Original subtitles

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

This just in: Wanted fugitive, Bobby "The Shirt" Briggs,

notorious for always wearing shirts while committing

his crimes, has finally been caught

after 15 years on the lam.

A police spokesperson was quoted as saying,

"Duh, I'm a dumb cop.

I like to give Tom Tucker a ticket."

I was going, like, 41.

Oh, my God, I don't believe it.

They finally got that son of a bitch, Briggs.

You know that guy?

You're damn right, I do.

Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair.

(crying): They got him.

They finally got him.

Geez, Joe, you okay?

(crying)

Here, use my handkerchief.

It's wet and cold.

Well, yeah, it's my handkerchief.

I've been blowing my nose in it all day.

Wait a minute, Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you?

You always told us you fell off a roof

during a fight with the Grinch.

(sighs) I lied.

I lied because I was ashamed of the real story:

that I let a vicious criminal get away.

What happened?

Well, it was 1996.

Briggs was one of the biggest heroin dealers

east of Providence, which is mostly just open water,

but still, I'd been undercover, tracking his operation

for six months and had finally gained his confidence.

I had almost gathered enough evidence

to put Briggs away for good,

but I knew a taped confession

would make the case a slam dunk.

This is gonna take us to the next level.

We're gonna be banging so many hot chicks

with jeans up to their navels.

Bobby Briggs, you're really good at heroin.

How much heroin is here, Bobby Briggs?

Why are you talking like that?

Are you wearing a wire?

Oh, you're dead, Joe Swansonson.

My undercover name was Swansonson.

Easy, Briggs.

You kill a cop, they'll put you away forever.

Then get ready to spend the rest of your life

as a lame gimp with an annoying-voiced wife.

He'd met Bonnie.

(screaming in pain)

Briggs got away,

and I've been in this wheelchair ever since.

I like that you can tell me a story

starting at the Clam and ending on a Ferris wheel.

Yeah, people are starving in Africa,

and I'm at a carnival

with my best buddies on a beautiful night.

Blessings. Blessings.

So, Joe, it must feel great to finally

have some closure with Bobby Briggs.

Yeah.

You know last night was the first time in 15 years

I didn't strangle Bonnie in my sleep?

Okay.

Hey, Dad, you're gonna want to see this.

Again recapping our breaking news,

longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody.

His whereabouts are currently unknown.

News of Briggs's escape first broke on Telemundo,

if you can believe that.

Escapo! Escapo! Escapo!

Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house,

an event that will most likely be canceled in the future.

No, no! I can't believe it.

Oh, don't worry, Joe, they'll get him back.

No, they won't!

It took 15 years to catch him.

Well, this seems like a good time to be heading out.

I should be getting back anyway.

I left Rupert with a sitter.

Well, you know where everything is.

Feel free to help yourself to anything in the fridge.

And Mr. Con Man here can have pudding or ice cream, not both.

Chief, can I have a word?

Yeah, but first, you have to agree

there's a huge difference

between bisexual men and homosexual men.

Sure, Chief. Thank you. Huge.

What is it?

Well, Chief, I'm here because I want you

to put me on the Briggs case.

Absolutely not.

Come on, Chief!

I know everything about Briggs.

I'm the only one who can catch him.

No, Swanson, you're too close to the case.

I'm putting Officers Grant and Casey on it

because they're so far from the case,

they don't care about it at all.

Hi, Chief. Hi.

This isn't fair!

Swanson, you know your assignment.

You get me the guy who's been rubbing his butt

all over Dunkin' Donuts.

Can I help you?

Not illegal. Not illegal.

Show me the law. Not illegal.

Hey, Joe, look, I know you're down

about this Briggs thing, and that kind of bums me out,

so I got you this Cookie Puss.

(laughs) Isn't that funny?

Look at that weird nose.

I think your nose is weird.

Guys, I'm telling you, I...

I just don't think I could live with Briggs

on the lam for another 15 years.

Well, why don't you do something about it?

I can't do anything about it. The chief won't let me.

Joe, if they don't find this guy,

it's gonna eat you alive for the rest of your life.

You got to take matters into your own hands.

You got to go after this guy.

But that's a breach of police protocol.

This isn't about you as a cop.

This is about you as a man.

Come on, what do you say?

Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to justice.

(chuckles) Peter, what did I say

about you volunteering me for (bleep)?

All right, let's do it!

MAYOR WEST: Well, if you're gonna do it,

you're gonna need someone who's very good at disguise.

Who said that?

I'd love to go with you, but I can't.

I'm supposed to be the gift table

at a Bar Mitzvah tomorrow.

All right, if we're gonna go after Briggs,

this might be a good place to start.

I've spent the last 15 years

gathering information on him,

and it's all here.

Every crime he's committed, every associate he's...

Oh, look, Briggs was All-County JV swimming.

Well, I don't just focus on the negative.

Joe, your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share

a room just so you can keep a weirdo Beautiful Mind room?

Isn't that a little bizarre?

And then we dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family's skulls

so they couldn't be traced back to us.

MAN'S VOICE: Today, I saw a balloon.

Briggs' FBI profile says the only relationship

he's maintained over the years is with a stripper named Tanya.

Tax records show she currently works

at a club in Atlantic City.

So that's our first stop.

Is there touching at the club?

I-I-I don't know, Peter. Maybe.

Okay, this is good, this is good.

I'll be sure to pack my blamming jeans.

Hey, listen, thanks for agreeing

to take care of Principessa while we're gone, Lois.

It's our pleasure.

She looks like a nice kitty.

Uh, kitty?

Lois, she is a purebred Persian.

I can trace her lineage to the cats kept by Cleopatra.

Just tell me what I need to do, Glenn.

Well, first, she has a very active bowel.

You can't be too generous with the baby wipes.

Stroke front to back like you would on yourself.

Otherwise, you're smashing feces into her genitals.

Also, she's very skittish,

so you have to touch her like this.

I'm going to touch you now.

Is that okay?

See how I'm going?

Slowly, slowly.

Oh, the mysteries you keep inside of you.

PETER: Quagmire, come on, let's go.

(car engine starts)

All right, I guess we're off.

Hey, you guys, check out the look

on Lois's face when I do this.

(tires screech)

Peter!

Clean that up, you idiot!

Love you.

Boy, it'll be satisfying to finally slap the cuffs

on Briggs once and for all.

Hey, you ever just drive through a town and wonder,

"Who the hell lives here?" All the time.

Look at this place. I mean, what-what's going on?

There's an adult with a lemonade stand.

That Chinese restaurant still has the sign

from when it was a mechanic.

I don't want to eat lo mein

where they were just changing mufflers.

There's an apartment above that Arby's.

With toys in the window.

Someone has built a life up there.

What a mess.

I'm telling you, the Founding Fathers would be

very disappointed in where their country ended up.

Eh, it wasn't so perfect back then, either.

And so I say unto you,

sons of liberty, no longer will free men

live under the yoke of giant predatory birds.

Shrieking, swooping down, stealing our livestock.

What's going on in here?

N-Nothing, uh, just bellyaching about the British.

Get back to warming those eggs.

(muffled music playing)

(brakes screech)

All right, this is the place.

We got to see if we can find Briggs's girl.

Hey, we're looking for a stripper named Tanya.

She here tonight?

Yeah, she's working the Champagne Room.

Follow me.

Hey, Quagmire, you, uh...

you ever been to Atlantic City before?

Once, about 20 years ago. Why?

All right! All right!

All right! All right!

Hey, are you Tanya?

Yeah. Who are you?

A guy who's looking for Bobby Briggs.

Where is he?

I don't know any Bobby Briggs.

And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

You're lying!

Joe, let me handle this.

I know how to communicate with strippers.

All I need is one dance,

and I'll know everything she knows.

You free for a dance?

Sure.

I need information.

I was molested by my dad.

I know that. I need other information.

I want you to tell me where I can find Bobby Briggs.

Come on, you know I can't give out

a client's personal information.

All right, I'm gonna have to do the Vulcan V-Meld.

He lives at 2820 Ocean Boulevard,

across from the park, apartment two.

Atta girl.

Okay, now spit in your own mouth.

This is a cool place.

Boy, it sure is nice having Mr. Quagmire's cat around.

I got to say, cats are so much better than dogs.

Well, that's kind of a broad statement. It's true.

Okay, show me one way in which cats are better than dogs.

Well, okay, uh, for one thing,

they always land on their feet.

Watch.

So? Big deal. Dogs do that, too.

Here, go ahead, do what you just did, but with me.

Ow! Oh, my God!

Oh, my neck! Ow!

Oh, my God, Brian!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! Call somebody! Oh!

We need one of those boards

they use for football players! Ow!

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing.

I just figured out why cats are better than babies.

Well, that's kind of a broad statement.

Okay, 2820 Ocean, this is it.

All right, apartment number two.

We'll just pick the lock.

What? What is that?

Let's use our eyes to see.

Aw, this guy has sugar cereals.

His mom must be so cool.

And he's got a trash compactor.

(machine clattering)

It compacted it all.

That is so boss.

Aha! We meet again, Briggs.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?

Joe Swanson.

Who?

Wait, you... you don't remember me?

I infiltrated your heroin operation.

We saw Reality Bites together.

(Joe groans)

You guys, I found him!

He went that way!

(grunts)

(cell phone ringing)

Damn it. That's Lois.

If I don't get this, she's going to kill me.

(grunting)

Hi, sweetie.

Yeah, everything's great.

Of course, I miss you.

Well, how does the supermarket run out of parsley?

I'm as angry as you are.

Peter, I'm going to fall!

It looks like you're out of roof.

Damn it. There's no way across.

Spidey, can you swing us across with your web?

No, I can't swing you across.

And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey.

I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey.

Yeah, close friends.

What's your name? Peter.

Hey, Petey, do stuff for me.

Oh, I don't like that. Yeah, you don't like it.

And you're a fat nobody, and I'm (bleep) Spider-Man,

so how do you think I feel?

He's getting away. Guys, drop me over the side!

Are you crazy, Joe?!

That fall will kill you.

Not if I land on my legs.

(grunting)

PETER: Heads up.

(panting)

I got you now, Briggs.

CROWD: Move that bus!

(cheering)

(gasps)

Enjoy your new home.

He's gone, you guys!

I had him!

That was our one chance!

It's all right, Joe.

You got nothing to be ashamed of.

You're a great cop

with a very distinguished career.

You caught that guy who was killing

all those Filipino girls.

Yeah, but this was important!

This was the guy who ruined my life.

The one perp who meant everything to me.

If I caught this guy,

I'd finally be able to sleep at night.

Damn it!

(siren whoops)

Oh, thank God. Cops.

Oh, good.

You guys can still catch Briggs.

He's headed that way.

We're not here for him.

We're here for you guys.

You're under arrest for interfering

with a police investigation.

What?

Yeah, what the hell?

You should be out there arresting the real criminals.

Like switchblade-wielding white guys

from movies and TV who don't talk like people talk.

Easy, mama.

Hand over that purse, and everything

will be real cool, you dig?

Guys, you got to let us out of here.

Yeah, the bastard's making a break for it,

just like South America.

Hmm.

Lot of black guys over there.

Hey, man, where you going?

I'll be back. I'm coming back.

I'll be right back.

Why would the cops arrest us

instead of going after Briggs?

Flannigan? Wait a minute.

That's one of the corrupt cops who helped harbor Briggs

while he was on the lam for 15 years.

These guys are bad news.

Oh, my God.

What are they going to do to us?

We're not going to stick around to find out.

Joe, hold your handcuffs over my lap.

(zip)

What the hell is that?

Swiss Army penis.

(sawing)

Wow, Quagmire. That's incredible.

Peter?

(sawing)

Yours are made of a stronger metal.

We're going to have to go with the acetylene torch penis.

Don't... don't look right at it.

My STDs help it burn brighter.

The keys are in the ignition. Let's go!

I told you to search that guy's penis.

You say that about everybody.

Yeah, we did it! But we lost Briggs.

How are we going to find him now?

We got nothing.

Well, I don't know if it helps, but I found

this number next to the phone in his kitchen.

I was saving it 'cause I was going to make

a scrapbook of the trip for you guys.

Let me see that.

This is the area code for Juarez, Mexico.

He's trying to get over the border!

You think so? Definitely.

There's only one road into Juarez,

and it goes through El Paso.

We got to get to El Paso.

Joe, how do you know

the area code for Juarez, Mexico?

There was a stem cell doctor I went down there to see.

He just rubbed, like, salsa on my legs.

Hey, you're not in uniform.

Are you guys cops?

Are you guys cops?

They know we're not cops!

(tires squealing)

All right, guys, the next flight

to El Paso leaves in 40 minutes.

But Briggs is ahead of us.

Won't he already be there?

No, he'd never risk going through an airport.

Too many cops, too many cameras,

too much security.

I don't know, Joe.

Sometimes the security's pretty lax.

I mean, the last plane I was on got gay-jacked.

This plane's going to Miami!

(passengers gasp)

(electronic dance music playing)

Hey, Lois?

Shh. Quiet, Brian.

Mom's taking a nap on the couch.

Yeah. And look, she fell asleep

with the cat right on her chest.

Isn't that cute?

(purring)

Meow.

Purr. Purr.

I think you're dreaming.

No, I'm not.

BRIAN: Stupid cat!

God, it's so damn hot.

Hey, I got an idea.

Let's make scalding asphalt angels.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

(sizzling)

Second-degree burns; first-degree fun.

Geez, how long we got to stand out here like this?

Till Briggs comes through.

You know, I was thinking about that, Joe.

If Briggs is driving here, that's like 2,000 miles.

It's going to be at least a couple of days.

Huh. I guess you're right.

Well, what are we going to do for two days in El Paso?

There's a Chicano heritage festival.

No way.

KC and the Sunshine Band is playing.

Why?

Or we could visit the Pershing House

where John Pershing took control

of the Eighth Army Brigade in 1914.

So, that's his bed? Yes.

So, that's his desk? Yes.

So, that's his lamp? Yes.

So, that's his dresser? Yes.

So, that's his window? Yes.

So, that's his floor? Yes.

Wow.

What do you got there, Quagmire?

Is that Briggs?

No, this guy's clean.

Well, send him through. What's the holdup?

Sombreros! Maracas!

Ceramic Winnie the Pooh dolls!

Get 'em now, folks!

You're not going to find this stuff in Mexico!

Come on. What's going on up there?

Briggs.

Damn it! He's getting away!

(grunts)

You're not going to get away this time, you son of a bitch.

Please, don't kill me.

I'm not married.

My life is awesome.

I've waited 15 years for this moment, Briggs.

Do you have any idea what it's like

to have to lift yourself into a wheelchair every morning?

To have your wife look at you like you're half a man?

To get preferential parking?

To board a plane early with the first-class people

and gold card members?

All right, it's not all bad.

But I'm not going to kill you.

I'm not an animal like you.

So, what are you going to do, arrest me?

No.

I don't arrest cripples.

(groaning)

By the way, you're under arrest.

I only said that last thing 'cause it seemed cool.

Oh, my God, that was so awesome.

I saw everything.

You were all like... (deep mumbling)

And Briggs was all like... (high-pitched mumbling)

And then you were all like... (mimics two gunshots)

And then Briggs's legs were like...

(mimics video game sound effects)

Oh, crap, he's dead.

I think he bled out.

I must have hit the femoral artery.

Ah, just kick him into Mexico.

Guys, I can't thank you enough for what you did.

You risked your lives for me,

and I couldn't have done it without you.

Hey, that's what pals are for.

Yeah, and thanks for letting me

fire a few rounds into Briggs's corpse.

That was the most powerful I've felt in a couple years.

Well, you guys helped me

finally have some closure in my life.

I feel like a new man-- like I'm reborn.

Joe, you have blood just pouring out of your pant leg.

Yeah, I had a ball blow in the river.