your destination.

Insalata mista, baby! (Mixed salad)

Don't be foolish. Your city is surrounded.

My Combat-cakes squadron will be operational in a few minutes.

If you haven't signed the unconditional surrender by then

I will annihilate you for all time.

It's futile. We must capitulate while we still have the chance.

You're right, we can't wait any longer for the crew of the Surprise.

That must be them!

Hiya! Is the cheesecake ready?

Inform the Queen, at once!

It was in style, then.

- I can't read that. - Rock.

- Rock what? - Rock Stone-Doud

Why Stoned-Out?

My ex-wife's Stone. I'm Doud: Rock Stone-Doud, that's all.

Thank you, Mr. Stoned-Out. You've done a great service.

Wait a moment, man! Who'll pay for my damages?

- A lick of paint, it'll be like new. - Yeah, Pink Camouflage!

What?! That's a 45 Space Cruiser, lowrider with carbon hydrants,

and trace elements of Burmese titanium!

It accelerates to twice light-speed in less than 1.5 seconds!

Such a machine cannot be painted, Pink Camouflage!

Be reasonable, Mr. Stoned-Out.

We have other problems.

Oh, yeah? Your problems don't interest me!

All I know is my taxi's turned into a goddam scrap-heap

just to bring you these three bar-sluts!

Oh! I bet he's so, tiny.

OK, it's so simple: you boys pay for my damages and I'm outta here.

Until then...

I'll sit right here, on this chair.

I dunno about you, but I could use a coffee, now.

♪ Right now

♪ I wanna tell you something

♪ It's that my love is so strong for you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I wanna make love to you

♪ I want you to want me to

♪ Come on, let's get it on

♪ Let's make a baby

♪ I don't wanna tell no lie

♪ I'm here for you to satisfy

♪ So then let's get it on

♪ Come on and let's make a baby tonight

♪ Let's make a baby

♪ tonight

- Chocolate? - Nooo!

- "The Manly Chocolate from Rosetto". - "The brand with the Rosetto-Moor".

I'm...

not yet ready.

- Who is that? - A taxi driver, whom we owe money.

Our speaker, now, is the...

Chairman of Earth's Intercontinental Security Council.

Majesty...

esteemed Senators,

300 years ago, on July 22, 2004 at 17:35 pm,

a UFO crashed in the Nevada desert.

In this UFO, scientists found information from a galaxy far, far away.

That knowledge enabled mankind to colonize Mars.

We could prevent the colonization of Mars and thus, this war,

by travelling to the year 2004

and destroying the UFO.

But how can the UFO be fully destroyed?

With this Swiss Army pocket-laser!

Excuse me,

what do you do for fun, here evenings?

Captain?

Yeah, right, absolutely! That's how I'd do it. - Good.

Then, you'll carry out this mission. - What?!

- This oughta be good! - Us? No way! - No way!

- Totally impossible! - We don't have the time.

We must prepare for the Miss Waikiki contest.

If you refuse this mission, there won't be a Miss Waikiki contest, ever!

Bring on the time machine!

- Snotty, Spook, follow me. - I want the window seat.

Shouldn't we tell them the machine hasn't been tested? - Shh, tsk, tsk...

Captain... you are our last hope.

Last hope?! I'd rather send a monkey.

SPCA wouldn't let us.

Put on these goggles. Time travel is hard on the eyes.

The ignition key activates the machine.

Input your coordinates to set time and place.

Stop it or we'll leave you here!

Confirm your inputs with the green knob.

This button activates the countdown. The rest is in this book.

If you lose this, you'll never get back. And please don't waste energy.

- The user-manual! - Snotty, we can't take you anywhere!

I'll get it quick!

Sir Mars Regulator is attacking with his whole Combat-cake squadron.

All exits are blocked!

- We must get you to a safe place. - But I can't leave...

No choice. Get on the time machine!

I'm staying here until you pay for my damages!

- Senator! - Majesty?

There's something you should know.

What is it?

I forgot my bra.

- Here. Take mine. - Thank you!

It's okay.

Press the start button!

I got it!

Snotty, get over here!

Think I'll find a better place to sit.

Yay, here we go!

Snotty!

That will have bitter consequences! - Aww!

- What are you doing here? - I wonder, too.

- You're screwing everything up! - I wish!

- Is the seat warmer on? - No, I was just sitting there.

Mr. Snotty's sneaking off! Definitely a single room, in Honolulu!

Hold tight, people. Goggles on!

- So glad to see you, Lord Maul. - Slime ball!

What's that?

"The Manly Bitter-Chocolate from Rosetto. The brand with the Rosetto-Moor."

- Thank you. Kick off! - Yessir.

The Earth Alliance Government Building was successfully taken over. - Excellent.

All politicians are locked in the utility room. - Extraordinary!

But Queen Metapha escaped in the time machine.

What? You should be more vigilant, asshole!

Yes, certainly.

But we were able to seize the time machine's manual.

Goooood!

I'm going to make a phone call.

Wow!

- The time machine works! - Unbelievable!

- Now we can... - Prevent my wedding! - What?

We could go to an Elvis concert!

The world is on the brink of disaster and you think of Elvis?

Oh, I was just dreaming of football.

I dreamed I was a pastry chef

and I moulded a man-on-man defender out of marzipan.

Then, I stuck a lucky penny on him

and put him next to the tarts in the shop window.

- What country did you input? - I didn't input anything.

Captain, get up. Look, a pony!

Where are we?

We're in a petting zoo!

Dammit!

Oh my, rowdies everywhere!

22nd of July, 1304.

Yeah, right... close.

- That was some fine navigating! - I didn't do anything at all.

Then, it's time you did.

Keep calm, Princess. We'll soon be on our way.

My dear Romans,

we came from the future to save the world!

Come on, Spooky, take a photo.

Say cheeeeeese cake!

Sorcery! Get them!

I'm outta here!

Not good!

Who is he?

- Who? - Him!

Ah, I see. WHO IS HE?

Speak, you mangy son of a bitch!

What did you do to the woman?

Tell me, is he of noble lineage?

My name is Til Schweiger, I work as an actor to earn money.

Not much, just enough for a 2 week vacation each year.

What do YOU do all day, throne farter?

My Lord, he's lying.

This man is certainly no actor.

But he has guts.

I'm told he's a superb fighter.

There's an important tournament tomorrow.

My honor is at stake and my best rider

was run over by a crusade last week. Nasty things!

I'd put up warning signs, then.

Do we have warning signs?

No, Sire, but Maid Andrea has some spare crosses.

Yeah? Put up Andrea's Crosses!* (Andrea Kreuzer?)

Hey, great idea! Can I go now?

Because of him my subsitute rider fell off his horse.

So, he will have to win the tournament for me tomorrow.

If he succeeds, he is free.

If not, he and his retinue will die

and the woman is mine. Cheers!

But Sire!...

Only men of noble blood may take part in the competition.

That's right.

I hereby dub thee Sir Knight Rider from...

from Behind.

Regulator, those swine have gone to the past

to wipe out our existence.

This is bad news.

Yeah, sure. But I also have good news.

Speak.

In this book are the instructions for the time machine.

I converted my mo-ped into one.

And does it work?

And how, Master! Here's the proof.

I already got tomorrow's paper

Regulator Snaps Up Earth!

Four-eyes Executed for High Treason With Frying Pan. Poor sod!

They write nothing about me.

For this to come true you must stop them!

Can you follow their time-route?

You bet.. I'll sniff them out with my Sniff-radar.

- Jens! - Master?

There's another thing you should know.

What?

Thirty years, or so, ago came a baby we all know

Without a sock, without a shoe. My dear Jens, that was you.

I don't follow my Regulator.

I... am your father!

Hiya, pappy. Leave it to me. Bye-ski!

Jawohl!

Aah!

♪ [Klaxon: La cucaracha]

♪

The Duchess' dress suits you to a T, by the way, Milady.

She wore it just yesterday while making out with the jester.

- You have a wife? - Had.

- Where is she now? - Hanging outside.

You hanged her outside? Why?

No gallows indoors, unfortunately.

Uhuh?

Two No. 33 pizzas for William the Last!

To the Knight Rider of Behinds, cheers!

Aaahh!

Aaahh!

- What's your sign? - Huh?

Your zodiac. You must have a star sign.

- Err.. Virgo. - A virgin!

- A virgin? - Where? - Finally! Bring her here!

- No me! - I was here longer!

SHUT UP!

Virgo is very compatible with the Brimstone Butterfly.

- That's no star sign. - Sure it is...

in the Vulcanette horoscope. I happen to be a Brimstone.

We only have insects in our zodiac. Housefly, Tse-Tse-fly

Blowfly, Mayfly... or the Wasp!

- Shall I show you my ascendant? - No, leave it where it is.

- Show it to your boyfriend. - What? He's not my boyfriend.

He's just my captain. Without me he'd be totally lost.

- Besides, he has no idea what women want. - Neither do I. A guy has to be handsome...

Looks are not that important. Humor is what you need.

I have it! A doctor tells his patient: I have good and bad news.

The good news is, you have one day to live.

The bad news is, I forgot to tell you yesterday.

- Forgot... yesterday. - Yeah.

Not bad.

You wanna know the magic question that'll melt any woman's heart?

Do you want to go shopping with me?

Shopping?

And I always thought women had a thing for men who play the piano.

♪ Baby, I'm strollin' on top of the sky.

Baby, I'm strollin' on top of the sky.

♪ Why don't you, don't you, don't you,

♪ Baby, come along with me?

♪ Why don't you come along with me?

For me an open marriage would do just fine.

I'd never marry again. My ex took everything.

My house, my dog, my job.

Even my hole-punch.

Oh my, you can't file anything!

Oh well... Let me show you something. Here!

My little pink pal; he's all I have left.

My, you are a little piggy!

- Can I touch it? - Sure.

- Oh my, it's all shrivelled up! - Well, it hasn't been out for ages.

- Yeah, I can see that. - Come on, squeeze it.

- I want one all to myself! - Come on, squeeze it harder.

My, what's it doing? Oh, where is it? Oh, there it is!

I don't want to make it pop.

Oh, it won't pop! Not even when my dog used to chew it.

The joust!

Two knights try to knock each other off their saddles with a lance.

If your friend hits the ground, he loses and we'll be married today.

I don't think you'd be good together.

- What? - How'd you sleep last night?

Not a wink.

Yes, can I imagine.

- What's that on your foot? - A shoe.

Where did you get it?

Last night my room mate had his leg chopped off for no reason.

I felt sorry and bought his shoe.

- Shut up, you witches! - Witch, youself!

My worthy Lords, worthy Ladies, worthy rabble!

Our patronizing host is delighted you all showed up

A big hand for Duke William the Last of Shareholding!

Worthy Lords, worthy Ladies

The 4th son of Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle,

Third Count of Yorkshire Forest Wooden-Lancester-Puddingham...

- It's Pettingham, you idiot! - Eugh... yeah!

The 4th son of Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle,

Third Count of Yorkshire Forest Wooden-Lancester-"Pettingham",

Sir Richard Carsharing...

cannot join us today.

Yeah, yeah, the plague. But, filling in at short notice...

the mysterious Black Knight!

Facing him, under the crest of Duke William the Last

the Pink Knight Rider of Behinds!

I worked on that outfit all night, but it was worth it.

Got a screw loose, huh?

- Jens Maull! - Yes indeed!

I'll defeat the Pink Knight Rider of Behinds, for you.

Hyaah, faster you swine!

- You must cancel the tournament! - Too late.

If you're at all interested, Mr. Spook, I'm not well.

I've had to go potty since last night, but they don't even have toilet paper.

Easy, you swine!

Yaaah!

Hold your lance higher, Rocky!

You have the hots. - No! - You called him, Rocky!

Please believe me, if the Black Knight wins we're doomed!

- It's not the end of the world, Milady. - You have no idea!

Alright!

- I can't take it anymore, Mr. Spook! - Me neither. That poor lovely outfit!

My bladder's about to explode and you act like a halibut in heat!

Rock!

- Didn't hurt at all. - Think about our future!

Don't worry, princess. I'll do this for you.

One more stroke of the lance Separates me from your underpants, Milady

Since your knob lacks vigor and vim Taboo, for you, shall be my quim.

♪ Put your Lanze in the air, and rock it like you just don't care!

♪ Everybody say, oh yeahl Oh yeah!

♪ They asked me how I knew

♪ My true love was true.

♪ Ohh!

♪ I of course replied,

♪ "Something here inside

♪ cannot be denied.

Jawohl! Yeah!

Yeah, let's get married! Where's the priest?

Jawohl! Hey, don't touch! Hands off!

- What are you up to? - A little fireworks for our wedding.

Oh, I know how you feel. I fell off my bunk bed when I was a kid.

Excuse me, he's lying on my bladder.

- Hey, wait! - What?

Oh Willy! Wanna make me happy?

Yeah, definitely!

Jawohl! Higher, you swine!

- I'm ready, Willy-Boy. - Oh, yeah, that's good.

A little closer, my dear.

They're getting away! Put me down, assholes!

What a picture!

Stop!

- Come on baby, where's the cheesecake? - Here!

Cheeeeese cake!

Oh shit!

- They're gone! - William is a sorcerer.

- Burn him! - YEAH!

So, now I'm off to paradise because I loved a pair o' thighs.

What happened?

You were unconscious. But we're here.

- Hey, stop pulling! - Whizz, whizz, pee-pee!

- Oh, look at that! - Oh thank God!

- Hurry, will you? - Yeah. Look, someone forgot his pants.

Harrngh! Man, it's heavy!

The wardrobe goes up in the bedroom.

Careful, this is our new sheriff's furniture.

- By tomorrow, it all has to be perfect. - Sure thing, Mayor.

Oh, careful!

I was dreaming about soccer.

I was a man-on-man defender made of marzipan.

Someone stuck a lucky penny to my head

and put me next to the tarts in the shop window.

- Who did that? - Some gay pastry chef.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Where are the other two? - Peeing.

Oh, that was close!

I wouldn't wish such a full bladder on Miss Bora-Bora.

I shouldn't eat so much asparagus. So, how do I look?

- I find this outfit totally old fashioned. - Poppycock! Old fashioned?

In local dress, at least we won't stand out. - You're jingling.

I have a world to save! Watch, this is how you move in Nevada.

Shoulders up, let your hips sway.

Imagine, figure skating, and don't forget to breathe.

You try it.

Forget it!

(Sniff!)

Ah, fresh asparagus tea!

It's still warm!

- Spooky. - I can't do this now.

- How far down is it? - I don't know.

- Then, please look. - I can't.

It's Nevada alright, but at the wrong time.

Can you fix the time machine?

- How, without the manual? - What do we do now?

First we find the girls.

I have a funny feeling, they're around here, somewhere.

For the last time, Mr. Spook how far down is it?

- Forget it! - Aha! Being rebellious, now?

- It's the bad influence of that guy Rock! - You're just jealous! - Hah!

- Be careful, OK? - Hey! The princess is worried about me.

- What do you mean by that? - When a woman worries about a man...

I worry about our mission.

Oh, yeah? I worry about my taxi and the money you owe me.

What?

- We're stuck here without the time sofa! - You shoulda been more careful.

- Oh, so it's my fault? - I was unconscious. - That's so typical!

You have a jealous streak!

Look down, or I'll tell Rock that you have a green testicle.

Ohh! You tyrant!

Don't forget, I risked my neck for you!

Risk?! You kicked a leather ball in my face!

Without me, you'd be grilling on that pyre!

- Good morning. - 'Morning.

- Do you have a boyfriend? - What? - So you don't.

I'll tell you something. You want me.

This is not about you, got it?

Excuse me, can I have my sports section?

Mayor Roony!

Wrong!... To the left!

Mayor Roony!

A telegram from Roswell! It's horrible!

God help us!

The old sheriff is not yet cold...

and they're already coming back to town!

On the 12 o'clock train.

- They're baaack! - They're baaack!

♪ [Straight To Hell: Rage]

♪

♪ Straight to Hell

♪ ♪

- You have your mother's flabby ass! - This is the last time I'm taking you anywhere.

I'm never going out with you again.

So what? There are plenty of people who'd love to go out with me!

Who, your ridiculous 'Rock'-a-bye-baby?

Yeah! Our knees touched, and I got the feeling he wanted it too.

Don't smirk, maybe next year I'll go on vacation with him to Mykonos!

Hah! You're not getting any time off, from me.

Sheriff Shorty? I thought you were coming tomorrow. Anyway, good luck!

You're taller than I expected.

Which one is the sheriff?

The one with the star, Jim.

- Then I'll save the world without you. - Forget it, you can't!

- I can, too! - Can not! - Can, too! - Can not!

- Can, too! - Can not! - Can, too! - Can not!

I don't believe this.

You can't, I have the Swiss pocket-laser.

Vulcanette hussy!

Hey, are you nuts?

Shorty's not as short as I recall.

Well, it's been 10 years, no? He's probably grown.

Ahh!...

Crap!

Game over! Pappy will be delighted.

He's got a moped!

Oh no, not again.

Hyaah!

Ohh... shit!

What's wrong?

Ooo... Get a move on, you asshole!

John, you get rid of the sheriff.

Jim, wash your hands and get in the Saloon.

Sorry, Johnny, I can't stay out to play.

It's all right. I found two new playmates already.

- Wipe your feet - Yeah, boss. - John, you have ten minutes.

We still need to sell a pub to the Apaches today.

- We come from... - Peaceful Village!

We are peace-loving Village People.

Ladies and Señoritas!

From Medicine Bow, Wyoming, it's your host tonight: Mr. Santa Maria!

- Isn't he gorgeous? - I'm your biggest fan!

Ladies, welcome to "Santa at Noon"! My guest, today, is Jim.

Hello, Jim.

- Jim, what did you bring us today? - Rheumatism blankets, boss.

Isn't that fantastic!

♪ Schnuffi-Puffi... (Buy one, get one free)

♪ Schnuffi-Puffi... (Schnuffi-Puffi)

♪ Schnuffi-Puffi, and your wild ride's going on!

Now on sale!

- I think he has the hots for you. - Eh? - M-hm!

C'mon... Draw!

What?

He means your pistol.

It's his first time.

Oh look, thanks!

- I can't get it out. - Now you know what it's like!

- You alright, captain? - Yes, but...

- Where's Rock? - I can't stand hearing that name!

Anybody order a taxi?

- Thank God, he's here! - Thank God, he's here!

Nya-nya, nya-nya!

- You're a real hero. - I know.

But boss, we don't drink champagne.

But the Apache chief does.

Oh! Someone's laid out there!

Yeah, that's my John!

My Regulator. Your shuttle to Earth is ready.

- Has Lord Maul reported back yet? - No, my Regulator!

But we apprehended this man. He was pretending to mow the lawn.

He belongs to the special unit that fled in the time machine.

Interesting. He can surely tell us something about their plans.

I'm not saying anything.

I already lost my reading lamp in this war.

It can't get any worse!

Then, I can't do anything for you. You fool!

Hermes!

Send out a press release:

Four-eyes executed for high treason, with frying pan.

Yessir, Regulator.

We have conquered Earth. The Age of Darkness has begun.

I think this is our turn-off!

I've no idea how how to slow this thing down!

JUMP!

Oh, great, my ears are all full of sand!

No wonder, with those dish antennas of yours.

- You alright, Princess? - I think so.

Better.

That's our sofa! Why is it smoking?

Now, hold on! What are you doing with our sofa?

It's not a toy!

Look at the shape it's in! It's totally filthy!

Do you even know who I am?

My name is Juergen Thorsten Cork, captain of the Dreamship Surprise.

I'm responsible for this sofa and my 40 man crew.

And it's not easy to manage!

Arf!

He re-built the time sofa.

Now, you!

Okay!

You...

It's you, again...

- What is that? - A corkscrew.

A magnifying glass.

Oh, no!

Your time is up!

The UFO!

Time for me to quit, I bid you, 'shit!'

Rock!

Do you want to...

Want to go shopping with me?

Yes I do!

So, Mr. Spook seems his hots for you have cooled.

Yeah but, I can still keep him on the back burner.

- There's something you should know. - What is it?

I...

- I'm lousy in bed. - Oh Rocky, me too!

- Oh, my, how cute! - Careful, Mr. Spook, it might bite.

- Think I'll talk to him. - M-hm!

- Hello, stranger! - Huh?

You friend or foe?

- Ah! - Ah!

- A friend! - A friend!

- I think the poor thing caught a cold. - We'll fix that in a jiffy.

Who's a good boy, then, eh?

- Now you wrecked it, you dumb cow! - Not wrecked enough, I'm afraid.

We did it!

That's it? This'll change the world?

Yeah, often the smallest things have the biggest effect.

Don't know about you, but, I'm pretty damned homesick.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

I wonder what awaits us at home.

Hopefully a fresh cheese cake in Honolulu, huh Spooky?

There's not enough energy.

- Overload. - Overload?

- We're too heavy. - What?!

We'll make 200 years, tops. We're 76.375 kg over.

- Oh no! - What do you weigh? - 54 kg.

My beach weight's 75 kg.

I'm 73.

What about you, Spooky?

Tell us your weight.

76 kilos, 375 grams.

Spooky?

Dr. Moans was right, I'm just too fat.

Thanks for everything.

They found us.

Here... whenever you're lonely...

just squeeze it.

Don't go!

You must go now.

How can I, without you? I'd rather stay here too.

No, you must go to the Miss Waikiki contest.

Spooky...

I'll always be with you, captain.

You're the bravest Vulcanette in the whole world!

"Live long and prosper".

We must go.

And you expect us to buy that story?

M-hm!

So you're a time traveller.

M-hm!

And you come from the year 2304...

to save the world.

M-hm!

What do you think, Mr. Oilfeld?

Mmm...

- Sir, he's telling the truth. - Are you sure, Mr. Cornfeld?

Yes, Mr. Wheatfeld. The lie detector confirms it.

He can fool us but not the machine.

Please, Mrs. Ricefeld.

Mr. Spook, your story seems so...

- unbelievable. - You can say that again!

Can you prove you're from the future?

What the hell is that?

Oh my, I'd totally forgotten about that!

I've never seen anything like it!

- It vibrates when it gets hot. - Yes, General.

- A vibrating thermometer. - That's the proof.

This man does come from the future!

What is that?

Surprise!

- Welcome home, captain. - What?

This is impossible. You were just... I mean, you were...

- How are you still alive? - I told you but, you never believed me.

Galapagos turtle!

Yesterday was my 335th birthday.

Three hun...? You haven't changed a bit!

No grey hair, no cellulite in your face. Nothing!

Yeah, it wasn't cheap.

You waited 300 years, for me?

M-hm. I made good use of my time. Look.

Isn't it wonderful?

How did you do that, Spooky?

I sold our cheesecake recipe to McDonald's.

Oi!

Computer log no. 1 of the Dreamship Surprise: Captain Cork.

We saved the world again.

By destroying the UFO in 2004 we changed the future.

Mars was never colonized,

and Mr. Spook redecorated the Earth a little, over the last 300 years.

Nothing can stop us now!

♪ 'Cause we're so cute and so slick

♪ and so slim and so slender We'll be Miss Waikiki!

♪ And shower to the left. And shower to the right.

♪ And don't forget the soap! One more time?

♪ And five, six, seven, eight Five, six, seven, eight

♪ And touch and push. And touch and push.

♪ And towel to the left. And towel to the right.

♪ And don't forget the willy! Dry the willy to the beat.

Leave it to me, pappy.

♪Translation: astrogirl, shuushuuma & ♪ XQ2☻

I'm a Vulcanette Vulgaris. We can live 400 years because we evolved

from Galapapago...

I'm a...

This thing farts!

Sure. I'll snaff them out with my snaffledidap.

Yeah!

- Klaus Kinski? - Yes. I'm floating. Come up.

Sure, Popsh. Leave 'dish' to me. shshshsh...

- I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods. - And whahamaminib?

The swine travelled to the past to our-er-erara...

Rrrrrr! Rrrrrr! I miss my moped.

- I used to float 'for' a team! - 'On' a team?

I was the youngest in the floating marathon. At 12 I shwai.. washwei... shwe....

shwiba... hi y'all!

At 12, I got my freestyle floating, badge.

at 14, I won the Federal Floating Gold Cross - Federal Cross?

- Get away with that flute! - I am Hermes, messenger of the Gods!

He stuck his flute in my face.

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

Come on.

♪ Fire salamander (So hot!)

♪ Spread your legs wider (Check it out!)

♪ Now close your legs again And out you go!

♪ High, High, High-Ti-Tigh,

♪ Space-Taxi to the sky.

I...

I forgot to pack my bra.

Here... Take mi...

William is a sorcerer!

Mouth full. Sorry!

Do you want to make me happy?

Yeah, definitely!

My nose up with her toungue!

Sir Further-Winston-Fattenberry of West Firstwhistle-Minster-Shatwood Castle,

Third Count of...

Fuck!

Fuck, hey!

There are plenty of people who'd luff...

There are plenty of people who'd luff...

There are plenty of people who'd luff... sorry!

There are plenty...

Woof!

Arf!

Do you know who you're dealing with? Captain Juergen Thorsten Cork from the

Planet of the Apes. Sorry.

Bring me a Quattro Staggioni, got that?

And turn off the shitty music. Dr. Moans out!

Now, be honest, Spooky. Weren't you insanely bored

these last 300 years, without me?

Well, I took some naps...

- visited my relatives - Oh, that's nice.

- I also did my tax return. - Yes, that's important.

And then in 2068 ...

I won bronze at the Olympic Games in women's team showering.

Go on, really?! Our Spooky always was a jock-ette!

Snotty, what gives?

Captain, I beamed someone up. He wants to join us!

Send him up. He'll get some cheesecake, too!

Aye aye, my captain!

Oh, I'm so curious!

Come in, if you're not a taxi driver!

- Hi y'all! - Voilá! Do you need a pearl diver?

Fascinating!