Original subtitles

Watch out, I don't want to get a splinter.

Yeah, yeah.

-Here we go. -Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

So strong, so strong.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

OK, try it.

This way?

-That's it. -Yeah, yeah. -OK.

Cool.

You're actually going to eat in here.

Well, I'm not just going to eat in the sukkah, I'm going to sleep in it, too.

We Jews is crazy.

Oba crazy.

You know, I can imagine, you're in Israel, it's October, it's hot.

I mean, you know, stars, sleeping out,

in London, you're going to get pissed off.

Yeah, I get pissed off and the paper gets

a great story about me catching pneumonia.

There we go.

-Job well done. -Thank you very much.

Right, I'm going to go and get changed.

-Why? -I've got a date.

-Who? -A blind date.

Naomi set us up.

-Naomi? -That's brave.

Or brave Naomi or brave me?

Uh, both.

Who is she?

Let's have a counter called Philippa.

That's all you've got?

That's all I've got.

OK.

What are you doing?

It just might be one of my Philippas.

What, you went out with her?

No, I just... Philippa R, graphic designer,

Philippa W, professor of languages, no accountants, nada.

-Yes! -Back in the game.

Excuse me.

Yeah, I'm already back.

Um, how much?

48 pounds for the basic set.

If you want a higher quality atrog, I have this Italian one.

How much is it?

75 pounds.

Wow.

Wow. That's a lot for what basically is a branch and a massive lemon.

The Festival of Sukkot is a celebration of the God-given harvest.

What if you've had a shit harvest?

It's like Thanksgiving in America.

Well, maybe the Americans got more to be thankful for.

Unless you're black, of course.

Always something.

Yeah, a few measly articles in the Jewish Enquirer.

Got any twigs?

Smell.

Smell this one.

That's amazing.

Italian?

-No. -Smell this.

I mean, less amazing, still pleasant.

You know what they say.

If something is worth doing, it's worth doing well.

I don't know.

I think some things are worth doing even if you do do them badly.

Like?

Hoovering.

I mean, any hoovering picks up dirt and cleans the carpet.

It doesn't have to be perfect to be effective.

Yes, I see.

Learning a language?

You know, going to Spain, know a little Spanish.

It's very helpful.

It doesn't have to be fluent.

Lawn mowing?

Bad mowing is better than none.

So have you made a decision?

Flossing.

Any flossing is good.

Cardiovascular exercise.

The cheap one, then.

Yes, absolutely.

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Pippa.

That's me.

The blind date.

Hi, hi, I'm Paul.

Yeah, the blind date, of course.

So I'm sat here.

Oh, I know.

So, no dog?

White stick.

Oh, good.

Good, because I am horribly allergic.

So, Naomi failed to mention you're actually blind.

Oh, no, I like to surprise people.

Weird?

Okay.

Just see if they've got an-O-H.

Oh, well, I've got a-O-H.

I mean, some have even said a-O-H.

Oh, okay, we'll see.

So, first impressions?

Wow, I mean, you're really, really rather alluring.

Alluring?

I like that.

Yeah, I mean, you've got a lot of allure.

Surprisingly.

Surprisingly?

Why, because I'm blind?

No, no, no, no, surprisingly because Naomi set us up.

Oh, okay.

Well, my first impression is you have a nice voice.

I'll take it.

But Anthony Hopkins has a lovely voice, and I would not want to date him.

-No. -No, no, no, absolutely not.

Come closer.

-Come on. -Oh, um...

I mean, not yet.

Um, okay.

Oh, stop it.

Nice

Two ears?

Two?

Oh, wow.

Nah

-Eyes. -Oh yeah, you'll do.

-What? -I'm joking, I'm joking.

So you can just picture me by touch?

Yeah, some people just feel ugly.

Ah, a lot of oddballs think I'll sleep with them just because I can't see.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been set up on dates with con artists

and they're fucking 70s who thought I wouldn't notice.

But believe me, you, when you take a-year-old penis in your hand...

Wow.

-You know it. -Wow. -You know it.

I can easily say this is the first date I've been on where

we've got to the penis chat before I've even had a coffee.

So what can I get you?

I'll get them. No, no, no, I'll get them.

I'll get them even if you were 20-20.

Ooh, a gentleman as well as handsome.

Um, I'll have an Americana with hot milk.

Yes.

Hey, um, can I get two medium Americanos, hot milk?

-Sure. -Thank you.

-Well? -You could have told me.

-Why? -Why?

Because it's not funny, that's why.

It's not?

No.

What, do you think she's cute?

Yes.

Funny?

-Warm? -Intelligent?

Yes.

Right, so what's the fucking problem?

I can't have a serious relationship with someone who's blind.

Well then don't have a serious relationship with her.

What, you just expect me to have a quickie then scarper?

Yeah, if that's what she wants.

She's an adult and you're getting there.

I mean, if this all goes wrong, I'm going to have RBS all over me.

What, the bank?

No, not the bank.

The Royal Blind Society.

Actually, it's RNIB.

Hi.

The Royal National Institute of Blind People.

Yeah.

They do have a special hotline for blind

women, you know, who've been dumped post-coitus.

I have it favorited in my contacts.

There's no hotline, is there?

Oh!

It's quite aggressive.

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Ah!

-Ah! -Ah!

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Oh

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Yes!

So, that would be 27 pounds 75.

27.75.

Impressive.

It's my job.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

-Shall we? -Let's.

Stinky.

I wish.

No, this is, um, this is a lulab.

And this...

Give me your hand.

That's an etrog.

What's it for?

Oh, they're harvest festival symbols for Jewish people.

Oh, wow, that smells amazing.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

So, home?

Your home.

What are the rules this week?

No idea.

Fucking Covid.

Fucking bastard Covid.

Do you have a garden?

We could, you know, sit in there.

Is that allowed?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I can go one better.

I've got a sucker!

Sorry if this all seems a bit forward.

No, not at all.

So, you're going to sleep in here all week and then write it up?

Yeah, that's the idea.

And all Jews do this?

No, just the really enthusiastic ones.

OK, just move a bit more to your left.

-Ow! -What the fuck was that?

-Sorry. -Sorry, that was a pineapple.

It's traditional to hang fruit from the ceiling.

Well, what happened to strawberries, huh?

More blind date friendly, less likely to get a concussion.

Just move a bit forward past the grapes.

Oh, it's a bloody minefield in here.

-That's it. -Just a bit more.

A bit more.

OK, so, theoretically, we're still outside, so not breaking any rules.

Oh.

Oh, fuck me.

What?

Oh, no, no, it's more the exhalation, fuck me.

Like, fuck me, not fuck me as in fuck me.

You know, it's not the request, it's still the order.

OK.

Can I get you a glass of something?

I'd love a hot drink.

Er, tea?

-Perfect. -Lemon tea?

Er...

I've got milk, no lemon.

Um, you kind of do.

Oh, this feels very bad.

It's just a citrus fruit, babe.

It's just like you sitting down to eat communion

wafer crisps with a fruity glass of Body of Christ.

Uh-huh. I'll do it. I might chop my fingers off, but I'll do it.

No, do you know what?

Let's do it together.

All this feels so wrong, but so right.

-ha-ha!

179.

What?

Not bad.

Are you counting?

So, when you lose a sense, your other senses try and find a way to compensate.

Touch, smell.

But in my case, numbers.

I can't help it, it's just the way my brain works.

I hope you don't mind.

No, no. If that catches on, it's going to ruin sex globally.

Time to count sheep.

Well, well, well.

If you had more hair, I'd say you had bed head.

Maybe.

-Here you go. -Thanks for...

What's this? He is never going to marry you.

It's a fucking lemon.

Where's the etrog? Pippa wanted lemon tea.

You made tea from his etrog?

Yeah.

Joshy!

I hope the sex was worth it.

Yes, it was, actually.

Here's the lull of an etrog Uncle Paul bought you.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Yeah?

Boom.

How did she stay over?

Oh, we're in the sucker.

So, you know, outside, all legit.

And her zero-zero vision didn't bother you?

No, no. Although, she does have this weird thing, this, like,

hyper-maths brain, where she counts anything without even thinking about it.

I was, uh, 179.

179 what?

Oh, you know...

What?

I don't, I don't know what that is.

No, no.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

-Why? -How are you not getting this?

I don't know what it is! I don't know what you're doing!

-It's thrusts! -It's thrusts!

Stop it!

He's 179 good.

Worst was 23.

Best?

800 and something.

Oh, I'll have his number.

-Hello. -Hey.

Grandpa!

Hello all.

Grandpa, look what Uncle Paul bought me.

A little of an etrog.

That's a lemon.

It's an etrog, dad.

Yeah, did you tell him it was an etrog?

-Mm-hmm. -A lemon?

Definitely a lemon.

Maybe I'll buy him another one then.

Yeah, I'll come with you.

Yeah.

Okay, bye guys.

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Where are the cheap ones?

Sold out.

Oh, right.

So 75 quid.

My son's an idiot.

I'll give you 40.

It's Italian.

35 then.

What?

-30. -50.

-25. -You'll never find better quality.

20. And that'll teach you not to mess with a retired lawyer.

Okay.

Done.

Good.

My treat.

Really?

Yeah, sure.

What did we say?

15?

Oh, by the way, Naomi told me she saw you out with a blind woman.

-Filippa? -Pippa.

And, as of last night, we are now officially dating.

Oh, good, good.

That's good.

Good.

You went out with her?

It was months after your mother left me.

She is in her fucking thirties!

She's blind!

You're the guy.

You're the guy!

-What guy? -With the...

-What? -With the penis!

With the-year-old penis!

I never touched her, and she never touched me.

Except for here, on my eyes.

And she called me out based on a very specific number of wrinkles.

But that was it.

End of date.

Bad enough you even tried!

Oh, get over yourself.

We all did.

All?

A few of my single friends.

Only Barry Gold got anywhere.

Third base, as I recall.

Oh, stop, stop!

Stop, I do not want to hear how Barry fucking mid-seventies

pensioner gold conned his way into now intimate relations with my girlfriend!

Over 80s.

Ooh.

Curiously good skin for his age.

Ooh.

Are you okay with this?

Are you kidding me?

I love Sunday cinema.

Especially after a spectacular early morning-forty-one!

Ooh, pickpockets!

Uh, right, what do you want?

Fried egg?

No.

Jelly blue babies?

No.

Fizzy bottles?

No.

Cherry lips?

-No. -How are you doing that?

The sound.

More fizzy bottles in there.

That's impressive.

Very impressive. Okay, I'm gonna go and get some tickets.

I'll have some chocolate peanuts.

Okay, sure.

Ooh, white mice!

And we are seat numbers.

Here we are.

Four and five.

Bang on as usual.

All right, and they just describe everything that's going on?

Mm-hmm.

I'll let you listen to the trailer when they come on.

Excuse me.

Sorry, do you mind just moving a long one?

What?

Would you mind just moving a long one?

No, it's my seat.

Okay, you're just gonna move up, okay

Yes, that's better.

Okay, so where is he now?

He's in front of you. Oh, no, no, that's no good.

Well, what's the difference?

Well, in my head, there's now this huge monolith sitting right in front of me.

You can't see it.

That's not the point.

What is the point?

Just move to seven.

Okay, so now you've got an unobstructed...

I'm gonna just view the right word.

Perfect.

Thank you for taking me out.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

Oh, we've got raisins.

-Hm? -You've got chocolate raisins.

They sounded like peanuts.

Sorry.

-All right. -Well, no one's perfect.

I prefer the peanuts.

I'll get the pick and mix next time.

Right.

Oh!

Hi.

Hi. Can we stay another couple of nights, if that's OK?

Can we be flexible?

Did he move?

Thanks.

-There's two of them. -Exhausted.

Keeps himself awake at night.

Two giants.

He's torturing himself

Sorry, she's blind.

Don't apologize for me ever!

You're just groping the heads of two complete strangers.

Okay, so why didn't you tell me another one had sat in front of me?

Because you would have asked to move, but it makes

literally no sense because you can't see anything.

Oh, a blind thing?

Also, also, I am a little bit worked up about Barry Gold.

Barry Gold?

Barry fucking Gold?

He let him get the third base.

Well, you told me he was in his fucking 40s!

Yes, well, Barry lied!

Welcome to my frigging world.

I told you.

Just FYI, no one under 60 talks about bases.

-Enough now. -Come inside.

I can't.

I'm sticking with it.

You're absolutely nuts.

Well, it's for the story.

You take it very seriously.

I dated a Telegraph online journalist once.

134.

And all he did was-and-paste press releases.-and-paste?

And 134?

-Mm-hmm. -Beat it on two counts.

PHONE RINGS Oh, God.

-Yes? -Where's Josh's fucking Etrog?

I've got it. I'll bring it round later.

Oh, my God.

You look absolutely frozen.

Well, I am frozen.

Why isn't the thrust counter keeping you warm?

Shh!

What?

-Shit. -Later. -You told her?

Uh, I did.

Do you normally tell Naomi how long you last her in sex?

We're very close.

So, with a normally sighted girlfriend, you tell Naomi,

I made love last night and it lasted nearly six minutes?

This is very different.

Your numbering system is a highly unusual quirk.

A highly unusual and incredibly alluring quirk.

That gorgeous, huge brain of yours.

You think my brain is gorgeous?

Yeah.

Come here.

Oh!

What the fuck is going on?

God, I've been hit by a pineapple!

Bloody sucker fell down.

Oh, the sucker needs sucker.

Here.

Oh, an actual etrog.

Well, you can give it to him.

Come in, come in, come in, come in.

Joshie!

Joshy!

So, 800 and...

Jesus Christ!

Just asking.

871.

Look, I really don't want this to become a thing.

I might be a bit late for that.

-What? -Joshy!

Look what Pippa's brought you.

Here you are, Joshy.

What's wrong with you?

Joshy?

No, probably Naomi.

I'm blind, sweetheart.

Cool.

Thanks.

Hi, hot drinks.

Do you want milk?

-Sugar? -Oh, yes, please.

Mum, how do you write six million?

Er, six and six zeros.

Is that a lot?

Go on, back upstairs.

Holocaust studies at eight years old.

It's too young, I'd say.

Not quite accurate, too.

What?

Exactly six million.

That would have been a hell of a coincidence.

Sorry?

Exactly six million.

It's just a bit unlikely.

Statistically, my accountant's brain kicking in.

It could have been five million, nine hundred thousand and ninety something.

My God, you're shagging a Holocaust denier.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not denying it.

She's not denying it. It could have been more

than six million, and the same point applies.

I'm just a bit of a stickler for numbers.

It's a fair point.

What fair point? One fucking year brain goes to mush.

It's six million.

-On the dot? -Yeah, could be.

Come on. Once you start messing with the

numbers, some fascist cunt's gonna say it was fifty-six.

Fifty-six?

Three hundred and two.

No, it was millions.

Or just not six.

It's just highly unlikely to be a round number, that's all.

But not impossible.

Well, obviously it's not impossible.

Excellent. So, statistically possible, then?

Yes.

Settled.

My assistant at work, her family are from Russia.

And do you know how many Russians died during the Second World War?

What, the nearest one?

No.

About 24 million.

24?

About 24.

OK, that is really bad.

-Bad? -It's terrible.

About 2.5 million of those Russians were Jews, just

shot by the Nazis and buried or burned, but not in camp.

So no tattooed numbers or nicely-typed records, which is why no-one,

no-one can ever prove that it was exactly, exactly to the one, 6 million.

Boom!

What the fuck?

I'm really sorry.

Just take me home.

-OK. -Yes, take the denier home.

I'm not a denier.

Sorry, take the revisionist home.

She's not a revisionist.

Exactly, revisionists are fucking lying scumbags.

Oh, well, I'm glad we agree.

No, I'm glad we agree.

OK, OK, OK, OK.

24 million.

Wow.

You know, the Russians have got terrible Holocaust PR.

Yeah, I mean, how do we not know that?

If there were 24 dogs in Yemen in danger,

the British press would be all over that.

-Yeah. -Humans, no. -Dogs, yeah.

Or a plane and fly them all out, and then

some PR tosser will compare it to Dunkirk.

A couple of dead dogs, Jabez gets involved, Yemen sorted.

Why did you chuck away the instructions?

Because I didn't know I was going to have to put it up again, did I?

I didn't know Pepper was going to knock it all over.

Pepper?

Yeah.

Wait a sec.

Pippa, not Philippa.

I've got her.

Pippa, accountant.

BTC.

You're joking.

B is for blind, obviously.

-TC... -Thrust counter.

Thrust counter.

Yeah, that's her.

And, um...

I got 270.

What did you get?

I'm a bit sick.

-So, less. -You can go now.

What about the fruit?

Leave the fruit. Go on. You know, fruit is very good for the...

Out.

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For fuck's sake!

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let's go

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