Original subtitles

?

-And this is it.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Despite losing half his stuff

in a divorce, Fox's soon-to-be step-dad

had a pretty impressive pad.

-Whoa.

Sweet pad.

-I don't wanna friggin' house-sit.

-It's just for one night.

Paul rented us a cabin out in Terra Nova.

-Ooh, a national park!

-Yeah. -Classy.

-You just gotta pop on by,

water a few plants, feed the fish.

Easy!

-Pfft. [knocks on tank]

-No, no, no! Do not touch!

You'll scare the eel.

Please.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): A slightly less cardboard version of Paul .

PAUL: Here we have the high-def 50-inch colour TV,

with surround sound system.

-Of course, we've gotta have that.

PAUL: Five CD carousel, dual cassette,

and a 14-channel graphic equalizer.

-I have a Mickey Mouse record player, myself,

but uh, I am in the market-

-Ah... don't touch.

Nothing.

Not even the light switches, okay?

[claps]

[giggles]

-[gasps] -[claps]

-[gasps] You have the Clapper?

Fox, your new house is awesome.

-I'm not living here.

-Yeah, I don't see how you could.

Three bedrooms, and one's a weight room,

and the other's a storage room for the weights.

So, I mean, not a lot of space

for a soon-to-be family of six and a pet eel.

SUZANNE: Well, this is all just temporary anyway.

After the wedding, we're gonna look for a bigger spot

where we can all be together, right?

-That's the plan. -Uh-huh.

-This is just the show home, so...

I don't really own it. We can't stay here, babe!

-Well, listen here, "babe," don't-

-Don't worry about this place!

Right? Because we'd love to help.

-No. Just Fox.

No guests.

-We don't want another New Year's.

PAUL: One little trick with the plants...

You just wanna use one ice cube at a time,

and that way... [smacks lips]

...you don't over-water 'em.

Would you like to try?

-I think I got it.

[clapping]

-No, Fox, my seizures!

[Suzanne sighs]

POP: Three... fifty.

Right, I've done my part.

-Well, just read the instructions again, will ya?

-"Drop pork chop into shaker bag."

"Shake...

"Then bake."

Think you can manage that?

-I have good news!

-You're gonna make supper?

-The Kareer Kollege found me a work term!

-Oh...

-I'm gonna be giving tours at a historic site!

-Atta' girl, Mary! What's the pay like?

-Well, it's a work term,

which they say is a "course upgrade,"

so I'll have to pay a small fee,

but, well, once I do, I get to graduate!

-Wow! Well, let's celebrate

with a nice home-cooked meal, hmm?

-Mmm, I have to study the guide book.

I start tomorrow!

[giggles]

Save me a pork chop!

I'll eat later.

-It's not that hard. -Ah...

-And... shake.

POP: Oh, boy...

We're gonna starve to death.

-The Party Wagon?

-Fresh from my car lot.

I just bought it from myself.

Okay, here's the plan:

Amanda here, dressed up as Logo Girl,

drives around and picks up lucky listeners.

Then she drops 'em off down to Benders Bar on George Street,

which I also just bought.

Buck a beer all night. You win to get in!

Mike, you broadcast the entire thing.

We establish Magic 97 as the station to get primed to

and Benders as the prime spot to get loaded.

Deadly, wha?

AMANDA: Yeah.

Deadly.

DICK: Mr. Bartlett, sir...

She's a dandy-lookin' rig, but...

drivin' around a bunch'a drunks sounds like trouble.

-The trouble with trouble, Dick, is people love trouble.

AMANDA: No, I get it.

We're promoting Magic 97 while helping curb drunk driving.

-Win-win.

-And you're loading up your new bar

with a bunch 'a drunk college kids.

-Win-win-win.

-Sure you're okay with this?

-[scoffs] I'm a big girl.

-So's he.

You got pluck.

You're going places, missy.

You're goin' places!

-Yeah... Goin' to hell.

Uh... guess I'll see you tonight.

-Relax, Dick.

Amanda can take care of herself.

She's part Dunphy.

?

-Your step-dad has an eel?

Lucky!

-He's not my friggin' step-dad.

-Yet.

I mean, Paul gave you a key, so he trusts you.

I mean, that's something, right?

BRAD: Listen up!

My folks cancelled their vacation

so there's no party tonight.

[crowd groans and mutters]

-I know, it sucks. Pass it on.

-Hey, uh, what's going on?

-Every year there's a grade 10 end-of-year blow-out party.

Brad was gonna host this year

'cause his parents were going on vacation,

but they just cancelled their trip because his mom

caught his dad cheating.

So... party's off.

-Well, I'd be more disappointed

if I were actually invited, but...

-Neither was I, so...

whatever.

-Grade 10's!

Shut up!

The party's moved to 1 Strawberry Tree Crescent.

8 pm, uh...

No parents around, so I'll see you there.

[crowd exclaiming]

MARK: Fox...

That's Paul's place!

-Yeah, so?

MIKE SR: What's that smell?

[kettle hissing]

-Good God!

Ah, Jesus!

[kettle clatters]

[hissing noise]

-You let the kettle boil dry!

The bottom's black!

-What? I-I just put that on.

Well... didn't I?

-What is all the racket about?

-Pop almost burned the bloody house down!

POP: Oh, the kettle's faulty.

I smell a lawsuit.

-Good God, Mary. What the hell do ya have on?

-It's one of my costumes I gotta wear

for the historic site.

For my internship!

So I can graduate!

-Oh, right, yeah. -Nice.

-Suppose you want me to go down there with ya

and take the tour and all that?

-God, no! I'm nervous enough as it is!

The missus from the college is gonna grade me.

It's okay.

You just stay the frig home out of it, hmm?

MARY: See you later!

-You are going, right?

-She told me to stay home!

-No, she said it was "okay."

Now, you remember when you were a kid

and you'd shag something up,

and I'd say, "Don't worry, son, it's okay"?

Well, it wasn't!

-I'll call a cab.

-Ah. Good.

I'll come with you.

We need a new kettle.

-Alright. I think that's it.

-Yeah, um...

Listen, Mike, I...

-I'm going with ya.

-Dick, she can handle herself.

-I'm not letting me daughter do this alone.

-You don't let me do anything.

I do what I want.

But, fine.

I'll let you drive while I work the mic.

-Dandy!

This'll make up for all the drives

I never got to give you when you was small.

-[chuckles]

-Hey, uh, what were you gonna say?

-Uh... it's nothing.

We'll talk later.

I gotta go be a superhero.

[Mike gasps]

[rock music]

-Fox!

Look, you can't throw this party.

-Watch me.

-But it's not your place!

And it- it's so last-minute, right?

You'd need a punch, light snacks,

maybe a dip of some kind-

-Okay, relax, will ya?

It's not a big deal.

It's just a few grade 10's, okay?

ADULT MARK (V.O.): We had our own forms

of social media back then...

[upbeat music]

?

[phone rings]

[inaudible conversation]

?

[inaudible conversation]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): And Fox's party went viral

back when viral was just the flu.

-Yes, b'y!

?

-Hey.

So, I've been thinking, and you're right.

-[exhales] Thank God.

Look, there's no shame in cancelling.

-I'm not cancelling the party.

-What was I right about?

-Being last-minute.

Look, I need your help getting ready.

Like, now.

-You mean pip off?

No, I have theatre arts!

-God, don't be a wuss.

-My art is my life.

Mr. Lewis always says that-

[rock sting]

-I think people prefer the soft cheezies to the hard.

-Good thinking.

Come on.

[flute music]

[fire crackles]

-Oh, 'ello, 'ello!

I didn't see you there!

Oh, I've no time for gawkers!

I am starting supper for the lord and the lady

of the house, I am.

Oh, bakin' the bread, making fish,

peelin' potatoes...

Well, such is the life of a scullery maid

in 1830's Newfoundland.

Which is right now.

Oh...

I makes the tea, I do!

POP: Well, mind that kettle.

They've been known to boil dry!

MIKE SR: Shut up, will ya?

MARY: Um...

Oh, look at the time! Oh, the...

Oh, the lady of the house will be back soon.

You crowd should move on.

She doesn't like landlubbers lollygaggin' about, hmm?

LINDA: Don't mind me, Mary.

Just pretend I'm not even here.

-What the frig are ya doing?

-Yeah, I tried to stop him,

but you know what he's like.

-I just wanted to show ya some support.

-I have worked too hard for you to shag this up for me!

Stay in the back and keep yer mouths shut.

POP: Ah...

[metal clinks]

-This is a nice one. Heh.

-Give me that!

MIKE JR: And it's time to check in with Logo Girl

at the Magic 97 Party Wagon.

[rock music]

AMANDA: [radio] It's Logo Girl, comin' at you live

from the Magic 97 Party Wagon!

We've got our first lucky listeners on board,

and they're headed to Benders on George!

[passengers yelling]

-And what club are you guys going to?

-All of 'em! We're on a pub crawl!

-Friggin' right! -Woo!

-But mostly Benders, right?

[indistinct yelling]

-Hey, quit your shaggin' back there

or I'll turn this rig around!

-[clicks button] -Alright!

Sounds like we've got some happy winners!

Remember: drive safe, arrive alive.

Magic 97 cares.

[peppy musical sting]

-I am so glad that's not me.

I wouldn't wanna be driving around in a van full of drunks.

?

[door unlatches]

FOX: Okay...

Um, that needs something.

MARK: What are you doing?

-It's just a splash. It's fine.

-Okay, this is getting outta hand, okay?

Why are you doing this?

-You're the one who told me

I should try and make more friends.

Geez.

-No, I think you're doing this out of spite.

Yeah, you're trying to break your mom and Paul up,

subconsciously.

-No, actually, I'm doing it consciously.

Paul's a dork.

Mom'd be better off without him.

-That's not your call.

It's your mom's.

It's not too late to cancel.

[doorbell rings]

FOX: Now it's too late.

MARK: Ah...

Sindhu. You're early.

SINDHU: Couldn't wait.

I'm ready to party. Woo!

[dignified chamber music]

-[someone clears throat] -What time is it?

-Oh my, wherever is that maid?

Ooh!

Oh... we have a dinner with the governor tonight

and there's so much to be done.

I hope she's finished peeling the potatoes.

Ah, such is the life of an admiral's wife!

-She's suckin' the life out of the place.

Do something.

Ask her a question.

-Mike Critch, VOCM News.

Life must have been hard back then.

Uh, I mean, now.

Can you elaborate?

-[quietly] Mike!

Um...

I mean, I do not understand you,

strange man from another time.

Hmm...!

POP: Hmm? Oh...

[clapping]

POP: Jesus, give her a little sugar.

?

-[sighs]

[Technotronic, "Pump Up The Jam" playing]

? Pump up the jam, pump it up ?

? While your feet are stomping and the jam is pumping ?

? Look ahead, the crowd is jumpin'... ?

PARTYGOER: Woo! [giggles]

RITCHE: Paul has great toys!

-Put that back!

-Oh, don't listen to him.

Touch as much stuff as you can. See?

-You're gonna leave prints!

-Okay, why are you so worried?

I mean, these kids are lightweights.

My baby brother's more on the go than this crowd.

BRAD: Heyyy!

[door closes]

-Let's party!

[crowd cheering]

-Okay, now can I worry?!

[booming house music]

?

? Pump up the jam ?

? Pump it up while your feet are stomping... ?

-Guys, come on! Just use a coaster!

[laughter and indistinct chatter]

[Mark gasps]

Can you turn down the music?

Okay, we need to get people to leave.

-I'm in a groove!

They love me!

[crowd cheering]

?

-It needs more booze.

-Do not do that!

PARTYGOER: Come on.

?

-Oh, Sindhu!

Can you stop them from tapping on the fish tank?

-No problem!

Shoo, shoo, shoo!

[vomiting]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Well... at least the fish got fed.

[crowd cheering]

SILVER FOX: This is Paul's house!

What the frig is goin' on?

FOX: What does it look like? I'm throwing a party!

-This is cracked! There are big kids here.

-But you're like 40.

-You are!

-This is Paul's place.

-Yeah, so? Paul's a dick!

-Yeah, but he's mom's dick.

-What...?

-You're going to ruin this for her!

You're supposed to be the smart one in the family.

Come on.

Childish.

-Fox, your brothers are-

-Hold on, okay?

?

?

-What are you doing?

-Nothin'.

Just looking around.

-Yeah, have at it, okay?

-No, Fox! Enough is enough.

You two, out!

Now!

Please?

[music thudding downstairs]

-The music is too loud, okay,

Sindhu threw up in the fish tank,

the punch is double-spiked, and those two...

were about to... do it... in Paul's bed.

Look, let's call it a night!

?

?

MARK: That's a nice picture of your mom.

-Yeah. Yeah, it is.

I think he really likes her.

I mean...

he keeps her photo on his nightstand.

-Pop keeps Nan's on his.

And I have yours on mine.

?

-I mean...

like, he's a massive dork, but...

I think he really does really like my mom.

-And that's something, right?

-Yeah.

-[glass breaks downstairs] -[crowd cheering]

-God, I'll never get them out.

-We can't...

But I know somebody who can.

[music thudding downstairs]

[dialling]

[line ringing]

-And now we're checking in with Logo Girl,

in the all-new Magic 97 Party Wagon!

[passengers snoring]

AMANDA: Well, Mike, we have some more...

lucky listeners who are comin' from an office party.

And boy, are they excited.

Woooo...!

Woooo!

-[laughs]

-God, I hates this.

What am I doing?

-We're experiencing technical difficulties, Mike.

Check in later.

MIKE: [radio] Okay.

Drive safe, Dick.

-I don't feel like a superhero.

MIKE JR: We'll be right back.

DICK: [over headset] You okay?

AMANDA: [over headset] I just feel stupid .

I wanna do more than driving around drunks.

I want to be a real reporter.

There is this journalism course on the mainland

that I wanted to take, but...

-So do it.

If I had your brains, I'd throw mine away.

AMANDA: [on headset] I don't have the heart to tell Mike .

-[button clicks] -You just did.

-Oh my God...

Mike, I'm so sorry.

-No.

No, no, no, don't- don't be.

Look, you have to follow your dream.

I'm... I'm already living mine.

It's just, um...

it's a bit smaller than yours.

-But what about us?

-They have phones, you know?

And I do take long-distance dedications.

-Ah, I gotta pull over.

My eyes is fogged up.

[military flute music]

-[in low voice] Listen up, men.

You've been caught deserting.

And the last man I caught...

ended up in the stocks.

They say that his spirit walks these floors...

and on a cold, cold night...

you still feel the icy grip-

-Ah... -[woman shrieks]

POP: Sorry, sorry. I, uh...

I-I was just looking for the pisser.

[laughter]

-Mike!

-I'm sorry, Mary.

It's just you're always supporting me.

I just wanted to be there for you.

-I love you for that.

But the next time you want to support me,

could you please stay the frig home out of it?

-Yeah.

LINDA: Mary?

The use of the old man to stir emotion in the tour group?

Nice touch.

-What old man? Wha...?

-Congratulations, you've earned your certificate

of Hospitality and Tourism.

-Oh!

-Well done, Mary!

LINDA: Yes, well done, well done, yes.

MARY: Oh!

-There's just the matter of the hundred-dollar

course completion fee.

POP: Oh...

What a rip-off.

[police sirens]

-Let's go!

Party's over!

Thanks for the tip, Mark.

MARK: Yeah, no problem, Officer Butt.

Happy to help.

-Gonna have to confiscate these beer for, uh,

proper disposal.

-'Course.

RITCHE: They loved me.

[bottles clinking]

?

-Thanks for this.

-You know, I'm good at ruining parties.

It's a gift.

-[chuckles] Dork.

Ugh, it's a friggin' mess.

[car starts outside]

-So, let's get at it.

?

[car driving off]

ADULT MARK (V.O.): When you're young,

life is one big party.

Even the clean-up can be fun...

if you're with the right people.

[soft, emotional music]

?

?

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Though sometimes you just need

to acknowledge when the party's over...

REPORTER: [TV] In provincial news...

MARY: Do it, do it, do it...

Yeah!

POP: A-ha!

REPORTER: [TV] Students of the Kareer Kollege arrived

at the school today only to find the doors locked shut.

Linda Lahey, CEO and instructor,

has filed for bankruptcy protection.

-Mary, cancel that cheque!

ADULT MARK (V.O.): A nd take the time

to put things back the way they were...

-Baby... -[they kiss]

-Everything's perfect.

ADULT MARK (V.O.): Or replace the things that got broken...

-Hmm...

BRAD: And then... the cops showed up!

I'm tellin' ya, best party ever!

ADULT MARK (V.O.): And take pride in a year-ender

that was absolutely legendary.

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