Original subtitles

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

- OK, I think I'm ready.

- Right. Hold hands,

please, Nicky. - Mm-hm.

- Why? - Because we're submitting the most important application of my life,

and I need to commune with a higher power.

- Didn't realise you guys were religious.

- Our father, who art is heaven. Sondheim be thy name.

Thy Broadway runs, thy Tonys won,

in New York as it is on the West End.

- WHISPERS: There it is.

- Give me this day my US visa. - Oh, it'll take more than a day, dimples.

- Give me, max, one more week in Tauranga�

- Well, it'll be two weeks at least until they even process your application.

- You know, I'm starting to think you guys really aren't on my side here. - No, we are.

We are. But I will be sad to lose you, pickle.

I mean, everyone loves having you at Pizzazz.

- All right, let's submit. - I submitted 20 minutes ago.

- Huh! - Seriously? - She's so good.

- Um, Charlie, should we start now,

or would you like to make a blood sacrifice

to Rodgers and Hammerstein first?

- Uh... - I'm working on my comedy.

- Oh.

- That's terrific, Gloria.

(THUD!) - Oh! What was that?!

- That is the sound of powerful female authorship.

It's your script � the real OG version.

- Where are so many copies?

- Oh, no, no, I mixed those in with a bunch of other scripts, for dramatic effect.

Because I am here to champion your voice.

And also, I need something to channel my energy into,

to avoid spiralling out about my visa.

- Yes. Gotcha. - Oh.

I've made a few notes. - Thank you. Very helpful.

- Mm. - READS: This part's not good.

What? - Yeah, well, I'll run you through it. (CLEARS THROAT)

You ready to get stuck in?

Captions by Faith Hamblyn.

Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air.

www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2025.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

We need to pinpoint the erogenous zones of the show

and bring those forward.

You know what I mean?

- No.

- OK. Whose story is it?

- Well, I think it's about Cassandra,

but Adrian says nobody wants to hear from her.

- Well, do you want to hear from Cassandra?

So then he is wrong.

(HOPEFUL MUSIC)

- Do you think Charlie would introduce me to Sally Field?

I broke my wrist once, and...

she might need someone to talk to.

- (PHONE LINE RINGS) - Guy with goat.

- (PHONE LINE RINGS) - Guy with goat.

Guy with goat.

And there's Adrian.

- (CELL PHONE BUZZES) - Ooh. That's me.

Oh, it's Gloria.

Hello. - Mia. Hi.

Are you up to anything?

- I've never been freer. How come?

- How would you like to come round and play on a song with me and Charlie?

- It's happening! - What?

- Shh! - (GASPS) - Um, sorry.

Uh,... yeah.

That would be fun. That'd be chill, sick and...

fancy-free.

(GROANS) - OK, great. I'll text you the address.

We'll see you soon.

- He says he's a top. - Hmm.

- I just received the biggest call of my life.

- That call is the moment every ingenue waits her entire life for.

- What do I do? - The only thing you can �

dress for success.

- (KNOCKS AT DOOR)

- Oh, hello. Um, not today, thanks.

- Oh, what's happening today?

- Oh! I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I thought you were selling Bibles.

Come in.

- Ooh. - Uh,...

everyone here's just so nice, you know? I live in New York �

I need my men filled with bitterness and shame.

Mmm. - (KNOCKS AT DOOR)

- Mia. - You look...

- ...so nice.

- # So I scream into the void. #

(HUMS)

Yeah, I think I got it.

# So I scream into the void.

# Even though they cannot hear me,

# I scream into the void.

# ...that they feel me.

# I just pray, one day...

# that somebody might

# listen to what I

# say. #

(TINKLY MUSIC PLAYS)

Something like that?

I can also tap dance.

- Great. - It's glorious.

It shifts the focus back to where it always belonged �

with the woman.

- With the who?

- The, um... the... the, um... the woman.

- Doesn't that sound fantastic? - It's a no. - And that's fine.

- If you just listen to the song, I think it could change your mind.

- I said no, Gloria.

- OK. Back to work.

- Wait. Why not?

- Actually, yeah, why not?

- I don't have to explain myself. - Oh. Absolutely not.

- OK, look, the changes are not that dramatic.

It's a few punch-ups, some trims, a couple of new numbers.

- Does make an excellent point.

- This isn't Win a Wish, Charlie.

It's a no!

- What do you mean, no? - To quote Hamlet �

Act three, Scene three, line 92.

Nuh. - Hang on.

This is Gloria's show. Surely we should just present that.

- Gloria is a high-school music teacher,

who should be thanking me for the opportunity,

not plotting a bloody coup d'etat.

This is Tauranga, not Rhodesia.

- At least listen to Mia. We heard her singing this morning,

and she has a knockout voice. - Secret rehearsals,

with my cast, behind my back, a secret website.

Oh, why don't you just strike me down with a staff and get it over with?

- What are you talking about? - This is Oedipal, Charlie.

You've always been obsessed with me, right since you were a little boy.

Well, however much you might want it,

I am not your daddy.

So keep your filthy paws off my silky drawers.

- I'm not coming for your job, Adrian.

Running this theatre is quite literally my idea of a nightmare.

- I know, but you want the power.

You see me � an intelligent, creative, gifted man, and you feel threatened.

Well, who wouldn't?

I have 32 TATAs.

- What's a TATA? - Ha! He directs one show,

about cats, and now he doesn't remember

the Tauranga Amateur Theatre Awards.

That snivelling Judas is not welcome in my rehearsal room!

Saints preserve us.

- Ugh! - Ah, my little mischief-maker.

(GIGGLES) - (GROANS)

- I heard Adrian stomping the halls, grumbling about revolt.

- Yeah, well, I tried a bit of civil disobedience, but it's already been trampled out.

- Well, I could get down with the cause. - Hmm.

Remember the other day, you were talking about the women in this show having so little to do?

Like Cassandra. - Which one's, uh, Cassandra?

- Exactly.

I mean, it's Mia, obviously, but, you know,

she's got very little to do, and she's gotten completely lost.

So we have this incredible new song for her.

- A new song for...

Cassandra?

Oh yeah. Yeah, that could be good. Or...

Helen could do with a new song.

Everyone's been saying Helen needs more numbers.

- The song is specific to Cassandra,...

but, you know, obviously, Helen would have more to do �

we're wanting to shine a spotlight on all the female characters.

- Well,... obviously, I'd love to help �

that al just sounds wow,...

but, uh, you'll have a hard time convincing the others at this stage.

- The show will be better. - There's a way things are done here.

OK? Everybody's so stuck in their ways.

Not me, but others.

- Mm. - I truly do wish I could help,

but I'm just a humble actor.

- Mm.

- Is this, um... Is this milk of the cow?

- You said milk, no? - I meant soy.

(SCOFFS) As I'm a singer, and for me, this would be poison.

- I'm so sorry. I will sort that out.

- (SCOFFS) Really puts the amateur in amateur theatre,

doesn't it?

- Hello?

- (DRILL WHIRRS) - Connor?

- (DRILL WHIRRS) - Stop! - (GASPS)

- (DRILL WHIRRS) - (GASPS) - This is a multiple-hazard area.

You could have tripped. - Sorry. Um,...

my nerves are...

And the boys at school, and then there's so many pranks.

(PANTS)

(GASPS) Oh, um,...

how's all... this... going?

- Horrible. I mean,...

he bought a horse, but if Adrian is expecting to...

'Glide across the stage like a majestic swan over a glassy lake,'

then I'm in big trouble.

- How would you approach a horse?

- Well, you never really sneak up on them from behind,

cos they'll kick you.

- Designing it, I mean, if it were up to you.

- Oh, well, I'm an electrician, not a builder.

And one idea I had...

- Adrian won't let you do it.

- Mm.

Don't worry.

I'll make it work. I have to � It's your show.

- Yeah, um,...

you're doing a lovely job.

- Yeah, I think you're lovely too. Uh...

as you are too.

(FOOTSTEPS RETREAT)

(DRILL WHIRRS)

- (GLASS DINGS) - Break ended one minute ago.

Why are my soldiers not on the beaches of Troy?!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

- You don't have to go in?

- Achilles is not required in the next scene, unfortunately.

- Oh. Well, Adrian banned me.

- Hate crime. - Blessing, really?

- Would you judge me if I had a biscuit off someone else's plate?

- Um, I would never yuck your yum like that.

- The long ones are a rare commodity.

- (LAUGHS) - You wanna try it?

- Um... - Top or bottom?

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

- Either's fine. (CLEARS THROAT)

- (GASPS) - Fair Helen,...

this ring, a symbol of my devotion.

- Shocking! But keep going!

- (CRASHING) - What...?

- Mmm.

Mmm. Um, sorry. Sorry. Just, uh, to confirm,

you are a gay? Yes?

- Well, I don't do squats every day for my health.

- (CHUCKLES) I just didn't wanna assume, you know, because you can...

Ooh, power dynamic.

- Focus! Mikaere,

show them. - (CLEARS THROAT)

Lady Helen, jewels from my homeland.

- A toast to your kindness,

dear suitor.

(SIGHS) Um, question from the actor.

I feel Helen lacks a certain agency here.

- Don't worry your sweet little head about that, Jacqui.

Leave it to your director. (CHUCKLES)

Where were we? - But,...

as a protagonist, I feel Helen must have some...

objective. - Her objective...

is to be desired.

- (PLAYS DRAMATIC CHORD)

That is not...

an objective. - Excuse me?

- Helen has been kidnapped and,

um, assaulted.

And in...

this scene, she,... once again,

has no say in who she's going to marry.

- The audience doesn't care about that,

Gloria! More to the point, I don't care.

This show is about love and lust and betrayal.

Not about women! - (BOTH GASP)

- Nobody � nobody cares...

about the women of Troy!

- Right.

- Now, where were we?

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

- Your revolution?

- Yes? - Tell the co-conspirators I want in.

- Before we launch into my extensive notes,

I'd like to address some tension

that I perceived today.

(CHUCKLES) Of course,

I care about women �

my mother was a woman,

I have played a woman on stage,

for those of you who remember my star turn as Mrs Doubtfire.

Technically, I was a man playing a man playing a woman,

but there are layers of femininity woven into the role.

The point is, now is not the time to

get riled up over inane woke causes �

now is a time for unity and

cohesion and for doing what I say.

- Thank you, Adrian.

I agree. What could bring us together better than song?

- I thought you were banned.

- Gloria.

Helen and Cassandra sing about the toppling

of an out-of-touch ancient empire,...

in the key of G minor.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)

- # Waking up to a city ablaze.

# See our home and our kingdom alight.

- Whoo! (GIGGLES) - # While we slept,

# we were done and see we've been had

# in the quiet of night.

- # See it burn, now. - Whoo!

- # Can't return now.

- BOTH: # Time for a new town.

- Yeah! - Whoo!

- # Burn it down.

- # Burn it down.

- # Burn it down.

BOTH: # Burn it, burn it

# down.

# You can see here the folly of war.

# This is what a man's hubris can do. - Whoo!

# This is how a whole empire ends,

# like a phoenix will rise and renew.

# Will they

# learn now?

# It's our turn now.

# We will claim

# the crown. - Whoo!

- # Burn it down!

- # Burn it down.

# Burn it down.

- BOTH: # Burn it, burn it down.

# Burn it, burn it down.

# Burn it, burn it down. #

- Whoo!

(CHEERING)

- BOTH: Yeah!

- But that's not in the show. - No.

Gloria put a bunch of numbers into her version,

that were cut. - Yeah, but it was brilliant, wasn't it, Adrian?

- Oh, can we hear it again, please? - Of course. There's lots of gospel and disco �

Much more dancing for you, Adam. - Screaming.

- This version is...

about fate and having the courage to

fight for what you believe in. - Oh. - It could be huge.

It could be on Broadway. - Well, maybe not Broadway,

but Auckland.

- Thank you, Thomas Cromwell (!)

And look how they all lap it up,...

flies in your little trap.

- We were just trying to show them what the musical could be.

- Don't you play the fool with me, you little Jezebel.

- OK. How about a vote?

- This is not a democracy � this is musical theatre!

- Raise your hand, everyone who'd like to learn a little bit more

about Gloria's version of the show.

And if you'd like to carry on with the show unchanged,

raise your hand.

- Jac, see you're in on it.

On side with your old buddy.

No surprises there.

But Gaye,...

30 years,...

a friendship...

down the drain?

Good luck with the show, Charlie.

I hope it's everything you dreamed of.

- Don't quit. Nobody wants that.

- I could never work with a bunch of...

lying, scheming snakes such as yourselves.

- Who's gonna direct?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (CHUCKLES)

That was a vote for Gloria's version of the show, not me.

No, I will not be taking over as director.

You already have one. It's Adrian, not me.

Sorry, I won't be doing that.

It'll be fine, cos...

God, don't look so depressed.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Thanks for the biscuit.

- It was yummy. - You're good at that.

- Don't be weird.

- Should I have said I'd direct, you reckon?

I don't know � I feel weirdly responsible. - Why?

Cos you made the director quit? - Well, I mean, oversimplification.

- Your lights are on full steam!

You wanna blind Mrs Whedon?

Husbands.

- Cool.

You're open.

- One and dones, I'm afraid. - Ah, so no reprise.

- Oh, you'll be too busy anyway,

directing the show.

- Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)

- No. No.

Mum, you know I can't step up as director �

my visa's coming through any minute now.

And Adrian'll be back � I give him a day.

- And until then, you need to step up.

- No, that would be a guaranteed menty B.

- Hmm? - Mental breakdown. - Oh.

You were born for this, peaches.

- You spent all day empowering women. - Mm-hm. And now we're in power.

- (SIGHS) Fine.

- Mm. - BOTH: Yay!

(ALL GIGGLE)

- (DISCO MUSIC) - # Burn it down.

- # Burn it down.

- # Burn it down.

- BOTH: # Burn it, burn it down.

- # Down. - # Burn it, burn it down.

# Burn it, burn it down.

# Burn it, burn it down. #

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