Original subtitles

[chomps]

I'm a pizza-eating dinosaur.

[Rafael speaking]

This is my summer with my kids.

I'm just trying really hard

to have time with them individually.

It's time that they can't get back.

I don't want to have that regret.

Go!

Wow!

[Hilaria] What you doing?

[Carmen speaking]

This is how you get him to shut up.

Exfoliate all those, like, 66 years

of not washing your face.

Alec doesn't always do things in the most efficient way,

because he sort of obsesses about how it has to be done.

It's the OCD meets the ADHD.

I'm very impulsive.

I just want to do it right away.

This is why I always do Pao's projects on my own.

I see moments where you want to run away,

you want to deflect.

I've known you for over 13 years now.

And for you, it's always, "Well, I have to move.

Well, I have to quit this. Well, I have to do that."

[Alec] I do not want to go back to the life I had.

I don't.

I don't care.

I don't want to go back.

[tense music playing]

- [aristocratic music playing] - [birds chirping]

[Carmen] Zip up your fly.

- [Alec straining] - And, um...

I don't have a fly.

- What are you talking about? - I thought you were trying to zip up your fly,

and I'm, like, "Do it, like, upstairs."

I'm fixing my jacket... Oh, no, we have a pact.

I want to make an agreement with you right now

with our witnesses here.

[Carmen] All of our witnesses. My witness... [chuckles]

The agreement I want to have is

we're gonna only say positive things.

Nothing negative. No picking on, Daddy.

There's not much to pick on.

What's that line in King Lear?

How--

Thank you.

Thank you.

What's that great line in Lear?

- [opera music playing] - "How sharper than a serpent's tooth

is an ungrateful child."

You know that line, Carmen?

Oh, you smell.

You want to upstage me that way? Fine.

- I'll just look out this way. - You smell like horse poop.

- Shh. [laughs] - [horse snorting]

[opening theme music playing]

[horse neighs]

[dog barks and whines]

I have an estate home

done to a large degree, and...

[excitedly] Yay! Yes!

[Edu laughs]

[Alec] What's funny is wherever you acclimate to,

you don't want to go back.

Now people are like, "You're going to go back to work

and you want to do this, you want to do that."

I'm kind of, like... [sucking air through teeth]

"I don't know. I don't really know."

[Maria] Oh, [laughing] no.

[Alec] We have a lot of decisions we have to make

- before we go back to the city. - cat meows]

[Alec] What are we going to read? We're going to read...

- [Edu] Humpty Dumpty. - in English accent] ...The Three Bears.

- Here we go. - [Edu] Humpty Dumpty.

I'm going to teach you all about banking

- and capitalism. - Humpty Dumpty.

- Humpty Dumpty. - This is The Three Bears. [clears throat]

Humpty Dumpty. his is all about medical insurance.

Humpty Dumpty fell down

and broke into a lot of different pieces.

So he called his lawyer...

and he went to the hospital and had a lot of, uh,

- uh... work done. - [Maria laughing]

[Maria laughing and exclaiming]

Alec and I have a lot of similarities

with parenting.

We are very focused on being present.

We are very focused

on our kids being kind to each other.

Humpty Dumpty. No, don't hit him.

[clears throat] No No violence.

No violence.

No. Don't hurt her.

Alec loves those kids,

and he really wants to be around to enjoy them.

So Humpty Dumpty then sued,

and he was awarded

$19.5 million for damage.

That's Humpty Dumpty.

- [Maria] Yeah! - [Alec] And now Alice in Wonderland.

This is all about...

- Well, I don't want to say what it's about. - [Edu exclaiming]

- [continues exclaiming] - It's all about the perils

of hanging out with the wrong crowd.

- [Edu]...piggy charger. - [Hilaria] Okay. Let's see what happens...

- With the piggy charger? - [Hilaria]...when...

Oh, things have changed so much.

You know, really has changed.

I think when you're her age

and you have kids and you get older,

you get tougher.

- "...in a cottage on the edge of the great forest." - [Alec shushing]

- Shh, listen, listen, Mommy's gonna read to you. - [Edu screaming]

- [Hilaria] "There dwelt a little girl... - [speaks indistinctly]

...by the name of Mari Lu...

And for me, as I'm getting older and older,

I don't want to be tougher.

I don't want to be anything.

- I just want to be a father to my kids. - [Edu laughing]

And I want to just watch and see

what the years I have left is to experience

and not have it be about me.

- Whatever you do-- - [Edu]

I'm really old? Okay, great...

I'm going to go to sleep. Shh. I'm going to go to sleep.

- No. We can't play this game. - Whatever you do...

- We're playing the book game. - ...don't jump on me.

Don't jump on me.

[Hilaria speaking softly] It's dangerous.

[Edu laughs]

- Ah! - [Edu laughs]

- I couldn't jump by myself. - [Alec] Ah!

- [Maria laughing] - [Alec groaning softly]

- [Hilaria speaks indistinctly] - You kneed me

right in the old Galveston there, baby. [groans]

[Edu] I wanna do... I wanna do...

- Right in Corpus Christi there. [groans] - [Edu] I wanna do it again.

[Alec] You know, these kids are going to turn around,

and they're going to be ready to go to college.

And I'm going to be old.

Older.

I'm going to be old.

15 years from now, 14 years from now, I'll be 80.

I try not to think about that.

- [Edu laughing] - [Alec] What I need is

more time with my kids,

you know?

- [Edu laughing] - [Alec] Then they went home

and they listened to their parents

- for the rest of their lives. - [Hilaria] No.

- [Maria laughing] - The end.

[instrumental music playing]

[Emily] What side do you want? Which chair do you want?

Er, my left side is my better side.

Oh, my left side is [laughing] my better side.

Ooh, too bad.

- [Alec] Ooh. - That's not fair.

Sucks to be you.

I've been working with Alec for two and a half years.

Emily?

Emily?

When I first started, I was very...

just a little timid.

Write down, er, to do, Google, Neil Meron.

[Emily] Then I quickly realized

that Alec is the most normal person

you'll ever meet.

It's not the glitz and the glam.

Can Emily hear me?

Emily?

Being Alec's assistant is just being part of the family

and trying to help keep their lives

be as smooth and seamless as possible.

With the seven kids and with the four cats

and with all the dogs,

a lot comes up with them

because both he and Hilaria are very busy people.

So it could be anything

from helping them schedule

their back-to-school doctor appointments

or fixing a cracked windshield. So...

Every day brings something new. [laughing]

Let's do the day.

Doing the day.

- Uh-- No! - Every single person--

I knew you were going to say this!

- Every single person... - I knew

- you're going to say this. - ...who's ever done this job...

- I shouldn't have said it. - ...has said the same thing.

- Oh, my God. - 'Cause they always find it kind of interesting.

"Doing the day", they'll say.

In the same cadence, they go,

- "Doing the day." - Doing the day.

- Here we go. Let's do this. - Doing the day.,

And they do it with a little effusiveness,

'cause that meant we're done.

- [laughing] Yeah. Like, get on with it. - And they can go on their...

Yeah, "Let's get this over with so I can go play volleyball."

- I think Emily was a really good companion. - [Alec] Oh, yeah.

And you guys would go to the gym together.

- We went to the gym, Emily and I. - They are buddies.

Emily's a good buddy.

- Emily and I were bros. - Literally the best.

Let's do the day.

Doing the day.

Um, we emailed [bleep] PR rep.

iHeart sent the profit statements for Q2.

That's great.

And then Jeff Costikyan sent

the before and after pictures of the rug

and said he'll send photos of the completed product.

Um, and I'm trying to think where could it go

that those [bleep] dogs

aren't going to get anywhere near them.

I'm sorry, America.

- [Emily laughing] - I'm upset.

I'm upset.

[dog whines]

A lot of people ask me

what Alec is like as a boss.

I think a lot of people have sort of,

you know, ideas already made up in their head

of the type of person that he is,

that he has this really intense energy

and, you know, is very demanding.

But he's an actor, of course,

so he... he loves,

you know, bringing that emotional play into things.

And the most minor thing could go wrong,

and his favorite buzzword will be, "It's a disaster."

[Alec] This room,

it's a disaster.

Oh, God. This is a disaster.

[Emily] If the kid spills a snack,

he's, "Oh, my God, it's a disaster."

[Alec] It's a disaster.

You want to talk about movies and scripts?

You have a lot to read.

Yeah, I have a lot to read.

All my life,

you'd read scripts,

and there were some

you'd close the script,

and you'd be like,

I'm in.

I'll never forget when I did Prelude to a Kiss.

One reading, one afternoon, two hours.

I can put myself there now. I'm in my old apartment.

I think it was raining out,

- but maybe, and I'm just embellishing here... - [chuckles]

...and then I finish the script and I close it,

I pick up the phone, I call my agent,

I go, "I'm in."

Only recently now am I getting really good job opportunities.

But these kids,

just the joy

and the gift of being able to, uh,

stay home a lot and be with them.

'Cause when I'm here,

it's easy for them to ignore me.

But that's the rule with fathers especially,

which is as long as you're there,

they want to know you're there.

When I'm not here and I'm gone, they're like,

"Where are you?"

And they're very adamant

that everything's better if I'm here with them.

They don't necessarily want to talk to me,

interact with me, but they're like, you know,

"I just want to make sure you're over there

in that chair."

- Do we have anything else Monday? - [Emily] Nope.

Nothing else on Monday.

And in four years of playing Trump,

I do that now. I'm like,

- "Anything else on Monday?" - [Emily laughing]

I like, snap into this, like, posture.

One of the funniest things

that I tell people about Alec is

that Alec insists on using

a Microsoft Word calendar template

that he has been using for,

I don't even want to know how long,

but I've been using it every day

for the last two and a half years.

And it's so funny

because we make

so many changes every single day.

So nothing Tuesday, nothing Wednesday?

And then Wednesday would be the boat.

- On Wednesday? - Yep.

And I'm like, "Wouldn't it make more sense

to just have an online calendar?

That way, as soon as we make an adjustment,

it'll show up for you."

But instead, he has to wait until 8:00 p.m. every night

for me to send the new Microsoft Word calendar.

- That was the day. - Done the day.

Louie!

Baby!

Am I coming here to present the child...

[Emily laughs]

...in the grand living room?

- [in English accent] I suppose you are, actually. - Your Highness...

- Yes. Yes. - ...I would like to present to you...

- [Alec] Bring me my youngest child. - [Emily laughs]

...your eighth child.

[Lucia] Are you the ball chunk?

[Alec] I'm the ball chunk?

Ooh, was that a tiara?

- [Hilaria] It's literally a tiara. - Ooh.

[Alec squealing intermittently]

I think people assume,

you know, because Alec is such a big Hollywood figure,

that he's someone that's always out on the town

and running to these events and red carpet

and very glamorous this, glamorous that.

How are you, sweetie?

How was camp today? Was it fun?

Yes, he's an amazing actor with an incredible career,

but at the end of the day,

he is just a dad of seven kids

who just wants to give them the best life possible.

Oh, you're picking your nose and wiping it on my jacket?

Oh, I feel so at home.

[high-pitched] Hi!

[baby cooing]

[Alec baby-talking in a high-pitch]

[kid] What are you cleaning? What are you cleaning?

I've never met someone

who is as passionate about organization as Alec.

[kid] Are you cleaning?

[Hilaria] Just like Daddy.

Don't touch the very breakable thing.

[Emily] "I just want to clean it.

I can't rest.

I can't eat until [chuckling] this table is clean.

[Alec] Is this your magnifier thing?

[Lucia speaking]

- Baby... [chuckling] She's having a poop on you. - [Emily laughs]

No!

We only have a few weeks left of summer.

And we're going to go back into the city.

It's going to get hectic.

School is going to start.

So I really want to take this time now

to figure out how do we want our life to be

and taking the next steps forward.

How do I get the hell out of here?

[Emily laughs]

[rapid piano music playing]

[Edu burps]

[burps]

[laughing] Why do you do that?

You and him, you know?

Look at me.

You're the other expert at that, where you go...

[burps]

Give me a [burps].

[burps]

[Alec laughs]

These are my sons!

Oh, no! What have I done?

You know, I had one child

when I was more age appropriate.

When you have one child, it's a...

it's a different situation.

I'm older.

And I have a lot of boys.

We had four boys in a row.

I'm slugging each other every 20 minutes,

and you're kind of a... camp counselor.

But I love it, and the kids love it, too.

...than me? You think you're stronger than me?

Get up. Say I'm Grandpa.

Wait, listen to me.

[mimicking old man] I'm sitting here

on the park bench near the pond.

And whatever you do, don't touch me.

You understand?

- Okay. - You, too.

You and this little punk right here.

[boy laughs]

You, get out of the way, sonny.

The joy of being able

to stay home a lot and be with them...

- [speaks indistinctly] - [boy laughs]

[Alec] ...they love that.

Back when I was working all the time,

we'd make films and TV shows.

I used to make movies that were 12 weeks,

60 days.

I did 70.

Some I did 80.

I was away from my family.

And it's how it's got to be.

We did at in the Hat for like 100.

The time is just lost.

[indistinct conversation]

[Alec] It's not...

It's just not my life anymore to go away.

You rotten little punks.

I think the biggest concern, of course, is

that I'm 66 years old.

How dare you?

I'm going to go to sleep.

Whatever you do, don't bother me.

Maybe I'll retire.

I'm not going to do [bleep].

I'm going to have some fun and be with my kids

and read and sleep all day.

Maybe eat some... a piece of pizza.

Pizza's a hot meal. Don't knock it.

- Mommy's playing hoops. I'm playing grandpa. - [Leo] I'm the grandpa.

Something I don't like about this.

I'm Romeo.

I'm six.

[Hilaria] Say it super happy.

I'm Romeo and I'm six.

[Hilaria] Say it now really mad.

[in low voice] I'm Romeo and I'm six.

Now say it like your daddy.

[in hollow voice] I'm Romeo and I'm six.

Now say it like your mommy.

[high-pitched] I'm Romeo and I'm six.

What's your favorite thing about daddy?

My favorite thing about Daddy,

he just gave me those hot Cheetos

that were amazing.

What's your favorite thing about Mommy?

You are my favorite thing about you.

Ah, so nice.

And Daddy's my favorite thing about Daddy.

And I love him

buying me stuff.

All kids do a variation of the same thing,

manipulate you for what they want.

Like with Romeo, we were into a run now

of about six months.

We're into it about six months

where I would say to him, he goes,

"Could you buy me this for my iPad?

$19.99."

And I go, "I just bought it for you yesterday."

He goes, "I know,

but could you buy it for me, please?

You know, I really want it. It's $19.99.

Come on! Come on!"

[boys speaking indistinctly]

Okay, but not today, in the morning.

"You promised me, I'm going to buy this for you now,

and you're not going to ask me again this week, right?"

And he's like,

"Yeah, okay."

The next day, it's like,

"I know I said that,

but could you buy this for me?"

I mean, Romeo is just incessant.

He is like a dog on a bone.

[Hilaria] Is he a softy,

and he always will get you $9.99 on Roblox?

Yes. You have to start doing that, too.

[Hilaria] I know. You know what's so convenient?

I just don't learn the password.

[Alec] Romeo just does not accept.

He's like...

"Come on."

And finally you give in because you're like,

"I can't."

And kids know... Isn't it amazing how kids know that?

"If I keep harassing you,

you're going to give in.

You know it.

Let's save us both some time.

You know if I keep doing this,

you're going to buy me the $19.99.

So why don't we save ourselves some time and trouble

and, you know, just buy it for me."

[curious instrumental music playing]

[Carmen] So which pillow do you want?

Okay.

I really love my siblings.

I just like taking care of all of them.

You want the face mask here? Okay.

I have, like, my own technique of taking care of all of them

in different ways.

You want to smell this?

Mmm.

[Carmen] Mmm.

- [Ilaria] Mmm. - Do you want to put some on?

- [Ilaria] No. - No?

I'll do skincare on the baby, like, twice a week.

Close your eyes.

This.

Here you go.

Depends what she wants me to put on her face.

Sometimes it's just like lip products,

lash products when my mom's not looking.

Close your eyes.

Up. Like this.

[dispenser spritzes]

[Carmen] Doesn't get in your eyes.

[Hilaria] Carmen loves skincare.

She has evolved that to researching things.

I mean, like, "Oh, rice water is good

to make your hair shiny,

and vitamin C is good for this."

She's experimenting with it.

[Carmen] Can I put stuff on your face?

- No. No. No. - Can I put it on your face?

I do my brothers' skincare almost every night.

Put more on. Come on.

- No, it hurts. - No, just like a little.

- It hurts. It hurts. - Just a little bit. Just a little bit.

- It won't hurt. It won't hurt! - [grunting]

No, it will hurt.

[Carmen] And I'll, like, put perfume on them

so they smell good, of course,

'cause I don't want stinky brothers.

Carmen is really, really unique. She's unique.

She was adorable and funny from the get-go.

[Hilaria laughing]

- [Carmen] Mmm. - [Alec] My pleasure.

[Hilaria laughing]

Carmen was an only child.

- That was the best year of my life. - For two years.

- When she was born... - Best years.

...she was our first child. Hilaria and I.

[Carmen] I see you next week

- in the pond. - [car beeps]

- You're gonna drive? - [Hilaria] She says she's going to see you next week

at the pond.

"I'll see you next week at the pond?" Okay.

See you next week at the pond.

[Hilaria laughing]

I said my first sentence at like seven months.

She hasn't stopped since.

[Carmen] Go nuts. Go nuts.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[chuckling] I think that's enough.

Do you want to put some on me?

[Carmen laughing]

[Alec] Carmen was crazy.

I go, "What are you putting in that blender?"

She's going to be like, "I'm putting in cayenne pepper

and hemp milk

and some lighter fluid."

- [Hilaria chuckles] - And you go,

- "Carmen, what are you doing?" She goes... - [bell dings]

"Well, you spray it on the bottom of your shoes

and then light it on fire,

it burns all the poop off your shoe

that you stepped in outside."

And you're looking at Carmen going...

Like, Carmen's capable of anything.

On my face.

[Carmen chuckling]

[Carmen chuckles]

[Ilaria speaking]

[Carmen] You want mama?

[Ilaria speaking]

[Carmen] How nice you look in the mirror. Oh, no.

- [Ilaria boops] - It's fine.

We'll do the lip mask later.

[instrumental music playing]

[dogs barking]

[Hilaria] Are you in here by yourself, little friend?

No, we definitely don't need these.

Thank you very much.

[knocking on door]

[Danny] Hello.

Hello.

- [Danny] Hello. - [dog barking]

- [both exclaiming] Hi. - [dog barking]

[Danny chuckles]

- [Hilaria] Oh, you smell so nice. - [dogs barking]

[Danny] Well, that's the shower that I took.

Capo, stop.

Danny is one of my very best friends.

I met him

a week after Alec and I got married.

And it was like love at first sight.

- Can we fix my hair first? - We can fix...

- Yeah, we can fix hair. Yeah. - 'Cause I ran home,

- jumped in the shower, and ran over. - And I promised you

that we would do hair.

- Yeah? - Uh-huh.

Danny stood with us the entire time

during the trial.

The level of gratitude

for those who stood with us,

and who dried our tears,

and who hugged us,

that's a true friend.

That's a true person.

So my curling iron,

the pin,

it's like starting to come out,

and I can't fix it, so I got another one.

- Oh. Well, I do not need a curling iron. - What do you need for...

What do you need for your...

Well, no, this is for me, for my hair.

All right. Well, as long as you're set.

You know... [laughing]

So, I mean, you know that I did a surgery.

[curious instrumental music playing]

You know, I'm, like, really natural,

but I decided to do, like, a little, like, mm.

[Hilaria] So, I mean, you know that I did a surgery

two weeks ago.

- [Danny] Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

[Danny] I kept sneaking a peek, actually.

You just... [laughing]

[Danny laughing]

[laughing] You just started blushing.

[both laughing]

He's like, "Well, if the cameras were not here,

I would literally be like, 'Okay, show me.'"

[Danny] Yeah. Well, yeah.

Well, since I was breastfeeding for so long,

and it was one of these things, like, I decided to do,

like, a little, like, mm.

A little up.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

I've been pregnant and/or breastfeeding

for over a decade.

I think this is the first time

that I've not been pregnant and/or breastfeeding

since I started having kids.

I got used to my body...

more or less a certain way

than, as most women know who breastfeed,

when the milk goes out...

it's a different, much lower reality.

It almost felt like my body wasn't my body anymore

because I was so used to my body being a certain way.

You know, whether you breastfeed, you don't breastfeed,

and you decide to do something, great.

For me, my decision, my journey was I breastfed.

I felt, you know,

comfortable in the way that I looked before.

I didn't look that way once the milk dried up,

and I made a choice.

So it's just to make myself feel okay, and that's okay.

Which, by the way, almost...

all of my girlfriends who have had kids have done--

It's a really, really, really common thing.

I do worry about Carmen.

She's a tween.

Anytime I do something that is...

in the realm of vanity,

I don't want them to feel

that they have to be a certain way.

And I want to try to protect Carmen

because I've experienced a lot of self-doubt

and listened to the criticism

more than I should have listened to it,

from opinions and certain types of media.

- I'm gonna wet my hair first. - Okay, so wait.

Listen, if you don't turn it on a lot,

it starts to like scream at you, my water.

I tried to have somebody fix it, but...

- [high-pitched resonating] - See, there it is.

That's the faucet?

Mmm-hmm.

[resonating continues]

That's ridiculous.

I know.

And the fact that they tell me

that the only thing they can do

is wait more time.

And I've been-- I'm so patient,

I've been waiting years.

[resonating continues]

- It sounds like-- - And it's the cold one, too.

So like when you brush your teeth,

- that's what happens. - You know what it sounds like?

It sounds like a Broadway show

as the orchestra is like warming up.

And they said, "You just need to wait

and it will stop doing it."

And I've been waiting for a couple of years

and it's still doing it.

[Danny] It's so freaking annoying.

[laughing] I know.

It's like, "That's as much water as you can use right now.

You're done."

[Danny] Oh, my God, you need like a doctorate in this.

Carmen loves creating her own recipes for skin care.

She's always playing and making fun stuff

made out of like orange juice and coffee.

One cup of water, let it sit for 10 minutes,

then put honey in it, and then put it on your face.

Leave it on for 10 minutes.

As I was watching my daughter play and do,

and this and that,

I called up my agent and I said,

"I feel like Carmen has a book in her."

We can write on this that all of these products

have been tested on me.

I had different like kids-in-the-kitchen books growing up.

What if we had something like that

where she can share her ideas

and stuff that she just does on her own

and is natural?

And so today is the day

that we are going to do the photos for Carmen's book.

Is it okay if I please do a little bit more concealer?

- Yes. - Thanks.

[Sequoia] You're amazing.

You're doing your own.

[Alec] Carmen, now, I didn't see that coming, actually.

She didn't strike me as she was that girly-girly,

you know what I mean?

Makeup and things like that, and her hair.

Or she's so...

for like two hours in the mirror

with her friends and going...

I mean, I've worked with Hollywood actresses

who are some of the most famous actors in the world,

they don't spend 45 minutes doing their lashes,

nor do their makeup artists.

You know what I mean? It's like-- [laughs]

[Sequoia] So, style,

we're going kind of silhouette style.

She's gonna shoot from here.

Okay. So, Carmen, I want you to pull in your back knee

up into your quad.

- Ready? - [Carmen] With the quad!

[photographer] Oh.

No.

Yes, I do.

Yeah, yeah, no.

You don't hesitate to speak your mind.

- I don't. - Yeah, you just say it.

You're just, boom.

You just say what you want to say--

But I do not act like Mom at all.

- You don't? - No.

You go like this.

[Sequoia laughs] Like a crane?

Same post. One, two, three, and same pose.

[laughing] We got it. That's beautiful.

I'm nothing like her.

Carmen, whatever you do, do not smile.

Beautiful, I love that.

That's a natural smile.

Like, look at your mom.

Yeah, cute. Very cute.

And now just move your eyes to her.

Beautiful. Okay, amazing.

Thank you very much.

[Hilaria] The biggest ladder I have,

I don't know if it's gonna be big enough.

[speaking indistinctly]

But I'll try.

The other day, Edu threw a toy spider on the roof

and I'm determined to find it.

Nobody climb on this, you hear me?

This is only for mommies.

[Edu speaking]

No, only for mommies.

Where is it?

If Alec knew I were doing this,

he'd insist on climbing up there by himself...

Shmeds, you threw it up here, right?

Like, I'm not making this up?

...and probably overanalyze it.

So I need to make sure he's distracted.

Maybe it's on the other side.

I used to have to like wait until Alec left the house,

but it's been amazing having a camera crew here

because I can be like, "Hey, guys, go interview him

about the history of the history

of the history of the history

of leaves falling off trees."

I never was a coffee drinker when I was a kid.

I never was a coffee drinker when I was in college.

No Starbucks back then, none.

It's 1976.

That's right 1976.

[Edu speaking]

[Hilaria] No, I'm shaking 'cause the whole ladder shakes.

Look.

Get a job on a soap opera,

you got to be to work at seven o'clock in the morning.

Thus begins my coffee journey.

It's a smaller ladder.

But it's less likely to break.

[Alec] When I wind up making movies in the '90s,

they always tell you, "Don't take a nap.

Don't go to sleep."

I mean, every now and then, I would.

[Hilaria] Okay, nada. Nada.

Nothing. So weird.

And Nicholson signs like, you know,

twenty-five copies of the contract,

closes the binder, looks at Kim and goes...

[imitating Jack Nicholson] "I never have to work another day of my life."

Because he got, like, merchandising.

Every Joker thing, he gets everything.

Lunch pails, you know, backpacks,

whatever, all that [bleep].

Yes?

I know you want a snack.

I'll be right there.

Bob De Niro came to this house,

he says, "You have a beer? A beer?"

I look and I go, "I only have Rolling Rock."

And he goes, "Oh, Rolling Rock?

Oh."

I don't have Robert De Niro's brand of beer

in my refrigerator, so the meeting's over.

Okay, I'll get you a snack. One second.

Baby, no. No. It's not...

We had a pot of coffee we called the Eternal Pot.

It was like the Eternal Flame in Arlington.

It was never off.

[Edu speaking]

[Hilaria] What?

Where?

You see it?

[Hilaria] Oh, my God, it's there!

Stop.

Okay.

[boy] Give it to me.

There we go.

[Hilaria in foreign language]

And now we can sleep at night.

[Alec] This little Mr. Coffee pot,

you have the basket with the filter in it

and the product and the little stem,

it was like about that long,

would let the water out very slowly.

I remember it like it was yesterday,

going... [imitates percolating]--

Did you find it?

- [boy] Yeah. - Where was it?

- [Edu] I-- I'm the one who found it. - [Hilaria] He found it.

Wait a second. Where?

[Edu speaking]

Can I show you something? Because I took film.

Look.

'Cause this is the only way I could see it.

This side, look. It's so dirty.

[Alec] It needs to be cleaned out, yeah.

I'll go up there with a blower.

I'll get up there, and I'll do it.

With the blower.

You will not get out there and do that.

That will be like literally the worst in the world--

[Alec] Wait, wait, wait--

- I did not say that. - Yeah. Mom--

I said he can't go on a ladder because he has--

because I'm afraid with his hips and stuff like that.

I was telling you a wonderful story about coffee.

- Mom. - But let's pause...

- Okay, but look. Look. - ...to make clear

- that I'm old and fat. - Wait. Hold on, hold on.

- Can we go back? Can we go back? - No, please, go ahead.

[Hilaria] Okay, nobody ever said that. Just wanted you to know.

[cell phone ringing]

Lulu, que pasa?

I am going with Emily

and we're gonna get our lashes done.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. That's good.

So, the most cool.

Love you, bye. Love you, guys. Behave yourselves.

[Emily] I'm so excited.

[Hilaria] So exciting.

I feel like we haven't done like

a girly thing together ever.

- I know. - I know. This is, like...

- the first of many. - I know. Alec is gonna be so jealous.

[Hilaria] Thank you!

[Emily] I love spending time with Hilaria

because Hilaria is someone who can be an incredible mom

and an equally incredible friend at the same time.

It has become a much stronger emotional bond

than I ever could have imagined.

When people ask me if I run his Instagram,

I get so offended.

I'm like, "Are you kidding me?"

Like, "Listen, I would not let his Instagram look like that."

Alec's Instagram tells you everything you need to know about him.

He really is just, again,

that dad grandpa figure that just posts on Instagram

the things that they just genuinely enjoy.

He'll like his own post, too.

He's needs to stop doing that.

That's not cool.

Don't like your own posts.

Emily is so funny,

and she just gets you through anything.

When you dressed up like Alec, that was the funniest,

the funniest, funniest thing.

And I can't believe like it actually worked.

No, it worked. That's the best part.

One day, we had a lot of paparazzi swarming their apartment,

and Hilaria was trying to leave for a dinner.

And Alec actually wasn't even there.

She dressed up like Alec to get me out of the house.

And it's not a job requirement,

but I just so happen to be around his height,

around six feet.

And so it was wintertime, which was great.

So we just layered on a few sweaters

and then his peacoat on top,

and we added a scarf, and obviously covered my head,

so all I did was just walk across the lobby

and we saw all the cameras flashing

and everybody yelling,

"Alec, Alec, Alec! Out here!"

And then Hilaria was able at that point

to sneak out of the side entrance.

To this day,

it was one of the best heists we've ever pulled off.

Then you like took off the coat,

and like you just walked out as yourself, right?

- [Emily] Yup. - Okay, that's it.

I like walked through

and I just gave them to the doorman,

and they were like, "Oh, okay, thank you."

And we were dying laughing.

And just to have those moments through such chaos

of just like, you know, laughing

and just taking a moment and finding the calm.

You know, I don't know if it was calm,

but it was definitely... it was definitely funny.

Hilaria and I definitely get into a lot of shenanigans,

but it's for the best. I promise.

Do you think Alec would actually ever quit acting?

No.

[both laughing]

Good to know.

Well, that's one of the things I've learned with him

as well as like, you know, because he's an artist,

because he's so passionate about things,

he feels things very strongly in the moment...

- Oh, yeah. - ...and it doesn't necessarily mean

that he's going to feel the same thing strongly ten minutes later.

- Yup. - And so, you know, something is this,

and then something is that.

It just took me a little bit

of understanding the way that he thinks...

- Yeah. - ...to be able to, you know,

kind of go from that.

Okay, let me see.

Wow, wow, wow.

Alec has his moments of like,

"I don't know if I should go back,"

and understandably so.

Oh, my God. I love.

But Alec would never walk away from acting.

He loves it so much.

It's the connection.

He just loves to connect with people,

and I don't think he'll ever stop.

Such nice lashes.

That's why when he's working with a crew of people,

he wants to go talk to everybody.

If I have anything to do with it,

I don't care if he's, you know,

making movies or plays or anything,

but I want him to feel that connection

because it makes him happy.

I love it. I love it.

That's very curly for what I'm used to.

[laughing] Trust me, like... No, I love it!

It looks great.

[Hilaria] Okay, first girly thing we've done together...

- I know! - ...check!

- Check. - [Hilaria] And we'll show up on time to the dinner.

- [Emily] Yeah. Against all odds. - With amazing lashes.

Oh, it's so nice out.

Look at that.

That was so good.

Thank you so much.

Alec is gonna be so jealous. [laughs]

It's a romantic date and I'm driving.

- I'm driving. - I'm driving.

- I'm driving. - I am driving.

- It's called fair. - Okay.

There's poop on your car.

I'm so glad you washed it.

I gotta get some car cleaner.

I'm not kidding. I think it's turkey poop on your car.

- [Hilaria] What? - Turkey poop.

The turkeys go through the fence here. See that?

- Right there. I've never seen-- - There's a hole in the fence

- or they fly over the fence. - There's no hole in the fence.

Then they... then they find-- There's a way.

- There's a hole in the ground... - There has to be a way.

...from a mole or something.

"A mole." A mole made a hole?

I saw the turkey,

and I saw it with, I would assume,

a mom and a dad,

two adult turkeys,

and like a ton, a ton, a ton of little baby turkeys.

And they were so cute--

I took a film of them.

We saw-- the kids and I saw turkeys.

- That was-- - I saw them-- the same one.

I took a film of it,

- and I was like maybe it's as many babies... - He loves the babies.

...as we have, because it was a lot of babies.

Let's have seven turkey babies.

Let's have turkey babies.

Did you just notice that sometimes

the two of us are talking at the same time,

and we're having totally separate conversations

and totally fine with the fact that neither one of us

- is acknowledging the other one's conversation-- - [imitating smoking]

[in French accent] This is love, you know.

This is marriage.

- Marriage. - It is marriage.

[Alec in accent still] Okay, we have to slow down now.

It is right here.

[Hilaria] Oh, no, this is not gonna be fun.

You want me to parallel park on camera?

I hate that.

Okay. You know what?

You can hear me.

This was a mean-- I don't like parallel parking.

[in regular voice] You can do it now. Cut. Cut hard.

- Can I cut hard? - Cut hard. Cut hard.

- I think that's too soon to cut hard. - Cut hard.

- Don't hit her. Cut hard. - I hate this!

- This was not a fun thing. - Don't hit her.

- This was back-- - Want me to park?

No! You guided me wrong in the parallel parking.

I should have gone a little bit more.

- I thought it was back. - [shushing]

[Alec] What happened to romance?

There's no more romance!

I quit!

Okay-- Okay.

- Hold on. Hold on. - Hard cut. Hard cut.

- Hard cut. - Hold on. Hold on.

Now we cut hard.

Is it too close in the front?

- No, you're fine. - No? We're good. We're good.

- We're good. - [reverse sensor beeping]

- You know what? - Oh, no, no-- Watch that car.

I'm good. No, I'm good. I see it.

- That's where I'm good. I'm good at the back-- - Oh, you see it?

I'm just not good at this part.

Can I tell you something?

There you go. I did it.

Okay, I kind of did it. You know what?

Yes, I'm good.

[Alec] Perfect.

- [Hilaria] How are you? - [host] Fine, thanks.

Welcome back, the two of you.

[Alec] Thank you.

- You'll be here. - Thank you.

- You're very welcome. - Thank you so much.

[Alec] Thank you, sir.

I'm dying for a piece of pizza.

Are you proud of me for parallel parking...

on the second try?

I am. I am, yeah.

- Normally, it takes you four tries. - It was fitting, so.

- [Chazz speaking] - [Alec] Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, how--

I mean, I want to say hi to you, too.

Hi. Alec. How are you?

- My wife Hilaria. - [Chazz] Yeah, sorry to-- Hello. Hi.

- How are you? - You knew--

How are you? What happened?

- I had a little surgery. - That's my wife Gianna.

- [Hilaria] Oh, my goodness. - Hi. Good to see you.

I'm home... and I would never say this to you,

this happens all the time, obviously,

and I'm in the TV room

and Bronx Tale omes on,

and you just keep watching it.

You don't stop-- You have to.

It's one of those movies where once you sit down,

you're gonna watch that movie.

And what are you doing now?

Me, too. It's good to see you.

It's good to see you, buddy.

Yeah. Yeah. It all went great.

- God bless. - So great to see you guys.

- [Hilaria] So nice to see you. - Feel better. We'll see ya.

Thanks, Chazz.

[Hilaria] I am starting to appreciate that the weight has lifted.

I think that if you carry something for a long time,

when that gets...

taken away in some manner,

I mean, it's always going to be awful.

It's always going to be awful.

Something awful happened.

But I am starting to realize

Alec and I can start to live in a way

where you don't have to feel it all the time.

One of the things that I sort of struggle with is

how are we going to heal

from a lot of the, you know,

crazy things that we've experienced?

[Alec] I'm so beat-up from what happened

that to go on after that and be really, really...

super-bitter and angry,

I don't have the space for that in my life. I don't.

I notice the difference in the kids, too?

Do you notice the difference in the kids?

- Yeah. - They used to ask me more about it,

and they were kind of like worried and...

But, I think-- I've noticed a difference

with the kids that they seem much more calm.

These kids, they've put up with a lot.

And they've-- they've learned to be very resilient.

I hope for them...

The kids talked about the case in the car today.

- Really? - Yes.

But that's the crazy thing about kids, too.

We think that they haven't been paying attention,

kids don't know things,

but actually they know way more,

and then they have to process it.

But I always think it's better

when they actually come out and say it.

Uh, kids pick up on things more than you realize.

I didn't realize how much they picked up

on this whole thing. I didn't.

Carmen and Raf, the two of them were more aware.

But with the kids,

I've never been through anything like this

in my entire life.

And I think this is very interesting, at least it is to me,

which is something you don't think about that often,

and then you-- you don't think about it at all, actually,

and you kind of discover this

in light of what has been going on.

I was on movie sets and TV sets.

Once I started to feel my way around them...

you know, I wasn't, you know, the biggest movie star,

I wasn't the greatest actor, you know...

once I felt I had something to share...

sets and stages and rehearsal rooms

and Broadway and movies, I mean, that was home.

That was home.

My home wasn't my home.

My first marriage, that wasn't my home.

I did not feel at home.

And I realize now...

not only do I not want that to be home,

it can't be home.

[Hilaria] What can't be home?

Sets and stages.

What do you like about acting?

Well, I like the challenge.

If you have a tough piece of material, like a play,

even something funny,

making that journey is fun.

[Hilaria] Mmm-hmm.

And if it's a drama,

it's not as much fun,

but it's...

challenging.

You go through your life and you're on a path,

and there's an inevitability to it.

You know, this is your life and it's going along,

and when someone reaches in and they turn the car off

and take the keys and you-- you weren't planning on that,

it's very abrupt.

But the one benefit of it, I think,

the one the silver lining to it is

now you can change directions if you want to.

And so, for me, what am I gonna do that works?

One of my hopes for you is that you can embrace

and feel okay with loving acting.

And with all the stuff that we've been through

over the past four years,

it's so easier to reject something first.

But then you're also rejecting something in yourself

that really loves to do it.

And I've seen you on so many different sets,

from 30 Rock

to different movies that you've done

to SNL--

SNL as fun.

Alec loves to work so much.

When he gets together with other actors,

it's like he's just... lights up.

I hope that he will get back to work.

I just think that he feels, um...

scared.

He loves his family

and he is an actor.

It's a balance that he struggles with.

And I think that is another element

of "I'm gonna pull myself in."

[Alec] I just want to, uh...

I wanna take care of my kids.

- I love 'em. - And you know what? Sometimes the best way...

to take care of the kids

is to take care of yourself.

With acting.

There's been so many fun experiences you've had,

and I hope that you, you know,

can stay soft and stay fun and stay free.

[Alec] I don't know. I'll say it.

I've done it for a while now, and I'm not gonna let it define me.

But...

I like being home.

You know, you don't have to choose.

It can be both.

I'm happy here, and I'm happy there.

- I'm only saying-- - This is part of my identity,

and this is part of my identity.

It doesn't have to be so, you know, hyper-focused.

Because then it allows you to, you know,

have both of your places together at the same time.

[Alec] I don't know.

I don't necessarily want to go back.

I heard it was someone's birthday!

[Hilaria squeals]

It's been a wild summer.

- Close your eyes. - [yelps]

Watching somebody else do yoga is--

Is my favorite!

...is literally not the same as doing yoga.

[Alec] I'll never forget this summer.

It's been very, very tough.

We lived for so long with this tremendous amount of stress,

and it's going to take us a while

to learn what the new normal is.

Lu! Lu!

[producer] Are you excited to go back to school?

No.

[Hilaria] For the first time, I have six kids in school.

Can we go now?

[hisses]

[both hissing]

Alec is going to do SNL.

Alec Baldwin is back.

[Hilaria] Cheers.

[Alec] Whenever I need some affirmations about this life,

my answer is always have a baby.

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