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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,004 - ♪ Look up there ♪ - ♪ What do you see? ♪ 2 00:00:04,071 --> 00:00:05,572 ♪ Nature and stuff ♪ 3 00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:06,959 - ♪ Like a rock ♪ - ♪ And a tree ♪ 4 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,776 ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ 5 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:13,347 ♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪ 6 00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:14,515 ♪ Catch some fish ♪ 7 00:00:14,581 --> 00:00:16,083 ♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪ 8 00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:17,351 ♪ Wow ♪ 9 00:00:17,417 --> 00:00:20,787 ♪ Oh, the Great North ♪ 10 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,222 ♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪ 11 00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:23,790 ♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪ 12 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:25,297 ♪ From longest night to longest day ♪ 13 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:29,096 ♪ In the Great North. ♪ 14 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,369 Pancake Patrol initiated. 15 00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:37,304 Sergeant Syrup reporting for duty. 16 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,872 - At ease. - Copy that. 17 00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:40,140 Are we clear for strawberries? 18 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,042 10‐4, Rear Admiral of the Lower Half 19 00:00:42,109 --> 00:00:44,044 of the Whipped Cream. Ready, aim... 20 00:00:44,111 --> 00:00:46,146 Fire! Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire. 21 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,081 It just blows my mind every day. 22 00:00:48,148 --> 00:00:49,483 The precision, the formation. 23 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,251 It's like a breakfast‐themed Jabbawockeez. 24 00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:53,329 - They don't rehearse this? - No, just comes naturally. 25 00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:54,888 That's Alaskan twins for you. 26 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:57,558 Born nine months apart, twins of the heart. 27 00:00:57,624 --> 00:00:59,693 It's like Mom always used to say: 28 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:00,627 I'm pregnant again. 29 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:01,995 Well, the van's started, 30 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,731 but it's making a sound that can only be described 31 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:06,066 as "a screaming." 32 00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,634 Let's just hope the engine lasts 33 00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:10,170 through the Feast of Not People Festival this weekend. 34 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,881 Now, what is the Feast of Not People again? 35 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,808 - We eat people? - No, we don't eat people. 36 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:17,411 That's the whole point. The Feast of Not People Festival 37 00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:20,347 is an annual celebration of Lone Moose's origins, 38 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:21,915 when the first settlers got off course 39 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,784 on their way to Florida and ended up here... 40 00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:26,286 Well, okay, not the first first settlers. 41 00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:27,921 Those were actually the Alaskan natives, 42 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,732 - to whom this land rightfully belongs. - Right. 43 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,626 So these European settlers, who were total ding‐dongs, 44 00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,362 came in the dead of winter, with zero snow‐how. 45 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,664 Lotta loose bonnets, if you know what I'm saying. 46 00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:39,833 These underprepared vacationers turned 47 00:01:39,900 --> 00:01:41,501 to eating each other to survive 48 00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:43,270 And they ate a lot of each other. 49 00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,871 We're talking four trips to the buffet 50 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,607 with a new plate each time. 51 00:01:46,673 --> 00:01:48,609 Eventually, though, they realized 52 00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,687 they were surrounded by scores of edible fish and wildlife. 53 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,113 So there's a festival celebrating that the town 54 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,615 used to eat people? 55 00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:57,284 No, again, we celebrate not eating people, 56 00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,353 and we do it by not eating people. 57 00:01:59,419 --> 00:02:01,054 Oh, and the best part is the Feast Cake. 58 00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:03,857 It's a huge cake in the shape of anything that's not people, 59 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,359 cooked by our local Cake Lady. 60 00:02:05,425 --> 00:02:07,294 She makes a cake big enough for the whole town? 61 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,963 Yep. The Cake Lady somehow always outdoes herself, 62 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,131 year after year. 63 00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:12,799 What a hot box of pressure. 64 00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:15,836 Yes. That Cake Lady sure must be 65 00:02:15,902 --> 00:02:17,137 sweatin' batter, mustn't she? 66 00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:19,206 But that's enough festival talk, isn't it? 67 00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:21,208 Not really. I don't think I totally understand 68 00:02:21,274 --> 00:02:22,876 what an Alaskan Cake Lady is. 69 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:24,578 Oh, allow me to explain. 70 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,681 Every Alaskan small town has its own confectionary visionary 71 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:29,249 known as a Cake Lady. 72 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,585 But ours recently retired. To jail. 73 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,796 Turns out the only thing she liked to cook more than cakes 74 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:36,023 was, uh, the books for our very small 75 00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,758 but very violent local mafia. 76 00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:40,427 She made her cake, and now she has to lie in it. 77 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:41,995 And after she went to the big house, 78 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:45,332 an unknown mystery baker has been fulfilling her orders 79 00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,434 and delivering them in the dark of night. 80 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,836 She makes you purchase through electronic mail. 81 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:52,606 I liked the old system, where you tacked your order to a tree. 82 00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,108 Well, you can bring it up with whoever it is on Sunday. 83 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,277 It's town tradition for the Cake Lady 84 00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:00,447 to personally unveil her masterpiece at the festival. 85 00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,683 To win us over, this year's Cake Lady 86 00:03:02,749 --> 00:03:06,019 is really gonna have to cake it... 87 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:08,188 to the limit. 88 00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:10,857 What a funny wordplay, Judy. 89 00:03:14,594 --> 00:03:16,930 Whoa. 90 00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:19,366 What's up with Ham? 91 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,967 He usually loves talking baked goods. 92 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:23,870 He was probably just laughing to cover a fart. 93 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,406 Oop. 94 00:03:26,473 --> 00:03:29,376 Okay, Ham, so you have that math quiz second period, 95 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:31,611 so take my lucky pencil with the good eraser. 96 00:03:31,678 --> 00:03:33,447 - Ham, are you listening? - Yeah. 97 00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:35,382 Um, uh, sorry I forgot to tell you 98 00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:36,650 but, um, uh, I actually‐‐ 99 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,027 Uh, I won't see you at lunch today. 100 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,453 Yeah. Good one. 101 00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,888 Uh, same. And I also won't see you at lunch 102 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:45,225 because I'll be having lunch with, um, someone from history, 103 00:03:45,292 --> 00:03:46,326 alive or dead. 104 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:47,894 No, I'm being serious. 105 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,939 Okay. Well, just tell me what you're doing at lunch 106 00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:51,732 - and I'll do that, too. - Sorry, Judy. 107 00:03:51,798 --> 00:03:53,567 This is something I have to do alone. 108 00:03:53,633 --> 00:03:56,136 - A private lunch. - Um, okay. 109 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,472 I said good day. 110 00:03:58,538 --> 00:04:00,273 Festival competitions. 111 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:02,609 "Guess How Many Teeth in a Jar," "Big Pit," 112 00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,411 "Animal Bite Parade," "Cadaver Dash." 113 00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:05,955 Is that the one you guys were talking about, 114 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,190 where there's something far away 115 00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:08,224 and you have to guess what it is? 116 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,750 No, no. That is 117 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,418 "Identify That Thing in the Distance." 118 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:13,453 "Cadaver Dash" is where teams compete 119 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:15,455 to find and collect the most cadavers. 120 00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,524 Ooh, fun. So it's like an Easter egg hunt 121 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,326 if the eggs weighed a couple hundred pounds. 122 00:04:19,392 --> 00:04:21,328 Exactly. Dad and Uncle Brian 123 00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:23,530 are longtime reigning Daver Dash champions. 124 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,433 So, Dad, I‐I guess since Uncle Brian moved to Anchorage, 125 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,435 it's gonna be you and me as partners this year? 126 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:30,604 Actually, I was thinking I've already won it 127 00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:33,039 so many times with Brian, maybe I'll just throw my hat 128 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,375 in the teeth jar this year. 129 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,944 Or, you know, I‐I know I'm no Uncle Brian, 130 00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:41,448 but you could try throwing your hat in the me jar? 131 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:44,351 All right, I guess I could dash one more year. 132 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:45,819 Yeah! Team Tobin. 133 00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:48,321 When I say "father," you say "son." Father! 134 00:04:48,388 --> 00:04:50,023 - Father. - We got this. 135 00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,335 Oh, and Moon will no doubt want to be a cadaver again this year. 136 00:04:52,359 --> 00:04:54,327 He's one of the best dead people in town. 137 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,629 Oh, that sounds interesting. 138 00:04:55,695 --> 00:04:57,173 Maybe I'll sign up to be a cadaver, too. 139 00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:59,008 Great! Well, I better start practicing for the dash. 140 00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:02,469 - Care for a ride? - Sure. Legs, sit this one out. 141 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:04,304 Hey, Dad, you carry someone, too! 142 00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:06,473 Santiago, may I carry you? 143 00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:10,043 Me? Wow. It would be my pleasure. 144 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:12,221 I've never played a dead body before, 145 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:13,680 but I made an amazing Rizzo 146 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,258 at Almond Grove High's production of Grease. 147 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,551 The newspaper called my performance "serviceable." 148 00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:19,019 That won't help you here. 149 00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:20,921 This isn't some shallow rendition of the '50s. 150 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,256 This is real life. This is death. 151 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,926 I'm not sure you could even be quiet for five seconds. 152 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,861 Easy. One, two, three, four, five. 153 00:05:27,928 --> 00:05:29,896 Hmm. I should definitely train you. 154 00:05:29,963 --> 00:05:32,532 All right, you can be my Obi‐Dead Kenobi. 155 00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:34,100 Oh, good. You guys are here. 156 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:38,338 So, Uncle Brian is 220 pounds of pure Alaskan stallion. 157 00:05:38,405 --> 00:05:41,274 I'm 160 pounds of droopy pony. 158 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,343 Thus, I've got my body all mapped out 159 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,378 and a solid plan to meet family standards 160 00:05:45,445 --> 00:05:46,379 by dash time. 161 00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:47,914 Did you have to be nude? 162 00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:51,017 Relax. I drew someone else's penis in place of my own. 163 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,419 Core. 164 00:05:52,485 --> 00:05:54,554 Since you can't carry without a strong core‐y, 165 00:05:54,621 --> 00:05:58,258 I've gone ahead and downloaded an app called abpp. 166 00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,594 When it's not crashing my phone, it's working my zone. 167 00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:02,095 Bladder. 168 00:06:02,162 --> 00:06:03,906 You don't want to be taking any bathroom breaks 169 00:06:03,930 --> 00:06:06,199 during the dash, so I'm gonna be upping my liqs‐‐ 170 00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,200 that's what I call my liquids‐‐ 171 00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:08,869 and stretching that blad. 172 00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:10,746 That's what I call my bladdy, which is what I call my bladder. 173 00:06:10,770 --> 00:06:12,706 Hands. 174 00:06:12,772 --> 00:06:14,941 Most Tobins' hands are, medically speaking, 175 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,409 more similar to claws. 176 00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:18,211 Me, I got a pair of soft‐and‐floppies 177 00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:21,481 just like Mom's, so what I did is bought Holdems. 178 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:24,484 High‐traction gloves that guarantee superb grip. 179 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,953 One weekend seems like the perfect amount of time 180 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,723 to make all of these ambitious changes to your body. 181 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,658 Soup's on! Not really soup, 182 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,426 but if you want to cut up your hot dogs 183 00:06:33,493 --> 00:06:35,962 and put 'em in water, who am I to stop you? 184 00:06:36,029 --> 00:06:37,297 Oh, hello, Ham. 185 00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:38,899 Is it okay if I eat dinner with you 186 00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:41,101 or are you having a private dinner, too? 187 00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:43,169 In case anyone is wondering what I'm talking about, 188 00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,972 Ham had a private lunch at school today without me 189 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:47,240 for the first time ever. 190 00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,118 But maybe he'd like to tell me now what it was. 191 00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:51,120 - He would not. - Ooh, you know, I think I may have a lead 192 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,078 on the Cake Lady. 193 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,280 I really, really doubt it! 194 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:54,748 Okay. Calm down. 195 00:06:54,814 --> 00:06:56,082 I am calm! 196 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:57,960 I am a very calm person who does not want to talk 197 00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:59,819 about the Feast Cake or the Cake Lady 198 00:06:59,886 --> 00:07:00,921 or what I did at lunch. 199 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,656 Seems like there's a lot of topics 200 00:07:02,722 --> 00:07:03,924 that are off‐limits. 201 00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:06,826 Yeah, so maybe we should just not talk. 202 00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:08,695 - What's on TV? - Diondra Tundra here 203 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,797 with Mayor Peppers, doing a deep dive 204 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,766 - into this year's Feast Cake. - Oh, no. 205 00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:15,635 Our Cake Lady countdown clock is ticking away. 206 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:18,805 ‐ ‐Son, are you all right? 207 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:20,106 Do you need the barf basket? 208 00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,350 Can the new Cake Lady 209 00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:22,709 live up to last year's 210 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,444 unforgettable "Thanksgiving Dinner 211 00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:25,612 with All the Fixins Cake"? 212 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:28,281 - Nope! - Ham, what is going on? 213 00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:31,184 All right, fine. I can't take it anymore. 214 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:32,652 She's me, okay? 215 00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:34,788 - The new Cake Lady is me! She's me! 216 00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:37,924 She's me, she's me, she's me, she's me, she's me. I'm her. 217 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,873 - Ham, you're the Cake Lady? - Busted. 218 00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:46,533 Wait, so that means my Jackson Pollock birthday cake 219 00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:48,335 - splattered with candied pollock? - Me. 220 00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,004 The nasal cake for the Ear, Nose and Throat Clinic's anniversary, 221 00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:52,872 with those golden raisin boogers? 222 00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:55,542 Mm‐hmm. The Bundt cake for the Little League championship game, 223 00:07:55,608 --> 00:07:57,711 the upsetting but ultimately very delicious 224 00:07:57,777 --> 00:07:59,713 Death By Chocolate cake for the funeral home. 225 00:07:59,779 --> 00:08:01,581 - All of it, me. - But how? 226 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,817 I do it at night. I say my "sleep tights" 227 00:08:03,883 --> 00:08:05,051 and give my bedbug warnings 228 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,429 and then I head down to the kitchen 229 00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:07,721 and Cake Lady till morn. 230 00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:09,823 But, Ham, how could you not have told me? 231 00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:11,725 Did you just wake up one day and think, 232 00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:14,394 "Hmm, I guess I'm going to become the Cake Lady 233 00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:15,929 and not tell my sister about it"? 234 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,398 No, I just... I didn't tell anyone. 235 00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:20,834 I found the Cake Lady's last order still tacked to the tree 236 00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:22,435 and I thought, "I've always loved cake. 237 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,037 Maybe I could make one." 238 00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:26,840 Oof. That is almost exactly how I came to be in charge 239 00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:29,175 of the town dump for a brief time in the '90s. 240 00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:32,278 So I tried making cakes, because why not, right? 241 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,280 You got to live, and it turned out 242 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,016 I was pretty good at it. 243 00:08:36,082 --> 00:08:39,352 But the Feast Cake is a whole nother beast... cake. 244 00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,521 Well, surely you got to have some ideas. 245 00:08:41,588 --> 00:08:43,256 Uh, maybe we can workshop 'em. 246 00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:45,625 Here's the list I made in the library at lunch today. 247 00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:48,528 Okay, it says "pie" crossed out seven times 248 00:08:48,595 --> 00:08:49,863 and then "cake." 249 00:08:49,929 --> 00:08:51,698 Well, cake's a good start. 250 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:53,900 What about... plain cake? 251 00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:56,102 Or‐‐ here's a delicious cake idea‐‐ 252 00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:57,303 you could've told me, 253 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,304 your Alaskan twin, 254 00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,873 aka best friend and... 255 00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:01,808 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, or what about a cake 256 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,210 shaped like a cupcake but so big? 257 00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,046 I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking. 258 00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,048 Dirt. You can eat it if you have to. 259 00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:10,383 I got to go figure this out on my own. 260 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,385 Great. He'll just go do something all by himself, 261 00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,721 which is, well, something I'm totally fine with. 262 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:17,223 Ooh, or what about a cake shaped like a little cupcake 263 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,558 and everybody gets one? 264 00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:20,160 Uh, that's just regular cupcakes, babe. 265 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,762 Oh, yeah. You're right. It is. Great call. 266 00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:24,774 Uh, is something wrong, Judy? 267 00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:27,000 You finished that smoothie 17 minutes ago. 268 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,401 There's nothing left in there. 269 00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,903 Something is very wrong. 270 00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:31,714 Ham took up a new interest without telling me. 271 00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:33,606 Oh. I hope it's not kites. 272 00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:35,575 To watch a man fly a kite is just gross. 273 00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:37,010 No, he's just baking. 274 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,079 But he's never shut me out like this before. 275 00:09:39,145 --> 00:09:41,781 Well, it sounds like Ham's got his own thing going on, 276 00:09:41,848 --> 00:09:43,483 and that's perfectly natural. 277 00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:44,984 People outgrow their dysfunctional 278 00:09:45,051 --> 00:09:47,754 codependent sibling relationships all the time. 279 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,022 We say "Alaskan twins." 280 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,757 Sure. Fine. My point is, 281 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,593 Ham's individuating and you have to set him free, 282 00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:54,694 like a bird. 283 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:56,196 Or a lynx that you brought home 284 00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,298 because it was cute but then turned out to be 285 00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:00,133 not that great of a pet. 286 00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,435 I'm a firm believer in letting everything go. 287 00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:04,337 Friends, family, your boyfriend, 288 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,438 his lover. 289 00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:06,940 But not his lover's boyfriend. 290 00:10:07,006 --> 00:10:09,642 Oh. Gregory makes an amazing banana bread. 291 00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:11,344 - It's so moist. - Oh, yeah. 292 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,113 It's unspeakably moist. 293 00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,280 It's almost damp. 294 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,883 I know it takes time 295 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,727 to break in new gloves, but maybe a better name 296 00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:20,453 for Holdems might've been Razor Mittens. 297 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,880 - Or Lil' Bleedies. - Why don't you take 'em off 298 00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:25,325 - if they're bothering you so much? - - Bothering me? 299 00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:27,193 No way. I actually feel better 300 00:10:27,260 --> 00:10:29,162 when my hands hurt a lot, believe it or not. 301 00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:32,499 That was just a primal battle scream 302 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,033 meant to pump us up. 303 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:35,678 You feeling pumped up, my Beef man? 304 00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:37,137 - Here, gimme th... - Uh‐uh, Dad. 305 00:10:37,203 --> 00:10:38,905 This is the kind of stick‐tuitiveness 306 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,508 you can expect to see from me on dash day. 307 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:42,909 Ooh! Ah! Eeh! 308 00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:46,813 Oh, this pressure is insane! 309 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,249 The last Cake Lady is so lucky she's in jail. 310 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:51,751 Oh, hello, Brother. How goeseth the Feast Cake? 311 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,888 - Ugh. Not good. - Oh, very well then, Hamuel. 312 00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:56,823 Since this is your personal private affair 313 00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,191 and not both of ours, together, 314 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,126 I shall take my leave of you now. 315 00:11:00,193 --> 00:11:03,663 Um, okay. I'll just be down here not making the Feast Cake. 316 00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,498 Hm. Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Tobin. 317 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,600 You have to set him free, like a bird! 318 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,170 Or a lynx that you brought home because it was cute, 319 00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:14,507 but then turned out to be not that great of a pet. 320 00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:17,911 Oof. Ham's really crappin' the cake pan down there, huh? 321 00:11:17,977 --> 00:11:20,346 Yes, and it is his prerogative to do so. 322 00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,715 He is an Alaskan singleton now, as am I. 323 00:11:22,782 --> 00:11:25,018 Two individuals, living as two. 324 00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:26,853 But you're Alaskan twins! 325 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,955 Yeah, well, only in name these days. 326 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,590 Alyson said I need to let him go. 327 00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:32,125 But you hate letting things go! 328 00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,194 I know! I still have all my retainers. 329 00:11:34,260 --> 00:11:35,738 Even my SpongeBob SquarePants retainer: 330 00:11:35,762 --> 00:11:37,230 SpongeMouth StraightTeeth! 331 00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,866 Okay, so, maybe you don't have to let him go. 332 00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,935 I mean, I didn't get to be the living legend 333 00:11:42,001 --> 00:11:44,037 I am today all by myself. 334 00:11:44,103 --> 00:11:45,972 Of course not. You had an entire team 335 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,474 of managers, hair and makeup, midwives, etcetera, 336 00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:50,043 at every step along the way! 337 00:11:50,109 --> 00:11:51,754 Yes, and that's exactly the kind of encouragement 338 00:11:51,778 --> 00:11:53,246 and support that Ham needs. 339 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:54,948 So maybe instead of letting him go, 340 00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:56,659 you just need to hold onto him differently, 341 00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,384 like, side‐hug him or something. 342 00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:01,387 Ah. I'll side‐hug him first thing in the morning. 343 00:12:04,123 --> 00:12:06,192 Ham? 344 00:12:06,993 --> 00:12:09,462 "I'm sorry. I can't do it. 345 00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:11,798 "Gone to turn in my whisk and let the town know 346 00:12:11,864 --> 00:12:13,499 "that I've failed them. Ham. 347 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,469 "P.S. Do you have any idea wher I might turn in my whisk? 348 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:20,073 P.P.S. Never mind. I have to figure this out alone." 349 00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:26,188 Okay, okay, okay, there's the mayor. I'll just 350 00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:27,623 go over to him and hand him my whisk, 351 00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:29,315 and say, "Here's my whisk." 352 00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:32,619 And he'll say, "Okay. Why are you handing me a whisk?" 353 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,455 And I'll say, "Because I'm not baking a cake this year." 354 00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:38,358 And he'll say, "Oh, okay. Do you want your whisk back?" 355 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:42,662 And I'll say, "No. You keep the whisk, Dear Mayor." 356 00:12:42,729 --> 00:12:45,999 And we will take a picture with me, him and the whisk. 357 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:48,868 And he will make me his deputy! 358 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,303 Ham, stop right there! 359 00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:51,838 Alaskan twins don't let each other 360 00:12:51,904 --> 00:12:53,206 turn in their whisks. 361 00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:56,309 Look, while my canvas is improv, poetry, 362 00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:58,378 theater, dance and actual canvas... 363 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,122 Oh, and frankly, I mean, look, let's just... 364 00:13:00,146 --> 00:13:02,282 The world around me inspires me. 365 00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:05,118 Your canvas is cake, and inside you, 366 00:13:05,184 --> 00:13:07,287 there's an amazing not‐people cake. 367 00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:10,123 But it would be crazy, and frankly unsafe, 368 00:13:10,189 --> 00:13:12,825 to expect you to give birth to something that big 369 00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:14,403 without the help of a licensed midwife. 370 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,229 Judy, are you a licensed midwife? 371 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,698 Some day, perhaps for a brief time after college. 372 00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,333 But what I'm saying is... 373 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,670 Requesting permission to report for cake duty, sir. 374 00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:26,139 Fall in, Private Icing. Fall in. 375 00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:29,809 They say dead men tell no tales, but this reminds me of a story. 376 00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:32,979 Shh. Your body is of the earth. 377 00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:37,483 Your limbs are still. Your flesh is food. 378 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,052 Whoa! I honestly never... 379 00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:41,654 Your mouth is shut. 380 00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:45,325 Your head is not nodding. 381 00:13:45,391 --> 00:13:47,994 Judy, is there a reason I'm in my bathing suit? 382 00:13:48,061 --> 00:13:49,862 Just to manage my own expectations. 383 00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:51,698 We're not going to a water park? 384 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,333 If you want to make a Feast Cake 385 00:13:53,399 --> 00:13:55,601 that really embodies the spirit of the early settlers, 386 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,837 then you need to be an early settler, 387 00:13:57,904 --> 00:14:00,106 in all that they endured. Are you cold? 388 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,941 - Yes. - Are you hungry? 389 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,209 I had some chips. 390 00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,877 That's no good. Don't use that. 391 00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:08,681 All that was, no longer is. 392 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:12,919 All that was, no longer is. 393 00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:17,290 All that was, no longer is. 394 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,192 Think of a time when you were hungry. 395 00:14:19,258 --> 00:14:22,261 Uh, I wanted the food, but I couldn't have the food. 396 00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:24,297 Yes! And bring that to the now! 397 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,967 I want the food, but I can't have the food! 398 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,303 - Keep going! - I... 399 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,571 Yes, Ham. What?! 400 00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:33,773 I am the food! 401 00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:35,074 And what do you see?! 402 00:14:35,141 --> 00:14:36,876 I see people, Judy! 403 00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,745 Not not people. 404 00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:43,583 Not not people. 405 00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:45,385 I know what I need to do. 406 00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:48,488 Okay great. All that was, no longer is. 407 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,223 And etcetera. Got it. 408 00:14:50,289 --> 00:14:54,293 Okay, I mean, we should probably spend a lot more time on this, 409 00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:57,430 but it's dark, and I don't want to miss tuck‐in. 410 00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,132 Dad only makes one round. 411 00:14:59,198 --> 00:15:02,168 If you're not in bed, he just keeps walking. 412 00:15:03,169 --> 00:15:07,907 ♪ Here we are stuck together ♪ 413 00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:10,643 ♪ Working till the break of day ♪ 414 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:15,248 ♪ Side by side, it feels so good ♪ 415 00:15:15,314 --> 00:15:17,183 ♪ To feel this way ♪ 416 00:15:20,319 --> 00:15:23,423 ♪ We're making something good ♪ 417 00:15:23,489 --> 00:15:26,259 ♪ To greet the day ♪ 418 00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:30,763 ♪ To greet the day. ♪ 419 00:15:30,830 --> 00:15:33,933 - My God, you've done it. - Done what? 420 00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,368 Oh, the cake! Yeah! 421 00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,537 Yup, yup, yup, the cake, the cake. Yup. Yup. 422 00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:40,440 Can you help me with my competitor wristband? 423 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,708 Uh, these little bleedies still aren't quite broken in. 424 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,511 Okay. Ooh. Uh, Wolf? 425 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:47,046 What? What is it? 426 00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:49,615 "Turn Holdems right side out before wearing"?! 427 00:15:49,682 --> 00:15:52,685 Oh, God. Does that mean...? 428 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:55,221 No! Get them off! Dad, get 'em. 429 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,989 Oh, no. I had too many liqs! 430 00:15:57,056 --> 00:15:58,691 That's what I call liquids! 431 00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:01,861 Son, I think something just spilled in your pocket 432 00:16:01,928 --> 00:16:04,130 from your penis all over your pants. 433 00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:06,132 That's pee... from my blad! 434 00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:07,633 Come on, buddy. That's okay. 435 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,803 - Oh, God, your hands! - I'm a monster! 436 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:13,706 A monster covered in urine! 437 00:16:13,773 --> 00:16:18,244 And my abs hurt when I sob because of that dumb abpp! 438 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:21,647 Let's go, uh, win that trophy! 439 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,452 ♪ ♪ 440 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:33,326 - And up! - It's no use, Dad! 441 00:16:33,392 --> 00:16:36,162 You were right not to want to do this with me! 442 00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,331 The only thing I'm good at is letting you down. 443 00:16:38,397 --> 00:16:40,233 You haven't let me down, Wolf. 444 00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:42,702 - You've lifted me up! - No, I haven't. 445 00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:44,670 My hands, Dad. Did you forget? 446 00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,206 Your hands are a terrifying inspiration. 447 00:16:47,273 --> 00:16:49,408 A hideous testament to your passion. 448 00:16:49,475 --> 00:16:51,344 - They are? - After all these years 449 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:54,881 and all these wins, I had lost the thrill of true hardship. 450 00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:57,083 But now, seeing you out here 451 00:16:57,149 --> 00:16:59,986 in your pee‐pee pants with your bloody paws, 452 00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,688 sobbing like a crazy baby but still going, 453 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:06,292 you've made me proud to be on Team Tobin again. 454 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,261 Thanks, Dad. Let's do this. 455 00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:10,763 Nope, sorry, can't. No way, no how. 456 00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:13,699 Yes, you can! I've got too much swagger to be a cadaver. 457 00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,469 Yeah! Okay! Now let's win that trophy! 458 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:20,773 Diondra is going to lose her newscaster mind over this cake. 459 00:17:20,840 --> 00:17:22,975 Do you think she'll call you the "Bad Boy of Cake" 460 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,710 or the "Cake Whisperer"? 461 00:17:24,777 --> 00:17:27,813 No. No, no, no, no! The engine can't give out now! 462 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,049 Jean Claude Van damn it! 463 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:35,821 Ugh! The countdown clock is probably 464 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,766 almost all counted down. We'll never make it in time. 465 00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,935 And the cake is too heavy for the two of us to carry that far! 466 00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:41,594 Ham, don't give up! 467 00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,462 I think I see the cadaver dashers! 468 00:17:43,529 --> 00:17:45,331 - Help! - Wait. Do you hear that? 469 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,933 - Judy? - Judy? 470 00:17:46,999 --> 00:17:49,235 Dad! Wolf! We need hands over here! 471 00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,404 Try again for that trophy next year? 472 00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:54,840 Dad, I promise you that my bod will be so smokin' by then. 473 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,510 Moon, come on, we've got to go help your brother and sister. 474 00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:01,113 Man, he's good. See you later, little Daniel Dead‐Lewis. 475 00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:02,524 - Careful, careful. - Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. 476 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,293 - Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! - Uh, you know what? 477 00:18:04,317 --> 00:18:05,694 Maybe I'll help carry, and you can just direct us? 478 00:18:05,718 --> 00:18:07,253 You got it, Cake Lady. 479 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:10,423 - Five, four, three, two... - Step back, everyone! 480 00:18:10,489 --> 00:18:12,209 - Step back! - The Feast Cake! - There it is! 481 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:15,928 Hello, everyone. It's me, Ham Tobin. 482 00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:19,432 But you might know me better as... the Cake Lady. 483 00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:20,933 ‐ ‐No way! 484 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,468 Yes, believe it. 485 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,605 And I'm here to reveal to you my very first Feast Cake. 486 00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,206 I hope you like it. 487 00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:28,608 It's a people! 488 00:18:28,674 --> 00:18:29,775 My eyes! 489 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,177 No! Don't look away! 490 00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:33,446 But we eat not people in this town! 491 00:18:33,512 --> 00:18:36,382 I am confused. So, are we not eating people, 492 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,117 or not not eating people now? 493 00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:40,786 I'm fine either way. Just someone let me know. 494 00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,355 No, we don't eat people, 495 00:18:42,421 --> 00:18:45,024 but we are afraid that we used to eat them, 496 00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:47,126 and that somehow, we might eat them again. 497 00:18:47,193 --> 00:18:48,961 It wasn't until my sister Judy took me 498 00:18:49,028 --> 00:18:50,496 into the woods for a non‐sexual 499 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:52,898 role‐playing exercise that I finally realized. 500 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:55,801 The best thing you can do with a fear is confront it. 501 00:18:55,868 --> 00:19:00,139 Me facing my cake fear means that we can all face our fears. 502 00:19:00,206 --> 00:19:03,309 My fear that my ears will slide right off my head in the shower? 503 00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:06,812 Yes, uh‐huh, sure. But also our biggest fear! 504 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,581 Our fear of the truth. 505 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,550 The early settlers didn't eat not people. 506 00:19:11,617 --> 00:19:16,222 What they ate, what we ate, was people. 507 00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:17,657 Ham Tobin is right. 508 00:19:17,723 --> 00:19:19,492 We used to rely on each other to be food, 509 00:19:19,558 --> 00:19:22,828 but now, we rely on each other to be friends. 510 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:24,530 Damn it, Peppers, you got me. 511 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,532 Cake Lady, would you do us the honor 512 00:19:26,599 --> 00:19:28,501 of cutting the first slice of people? 513 00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:31,270 I'd be honored to do that honor, Your Honor. 514 00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,907 It's okay. It's just runny Jell‐O. 515 00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:36,409 Mmm... 516 00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:39,512 Mm‐mm‐mm. Diondra Tundra here live 517 00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:41,881 with the final Feast report, where facing our fears 518 00:19:41,947 --> 00:19:44,750 never tasted so good, thanks to Lone Moose's new 519 00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,420 William Cake‐speare, Cake Lady Ham Tobin. 520 00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:51,023 Well, imaginary best friend Alani‐‐ 521 00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:53,192 Whoa! Just coming out here to see 522 00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:54,569 if any of the shingles need replacing. 523 00:19:54,593 --> 00:19:56,429 Out here talking to yourself again? 524 00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:58,864 - Hmm. Yeah. - Aw, that's cool. 525 00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:00,933 I‐I won't take up too much of your time. 526 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,436 I just wanted to say thanks for your help. 527 00:20:03,502 --> 00:20:04,870 That's what Alaskan twins are for. 528 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:07,206 Yeah, I don't know what I'd do without you. 529 00:20:07,273 --> 00:20:09,375 Probably die or, like, maybe come up with 530 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:11,043 some other coping mechanism. 531 00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:14,747 - Same. Do you have time for our secret handshake? - Always. 532 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,116 Flim, flam, Judy, Ham. 533 00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:19,085 I am scallop, you are clam. 534 00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:21,087 Underwater, out of sight, 535 00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,988 Mollusks in the dark of night. 536 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:26,392 It's spooky. It's spooky! 537 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:28,160 - Oh, hey. - Hey, what? 538 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,096 - Night vision. - Let's strut. 539 00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,898 Brother‐sister‐brother‐sister‐ brother‐sister‐brother‐sister. 540 00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:35,568 Clap, chihuahua. Snap, clap chihuahua. 541 00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:38,571 I said clap, chihuahua. Snap, clap chihuahua. 542 00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:39,905 - What? - Wha... 543 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,452 I went to school and took a look, 544 00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:43,275 and this is how I read my book. 545 00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:45,244 "Happy families are all alike. 546 00:20:45,311 --> 00:20:48,180 Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own..." 547 00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:51,417 waaaay out! Waaaay out! 548 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:53,853 Outhouse, outmouse, out tailored blouse. 549 00:20:56,489 --> 00:20:58,624 ♪ There's a jar full of teeth ♪ 550 00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:00,426 ♪ It's been sitting out all week ♪ 551 00:21:00,493 --> 00:21:03,929 ♪ And I wish I knew how many teeth were in it ♪ 552 00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,965 ♪ So I'll look at it and I'll focus ♪ 553 00:21:06,031 --> 00:21:08,100 ♪ Because if your guess is closest ♪ 554 00:21:08,167 --> 00:21:11,437 ♪ Then you get to keep the jar, that's right, you win it ♪ 555 00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,339 ♪ And there's nothing in the world ♪ 556 00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:15,040 ♪ That I couldn't do ♪ 557 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,544 ♪ With that big old batch of fangs in my life ♪ 558 00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,613 ♪ She'd be my wife ♪ 559 00:21:20,679 --> 00:21:22,615 ♪ Oh, those teeth would complete me ♪ 560 00:21:22,681 --> 00:21:24,350 ♪ I would kiss each one so sweetly ♪ 561 00:21:24,416 --> 00:21:27,720 ♪ Oh, how many teeth can be inside that jar? ♪ 562 00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:29,744 >>>>oakislandtk<<<<< www.opensubtitles.org 41427

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