Original subtitles

FXX presentsYou're the Worst.

Oh!

Ah, it is so nice to finally have a day off.

-It's Sunday. -Paul F. Tompkins doesn't believe in Sundays.

Or doctors appointments or bathroom breaks.

Well, since you have all this free time,

-have you finally read my script? -Oh!

Shoot! I'm sorry, Jimmy. I did.

And I... loved it.

You captured the book perfectly.No notes.

No notes?

No... notes?

Thank you, Edgar.

Well, I shall just send it in as is, then.

-Final draft, incoming. - Say, Edgar?

Why, yes, Lindsay? -You know what I miss?

Handwritten letters? Landlines?Light brown M&M's?

Sunday Funday. Remember that?

I sure do, Lindsay!

-What... is this?

It looks like a Sunday Funday list.

Nope, we're not doing Sunday Funday.

We retired it, remember?

: That's too bad, because it's...

BOTH: Bachelor/Bachelorette Party Sunday Funday!

-What?!

-♪ Sunday Funday♪

♪ Sunday Funday, Sunday Funday...♪

What do you think, Jim-skillet?

♪ Sun-day Fun-day♪

ALL: ♪ Better than a Monday♪

♪ Can only do it one way♪

♪ And that is the drunk way♪

♪ Sunday Funday, better than a Monday♪

♪ Can only do it one way, and that is the drunk way♪

♪ Sunday Funday, better than a Monday.♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway♪

♪ I'm gonna leave you anyway♪

♪ Gonna leave you anyway.♪

If I see one plastic novelty penis,

I'm shoving you off the bus.

Don't worry, Gretch. Only real ones.

ALL: Surprise!

-What the shit? -Whoo! Hell yeah!

Party bus bachelor party Sunday Funday!

-Whoo! -Ooh!

So honored to be included, you guys.

Gonna crush it. You'll see... basically.

-Where are all my real friends?-Which friends?

How am I supposed to get buck

with my future ball-and-chain here?

-Yeah! -EDGAR: Check out

all the amazing stuff we have planned.

First, the oldest tiki bar in the San Fernando Valley.

We'll then hop over to crazy Topanga Canyon

where real-life hippies will teach us to throw pottery.

Then, a coastal sundown drive along the water.

It's gonna be hardcore.

-More like hard-snore.

The only way to make this impending disaster

remotely fun now is to immediately get hammered

and enjoy what an utter failureEdgar and Lindsay

-once again prove to be. -Where the hell is all the booze?

I had the privilegeof crafting a special microbrew

to commemorate the event.

Introducing the Jimmy and Gretchen... Strawberry...

-Huh? Pale Ale!

What a laugh.

So jolly.

This is going to be fun, trust us.

Paul aboard!

Hello, everybody. Hi.

As we get closer to Jimmy and Gretchen's big day,

I just want to say how much I look forward to being firmly

involved in their lives, then even more than now.

I'm gonna be there is all I'm saying.

And now a song to get this party started!

-Just wait.

Quickly, just right after this, but quickly.

-I just have a quick... -

Hello, everyone! Hi!

Hi. I have a huge announcement.

-EDGAR: English. -Is everyone looking at me?

-English. -Shut up, back there! Okay.

-Drumroll.

I'm going to have another baby!

What? What?

Becca! Becca!

-Becca! -Seriously? Hey, nerd, it worked!

Oh, my. Huzzah! Huzzah!

-MAN: Shut up, jerk! -Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Hell yeah! What a miracle.

-Little baby growing in there. -Yeah.

Gosh, can you believe it's not just come anymore?

-Me? A papa.

What responsibility.

One more of these ultra-low-ABV bad boys,

and I'm liable to tell you a little secret.

-Uh, no.-Are you sure? It's quite juicy.

Paul, I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

: Oh! That sounds like a challenge.

But you have to swear not to tell anyone.

If you do, you'll owe me $1,000.

Okay, fine. Deal.

Just tell me so I can be out of this horrible conversation.

I impregnated Becca.

Direct deposit method.

With my member.

-Well, that is a good secret. -I told you.

Oh, bother. Oh.

Hi, everybody. I have an announcement.

-What is it? -And... sent.

-JIMMY: I feel like we haven't given

enough attention to how thrilling it is

-that Becca is pregnant again. -No, no, no!

Jimmy, no!

But what is so extraordinary about this event

is the method by which it transpired.

You see, as it turns out,

Paul used nature's baster.

His willy! He used his willy!

Paul put his penis inside Beccaand moved it in and out.

-Party officially set off.

What-What?

This is the first I'm hearing of this shocking news.

You guys are so lucky you have us

to make your lame-o party awesome.

-Hey...

Okay, we're stopping at the liquor store immediately.

Oh, I can actually have more than one because

most women don't even knowthey're pregnant at this point.

You've done a lot of shitty things to me over the years--

dropped me in the laundry chute,

made me sleep in the backyard because I breathed too loud--

but sleeping with my husband was the lowest,

and I'm including that summer you told me

I had to drink your pee or I wouldn't get boobs.

Lindsay, I swear to you

it was as passionless as sex has ever been.

You should know. You married him.

Oh, do I have a booger?

Let's make a promise that we'll do this forever,

that this, our freest selves, shall e'er rule

and that marriageshall not change us in any way.

I don't know. In five years, my freest self might be sober.

That's not funny.

Who knows what our lives will be?

We can make these big declarations,

but it doesn't mean anything.

Or worse, we think it means something,

so we force ourselves to be this,

even though that's not who we are anymore.

-But I am who I am. -I am, too. For now.

What's your favorite part?

-Of what? -Of the script, man.

Come on. Was it the Ramones concert intercut

with Neville Chamberlain announcing conscription?

Or Kitty's seduction atthe hands of the church rector?

It was all really good, Jimmy.

Well, that was markedly disappointing. For our next...

Well, well, well.

: Edgar, I thought you had jury duty.

Oh, um, the guy confessed.

Crazy.

Uh, Jimmy, this is Paul F. Tompkins.

Hey, Jimmy. Any friend of Edgar's.

So, what are you guys up to on this glorious Sunday?

Howdy, everybody! My name is Paul F. Tompkins,

-and I will be your host for this party.

I regret to inform youthe old plan died of being lame.

-Oh!

-Boo! -New plan:

-we're going to Las Vegas!

-Hit it!

Oh.

-♪ Vegas♪

♪ We're on our way to Las Vegas♪

♪ We're gonna go where paying for sex♪

♪ Is not a crime♪

-That's true.

♪ I said Vegas♪

-♪ We're gonna go where the...♪ -Hi, buddy.

We have a question. What were you doing

while another man was having sex with your wife?

Uh...

I think I was watching a movie.

Oh. What movie were you watching?

Was it A Cuckwork Orange?

The Hunt for Red Cucktober?

Uncle Cuck? The Mighty Cucks?

-The Joy Cuck Club? -Cuckleberry Finn?

The Marx Brothers in Cuck Soup?

-Good Night and Good Cuck?

One Flew Over the Cuck-oo's Nest?

-Mooncuck? -Ha!

Sick burns. So comical.

Excuse me for a second.

I'm looking real bad in this scenario, nerd.

I got to tell 'em the full, triumphant story.

Vernon, you can't do that.

-Hmm.-EDGAR: The Cuck-il Wears Prada.

What's it worth to you?

Are you on Venmo?

Mm-hmm.

BECCA: Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

-You know what? No, listen!

You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Vernon is a strong, secure man who should be celebrated

-for his open-mindedness. -Aw, thanks, Bec.

Yeah. And actually, I think the movie he was watching was

-I Heart Cuckabees!

Didn't see that coming, did you, cuck?

-Hey-o!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

-No, Vernon, no! -I was there, too, you guys!

I was in the room where it happened.

-I was a part of it!

I came, too! So hard!

We all came at the same time.

It was super sexual.

I helped his dong back in and then Bec blew harder

than she ever blew before. We held hands after.

I tried to kill myself, and thesex made me want to stay alive!

That's about it! I yield my remaining time!

Sunday Funday!

Who here's from out of town?

Oh.

So, you picked up a bus driver and invite him

-into your marriage bed? -Oh! -What?

-No, no.

-Let me explain. -I don't trust him, Jimmy.

He's got that same look in his eyes he had that day

he made me eat all that sour cream.

Oh, you're just mad that he'smaking this party actually fun.

Now, shush. I want to see who he's going to

take the piss out of next.

Oh, you two are getting married!

-That's right!

Oh, so great.

Now, you know, things will change after you get married.

That's right. About to gain that marriage weight, sucka!

So have you two had all the big discussions?

-We will. -Oh.

-Will is my handsy uncle.

Let's knock some of these out right now.

First question: If you have a boy,

-will he be circumcised? -JIMMY: Yes.

-Everyone calls it a turtle. -No, that's mutilation.

Will you raise your child with religion?

-Absolutely not. -Yes.

Wait, why is everything about children?

Next question: Do you want children?

-Probably not. -Absolutely.

-You're not religious. -Yes, I am.

I don't talk about it because you'll make me feel dumb.

Why would you say that we want children?

-Because I want them. -Well, I don't.

This feels bad.

Is it just me, or does this feel really bad?

-You said you weren't sure. -Well, I changed my mind.

And I might change it again.Right now these are my beliefs.

But who knows how I'll feel in a couple years?

Then they're not beliefs. They're whims.

Ooh, that is not going to land well.

He's right, we should make thesedecisions before we get married.

What's even the point?

Any rethinking I might do isn't called "growth"

but "weakness" because Jimmy's so goddamn set in his ways.

Can't you fucking adjust something

for me for once in your life?

I have changed for you.

Guys, quick, name some of the things

I've adjusted for Gretchen.

-Um... -Uh...

Ha! See?

-You can't name one thing... -I sucked a dick for you!

I'm sorry, I don't think I heard that right.

Gretchen told me to suck a dick, so I did.

I sucked one.

LINDSAY: I want a guy to suck a dick for me.

It all makes sense now, because of how infrequently

he wanted to make love.

Was I at least on the short list?

I always thought I'd be dope at that

on account of how good I am at Popsicles.

Why are we stopping?

-ALL: Oh!

As far as I can hypothesize,I have an optic yeast infection.

Happens to the best home brewers.

Move. I'll drive.

We've also run out of fuel.

-What?

-I don't have any service. -What?!

Me neither.

This was your plan all along, wasn't it?

To trap us out here in the desert.

I'm simply trying to have fun

with this couple who, by the way, clearly

-shouldn't be getting married. -Hey!

Don't make fun of my friends.

Some group of friends, Edgar.

The dick-hungry come loverwhose script you clearly hated.

-Edgar?

I'm sorry, Jimmy, I didn't wantto hurt your feelings.

And the sad girl he barely even knows

who tricked him into sucking a dick.

Then there's this alcoholic Gorgon

who boned her sister's ex.

I had her permission.

-You did not! -Do me! Do me!

Then there's her Howdy Doody husband

who's too lame to even waste a good insult on.

-All right, that's it.

-Get off of this bus!

Oh, let me think about it. Um, no.

-Get out! Get out! -Watch yourself, Edgar.

I can make it so you never workin this town again.

I don't care. You can be as hard on me as you want,

but don't mess with my friends.

What are you gonna do about it, loser?

I said...

...get out!

EDGAR: Is he okay?

Is he okay?!

I don't know; I'm having a hard time remembering

what I'm supposed to do.

R-I-C-E. What's the "I"?

-Where the hell are we? -PAUL: I may have taken

a wrong turn when the yeast started to activate.

Why did you have to push him?!

This is so bad.

You guys don't know him like I do.

He is going to ruin my life.

What are you doing?

He's a hostile combatant!

Oh, stop it. You're acting

as irrationally as you did when you decided

my screenplay needed work.

Edgar's right-- we can't trust this guy.

He called me an alcoholic.

PAUL: What's happening?

Who's fallen?

See? I told you.

TOMPKINS : What?

-Edgar?

Guys? What's happening?

Do not listen to him.

TOMPKINS: Edgar.

You got to help me. My back really hurts.

Why did you push me down the stairs?

Why are you all standing over me?

What are you gonna do to me?

I'm sorry if I've been hard on you at work,

-but don't do this. -Why do you have this?!

I-I was uncomfortable working with you.

I mean, you're a disgruntled employee with PTSD.

-He has a point! -And then you pushed me down the stairs.

And then I woke up,and you're all standing over me

in the middle of the desert!

Hey.

-What are we gonna do?

I'll take care of him.

It's okay. I'm fine.

Oh, my God! What's happening?!

-Someone tell me what's happening!

I'm so cold.

Why can't I stand up?

What did you do?! He's a doctor!

He said he was gonna take care of me!

I-I thought he was coming over to kill me!

I told you he was a psychopath!

Oh, God, and now he's dead.

Just like all of you are about to be dead.

-What did you say?

Oh, nothing.

Just, um, spitballing here, but, uh,

I think maybe now I have to kill all of you.

-: You... -I'm not joking, fuck-face.

This is actually my dream.

You drew first blood.

The security camera on this bus

will show you pushing me down the stairs.

But out here, no camera.

Oh, yes, from here on out, it's all self-defense.

Oh, no.

-No!

You're first, Edgar.

No. No!

He's okay, right?

Yeah.

You're okay. Are you okay?

Oh, my God.

Breathe. Just breathe.

I am. I'm calm.

We-we just killed someone!

JIMMY: Okay.

We have to leave. Um... Mexico.

We have to go to Mexico.

You'd do that?

As long as we're together.

-LINDSAY: You guys!

I can't. I can't.

-Calm down. -I can't!

Gretchen, you have to hold this for me.

-Shh!

-What the...? -Surprise!

What is happening? I don't understand.

Which part? The part where Lindsay and I

orchestrated the best

bachelor/bachelorette party ever?

I, uh... yes. I'm speechless.

-Bravo, everyone. -Yeah.

-Yeah! -Oh.

-Jimmy, is this real life?

So, pretty good, huh?

You let us murder someone.

How did you...?

Well, we knew you'd demand real booze

-if we had Paul make home brew.-PAUL: What?

But I brewed the ale in good faith,

independent of the scheming.

It led us to where Paul F. Tompkins would be waiting.

And you, sir...

I knew eight years of stage combat would pay off.

Plus, I make my own squibs.

-Oh. -So, you and Edgar aren't...

Working together anymore? No.

So, with this, you are free.

And you promise not to goto DB Industries' HR department

with any more allegations of alleged abuse.

Got to say,

that disgusting threesome runneryou guys made up?

I almost broke, like, five times.

Oh.

We are not leaving you behind.

-Calm the fuck down. -Okay.

What?

Mexico? I thought you hated change.

I suppose there mightbe some circumstances in life

that do change things, like murder.

Or kids.

Right.

Or murder.

Congrats on knocking up my big sister, you stud.

I heartily apologize.

It's okay.

-Sister fucker.

Ew, you made my sister come.

-Ew.

No, don't make me laugh.

Tears will feed the yeast.

GRETCHEN: ♪ Anytime♪

♪ You're feeling lonely♪

♪ Anytime♪

♪ You're feeling blue♪

♪ Anytime♪

♪ You feel downhearted♪

♪ That will prove your love♪

♪ To me is true♪

♪ Anytime♪

♪ You're thinking 'bout me♪

♪ That's the time♪

♪ I'm thinking 'bout you.♪

So?

-Hard-core? -Ugh.

-Hard-core.

-One plot hole. -Hmm?

How did you know we'd shoot him?

Ah, we didn't know for sure, but you did.

You killed him to save me.

Ultimate bad boy move, huh?

-Yeah.

Wait, where'd you get the gun?

Oh, your dad bought itwhen he came to visit, remember?

You've had a gun in your room since then?

-Mm-hmm. -Wow. I've called you

some truly awful things this past year.

You could've just ended it all.

-Well, yeah, I mean... -The constant nay-saying,

the endless cooking and cleaning,

the irrational subservience.

With a simple twitch of your finger,

the misery could have ceased forever.

And still, you chose not to kill yourself.

Bravo, Edgar.

Hey, I'm sorry about the script,Jimmy, but you can't turn it in.

I suspected it wasn't very good.

Will you help me fix it?

Yeah.

I'll call the studio, say you're consulting.

-Cowriting. -Fine.

Just promise you'll never lie to me again.

I promise.

Gretchen's been stealing meds from my medicine cabinet,

-a ton of them, for weeks now. -So what? She loves pills.

No. This is the serious stuff.

And I don't think it's for fun this time.

♪ We talked till late that night♪

♪ I walked her home♪

♪ Debating gun rights♪

♪ We put our differences aside♪

♪ Under the parking lights♪

♪ Two years soon passed♪

♪ She sent a picture from Spain♪

♪ On a stone street, a seedling♪

♪ Was growing in a storm drain♪

♪ Familiar plight...♪

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

You're the Worst. The final season.

All new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FXX.

Okay, Tracy Cromwell. What's your address and date of birth?

Mom. No one ever asks for it.

I just...

Slut bucket.

ANNOUNCER: Better Things.

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.

-Oh! -Aaah!

FX!

MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.

-Again.