Original subtitles

-It must be impossible to prove. -You're probably right.

Leaves do not even stand as an ingredient. -How is it relevant to Jews?

It can be more than 15,854, it can be fewer.

But what are the odds that it is exactly 15,854?

No one cares.

Not even a trace.

I want you to do "The Rabbi Answers" this week.

Why?

He's taking a bike ride in Israel for the RSPCA.

-Send the questions then. -What questions?

The questions the rabbi must answer.

Well, those questions. We invent them.

Wait, every week you have a page where the rabbi answers readers' questions.

You just invent the questions?

Who the hell asks a rabbi in the newspaper when they can only call a rabbi?

Exactly.

That's why we invent them!

-Mazel tov! -Why then?

-I'm become an uncle! -Then I'll tell you.

-We take it from the beginning. -Yes.

-Mazel tov, you have become an uncle! -Have I?

Come in!

-What fun, boy or girl? -Boys.

-Are the mother and child well? -Under the circumstances.

Who?

Catholic father, Jewish mother. Do you remember the wedding?

-Liam offered me supper bread. -You said you did not eat gluten.

Am I forgiven?

Not really, but Amanda needs our help.

Okay.

Liam is against this with circumcision.

Really? Does he not want to cut off the top of the baby's penis? Strange.

He says it's up to us

but he does not want to have anything to do with it.

Do you know any circumcising people?

And mohel? Yes, I actually do. My dentist, Bernard Levy.

Is your dentist mohel too? Does he like to give pain?

He has been doing it forever.

He's not the marathon man, Shall I call him?

Is it safe?

I do not know if it's safe.

-Is it safe? -I do not know.

-Is it safe? -Yes, it's very safe!

Call him.

Check this out.

God, you must be kidding.

SAL 1

Hey!

Hi, what is this?

A tooth at long time tooth loss.

As it stands.

-No. It's a vagina. -Is it?

Why do you have a poster with a female genitalia in the waiting room?

I have not!

Is it a clitoris?

I see what you mean but ...

where is the anus then?

-I can not. -Because it's a tooth.

What do you want?

My sister had a baby yesterday.

-Mazel tov! -Thank you.

The child is healthy, over three kilos. They live in Sheen.

-Paul recommended you. -I'm happy to help.

I need to see the boy first, completely on Thursday.

Wait.

How do I convince my sister that you're the right man for the job?

It's like choosing a dentist. Most often you are recommended.

But if the repair does not go well, you can go to another dentist.

You can not go with a mutilated penis to another mohel.

-Yes, do you have any pictures? -On what?

Before and after. Not immediately afterwards, of course.

You know, heal.

No, I do not collect pictures of children's penises.

Have some confidence. I'm skilled.

Okay then.

Paul could not give me a price quote.

According to tradition, the circumciser does the work of God

so there is no formal fee.

So it's kind of charity?

No formal fee.

It is up to the parents to give what they think is appropriate.

Can you give me one approximately?

Not directly.

Maybe a clue, kind of nod a little?

If you insist.

One five?

-There he shook a little. -Yes, a little neighbor.

Okay, fifty?

More than fifty? It's kind of an hour's job.

I check the boy before and after.

Three visits? One hundred and fifty pounds?

250?

In order not to charge a fee you earn quite well.

Is it under 500 pounds?

If the parents choose to give 500 then.

Satisfied?

I just have to ask Amanda.

Hello?

-Hi, it's me. -What do you want?

Why do you think I want something?

You use it.

I have something you need to hear. When can you come by?

I have a meeting now, so around two?

Okay, great, this is going to make you famous.

-Hello. I'm Mike. -Hey.

Come in.

How can I help you?

I'm investigating this shower cream

which I bought at a supermarket in your constituency.

Yes.

Look at the label.

Yes.

The figure is very specific.

It is the.

I bought this at the same supermarket.

A peanut butter that claims to change your life.

-Changing life? -Change life.

I've eaten it for months, life did not change.

Okay, if you're a nut allergy sufferer, eat it and die

then life changes.

But otherwise nothing.

Check this out.

It says spaghetti "bolognese". It's not what it's in it.

The main ingredient is potatoes.

If I poured it into a bowl, I would be disappointed.

Just type a gegga or something.

And check here, "double delicious".

How can something be doubly delicious?

I understand. What do you want me to do?

There must be a selection committee for trade standards.

It makes it.

Companies must be able to prove their claims.

When you go to Perfect Pizza you do not expect perfect pizza.

I do.

Yesterday I bought fast food from a place called Best Kebab.

It's just a name.

But if it says Best Kebab, it must be only the best kebab.

I Finchley?

In London?

The world's best kebab?

Waitrose Essentials. Not so essential, right?

We do not need them. We can live without them.

That's what I mean.

You should take the side of the people against big business.

You've probably confused us with the Labor Party.

Listen, I'm a journalist for The Jewish Enquirer.

-What? -The Jewish ... It matters.

-Also the newspaper's rabbi. -A rabbi?

For this week.

Rabbi, I love Jews.

My party loves Jews!

I go to the Hanukkah ceremony in Golders Green every year.

And last year I was at the Easter meal.

Sir!

My dog has broken his leg.

What a shame.

We're raising money for an operation.

-What are you doing for something? -We collect money.

Type, do you swim for charity?

No.

Not? Bicycles?

No.

Silence for charity?

-No, people just give me money. -Okay.

You should not do anything for the dog

instead of relying on people's generosity?

Give it back, Chantal!

What? Her dog is injured.

She's my neighbor, she has no fucking dog!

Why is everyone trying to blow me up? Is no one telling the truth?

-Look at this. -What?

-Is not it incredible? -Is this what you're thinking?

Look, why is the main ingredient aqua?

So people pay more for it.

If they wrote water, no one would buy it.

The mystery is solved.

-This is Leanne. -Hey.

Leanne has a YouTube channel with over 300,000 followers.

What are you doing?

I'm talking about things.

Things?

Like what?

Homework, dates, food, makeup, climate,

LGBT rights, terrorism.

-And you have over 300,000 followers? -Yes.

Do you express strong opinions?

Yes, sometimes I say that climate change is very bad.

Sometimes I say it's good.

But I do not think you should kill anyone if you do not have a good reason.

Aha, that's humor!

No.

Seriously?

I'm not that smart.

-I do it wearing underwear. -In the underwear. Brilliant.

Nice to meet you, Leanne.

Okay. I'm following you out.

-Okay? 300,000 followers. -300 000.

-Thank you for coming! -It's okay.

You were great. Bye, old lady!

Gumman? Are you mad?

She sells her body for clicks while she talks lubrication.

She can use her body as she pleases.

Of the 300,000 followers,

how many are fat old men in middle age?

Everyone, probably.

Okay, the brain is from Erikshjälpen,

but she uses her resources to get what she wants.

It's damn admirable!

Her mother is my colleague

and she was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

And?

She is sick. All good news is a bonus.

If I write about her will the cancer magically disappear?

They are not connected.

Be a good person.

Does she get chemotherapy? Because it will do more good.

-Hi simon. -Liam says it's too expensive.

What?

It may cost a maximum of 150, including VAT.

VAT? It's probably black money.

He wants you to negotiate.

Okay then.

What was that about?

Simon's sister just had a son. You should call him.

Certainly. Hi simon. Congratulations. Hi then, Simon.

What a conversation.

-You dated. -We fucked.

- Did you have to say that? -Guys say so.

Drunk kids on Ryanair say so.

Not divorced middle-class women who run Zumba on Thursdays.

Okay, Bernard ...

Bernard?

Bernard ... Yes, mohelen.

Bernard Levy. Say you'm kidding.

-He's my dentist. Shake Bernie, he's cutting Joshie.

-Dad wanted to kill him -I do not remember.

You flirted with the waitress. Joshie screamed like a stung pig.

I asked what was going on.

And?

He said he trimmed a bit.

Trimmed?

-Trimmed? -Trimmade.

-You can not trim the foreskin. -No, you can not.

It's £ 300 I'll never get back.

-Have you changed your mind? -I'm just careful.

You are joking.

-What? -What is this?

A denture.

No, it's a vagina with a vibrator inserted.

I'm an orthodox Jew and I do not see it.

How is it relevant? You know what a vibrator is.

My kippa protects me from seeing what God does not want me to see.

And God does not want

see you put up a picture on a battery-powered masturbator.

Just like that. In a nutshell.

A nutshell?

God. I want to see what a picture of one looks like.

Let's move on.

It's decided, I guess?

No, I was talking to my sister Naomi

and you circumcised her son Joshie about five years ago?

I do so many that after a while all the penises look the same.

You probably remember this one.

How many have you trimmed?

"I'm just trimming a little."

A joke to lighten the mood.

I also use "I just cut the tops"

and "I prefer sausages without skin".

It's just a joke.

But he screamed and your hands shook.

Okay...

I do it for 450.

-My sister paid 300. -It was five years ago.

-I do not want a discount. -What do you want?

I was wondering if you can recommend someone else.

Do you call an electrician and ask him to recommend another?

You have a point.

Change dentist too.

What? Are you kicking me as your patient?

Stop if you want, but look at my hand!

-Thanks for helping me. -It's calm.

My nephew is hungry.

Constantly.

Save a little for the rest of us.

Let him eat before he is mutilated.

It's just like punching in the ear.

The foreskin is the most sensitive part of the penis.

Bullshit.

The foreskin has twice as many nerves as the clitoris.

So you've had bad sex and are condemning my son to the same fate.

I'm having great sex, thank you. Simon?

I have nothing to compare with but it's sensitive enough.

Okay. So this is the foreskin.

Okay? Soft and ticklish.

Okay? And here you come.

Okay.

And if it's more like this?

The pain is gone.

What are you doing?

-What do you mean? I'm looking away. -It's just a breast.

Yes, but it's your wife's breasts.

That means you see her breasts sexually.

-Otherwise you would ignore it. -I agree.

Breasts are sexual. It is inevitable.

Taking off a bra for the first time is a magical experience.

So you sat there and drooled over Amanda's breasts?

I think your son will take care of it.

Do you have something to cover? Sorry.

Liam, get a scarf.

Oh my God...

Seriously?

What?

Could you not have chosen something less Palestinian?

Excuse me. I have no Israeli flag.

Take a clean kitchen towel.

No, the alternatives are to stare at Amanda's breasts

or think that the scarf is anti-Zionist, okay?

Choose yourself.

I've found a guy in Hendon.

I will see.

-God! He's a butcher! -Yes, but he also does circumcision.

So much experience with knife.

No.

My son will not look like me.

If it's a problem then you can also be circumcised.

-Simon! -He will look like a Jew.

-He's a Jew. -Halvjude.

You can drown him, can't you?

-Drown? Drenched in the baptismal font.

-Baptized? -Yes, exactly.

-No. -No, that's fair!

It is...

We got married in a fucking church, which we agreed on.

Here's one on Harley Street who says he's circumcising boys up to eight.

Eight? Barbaric.

So eight is barbaric but eight days is something to celebrate?

Yes it is.

He is a Muslim.

How do you know that?

His name is Abdullah Al Shawari.

He stuns them.

He has more letters after the name than in the name

and he does it at one's house.

Not a chance! No!

Not here. Not in our house!

Do not annoy me with that bastard coming here

and chop off my son's fucking foreskin, no!

Not in this house.

Not today! Not tomorrow! I do not allow that.

You live much bigger than me. Lots of natural light.

What exactly are you suggesting?

Friday morning, okay? Maximum one hour.

A guy comes, cut-cut. Clear.

Shaky Bernie is not coming?

No, a Muslim doctor.

Should a Muslim circumcise a Briton?

Liam checked him out and ... Yes, he's not happy, but ...

I can believe that. Does he know his stuff?

Do you know how many Muslims there are in England?

Type five million, all circumcised. Do you know how many Jews?

Hundreds of thousands?

At most around 150 thousand.

So who would you trust?

We're making a deal.

Can't you just do it to be kind?

-How long have we been siblings? -Too long.

Let Leanne talk about it, okay?

Get her in the newspaper and you can use my house.

What do you think of this for "The Rabbi Answers"?

Is sex better for the uncircumcised than for the circumcised?

Never in my life, I get fired.

Why?

Do you think I can print an article about how Jews are bad in bed?

-Not bad in bed. -People will believe it.

Muslims too.

I'm not pushing it, okay?

This then?

Is it kosher to breastfeed

if you just ate a bag of pork rind?

And what is the answer?

Do not know.

Just come up with an answer!

Okay. Yes.

You're a cash rabbi. I'm finding someone else.

Good. I have a better story.

I'm going to a circumcision on Friday.

Is it penis week, or?

A young female blogger who does everything in her underwear will be there.

Interested?

Damn.

Is it damn yes or damn no?

Yes, damn yes, of course.

Yes of course.

You invite me to a circumcision?

It's called a Mitzvah.

To do something nice for no reason at all.

Just because it's fun.

By attending do I make a Mitzvah?

Yes, and the newspaper and a young vlogger will report on it.

Friday morning?

Unfortunately, I'm busy then.

Thank you family from me

and all Jews for their fantastic contribution to society.

She has over 300,000 followers on YouTube.

Okay, I'm ready soon.

Where should I sit?

Here by the window, thank you.

If you're going to hold him, you're not moving out of the spot.

Do you let him hold the baby?

Hi, this is Mike Geddis, Member of Parliament.

-Leanne to report. -Hey, Leanne.

My mother wrote down some questions I would ask.

She must be proud.

Why do I have to wait five months for my cancer surgery?

When will the wall pits in Finchley be repaired?

And why did you lower corporate tax?

I have a small tradition.

Before I start I say dekh kebootah.

It means "look, pigeons" in Urdu. To distract the child.

What if healthcare did so? "Look, pigeons!" Pulls out a kidney.

Look, pigeons! No spinal anesthesia.

I also use anesthetics.

I may need whiskey.

-Where is Liam? -He takes one last look.

Okay. Simon. Can I borrow you?

Do you want to do some objective research?

About what?

Okay. We have two feathers. One in our hand, Simon.

We pull down our pants, you move us at the same time, we'll see

who knows it first.

It is not an objective test.

Not so objective, but it might make it easier.

-I'm not comfortable with that. -Are you not comfortable?

I do not want to tickle your snot. Or something at all.

Okay, I'll do it if you do not want to.

- Are these my options? -Yes, give them a hit.

Okay. Come on, Liam. Come and sit down.

Okay, get it over with.

You are welcome.

Sit down.

Okay.

Get rid of the pants.

Okay.

Close your eyes, no cheating.

Okay?

Go for it.

Then we start.

-Now! -Now!

-Now! -Now!

-Now! -Now!

The child.

-Now! -Now!

-Now! -Now!

-Now! -Now!

We are waiting for you ...

This is normal.

-Now! -Thank you, sir!

-Hope he picks up. -How much did you give her?

Ten pounds. Let's ask her to pick up her horse.

Okay, Liam's ready.

How can I help you, or are you just walking around donating money?

-I'm here for baptism. -Wrong house, unfortunately.

-Chris, get on. -What the hell?

This is Chris Lessing. He is to make an informal baptism

after genital mutilation.

The top.

How wonderful!

Your cunning, Irish ace.

The anesthesia has begun to work.

We begin, in accordance with Jewish tradition.

-Give the child a sip of wine. -A moment, please.

The camera is rolling!

Hello everyone.

I'm filming a circumcision, on a boy.

-It is you. -Girl from YouTube.

Two of your fans are already here, apparently.

Nice to meet you.

Mike Geddis, Member of Parliament and ...

Dr. Al Shawari.

Mike, tighten up.

-Take this one. -Yes, sure.

-About this. -Okay.

Well then.

Dekh Kaboota!

Dekh Kaboota.

Dekh Kaboota!

-Clear. -Mazel tov!

-Mazel tov! -Mazel tov!

And now we baptize the child.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.

Does anyone know Hebrew?

Adon Olam?

-Dekh Kaboota! -Look! Duvor!

Look at the fucking pigeon!

MEMBER TAKES UP PROBLEMS WITH BRANDS

DENTIST WARNING FOR OFFENSIVE IMAGES

JEWISH GIRL WHO SPEAKS LUBRICATION GETS VIRAL

RABBINEN ANSWERS

OUR ORDINARY RABBIN IS ON HOLIDAY THIS WEEK

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