All language subtitles for Hapless s01e05 Feathers & Foreskins.eng

Are you still there?

Yes, I'm still there.

I just saw a woman

display the suitcases on the street,

go in again and pick up the hand luggage

and when she's on her way
out, a guy steals the mop bags.

Is she Jewish?

Do you really want me to go and ask?

That we are a Jewish newspaper

does not mean that we can not write
about national news.

I need a Jewish angle.

- It's in North London!
-Give me a Jewish angle.

Jews only drive mopeds
on Greek holidays.

A vegan baker has set up a stall in Finchley.

-Where do you have the Jewish angle there?
-She agrees to a half-page ad.

How about this, then?

Jewish man unfairly punished
for so-called "traffic crime".

-Who?
-I!

If you notice the slightest
trace of anti-Semitism, so be it.

-Okay, I have to hang up.
-Write about the vegan!

Certainly.

To you.

-Bread?
-Not just bread - ready cut.

Frozen?

Almost like you just took it out of the freezer

to ask me for a favor.

Can not a sister give her brother
a fucking loaf of bread?

What do you do later?

I'm going on a date and need a babysitter.
Please?

I can not. I am busy.

With journalism
or a real job?

I'm going on a blind date.

Mine goes before.

Why?

For I have met him
and he has shown interest

and you're lying.

Why did you book a date
if you did not have a babysitter?

All Jewish teenagers in London

apparently going to a club tonight -
those bastards!

Your sensitive side is really
wasted on HR.

Do you love your nephew or not?
See you at 7.30 pm!

-I'm going to think about it.
-No!

Do not throw away the bread. That's good stuff!

Hi, it's me again.

You were here yesterday.

Yes it was me.

My key copies usually work.

I made two copies of this one.

The first is amazing,
like a knife through butter.

The other, on the other hand ...

Does it not work?

I have to push, turn, pull, screw.

Push, turn, pull, screw.

-Press, turn ...
-It works, then.

It does its job: to open the door.

-Yes, but not satisfactory.
-No problems. You get a new one.

But only this afternoon.

Can't you just do it now?

If you want one that does not work
I can do it now.

No, no, I already have.

I have to take a ridiculous course
in speed awareness this afternoon.

-How fast did you drive?
-60 km / h.

-40 km / h on a 30-kilometer stretch. Swine.
-Pig.

Kids on bicycles with support wheels
drove around me.

Swine.

But it's better
than getting dots, right?

Because we connect over ...

- Do you live in the area?
-Yes.

-I'm leaving it when I close.
-Can you do that? The top!

Give me the master key
and keep the trouble.

Thanks.

You forget one thing.

-Sorry for being rude.
-Address?

What is your address?

108C Barnet Way.

I've done away with myself.

What? Hello!

I need to get a key sharpened.

The guy was going to leave
it, but he asked for my address.

If I give him my address

does he have my home key
and knows where I live.

He may have acquaintances
in the underworld.

- He can.
-I do not know him.

You do not.

He can be part of a big one

underground gang conspiracy.

Just.

You can be kidnapped, drugged
and sold as a sex slave in Romania.

I'm serious.
I had to find an address.

Jaha?

So the key should be left
at a non-existent address?

I panicked.

I said 108C The Child Way.

I would not even like to visit that address.

Not to mention burglary.

-What are you doing this afternoon?
-I'm going on a date with my family doctor.

-Where then?
-Her clinic.

So you have a doctor's appointment.

Semantics. Do it yourself.

I'm going on a speed awareness course.

108C Barnet Way,
it's Mill Hills Golf Club.

Damn it too.

You have two choices:

Join an expensive golf club today
and say you're expecting a delivery,

or tell where you actually live.

Wonderfully. I can just as easily
give him my card and my code.

Or we have alternative C.

Good dinner, everyone.

Welcome to today's course
in speed awareness.

You have all driven faster than 50 km / h
on a 50-mile stretch.

What will be the punishment then? Hanging?

Arquebusering?

Fatal injection?

Why do you look so sad?

It is much worse to drive over 65 km / h.

We do all three.

Then we will listen to
what everyone has done.

Who starts?

I am waiting...

I am waiting.

Bingo!

My name is Paul. I drove at 60 km / h.

Lewis Hamilton.

-But it was on Finchley Road.
-No but here, Paul.

#It's not fair.

# Absolutely Right - no, it's not!

Who wants to continue?

My name is Julie. I drove at 65 km / h.

-No phones, please.
-I'm going out.

Let it go fast!

How is the fictional blind date going?

Yes, okay, I'm babysitting. See you later.

Rather babysitter.

"Babysitter" is the accepted term.

He is five years old.

As I said: I have the opportunity
to babysit if needed.

He has no cradle and does not
eat banana puree - he is a child.

Do you say no because of
my choice of words?

Yes! Why are you even fussing about
it? You have no fucking children of your own!

Should I look after your child,
yes or no?

Yes!

Hello.

Five centimeters open?

Fantastic, this should go fast.

I love you. Love you.

Button head.

Well, what have we learned today?

Raise your hand if you agree

driving at over 50 km / h is dangerous.

Wait wait...

Here we go!

I can raise my hand
if it makes you happy.

No danger, Paul.
We love getting feedback.

If my car drives on a child at 50 km / h
it's bad,

but a bus would flatten the kid
completely.

So if a bus is allowed to run at 50 km / h,
which it gets,

then I should be able to drive faster.

Write to the Minister of Transport.

So ... Yes, Paul?

One more thing.
Parents with children in the back seat ...

"I want a club!
I want a club!"

I have no children.
I have full concentration.

Faster reaction rate -
fewer dead children.

It's also an interesting idea.
Well, where were we now?

Yes?

Those who are just distracted, then?
And has poorer ability to concentrate.

How would we rate it?

You may be able to include
final grades in the calculation.

Those who have an average grade of 19
can drive a little faster.

-Everyone with over 17.5.
-I am a PhD in quantum physics.

Yes. Yes, Julie. You can drive faster than me.

I only have an average grade of 15.

We can lower the bar a little.

We can say 15.

-What did you have? Clause 7.6:

If the instructor considers someone
to be aggressive or disruptive

may not complete the course!

It must have gone really bad.

I dropped out when I was 16,
so what can I drive?

I do not know. 15?

-15 km / h?
-You would have put in more effort.

I made an effort!

You're just not that smart,
so you have to drive a little slower.

You're failed.

I have your Jewish angle on the course.

I'm all ears.

-It is held by anti-Semites.
-How do you know that?

-They toothed me! Is that the reason?

-Yes, they toothed me, damn it!
-I need more.

You have to give me more. Go vegan.

Yes, I'm going there now.

And a new organic kosher butcher
opens on Sunday.

We can show both sides.

Great idea.

It even gave me a half-heartedness.

Yummy.

Thanks. Do you want milk in?

We have soy, almonds, coconut and hemp.

Hemp, is not it a kind of rope?

It's a seed.

You can make ropes out of it
when it is fully grown.

Then it will be rope milk.

Vegan is in vogue right now, right?

It is useful for oneself
and for the planet.

I could not handle it.
I love meat too much.

I still miss sushi.

Shall I sneak away
and buy you a salmon roll?

No, I would actually feel physically ill then.

-Is it not good?
-No.

You get used to it. Do you want honey?

Do you eat honey?

Yes, if it is organic and locally produced.

Locally produced? Then it tastes
well diesel. Diesel with rep.

Good slogan. You can use it.

Thanks.

So you are not convinced
by the diesel tea with rope?

Would a vegan let me have this jacket?

There is artificial leather.

Yes, but I love the smell.

It's your own choice.

We are not fools.

All my vegan cakes
are homemade,

and 100% free from animal products

as well as by-products.

So they are 100% kosher.

It should appeal to the Jewish group.

-I got it!
-What?

A fly landed on your banana and caramel brownie.

That was a perceptive creature!

But it felt nothing.

Dog directly. Do not sell that piece.

You could have waved it off!
Why did not you do that?

Then it had landed on your walnut loaf.

They carry billions of bacteria.

It's my stand, and my choice!

You may not sell cupcakes
full of feces.

Full of?

I did not realize that shit is vegan.

I did it again. No!

No luck with the doctor, then?

On the contrary. She says I have high cholesterol

and she wants to see me again in three months.

She must be interested.

Hello?

-Veganen wants to withdraw the ad!
-She's crazy!

Advertisements pay your salaries.

I said you'll be there tonight
and sort it out.

Incredible.

I could expose anti-Semitism
within the Labor Party.

They probably know that.
Is the vegan woman single?

No clue.

-Sweet?
-Yes.

If she's a sweet single, is it okay if I hook up?

I told her she's crazy.

I'm not getting married to her.
I can be your helper.

My God, look!

It's Goebbels from driving school.
He has knee pads!

-Knäpommes?
-Distractive knee pads.

And chicken wings.

Take a photograph!

-Take a photograph!
-Okay, okay.

So there.

I'll appeal the dots. If I lose, I'll lower him.

Would french fries be enough?

One hand is enough for smaller maneuvers,

but should one give way to type ...
a deer,

then you need two hands! Ten to two.

Not one at two o'clock and the other
digging for knee pads.

-Half past two.
-Half three, yes.

Teeth me
and holds hands at half past two.

Here I am - punctual.

What the hell is he doing here?

He keeps me company in babysitting.

I am an adult.

He stays outside.

Va? Had you not "moved on"?

Well, that's why I have a date. Outside!

-Where is Joshie?
-He is sleeping.

What is this?

That's my key.

Explain.

I had to give the key maker an address.

I could not give my own,
if he is a thief

or moving in thieves' circles.

So you gave a stranger my address,
which he passed on to thieves

who are now waiting for me to go out

so that they can get in,
but it is not possible - what happens next?

Then the thieves go their way.

Maybe they do.

Or out of sheer irritation
over that key bastard

does not fit, because it is the wrong house,

they slam my door and
smear dog shit on the walls.

It was nice that he left it.

-Fuck off!
-Can I get the key?

Make sure my address thieves are removed
from the key thieves.

-Yes, okay.
-I do not want dog shit on the wall!

Outside.

Please, do not smear dog
shit on my sister's walls.

Va?

-Can I go straight to the point?
-The straighter the better.

You seem to be a very honest guy,

but you have my home key
and my address

and you may well use them
for shameful purposes.

That's why I gave you my sister's address.

Did I leave the key with your sister?

What's on 108C Barnet Way?

Mill Hills Golf Club.

Do you live at the golf club?

No, you're misunderstanding.

I live at 63 Bedford Street.

I get it.

I may have made two keys.

One for you, one for me,

and used my
to steal from you.

Not necessarily you.
Maybe you have a cleaner?

Is my cleaner a thief?

Think of it this way:

When to leave,

do you then book the taxi
to your or your neighbor's house?

-My.
-You are really gullible.

Do you book a taxi to the neighbor's house?

-Of course.
-In the house next door?

Not always. Sometimes I book
to two or three doors away.

The point is, the taxi company
knows you're on vacation

and can send their thieves there.

They might rob your neighbors.

No, because they are at home.

I'm on holiday.

They are not on vacation. They are home.

Just leave my sister's house.

Please.

Check out!

Oh my God,

do not say
that you actually own it there.

Cancer Research! Four pounds,
four pounds. These are mine.

Unbelievable.
Polyester from head to toe.

It's vegan clothes.

Free from animal products
and by-products.

I'm just rigging the odds
in my favor.

Just try to behave.

-You should have taken jeans.
-I take no risks.

-Jeans are cotton.
-The label on the back is in leather!

-Hello again.
-Hejsan.

-Come in.
-Thank you.

I'm terribly sorry for yesterday.

Your editor told
about your mental illness.

Good good...

This is Simon, our photographer.

Animal welfare is my driving force in life.

Wow, that sparked us!

I have a boyfriend, this is a job -
and polyester is not nice.

Follow along.

Do you bake everything here at home?

Of course.

Is it okay if I ...?

Does not it.

Can we talk in private?

Of course. Simon, can you ...?

I'm a little nervous at the thought of
connecting the story

with the organic kosher butcher.

How can I help?

I had a coffee with a friend ...

Repkaffe.

She is on the more militant
end of the vegan scale.

And I happened to mention the Jewish Enquirer.

Okay?

And she said that Jews read
on scrolls in the synagogue.

Toran.

-Which are made of parchment.
-It's right.

Which are processed animal skins.

-Is it?
-It is leather you can write on.

It does not smell like my jacket.

So you basically worship dead animals.

It's the Bible!

I understand, absolutely.

And I know they're really old,

but you must have to make new rolls.

Yes...

Then you can exhibit the old ones in museums.

Do you want us to get rid of our sacred scrolls?

That would be the most vegan friendly.

Should we burn them, do you think?

Now you are overreacting.

What should we write the new ones on?

Anything but dead sheep.

Some kind of dried sweet potato
or coconut shell?

I just wanted to bring it up.

No, no, no, forget it.

I'm not writing an article
promoting an anti-Semite.

Simon, we're going!

I'm not an anti-Semite!

No, no, anti-Semitism is just a by-product, huh?

-Let's go.
-The shirt itches from just hell.

This house is built on anti-Semitism!

Forget it.

Good kebabs always strike sex
with a humor-free vegan.

-I would like to discover it for myself.
-Titta. Look!

Like a knife through butter.

Please, hurry up.

Feel free to borrow a sweater.

-And pants?
-If you wash them later.

Damn, there have been burglaries!
It's been a fucking burglary!

-Burglary?
-Yes.

-They were not there when I left.
-Va?

The cup bastards!

Okay. What has been stolen?

The TV is still on.

There are no signs of burglary.

It's the key maker.

He has my address, and now
he's trying to prove something.

He can break in
and you can do nothing about it.

- Do you want to move in with me?
-No!

Check each room.
Make sure everything is locked.

I have to change the lock on the door bastard!

Wear a sweater!

-It's a Chub lock, huh?
-Best there is.

The top. How about a quick selfie?

-Why?
-For Instagram, only.

So there. Hold out the name tag.

There you go.

Great.

ECOLOGICAL AND KOSHER!

Hi. I'm writing an article
for the Jewish Enquirer.

-I'm coming soon.
-Okay.

-Hello?
-Can you buy burgers?

I'm standing outside. Joshie
is sleeping in the back seat.

I work!

Then I wake him up
and take him in half asleep

and weeping.

Okay!

Where were you yesterday?

Worked, then I had a break-in.

Oh God! Are you okay?

Yes, that's the damn key maker!

My God, you were right!

He took nothing. He just rolled in

drank a cup of tea and stuck.

- Were there two cups in front?
-Yes.

-With Nelson Mandela motif?
-Yes.

Are you still putting the key

under the brick
to the left of the door?

You know I do.

Why are you breaking into my house?

I had dinner with Dad, then we passed you,

which was damn sisterly of me,

and you were not there,
so I made tea.

You could have written a note:

"Just me and Dad.
Absolutely no burglary."

-I thought you had a brain.
-A little note! A little note,

so I would have avoided putting £ 300
on a new lock!

Not a shit was stolen.
Why did you think it was a burglary?

Because you're a suspicious pussy!

Hello!

Sure, then I buy the burgers myself.

-Hello! God, what are you doing here?

Gives you a true story.

-Away with meat.
-Va?

Away with meat!

Who the hell are you to tell me
what can I eat?

He called me anti-Semitic.
Away with meat!

-Usel ramsa.
-Not as cash as "burn the rollers".

Excuse me! Can I have a package of burgers?

-Stick! Just a packet of burgers!

Hello Darling.

AWAY WITH MEAT

Mr. Three dots.

-My name is Phil.
-Phil, just that.

There you are wrong! My name is Paul, Mr.
No final grade.

You robbed my son of his Sunday lunch.

Blame him.

I blame who the hell I want.
Go and buy burgers for Joshie.

No, it goes against my principles.

I'm shitting if the cow
is your reborn grandmother.

Send your boyfriend.

-I'm also vegan, I'm scared.
-So, how did the food from KFC taste?

-Va?
-Just it.

I saw you this evening
with your french fries.

-Knäpommes?
-Yes, your distracting knee pads.

They did not distract me.

Did you eat at KFC?

Wait, here it comes ...

A small ... value menu.

A little value menu
with the poor chickens?

Hello, he is a perceptive creature!

Hope you did not kiss him
with all the animal remains he has in his mouth.

Hello!

-An ant!
-So there, yes.

Front page story with a Jewish angle:

Neo-Nazi vegan violence against kosher butchers.

Release!

ÖVERRABBIN SHOPS AT M&S

CHOPPED HERRING -
CAN IT DESTROY YOUR SEX LIFE?

RABBIN EATS 12 MATZES IN 7 MINUTES

PHOTO LIBRARY ACCUSED
OF HAVING TOO FEW JUDIC PHOTOS

ANTISEMITIC ATTACKS INCREASE
BY 0.03%

FLIGHT TO TEL AVIV LANDAR IN TIME

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