Original subtitles

Praise.

Rejoice.

Salvation.

I'm Vance Simkins, here with my sister, Shay,

and brother, Craig.

Oh, there you are, sunshine.

Where's Shay?

She out on another bender?

She wants nothin' to do with you.

But you, you can't stay away, can you?

I just came for my money.

You need to slow down with the spendin'.

We can't maintain it.

You can't tell me how much of my own money we can spend.

It's not your money, Craig.

It's the church's money.

And the court order says I got control of it.

I'm just lookin' out for our family is all.

You're lookin' out for yourself,

openin' up all these churches when we're broke.

For what, to prove to the Gemstones

that you're still somethin'?

You ain't.

They beat our asses.

They will never respect you.

Unlike some other churches, who are all about the money...

Here's 10,000.

Please try and make it last.

Just can't admit you're beat, can you?

You're gonna run whatever's left of our empire

into the dirt.

When I win Top Christ Following Man,

you'll see.

Oh, you'll all see.

You are a straight white male.

Your kind don't get awards anymore.

Or are you straight?

Never had a girlfriend, sweetie pie.

Don't you dare insinuate such filth!

Now, Christ Almighty is on my side.

How many goddamn times do I need to fuckin' say it?

Hey, Terry.

We're just wrappin' up here.

I'll be with you in one sec, all right?

God bless.

? Praise ?

? Praise ?

Yes!

Ah.

Daddy time.

Uh-uh.

Done.

? I can feel it ?

Whoo!

Hey! Yeah. Yeah.

Neil, I'm lovin' your hair.

Hey, sugar. How you doin'?

How's your dad? - He all right.

I just want to say thank you to all my Prism peeps

for comin' out to support my run

for Top Christ Following Man!

I will not let you down.

I am your advocate!

Please, Kelvin.

Let's party, y'all.

? I'm feeling all these butterflies tonight ?

? I'm only chasing heartthrobs tonight ?

Whoo!

Quite the turnout for my Top Christ Following Man

congrats luncheon.

My Prism posse is no joke, yo.

Yeah, homey, you're their little gay avatar.

Damn straight.

Strong leader blazin' a path.

Man, there ain't nothin' straight

or strong about you.

You need to stop smellin' your own farts.

Mmm, I like how it smells.

Oh, sick.

Yeah, of course you do. Gross.

Even Daddy had to give it up to me.

Okay.

I cannot believe he brought Miss Lori here today, though.

Did not want to see her grinnin' face this a.m.

Oh, God, here comes ol' grinnin' ass now.

Y'all hidin' out over here?

Maybe we just don't want to see no more

senior sexcapades, darlin'.

The slurping of the holes is burned into our memory,

a scar upon the mind.

Permanent psychological damage.

I am truly sorry that y'all had to witness that.

And I promise you, next time, we gon' lock that door.

Our mama never locked us out.

I know this is awkward and embarrassing,

and I know y'all are upset.

But it's me, Lori.

Remember? Y'all like me.

I mean, can't we just please do a restart?

As the children of Elijah, our birth father,

we formally reject this union.

Have it be writ into the record that there'll be no more

peace talks, nor truces.

Yep.

So am I to understand that this is how it's gonna be?

both: Yeah. - This is it.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Yep. - I guess.

Okay, I think all y'all little cocksuckers

need to put on your big-boy pants

and get the fuck over it.

I wish you'd put on any pants at all

instead of 69-ing our daddy.

Miss Lori, we have refrained from unleashin'

our full power on you 'cause of your history with this family.

- Yep. - Oh, okay.

So please, please don't make us cut loose on your bony ass.

Ooh.

Please don't make us!

- Fuck it. - Yeah, fuck it.

Oh, this is really quite intimidating.

You know what's sad about this is,

I've just always wanted to be y'all's friend.

But if you want a motherfuckin' wicked stepmother,

then I guess I can sure as hell do that too.

- Stepmother? - Y'all ain't married.

No, y'all didn't get married for real, did you?

- Did you? - Did you?

- Did you guys get married? - Did you get married?

- Did you guys elope together? - Answer.

- But did y'all get mar- - I really shouldn't say.

Answer right now.

No, I shouldn't say.

And, you know, I feel like I probably

shouldn't tell you anything about my personal life

with your daddy.

Did y'all get mar-

Bye!

I love you.

- Quit. - Huh?

Did they get married?

Look at us.

A beautiful house, a great relationship,

a giant woman that do all the dirty work.

And I tell you what.

We just gettin' started.

Now we new money. - Yeah.

Now it's time to build that generational wealth.

Close your eyes.

Open them. Look at this right here.

This is my new project.

It's a young adult show about Jesus

being a teenager in Nazareth.

I call it "Teenjus."

Oh, so that's a teen show about Jesus?

Yes.

Baby Billy, that's really good.

I like teen dramas-

"Pretty Little Liars," "Gossip Women."

I'd watch "Tanjust."

Ain't no "Tanjust," Sola.

It's teen Jesus-"Teenjus."

Over here skimmin' leaves, eavesdroppin'.

Go inside that house and watch them sleepin' babies.

Go on!

Get!

Night night, Sola.

Now, this franchise catches fire,

we talkin' cultural touchstone.

It's gon' take us from first class to private jets.

Then maybe you can retire.

Retire?

What you talkin' about, retire?

I've spent my whole life

waitin' for these opportunities.

And I'm gon' strike this iron as hard as I can

while this motherfucker is red-hot, sweetie.

Lionel and Aimee-Leigh Jr.

ain't gon' be tiny tots forever.

Even if I don't feed 'em right, they'll get big.

I don't want you missin' it.

Well, I don't want to either, but I got to provide now.

I got to set y'all up.

I'm an old man, Tiff.

I don't know how long I got.

Baby Billy, don't talk like that.

You're gonna live forever.

Come in here.

Get in here. Get in here now.

Ah!

Damn it.

Oh, my God.

I can't even make a T.

You were tryin' to piss in the tub?

No, I fell in because I'm helpless.

I'm broken.

I'm half a man.

It's okay. I'll get you out of here.

No, it's not okay!

I refuse to sugarcoat this.

Our lives are forever changed because I couldn't

hit the backspin vault.

BJ, the doctor said with therapy,

you will totally walk again.

They're full of shit!

Okay, dude. You know what?

I'm tryin' to be sympathetic here,

but it's really hard when you're bein' a dickhead.

I don't even know who you are right now.

Me either.

Crippled, angry BJ is an entirely new thing for me.

I can already tell I fuckin' hate him,

but I guess we better get used to him.

Go.

I'm gonna stand up out of this bathtub on my own.

No, please, let me help you.

No!

Go, Judy!

Good afternoon, Judy.

Is it? I hadn't noticed.

Do you have a moment?

Let me ask questions too.

Oh.

What do you want?

I just came to drop somethin' off

and to see how you both are doin'.

Oh, guess what, Amber.

We're fuckin' miserable.

I'm so sorry.

But maybe I have somethin' that'll make it better.

A fuckin' Monchhichi?

What are we supposed to do with that, eat it?

No.

This is Dr. Watson.

He's a service animal.

I'm involved in a charity for disabled vets

that trains capuchin monkeys

to help with simple, everyday tasks.

So we just take it inside and it just, like,

runs around and shit?

Yeah, maybe it helps lighten the load,

maybe puts a smile on BJ's face.

Yeah, don't count on that happenin'.

But I mean, I guess we could give it a shot.

What do we do if we don't like him?

We just throw him out? - No, I will take it back.

No pressure.

? Let's build a tree house out of love ?

? Let's turn the whole world upside down ?

Let's build a tree house out of love ?

? Let's build a tree house out of love ?

? Let's kiss and tell and knuckle down ?

? Let's turn the whole world upside down ?

It is all comin' together, Keefe.

I'm just happy to see you smilin'

after all you've been through.

A project like this tree house

is exactly what I need.

I'm hugely successful and havin' a moment right now.

It's no time to be a sad sack, actin' all depressed.

No matter how big a load

is dropped on your chest,

you rise.

Next Top Christ Following Man event is coming up.

It's gonna be a live TV roundtable discussion.

- Wow. - It's gonna be a great chance

to drop some dank sound bites

and establish myself as a clear fave.

Will you be needing my assistance?

- Doy. - Doy.

Gonna need a cheerin' section.

Boop.

A section you shall have.

Kelvin, Kelvin, go.

Okay, let's get back to work.

Okay.

Caught you.

Aw. Busted.

Sneaky peeks.

Daddy issues?

Congrats, scumbag.

I hear Daddy's datin'.

You have a new stepmommy.

Nobody got no stepmommy.

Why don't you mind your own business and eff off, orphan?

No, you eff off, Jesse.

You went too far.

Firebombin' a church-

what kind of demon does such a thing?

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about.

But maybe don't put another mini-mall church there.

Seems like it could be bad mojo, perhaps.

Damn you.

I have half a mind

to drop a yellow kerchief on you

right here, right now, in this chamber.

What the hell's a yellow kerchief?

Looks like somebody hasn't read

his Cape and Pistol Manual, obviously.

If I drop a yellow kerchief on your foot,

it means I'm callin' you a coward.

And the only way you can prove that you're not a coward

is to duel-

pistols.

Boy...

I wish you would drop a yellow hanky on my boot.

I would love an excuse to murder you,

to blow that greasy haircut off the top of your fuckin' head.

You'd try, but you'd miss.

I'm only gonna tell you this once, so listen up.

Back up off me, son, if you know what's good for you.

You're nothing to me.

No, Jesse, I am somethin'-

somethin' you are never gonna forget.

New phone. Who dis?

Vance Simkins.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Stop playin' games. You know my name.

You know you know my name.

Does anyone know who this young woman is?

My name's Vance Simkins, damn it!

Hi, I'm Jesse Gemstone.

Pleasure to meet you.

I'm done playin' these childish games with you.

I'm way too mature for this.

Who are you?

Got him.

Got him, Daddy.

Smoked him.

Psst, psst, psst.

Hey.

Hey, boy.

What?

Come in here.

I have a surprise for you.

South Carolina legalized euthanasia?

I get to die?

Beej, come on, dude. Hush on that mess.

Hey, there's tons of wheelchair people who have great lives.

How about the president with the cold legs

who does talks by the fireplace?

FDR?

He's dead.

BJ, your problem is not with your legs.

It's with your attitude, doll baby.

I can't even do the simplest stuff.

Well, maybe you need a special friend who can.

Introducing Dr. Watson.

A monkey? What's he do?

Whatever you want.

You just call him with that bell

and then say commands to him and stuff, and he does it.

Like this. Watch.

Hey, Dr. Watson, why don't you go get me

a black cherry White Claw from the hall fridge?

There's no way he's gonna be able to tell

what a White Claw is.

That's not how service animals work, Judy.

That's insane.

It's Citrus Yuzu Smash, but it's still fuckin' rad.

As members of Jesse's leadership team,

we have been tasked with doin' a little diggin'

on one Miss Lori.

We did some look-'em-ups.

We scanned through Miss Lori's socials

and found all sorts of photos of her

with different male figures.

Yes.

On vacation, doin' hugs and laughter.

Harlot.

Hang on, hang on.

Levi, go back to that picture, dude.

Okay, zoom-zoom in.

Zoom, zoom, left, left.

Go to 0.3 on the pixelation on that.

Enhance that quadrant.

Little tighter in.

Damn it.

Those earrings are fuckin' cute, fuckin' bitch.

Wow, Jesse.

I mean, your guys have hit the jackpot.

What a treasure trove.

You know what?

I am too damn successful to be sittin' here

lookin' at Miss Lori's crab claw dinners

and sundress selfies.

Our presentation is not complete.

Have a little bit of respect, Kelvin,

and sit your damn TT bird down right now for five seconds.

Yeah, sit, you little twink.

Too damn successful.

These dudes did damn look-'em-ups,

and you're sittin' here tryin' to go fuckin' walk away?

Well, show us somethin'.

Who the hell is that?

Now, he works at the Benz dealership

where Miss Lori bought her car.

all: Big Dick Mitch?

Maybe his dick is big.

I can't tell with those slacks he has on.

His dick size is uncertain.

But unfortunately, so is his fate.

Big Dick Mitch is a missing person.

Get the fuck out of here.

Not you, Levi.

Levi looked up other dudes tagged in the photos.

More than a few are either missing or straight dead.

Drownings, suicides, car accidents.

Is this bitch a black widow?

We need to do some additional look-'em-ups.

Who else knows Miss Lori?

Who's somebody who has some real insight?

I don't know who that would be.

"Teenjus" is my young adult show

about Jesus being a teenager in Nazareth.

Why don't you call it "Teen Jesus"?

"Teenjus"- "teen" and "Jesus" mixed.

Yeah, but not mixed in a way that makes any sense.

You're just takin' the J from "Jesus"

and then skippin' ahead to the U and the S.

Like, that's not how you combine words.

If you're gonna combine words, it'd be "Teensus."

- "Teensus." - No, no.

I don't like that.

Also, it's fuckin' rude that you're usin'

the whole word of "teen"

but you're gonna shorten "Jesus."

That's our Lord and Savior, homey.

This ain't even up for discussion.

I got it.

Use the J from "Jesus."

You shorten "teen."

You call him Jean.

- Ooh. - Jean-okay, that's better.

Ain't nobody gonna call Jesus Jean.

Now, pull out them pocketbooks and green-light this.

Look, we ain't here to be talkin' about pitches

and green lights, all right?

We came here to talk about life and death.

What you know about Miss Lori?

You want to know about Miss Lori Milsap,

you don't need no AOL or the World Wide Web.

You need Baby Billy Freeman.

You got some dirt?

Is it juicy?

Could be.

Come in here.

Could be just the thing that sends Eli into a tailspin.

But I ain't tellin' y'all shit

until you give Baby Billy Freeman

what he wants.

And I got to get the cameras rollin' on "Teenjus," now.

- Oh, my God. - Come on, man.

- Oh, my God. - Fine. Green-lit.

Now, spill it.

Congratulations, another hit television show.

Yes.

All right, come in here.

Now, Miss Lori, now, see, she reached out to me

about bein' a part of Aimee-Leigh's

birthday celebration telethon,

sayin' she didn't have no money,

that she's broke and in debt, needed a gig.

Practically cryin' on the phone.

Well, I threw her a bone as a favor to your mama.

But...

- Mm-hmm. - Okay. Come on in.

It sure is interestin', though, ain't it?

Seein' as how she wound up in the arms

of your rich-ass daddy.

Sure does solve them money problems, don't it?

Oh, I forgot the bread.

Go get the multigrain bread from the counter, Dr. Watson.

Now return the multigrain to its proper place, Dr. Watson.

Now, y'all say stuff.

Don't just make me be the only one crushing him.

You guys do stuff to crush him too.

We already said we were gonna say stuff.

- Hey. - As-salaam alaikum.

Is that Daddy or Samuel L. Jackson?

Nice hat.

Lookin' like a fashion victim, Daddy.

Is she dressin' you now?

That's gross, dude.

You're pussy-whipped.

Kids, this has- this has gone on too long.

You better brace yourself because unfortunately,

we have some intel on your lady friend.

Mm-hmm, and you are not gonna like it.

Oh, good grief.

If you're gonna bad-mouth Lori, save it.

She's a possible serial killer, Daddy.

Like, a bunch of her boyfriends

are either dead, missing, murdered, or gone.

- Big Dick Mitch... - Heard of him?

He clocked out of work at the Benz dealership

and walked off the face of the fuckin' Earth.

He's disappeared, Daddy.

Big Dick Mitch, nowhere to be found.

This is ridiculous.

She's also in debt up to her eyeballs.

Miss Lori is a poverty person.

- Ooh-hoo-hoo. - She's poor.

I'm sorry to be the one to have to share that news, Daddy.

Finally see what she sees in Daddy.

She's usin' you for your money, honey.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.

She's tryin' to black widow that ass, Daddy.

It's obvious.

She's attempting to make you

a "Dateline" episode, son.

That's all this ever was.

God damn it.

You kids need to grow up!

The lies, the shit attitudes, the manipulations-

enough!

Why don't you just go ahead

and get killed for your money, then.

See if I care. I don't care. Just go do that, then.

That's so stupid. - I don't care, Daddy.

I won't sit here and listen to you trash Lori

because you're too immature to realize

that Mama ain't comin' back.

She's not.

And I'll be goddamned if I'm gonna spend

what's left of my life feelin' sad about it.

Yo, Slick Rick, you tryin' to take her side over ours?

Yeah, playboy.

Choose a side.

Us or her?

What's it gonna be?

Why'd you have to back him into a choice like that, Jesse?

That was so fuckin' stupid!

Kelvin's the one who teed him up.

I didn't tee him up. - Buzz off.

I have bigger things to do than bickerin' with

my underachievin' older bro and my unsexy nurse sister.

You better watch your fuckin' mouth, Corky.

I'm a very sexy nurse sister.

What the hell's wrong with you lately?

Actin' like a certified bitch.

Y'all just salty that I've lapped you

in both achievement and prestige.

My work with Prism-

more relevant than anything you two do.

That's right.

I'm makin' headlines.

I'm makin' myself look like a fool, y'all.

You're just actin' like a goddamn clown.

Self-absorbed- everyone sees it.

Clowns don't get nominated

for Top Christ Following Man, dummy.

Too bad that's a total sham.

I've never seen a more blatant example of tokenism.

Tokenism?

You a flavor of the month, son.

Your shit ain't real.

You ain't a Top Christ Following Man,

and you know it.

How dare you?

You know why they gave it to you.

You know why.

San Francisco.

That's rich.

You're a loser, Jesse.

Why don't you go cry in a Prayer Pod?

You fail at everything.

Your kids don't even like you-zero respect.

It's sad.

Damn, Kelvin, show some restraint.

And you-

Daddy doesn't even think about you.

Why waste the time?

We'd all be happiest if you just married

some powerful asshole and become their problem.

Instead you married a pole-dancing cripple.

Now both of you are our problem.

Sorry.

I'm just speakin' my truth.

Well, I was just makin' a joke.

This was just flapping hair to do a joke.

And you said stuff that's hurtful for real.

- No, you meant it. - I said a city, Kelvin.

That's all I did.

What's gonna happen if I say Fort Worth?

You gonna fuckin' stab me?

Hope you feel good about yourself.

I do feel good about myself.

both: Good.

- Good. - Good.

Good.

You're funny.

Oh!

You're such a gentleman.

I try.

Well, it's no Gemstone compound, but it's home.

Hey!

Mama said y'all were comin'.

Yeah, I figured it'd be best

to give everybody a little space.

Say no more.

I just popped by to drop you guys off some dinner.

A little Kung Pao Dynasty. - Ooh.

I also left your edibles by the microwave, Mama.

What's that? Edibles?

Darlin', they're like gummy bears,

except with marijuana in 'em.

Yeah, you're gonna like it.

Thank you for the treats, baby.

Have fun, you two.

Good to see you, Core.

I'm gonna get me a gummy.

- Yeah? - Yeah, I sure am.

The kids in the village will never give me

a fair shot, Johnny B.

Of course not, Teenjus.

They think you're- you're nothing more

than a carpenter's son.

You know, if I win the village dance contest,

there's no way I won't be accepted.

Through my moves and swagger,

I'll show them I am the chosen one.

Keep movin', you dirty Nazarenes.

Always up to mischief, are you, Teenjus?

When you finally gonna get your act together?

You're late for class.

Teenjus. Teenjus!

Give me some more smolder, now.

You hate this Roman soldier.

You want to rip his fuckin' face off.

But you can't, now,

'cause you're Teenjus.

So just be conflicted, now.

Now, turn around and think to yourself, fuck him!

And walk off slowly.

'Cause you don't want to fuck with a Roman

'cause they will crucify you.

Somebody get that donkey in focus.

Yes. And cut!

? Work that mother, work it to the bone ?

? If you're funky and you know it ?

? Throw dem hands up and show it ?

? If you're funky and you know it ?

? Throw dem hands up and show it ?

? If you're funky and you know it ?

? Throw dem hands up and show it ?

? And show it, and show it, and show it ?

Thank you, and welcome

to the Top Christ Following Man roundtable.

With me are nominees Vance Simkins,

Adam Kelly, Forrest Gill, Kelvin Gemstone,

and Reggie Daniels.

What's up, what's up, playas?

Stay blessed, y'all.

Tonight we will discuss an array of complex issues

facing Christians today.

So as King Solomon said, let's get the ball rollin'.

King Solomon.

Gentlemen, first question.

Should children be taught a comprehensive overview

of all major religions at school?

Yes.

I-I want this one.

Okay, kids are my specialty.

You see, children are the future.

You can mold them any which way you want.

What I teach my discipes-

sorry, that's what I call my flock,

discipes instead of disciples.

I teach them everything cool about Jesus.

You see, the Bible can be confusing,

so we translate it for modern, cutting-edge times.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

I certainly don't want to hurt anybody

or put a damper on the evening, but, uh...

God is tellin' me I gotta speak up on this issue.

- Oh. - You see, I follow Scripture.

- Mm. - That's my thing.

Okay.

And I believe all of us should follow the Scripture.

Of course.

What Kelvin here preaches, it's not Scripture.

Kelvin, how do you respond?

Well, Prism is the Bible, just through a different light.

Oh, brand shout-out.

Whoop, whoop!

But I already like the light it's in.

I don't need a different light.

You see, as a Christian, I have love for everyone, okay?

But a homosexual bein' included here,

something's not right.

Amen.

Well, I mean, that's just your opinion, so-

Excuse me. I'm-I'm still speaking.

Sadly, your nomination means that this great honor

has strayed from its core values

to now bein' more about just checkin' off a box.

Now, I know you get a room full of people,

and you'll get a room full of opinions.

But God's word is clear on this issue.

Pastor Gemstone, any response?

Um, um-

Uh, uh.

Cat got your tongue, didn't it?

Well, I mean, that's-there's lots

of parts of the Bible that are outdated.

But, like, also, it talks about not eating shellfish.

I've avoided shellfish for that very reason.

But by all means, if you think you got

more wisdom than the Bible...

Good luck to you, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

BJ, what is this? How did you-

I'm sorry I've been using you as a punching bag.

It's not right.

Thank you, Dr. Watson.

Can you also bring us some sparkling?

Glad to see you and Dr. Watson

gettin' along so well.

He really has helped.

He's given me somethin' else to focus on

other than my anger and questions of "why me?"

BJ, maybe God was testin' us with what he did to you.

Maybe he's testin' our faith in him

and our faith in each other.

You really think so?

Maybe.

I mean, you know any test we face, we fuckin' ace.

Especially now that my Daddy has desecrated

his relationship to Mama,

we're the best couple in this whole fuckin' family.

I love you, Judy.

Ow! Ow!

You want to do another gummy?

Ow!

If I do another one,

I'll be in outer space.

Get down.

Eli, there's somethin'

I haven't been straight with you about.

What are you talkin' about?

Me and you need to have a talk about my ex.

? Somebody's knockin' ?

? Should I let him in ?

? Lord, it's the devil ?

? Would you look at him ?

? I've heard about him, but I never dreamed ?

? He'd have blue eyes and blue jeans ?

? Well, somebody's talkin' ?

? He's whisperin' to me ?

? Your place or my place ?

? Well, which will it be ?

? I'm gettin' weaker and he's comin' on strong ?

? But I don't want to go wrong ?

? He must have tapped my telephone line ?

? He must have known I'm spendin' my time alone ?

? He says we'll have one heavenly night ?

? My fever's burnin', so he ought to be right at home ?

? Somebody's knockin' ?

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