Original subtitles

-Wow, so cool. -First benefit of the job.

-Have you written a car review before? -No.

But how difficult can it be?

Smooth lines, spacious interior.

-Good torque. -What is torque?

You know, torque is ...

Everyone knows what torque is.

If you want to be environmentally friendly, you should cycle everywhere.

If I wanted to, I would lie in bed all day,

not eat cows, and breathe as little as possible until I died.

How to start it?

It's running.

-Stop it. -I promise.

-Va? -Fantastic, right?

It is so quiet that it is almost repulsive.

Start the review with rejection.

They want me to use the word impeccable.

You have not driven yet.

The editor wants me to use impeccable, so ...

Are you nearby?

I'm sick and Joshie has to go to the hairdresser.

-When? -Nu.

-Nu, nu? -No, yesterday now!

Okay, I'm coming.

Are you with me?

Can not. I collect for World Jewish Relief.

-Collects what? -Clothes, toys, whatever.

-They take everything. -Really?

The socks are a bit worn.

There is certainly a stocking Jew in Georgia who wants them.

Come and leave them.

I will. Noble of you to sacrifice your Sunday for charity.

Are there any women involved?

All men in charity want to meet women.

Prince Charles?

So, you never know.

That's his job. He gets paid.

Elton.

-He's gay. -Still!

He is the exception that proves the rule.

-Are gay men more caring? -Don't know, ask the Vatican.

God!

Hold your ears, Joshie.

Stupid fucking ... Stupid fucking chair hell!

Damn!

How's the new car seat, Joshie? Soft and comfortable?

No comment.

He should not answer your questions because you misquote him.

A little paranoid?

-Just get him cut! -Okay.

-If you wonder, I just peed. -Va?

I'll save water. I'm going to be environmentally friendly today.

Are you kidding?

You went to the bathroom and did not flush?

-What should I do with it? -Mom!

-Nothing unless necessary. -It's it now. Flush!

Unfortunately.

-I'm not flushing for you. -Bra.

You should not do that. Okay, are you ready?

-Did you know that you can recycle hair? -No.

Who would have thought that it works in compost?

Not me.

And to stop stuffed animals.

Do you want it?

I'll think about it.

Do you know what happened to the Greek Cypriots?

Va?

Before, all hairdressers were from Cyprus.

-Oh really? -Yes.

The whole island flew here,

cut everyone's hair for twenty years and disappeared.

The restaurants with.

Must be territorial war between Turks and Greeks in London or something.

What the hell are you doing?

-Burns the hair on the ears. -They are bald enough, thank you.

-Have you never done that before? -No!

We're in England! Holy shit!

We are done.

Nice. Do you like it, Joshie?

No comment.

Good, very good.

How much?

Fourteen for you, nine for him.

Fourteen for an adult, nine for a child, timely.

Va?

-You say type 15 and 10 pounds. -No, it's 9 and 14.

For a child, they give you a ten and say keep the gear.

You do not have to.

You know what.

We say 9.50 for him, 50 pence to you,

for his ear was not burned, but mine was,

and exactly 14 pounds for you did not offer me a club.

- Do you want a club? -No.

But you want to be asked.

You are welcome.

Are you offering me a club?

- Do you want a club? -No.

-Okay. -Okay.

Hello?

-Richard Curtis! -What's up with him?

He fixed Comic Relief, not gay, not looking for women.

It was a. Good work.

Okay, hurry up, little man!

Sorry, no. I talked to my nephew. Say hello, Joshie.

Hey!

-You are not funny. -It was not the intention.

It's called little boys. Or Or, little man?

Come on, little man! Hurry up, little man!

Wedge away now, little man!

This is not arranged?

Why would one put energy into it?

You have no idea.

Okay, I'm sorry, if I've insulted you.

You have heavy bags, let me help you.

I have to take the bus and go to Henton.

Forget the bus, okay? Let me help you. How?

-Okay? -Okay, then.

So there, okay. Come on Joshie.

So yes.

Yes.

This is great, you know. Meet new friends, save the environment.

So you just cut your hair, Joshie?

-Too short. -Nothing is too short.

Okay, here's the car.

So there.

-Just a car seat. -Should I sit in a car seat?

-How else are you going? -I sit like everyone else.

I do not know, so ...

Logically, it must have something to do with length.

He's sitting in the car seat and I'm sitting next to him.

No, if I put on the belt wrong you split in the middle.

Just a car seat.

-What are you doing? -I google it.

Do you google for dwarf and car seat?

-Yes. -For hell, I'm taking the bus.

Look, American pages. It must be the same here.

I take the bus!

Please, let me drive you.

Please.

Please.

-Okay. -Okay.

Do you feel good back there?

The top.

-Nice car ride? -It's quiet.

Electrically.

-Good torque. -Really good torque.

-No emissions. -Small carbon footprint.

Like me!

It was good.

Does it smell burnt?

Yes, they burned my ears.

-Who? -A Turkish hairdresser.

You have ear kebabs!

I have!

I have. It was good.

-What the hell is that? -What?

He looks like a kiwi!

What are you talking about? It's nice.

I'm shitting, I said the tops should be cut.

It grows back. They burned my ears. Smell.

I do not feel anything. Wait, who's in your car?

It's Mark.

He's a dwarf. I'm driving him home.

In my car seat? So where was Joshie?

Where was Joshie on her way home from the hairdresser?

In his lap.

In a stranger's lap? Are you not really wise?

I tell him to say no to strangers

and you put him on an alien dwarf's crotch?

-He is OK! -Idiot!

-Remove Glader, give me my car seat. -Glader?

Wise, Leads, Prosit. I shit in who he is!

Remove him now!

-You'll get it late. -Remove the dwarf.

I'll help him.

Take away the dwarf hell and give me the car seat.

I'll return it later.

-I want the hairdresser's money. -Why then?

Of course I want my money back!

If a dress does not fit, you return it!

-For the same size 40? -I have size 38!

-I know what size you are! -Size matters.

If it does not fit, as with Joshie's hairstyle,

-so you demand the money back! -Yes, but ...

Yes, but ...

Can I lend you two seconds?

Just two seconds ...

Thanks.

Thanks.

Sorry, but Joshie's mom says his hair is too short.

You liked it.

Yes, but she apparently just wanted to cut the tops

when she booked the time.

When you buy something from John Lewis you can not return it.

Funny you say that. Because she specifically has that you can.

-Underwear? -No, a dress.

A dress, yes.

Of course you can leave a dress, but not a haircut.

It's like panties.

No money back on used panties.

Do you know that I'm a journalist for The Jewish Enquirer?

-Are you? -Yes, it's me.

Here you have a story.

No money back on used panties.

You know what, we'll call them.

-John Lewis? -Yes.

Sure, call them.

Connect me to customer service, please.

-Put them on speakers. -Yes.

-What can I help you with? -I have a question.

I bought underwear for a lady, can they be changed?

Money back, not exchange.

Sorry, get your money back.

No problem. Just bring the receipt.

Wait. She's been wearing them.

Underwear must be unused.

So no money back on used panties.

No.

-Bikinis then? -Yes.

How is that logical?

Both have been used unhygienically and ...

It does not matter, please.

- Did you want to recycle hair? -Yes.

The top.

Okay, time to drive you home.

-Money back? -No.

-Should I talk to him? -I give her a ten and it's over.

Okay.

Ground?

Do you know any benefactor who is not looking for sex?

Stephen Fry?

Other?

Gandhi.

Yes, Gandhi! Gandhi is good.

Okay.

What is it? I help Jews.

Gandhi!

He is dead.

There were two so smoke your theory.

Yes, Gandhi, well done, Mark.

Who else?

Fast, scroll down the box!

-What? -Rutan, fast!

Scroll down the box.

Small penis!

Small penis!

-Shit you down! -Small penis!

-Shit you down! -Yes, small penis!

Fan ta dig!

Okay, here it is.

-Give me two minutes. -Okay.

How is it going?

She's going to introduce me to her granddaughter.

30 something, podiatrist, own apartment.

The top. Do you want this? It's recycled.

-Looks like hair. -It's hair, from the hairdresser.

Do not donate human hair to a Jewish collection!

Damn it too!

What do you have over there?

Here with the socks!

-I donate socks. -What is it?

-Nothing, Miriam, it's useless. -I said we do not deny anything.

-It's ... -It's very easy.

It's not for you.

-It's for me! -It's not!

-It is! -No!

God!

What is it?

Hair?

Human hair?

Where did you get it?

From the hairdresser at the station. Simon said you receive everything.

There are limits.

-It smells burnt. -It's my ears. Sorry.

Can we go now?

Are you experimenting on humans?

I'm not a fucking experiment!

Simon! Call CST!

What is CST?

It is a non-profit Jewish organization

which protects Jewish schools and events.

So you have an army with David Baddiels protecting you?

You have to feel safe.

Some of them are former Mossad.

Not as Baddiel but more as circumcised Jackie Chans.

Why do we stay?

The battery is dead.

God damnit...

From your point of view, that bell is actually too high.

It's shitty.

Can I help you?

I'm a journalist from The Jewish Enquirer.

What?

Coming on Fridays?

Available online?

-Never heard of it. -Really? Surprising.

I'm not a Jew, so ...

Va?

You have the most Jewish hair I've ever seen.

Because it's curly?

You know, curly, a great Jewish afro.

-You must have some Jewish credentials. -I have not.

-If you say so. -I actually do not have it.

Do a little genealogy and you'll find a great-grandmother in Poland.

His electric car's battery, however, may we charge it?

What are you doing?

What?

Do you make the quenelle gesture?

What?

The reverse Nazi salute.

I brush away hair.

It's a Nazi salute.

Football player Anelka did it. He was suspended.

I get excited about Nazi greetings by non-Jews.

I just brush hair away from my arm.

This is a Nazi salute! This is brushing off hair.

-Yes, it's a Nazi salute. -Exact.

But this is the reverse Nazi ...

- I've never seen that ... -It's the other way around ...

-This is Nazi ... -Nazi.

I've never heard that.

This is Nazi. You can clearly see the difference.

-This is also ... -This is Nazi. This...

There he is! Anti-Semitic!

Can we charge the car for a few minutes?

Do you want a cup of tea?

-Certainly! -Yes, thank you.

He should not have, he is climate-friendly today.

She'll still be cooking.

Yes, but your cup means more water and more electricity.

-Then I take something cold! -Not from the fridge.

What a good cup of tea.

You know what, this is perhaps the best cup of tea in my whole life.

-How is the water? -Ljummet.

My husband is completely crazy about cars and he does not believe in any of it.

He's North London's Jeremy Clarkson.

Can I borrow the toilet? I'm really needed.

Yes, through the door, to the left.

Okay thanks.

-How is that there? -Try.

Let me.

Do you know what you usually say?

What?

"Once you go small, you never go back."

-I heard that. -I think so for sure.

-What the hell are you doing here? -What?

He called me "small penis".

It was just a little joke. Tiny.

-It's you who's a little joke. -Phil!

-What kind of cable is that? -Their battery died.

They can forget to charge from my house.

Thanks.

Hi.

Damn you too!

Phil, let him be.

We give them free fuel because they are too lazy to refuel.

Be the bigger man.

-No offense. -It's calm.

Half an hour, nothing more.

I'll hit a seven with my huge penis!

Many give him shit for the car and it makes him angry.

Would not have bought it.

He's right. If you drive around in such a car, you almost pray

about penis abortions.

Yes, we have a problem with the drain. It will be fixed tomorrow.

-Paul was your name, huh? -Yes.

We did not hear anything when you went to the bathroom.

-Really? -Not a sound.

Strange.

Did not you pee?

I went in but was no longer needed.

You said you really needed it.

How far do you take this climate talk then?

Oh my God.

You save water.

You did not flush.

You went to the bathroom and did not flush?

Now you're ridiculous.

-No, I would have noticed. -He would have noticed!

Oh really...

Okay, we have to go now.

He peed in the sink!

-I can not close the door! -Try!

-I try to! -Try more!

God damnit!

Do you know how much water I saved? Five liters!

You peed in someone's sink!

It's sterile. As a human Dettol.

Close the bastard!

-Keep trying. -I do!

Make an effort!

-I have short arms! -Do not use it as an excuse!

-Come on, you bastard! -Fucking lamps!

Come on!

-There you go. -Fan!

He follows us.

-Va? -He pursues us!

Okay, let me go.

-God. -I'm going!

Okay then!

-Good to have known you, buddy. -You.

-Let me help you! -What are you doing?

I'm driving you home. You should wash the sink.

-It was not me! It was he! -It was not him!

But I can not lift you.

He must be held accountable for his friend.

It was me!

-It was he! -It was me.

Sorry.

Wait, I do not have my bags!

I'm shitting in your bags!

I'll have my bags!

It is her.

Someone has reported a hate crime.

It's completely disgusting.

It's Sunday! Let me go!

-Who is it? -It's my husband.

I can not reach the sink!

-God, what ... -With the experiment!

What the hell are you doing?

There's the other one! They were on both!

With what?

-You know! -Do I?

Show me what they did, Miriam.

Come on, is this a hate crime?

Not if I do. I'm Jewish so I get.

I'm in it.

Maybe I am.

Let me go!

First you have to wash the sink, small penis!

That's dwarf phobia!

Are you going to sue me?

Save the world, you petrol-hating, left-wing extremist fool!

Climate hater and homophobic!

Can you be a left-wing extremist?

-I do not know. -It doesn't matter now.

You get him back.

Here's the money for the hairdresser and I bought a new car seat.

-Why? -You do not want to know.

No why?

The dwarf happened down it.

Why?

Fear, excitement, who knows?

Joshie loved that car seat!

It's in the recycling bin if he wants it, but ...

You can not recycle a car seat, it is made of metal!

You know what? I do not care anymore.

Do you want to flush? Flush on, swim six times!

Run two spoons in the dishwasher, print all emails since 2004!

I shit in which.

-Can I just get some ... -No.

Va?

Please!

JOHN LEWIS GIVES USING UNDERWEAR TO JEWISH RELIEF

DANIEL CRAIG AND SEAN CONNERY DO NOT JEW

ROGER MOORE, NOT JEWISH JEWISH ACTORS RATE AS 007

Who could guess?

URIN PROVEN DRINKABLE

HAMAS WANTS TO RECEIVE THE NOBEL PEACE AWARD

IMPECCABLE - REPORTAGE

"Impeccable."

Fucking car.

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