Original subtitles

I don't get what your problem is.

Mom, you're not serious, are you?

Mom, you still have to take me to Chloe's house on Saturday.

Mom, this is child abandonment.

We're like orphans now! (door slams)

FXX presents You're the Worst.

(snoring)

(distant siren wailing)

(dog barking in distance)

(snoring continues)

Oh...

Morning, Jimmy.

I know you're asleep,

but I just wanted to say our talk last night really...

(Jimmy snoring)

It really was just... so unexpected.

And I know we didn't say anything,

-but this morning I'm feeling... -(snoring loudly)

Okay! Never mind.

*

LINDSAY: What are you smiling about over there,

like some sort of gooneybird?

Jimmy and I fell asleep on the phone last night.

Awesome. So, do you think we'll be in the same homeroom

together next year?

I know. It was just really... nice.

Does that mean you're back riding that yogurt tube?

I don't know.

We'll see, I guess.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

I'm not really a "do something about stuff" kind of person.

I'm more of a "it's too late to buy a wedding gift,

so I'll just stop being friends with them" kind of person.

Cool. Well, that story finished dumb.

Anyway.

It all ends today, Gretch.

Becca ruined my life, and she needs to know

how much damage she's caused me.

And then I'm gonna punch that stupid bitch

in her stupid bitch face.

Ooh, I should probably take these off.

Hooker fights dirty.

GRETCHEN: Okay, let me just press record.

Before you hit her, I'm gonna yell, "Worldstar."

Oh, wait. Is it after?

We'll shoot it both ways.

Lindsay!

Mom?

Worldstar!

*

* I'm gonna leave you anyway

* I'm gonna leave you anyway *

* Gonna leave you anyway.

PARROT (on TV): Rest in peace, Penny the Penguin.

I never thought you'd jump.

PARROT 2: She finally flew. If only for one or two seconds.

Dude, are you sure Birds is for kids?

That's the second suicide

and they haven't even left the island yet.

When Doug assigned us to parody this movie, I don't think

-he realized how depressing it is. -(door closes)

Well, I have some highly exciting news.

The Width of a Peach is a bestseller!

It is number seven on Amazon's Erotica list,

number five on Amazon's Erotica

subcategory Historical Romance list,

and number one on Amazon's Erotica subcategory

Historical Romance subcategories: World War II,

UK and Family Fun.

That is so great!

I really hope you allow yourself to enjoy this special time.

Oh, Jimmy.

This is Max.

We're co-writers at Doug Loves Sketches.

-Bro, you missed a sick party here last night. -(laughs)

Yeah, I-I wouldn't call it a party.

It was more like a meeting.

With balloons.

Oh, stop. I know all about it.

I talked to Gretchen on the phone last night.

It was just like old times. Easy. Natural.

We caught up, we joked about the many hilarious tragic ends

which may have befallen Killian.

And then, we fell asleep on the phone together.

Like lovers.

I don't want to get ahead of myself,

Edgar and other person, but...

I think the door is opening.

You have to tell him.

I don't want to tell him.

-Bro. -Bro.

-Bro? -Bro.

-Bro. -Bro!

Tell me what?

Gretchen brought Boone to the party last night.

Oh.

And his daughter Olivia. So cute.

Wise, you know? How some kids just look wise?

Like, there's something in their eyes that lets you know

they get it, man.

Like, you can just rap to them, like people, you know?

What?

Hey, where's your friend?

So, when my agent called about the role

on ABC's Man in the Middle, I was so excited.

You know, I'm playing a grandmother,

which is a wink-wink to the audience, of course,

because as if that were possible.

(laughing)

Oh. Hello, Lindsay.

Did your apartment get taken over by pigeons again?

Thanks for telling me Mom was coming.

Of course she would visit Tallulah, my baby,

-that I actually had. -(Tallulah cries)

VERNON: Hey, can someone take her for a little while?

I'm doing an all-night shift

and I'm running on fumes.

I got these pills they use to wake people up from comas,

but now I can hear my blinks.

Hey! I had her, you watch her. That was the deal.

Besides, my mommy's visiting me.

Oh, you know, that reminds me...

Vernon, I received a welcome bag from the show,

and I thought you might want this.

A real-life Bluetooth speaker! No way!

So sick!

Hope you like Sublime.

Mommy, I'm so happy you're here.

Guess what I'm doing now.

-I... -Sometimes when I just look around

at the life I've made,

my husband, my baby, my beautiful house...

Your total estimated worth of zero dollars.

Your associate's degree in fitness.

VERNON: (whoops) This kid just dropped a major dook.

I am talking a post Homestyle Buffet widowmaker.

-Oh. -Oh, my... -Mom, I'm a stylist now.

I read a really long book.

I bought a new underwear.

I have a gay friend.

-I tricked a dog! -Girls!

Girls, you don't have to compete for my attention.

I'm never gonna tell you which one I like better.

(all laughing)

Oh, you haven't seen the nursery yet.

I am your favorite, though, right?

Let's just go.

You can't just let her win.

This is important to you.

Plus I didn't get my Worldstar video.

You're doing this.

Thanks, Gretch.

-(phone rings) -You've always been such a good...

Hey! What's up?

Ooh. Really? (giggles)

Yeah.

Camping sounds fun.

Um, let me just check my schedule.

Okay. Bye.

(sighs)

Faye's the best, isn't she?

Did you check out that dope speaker she gaffled for me?

Seriously, how effing cool is she?

Calm down. You're sweating.

Sorry.

I've had a major bone for Faye Cottumaccio

since her old Cinemax movies.

Then I discovered Bec has these old home vids.

Faye looks so hot in them.

You want to check one out?

What's up? I'm getting kind of de-cranked by your bummer vibes.

Apparently Olivia is begging for me to go camping with them.

I told Boone we could go down a road.

And now we are, and I'm just not sure it's the right move for me.

Duck him. When I get a code blue and I don't want to go,

I just fake diarrhea and hide in the morgue.

Or... I could let the universe decide for me,

that way nothing's ever my fault?

Look, it sucks, but more often than not,

the key to interpersonal bullroar is simple:

you need to communicate with the other dingus.

(sighs) You're right.

I'm just gonna talk to Boone face-to-face and tell him

I'm not ready for this.

My titty-sucking therapist told me

I should be honest with my feelings.

Yes, this like how I keep telling everyone

how dangerously exhausted I am, so that eventually someone...

Yeah, I'm just gonna text him.

PARROT: I told you, I don't want to talk about Penny

the Penguin anymore-- she went to the aviary in the sky

I just want to get this straight.

Gretchen has the nerve to bring that geriatric

and his filthy spawn into my home and then call me to chat?!

Like lovers?

Fam, Fam, what you need to do

is get your mind off this girl

and just get out there and bang someone, Fam.

Yeah, maybe that works for a bro-y man-child like yourself,

but I am a novelist,

and an empath,

thus, have a heightened sensitivity

to the pain of others.

If I were to use someone and make them feel bad,

that, in turn, would make me feel bad.

Why would you make her feel bad?

Two people can want something

from each other, and both get it,

-and part ways happy. -(sputters)

That's ridiculous.

Happiness is a finite commodity.

You have to steal it from people.

And I'm just... I'm not the kind of person

who would mistreat someone like that.

Edgar! Can you blow your nose or something?

There's a faint whistle every time you breathe.

A faint whistle every time I breathe?

Listen, find a girl who's down and out,

take her for a fancy meal and a little compelling conversation,

and then drop some ropes on her face.

You get laid, she learns what truffle fries are.

Well...

there is someone I know who fits that bill.

-Katherine. -Mm.

She was the saddest girl in Manchester.

She moved to L.A. only to work as a waitress

at The Fox and Hounds.

Bro, you take her to République,

my boy Eli will hook you up with that dank sparkling rosé.

Or better yet, invite her here and wow her

with my architecturally significant house,

that also contains-- what?

A bed!

For dropping the aforementioned ropes.

Great! So, when next I come upstairs,

-you two will be gone. -Ah, but we have to finish

this movie for work.

I don't care. Go to... his.

Ooh, can't. I ordered a bunch of oysters off Amazon

and forget them in my mud room, so...

Well, then go... go watch at Lindsay's.

(gasps) She does have tons of boxed mac and cheese.

Macki and cheesy! Yum town!

-Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom. -(laughs)

Does anyone actually find that endearing?

I cannot imagine so.

No.

PARROT: After Penny died, things were never

the same between me and Alan.

I always said I'd call him tomorrow-- who knew that one day

tomorrow would be the day he got sucked into a jet engine?

-(several sobbing on TV) -(sighs heavily)

Well, it's gonna be tough to make this one into a ride.

(knocking at door)

Yes! I'm starving.

Edgar?

-R... -Yeah, buddy!

Comida Argentina, por favor. Mi mas gusta.

Oh, thanks a lot.

(mumbles)

It's nice to see you, Ricky.

What was that about? Pretending you don't know me?

I helped you bury that camel.

Oh, i-it's just that I... I don't tell everyone right off

about my combat experience.

They-they see you in a certain way.

-Oh, yeah. -Not that I wouldn't. He's a really cool guy.

No, no, no, I get it. Mm, you don't want him

to see you like some messed-up vet.

Oh...

Like me.

No.

No, Ricky, I...

(sighs)

-Mmm...! -Delivery foul.

Dude forgot your chimichurri for your steak.

Aw, no, it's okay. I don't need it.

Bro, it's his job, okay? I got this.

(soft, romantic music playing)

(knocking at door)

Katherine.

Wow. You look shockingly presentable.

Um, thanks. Good to see you.

Please, come in.

*

KATHERINE: Oh.

I know what you're going to ask.

Who designed this breathtaking home?

It's a Schindler, actually.

It's very quaint.

You know, I hesitated to call you,

but as I was recently reminded,

there is nothing wrong with two people going into something

eyes wide open, each wanting to get something out of it.

-Okay. -Even if one person

demonstrably has far less to offer than the other.

-That makes sense. -I've prepared

some of my favorite hors d'oeuvres for us.

This here...

duck pâté.

Don't ask what it is; just enjoy it.

-(chuckles) -Are you thirsty? Would you like a drink?

I'd like you to try a very special scotch.

It's called Laga-vul-in.

16, as in that is how old this is.

Sorry, I just can't do Lagavulin anymore.

Do you have any Japanese single malts? Like Hibiki 21?

Kendrick Lamar introduced me to it when I was doing

the deal for his line of bulletproof hats.

Wait. (snickers) Hold on. What's happening?

I thought... I thought you worked at The Fox and Hounds.

Uh, when I was 22.

But you know I'm an entertainment lawyer now?

Come on, Jimmy.

You can tell me.

Whose house is this?

-This is my home. -Okay. How much do you need?

You're not the first person from home to call me out of the blue

and hit me up for money.

No, I...

I don't need money.

I'm a... I'm a bestselling novelist.

You don't know?

Well, then I'm not that much higher status than you.

How are you higher status than me?!

(laughs): Oh!

Jimmy, you chav!

(laughing)

Hey. What was that name we used to call you back home?

Oh, oh, I remember-- Mouse Boy and Jizz Magnet.

What was the other one?

Shitty Jimmy.

(laughing): That was it. Shitty Jimmy!

(gasps) Oh, my God,

I can still remember the song.

* Shitty Jimmy

* Look at Shitty Jimmy

* Shitty Jimmy with his little shitty... *

Wha...? * With his little shitty

* Little, li... What was it? Come on.

Come on, what was it? Come on.

* With his little shitty face.

Yes! * With his little shitty face. *

Ha! Shitty Jimmy!

* Shitty Jimmy with his little shitty face, whoo! *

Okay, I texted him. "Hey. I'm just not sure

I'm ready for camping. Hope that's okay."

Look at you-- telling someone what you need.

(electronic chiming)

Yeah, that'd be fine.

BECCA (laughs): And I was like, "Sorry you got triggered

Snowflakes. Go back to your 'safe space.'"

Look, Mommy.

An important Los Angeles magazine did a piece

on my boss, Priscilla, and you could see me in the background

with some work friends.

(laughs) "Friends"?

That's why not of them showed up at your divorce party.

FAYE: Well, that's rude.

I've been hundreds of parties

for people I don't like.

Bob Baliban. Heather Locklear.

-(sighs): Ooh. -Stevie Wonder.

He can see, you know.

FAYE: Okay. I have to go

-get ready for Piloxing. -Oh!

(laughs)

Listen, you backstabbing suck-butt,

my entire life you have been nothing

but a source of underminery and hurtful, bitchy faces.

-Oh... -I am not a real person,

and it's all your fault.

So, Becca,

my only sister...

we are officially through.

You're... seriously gonna stand there,

probably softly farting as usual, and blame me

for your life being an actual 9/11?

I had the same challenges growing up, and look at me.

I'm living in a real house with real friends

who aren't disgusting monsters...

Hey!

...and I'm married to a successful doctor.

Blame me for your life? Uh-uh.

Sorry, peaches.

You can try and blame other people,

but, like the actual 9/11, you did it to yourself.

(gasps)

Ow!

(grunts)

Oh, you want a titty twist?

I'll show you a titty twist!

Ow!

-You don't want none of this! -I'm the titty twist champion!

Bitch, I will spray your milk all over this goddamn room!

Give me a tit, and I'll twist it raw!

-It's gonna be like a dairy. -FAYE: Girls.

-(shouting continues) -Girls!

Shit, shit, shit! Don't stop yet!

FAYE (over speaker): Well, Officer, if you're gonna

search the place, I suggest you start

under my sweater.

-(sultry music playing) -(Faye laughing)

Am I talking?

Vernon!

Oh, shit!

Vernon, your dumb speaker is

blasting filth all over the house!

-Turn that off! -(Faye moaning over video)

Is that...

Mommy?!

G-Get out of here!

Jesus, I'm busy! I'm...

(gasps) Oh, man, them boobies.

(moaning loudly)

(Lindsay laughing)

(grunts, groans)

(Lindsay laughing)

Worldstar!

Okay. I'm off to Equinox.

I just wanted Mom to think I had everything figured out.

I didn't want her to know that we have no money!

And that I'm married to a talking penis in a clown wig!

(sobbing)

My life is shit.

(sobbing)

Why do you think I go through a c...

a case of Kendall-Jackson a week?

(sniffles)

(sobbing)

We're both messed up.

Who's L.D.P.?

(laughs) Lou Diamond Phillips.

He played La Bamba.

Mom dated him for, like, three years.

He was the best.

La Bamba?

(Young Faye laughs in video)

YOUNG FAYE (on TV): I can't get this bikini to stay on.

Aftershock.

Okay, well, how about if two pelicans agree

to fill their beaks with rocks and jump into the ocean?

That's not a parody.

They actually did that in the movie.

(knocking at door)

It's open!

Hope this is really delicious.

I had to pass up three gigs to come back.

Thanks for that.

Sorry.

Hey, did you know me and Edgar served in Iraq together?

Oh, yeah.

Apparently he's real embarrassed

for people to know that he's a vet.

I guess he thinks he's better than me.

But he ain't shit.

Never was.

You know what?

Why don't you come over here

and spread this chimichurri sauce on my steak for me?

(scoffs)

Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.

(laughs) You spread

that chimichurri on my steak,

this 50 is yours and you get a five star rating.

You don't...

you get nothing and I give you one star.

I don't care either way,

'cause 50 bucks don't mean shit to me.

Oh, damn.

Uh... mm.

(children shouting in video)

(children laughing)

Tag, you're it!

-(clears throat) -Mom!

YOUNG FAYE (on TV): Kids, please, please,

get out of the frame, kids.

Get out of the frame, kids!

Thanks. (clears throat)

Faye Cottumaccio reading for the role of Marsha.

Mr. Belvedere, did the agency send you?

Have you guys noticed a pattern?

It was the '80s, Gretch.

You put some triangles and squiggly lines on a shirt

and called it fashion.

(Lindsay chuckles)

Your mother is completely

neglecting you in all these tapes.

-Mom! Mom! -GRETCHEN: She doesn't give a shit

about anything you're doing.

-Holy shit. -You're right.

It's Mom's fault you turned out to be a giant toddler with boobs

and I drink a touch too much here and there.

I am sorry, Becca.

Me, too.

We should tell her we're the ones who need a break from her.

BECCA: What's the point?

She'll just start crying and tell us how she got the clap

from the sound guy on Trapper John, M.D.

Bec.

-Wha...? -The only way our lives

are going to get fixed is if we fix them ourselves.

You're right.

She is.

Yo, do you guys mind leaving for a bit?

I need some sleep.

I closed my eyes to sneeze a little while ago

and I woke up eight minutes later.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

(Katherine laughing)

What about when we locked you in the school basement

and we wouldn't let you out

until you put your little willy through the keyhole?

(Katherine laughs)

It was so tiny.

-Well, it's not anymore. -(laughing)

It's bigger now.

And guess what?

You just blew your chance at ever seeing it.

Oh! Oh, Jimmy!

Did you think we might shag? (laughs)

All right.

That's it! I think we're done here.

This was a complete waste of time.

I got nothing out of this utter debacle!

Me, neither.

Do you promise it got bigger?

(moaning, grunting)

(faint grunting)

* She was a shark smile in a yellow van *

* She came around and I stole a glance *

* In my youth, a vampire

* Evelyn shown quiet as roses sting *

* It came over me at a bad time... *

Damn it.

* But who wouldn't ride on a moonlit line? *

* Had her in my eye

* 85 down the road of a dead-end gleam *

* And she said, "Woo"...

Seriously, what is wrong with me?

(panting)

* And I said, "Woo"

* Baby, take me, too

* It came over her at a bad time *

* Riding through Winona down the dotted line *

* Held us gunning out

* 90 miles down the road of a dead-end dream *

* She looked over with a part smile... *

(dog barks)

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.or g

Hey, fellas.

I'm on antidepressants, so I won't even cry after.

(eerie whistling)

(gasping)

(whistling continues)

(various people whistling, overlapping)

(metal scraping) (screams)

ANNOUNCER: American Horror Story: Cult.

All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.

I have to eat this onion?

-Honey, trust me. -(sighs)

Your mom knows. It's time for you to learn these secrets.

-How does this help? -It doesn't. Ha!

ANNOUNCER: Better Things. Oh, my God.

All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.

(waves crashing)

(seagulls squawking)

(wind blowing)