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1
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- It's just I never realized
2
00:00:04,547 --> 00:00:07,507
how good life could be
until they were here.
3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,968
- Some people say that
about grandkids,
4
00:00:09,969 --> 00:00:13,430
but kudos to you for saying it
about your breast implants.
5
00:00:13,431 --> 00:00:18,018
- Yeah.
Come give my babies a hug.
6
00:00:22,606 --> 00:00:24,983
- Is Abby hanging out
with her ex's mom?
7
00:00:24,984 --> 00:00:28,403
- Well, maybe there's a DUI
she needs taken care of.
8
00:00:28,404 --> 00:00:29,988
If there's one thing I know,
9
00:00:29,989 --> 00:00:34,034
it's boobs like that are made
for getting out of DUIs.
10
00:00:34,744 --> 00:00:37,454
- Hey, guys.
That Susan's a real firecracker.
11
00:00:37,455 --> 00:00:39,122
And by that I mean
12
00:00:39,123 --> 00:00:41,541
she's probably very dangerous
on the Fourth of July.
13
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:42,834
- Don't you think it's weird
you keep in touch
14
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,627
with your ex-boyfriend's mother?
15
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,546
- Yeah. There are better ways
to spend your time.
16
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,299
May I suggest... anything else.
17
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:51,551
- How is this different
from you keeping in touch
18
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:54,053
with your mother-in-law?
- I was married to her daughter.
19
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,181
And I-I'm also afraid
to cut her off.
20
00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:59,476
I think if I do,
she'll haunt me.
21
00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:01,394
- Your mother-in-law
is still around?
22
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:04,647
If she bites me,
will I also live forever?
23
00:01:04,648 --> 00:01:07,901
- You laugh, but she's bitten
a lot of nurses.
24
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:11,488
It's the main way I tell
that she's still alive.
25
00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,989
- You two are missing out.
26
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:15,575
Cutting people off
is one of life's great joys.
27
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,911
The only downside is
if you do it too well,
28
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:20,705
then there's no one
to share it with.
29
00:01:20,706 --> 00:01:23,958
- Well, I like Susan.
I think she's a lovely person.
30
00:01:23,959 --> 00:01:26,878
- It's a very simple question,
Father.
31
00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:30,883
When I go to heaven...
do these come with me?
32
00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:36,680
- Well, all dogs go to heaven.
Why can't the puppies?
33
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,476
[ Theme music plays ]
34
00:01:40,477 --> 00:01:45,563
{\an8}You know, a mustache pageant
is a time to come together.
35
00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:49,068
{\an8}But... not like this.
36
00:01:49,069 --> 00:01:52,237
{\an8}Case dismissed.
And word of advice-
37
00:01:52,238 --> 00:01:55,157
{\an8}If you're gonna brawl,
put your face in a ponytail.
38
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:57,450
{\an8}- It's ironic you two
are stuck together,
39
00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:01,871
{\an8}because you have the mustaches
of guys who will die alone.
40
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:05,041
{\an8}- [ Sniffs ]
That smell.
41
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:08,294
{\an8}You've been around rich people
today.
42
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:10,046
{\an8}- How could you have known that?
43
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:13,132
{\an8}- Well, extreme wealth gives off
a distinct scent.
44
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:17,095
{\an8}I'm picking up notes of...
single-malt scotch and...
45
00:02:17,096 --> 00:02:18,388
{\an8}[ Sniffs ]
46
00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:20,974
{\an8}...the tears of a butler.
- Ah.
47
00:02:20,975 --> 00:02:24,394
{\an8}Well, if you must know, I was
at a family funeral in Greenwich
48
00:02:24,395 --> 00:02:25,770
{\an8}for my Great-Aunt Muffy.
49
00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:27,772
{\an8}- Oh.
Sorry for your loss.
50
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,649
{\an8}I never know what to say.
51
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,569
{\an8}I'm just at a loss for words-
not comparing it to your loss.
52
00:02:32,570 --> 00:02:35,154
{\an8}A-A person is a bigger loss
than word loss.
53
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:37,700
{\an8}Oh!
Now I can't stop saying "loss."
54
00:02:37,701 --> 00:02:41,077
{\an8}Get well soon-
uh, to you, of course,
55
00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:44,581
{\an8}'cause your aunt can't.
[ Gasps ]
56
00:02:44,582 --> 00:02:47,709
{\an8}- Thank you for that journey,
Gurgs.
57
00:02:47,710 --> 00:02:48,960
{\an8}- So, hold on a second.
58
00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:50,879
{\an8}You went
to a Connecticut funeral
59
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:54,549
{\an8}for an impossibly old relative
with a childlike nickname.
60
00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:56,718
{\an8}Oh, my God.
You don't just come from money.
61
00:02:56,719 --> 00:02:58,261
{\an8}You come from
gin-in-the-morning,
62
00:02:58,262 --> 00:03:01,764
{\an8}Daddy's back-on-the-roof money.
63
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,600
{\an8}How did I not know this?
64
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:06,185
{\an8}- Because it's not something
I'm proud of.
65
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,313
{\an8}I mean, those people are-
are crazy.
66
00:03:08,314 --> 00:03:12,693
{\an8}- Uh-huh. And what do the voices
tell you you are?
67
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,946
{\an8}- I never really fit in.
68
00:03:16,947 --> 00:03:19,699
{\an8}I was always left out
of the midnight boat rides
69
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,744
{\an8}that... that often ended
in sex and murder
70
00:03:22,745 --> 00:03:25,331
{\an8}and when things got really dark,
a Kennedy.
71
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:30,666
{\an8}- That's a synopsis of every show
I'm watching on Netflix.
72
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:34,589
{\an8}- But then my Aunt Muffy
took a shining to me.
73
00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:38,802
{\an8}And by that I mean she attacked
me in a hedge maze with an ax.
74
00:03:38,803 --> 00:03:42,388
{\an8}But when I didn't rat on her,
I became her favorite.
75
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:45,850
{\an8}And now, after years
of being her human footstool,
76
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,686
{\an8}I stand to inherit her millions.
77
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,229
- Well, I-I wish you the best.
78
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,232
And when you buy your new,
fabulous apartment,
79
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,817
please invite me over
80
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:59,489
so I can slip and sue you
for Muffy's millions.
81
00:03:59,490 --> 00:04:01,449
- [ Groans ]
82
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:05,162
- You okay? You're groaning
like Dan looking at a tip jar.
83
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,498
- I'm dating someone
a few years younger,
84
00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:09,999
and it's hard to keep up.
85
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:11,668
There's so many activities-
86
00:04:11,669 --> 00:04:14,087
rope courses, fun runs, kayaking.
87
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:15,922
It's not like having
a girlfriend.
88
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,508
It's like dating a camp.
89
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,885
- Weren't you the one who said
that ropes courses
90
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:23,930
are for finance bros
who can't make friends?
91
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:27,267
- Well, the man who said that
never saw Candace in a tube top.
92
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,186
What about you, Judge?
93
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,021
Any weekend plans?
94
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:35,108
- Well, Jake's mom invited me
to a mah-jongg tournament,
95
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:39,278
so I will also be spending it
with a hottie in a tube top.
96
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,989
- Okay.
97
00:04:40,990 --> 00:04:43,533
There's no way this is actually
how you want to spend your time.
98
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,076
What are you doing
with this woman?
99
00:04:45,077 --> 00:04:46,452
- Gaining wisdom.
100
00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:48,705
There is a lot to learn
from a second-wave feminist
101
00:04:48,706 --> 00:04:50,331
who said there had to be
a second wave
102
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:53,376
because the first wave
were all fuglies.
103
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,544
Okay. Fine.
Fine.
104
00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:55,962
I've been spending time with her
105
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:58,006
as a way to stay updated
on Jake's life.
106
00:04:58,007 --> 00:04:59,215
- Oh!
107
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,135
This is such a bad idea.
108
00:05:02,136 --> 00:05:03,219
- Is it?
109
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,929
Or is it a worse idea
110
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:07,974
to let a great guy like Jake
get away over one tiny mistake?
111
00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,059
- Jake broke up with you
for lying to him.
112
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,812
So now, to win him back,
you're lying to his mother?
113
00:05:12,813 --> 00:05:15,732
- Well, yeah, you can make
anything sound bad
114
00:05:15,733 --> 00:05:18,568
when you state
exactly what I'm doing.
115
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:21,529
{\an8}?
116
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,698
- And I legally attest that I am
117
00:05:23,699 --> 00:05:27,702
Julianne Pennsylvania Railroad
Walters.
118
00:05:27,703 --> 00:05:31,414
- As executor
of your great-aunt's estate,
119
00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:35,502
allow me to read the letter
she left for you.
120
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:41,591
Don't mind us.
Just eavesdropping.
121
00:05:41,592 --> 00:05:43,968
By the way, you smell terrific.
122
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,261
Oh.
123
00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:46,929
"Dearest Julianne,
124
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:50,892
You were always a strange,
explosive child
125
00:05:50,893 --> 00:05:53,102
and therefore my favorite."
- Oh!
126
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:55,396
Well, looks like I hit
the jackpot-
127
00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:59,358
first genetically
and now financially.
128
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:02,236
- "I watched you blossom
into a volatile,
129
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:06,949
sexually aggressive time bomb
who deserves nothing..."
130
00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:09,870
Uh- Uh...
"...but the best."
131
00:06:09,871 --> 00:06:12,789
It goes on like that
for 17 pages.
132
00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:15,166
- Oh, does it, really?
Give me that.
133
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:17,710
All right. Let's see here.
Uh, "afternoons by the lake."
134
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:20,838
"Roosevelt was a coward."
Wh- I...
135
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:24,009
"What it's like to hunt
a human."
136
00:06:24,010 --> 00:06:26,719
Oh. Oh. Here. Here, here, here.
"Inheritance."
137
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,138
- What did I get?
10 million? 20?
138
00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,265
- Oh, oh, oh.
It is big.
139
00:06:31,266 --> 00:06:34,812
- Is it a blimp? [ Gasps ]
Is it a Jurassic park?
140
00:06:35,479 --> 00:06:36,813
- It's Gloria.
141
00:06:36,814 --> 00:06:38,981
- The cousin they sent away
for a lobotomy?
142
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:40,733
- No. Gloria's a horse.
- [ Gasps ]
143
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,318
A Jurassic horse?!
144
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:45,488
- After everything I did
for that woman.
145
00:06:45,489 --> 00:06:46,823
And I read to her.
146
00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:49,200
I picked kitty litter
out of her hair.
147
00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:51,452
I puppeteered her hand
when she wanted to wave
148
00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:55,665
at children out the window
like some creepy ghoul.
149
00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:58,167
And for that, I get a horse.
150
00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,878
- It could be worse.
It could be the lobotomy cousin.
151
00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,505
- Oh, please.
152
00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:05,716
She's in a gorgeous facility
with a stunning view.
153
00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:08,678
{\an8}?
154
00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:10,763
- That mah-jongg game
was intense.
155
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:15,643
I doubt people in the 1800s
called each other "tile slut."
156
00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:17,353
- You have to understand.
157
00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:20,607
When the pot gets up to $15,
people are going to get hurt.
158
00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:25,361
But they will all cool down
by my birthday party.
159
00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:28,114
You're coming, aren't you?
- Ah.
160
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,866
Right.
Your birthday.
161
00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:32,451
Look, Susan.
I-I don't think I should go.
162
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,704
You're great,
but if I'm being honest,
163
00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:38,207
I'm mainly just spending time
with you to get closer to Jake.
164
00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:42,171
- So?
I'm doing the same thing.
165
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:46,133
Do you think I'm here
because you're a fun hang?
166
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,926
No!
167
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:52,514
You and Jake were
the perfect pair!
168
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:56,101
Kind of like...
- Your boobs, Susan. We know.
169
00:07:57,519 --> 00:08:00,688
Do you think there's any chance
that Jake feels the same way?
170
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:03,441
- Oh, Abby.
I know he does.
171
00:08:03,442 --> 00:08:07,570
And he'll be at my party,
so you have to be there, too.
172
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:14,494
All I ask is when my son finally
mounts you like a Clydesdale...
173
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,414
...promise you'll think of me.
174
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,166
- Damn it, Susan.
175
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:22,835
Now you're the only thing
I'm gonna think about.
176
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,504
{\an8}?
177
00:08:25,761 --> 00:08:29,550
- You know, all this will talk
has me thinking.
178
00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,661
If I die, will you take care
of my lizards?
179
00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:34,430
- Well, you'll be dead.
180
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:38,143
So as far as you know, they'll
get the best of everything.
181
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:41,688
- [ Screaming ]
182
00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:44,607
- Finally sink in
that you work here?
183
00:08:44,608 --> 00:08:48,277
I do those screams
on the inside now.
184
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:51,447
- Now you'll never believe who
got all of Aunt Muffy's money.
185
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:52,865
That stupid horse!
186
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:55,201
- W-Why are you mad?
The horse is rich.
187
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:57,036
You have the horse.
Ergo, you're rich.
188
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,663
- Are you worried that the money
will change you?
189
00:08:58,664 --> 00:09:00,331
I-I think I speak for all of us
190
00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:03,502
when I say that we'll be fine
if you're different.
191
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,128
- Okay.
There's only one problem.
192
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,797
I gave the horse away.
193
00:09:07,798 --> 00:09:10,258
- Who did you find to take
a horse in less than a day?
194
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:13,970
- ? Guess who has a horse ?
195
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:15,638
[ Laughs ]
196
00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:19,600
And I wouldn't trade her
for all the money in the world.
197
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:22,853
Thank you, Jules, for allowing
me to live the dream
198
00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:25,189
that is urban horse ownership.
199
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:26,816
Oh. Have a cigar.
200
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:29,151
I'm a proud horse daddy.
201
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:31,862
- Floby, does she prefer a trot
or a canter?
202
00:09:31,863 --> 00:09:34,199
You know what?
I will ask her myself.
203
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,661
- I-I need to get
that horse back.
204
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:41,247
Can you talk to him?
He listens to you.
205
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,165
You convinced him not to eat
that cheese
206
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,667
he found on the ground.
207
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:47,461
- I got lucky. He had
a huge lunch that day.
208
00:09:47,462 --> 00:09:50,339
- What if I said that there's
a finder's fee in it for you?
209
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,341
- I will not put a price
on friendship.
210
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,176
Not at least until I do
some research
211
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,304
and see what friendships
are going for these days.
212
00:09:56,305 --> 00:09:59,098
- Fine, fine, but let's just
keep this between us.
213
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,350
You know,
word travels fast around here.
214
00:10:01,351 --> 00:10:03,352
- Hey!
Word is my horse is rich!
215
00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:07,107
- Ohh.
- My fee just doubled.
216
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:12,403
[ Up-tempo music playing ]
217
00:10:12,404 --> 00:10:16,115
{\an8}?
218
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:19,285
- When you told me we were going
to a '70s disco,
219
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:22,622
I thought you meant the decade,
not the demographic.
220
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:27,668
I still don't know
why I had to be your plus-one.
221
00:10:27,669 --> 00:10:29,211
- I need a wingman.
222
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,297
And because Susan gave me
that outfit and said,
223
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,174
"Fill it up
with some man candy."
224
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:36,052
- You know you're my boss.
225
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:37,553
- And you know "man candy"
226
00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:39,889
is the less-gross version
of what she said.
227
00:10:39,890 --> 00:10:42,850
- Well, this is better
than the date Candace planned.
228
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:45,728
She signed us up for a hike.
I don't want to hike!
229
00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:48,522
And who did she sign us up with?
The woods?
230
00:10:48,523 --> 00:10:51,567
- [ Gasps ] There's Jake.
What are we gonna do?
231
00:10:51,568 --> 00:10:54,111
You're my wingman.
Wing, Wyatt. Wing!
232
00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:57,323
Uh, w- w- Your instinct
is going to be to dance.
233
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,033
Under no circumstances-
234
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:02,078
- Step aside, daddy-o.
I gotta dance.
235
00:11:02,079 --> 00:11:05,456
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
236
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:26,102
{\an8}?
237
00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:28,354
- Abby!
You made it.
238
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:31,816
- Susan, who is Jake dancing with
and kissing with?
239
00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:34,318
- Oh, that's just Lucy.
240
00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:37,613
It's Jake's girlfriend.
Did I not mention her?
241
00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:38,781
- No, you didn't.
242
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:40,574
You never mentioned
Jake's girlfriend.
243
00:11:40,575 --> 00:11:43,119
Yet somehow I know all about
the emotional affair
244
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,079
you're having
with your married mailman.
245
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,124
- It's sexy because sometimes
he lets me open
246
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:50,209
other people's mail.
247
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,044
- First you lied to me
about Jake, and now
248
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,922
you're admitting to a federal
crime in front of a judge.
249
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,549
- It's federal?
250
00:11:56,550 --> 00:11:59,427
Oh, that makes it
so much hotter.
251
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,388
{\an8}?
252
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,142
- Oh. Julianne.
Bad news.
253
00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:08,144
Uh, it's gonna be no go
on the horse.
254
00:12:08,145 --> 00:12:10,646
Murray, he's just a tough nut
to crack.
255
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,399
I...I let you down,
and for that, I'm truly sorry.
256
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,986
- Hold on.
You're never sorry.
257
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:18,529
Oh, you're double-crossing me.
258
00:12:18,530 --> 00:12:21,031
- I am not double-crossing you.
259
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,784
If anything,
I'm backstabbing you.
260
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,327
- You worm.
261
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,496
Well, this is worse
than my family telling my nephew
262
00:12:27,497 --> 00:12:29,915
he was going to Madrid
and then shipping him off
263
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,500
to a state institution.
264
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:34,044
Ugh.
SUNY Purchase.
265
00:12:34,045 --> 00:12:35,755
Disgusting.
266
00:12:35,756 --> 00:12:38,716
- Why should I settle
for a finder's fee from you
267
00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:41,510
when I can get Murray
to let me manage all the money,
268
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,679
granting me access
to the lifestyle
269
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,473
of a millionaire horse?
270
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:48,017
Now all I have to do
is sell Murray on my plans.
271
00:12:48,018 --> 00:12:49,603
- Mm.
- Giddyup.
272
00:12:52,022 --> 00:12:53,522
What the hell is this?
273
00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,691
- Have I got an investment
for you.
274
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:59,862
Picture this- a basketball
that always goes in.
275
00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:01,030
Slide!
276
00:13:01,031 --> 00:13:03,450
It's a game-changer.
277
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:07,244
- I guess you're not the only one
who wants that horse's money.
278
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,997
Good luck.
- Oh, j-
279
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:12,666
All right. Vultures, get lost.
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
280
00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,960
- But I didn't get to do
my big close!
281
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:18,255
It's a slam dunk!
282
00:13:18,256 --> 00:13:20,549
- Yeah. Fine. Save that pitch
for "Shark Tank."
283
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:21,759
Go.
284
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,512
- Oh.
Thank you, Dan.
285
00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:26,514
Everyone is hitting me up
for money,
286
00:13:26,515 --> 00:13:28,224
and I don't want this attention.
287
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:31,727
I just want to ride my horse
full speed down the sidewalk
288
00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:33,312
in peace.
289
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,855
- Of course you do.
290
00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,315
You should be riding free,
291
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,901
feeling that wind
through your... skin.
292
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:41,862
You don't want to be bogged down
with the drudgery
293
00:13:41,863 --> 00:13:43,280
of managing horse money.
294
00:13:43,281 --> 00:13:46,825
Leave that to me.
I am great with money.
295
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,620
It was my first love.
296
00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:52,248
- Well, Dan, that would
help me out big-time.
297
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:54,250
Unfortunately, it's-
it's not my call.
298
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,918
- It's not your-
Whose call is it?
299
00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:58,045
- Gloria's.
- Uh, the horse?
300
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:01,465
You can't leave complex
financial decisions to her!
301
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:05,386
She doesn't even know
what pants are!
302
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,596
- A day ago, I would have agreed.
303
00:14:07,597 --> 00:14:09,932
But I have seen
into that horse's soul.
304
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:13,143
And she understands more
than I could have ever imagined.
305
00:14:13,144 --> 00:14:15,563
If there is a chance
she can do this,
306
00:14:15,564 --> 00:14:18,525
I have to let her try.
307
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,739
- What does that mean?
308
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,741
[ Up-tempo music playing ]
309
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:30,786
- Wyatt, we got to go.
- Ohh, I'm not going anywhere.
310
00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:32,830
This party is great!
311
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:35,124
Yeah. These women
are a lot more my speed.
312
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:37,002
I've found the fountain
of no youth!
313
00:14:37,003 --> 00:14:39,920
- Susan didn't tell me
that Jake has a girlfriend.
314
00:14:39,921 --> 00:14:41,839
They're both here,
and they're touching,
315
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:43,966
and I'm watching
like a complete psycho.
316
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:45,634
- But I just met Helen.
317
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:48,971
She takes two naps a day,
and she buys full-fat milk.
318
00:14:48,972 --> 00:14:51,808
Mm?
How hot is that?
319
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,393
- Well, I'm leaving
before Jake sees me.
320
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:57,563
Enjoy watching "Yellowstone"
after sex.
321
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,814
- Abby!
322
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,149
- Jake.
323
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:02,776
I didn't expect to see you
at my mom's birthday.
324
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:04,236
- Small world.
325
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,280
I'm here.
Your mom's mailman is here.
326
00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:09,618
It's a real who's who
of "why them?"
327
00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:12,077
- I'm Lucy, Jake's girlfriend.
328
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:15,539
- And this is Abby. She's...
Why are you here?
329
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:19,335
- I am here at this party,
um, because-
330
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,712
- She's the entertainment.
331
00:15:21,713 --> 00:15:28,302
Your mom hired her to juggle...
all of her many impressions.
332
00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:30,054
- Oh, I didn't know
you did impressions.
333
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,597
- Oh, yeah.
I can do anyone.
334
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,349
You should hear
my Pee-wee Herman.
335
00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:35,517
- Ooh. Do Jack Nicholson.
- Ooh.
336
00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:39,688
- [ Nasal voice ]
You can't ha-a-a-ndle the truth.
337
00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,983
Ha ha!
[ Chuckles ]
338
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:44,568
- Wasn't that just Pee-wee?
339
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,404
- You were right.
We should have left.
340
00:15:47,489 --> 00:15:50,783
- Oh, look!
It's all my favorite people.
341
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,035
And Lucy.
342
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:55,871
Now, why don't you two catch up?
343
00:15:55,872 --> 00:15:58,874
I'm suddenly curious
about this one.
344
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:00,918
Tell me everything.
345
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:03,129
What's your last name?
346
00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,714
- So... that's your new lady.
347
00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:07,883
- Yeah.
- She seems nice.
348
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:10,803
- I don't think my mom's a fan.
- What makes you say that?
349
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:14,014
- She invited my ex-girlfriend
to her birthday party.
350
00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:16,767
- Yeah.
This is all weird, I guess.
351
00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:20,438
- No. It's...
It's really good to see you.
352
00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,606
- It's good to see you, too.
353
00:16:22,607 --> 00:16:24,818
- Do "Sling Blade."
- Kick rocks, Helen.
354
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,405
Jake, I was just gonna say,
um-
355
00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:32,199
- [ Gasps ]
What is wrong with you?!
356
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,034
[ Exhales deeply ]
357
00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:35,911
Your mom is a lunatic.
358
00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,663
She said,
"Let me call you a cab,"
359
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,790
and then threw a glass
of Cabernet at me.
360
00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:42,376
- I'm sure it was an accident.
361
00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:44,921
- Then why is she giving you
a thumbs-up?
362
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:50,342
- Maybe she loves my impressions.
363
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,261
Want to hear me do
"Sling Blade"?
364
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:55,389
[ High-pitched, nasal voice ]
French-fried potatahs! Ha ha!
365
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,016
{\an8}?
366
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,146
- Oh, Lucy's really
letting him have it.
367
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:05,108
Poor bartender's shaking
in his roller skates.
368
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,360
Why would you throw wine on her?
369
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,112
- I was just
trying to distract Lucy
370
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:13,365
to give you some alone time
with Jake.
371
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:16,828
So... did you do
the horizontal hustle?
372
00:17:16,829 --> 00:17:19,121
- Susan, you were gone
two minutes.
373
00:17:19,122 --> 00:17:20,456
- You millennials.
374
00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:23,417
It takes you forever
to do anything.
375
00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:25,544
- Mom, this is ridiculous.
376
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:27,296
You need to apologize to Lucy.
377
00:17:27,297 --> 00:17:28,839
- Good idea.
378
00:17:28,840 --> 00:17:31,133
Take him to the ladies' room.
379
00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:32,801
The wallpaper is very erotic.
380
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,303
- Okay. Stop.
Stop.
381
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:36,972
Jake, the truth is...
382
00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:38,807
I wasn't hired
to do impressions.
383
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:41,685
I came here thinking
I could get you back.
384
00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:44,480
But you're happy, and...
385
00:17:44,481 --> 00:17:46,482
I don't want to get in the way
of that.
386
00:17:46,483 --> 00:17:48,567
Susan, maybe instead
of pushing Lucy away,
387
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:50,402
you should give her
another chance.
388
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,737
- Hold on.
389
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:54,490
You do impressions?
390
00:17:54,491 --> 00:17:57,576
- That was your takeaway?
391
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,787
- Can you do "Varsity Blues"?
392
00:17:59,788 --> 00:18:02,247
- I love "Varsity Blues."
- [ Gasps ]
393
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:05,334
I almost wore
a whipped-cream bikini tonight.
394
00:18:05,335 --> 00:18:06,835
[ Laughs ]
395
00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:10,381
But my Uber rating is already
in the toilet.
396
00:18:10,382 --> 00:18:13,383
- Just so you know, I was the one
to talk her out of that.
397
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,636
But not before
she sent me pictures.
398
00:18:15,637 --> 00:18:18,263
- Who do you think took them?
399
00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,933
I'm sorry my mom brought you
here under false pretenses.
400
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,976
- I guess that's
kind of her thing.
401
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:26,606
Her mailman said
it's not even her birthday.
402
00:18:26,607 --> 00:18:28,440
- Look, Abby-
- Jake, I was w-
403
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:29,691
- You go.
- Oh. You go.
404
00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,235
No. You go first.
- No. You go.
405
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:34,696
- My mom's not the easiest person
to get along with.
406
00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:38,367
So if you can do that...
407
00:18:38,368 --> 00:18:40,828
maybe we could be friends.
408
00:18:40,829 --> 00:18:44,290
- I was gonna...
say the same thing.
409
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:46,835
- Guess I'll see you around.
410
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,628
Okay.
411
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,005
[ Music continues ]
412
00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:53,967
- Sorry it didn't work out
with Jake.
413
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,219
Ready to go?
- Yeah. Yeah.
414
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:59,096
I thought you were going home
with Helen.
415
00:18:59,097 --> 00:19:00,889
- Yeah. I thought so, too,
but she said if I slept over,
416
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:03,016
I'd have to be up by 6:00
for water aerobics.
417
00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:05,894
Yeah. Turns out
no one's lazy anymore.
418
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:18,866
{\an8}?
419
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:22,828
- Hm.
You don't smell rich yet.
420
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,746
- My plan had one flaw in it.
421
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,790
Murray thinks
that all financial decisions
422
00:19:26,791 --> 00:19:30,002
have to be okayed by the horse.
423
00:19:30,003 --> 00:19:31,879
He's gonna wind up buying
$100 million worth
424
00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,798
of artisanal carrots.
- It's ridiculous.
425
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:37,009
Especially when that horse
could own the patent
426
00:19:37,010 --> 00:19:39,386
to a self-dunking basketball.
427
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,096
- Oh.
There you are.
428
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:46,227
After much soul searching and
several hours posing for this...
429
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:48,688
Yeah?
430
00:19:49,564 --> 00:19:51,064
Thank you, Sandy.
431
00:19:51,065 --> 00:19:53,191
...I decided
to let the horse go.
432
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,485
- Oh. So you're giving her back
to Julianne.
433
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,738
- Well, I have news for you.
434
00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,239
I don't want the horse.
No.
435
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:02,117
I decided I don't even want
the inheritance.
436
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:03,952
If I learned anything
from my family,
437
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,413
it's that money
makes people crazy.
438
00:20:06,414 --> 00:20:10,209
Well, that and repeatedly
marrying your cousins.
439
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:14,129
So you know what?
I am just gonna walk away.
440
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,006
- W- Wow.
441
00:20:16,007 --> 00:20:18,508
How poignant.
How brave.
442
00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:20,886
I'll take the money
and the horse.
443
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,763
- No.
Dan, you don't understand.
444
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:27,100
When I said I let the horse go,
I literally let the horse go.
445
00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,518
- Why would you do something
like that?
446
00:20:28,519 --> 00:20:29,853
- Because of Dan.
447
00:20:29,854 --> 00:20:32,064
He said horses
couldn't make decisions.
448
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:36,652
That's why I let Gloria make
the biggest decision of all-
449
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,070
How do you want to live?
450
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:41,323
So I opened the door
of my brownstone,
451
00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:42,991
and she made her choice.
452
00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:46,495
She pointed that long face
toward New Jersey
453
00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:48,247
and ran like the wind!
454
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:49,998
{\an8}- Hold on.
455
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,541
{\an8}Are you telling me
that a horse
456
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,126
{\an8}worth hundreds
of millions of dollars
457
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:56,505
{\an8}is running free in new Jersey
right now?
458
00:20:56,506 --> 00:20:57,881
{\an8}[ Shouts indistinctly ]
459
00:20:57,882 --> 00:21:00,550
- Unh. Ha. Ooh.
Ah.
460
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,887
Unh!
461
00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:05,973
{\an8}- Huh.
462
00:21:05,974 --> 00:21:07,808
{\an8}You let the horse loose,
didn't you?
463
00:21:07,809 --> 00:21:10,185
{\an8}Well, I guess I'll go get
my lasso.
464
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:12,312
{\an8}- I thought you didn't care
about the money anymore.
465
00:21:12,313 --> 00:21:16,024
{\an8}- Yeah. But I don't want someone
in New Jersey to have it.
466
00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:18,403
{\an8}?
467
00:21:18,453 --> 00:21:23,003
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