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1
00:00:07,782 --> 00:00:08,832
Yeesh.
2
00:00:08,851 --> 00:00:11,891
The Dollar Store has
definitely seen better days.
3
00:00:11,924 --> 00:00:13,561
[groans] This low-rent dump
4
00:00:13,595 --> 00:00:15,766
looks like the set
of a zombie movie.
5
00:00:15,799 --> 00:00:16,934
-Brands...
-[gasps]
6
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:18,837
Brands!
7
00:00:18,904 --> 00:00:22,646
No one ever heard
of these brands.
8
00:00:22,713 --> 00:00:26,052
Look, we spent a lot of money
on food for tonight's party,
9
00:00:26,085 --> 00:00:28,791
so I have to scrimp
on the utensils,
10
00:00:28,825 --> 00:00:30,862
paper plates, and toilet paper.
11
00:00:30,929 --> 00:00:32,064
Mm.
12
00:00:32,097 --> 00:00:34,001
[Lisa and Bart shudder]
13
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:35,906
Oh, great.
14
00:00:35,939 --> 00:00:37,609
It's Helen Lovejoy.
15
00:00:37,643 --> 00:00:41,616
-Quick, kids, paper towels.
-Marge? Marge Simpson.
16
00:00:41,617 --> 00:00:44,053
I assumed that was you
coming out of the shame store,
17
00:00:44,054 --> 00:00:45,858
so I rushed right over.
18
00:00:45,925 --> 00:00:46,975
Hi, Helen.
19
00:00:47,027 --> 00:00:50,000
Stocking up on potted meat
and broken ramen packets?
20
00:00:50,066 --> 00:00:52,973
You know, the church pantry
is always open
21
00:00:53,006 --> 00:00:55,010
to the under-fortunate.
22
00:00:55,076 --> 00:00:57,815
[groans] I'm just getting
some supplies
23
00:00:57,816 --> 00:00:59,117
for my birthday party tonight.
24
00:00:59,118 --> 00:01:02,090
Right. Your little
backyard soiree.
25
00:01:02,124 --> 00:01:03,828
For my birthday, Timothy took me
26
00:01:03,895 --> 00:01:07,668
on the Josh Groban
Canadian canal cruise. [laughs]
27
00:01:07,669 --> 00:01:10,974
But I'm sure your thing
will be just as fun.
28
00:01:10,975 --> 00:01:14,950
-[growls]
-Oh, boy.
29
00:01:14,983 --> 00:01:17,187
[growling]
30
00:01:21,029 --> 00:01:23,232
[continues growling]
31
00:01:28,042 --> 00:01:29,813
-[door slams]
-What's her deal?
32
00:01:29,814 --> 00:01:32,116
She bumped into Helen Lovejoy
at the shame store
33
00:01:32,117 --> 00:01:33,922
and has been growling
ever since.
34
00:01:33,988 --> 00:01:35,725
[laughs] Don't worry.
35
00:01:35,726 --> 00:01:37,861
Whenever she comes home
with a murderous rage
36
00:01:37,862 --> 00:01:40,835
in her cute little eyes,
she goes upstairs for a bit,
37
00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:45,778
then when she comes down, she's
cool as a mule in summer school.
38
00:01:45,812 --> 00:01:50,220
I wonder what she does up there
to de-stress herself so fully.
39
00:01:54,316 --> 00:01:57,701
[female AI voice]
You've reached
40
00:01:57,702 --> 00:01:58,637
your imagination limit
for the month.
41
00:01:58,638 --> 00:02:01,710
To keep imagining,
please subscribe.
42
00:02:01,711 --> 00:02:06,019
I can't imagine,
but whatever she does, it works.
43
00:02:06,052 --> 00:02:08,691
All right, my loveables.
44
00:02:08,725 --> 00:02:11,930
Let's throw me
the best birthday party ever.
45
00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:13,934
-[indistinct chatter]
-[laughter]
46
00:02:14,937 --> 00:02:16,907
Who wants crab puffs?
47
00:02:16,941 --> 00:02:18,143
-Yeah.
-Ah!
48
00:02:18,176 --> 00:02:20,682
Marge, this party is a hit.
49
00:02:20,715 --> 00:02:22,953
Even the Springfield celebs
are here.
50
00:02:23,020 --> 00:02:25,925
I know. Wolfcastle, Arnie Pye,
51
00:02:25,959 --> 00:02:28,063
freaking Bumblebee Man is here.
52
00:02:28,096 --> 00:02:29,967
And you know who's not here?
53
00:02:30,034 --> 00:02:32,940
A bunch of
snot-nosed children. Mwah.
54
00:02:32,941 --> 00:02:34,040
Where'd you put them all?
55
00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:36,112
[children grumbling]
56
00:02:36,179 --> 00:02:37,949
I'm a pimple.
57
00:02:38,751 --> 00:02:41,055
I never imagined
that everyone in town
58
00:02:41,089 --> 00:02:42,859
would show up for my birthday.
59
00:02:42,892 --> 00:02:47,903
Of course we did, Marge.
Springfield adores you.
60
00:02:47,904 --> 00:02:49,171
You're a bake sale legend.
61
00:02:49,172 --> 00:02:53,079
You always have spare underwear
for my Milhouse's "uh-ohs."
62
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,882
Plus, you're always nice
to everybody,
63
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:58,991
even the town jerks, like me
and, uh, no offense, Homer.
64
00:02:58,992 --> 00:03:00,092
Oh.
65
00:03:00,093 --> 00:03:02,733
By the pinots ingested in me,
66
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:06,974
I hereby decree Marge Simpson
the nicest lady in Springfield.
67
00:03:07,007 --> 00:03:08,977
[cheering]
68
00:03:13,921 --> 00:03:17,762
Last night was like something
out of a dream.
69
00:03:17,796 --> 00:03:20,033
Yeah. Can you believe
I went to work naked
70
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,804
and my teeth all fell out?
71
00:03:21,837 --> 00:03:24,976
Oh... I've enjoyed
my share of balls before,
72
00:03:25,010 --> 00:03:26,781
but I was never
the belle of one.
73
00:03:26,782 --> 00:03:29,084
And just when I thought
it couldn't get any better,
74
00:03:29,085 --> 00:03:31,122
now I get to clean again.
75
00:03:31,155 --> 00:03:34,128
Old sneakers, coveralls,
76
00:03:34,161 --> 00:03:36,132
industrial-grade kerchief...
77
00:03:36,165 --> 00:03:38,236
[gasps]
78
00:03:38,269 --> 00:03:41,041
It's gone. Where is it?
Where is it?
79
00:03:41,108 --> 00:03:43,848
-Where's what?
-My box. My secret box.
80
00:03:43,915 --> 00:03:47,187
-The sex box?
-No. No, my box of letters.
81
00:03:47,188 --> 00:03:48,289
What letters?
82
00:03:48,290 --> 00:03:51,362
My secret box of hate letters.
83
00:03:52,164 --> 00:03:54,970
But the sex box is okay?
84
00:03:55,003 --> 00:03:57,107
[sighs] Okay, here it goes.
85
00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:58,844
When I was a teenager,
86
00:03:58,911 --> 00:04:02,150
I would occasionally-
and I'm not proud of this-
87
00:04:02,184 --> 00:04:04,021
get mad.
88
00:04:05,190 --> 00:04:07,060
Stupid Tim Meadows.
89
00:04:07,127 --> 00:04:09,131
Why the hell
would you leave SNL?
90
00:04:09,165 --> 00:04:11,002
You're a linchpin.
91
00:04:11,068 --> 00:04:14,141
[Marge]
Then one day, I came across this article
92
00:04:14,175 --> 00:04:16,846
that would change
my life forever.
93
00:04:16,847 --> 00:04:18,984
It said, when someone
makes you angry,
94
00:04:19,017 --> 00:04:21,856
write them a fiery letter
full of everything
95
00:04:21,857 --> 00:04:23,292
you wish you could say
to their face,
96
00:04:23,293 --> 00:04:26,198
then never send it, and poof,
97
00:04:26,232 --> 00:04:28,837
the bad feelings
are gone forever.
98
00:04:28,871 --> 00:04:31,977
From that day forward,
I wrote hundreds of letters,
99
00:04:32,011 --> 00:04:35,283
and you know what?
It made me a much nicer person.
100
00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:39,960
"Go jump in a wood chipper.
Marge Simpson."
101
00:04:39,993 --> 00:04:42,998
And every time I wrote one,
I felt much better,
102
00:04:42,999 --> 00:04:48,309
with all my bad feelings tucked
away and, therefore, gone.
103
00:04:48,343 --> 00:04:50,313
But those letters
were just for me.
104
00:04:50,346 --> 00:04:53,319
They weren't meant
to be read by anyone, ever.
105
00:04:53,352 --> 00:04:54,923
We have to find them.
106
00:04:54,989 --> 00:04:58,096
Honey, relax. I'm sure
they're around here somewhere.
107
00:04:58,097 --> 00:04:59,363
Maybe the cleaning lady
moved them.
108
00:04:59,364 --> 00:05:01,335
I'm the cleaning lady.
109
00:05:01,336 --> 00:05:03,339
Tell us where you moved them,
or you're fired.
110
00:05:03,340 --> 00:05:04,876
[phone chimes]
111
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:08,550
Uh, Mom, you got a new message
from an unknown number.
112
00:05:08,551 --> 00:05:12,022
[distorted voice]
Dear Marge, we have your letters.
113
00:05:12,023 --> 00:05:15,999
If you want to see them again,
pay us $5,000.
114
00:05:16,032 --> 00:05:20,073
If not, we will show the world
what a mean bitch
115
00:05:20,106 --> 00:05:22,211
Marge Simpson really is.
116
00:05:22,244 --> 00:05:25,584
-[all gasp]
-Can we say that now?
117
00:05:29,193 --> 00:05:33,131
[Bart] We've got to find
that letter thief.
118
00:05:33,132 --> 00:05:34,100
Okay. We've got photos
119
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,871
of everyone who was
at the party last night.
120
00:05:35,872 --> 00:05:38,811
All our dearest friends
and loved ones.
121
00:05:38,878 --> 00:05:42,116
One of these scumbags is holding
your mom's letters hostage.
122
00:05:42,117 --> 00:05:43,987
But who?
123
00:05:44,990 --> 00:05:46,694
My money's on Jasper.
124
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:49,699
He's ugly, and ugly people
are prone to crime.
125
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:52,972
I've always hated ugly people,
and now I know why.
126
00:05:52,973 --> 00:05:55,276
Guys, last night,
our friends and neighbors
127
00:05:55,277 --> 00:05:57,816
came to show Mom
how much they love her.
128
00:05:57,849 --> 00:06:01,021
We can't just accuse people
willy-nilly.
129
00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:02,257
[both]
Willie!
130
00:06:02,324 --> 00:06:06,165
Of course. He was the ugliest
guy at the party by a mile.
131
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:08,134
Let's go burn down his shack.
132
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:11,910
It's not Willie!
Willie can't read!
133
00:06:11,977 --> 00:06:13,847
Oh, it's hopeless. [sighs]
134
00:06:13,914 --> 00:06:16,820
Everyone thinks I'm
the sweetest lady in the world,
135
00:06:16,853 --> 00:06:19,726
like Ellen when she started
her talk show.
136
00:06:19,793 --> 00:06:22,732
But if those letters get out,
they'll all hate me.
137
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:24,970
Like Ellen when she ended
her talk show.
138
00:06:25,003 --> 00:06:28,041
Fear not, Marge.
I know who can help us,
139
00:06:28,042 --> 00:06:30,013
Springfield's finest.
140
00:06:30,046 --> 00:06:31,126
Sorry, can't help you.
141
00:06:31,149 --> 00:06:32,819
What? Can't you trace the call
142
00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:34,822
or descramble the voice
or something?
143
00:06:34,823 --> 00:06:38,863
I wish, but the wusses down
at the state house defunded us.
144
00:06:38,864 --> 00:06:41,235
I'm sorry, Marge,
but you're on your own.
145
00:06:41,302 --> 00:06:43,039
[Marge sighs]
146
00:06:43,073 --> 00:06:45,143
Uh, we weren't defunded, Chief.
147
00:06:45,177 --> 00:06:48,049
Our budget was increased by 33%.
148
00:06:48,083 --> 00:06:49,819
Yeah, but it's a great excuse
149
00:06:49,853 --> 00:06:52,992
for when you want to have
a lazy Saturday.
150
00:06:52,993 --> 00:06:57,101
Help. I woke up in the bathtub
with no kidneys.
151
00:06:57,102 --> 00:06:58,135
[both]
Defunded.
152
00:06:58,136 --> 00:07:01,008
[groans] Oh...
Those letters can't get out.
153
00:07:01,041 --> 00:07:04,047
We're just gonna have
to pay the ransom.
154
00:07:04,081 --> 00:07:05,785
But it's $5,000.
155
00:07:05,786 --> 00:07:08,055
Do you know how many kidneys
you'd have to steal to get that?
156
00:07:08,056 --> 00:07:10,861
[sighs] I think I know
where we can get the money,
157
00:07:10,895 --> 00:07:13,065
but you're not gonna like it.
158
00:07:15,303 --> 00:07:17,875
Oh, I know there's
always strings attached
159
00:07:17,909 --> 00:07:21,215
with you people, but there's
no one else I can turn to.
160
00:07:21,248 --> 00:07:22,852
Fat Tony...
161
00:07:22,885 --> 00:07:26,092
is currently out of town,
so I came to you.
162
00:07:26,125 --> 00:07:29,064
So, can I borrow the money?
163
00:07:29,097 --> 00:07:31,804
[both laugh]
164
00:07:31,871 --> 00:07:35,276
No dice. That's what you get
for repressing your emotions.
165
00:07:35,343 --> 00:07:36,880
You see, Marge,
166
00:07:36,913 --> 00:07:39,919
a woman's feelings
are a lot like her boobs.
167
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:41,956
Always locked away
when they're in public,
168
00:07:41,957 --> 00:07:45,030
but you got to flop 'em out
once in a while,
169
00:07:45,096 --> 00:07:47,034
or you'll go bananas.
170
00:07:47,101 --> 00:07:49,204
Ah, at ease, men.
171
00:07:49,205 --> 00:07:53,245
The deadline's almost up.
I don't have the money.
172
00:07:53,246 --> 00:07:55,917
-What am I gonna do?
-[phone rings]
173
00:07:55,918 --> 00:07:58,255
Honey, wait.
I've seen every movie
174
00:07:58,256 --> 00:07:59,390
about angry, middle-aged men
175
00:07:59,391 --> 00:08:01,294
refusing to negotiate
with kidnappers.
176
00:08:01,295 --> 00:08:03,934
I know how to talk
to these people.
177
00:08:03,935 --> 00:08:06,172
[distorted voice]
Time's up, Marge.
178
00:08:06,239 --> 00:08:07,942
This is Mr. Marge, dirt butt,
179
00:08:07,943 --> 00:08:09,978
and you just signed
your own death warrant
180
00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:14,154
'cause I'm a retired
CIA ninja who just un-retired
181
00:08:14,155 --> 00:08:16,192
to chimp chomp your face.
182
00:08:16,193 --> 00:08:17,292
Hey. You listen here-
183
00:08:17,293 --> 00:08:19,096
No, YOU listen, butt dirt!
184
00:08:19,097 --> 00:08:21,202
We want those letters
on our doorstep
185
00:08:21,269 --> 00:08:22,972
by noon hundred hours tomorrow,
186
00:08:23,039 --> 00:08:26,946
or I'm gonna be on you like
a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy.
187
00:08:26,947 --> 00:08:30,253
Aloha means "hello"
and "you're dead."
188
00:08:30,286 --> 00:08:32,191
[singsongy]
Fixed it.
189
00:08:32,257 --> 00:08:34,261
Oh...
190
00:08:34,262 --> 00:08:37,968
We haven't heard
from the letter-napper yet.
191
00:08:37,969 --> 00:08:39,872
I put the fear of God
in 'em, Marge.
192
00:08:39,939 --> 00:08:42,878
Just like Father Snooze
up there tries to do.
193
00:08:42,945 --> 00:08:44,882
Maybe you did
scare them straight,
194
00:08:44,949 --> 00:08:47,187
and this whole thing
is behind us.
195
00:08:47,220 --> 00:08:49,158
Um, before today's service,
196
00:08:49,225 --> 00:08:52,999
Mrs. Lovejoy would like
to make a, um, statement,
197
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,135
uh, she could not be
talked out of.
198
00:08:55,136 --> 00:08:57,173
Unless cooler heads
have prevailed?
199
00:08:57,207 --> 00:08:59,144
[hums angrily]
200
00:08:59,177 --> 00:09:01,148
[sighs] Take it away, dear.
201
00:09:01,215 --> 00:09:06,091
Last night, a vile, horrible
letter was left at our doorstep
202
00:09:06,158 --> 00:09:07,895
and tore my world asunder.
203
00:09:07,962 --> 00:09:11,034
It reads, "'Dear'"-
and dear is in quotes- "Helen.
204
00:09:11,101 --> 00:09:14,375
"In case you haven't been
made aware, you are a...
205
00:09:14,441 --> 00:09:16,579
-bitch!"
-[congregation gasps]
206
00:09:17,447 --> 00:09:18,984
[organ blares discordantly]
207
00:09:18,985 --> 00:09:20,486
"You're a snobby little gossip
208
00:09:20,487 --> 00:09:22,123
"who derives a vampiric pleasure
209
00:09:22,124 --> 00:09:25,028
in the misfortune
and minor foibles of others."
210
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:28,034
-Wow, you're a good writer, Mom.
-Shh!
211
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:31,008
"Do me a favor and keep
your surgically upturned nose
212
00:09:31,041 --> 00:09:35,216
"out of my business. Josh Groban
would hate your guts.
213
00:09:35,217 --> 00:09:37,353
Go jump in a woodchipper."
214
00:09:37,354 --> 00:09:39,191
And it's signed by...
215
00:09:39,257 --> 00:09:44,033
-Blank. The name was cut out.
-[congregation gasps]
216
00:09:44,034 --> 00:09:47,007
But I know exactly who wrote
this despicable letter.
217
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,245
Someone who's fooled this town
for years
218
00:09:50,246 --> 00:09:53,219
with her "sweet, gentle" nature.
219
00:09:53,220 --> 00:09:54,287
Agnes Skinner.
220
00:09:54,288 --> 00:09:58,162
[gasps] I would never write
such vile things.
221
00:09:58,195 --> 00:10:02,037
I'd say 'em
to your discount Botox face.
222
00:10:02,038 --> 00:10:04,373
[gasps] Are you gonna let her
talk to me like that?
223
00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:06,244
Defend my honor.
224
00:10:06,245 --> 00:10:07,379
Get him, Seymour.
225
00:10:07,380 --> 00:10:09,952
But-but-but he's a man of God.
226
00:10:10,019 --> 00:10:12,157
Shouldn't I turn
the other cheek?
227
00:10:12,223 --> 00:10:13,426
Wuss fight!
228
00:10:13,427 --> 00:10:15,262
[congregation chanting]
Fight! Fight!
229
00:10:15,263 --> 00:10:16,097
Fight!
230
00:10:16,098 --> 00:10:17,300
[congregation clamoring
excitedly]
231
00:10:17,301 --> 00:10:19,271
[phone buzzes]
232
00:10:19,272 --> 00:10:21,140
[distorted voice over phone]
Look at the mayhem
233
00:10:21,141 --> 00:10:23,246
that just one
of your letters can cause.
234
00:10:23,313 --> 00:10:26,319
You have 60 minutes
before I release them all
235
00:10:26,352 --> 00:10:30,260
and turn your life
into an abominable hellscape
236
00:10:30,293 --> 00:10:33,065
of torment and woe.
237
00:10:33,098 --> 00:10:35,971
Honey, you're missing
the wuss fight. What's going on?
238
00:10:36,038 --> 00:10:39,377
I know just who
the kidnapper is.
239
00:10:41,281 --> 00:10:42,518
[groans]
240
00:10:42,552 --> 00:10:47,092
More crab puffs coming right up.
241
00:10:47,093 --> 00:10:50,232
Hey, Shauna.
Thanks again for babysitting.
242
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:53,106
I'm sorry I forgot to mention
it was 56 kids
243
00:10:53,139 --> 00:10:56,078
instead of the usual three.
How is it?
244
00:10:56,111 --> 00:11:00,452
Ugh. It's an abominable
hellscape of torment and woe.
245
00:11:00,453 --> 00:11:01,503
Wha...?
246
00:11:01,557 --> 00:11:04,027
Oh. I'm reading
a goth romance novel
247
00:11:04,028 --> 00:11:05,597
and some of the vocab
is sticking.
248
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,367
[Marge]
Hmm.
249
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,236
-Ooh, crab puffs.
-Up-bup-bup.
250
00:11:09,237 --> 00:11:13,012
Why don't you eat the food
I left in the kids area?
251
00:11:13,079 --> 00:11:16,018
But Milhouse sucked all the pigs
out of the blankets.
252
00:11:16,084 --> 00:11:18,121
And Martin ate
all the corn off the dogs.
253
00:11:18,122 --> 00:11:21,763
Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
Who wants crab puffs?
254
00:11:23,466 --> 00:11:24,516
[belches]
255
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:27,372
Ugh. Every time
she hires me to babysit,
256
00:11:27,373 --> 00:11:30,179
she treats me like
I freakin' work for her.
257
00:11:30,246 --> 00:11:32,149
She acts like
all I do around here
258
00:11:32,150 --> 00:11:34,522
is watch TV
and try on her clothes.
259
00:11:34,589 --> 00:11:37,193
Uh, that is what you do.
260
00:11:37,260 --> 00:11:39,464
Yikes. How does she
pull this off
261
00:11:39,498 --> 00:11:41,167
without looking like a skank?
262
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,306
The pearls class
the whole thing up.
263
00:11:43,372 --> 00:11:46,144
Psh. Everyone thinks
she's such a saint.
264
00:11:46,145 --> 00:11:49,118
Meanwhile, she's starving
the one babysitter
265
00:11:49,151 --> 00:11:51,487
that's watching, like,
every kid in town.
266
00:11:51,488 --> 00:11:53,491
Where are those kids, anyway?
267
00:11:53,492 --> 00:11:55,496
Up your butt. I don't know.
268
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:01,074
[gasps] Holy crab.
269
00:12:01,141 --> 00:12:05,217
[laughs] Oh, man. This angry
MILF hates everyone in town.
270
00:12:05,218 --> 00:12:07,386
I thought this box
was gonna be full of, like,
271
00:12:07,387 --> 00:12:09,358
pot or grandma ashes,
272
00:12:09,359 --> 00:12:10,358
but this is even better.
273
00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:13,199
I bet Mrs. Bart's Mom
would pay anything
274
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,470
to keep people
from reading these letters.
275
00:12:15,504 --> 00:12:18,208
Even $5,000.
276
00:12:18,275 --> 00:12:21,416
[gasps] With that kind of money,
we could start over.
277
00:12:21,482 --> 00:12:23,419
Live a whole new life.
278
00:12:23,486 --> 00:12:25,523
? Birds of a feather ?
279
00:12:25,524 --> 00:12:27,427
? We should stick together ?
280
00:12:27,428 --> 00:12:28,529
? I know ?
281
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:29,665
? I said I'd never ?
282
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,537
? Think I wasn't better alone ?
283
00:12:32,538 --> 00:12:34,208
? Can't change the weather ?
284
00:12:34,241 --> 00:12:36,580
-? Might not be forever ?
-[both moaning]
285
00:12:36,646 --> 00:12:39,317
? But if it's forever.
286
00:12:39,318 --> 00:12:40,218
Hmm?
287
00:12:40,219 --> 00:12:41,688
Marge Simpson's gonna
rue the day
288
00:12:41,689 --> 00:12:43,392
she ever messed with me.
289
00:12:43,459 --> 00:12:47,768
Shauna Chalmers is gonna rue
the day she ever messed with me.
290
00:12:50,350 --> 00:12:55,081
[distorted voice over phone]
...an abominable hellscape
291
00:12:55,082 --> 00:12:56,953
of torment and woe!
292
00:12:56,987 --> 00:13:00,962
Shauna said that exact same
phrase the night of the party.
293
00:13:00,995 --> 00:13:04,001
So, she and the raccoon
are working together.
294
00:13:04,002 --> 00:13:06,805
They probably stole our garbage,
too. So what's the plan?
295
00:13:06,806 --> 00:13:10,213
I know that, on Sundays, Shauna
volunteers at the senior home
296
00:13:10,246 --> 00:13:14,120
to steal their medications,
so this is the perfect time
297
00:13:14,121 --> 00:13:17,125
to break into her house
and get those letters back.
298
00:13:17,126 --> 00:13:18,998
You want to break
into her house?
299
00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:22,270
What would Marge say?
[gasps] You're Marge.
300
00:13:22,304 --> 00:13:23,372
Damn it.
301
00:13:23,373 --> 00:13:26,144
-[brakes screech]
-Superintendent Chalmers is home.
302
00:13:26,145 --> 00:13:29,284
We're gonna have to improvise.
303
00:13:29,318 --> 00:13:30,987
[doorbell rings]
304
00:13:30,988 --> 00:13:33,125
Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson.
305
00:13:33,126 --> 00:13:36,165
To what do I owe
the unannounced weekend visit?
306
00:13:36,231 --> 00:13:39,037
Um... I'm writing an article
307
00:13:39,104 --> 00:13:42,343
for the PTA newsletter
about you.
308
00:13:42,344 --> 00:13:43,245
Me?
309
00:13:43,246 --> 00:13:46,151
Yes. An interview, really.
Long form.
310
00:13:46,184 --> 00:13:50,026
"Gary Chalmers:
A Profile In Competence."
311
00:13:50,059 --> 00:13:53,332
Not "incompetence."
"In competence."
312
00:13:54,368 --> 00:13:56,171
'Cause you're great.
313
00:13:56,238 --> 00:14:01,015
Hm... I wasn't aware that
the PTA's biannual, one-page,
314
00:14:01,048 --> 00:14:03,118
single-sided newsletter
315
00:14:03,152 --> 00:14:06,157
even did long-form interviews,
316
00:14:06,158 --> 00:14:08,129
but how nice. Come on in.
317
00:14:08,162 --> 00:14:11,268
Uh, don't you need a pen
or a recording device?
318
00:14:11,301 --> 00:14:15,076
Uh, no. No, I have
a photographic memory.
319
00:14:15,143 --> 00:14:17,246
For auditory speech?
320
00:14:17,247 --> 00:14:18,483
Yes.
321
00:14:18,517 --> 00:14:20,185
I think he's buying it.
322
00:14:20,186 --> 00:14:22,055
[Chalmers]
I'm not buying it.
323
00:14:22,056 --> 00:14:24,428
But why make up
such an absurd story?
324
00:14:24,495 --> 00:14:26,165
[gasps] Oh, dear God,
325
00:14:26,198 --> 00:14:28,503
Marge Simpson
is coming on to me.
326
00:14:28,536 --> 00:14:31,374
So, how did you become so...
327
00:14:31,375 --> 00:14:33,880
super at... intending?
328
00:14:33,881 --> 00:14:37,152
[Chalmers] Well, I can't say
the thought hasn't crossed my mind.
329
00:14:37,153 --> 00:14:39,290
No, Gary. Not with
another school parent.
330
00:14:39,324 --> 00:14:42,230
The Van Houten woman
is still blowing up your phone.
331
00:14:42,297 --> 00:14:45,169
I have to put an end
to this right now.
332
00:14:45,203 --> 00:14:47,073
Look, I'm very sorry,
Mrs. Simpson,
333
00:14:47,107 --> 00:14:49,343
but I'm gonna have to ask you...
334
00:14:49,344 --> 00:14:53,119
if you would like
some plum wine.
335
00:14:53,186 --> 00:14:56,258
[pants] Come on, Homer.
Rummage like the wind.
336
00:14:56,325 --> 00:14:59,363
Psh. Another stupid kid
wearing an old T-shirt
337
00:14:59,364 --> 00:15:01,268
of a band they know
nothing about.
338
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:04,074
I bet she can't name
one song by...
339
00:15:04,107 --> 00:15:05,577
Planned Parenthood.
340
00:15:06,579 --> 00:15:08,449
[gasps] Got it.
341
00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:10,521
[samba music playing]
342
00:15:11,322 --> 00:15:14,461
Oh, if there's a lovelier music
than samba,
343
00:15:14,528 --> 00:15:16,198
I don't want to hear it.
344
00:15:16,231 --> 00:15:19,103
Have you ever been to
[Portuguese accent] Brazil?
345
00:15:19,104 --> 00:15:21,141
Very liberated country.
346
00:15:21,208 --> 00:15:23,212
[chuckles] You don't say.
347
00:15:23,245 --> 00:15:25,583
-[loud thump]
-Que diabos! What was that?
348
00:15:25,584 --> 00:15:27,353
Just the house settling, I bet.
349
00:15:27,387 --> 00:15:31,361
With this framing? Not likely.
I better go check it out.
350
00:15:31,362 --> 00:15:32,462
[groans]
351
00:15:32,463 --> 00:15:34,467
[Homer screams]
352
00:15:34,468 --> 00:15:35,670
[gasps]
353
00:15:35,671 --> 00:15:38,341
Uh, I think I have enough
for my article, Superintendent.
354
00:15:38,342 --> 00:15:40,245
Thanks again for your time.
355
00:15:40,246 --> 00:15:43,117
-[tires screech]
-But-but I-I...
356
00:15:43,118 --> 00:15:45,557
[sighs] It's probably
for the best.
357
00:15:47,127 --> 00:15:49,464
[samba music playing]
358
00:15:50,568 --> 00:15:52,237
We did it!
359
00:15:52,270 --> 00:15:56,345
Sorry, Shauna Chalmers.
"Letter" luck next time.
360
00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:57,179
What the...?
361
00:15:57,180 --> 00:15:59,450
Goth romance novels?
362
00:15:59,451 --> 00:16:00,318
[tires screech]
363
00:16:00,319 --> 00:16:02,390
She took the letters out.
364
00:16:02,457 --> 00:16:04,461
[frustrated grunt]
365
00:16:04,495 --> 00:16:06,265
Oh, it's hopeless.
366
00:16:06,298 --> 00:16:09,271
Shauna's probably spreading them
all over town by now.
367
00:16:09,304 --> 00:16:13,277
Everyone's gonna know what
a terrible person I am inside.
368
00:16:13,278 --> 00:16:15,617
-[laughter]
-[Marge gasps]
369
00:16:15,651 --> 00:16:17,588
[Marge]
What the...?
370
00:16:17,621 --> 00:16:19,457
My letters.
371
00:16:19,491 --> 00:16:21,596
Step on it, Jimbo.
372
00:16:29,310 --> 00:16:31,381
[Homer]
Marge, what are you- Ah!
373
00:16:31,382 --> 00:16:32,517
[screams]
374
00:16:37,393 --> 00:16:38,443
[both gasp]
375
00:16:42,605 --> 00:16:45,376
Give me back my letters.
376
00:16:47,380 --> 00:16:48,430
[grunts]
377
00:16:49,318 --> 00:16:51,656
Go get her, Marge.
I've got this punk.
378
00:16:52,343 --> 00:16:54,193
[yelps]
379
00:16:54,194 --> 00:16:55,663
I don't got this punk.
380
00:16:55,664 --> 00:16:57,668
[grunting]
381
00:17:08,690 --> 00:17:10,226
Stop right there.
382
00:17:10,259 --> 00:17:12,249
Come any closer,
and I'll, like-like,
383
00:17:12,263 --> 00:17:13,566
drop 'em or whatever.
384
00:17:13,567 --> 00:17:15,236
Why'd you do it, Shauna?
385
00:17:15,270 --> 00:17:17,472
Was all this over
a stupid crab puff?
386
00:17:17,473 --> 00:17:21,247
No. When I found those letters,
I thought they were awesome.
387
00:17:21,314 --> 00:17:24,388
You totally nailed all the
cringe-os in this cringe town.
388
00:17:24,454 --> 00:17:27,259
And then I read the letter
you wrote to me.
389
00:17:27,326 --> 00:17:29,496
Oh, Shauna.
I never meant for you-
390
00:17:29,497 --> 00:17:32,269
You called me
a "hormonal little snot
391
00:17:32,336 --> 00:17:34,373
with more piercings
than brains."
392
00:17:34,374 --> 00:17:37,346
And you're supposed to be
the nicest lady in town?
393
00:17:37,380 --> 00:17:39,719
I am nice.
I just write these letters
394
00:17:39,752 --> 00:17:41,387
when I'm filled with anger.
395
00:17:41,388 --> 00:17:44,527
And then, afterwards,
I'm over it. I swear.
396
00:17:44,528 --> 00:17:47,399
There's, like,
30-year-old letters in here.
397
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,705
If you're so over it,
why'd you save 'em?
398
00:17:49,738 --> 00:17:52,277
[grunts] Because... [grunts]
399
00:17:52,343 --> 00:17:54,280
...it brings me peace.
400
00:17:54,347 --> 00:17:55,416
Give me my letters.
401
00:17:55,483 --> 00:17:57,721
-[gasps, screams]
-Shauna!
402
00:17:59,592 --> 00:18:00,642
[groans]
403
00:18:00,643 --> 00:18:01,661
Don't let me die.
404
00:18:01,662 --> 00:18:04,434
I want to live to be
old and fat like you.
405
00:18:04,502 --> 00:18:07,474
I can save you both. [screams]
406
00:18:07,508 --> 00:18:08,558
No!
407
00:18:09,411 --> 00:18:11,615
I got you, Shauna. [grunts]
408
00:18:13,385 --> 00:18:16,592
Thanks Mrs. S. I'm really sorry.
409
00:18:16,626 --> 00:18:19,331
I know, sweetie.
410
00:18:19,398 --> 00:18:21,468
Well, they're all out there now.
411
00:18:21,536 --> 00:18:24,709
All my unspoken grievances
and resentments
412
00:18:24,742 --> 00:18:26,378
for the world to read.
413
00:18:26,411 --> 00:18:28,717
Hey, look.
A letter from Marge Simpson,
414
00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:30,419
addressed directly to me.
415
00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:33,424
"Dear Chief,
you give fat, do-nothing,
416
00:18:33,425 --> 00:18:36,398
donut-eating cops a bad name."
417
00:18:36,431 --> 00:18:38,469
"A soulless dead-eyed
creepazoid."
418
00:18:38,537 --> 00:18:41,408
"A greasy-fingered know-it-all."
419
00:18:41,441 --> 00:18:44,414
"An amoral homewrecker
and a never-was singer."
420
00:18:44,448 --> 00:18:48,489
"A deviant letch who can't keep
his busy hands to himself."
421
00:18:48,557 --> 00:18:51,327
"A smoking hot comedic linchpin
422
00:18:51,328 --> 00:18:53,566
who should've
never left Studio 8H."
423
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:55,335
[grunts]
424
00:18:55,336 --> 00:18:58,409
There's the hateful epistolist
who called me
425
00:18:58,442 --> 00:19:02,751
"an operatic blowhard."
426
00:19:07,327 --> 00:19:10,465
Hi, everyone.
I just want to apologize.
427
00:19:10,466 --> 00:19:12,469
Not for having
negative feelings,
428
00:19:12,470 --> 00:19:15,510
but for keeping them to myself
all these years.
429
00:19:15,577 --> 00:19:17,715
Even though I smiled
in your face,
430
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:19,518
I was secretly furious.
431
00:19:19,585 --> 00:19:22,690
And that wasn't fair
to you or to me.
432
00:19:22,691 --> 00:19:25,362
So do you hate us all?
433
00:19:25,363 --> 00:19:28,369
No. No, I love the people
of this town.
434
00:19:28,402 --> 00:19:29,772
Even when we butt heads.
435
00:19:29,805 --> 00:19:32,544
[both laugh]
Butt heads.
436
00:19:32,578 --> 00:19:33,746
[both]
Aw.
437
00:19:33,747 --> 00:19:36,786
But I'd rather you all
think of me as an honest person
438
00:19:36,819 --> 00:19:39,489
with real, complex emotions,
439
00:19:39,490 --> 00:19:42,697
and not someone who's just nice.
440
00:19:42,698 --> 00:19:43,599
Thank you.
441
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:45,503
Let's hear it for Marge Simpson.
442
00:19:45,504 --> 00:19:48,677
The most three-dimensional
woman in town.
443
00:19:48,710 --> 00:19:50,847
[cheering]
444
00:19:54,622 --> 00:19:55,824
Helen, hi.
445
00:19:55,891 --> 00:19:59,397
Marge, I know it was you who
wrote me that scornful letter,
446
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:01,401
and I just wanted to say...
447
00:20:01,435 --> 00:20:05,376
I'm sorry for being so snarky
and elitist in the past.
448
00:20:05,409 --> 00:20:08,550
Oh. Why, thank you.
Apology accept-
449
00:20:08,616 --> 00:20:11,522
As someone so well off
and closer to God,
450
00:20:11,523 --> 00:20:15,729
it's easy for me to look down my
naturally perfect nose at you.
451
00:20:15,730 --> 00:20:17,399
But that ends now.
452
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:18,869
Oh, I'm glad to hear it.
453
00:20:18,870 --> 00:20:21,408
Ugh. I envy this new you, Marge.
454
00:20:21,442 --> 00:20:23,746
Honest and boorishly uncouth.
455
00:20:23,747 --> 00:20:24,681
Right.
456
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,585
Anyway, I'm off
to the good hairdresser.
457
00:20:26,586 --> 00:20:30,694
Oh, not the one you're thinking
of, this one's better. Toodles.
458
00:20:30,727 --> 00:20:33,734
Oh, wait, wait.
O-One more thing, Helen.
459
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:34,901
Yes?
460
00:20:34,902 --> 00:20:37,841
-Kiss my ass!
-[gasps]
461
00:20:37,842 --> 00:20:41,881
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
462
00:20:41,882 --> 00:20:43,752
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
463
00:20:43,753 --> 00:20:45,423
and TOYOTA.
464
00:20:45,456 --> 00:20:48,286
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org
465
00:20:49,934 --> 00:20:54,708
[Tim] "Dear Marge,
where the hell do you get off?
466
00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:57,179
"My career choices
are nobody's business
467
00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:58,315
"but mine
and maybe my manager's.
468
00:20:58,316 --> 00:20:59,584
"The next time
you want to tell me
469
00:20:59,585 --> 00:21:02,189
"what other 'bone-headed
mistakes' I've made,
470
00:21:02,190 --> 00:21:03,424
"I hope you'll do me a favor
471
00:21:03,425 --> 00:21:05,362
"and go jump in a wood chipper.
472
00:21:05,429 --> 00:21:09,303
Sincerely yours, Tim Meadows."
473
00:21:09,304 --> 00:21:11,542
Wow. That does feel good.
474
00:21:13,078 --> 00:21:16,450
"Dear Lorne Michaels,
where the hell do you get off?"
475
00:21:16,451 --> 00:21:22,196
"Dear TGI Fridays,
where the hell do you get off?"
476
00:21:22,998 --> 00:21:26,304
"Dear Sunglass Hut,
where the hell do you get off?"
477
00:21:27,106 --> 00:21:30,680
"Dear Quiznos,
where the hell do you get off?"
478
00:21:30,681 --> 00:21:32,250
Shh!
479
00:21:32,251 --> 00:21:33,735
[Tim]
Where the hell do you get off?
480
00:21:33,736 --> 00:21:38,286
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