Original subtitles

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Horrible Histories presents...

- Mums love their kids.

Well, except maybe when we forget to turn the taps off,

or we leave the guinea pig cage open,

or we fight with our brothers and sisters.

Three of Eleanor of Aquitaine's sons fought with each other,

but it didn't matter to her.

She still thought of them all as kings.

That's because they were!

King Henry the Young King, King Richard

the Lionheart, and King John.

Eleanor was Queen of England, and when her sons fought,

they really fought.

- Who left the guinea pig cage open?

- Oh, no.

# I'm Henry the Young King

- # King Richard

- # King John, yeah! - And this is our mum

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name is Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-no-no

# Oh-oh-oh-oh!

# First up, I was the Queen of France

# Wife of King Louis VII, was a bad romance

# Took a boat all the way across to England

# Gave the English king over there my hand

# Was my wish to be a really great mum

# Had boys, Henry, Richard and John

# But a happy family was an odd thing

# Henry started up a war with his dad, the King

# Had to choose between my husband and my son

# That's a no-brainer for a mum

# I chose to try and help my boy Henry to reign

# Saw my hubby throw me into jail, a shame

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name is Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Three sons, they all want to reign

# My name is Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-no-no

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# Young Henry died of dysentery

# My son Richard, now King, set me free

# He didn't care about finding a young wife

# Seems he had a better plan for his own life

# Soon he went across the seas on a crusade

# Help to rule in his place, what an accolade!

# He got captured far away in another land

# Then things at home got out of hand

# Cos my boy, Johnny, got greedy

# Soon invaded, took a castle or two or three

# Told everyone he's broke and Rich was dead

# And England was now his land instead

# Eleanor of Aquitaine

# My name's Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Three sons, they all want to reign

# My name is Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-no-no

# Oh-oh-oh-oh

# I guess John was lying, saying Richard had died

# Travelled to Austria to be by his side

# To set him free, I paid for his release

# Brought him all the way home, set this fight in my seas

# Made my boys promise to always be friends

# Gave Richard his crown back to his peaceful end

# Then I supported my youngest, King John

# Tell you ain't no job harder than being a mum

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-no-no. #

- Spartan soldiers are some of the toughest in the world.

The only thing tougher than them...

- Come on, you muppets.

- ..are their mums.

- Get up! Sit up!

- This is...

- Come on.

Tell me something,

do you want to be in the Spartan army?

- ALL: Yes, Mummy.

- What did you say? - ALL: Yes, Mummy!

- Drop down and give me 300.

- WHIMPERING

- They're good boys,

but they need to grow a spine.

I mean, they're Spartans.

They need to learn to be as tough as their mothers.

And believe me, we need to be tough to raise sons as tough as Spartans.

- Can I get up now?

- Did I say you could speak?

- Sorry, Mummy.

- I'm meant to send you pathetic babies out to fight for us.

Do you want to go to battle?

Or will you come running home to your mummy?

- No, Mummy.

- "No, mummy!" A coward!

I should have left you outside

on the hill, like your other brother.

- What other brother?

- Exactly.

- What Mummy wants, Mummy gets,

or you die.

- Attention!

Let me look at you.

- Oh, you don't want us to get naked again, do you?

- That is the best way to assess your physical fitness.

But no, not this time.

- Oh, that's a shame.

I've been working on my abs.

Ouch...really hurt.

- Shields!

- Ooh!

- These are your shields,

you carry them into battle.

You return with them or on them.

- Ooh! Like a sledge?

- No, like a stretcher.

Dead, dummy.

- Shame about the sledge.

That sounded fun.

- SHE SCREAMS

- Oh, I weed, I weed.

I'm sorry, Mummy.

I can't do this.

- You are a disgrace!

- The three gruelling weeks are over,

and this is the end...

..of the beginning of their training,

which will last for many years to come.

- I want my mummy!

- Archidamus!

- I know, drop and give you 300.

- One, two, two and a half.

- Oh, it hurts, Mummy!

- I'm not even counting that one.

- Thankfully, I'm not a Spartan.

My mum is much more chilled.

And here she is!

- Hello, love.

- Hello, Mumas.

I love it when she comes to visit.

- Oh, you've got a lovely place.

I tell all the other parents,

"My son lives in an actual sewer."

I'm so proud.

- Thanks, Mum.

Someone else who loved it when his mum came to visit

was notorious crime boss Al Capone.

And she used to visit him when he was in prison.

- Imagine living in a nasty place like a prison.

- THEY SHUDDER

- Prisoner 85,

Alphonse Al Capone, reporting to se his approved visitor.

Please be advised that Mr Capone is one of the most dangerous

criminal mafia bosses who ever lived.

- Now, you listen here and you listen good, see.

I got something to show.

I've written you a song, you hear?

It's called "Mother",

ain't that something, Ma?

# Oh, my dearest mama

# I think you're so distinguished

# I hope you like this song

# Even though you can't speaka da English. #

- SHE SPEAKS ITALIAN

- Hey, you know the rules, Mama Capone,

English only, no Italian.

- She only speaks Italian, you great palooka!

- Sorry, Al, you know, I'm just trying to do my job here.

- Now, where was I?

# When I was a crime boss

# I gave my mama some Cadillacs

# And a chauffeur, too

- # And then he was jailed for evading tax

- # As I sit in my cell, feeling awful lonely

# Waiting for your visit

# With your vat of macaroni

- # Macaroni! #

- Pasta!

- # Thought I'd rule Chicago

# Be the king of the city of jazz

# But I got caught

- # And now I'm stuck on Alcatraz! #

- Fantastico!

- Bravo! Bravo!

- Hey! No Italian.

- Hello, I'm Hannah Ayscough, and this is my son, Sir Isaac Newton.

Mathematician, astronomer, author, MP, Master of the Royal Mint,

discoverer of the laws of gravity, and failed farmer.

- You know, most people wouldn't have felt the need

to add that bit on the end.

- I just don't think you gave farming a good enough go, Isaac.

- I have one of the greatest minds in the history of science, and Mum

pulled me out of school at 17 so I could learn how to be a farmer.

- It's a good job! You get free milk,

loads of fresh air,

plus all the manure you can eat.

- You don't eat...

Do you even know what manure is?

I-I don't want to be a farmer!

- Oh, people will always want farmers, Isaac.

Plus, they'll give you something to fall back on if the whole gravity

thing doesn't work out.

- If my headmaster hadn't written and asked Mum to send me back

to school, I'd probably be a farmer.

- He'd have been a great farmer.

- To be fair, I would have smashed being a farmer.

- Give your mum a kiss. - No. - Come on.

He loves me.

- You've heard of the evil stepmothers in Cinderella and Snow White.

Well, now it's time for something new.

- Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Who's the loveliest of them all?

- An evil stepmother queen...

..isn't in this tale.

- Oh, it's my super stepchildren!

They are the loveliest of them all.

- Also starring Henry VIII's children...

The dramatic story of how a queen used her powers over a princess.

- Elizabeth!

- Yes, Stepmother?

- These curtains are dusty.

I'd better open them to keep the dust away

from this lovely picture.

- To help bring her back into favour with her father.

- May I keep it, Stepmother?

- No, you may not. It's ugly...

- Oh...

- ..how your father has treated you.

Beheading your mother, Anne Boleyn,

and saying you're not his proper daughter.

That's why I'm gifting this painting to the King

to remind him how lovely you are.

- SHE SQUEALS

- Lovely. You're lovely! Lovely.

- THEY CHEER

THEY LAUGH

- No, no.

- The tale of how Henry VIII's final wife put her children to work...

..on their education, which she actively encouraged.

- Congratulations on another A star, you absolute boffin.

- Oh, thanks, Stepmummy.

- You're just as clever as your sister.

God has given you great qualities.

Cultivate them always and labour

to improve them.

- But then there was Mary.

- Stepmother, what are you doing?

- Why, cutting a rose for your beautiful hair.

- Who she was also really lovely to.

- Oh!

- Coming soon...

SHE CACKLES

..to a theatre near you: Katherine Parr...

- Guys, soup's ready!

- Oh, yes.

If you have a loving mum or stepmum at home, then you're very lucky.

I learned everything I know from my mum.

FARTING

Yep, that's where I get it from.

Mums will always see their kids as their babies,

even when we're grown up.

When legendary lawyer and political figure

Mahatma Gandhi first left his home in India to study in London,

his mum Putlibai found it hard to let him go.

- Well, it's hard when your kids leave home.

Ooh! You've got a little bit of fur out of place.

Let me stick it down.

- Mum...stop!

No, no. Put it...

SHE BABBLES

PUTLIBAI: - Aw, I can't quite believe it.

My little Mohandas, all grown up and heading to London!

We are so proud of you.

Try not to change too much.

- I won't, Mama.

But just imagine - I'll be at the centre of it all,

meeting brilliant men and women...

Ow!

- These English women can't be trusted, Monia.

You're staying put with a nice Indian woman -

just like your mama.

- I'm going to study law, Mother, not women!

OK. If I promise to stay away from women, please, can I go?

I promise, I'll study the whole time -

in my rooms, in the libraries,

and in the local pubs, where I'll discuss important...

CLANG! Ow! Can you stop doing that?!

- No pubs, no women, no wine, no England!

It's just like your uncle says.

You'll become too European.

You're staying put!

- No! No, Mama!

Oh, Mummy, you're strong!

OK! OK!

No women, no wine, no pubs.

BREATHLESSLY: Just studying.

And of course, eating. - Right!

- Mama... Mama! Mama?!

SHE GRUNTS

MAN: - Ahh! - Oh!

- Where did that come from?

- Oh, sorry!

What are you doing?

- English food is full of heavy meat.

You're vegetarian.

My little Mohandas is staying put.

- OK!

If I promise to stay away from women and wine... - And meat.

- Fine. And meat, fine.

..can I please go to England?

- But of course you can, silly.

- Thank you.

I'd better go get my suitcase.

MAN: - Ow!

- And possibly fetch a doctor for the man that it landed on.

- You're a good boy.

Oh, and, Mohandas!

- Yes, Mama?

- Don't forget to have fun, beta.

- OK, Mummy!

- Hiya. It's me.

Cleopatra, Pharaoh of Egypt.

And this is my son by Julius Caesar,

Caesarion. - Hi, guys.

- Shall I tell them what I call you?

- Please, don't. - Why not?

- It's embarrassing. - It's not.

- No. Please, don't do this to me again. Come on.

- But it's so cute!

- All right, fine. Go on, then.

- I call him Ptolemy Caesar Pilopator

Philometor, the Pharaoh,

a god, a son of gods, a king of kings,

the living image of the god Amun.

- I mean, I bet all mums have pet names for their kids, right?

- Boop! - Mm.

- Oh, who's my Caesie-weasie!

- FRENCH ACCENT: Most children would do anything for their mothers,

wouldn't they?

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Ha! Well, not my son!

When my cousin Queen Elizabeth locked me up for 19 years,

I wrote to my wee boy, King James VI of Scotland

to ask him to help me get out!

FRENCH ACCENT: And I must say, I was rather disappointed.

FRENCH ACCENT: Bonjour, James. Maman here.

I do hope that you are enjoying looking after...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: ..my Scottish throne for me!

FRENCH ACCENT: This is just another message asking

if I can perhaps come and visit.

Maman does so miss her darling boy.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: And also the crown that your friend stole from me

and gave to you!

FRENCH ACCENT: I'm not going anywhere.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Because I'm locked up in this castle!

- Hey, Mum!

Got your messages. All of them.

I miss you, too. Sort of.

I mean, I've not actually seen you since I was, like, 13 months old.

I would absolutely love you to visit.

It's just, well, you know Cousin Elizabeth, Queen of England?

She might be a little bit upset

if you don't stay away from Scotland.

And we wouldn't want to annoy her, now, would we?

So... - A big bag of money to side

with Queen Elizabeth, Your Majesty. - BAG THUDS

- That money has absolutely nothing to do with me siding with Elizabeth.

Got to go now, Mum. Bye!

- FRENCH ACCENT: Sweetie pie!

I am so happy that you are getting on so well with Cousin Elizabeth.

If you could perhaps ask her to not accidentally

execute me or something?

SCOTTISH ACCENT: If she can do it to me, she can do it to you!

You ken, pal?!

- Mummy. Chill!

Cousin Lizzie is an honourable queen.

She would never allow harm to come to another monarch.

Trust me.

- More money from England, Sire. - Seriously?

Not the time! We talked about this.

Oh!

- Oh, James.

Jimmy! Jim.

How is one?

Look, this is just a quick note to tell you

that I accidentally executed your mother.

I mean, it wasn't a total accident.

I did sign her death warrant, obviously,

but I had second thoughts.

So, erm...

Sad face?

- Hmm!

- Sad face.

- Elizabeth! Hey!

No worries at all about the whole killing my mum thing.

We're cool. Ha-ha, ha!

We are still cool, right?

Cos I really would love to...

To be King of England after you.

Anyway, it was good to hang - not hang.

Losing my head here. Not losing my head!

OK. Got to go. OK. Bye-bye, bye-bye!

That was close. She's terrifying.

- Aye.

I think that's still on, Sire.

- Ah!

- Hello, loyal subjects.

Queen Victoria here.

Queen of the United Kingdom,

Empress of India and grandmother of Europe.

But despite having nine children,

I wasn't actually a huge fan of them.

So which of these did I actually say about babies?

Was it...

FARTING BABY CRYING

FROG CROAKS

DOG WHIMPERS

The answer is B.

They have a terrible frog-like action!

- I took the liberty of organising a demonstration, Ma'am.

- Oh, is this really necessary?

Yes. - I feel it helps clarify what you mean

by baby froggy action, Ma'am.

- Oh, no, no, no. No, no! Stop that at once!

It's reminding me of an actual ugly baby.

And an ugly baby is a very nasty object.

- Oh, please, let him do it.

- No! - Ugh!

- HE HUFFS

You're just as much of a big baby as him.

- Oh...

- Only nine children?

There were 18 in your litter, Rattus,

and I'd already had 40 babies that year.

- Imagine dealing with that many nappies!

- Yeah, particularly with what you did in them.

SHE SCOFFS

- At least Queen Victoria will have had staff to help her.

- You're right.

But being a mother was a lot tougher for other women in Victorian times,

especially if they were working mums.

- Oh, yeah.

- Welcome to the mill.

It's the perfect place for a working mum.

Try not to get your fingers trapped in the loom

because it's a pain getting the blood off the fabric.

- Oh. - Daisy, you better not be playing hide and seek in the machines!

- CLATTERING, GASPING

BOY: - Found you.

- Er, I heard there are good childcare facilities here.

- Oh, aye, there certainly are.

We stick them in a bucket of sawdust.

Harry!

- Yes, Mum?

- You're going to be keeping an eye on Betty's baby.

Where did you get that metal bolt?

- CREAKING

Incoming!

- Oi!

- Right. Well, go and have five minutes' play.

This is grown-up talk. - Woohoo!

- And no gymnastics in the revolving shaft!

You're not made of legs!

- Woohoo! Yeah!

- Have all your children grown up here, then?

- Oh, aye.

Harry were born halfway through a 12-hour shift.

He just came out while I were at the loom.

- Whee!

- William, stop using that machine as a catapult!

You'll knock the pie off the engine.

- Yes, Mum.

- Pie. Is that a technical mill term?

- No, it's chicken and leek.

We heat up the children's lunches on the steam engine

that powers the looms.

Harry, watch your fingers in the loom.

How many times?

- Ah!

- Somebody get Harry a bandage.

- Ooh! - Don't stick your tongue in the spinning jenny, Jenny.

Don't worry. It's not always as quiet as this.

- Whee!

- Woohoo!

- Oh, it's great being a working mum, ain't it?

- Hmm.

- FARTING SPLAT!

- Ugh.

- Isn't this exciting?

No-one in the family has ever had a proper photograph before.

- Well, photographing children is my speciality, ma'am.

And may I say how truly lovely you look today.

- It's a shame, really.

- What?

- Now, everybody stay there.

Say cheese.

- I'm sorry. What is going on?

- Oh. Did you not want a rug over your head?

- No, of course not.

- OK. Erm...

Well, we do also offer this option.

If you just come forward, Miss and Ma'am.

Stand there.

Perfect.

Now, daguerreotype photographs take a long time to...

- What are you doing?

And why am I behind a curtain?

HUFFS: - Well, did you want me to disguise you as an armchair?

Because it'll cost more!

- I - don't want to be photographed at all.

HE SIGHS

- Well, how do you expect me to manage that, then?

It takes the camera several minutes to take a picture.

And if they move around at all, it'll come out blurry.

Do you think your kids are going to stay still for that long?

- What do you think?

- You're going to have to hold them. Now.

You can either be under a rug...

..behind a curtain,

or disguised as an armchair.

- Erm... - Hang on a minute. I got an idea.

Why don't you sit here in the middle with the little one on your lap?

- BABY FUSSES

I really don't want to.

- Don't you worry.

No-one will know you're there.

- Oh!

Thank you.

I just didn't want to do anything to make the photo look silly.

- Now, remember, it takes a few minutes to take a picture.

So everyone say cheese - for ages.

- ALL: - Cheese.

- Oof! Imagine not being able to take a picture together.

Smile, Mum.

- Oh, yeah. OK.

Cheese!

Oh, send me that.

I'll put it on my socials.

Hashtag mamas and son.

Hashtag special little boy.

Hashtag Rattu-son. Love you so much!

- Mum, I don't think you understand hashtags.

- Hashtag, yes, I do.

- Ugh! But I do love you, too.

Of course, lots of people throughout history also love their mums.

In some cases, maybe a bit too much.

- Attention, people of the Zulu nation.

Our warrior king Shaka Zulu

has some extremely sad news.

- My mother, Nandi is dead.

ALL GASP

Not only was she an excellent protector,

but she was the best chief adviser a marauding Zulu warrior king

CHEERING

As such, I am commanding that everyone in the Zulu Kingdom

will enter a period of mourning.

- And that is the end of the announcement.

- And in honour of my mother...

- OK, there's a little bit more.

- ..I decree that during this period of mourning,

all 20,000 of you gathered here

GROANING

And I want proper tears.

None of these fake tears like, "Oh, no, I am sad."

I want everyone to cry hard

until they are dehydrated.

MURMURING

- And how long would you like them to mourn for, Shaka?

A day? Or two days?

- One year!

- What? - One year?!

- Anything less would be a disgrace to my poor mother.

- And that is the end of the announceme...

- And also... - Really? More?

- ..no-one is to plant any crops during this year of mourning.

MUFFLED OUTRAGE

- Shaka, that seems a little extreme.

What will the people eat?

- Excuse me.

Did you not hear that my mother has died?

And all you can think about is food.

Show some respect.

- Well, you are the King.

And thus this ends the...

- And also... - No, he's still going.

- ..I want all the milk cows across the nation slaughtered!

So all the cows can feel the pain that I am feeling right now.

- OK...

Maybe let's just, you know, dial this back a little bit.

- Don't worry about where you will get your milk,

as everyone is banned from drinking it

in honour of my mother.

Why is no-one wailing?

The year-long period of mourning started five minutes ago.

- Ahh...

- Ah! You call that wailing?

BOTH: - Ahh!

Yes!

Cry me a river!

Yes, yes!

That is top-notch wailing.

SOFTLY: - You are going to kill him for this and take over, right?

- Yeah, like, almost immediately.

- What did you say?

- Oh, n... Nothing. Ahh!

- Yes, that's it. From the diaphragm!

- Hello. Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus here.

Or Emperor Nero for short.

I was Roman Emperor number five,

but I was number one when it came to playing the bagpipes!

I loved playing the bagpipes.

Didn't love my mum quite as much.

In fact, I actually tried to have her killed.

Naughty.

But tell me, how did I do that?

Did I...

The answer is A, and also B...and also C.

Some people send their mum lovely flowers.

Some send her chocolates.

I sent her assassins.

I wasn't a great son.

But I'll tell you what I was great at

playing the bagpipes.

And so, to lighten the mood,

I'll play you out with this little number I prepared.

A one, a two, a one, two, three.

- BAGPIPES PLAY

That's it for our look at some of history's monstrous mums.

And some magnificent mums, too.

Just like my mum.

Thanks for helping out.

- Oh, you're welcome, darling.

- Ooh! - And I put that video of you as a baby dancing in your nappy online.

It's got a million hits.

You're going to be famous.

- Thanks, Mum.

Fame at last.

But a real big thank you to all the mums and stepmums everywhere.

MUSIC: TO THE TUNE OF HEY YA!

- One, two, three. # My Alex is so great

# And it was his fate to conquer the whole world

# Without me by his side

# Well, that isn't quite how it would have unfurled

# His father was a threat

# And so to protect

# I kept him by my side

# So what a shock we had

# When we found out Al's dad and his new wife had died... #

Coincidence?

- # Hey, Mum

# Thank you, Mum... #

- I fought for my grandson, too.

- # Hey, Mum

# Thank you, Mum

- # I had a load of kids

# And then the thing I did was marry them all off

# It takes a real skill and an iron will

# To find a suitable toff

# Got the best I could get for Marie Antoinette

# Bagged her the King of France

# Matchmaking was my thing

# Well, you don't think you get a throne by chance?

- # Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma... #

- Admittedly, it didn't play out perfectly.

- # Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma

- # Hey, what a Hey, what a

# Hey, what a

# Hey, what a Hey, what a

# Hey, what a Hey, what about you... #

- This story goes out to all the mothers out there.

If you escaped slavery,

you fight to get your children back from those devils!

Take them to court like I did.

Do whatever you can and dedicate your life

to making sure it never happens to anyone else's kids.

- Wow.

My attempts at matchmaking feel kind of weak right now.

- # Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma... #

- We're all mothers. We do what we can.

- # Hey, Ma

# Thank you, Ma. #

- Whoo!

- LAUGHTER

BEEP!

SQUEALING

LAUGHTER

- Nothing up here, mate.

Nothing. Ugh!

- HE LAUGHS

# The past is no longer a mystery

# Hope you enjoyed

# Horrible Histories. #

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