All language subtitles for Hapless s01e02 The Juicer

This is ridiculous.

Who wants to read about kiwi from supermarkets?

Jews, apparently.

Okay, this is the first one.

It's okay.

Rate up to ten, Dad.

Seven.

Here is the other.

Also a seven.

-No.
-No?

One must get higher grades
than the other.

Seven and a half.

In other words...

Okay, give it to me from Aldi.

Okay.

Delicious! Ten!

The one from Waitrose.

Ugh, no. One.

So in an independent blind test

the cheap ones get better
grades than the expensive ones.

It's a story.

For The Jewish Enquirer perhaps.

What are you talking about?
The Mail does that all the time.

-Write for them, then.
-Thanks for it.

I need to talk with you.
What is Dad?

-In the kitchen.
-Okay.

I've met a healer, Karin.

-Are you okay?
-For my nerves.

She's good.

-She mixes special juices.
-Like what?

I do not know. They are personal.

-Apple, orange?
-They are tailor-made.

Lime with eggplant,
clementine with potatoes?

It's a secret.

Like KFC for juices, right?
What does it cost?

A fortune.

My money, my nerves, my life.

She said her grandfather told her

that daddy
is not allowed to go on the cruise.

-So grandpa? Grandfather?
-Yes.

Grandfather who died in 2005
and is buried in Bushley?

Yeah I know, okay.

Karin talks to the deceased.

Really?

She said it was dangerous to go.

She explicitly said that
Grandpa said it was dangerous.

- Was it Karen?
-Karin.

Charges Karin
to talk to grandfather

or is it included in the price?

You're so cynical.

-How much?
-It doesn't matter.

How much?

It's not about money.

Dad's life is at stake.

-You are crazy.
-Then I guess I am.

How do we stop him?

Say his daughter needs tailor-made psychotherapy.

So you're going to let me say that?

Naomi is here!

-Yes, good luck.
-What kind.

Thanks so much.

-Hello!
-Hey, how are you?

-Good, you?
-Lightly worn.

-I look forward to sunbathing.
-You love the sun, right?

- You know I do.
-Remind Naomi ...

I do not need to be reminded, thank you.

She knows, everyone knows. That's
the only thing that keeps me going.

The oppressive heat, the noise of the waves.

The sound of the waves.

It is a healing balm for the soul.

A healing balm, wow.

And the sea air is good for the brain.

For the brain. Maybe you should both go.

-But if something happens to your dad, then?
-Like what?

Like an umbrella wears itself out
and points him straight through the heart.

Come on.

Or the cruise ship
was blown up by jihadists.

- Would be your fault.
-No.

It's the jihadists' fault.

In the past, people used to
burn people for this kind of thing.

-Have you not chosen a racket yet?
-I'm checking the voltage.

So you are not coming
to the party on Saturday?

I'm not going to rent a suit
and look like a four year old

to get a glass and some chips.

It is my birthday.
Many single women.

Yes, but the same single women
who have come in the last ten years.

-You met Penny there.
-No sales argument.

Well, you met your ex-wife at one of my parties.

You thought she was pretty.

The cheesecakes were pointed.

Wonder Woman is coming.

Is Gal Gadot coming to East Finchley?

No. Mandy Stemmings
but she has the suit.

She's not a Gal Gadot.

She is the head of Google
and a single mother with four children.

Another type of Wonder Woman.
Come on.

Come then.

Can I help you?

-Paul from The Jewish Enquirer.
-Shalom.

Thank you for coming.

-Sugar?
-Yes, thank you.

You must think it's strange
that I invited you here.

You probably explain.

The church is going to have
a fundraiser for charity next month.

Yes.

Yes.

It is noteworthy that when the synagogue
has a fundraiser

then they get in a large sum.

Yes.

So I thought,
for the spirit of community,

would be fun to invite,

how should i say this ...

Judar.

So not really in a community spirit
then?

No.

-And you want PR in the newspaper.
-And preferably on the website.

- Do you have any cookies?
-Visst.

Of course we will promote
the church's autumn party.

September 22nd.

Digestive?

- Do you have bourbons?
-Bourbons.

Here.

Thanks.

Bourbon.

Do we agree?

Anything I can do for you?

Yes, I'm going to a party on Saturday.

Nice of you to ask,
but I like women.

Very much, in fact.

It's a masquerade party.
I wanted to borrow your suit.

You mean, like, my clothes?

Ask the imam in the mosque down the street.

-I can not go as an imam.
-But the priest works?

Dawn French has been doing this for years.

Yes, theoretically
I should be able to go as an imam

but now we stand here.

And you want publicity
for the collection,

and I want to continue living.

Can I come along?

-Va?
-I'm free on Saturday.

There will be alcohol.

Crikey.
No good-looking women, I hope?

-Okay, I'm listening.
-You know I're meeting a healer.

Now I do.

She said
that you are not allowed to go on the cruise.

Give her thanks from me.

Dad, you do not understand.
Paul, help me.

Grandfather's spirit appeared
to Naomi's healing juicers

and said that something dangerous could happen.

God damnit. Seriously?

Thanks.

Has something she predicted happened?

-Yes. She predicted Brexit.
-Exact figures?

Probably exact numbers, I think.

And Universitetsrodden three years in a row.

It stands between two teams.

Three years in a row!

Why did Daddy show up for her and not me?

Va?

If Dad looked out of the wall
and said "Do not go, Ron"

maybe I should take it seriously.

I would take it very seriously, but ...

If it was one in a million
that she was right, would you take it?

No.

-One in a thousand?
-No.

-One in a hundred?
-No.

-Ten?
-No.

-Five, four, three, two ...
-No.

-One?
-No.

Okay, but do not blame me
if you die or get sick

or begins to cough.

I warned you.

-Cough?
-Horror cough.

It's your choice.

I'm packing some cough medicine.

Does the pastor want to dance?

I'm not good at dancing.

Do you only do things you are good at?

-Do you do things you are not good at?
-All the time.

Why?

You can apparently move the limbs to
rhythm and music. I can not.

Not exactly a skill.

It makes one happy.

No, it makes you happy.
Do you know what makes me happy?

Grilled chicken, with a little sauce.

Fried potatoes, some sprouts.
Jajamän, I'm done.

I have a chicken at home.

Grilled?

It's raw, but we can cook it.

Now?

Yes.

Yes.

I'm going to the bathroom, but yes.

... in the bright sky

Looked down where he lay

There's the little Lord Jesus

Asleep in the hay

The cattle are lowing

The baby awakes!

The little Lord Jesus

No crying he makes

-You are welcome.
-Why did you do that?

-What?
-Nymned on a Christmas song on the toilet.

I do not know. Had it on my brain.

What if I hummed on Schindler's list?

Alright.

That one from the Day of Atonement then,
Kol ...

Kol Nidre?

And if I sat and shit
and sang at Kol Nidre?

You are comparing one of
Judaism's most sacred prayers

with "Away in a manger"?
I would say you're anti-Semitic.

Then I want back my uniform.

-Now?
-Yes.

This will affect what I write
about your fundraising party.

Then so, then it's a party accompli.

Funny, for a Jew hater.

-Hello.
-Hello.

-Condoms.
-Which variety?

God, that was a while ago.

-Ribbed, with dots?
-Good choice.

What is it, is it apple?

We have a package with five flavors.

Strawberry, apple,

orange, mango ...

-And one more.
-Okay.

But why do they have to taste something
if I'm inside her?

-It's for oral sex.
-Sure, yes.

Why do I need a condom
if we have oral sex?

If she's picky, a little apple juice down there.

-Right.
-Three three.

Okay.

-She's a little young, isn't she?
-Over 16.

Not funny.

She's over thirty.

-You give us a bad reputation.
-Oss?

No, I'm not a Muslim.

Are you not a Muslim?
She's not a schoolgirl?

-I may not work here.
-We have been to a masquerade party.

-Dressing as an imam is a joke?
-I dressed as a priest.

I had to take this on.

I'll call the police.
Nothing should be grumbled here.

No, I'll show you.

-Okay.
-Hermione, com.

She's dressed as a schoolgirl ...

-Let me ask.
-Okay.

Are you over 16?

What are you, type 36, 37?

I'm 29
and got to show my ID last week.

29.

-Thanks.
-Allahu akbar.

Very funny. Out.

-Allahu akbar.
-Hi then.

I knew I was going to find someone tonight.

Female intuition.

You could say that.

Feels a little weird, dressed like this.

Take them off then.

Maybe I do.

Oops, it was stuffed.

Juice mixes.

I get them made
according to my different moods.

-What's in them?
-The recipe is secret.

Juicer Karin?

Do you know her?

She is wonderful!

She predicted that I would meet you tonight.

-You are joking.
-No.

She said she saw my dead grandfather.

Then she has it.

-She is a quack.
-Definitely not.

You're standing here.

What exactly did she say?

She said I would meet
a man wearing a white collar.

Come here now.

No I can not.

Why not?

Because if something happens between us

so it will be because Karin said
that it would happen,

which means she controls our lives.

If she says we're going to break up, we'll do it.

If she says I'm neurotic, you'll believe her,

and that means Daddy can
not go on his fucking cruise.

It disturbs my whole philosophy of life,

that ghosts tell the future
for fortune tellers who charge.

Okay, so what do you want to do?

You have condoms in your pocket
and the chance to use one.

Maybe two.

Let me think a little.

When we met, yes, I was dressed as a priest.

Then the priest takes back the clothes

and when I went
I was dressed like an imam,

so maybe he's the right one.

Priests?

Why not?

He is nice,
has a good job, likes women

a little anti-Semitic
but who is not?

-Have his number here somewhere.
-You're damn crazy.

You reject me
because someone predicted it?

You're crazy because you believe in it.

Get out.

Did she say anything about chicken?

Because that smells wonderful.

Out!

I met a girl yesterday.
Who knows Karen.

-Karin.
-Skit same.

The little doomsday prophet
and the juicer,

and I disproved her.

Where are you talking about?

Karin said that me and the girl
would have it together, but not.

Of course not.

I'm going to expose her.

Why?

Because she deceives the gullible.
It's a story.

You draw hasty conclusions.

I do not want Dad to go.

- Have you not missed the cruise?
-Daddy-will-die-cruise.

She's blowing you, let him go.

I'll fix it so you can meet Karin, okay?

But I'll decide if he goes.

That's our deal, okay?

Okay, taken.
But you have to taste pineapple.

-No.
-Come again.

Two pineapples, one from M&S, one from Aldi.

Yes, expensive is always better than cheap.

-Try. Cheap is the worst.

Afraid you'll be wrong?

Good?

And...

This?

This.

- Do not help him.
-Va?

You said "this one". It's cheating.

-I do not do that at all.
-Jo.

God, it's like playing Monopoly with you again.

You always landed on Mayfair and Park Lane.

Yes, I did, damn it.

-Every time we played?
-Yes.

You always have to win, right?

I just think I'm lucky.
Very lucky.

Yes?

Do you give the imam his clothes?

-Certainly.
-Did you have fun at the party?

It was great fun.

Write about the collection.

No, forget it.

Hurry up, bumblebee.

-Hermione?
-Matilda.

Hello.

You were right, he is the right one.

Good job, Karin.

Come on, the condom must be used.

Do you use my condoms?

You gave them to me.

Do you have one on you now?

Type.

-Juice?
-Okay.

It's Tropicana.

No, Karin has done it all herself.

-I promise it's Tropicana.
-It's not.

I did a taste test last week
between Tesco and Tropicana,

so my taste buds are very sharp.

That's 100% Tropicana.

-The lying satmaran. Am I still the right person?

Calm down.

I'll meet her this afternoon.
Do you want to come along?

-One minute only.
-She may not be lying.

You do not need the condom anymore so ...

Not exactly a pound of meat.

-Throw it.
-Do it yourself.

-It's been sitting on your penis.
-Pathetic.

Come on, let's drive.

God, is this it?

The thought never struck you
that she does it for the money?

This does not mean that she is a fraud.

He judges in advance.

The phone is recording, come on.

Hey, come in.

I understand that you are a medium,
or rather a small one.

-You must be Paul.
-Nice.

This is my dad.

It would be awful if you did though.
You who look so healthy.

-Thanks.
-Hey.

-Hello.
-How are you?

How can I help you?

Dad is very worried
about one of your predictions.

Would you prefer that I did not say anything?

Imagine I said I saw a sign in the sky

who said
that you would die a horrible death,

type next time
you visited an Italian restaurant.

Do you have experience reading the clouds?

-I say so.
-But do you have it?

Have you?

Has anyone here just had sex?

Do you see? How do you know that?

Everyone smells the priest
on Matilda.

-Karin.
-Yes?

I love the sun. It reaches my soul.

If I cancel the cruise ...

He says it's okay for you to go on the cruise.

-Hurray!
-Va?

Grandpa said he was joking.

-He can not just change.
-I did not.

He said he was joking.

If you're there grandpa, what part
did I read during my Bar Mitzvah?

He's not up there. He's
in the armchair over there.

Last Saturday you said I would
meet a man in a white collar.

I met two.
The priest and this guy.

-Which it is?
-The other, of course.

How do you want to pay for the group call?

I find the door myself.

Group talk?

We're more than two, so it's a group talk.

Tropicana, anyone?

-What?
-Someone just died in a car accident.

-What?
-India.

I want my 260 pounds back.

260 pounds?
How much juice have you drunk?

She takes 20 pounds per person.

It's not my fault
that your family is gullible.

You fucking cheater!

And I'm going to reveal you.

What, in the Jewish Enquirer?

Starting with,

sen The Mail,
The Express, Victoria Derbyshire.

Everything is recorded.

Why do you have a used condom in your pocket?

It is not fully used, only caged.

I had nowhere to put it.

I just do not want people to use my property.

It's not a townhouse,

it is a condom
which has not been fully used.

Okay, I will.

Your grandfather says I'll give you a full refund

if everyone thanks him.

Thank you, Grandpa.

Thanks Dad.

Thanks so much.

-I can not.
-Paul.

Thank you, Grandpa,

though choose someone cheaper next time,

from the south of Watford.

It's like both have
different types of mango in the boxes.

There was more than one country of origin.

They may have one sweet
and one less sweet in each box.

Give it to me from Lidl.

The new number is live.

Are you on the front page?

"Cloudy in Tel Aviv,
exclusive report."

"The Church's fundraiser only
receives £ 30, excluding reports."

"Twin Brothers Shares Bar
Mitzvah, Exclusive Reportage."

Saves a lot of money.

"Tony Blair calls for understanding

from both sides of the Middle East,
exclusive reportage. "

"Jewish Film Festival opens with
film about Jews, exclusive reportage."

-Do you want to try it from Lild again?
-Yes.

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