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1
00:00:01,035 --> 00:00:02,236
This is pretty macabre.
2
00:00:03,171 --> 00:00:04,172
(scoffs)
3
00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:06,374
(exclaims, screams)
4
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,975
What We Do in the Shadows,
5
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,744
all new Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.
6
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,350
FXX presents You're the Worst.
7
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,198
Soda water.
8
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:06,066
-Lime wedge?
-Nah.
9
00:01:06,100 --> 00:01:08,402
Who am I trying to fool?
10
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,070
Hey there.
11
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,407
Hi.
12
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,809
-Are you staying at the hotel?
-I am.
13
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,545
Yeah, me, too, you know.
14
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,980
I'm, uh, I'm Curtis.
15
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:21,715
Gretchen.
16
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:24,585
Wow. I don't think I've ever
actually met a Gretchen.
17
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:27,388
Well, Curtis, now you have.
18
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,357
Yes, I have.
(laughs)
19
00:01:31,692 --> 00:01:34,128
So, uh, are you...
are you here alone,
20
00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,430
or...?
21
00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:38,999
Yes, I... I am alone.
22
00:01:39,032 --> 00:01:41,135
(laughs)
Uh...
23
00:01:41,169 --> 00:01:45,173
I-I guess what I'm asking
in a larger sense is...
24
00:01:45,206 --> 00:01:46,940
single?
25
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:50,043
Are you, uh...
are you single?
26
00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:54,315
Single like a fox.
27
00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:58,586
Although, I did almost
get married once.
28
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:01,589
Oh. Almost.
29
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:05,393
Well, I mean, would you want to
tell me the story over a drink?
30
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:10,464
Aw, fuck it.
31
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,633
Whiskey, rocks.
32
00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:15,236
You live exactly once,
right, Curtis?
33
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:24,778
* I'm gonna leave you anyway *
34
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:27,815
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
35
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:30,418
* Gonna leave you anyway. *
36
00:02:42,863 --> 00:02:44,865
(crushing pills)
37
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,573
(snorting)
38
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:54,542
(sniffs hard)
39
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,177
(sighs)
40
00:02:57,211 --> 00:02:59,647
JIMMY: Okay, the final options
for Gretchen's
41
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,349
Walk Down the Aisle music.
42
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,984
"Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba,
"Juicy," Biggie,
43
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,519
"Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe.
44
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:08,656
As Shakespeare said, "Never
trust a big butt and a smile."
45
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,157
"Freak on a Leash" by Korn,
46
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:12,226
-"Marry Me" by Train.
-Oh, nix that one.
47
00:03:12,260 --> 00:03:14,595
I don't want to ruin my mascara
crying too hard.
48
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,264
"Sweet Child of Mine," GNR,
49
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:17,931
"Relax" by Frankie Goes
To Hollywood.
50
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:20,067
-You do know that's
about butt sex?
-I do.
51
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,569
Madonna, "Like A Virgin,"
52
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:24,338
"2 Become 1," Spice Girls.
Aw.
53
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:27,708
"Sabotage," Beastie Boys,
"Waterfalls," TLC.
54
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,943
Oh, too sad. AIDS.
Change it to "No Scrubs."
55
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:32,913
"Pop That Pussy"
by 2 Live Crew,
56
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,048
"Girls Just Want to Have Lunch"
by Weird Al,
57
00:03:35,082 --> 00:03:37,017
"Maneater" by Hall and Oates
58
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,352
and "Cherry Pie" by Warrant.
59
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,588
-Great list.
-Greatest list.
60
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:41,922
So, shall we winnow it down?
61
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,257
Oh, gonna have to winnow
lata, playa.
62
00:03:43,291 --> 00:03:45,526
I have to head into the office
63
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,696
before the shitstorm
du jour starts. Oh!
64
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,031
Aw, damn it!
65
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,801
Calgon, right?
66
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:55,436
Anyway, office drahms.
67
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:58,138
Debbie's inner-ear problem
is flaring up,
68
00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:59,707
so she's always weaving
when she walks.
69
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,643
And Mike's cat's butt is jacked
70
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,578
after she had
all those baby cats.
71
00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:06,380
Blah, blah, blah.
Work shit.
72
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:09,917
Yeah, yeah, mi-might I remind
you that your first wedding
73
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:12,953
is but five days away,
74
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:15,323
and we still need to choose
the font for the name cards
75
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:18,258
and pick a punny name
for our signature cocktail.
76
00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:20,127
And we're totally gonna do
all that bullshit,
77
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,930
but again, supes swamped
at wiz-erk.
78
00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:25,399
Yeah, no, that's actually fine,
'cause Edgar and I
79
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:28,802
have our notes "phoner"
with the studio today.
80
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:32,072
Because we finished the script.
Which I told you about already.
81
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:35,175
At which time
your reaction was similarly,
82
00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,610
dishearteningly muted.
83
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:39,079
Cool, bud. See ya.
84
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,014
Huh.
85
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:43,317
What?
86
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:44,785
Oh, nothing.
87
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:46,119
It just doesn't seem like
88
00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:48,789
-Gretchen's very excited
about the wedding.
-Edgar.
89
00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:51,959
As clearly evidenced
by not even having time
90
00:04:51,992 --> 00:04:54,928
to close the front door,
Gretchen is incredibly busy
91
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,598
with important work things.
92
00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:00,368
* Hey *
93
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:03,771
* We go to work, work, work,
work, work, work, work *
94
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:08,108
* We go to work, work,
work, work, work, work, work *
95
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,176
* We go to work *
96
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:14,448
* If you want it,
come and get it *
97
00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:17,685
* We'll break you off some,
we'll break you off some *
98
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:21,021
* Say yeah *
99
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,890
* We ain't come to play around *
100
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,458
* No, no, no *
101
00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,193
* We ain't come to play around *
102
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,562
* No, no, no *
103
00:05:28,596 --> 00:05:30,163
* If you can't take the heat *
104
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,999
* Then get out the kitchen *
105
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:35,202
* If you can't take the heat,
then get out, get out *
106
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:38,506
* Say yeah *
107
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,307
* Work, work, work,
come on *
108
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,410
* Work, work, work, yes *
109
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:44,111
* Yeah, yeah. *
110
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:51,919
(hold music playing)
111
00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:55,689
(music stops)
112
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,158
-Hi.
-Hey, everybody.
113
00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:00,828
Hey, guys. Sheila here.
114
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,730
Uh, hi, Sheila.
115
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:05,265
We just... Are we just waiting
for everyone else, or...?
116
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:07,234
SHEILA:
Uh, we just wanted to say
117
00:06:07,267 --> 00:06:10,270
you two did a great job.
118
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:13,373
Hey, Sheila, it's Edgar.
119
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:15,909
We're just a little confused.
120
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,511
Isn't this a notes call?
121
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:20,180
Yeah, it sounds like
our wires got crossed.
122
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:23,417
No, we're all set.
Again, amazing work.
123
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:25,886
So, then, th-the next step
would be...?
124
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,621
Absolutely.
Take care, guys.
125
00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,289
(line disconnects,
dial tone drones)
126
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,424
(disconnect chime)
127
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:37,465
No notes? Boom!
128
00:06:37,498 --> 00:06:38,899
I don't know, Jimmy.
129
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,301
No notes isn't really a thing,
remember?
130
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:43,203
I'm gonna call my agent.
131
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:46,039
Oh, no, Jimmy.
132
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:49,276
Check Deadline.
133
00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:51,612
Hi, Grace.
134
00:06:51,645 --> 00:06:55,616
The studio's hired Diablo Cody
135
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:58,118
to adapt my book?!
136
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,322
But we already wrote it.
137
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:03,924
KILLIAN: They probably just
kicked you a draft
138
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,893
to keep the relationship good
while you finish
139
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,327
the other two Peach books.
140
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:08,629
Sort of how Tom gets
"story by" credit
141
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:09,963
on all the Reachers.
142
00:07:09,997 --> 00:07:12,299
Oh, guess I haven't seen you
in a while, huh?
143
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:14,935
My dad sobered up
and found religion for us.
144
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,737
Now I get to wear
this cool sailor's costume,
145
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,672
and I live in a room
above a GameStop on Sunset
146
00:07:18,706 --> 00:07:19,673
with four other children.
147
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,642
I left word.
148
00:07:21,675 --> 00:07:23,243
Hey, you know what
I just caught on cable?
149
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:24,277
Jack Reacher.
150
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,979
It's really good.
151
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,447
You should tell people
it's good.
152
00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,249
Can I count on you to
tell people it's good, Jimmy?
153
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:33,754
Another great living novelist
felled by the studio system,
154
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,490
Like F. Scott Fitzgerald
or Chuck Palahniuk.
155
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:40,528
How utterly cliché.
156
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:44,331
Well, at least my better half
is still gainfully employed.
157
00:07:49,202 --> 00:07:50,838
(gasps)
158
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,906
You got the shit?
159
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,213
Why can't I meet you
somewhere normal?
160
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,682
Hit me with the hot work goss.
161
00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:05,686
It turns out, Mike's cat
actually has hemorrhoids.
162
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,688
Debbie took a header
coming out of the bathroom.
163
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,022
(both laugh)
164
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:11,525
Yvette's still a giant bitch
for firing you.
165
00:08:11,559 --> 00:08:14,327
-How's Toilet?
-How would I know?
166
00:08:14,361 --> 00:08:15,663
He's great. Okay?
167
00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:18,398
Gretch, I can't keep doing this.
I think these papers
168
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,568
you're making me steal
may be important.
169
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:23,070
If they were so important,
why are they in the trash?
170
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,539
Jimmy's never once
looked at your work stuff.
171
00:08:25,573 --> 00:08:27,007
Why do you need Caliber papers
172
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,242
to make him believe
you weren't canned?
173
00:08:29,276 --> 00:08:30,644
I can't let him know
I am losing it
174
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:31,712
right before the wedding.
175
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,480
I'll tell him after.
176
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,048
Divorce is so much paperwork.
177
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,316
He'll never get around
to that shit.
178
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:37,985
Stupid Yvette.
179
00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,921
I mean, who fires someone right
before their wedding?
180
00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,356
You know what?
181
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:47,094
I am going to march in there
and chew her ass out for you.
182
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,096
Plus, it's only four episodes,
183
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,599
so we can probably watch
it all tonight.
184
00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:54,602
(gasps)
Ooh. Let's order Thai.
185
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,237
(panting):
Okay. Hey.
186
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,872
You know what else we should do?
187
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:01,041
-Rehire Gretchen.
-What?
188
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,848
Hey, where'd your butt go?
189
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,850
I understand that Gretchen
is your friend,
190
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:12,052
but she royally screwed up.
191
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:14,888
Did she, though?
192
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:17,390
She set off
a fire alarm to avoid
193
00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:19,593
disappointing
one of her clients.
194
00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:22,195
That is insane.
195
00:09:22,229 --> 00:09:24,965
I feel like you're upset.
196
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,200
So what color curry
should we get tonight?
197
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:30,203
Yellow? Red? Blue?
198
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:32,239
-(chuckles)
-Something came up.
199
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,775
Just now?
200
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,810
(quietly):
Okay.
201
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,488
(phone chimes, vibrates)
202
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:52,125
(whimpering sob)
203
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:56,930
My own creation,
ripped from my heaving bosom.
204
00:09:56,964 --> 00:10:00,067
-No!
-(phone chimes, vibrates)
205
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,803
Edgar, be a dear and answer
this, will you?
206
00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:04,805
Whoever it is
won't stop calling,
207
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,807
and I'm far too distressed
208
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,009
to synthesize
any sort of cogent thought.
209
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,078
Jimmy's phone. This is Edgar.
210
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,746
-(paper rips)
-Uh-huh, hold on.
211
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,147
The caterer wants
to know if you want
212
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,316
red or white quinoa
in the farro salad.
213
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:19,252
(moans)
214
00:10:19,286 --> 00:10:21,521
We'll get back to you.
215
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:22,522
(phone beeps off)
216
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,591
I'm gonna ask Gretchen.
217
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:26,794
(keys beeping)
218
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:29,096
-(phone rings)
-Caliber PR.
219
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,164
Uh, hi. Gretchen Cutler's
office, please?
220
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:35,836
(clears throat)
221
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,538
You are hearing
this prepared statement
222
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,674
because you called
for Gretchen Cutler,
223
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:43,110
whose employment
was terminated immediately
224
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,178
upon the incident on the 12th.
225
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:48,849
If Ms. Cutler has personally
injured or assaul...
226
00:10:54,521 --> 00:10:56,289
I left word.
227
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:58,391
(moaning)
228
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:06,700
-(lullaby plays softly)
-Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
229
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:09,069
(quietly):
Good girl.
230
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,939
(lullaby continues)
231
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,075
Time for sleepies.
232
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:17,711
You get some sleep, okay?
Good night.
233
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:20,147
(Tallulah whimpering)
234
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,182
Shh...
235
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:27,721
Hey, you want to help me
find a new apartment?
236
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,991
Bec and I talked Paul into
springing for a sweet Airbnb.
237
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,026
"For the baby." Oops.
238
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,594
I'm supposed
to do the quotes in my head.
239
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:37,330
-I have a secret.
-Hell, yeah.
240
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:39,199
Love secrets.
Lay it on me.
241
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,501
I'm a lesbian now.
242
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,570
That's, uh...
243
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,574
That's...
244
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,676
-That's amazing.
-(exhales)
245
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,279
I am so honored that you would
trust me with this. Come here.
246
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:54,047
Oh.
247
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,382
You outed yourself
to the right hombre.
248
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,217
I'm sort of a lezbo expert.
249
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,386
Not 'cause I'm cranked up
by the idea of two ladies
250
00:11:59,419 --> 00:12:02,122
smushing their titties and boxes
together and whatnots,
251
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,225
-but on account of my two moms.
-Your what, now?
252
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:08,361
Me being born dead
was mad stressful on my folks.
253
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,363
I survived,
but their marriage didn't.
254
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,865
But it was a stealth blessing
255
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,934
'cause it turns out
my mom is super gay.
256
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:15,936
And you turned out like this?
257
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,471
Right. That's why I'm so mad
fucking sensitive.
258
00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,407
I like Yvette so much.
259
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,944
I've never felt this way about
anyone, not even Dave Navarro.
260
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,478
Plus, I've never dated a woman,
261
00:12:25,512 --> 00:12:27,981
so I don't know
if I'm doing any of this right.
262
00:12:28,015 --> 00:12:30,083
Okay. Let's run through
your relaish right quick.
263
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:33,586
-Oh.
-(grunts)
264
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:37,424
-When was your last hike?
-Never.
265
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:40,093
Which Costco do you guys
belong to together?
266
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:42,095
-None.
-Have you seen Fun Home?
267
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,297
-Huh?
-How many flannels do you own?
268
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:46,599
-Uh...
-Which Subaru
have you test-driven?
269
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,402
-Zero.
-How much did you donate
to NPR last year?
270
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,971
What's NPR?
271
00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:52,405
What's your favorite
Tegan and Sara album?
272
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:55,809
-Who?
-Has she made you a chili?
273
00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,611
-What?
-A chili-- beans, meat,
a tomato base.
274
00:12:58,645 --> 00:13:01,514
-A chili, goddamn it.
-We haven't made a chili.
275
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:03,183
That's it!
276
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:04,852
You need to do something
to let her know
277
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:08,021
that you're serious
about being a lesbian.
278
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,791
(insects chirping)
279
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:21,501
(exhales)
Three, two...
280
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:23,837
-AUDIENCE: Wheel of Fortune!
-(sighs)
281
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:26,339
Home just in time for Wheel.
282
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:27,975
Pretty impressive
how I have my commute
283
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,043
timed so perfectly, huh, Jimbo?
284
00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,979
(groaning)
285
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:35,215
Another crazy one at work today.
286
00:13:35,248 --> 00:13:36,850
You know, Debbie,
from accounting?
287
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:39,953
She ate shit coming
out of the bathroom.
288
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:42,956
Really fucked herself up.
Super funny.
289
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:46,026
Also, Mike's cat's butt
exploded.
290
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:48,561
(Jimmy moaning)
291
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:52,632
JIMMY: Don't you want
to know what's wrong?
292
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,234
Of course.
293
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:58,671
I was essentially fired
off my own movie,
294
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:03,376
only to be rewritten
by Diablo Cody. Diablo Cody.
295
00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:05,578
-Juno.
-I do know.
296
00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:08,815
Ever since, I've been
in a depressive spiral.
297
00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:12,685
I hope that you can
still love me through this.
298
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:18,491
There, there, bud.
299
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:19,893
It'll be okay.
300
00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:22,729
You know,
I really underestimated
301
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:27,567
the amount of psychic pain
that depression can inflict.
302
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,404
This really puts your past
flare-ups into context.
303
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:35,408
It really does.
304
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,277
(groaning)
305
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,850
* Got a issue, got a issue,
better leave it *
306
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,552
* I don't really say it
unless I mean it *
307
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:48,121
* Magazines ain't here
for reading *
308
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:50,523
* 'Cause now these ...
fucking with the meanest *
309
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:52,892
* Since a youngin', I've been
going fucking hammer *
310
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,695
* Don't believe me?
Ask my motherfucking nana *
311
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,131
* She'll tell you I've been
crazy since pajamas *
312
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,700
* Everybody in my crew
go bananas *
313
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,370
* Burn said kill it,
I said why not? *
314
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,106
* Aim it through the alley,
that's a tight shot *
315
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,441
* Bitch, pussy good,
that's a tight shot *
316
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:09,876
* Too bad that my heart... *
317
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,612
Hey, Gretchen.
318
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,514
Hello there.
319
00:15:15,782 --> 00:15:17,150
How are you?
320
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:20,453
So good.
321
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:23,223
Work is B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
322
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:27,394
Debbie from accounting died, so
there's a cake for that later.
323
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,397
And my assistant Mike's cat
has a robot butt.
324
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:33,166
You know, cool work stuff.
325
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,202
Mm-hmm.
326
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,409
All right.
327
00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,011
See ya.
328
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:47,247
JIMMY:
* The bells are ringing *
329
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,616
* For me and my gal *
330
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:52,352
* The birds are singing *
331
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,921
* For me and my gal *
332
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:58,325
* Everybody been knowing *
333
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:01,861
* To a wedding we're goin'. *
334
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,330
(chuckles)
335
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,298
I've done it.
I bested my depression.
336
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:08,935
Gretchen, I gazed
into the eye of the great void
337
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,537
and I said, "Nay,
338
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:13,340
you shan't take me today, void."
339
00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:15,642
-(chuckles): Hmm.
-Sorry for being
such a bummer yesterday.
340
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:17,277
It was really quite
selfish of me
341
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,313
to burden you
with my sadness like that.
342
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,848
-No worries.
-And now I wholly
343
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:24,551
empathize with your experience
of depression.
344
00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:27,187
I'm just glad those dark days
are behind us.
345
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:28,955
-Anyways, I really got
to get to...
-I am gonna seize
346
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:34,227
this glorious day to take care
of manifold wedding tasks.
347
00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:36,063
I can't believe we're getting
married in four days.
348
00:16:36,096 --> 00:16:38,898
-Same. (whoops)
-I'm also gonna take my tux
to get pressed.
349
00:16:38,931 --> 00:16:40,533
Would you like me
to take your dress, as well?
350
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,135
Don't worry, I won't peek at it.
351
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,371
-Actually, I don't have one.
-What's that?
352
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,573
No dress, homeboy.
I've been busy.
353
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,808
Work. Got to go, so busy.
354
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,744
Debbie go boom,
cat butt turn for worse.
355
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,046
Bye.
356
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,319
(door opens, closes)
357
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,688
PHOTOGRAPHER:
Work it.
358
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,491
YVETTE:
Remind the D.A. that while Lil'
Reba claims in every interview
359
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:07,227
to be "moving bricks,"
she's nine years old.
360
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,262
Then leak to the source
that Reba is quote:
361
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:11,531
"Hard as shit and has been
flipping packs
362
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:12,665
since she was six."
363
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,401
Okay? Uh, yes, and...
364
00:17:14,434 --> 00:17:17,204
Let me call you back.
365
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:19,739
Lindsay, please.
I really don't have
366
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:23,110
-time for your...
-Ta-da.
367
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,277
Oh, dear God.
368
00:17:24,311 --> 00:17:25,612
I really like you, Yvette.
369
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:27,046
I want to go hiking to Costco
370
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,382
with you and buy chili stuff.
371
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,284
Let's make a chili.
372
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:34,254
Did you seriously think
that putting on
373
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:38,024
some lesbian minstrel show
would convince me to... what?
374
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,960
I don't even know what you want.
375
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:42,129
(scoffs)
376
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:44,797
-I want you.
-You're not gay.
377
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:47,434
Not to mention the fact
that you had an agenda
378
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:48,968
to get Gretchen hired back.
379
00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:52,139
That's not true! We squished
boxes before you fired Gretchen.
380
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:53,873
Don't hire her back,
I don't care.
381
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,775
I'm sorry, Lindsay.
382
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,977
Okay, you're right,
maybe I am trying hard
383
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:00,480
but that's because I love you
so quit the bullshit
384
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:03,350
and tell me you love me back or
I'll stab you, you fucking cunt.
385
00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:09,389
You know what?
386
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:10,757
You're fired.
387
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,225
You can't fire me.
388
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,926
There are literal hours
of security footage
389
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,829
of you stealing confidential
documents from the shred bin.
390
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:19,299
You mean the locked trash?
391
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:20,767
You also just threatened
to stab me.
392
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,137
-I'm gonna...
-Yeah.
393
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:30,610
So what am I looking at,
severance package-wise?
394
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:31,944
Just around?
395
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:33,546
-Ballpark it for me is fine.
-(scoffs)
396
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,385
(chuckles)
397
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:44,724
(sighs)
398
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:46,826
(sighs)
399
00:18:48,828 --> 00:18:50,630
-Yo, you got the papers?
-No, Gretchen.
400
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:52,098
I don't have your papers.
401
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:55,868
-I quit.
-What? Why?
402
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:58,104
For you, in solidarity.
I thought you'd be happy.
403
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,039
Four days, Lindsay.
404
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:02,609
You couldn't hold on
for four goddamn more days?
405
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:05,111
No! This has gone too far.
406
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,215
Just tell Jimmy the truth.
407
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:10,283
If someone really loves you,
they don't get mad,
408
00:19:10,317 --> 00:19:11,551
no matter what you tell them.
409
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,653
Here, watch.
410
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:16,389
I've been sleeping with Yvette.
411
00:19:16,423 --> 00:19:19,359
And also, I didn't quit.
She fired me.
412
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:20,960
See?
413
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,496
And I ate her butt.
See? No one cares.
414
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,032
Yvette? You were literally
sleeping with the enemy!
415
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,634
You're not gay.
416
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,136
Well, I thought maybe I was
for a second because I'm lost.
417
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,004
Jesus.
418
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:34,741
Changed my mind,
maybe you shouldn't tell Jimmy.
419
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,743
Also, she wasn't the enemy.
420
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:39,979
You actually did
screw up pretty bad.
421
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,882
You caused, like, a hundred
grand worth of water damage
422
00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,684
-to that club.
-You sound like a narc.
423
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:46,986
You're a giant narc bitch
and I have somewhere to be.
424
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,422
-Narc.
-Well, you're a tiny bitch.
425
00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,157
And I have nowhere to be.
426
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,826
And you didn't even say
anything about my hair.
427
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:54,961
It's Paul hair.
428
00:19:56,028 --> 00:19:58,331
What are you doing later?
429
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,267
I don't know! Call me!
430
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:08,140
(dogs barking, yapping)
431
00:20:17,116 --> 00:20:19,018
EDGAR:
Oh, hi.
432
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,953
Um, my friend's a klepto and
I think she just stole a dog.
433
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:23,256
What? Uh... No.
434
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:25,892
(scoffs) These doggos
are all up for adoption
435
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:27,894
or walking.
We're here every week.
436
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:31,130
You know, most people
do this for the dogs,
437
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:32,632
but something tells me
that chick needs
438
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,534
these walks
more than the dogs do.
439
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,869
Some of the dogs actually get
bummed when she shows up.
440
00:20:36,903 --> 00:20:38,438
Like they can smell
the desperation.
441
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:39,806
Just give me a dog, man.
442
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:44,811
Make it a real badass one.
443
00:20:44,844 --> 00:20:46,846
(dog grunting)
444
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:52,419
(dog barking in distance)
445
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,990
You following me, narc?
446
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:00,059
I'm worried about you, Gretchen.
447
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,595
Why? I'm doing great.
448
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:04,130
Look how good I am at fetch.
449
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,234
(dog panting)
450
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:10,102
What were you looking for
in the garbage this morning?
451
00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:12,439
-Mind your own business, Edgar.
-You made it my business
452
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,006
when you started
stealing my meds.
453
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,642
-Meds you don't use.
-I don't use them
454
00:21:15,675 --> 00:21:18,811
because they were messing me
up and they're prescribed to me.
455
00:21:18,845 --> 00:21:20,112
Who knows what
they're doing to you.
456
00:21:20,146 --> 00:21:21,648
I do.
457
00:21:21,681 --> 00:21:23,416
They're making life bearable.
458
00:21:23,450 --> 00:21:26,619
Are you insane, monitoring me?
459
00:21:26,653 --> 00:21:29,789
My parents did that
and they were my parents.
460
00:21:29,822 --> 00:21:31,824
And I rejected them
forever for it.
461
00:21:31,858 --> 00:21:34,661
You're just... you.
462
00:21:34,694 --> 00:21:36,963
Like, who the fuck
are you, even?
463
00:21:36,996 --> 00:21:41,634
Maybe the best thing
for everyone
464
00:21:41,668 --> 00:21:43,470
would be for you
465
00:21:43,503 --> 00:21:46,839
to get the hell out
of our lives for good!
466
00:21:46,873 --> 00:21:48,841
I know you got fired.
467
00:21:52,178 --> 00:21:53,513
Please don't tell Jimmy.
468
00:21:53,546 --> 00:21:55,648
Jimmy doesn't care
about your job.
469
00:21:55,682 --> 00:21:57,950
Edgar, I am begging you.
470
00:21:57,984 --> 00:21:59,652
Don't tell Jimmy.
471
00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:03,055
He will leave me again
and this time, he won't be
472
00:22:03,089 --> 00:22:04,891
-wrong to do it.
-Gretchen, Jesus.
473
00:22:04,924 --> 00:22:07,527
I was really trying at work.
474
00:22:09,562 --> 00:22:12,999
And I still blew it.
475
00:22:13,032 --> 00:22:15,902
Even when I try, I fail.
476
00:22:15,935 --> 00:22:19,171
I always fail.
477
00:22:19,205 --> 00:22:21,007
And I can't fail with Jimmy.
478
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,610
I just... can't.
479
00:22:24,911 --> 00:22:27,647
I won't tell him.
480
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,617
But don't you think
you should be able to?
481
00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:37,624
(softly):
I'm sorry.
482
00:22:45,131 --> 00:22:49,836
-(lock clicks)
-* I saw you *
483
00:22:49,869 --> 00:22:51,404
* Standing there... *
484
00:22:51,438 --> 00:22:55,274
Goddamn, homey, work was
straight cray again today.
485
00:22:55,307 --> 00:22:58,077
But I am so stoked I made it
home in time for...
486
00:22:58,110 --> 00:23:01,414
(muffled):
What's up, Jimmy?
487
00:23:01,448 --> 00:23:04,116
(chuckling):
Jimmy.
488
00:23:04,150 --> 00:23:05,685
(voice quavers):
What?
489
00:23:05,718 --> 00:23:10,457
* I wonder why, oh why *
490
00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:13,059
* Ooh *
491
00:23:13,092 --> 00:23:17,797
* That you were not there *
492
00:23:17,830 --> 00:23:21,233
* Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh *
493
00:23:21,267 --> 00:23:24,604
* You looked so good *
494
00:23:24,637 --> 00:23:26,272
I got you a wedding dress.
495
00:23:26,305 --> 00:23:27,740
(snaps fingers)
496
00:23:27,774 --> 00:23:30,577
* Ooh *
497
00:23:30,610 --> 00:23:35,314
* That I stopped
and I stared... *
498
00:23:35,347 --> 00:23:36,949
What the...
499
00:23:36,983 --> 00:23:39,786
Jimmy, that's exactly the dress
I didn't know I needed.
500
00:23:39,819 --> 00:23:41,053
How did you...?
501
00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:43,222
* Why... *
502
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:44,791
Beat it.
503
00:23:47,794 --> 00:23:49,729
-Can you unzip me, mister?
-(quietly): Yes, just go.
504
00:23:49,762 --> 00:23:52,799
* That day... *
505
00:23:52,832 --> 00:23:56,402
JIMMY: Obviously we'll have it
taken in significantly.
506
00:23:56,435 --> 00:23:58,605
Thank you.
507
00:23:58,638 --> 00:24:00,072
* I looked for you... *
508
00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:02,408
I got fired.
509
00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:05,478
Oh. Well, that's okay.
510
00:24:05,512 --> 00:24:07,179
Really?
511
00:24:07,213 --> 00:24:09,281
Yeah, we'll figure it out.
512
00:24:09,315 --> 00:24:12,451
And if not, Edgar can give us
homeless advice.
513
00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:14,286
(both chuckle)
514
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,689
Actually, I got fired,
like, two weeks ago.
515
00:24:16,723 --> 00:24:18,457
I've just been pretending
to go to work
516
00:24:18,491 --> 00:24:21,327
like some prideful
Japanese businessman.
517
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,429
Also I stopped talking
to my therapist
518
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:25,532
and I've been taking
a bunch of random pills.
519
00:24:25,565 --> 00:24:28,668
And even though
I have literally nothing to do,
520
00:24:28,701 --> 00:24:30,436
I just can't bear
to bring myself
521
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:32,572
to do a single thing
for this wedding.
522
00:24:34,574 --> 00:24:37,309
Our wedding is gonna be amazing.
523
00:24:38,377 --> 00:24:42,214
* Ooh *
524
00:24:42,248 --> 00:24:44,584
* You may not be deep *
525
00:24:46,586 --> 00:24:50,823
* Ah... ah *
526
00:24:50,857 --> 00:24:54,360
* This could happen to you,
pretty baby *
527
00:24:54,393 --> 00:24:57,530
* Ooh, ooh *
528
00:24:57,564 --> 00:25:02,301
* Like it happened to me *
529
00:25:02,334 --> 00:25:06,172
* Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh. *
530
00:25:13,746 --> 00:25:16,716
(dog barks)
531
00:25:19,752 --> 00:25:21,721
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
532
00:25:23,756 --> 00:25:25,725
(rock music playing)
533
00:25:27,894 --> 00:25:32,031
-How do I look?
-Like Mickey Rourke
was stung by bees.
534
00:25:32,064 --> 00:25:34,000
Perfect. (sniffs)
535
00:25:34,033 --> 00:25:36,202
ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst.
The final season.
536
00:25:36,235 --> 00:25:38,571
All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
537
00:25:39,806 --> 00:25:41,708
Whoa. Gotta use
only the right foot.
538
00:25:41,741 --> 00:25:43,275
You gotta alternate.
539
00:25:43,309 --> 00:25:46,746
(warning bell dinging)
540
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:49,882
Okay. Good lesson.
541
00:25:49,916 --> 00:25:51,618
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
542
00:25:51,651 --> 00:25:53,753
All new
Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.
543
00:25:55,788 --> 00:25:56,856
MAN: I was awoken
544
00:25:56,889 --> 00:25:59,959
by the most beautiful woman
I had ever seen.
545
00:25:59,992 --> 00:26:03,262
She was clawing
at the glass.
I was hypnotized.
546
00:26:03,295 --> 00:26:04,897
I used hypnosis on him.
547
00:26:04,931 --> 00:26:08,067
What We Do in the Shadows,
all new Wednesdays at 10:00.
548
00:26:08,100 --> 00:26:10,502
Starts March 27 on FX.
549
00:26:12,605 --> 00:26:14,874
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.
550
00:26:14,907 --> 00:26:20,780
-(drumming)
-(horns playing)
551
00:26:20,813 --> 00:26:23,015
(fingers snapping)
552
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:40,132
-Again.
-(fingers snapping)
39194
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