Original subtitles

Thanks for the ride home from the mall, Steven.

Sure, any time.

I mean, anytime you're at the mall.

Because, otherwise, how could I drive you home from there?

Oh, great point, and I love... points.

Well, that movie was fun.

- Yeah. - So, uh, this is off topic,

but, um, could I kiss you?

Uh, yeah, big time.

Oh, no! Are you okay, Judy?

- Uh... - Do you need some help?

No, no, I'm all set.

I just wanted to lie on the ground

and gather my thoughts about the evening.

I‐‐ Yeah, okay, I guess I'll, I'll just, I'll just go.

Oh, sounds good.

So just have a great year.

Or keep in touch, actually, is what I meant to say.

- Or stay in school. - Okay.

Uh, bye?

Judy tootie, fresh and fruity, how's it dangling?

That is a very fun new greeting,

imaginary best friend Alanis Morissette.

I'm just gonna dive right in here

with how it is actually dangling.

Is this about the big group movie date you went on tonight?

Yes. Did you happen to see me maybe...

Fall off the porch when Steven Huang tried to kiss you?

And then pretend that you like laying on the ground?

And then say "stay in school"?

- So you saw? - I saw.

It started out so great.

You see, on the group date, Steven and I went in together‐‐

financially‐‐ on a plus‐size movie treat.

Does anyone want to share a jumbo Minty Mints?

I do.

Oh!

Due to our mint‐sharing agreement, Steven and I

had to sit next to each other and the next thing you know,

there were a... more than usual number

- of fingers in that box. - I'm not sure you know

what you're saying, Judy, but continue.

Plus he wears cologne

like a young millionaire,

and it makes him smell like...

like if a hamburger went ahead

and just took a bath.

So my senses were...

- overwhelmed, you get it. - Overwhelmed, I get it.

But then when he went in for the big K‐I‐S‐S,

I just couldn't do it because of, because of‐‐

- The incident? - Yes, the incident.

Let me paint a picture for you.

- Oh, good, the story again. - There I was,

standing near my locker with my seventh grade

boyfriend, Anderson Guffstafsen.

Two sweet, crazy tweens

unaware of the tragedy that was about to befall them.

The hallway cleared, Anderson leaned in for a kiss,

But just then, a breeze blew through,

and a bunch of his gorgeous blond hair

blew right into my mouth.

It was my first kiss‐‐ I didn't know

what I was feeling and I thought

that's what Frenching felt like.

I mean, it's France, so I just kept kissing.

And then I realized his hair was lodged in my braces.

And when I say "lodged," I mean

"lodged" ‐‐ we had to walk to the nurse's office like that!

It was the longest walk of my life.

Teachers let kids come out of the classrooms to gawk.

The school nurse had to cut Anderson's beautiful

locks out of my mouth.

And then the dentist had to temporarily

remove my braces to get the rest of the hair out!

Sure, I got two prizes when it was all over.

A bouncy ball and a plastic spider ring

that would also get caught in my braces months later.

But Anderson and I both decided

that it was best to go our separate ways

and I haven't been able to kiss anyone since.

- Huh. - What do you mean, "huh"?

Well, I know that story's why you say

you haven't kissed anyone since,

but don't you think that maybe your tendency

to avoid relationships is, I don't know, genetic?

- What?! - I'm just saying your dad

has dated anyone since your mom left.

Well, yeah, but that was pretty recently very many years ago.

And for a long time, he pretended she was dead

so he wouldn't have to get back out there.

Well, he stopped doing that now.

And how many dates has he been on since he stopped pretending?

Mm, well, that would be zero, Alanis,

and I feel like you knew that and that was a gotcha question.

See, he let one bad experience

prevent him from ever trying to find love again.

And now here you are doing pretty much

- the same thing, right? - Uh, well...

I mean, not kissing anyone sounds like a great way

to never get hurt and then die alone

clutching a photograph of someone you never kissed.

Oh, God, I don't want Dad to die alone like that!

I was talking more about you, but...

No, you're right. I got to get going

- on fixing my dad right away. - Okay.

Dumb Alanis, my dad isn't gonna die alone.

My dad's gonna die accompanied. Oh, hey, Moon.

- Hey, Judy. - Uh, what are you doing?

I'm capturing a flightless ruffed grouse

to teach it how to fly and then re‐release it into the wild.

- What are you doing? - Storming over to Wolf's

to talk to him about Dad's love life.

- Good luck. - And to you, my friend.

Uh‐oh, looks like somebody

- wants in on Fonzarella Night. - What?

Oh, Fonzarella Night, yeah.

We watch a Henry Winkler movie and make mozzarella sticks.

Tonight it's You Don't Mess with the Zohan.

He plays "Uncredited Limousine Passenger,"

but he still steals the movie out from under Sandler, IMHO.

Wolf, I need to talk to you urgently about Dad.

You had me at Dad.

Everyone, this is Timothy.

Please note that he is not a pet or food.

I'm teaching him to fly.

Oh, maybe I can help you.

I also cannot fly,

so I totally get what he's going through.

No offense, Moon, personally, I don't care for birds.

I always catch them peaking in my windows.

Stop peaking, birds. This isn't for you.

Yeah, it's for her, birds.

A woman's body is her own dominion.

Eyes to yourself, Timothy. Don't look at my dominion.

Okay, so family meeting.

Little dawn download requested by our only sister Judy.

Juderonomous, you've the floor.

It has come to my attention

via a friend of mine who definitely exists here on Earth

and is a real person that Dad has not been on any dates

since admitting that Mom left him.

And he is at serious risk of dying alone,

clutching a women he carved out of a tree stump.

- Aren't we all? - So I was thinking we should

give him a little push just to, you know,

- get him back out there. - And I realize that there's

a "Meet and Meat" singles mixer tomorrow night

at the Russian Bar that'd be perfect

for meeting some Lone Moose ladies.

Now, why is it called a "Meet and Meat"?

Oh, because they also raffle off

a bunch of meat from local hunters.

I used to go to it sometimes

when I was an eligible bachelor.

Never met anyone, but one time I won

14 caribou steaks.

Lost 'em on the way home, but what a thrill.

I printed out a flier for it from their website

using our old printer.

It only took 45 minutes,

and you can read two‐thirds of it.

- Dope. - Oh, boy, Dad's gonna hate this.

Don't you think we should just let him

meet someone on his own?

Like when Harry met, you know, what's it called?

- Sally. - No, the Hendersons,

and they all fell in love.

Guys, I think we ought to support Judy here,

and by doing that, support Dad.

We should go, too. I'm taken,

but I'd love to win some bacon.

You got it, my sausage sweetie.

Great idea. We can all go. And as a bargaining chip,

Wolf and I thought we could promise Dad, in exchange,

- the one thing he's always wanted. - You don't mean...

Yeah, I do mean. I'm talking about

the whole family taking the Chain Saw Basics

workshop series being offered at the public library.

‐ ‐Hear us out.

Guys, it's only four Saturdays. Eight hours each day.

Well, we've avoided it for years,

but if that's what it takes to stop Dad from dying alone,

- then stick a fork in me,

'cause I'm a chain saw. - Great.

Oh, God, here he comes. Everyone act casual.

What's going on? Is it the apocalypse?

No one panic, we have 500 years' worth of rice,

and two Calvin and Hobbes books in the basement.

No, it's even better than that, if you can believe it.

Dad, it's time for you to get back on the horse

and ride that horse to the barn and meet women

at the Meet and Meat singles mixer this weekend.

Oh, I didn't tell you guys?

I'm actually off to Hawaii for a work trip.

- You get it, you get it. - Uh‐oh, code Dad.

- Grab him, quick! - He's on the move!

Children, sorry that I tried to run away, and you were forced

to wrestle me to the ground and then sit on me

for 15 minutes while I fought you like a wild bear.

It's no problem, Dad.

We'll wrestle you to the ground any day, and I mean that.

So, if I go tomorrow and attempt to,

as the teens say, "meet people,"

you will really all seriously attend

the Chain Saw Basics workshop with me?

Yep. That's what we said, and that's what we meant.

You have my word.

You can also have this word: pineapple.

I've asked you to do that so many times.

It's literally all I've ever wanted.

And now it's all we've ever wanted.

32 hours with our family and our chain saws.

Well, then, the Meet and Meat it is.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw up

about this very fun dating opportunity

before heading out to work on the boat.

Guys, we did it‐‐ Dad will no longer die alone.

But instead he will die in the arms of a woman.

Identity TBD.

Okay, great job, everybody.

Time for school. Let's head out.

Have fun at school, guys.

I've got to stay home and teach Timothy to fly.

Uh‐uh. No way, bub. You're going to school.

Me and Honeybee will watch Tim.

I'll show him Top Gun.

If anyone can teach him to fly, it's Maverick.

Fine. But fast‐forward through the part

where Goose dies, please.

You know, Judes, I was thinking we might need to help Dad

brush up on his skills before tomorrow.

The Meet and Meat is no joke. There's, uh...

How do I say this? A lot of pool cues,

not a lot of pockets, if you know what I mean.

- No. What do you mean? - A lot of hot dogs,

- not a lot of buns. - Huh?

What he's saying is there'll be tons of, uh,

Washington Monuments, not a lot of Grand Canyons.

- Do we need to spell this out for you? - Maybe.

A lot of letters, not a lot of envelopes.

A lot of prairie dogs, not a lot of prairie dog holes.

A lot of feet, not a lot of socks.

- Ham gets it. - Tons of DVDs,

not a ton of DVD shelves to put 'em on?

Oh, uh, kinda. Yeah. Good try, Moon.

A lot of Andre the Giants,

not a lot of gigantic sleeping bags.

Uh, what are you guys talking about?!

A lot of men, very few women.

Oh... okay, then, yeah.

After school, we should help Dad practice dating.

And who better to practice on than your own kids?

Exactly. No one knows Dad's romantic needs better than us.

- Judy, hi. The longest walk - of my life.

Oh, hi, hair. I mean hi there, Steven.

I didn't know you'd be here in my mouth.

No, I mean here, near my locker.

Yep, here I am.

I was wondering if maybe this weekend

you wanted to, uh, hang out.

Oh, huh, I wish, because, um, on weekends I travel

as a flight attendant.

So I'll be in Frankfurt, Germany.

Okay, uh, well, maybe during the week, then?

I mean, I had a lot of fun with you,

and I think you're really great.

I think you're great, too.

Okay, now I have to go stand over there because I‐‐ Wow!

You know what, I just farted, actually,

and I'm allergic to my own farts,

so I've got to keep on moving.

No, don't follow me, please.

It's not safe, um, 'cause I'm still farting,

so you don't want to enter the blast zone, okay.

Whoo‐hoo, melt your face off.

Wow, ew, gross. Bye‐bye.

- Bye‐bye. Stay there. - B‐Bye.

Okay, ready? Toss him back.

- Let's go again. - Hey, guys.

Do you maybe want to take a break

from teaching Timothy to fly

so that we can teach Dad to date?

No can do, Judy, he's pretty motivated right now.

Actually, he fell asleep. Or died?

Nah, he's sleeping.

Let's get started. Dad, it's been a while

since your last date, so this is just practice

to help you with your conversation skills.

Sorry I said "skills" like that.

In my mind it was gonna be cool.

Judy, I loved it.

So, Dad, why don't you go ahead and take a seat there

- across from Wolf‐‐ he'll be your date. - Charmed.

I'll be your waitress.

And everyone else will judge you.

- Sound good? - Not really.

And... action.

Now, uh, Dad, just relax

and pretend I'm a wonderful lady.

So, Beef, what do you do?

I kill fish for money.

My, my, my!

Okay, uh‐uh, this is not good.

Listen, not to brag, but before I met Wolf,

I went on a lot of dates.

Course you did, my swipe queen.

Heart eyes emoji big‐time.

And honestly, Beef, if you want to be a good date,

there are really only three rules to remember.

One, ask her questions about herself.

Two, listen to her answers.

Three, don't ask for any of my cheesy garlic knots

with two different dipping sauces.

If you want that, order it yourself.

I always order my own sauces.

I'm not a sociopath.

Great. Now let's try this date again.

So...

So...

Ask her questions.

Um, okay. What kind of fish do you like?

I love trout.

- What kind of fish do you hate? - No more fish talk, Beef.

If you were a fish,

- what kind of fish would you be? - No.

- What kind of fish wouldn't

you...? Damn it! - No.

How about we get some drinks and loosen up?

I'll take a fish shake.

- Dad, no! - Nope.

I'm trying. Do you have a driver's license?

- Yes. - Me, too.

Okay, that's better, I guess.

Just a few more hours of practice,

maybe, like, 12 more hours, and tomorrow we'll be kissing

and dating like you wouldn't believe.

Hey, guys, next time I'd like to play one of the dates.

Cheryl. She's a business associate

who knows what she wants.

Or does she?

Okay, we are about to send Dad in there

to hopefully make some sort of romantic connection

which is incredibly important for him

and not so much for me because I am very confident

about dating and kissing.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

Now, Dad, if you feel like running,

just picture us all at the library carving out

some quality time to learn about chain saws.

And each other.

But in case you do run...

I'll be sitting near the front door to block that exit,

Wolf and Honeybee, you stick close by him

and keep him from talking about fish.

Moon and Ham, you go around the back

in case he tries to escape that way.

And don't get distracted by teaching Timothy to fly.

We won't.

Do you know that you just winked at me?

- I do. - Okay.

If I die in there,

there's a box in my closet

labeled "Poems for Andie MacDowell"

that I'd prefer you threw out without opening.

Ooh, look at all those meats we could win!

It's like the zoo. But they're all dead.

It's roasting in here.

The thermostat says 52 degrees, Dad.

Well, it feels like I'm in Cabo St. Lucas.

Okay, well, I'm just gonna go sit over there

with my little poem pad

and guard the door. Go get 'em, Dad.

Oof. Are there even any women here?

Sure, sure. Oh, uh, look.

There's Vera.

And there's that lady there, who I've never seen.

Hark, a siren pulls me onto yonder rocks.

Looks like someone buttered your dad's roll.

Go on and get her, Beefcheeks.

Oh, please, a woman like that

has her pick of the pumpkins.

Be confident.

If you weren't my dad, I'd be so into you.

- Um... - You just need a

little Dutch courage, Pops.

Yeah, Beef, you hit the bar

while we go get some raffle tickets.

I'll take a cup with ice,

and then a lot of alcohol poured all over the ice.

And your largest appetizer sampler.

Nothing sets a romantic mood like the smell of warm cheese.

He's supposed to be mingling.

- Mingling and singling. - Hi, Judy.

I mean "lodged."

Oh. Hey, Steven.

There you are again.

Which I am open to, of course,

because... I'm normal.

Wait. What are you doing here?

My mom's the cocktail server here,

so this is kind of like my second home.

Can I buy you a soda?

Oh! My... accountant is here...

outside with my‐‐

He has my taxes, which are due... tonight.

So... with regret...

I must walk away from you to go to see him.

Okay.

If you're wondering if any of the meats are haunted,

it's just the reindeer sausages.

But is friendly ghost. Likes to watch me toilet.

Look at that! He's going in.

Yeah, Dad! Hit on that woman! Respectfully!

Excuse me, miss, but I seem to have ordered myself

a slightly too large appetizer platter.

Would you have any interest in sharing?

Yeah, if you think there's enough for two.

Hot damn.

- Name's Dell. - Beef.

So... do... you...

- fish? - I do fish!

You do?

Well, I used to.

I'm just getting back into it.

I hadn't been out much

since my husband Jasper died while we were fishing.

There's nothing quite like watching a dock line

wrap around your husband's neck, pull him into the water,

and then pop his head clean off right in front of you

- to put you off fishing for a spell. - That makes sense.

Yeah, took me a while to find the damn thing, too.

His head, that is.

I put his favorite hat on him

after they stitched his head back to his neck.

Didn't have to brush his hair, at least.

He hated getting his hair brushed.

He said it was too fancy.

Well, he wasn't wrong.

Listen, I know we just met,

and this is gonna sound wild, but...

do you want to go outside and get some air?

I sure do. It's roasting in here.

For our next meat bundle, we have a side of elk.

And our winner is... Honeybee Shaw!

Yay!

Let's put this on our bed and roll around on it.

Uh, hey, Judy, what you doing in the trash there?

Oh, well, Steven's here,

and so I'm picking out a gift for him.

- In the dumpster? - Uh...

- Wait, is that your...? - Dad.

- And he's with a... - Woman?

Wow. I knew he could do it.

Looks like they're hopping on

the choo‐choo train to Smooch City.

Next stop: Kissachusetts.

So tell me about this plan again?

I'm gonna leap off a branch and show Timothy how to fly.

Yeah, but you can't fly, so...

Mmm. I can kind of soar. He'll see what I'm getting at.

What an excellent view.

Yeah, the ocean is

both breathtakingly beautiful

and the foundation of our local economy.

This is so romantic.

So, I was thinking.

Maybe sometime, only if you wanted to,

uh, maybe we could do a thing... together.

Like a‐a film... or chores.

You mean like a date?

No, no, no. Well... yes.

Like a date. Exactly like a date.

Oh, my God.

Hmm.

No.

Aah!

Did he see me? Is he flying?

Oh. This is the part of Top Gun

you weren't supposed to see, Timothy.

Well, this night was a disaster.

That rejection was pretty brutal.

What exactly did she say to Dad?

- "No." - Yikes.

‐Yeah. Good news. It's just a sprain.

I asked them if they could rearrange my arm bones

into wings, but they said no.

That's insane. Did they say why?

Who's that on the porch?

An intruder? Is it go time?

I believe that intruder

is Dell, the leathery angel I met this evening.

I can't believe it.

First she rejects you, now she's here to rob us?

Guys, I don't think she's here to rob us.

She's probably here to say she made a terrible mistake

and that Dad's the greatest

and of course she'll go out with him.

Okay, but if she does rob us,

she's not getting this meat.

I would die for this meat.

Hello there, Beef.

I wondered if I could have a word.

Of course.

Uh, everyone, why don't you head in

and give me and Dad and Dell some privacy.

- Judy... - Okay, but if you need me,

I'll just be listening at the door.

About that invitation to go on a date...

‐ ‐Judy.

- Sorry! - I'm here, too.

Okay.

Uh, we are also here, Dad, full disclosure.

Me and Honeybee and Moon.

Got it. Thank you.

You are welcome, big guy.

You were saying?

Well, I didn't get a chance to give you

a full answer at the raffle tonight.

Could you speak up just a touch more, Dell?

I'm having a little trouble hearing you.

Oh, okay.

- How‐how's this? - That's better, thanks!

I, uh, really didn't go to the Meat and Meet

to meet anyone.

Romantically, that is.

Thing is, Jasper was not the first of my husbands

- to succumb to a terrible fate. - I see.

My first love, Donovan, froze to death.

In our freezer. He wasn't very bright.

The next two fell in holes.

And Richard was in a plane crash, which he survived,

but then his friend Kevin ate him.

Good Lord.

Yeah. So you can see how

I've begun to think of myself as something of a curse.

And you seem like a good guy who does not deserve

to suffer a gruesome death because you went out with me.

A‐greed!

- Wolf. - Love you, Dad.

So, if you're out of the dating game,

why were you at a singles mixer?

I figured I might do some networking,

maybe meet someone who had a boat, find a job.

Well, I have a boat.

And I might be able to use some help

on Tuesdays and Thursdays when my daughter works at the mall.

I'm afraid the red hot flames of our instant attraction

might make concentrating on the fish a little difficult.

Understood.

But maybe after a cooling‐off period,

you could ask me again.

About the date or the job?

Both.

This might be crazy,

but I think I'm Team Dell.

Hey, Dad. I just wanted to say sorry.

For what?

I... I wanted you to find love again,

but you wound up getting hurt.

Maybe it is better just to... not do stuff.

Even though I was rejected,

I‐it was good to try again.

- You were right. - Oh, good.

So, then... So, then, you're good.

Good.

What's really bothering you, Judes?

Do you think there's something in our nature‐‐

I mean me and you‐‐

that makes us not want to put ourselves out there...

like, for love?

Like, we get a little hair in our mouth one time

and then we're afraid

that we're always gonna get hair in our mouth.

You know what I mean?

Do you think there's something wrong with us?

Wrong with us?

Nah. We're great.

We're just also picky. And sensitive.

And a little dramatic.

And maybe watching me get hurt by your mom

made you a little nervous about relationships.

I mean, the year that you got all that hair in your teeth

- was the year that she... - Left.

Huh. I guess it was.

So maybe we both just got a little gun‐shy.

And it's not surprising

that sometimes we need a little push.

Also, to be honest, it was a lot of hair, Judy.

Like, a lot.

Dad, I think I need a little push.

Okay.

Can you snow machine me back to that bar?

- Right now? - Right now.

Sure. Why wouldn't I snow machine

my 16‐year‐old daughter

to a bar at 11:00 at night?

Dad, avert your eyes.

Hey, look. A truck.

Oh. Hey, Judy.

Oh, hello, Steven.

Um, the thing is, I didn't kiss you on the porch the other night

because I was afraid that your hair would end up in my mouth.

And it is a long story.

But I do still want to kiss you

if you still want to kiss me.

I mean, warn me if the farts are starting again,

but yes.

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