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1
00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:02,270
I don't get
what your problem is.
2
00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:03,804
Mom, you're not serious,
are you?
3
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,174
Mom, you still have to
take me to Chloe's house
on Saturday.
4
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,875
Mom, this is
child abandonment.
5
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,478
We're like orphans now!
(door slams)
6
00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:16,784
FXX presents You're the Worst.
7
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,722
(snoring)
8
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,197
(distant siren wailing)
9
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,599
(dog barking in distance)
10
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,741
(snoring continues)
11
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,545
Oh...
12
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,848
Morning, Jimmy.
13
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,251
I know you're asleep,
14
00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:53,454
but I just wanted to say
our talk last night really...
15
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:54,822
(Jimmy snoring)
16
00:00:54,855 --> 00:01:00,628
It really was just...
so unexpected.
17
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,430
And I know we didn't
say anything,
18
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,266
-but this morning I'm feeling...
-(snoring loudly)
19
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,967
Okay! Never mind.
20
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,305
*
21
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:17,044
LINDSAY: What are you
smiling about over there,
22
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,147
like some sort of gooneybird?
23
00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:22,650
Jimmy and I fell asleep
on the phone last night.
24
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,486
Awesome. So, do you think we'll
be in the same homeroom
25
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,321
together next year?
26
00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:31,058
I know.
It was just really... nice.
27
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,328
Does that mean you're back
riding that yogurt tube?
28
00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:35,563
I don't know.
29
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,498
We'll see, I guess.
30
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,333
Well, what are you going
to do about it?
31
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,769
I'm not really a "do something
about stuff" kind of person.
32
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,971
I'm more of a "it's too late
to buy a wedding gift,
33
00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:45,973
so I'll just stop being friends
with them" kind of person.
34
00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:48,176
Cool. Well, that story
finished dumb.
35
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,144
Anyway.
36
00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:52,413
It all ends today, Gretch.
37
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:55,716
Becca ruined my life,
and she needs to know
38
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,218
how much damage she's caused me.
39
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,820
And then I'm gonna punch
that stupid bitch
40
00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,855
in her stupid bitch face.
41
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,424
Ooh, I should probably
take these off.
42
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,925
Hooker fights dirty.
43
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,994
GRETCHEN:
Okay, let me just press record.
44
00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,197
Before you hit her,
I'm gonna yell, "Worldstar."
45
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:10,631
Oh, wait. Is it after?
46
00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,065
We'll shoot it both ways.
47
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,805
Lindsay!
48
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,173
Mom?
49
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,180
Worldstar!
50
00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,051
*
51
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:37,258
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
52
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,328
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
53
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,762
* Gonna leave you anyway.
54
00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:49,970
PARROT (on TV): Rest in peace,
Penny the Penguin.
55
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,739
I never thought you'd jump.
56
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:55,709
PARROT 2: She finally flew.
If only for one or two seconds.
57
00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:58,779
Dude, are you sure Birds
is for kids?
58
00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:00,781
That's the second suicide
59
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,217
and they haven't even
left the island yet.
60
00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:06,153
When Doug assigned us to parody
this movie, I don't think
61
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,055
-he realized how depressing
it is. -(door closes)
62
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:11,725
Well, I have some
highly exciting news.
63
00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:15,996
The Width of a Peach
is a bestseller!
64
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:20,167
It is number seven
on Amazon's Erotica list,
65
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,403
number five on Amazon's Erotica
66
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:25,172
subcategory
Historical Romance list,
67
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:29,076
and number one on Amazon's
Erotica subcategory
68
00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,479
Historical Romance
subcategories: World War II,
69
00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,614
UK and Family Fun.
70
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,183
That is so great!
71
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,287
I really hope you allow yourself
to enjoy this special time.
72
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,423
Oh, Jimmy.
73
00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:43,891
This is Max.
74
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,626
We're co-writers
at Doug Loves Sketches.
75
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:49,463
-Bro, you missed a sick party
here last night. -(laughs)
76
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,765
Yeah, I-I wouldn't
call it a party.
77
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:54,835
It was more like a meeting.
78
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,237
With balloons.
79
00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:58,772
Oh, stop.
I know all about it.
80
00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,275
I talked to Gretchen
on the phone last night.
81
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:05,045
It was just like old times.
Easy. Natural.
82
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,616
We caught up, we joked about
the many hilarious tragic ends
83
00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,217
which may have befallen Killian.
84
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:15,356
And then, we fell asleep
on the phone together.
85
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:17,325
Like lovers.
86
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:18,659
I don't want to
get ahead of myself,
87
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,861
Edgar and other person, but...
88
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,464
I think the door is opening.
89
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,334
You have to tell him.
90
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,435
I don't want to tell him.
91
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,136
-Bro.
-Bro.
92
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,304
-Bro?
-Bro.
93
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:31,639
-Bro.
-Bro!
94
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:32,973
Tell me what?
95
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,778
Gretchen brought Boone
to the party last night.
96
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,482
Oh.
97
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:44,785
And his daughter Olivia.
So cute.
98
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,688
Wise, you know?
How some kids just look wise?
99
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:51,492
Like, there's something in
their eyes that lets you know
100
00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,327
they get it, man.
101
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:56,330
Like, you can just rap to them,
like people, you know?
102
00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:58,866
What?
103
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,769
Hey, where's your friend?
104
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,271
So, when my agent called
about the role
105
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,908
on ABC's Man in the Middle,
I was so excited.
106
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:10,310
You know,
I'm playing a grandmother,
107
00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,279
which is a wink-wink
to the audience, of course,
108
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,815
because as if
that were possible.
109
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,884
(laughing)
110
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,852
Oh. Hello, Lindsay.
111
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:22,322
Did your apartment get
taken over by pigeons again?
112
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:23,991
Thanks for telling me
Mom was coming.
113
00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:27,060
Of course she would visit
Tallulah, my baby,
114
00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:29,530
-that I actually had.
-(Tallulah cries)
115
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,131
VERNON: Hey, can someone
take her for a little while?
116
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,400
I'm doing an all-night shift
117
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,334
and I'm running on fumes.
118
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:37,371
I got these pills they use
to wake people up from comas,
119
00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,106
but now I can hear my blinks.
120
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,909
Hey! I had her, you watch her.
That was the deal.
121
00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:45,413
Besides, my mommy's visiting me.
122
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,647
Oh, you know, that reminds me...
123
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:51,452
Vernon, I received a welcome bag
from the show,
124
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,854
and I thought you might
want this.
125
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:57,090
A real-life Bluetooth speaker!
No way!
126
00:05:57,124 --> 00:05:58,559
So sick!
127
00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:01,128
Hope you like Sublime.
128
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:03,631
Mommy, I'm so happy you're here.
129
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:06,266
Guess what I'm doing now.
130
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,335
-I... -Sometimes
when I just look around
131
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,770
at the life I've made,
132
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:13,841
my husband, my baby,
my beautiful house...
133
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,076
Your total estimated worth
of zero dollars.
134
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,245
Your associate's degree
in fitness.
135
00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:20,581
VERNON: (whoops) This kid
just dropped a major dook.
136
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,616
I am talking a post
Homestyle Buffet widowmaker.
137
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:27,054
-Oh. -Oh, my...
-Mom, I'm a stylist now.
138
00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,589
I read a really long book.
139
00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:29,990
I bought a new underwear.
140
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,191
I have a gay friend.
141
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,694
-I tricked a dog!
-Girls!
142
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:37,865
Girls, you don't have to compete
for my attention.
143
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,668
I'm never gonna tell you
which one I like better.
144
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,302
(all laughing)
145
00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:46,139
Oh, you haven't seen
the nursery yet.
146
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,043
I am your favorite,
though, right?
147
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,515
Let's just go.
148
00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:58,085
You can't just let her win.
149
00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,220
This is important to you.
150
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,523
Plus I didn't get
my Worldstar video.
151
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,892
You're doing this.
152
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,894
Thanks, Gretch.
153
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,929
-(phone rings) -You've always
been such a good...
154
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:12,165
Hey! What's up?
155
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:15,936
Ooh. Really?
(giggles)
156
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,404
Yeah.
157
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,839
Camping sounds fun.
158
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,542
Um, let me just
check my schedule.
159
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,777
Okay. Bye.
160
00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,718
(sighs)
161
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:33,487
Faye's the best, isn't she?
162
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,923
Did you check out that dope
speaker she gaffled for me?
163
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,959
Seriously,
how effing cool is she?
164
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,460
Calm down. You're sweating.
165
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:41,995
Sorry.
166
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,331
I've had a major bone
for Faye Cottumaccio
167
00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:45,999
since her old Cinemax movies.
168
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:49,937
Then I discovered
Bec has these old home vids.
169
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,204
Faye looks so hot in them.
170
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,506
You want to check one out?
171
00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:59,179
What's up? I'm getting kind of
de-cranked by your bummer vibes.
172
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:05,352
Apparently Olivia is begging
for me to go camping with them.
173
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,254
I told Boone
we could go down a road.
174
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,990
And now we are, and I'm just not
sure it's the right move for me.
175
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,392
Duck him. When I get a code blue
and I don't want to go,
176
00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,494
I just fake diarrhea
and hide in the morgue.
177
00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:18,398
Or... I could let the universe
decide for me,
178
00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,467
that way nothing's
ever my fault?
179
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,703
Look, it sucks,
but more often than not,
180
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:25,405
the key to interpersonal
bullroar is simple:
181
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,975
you need to communicate
with the other dingus.
182
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,543
(sighs)
You're right.
183
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,879
I'm just gonna talk to Boone
face-to-face and tell him
184
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,681
I'm not ready for this.
185
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,816
My titty-sucking therapist
told me
186
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,417
I should be honest
with my feelings.
187
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:39,720
Yes, this like
how I keep telling everyone
188
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:43,056
how dangerously exhausted I am,
so that eventually someone...
189
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,457
Yeah, I'm just gonna text him.
190
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,201
PARROT: I told you, I don't want
to talk about Penny
191
00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,803
the Penguin anymore-- she went
to the aviary in the sky
192
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,305
I just want
to get this straight.
193
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:01,274
Gretchen has the nerve
to bring that geriatric
194
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:06,246
and his filthy spawn into my
home and then call me to chat?!
195
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,648
Like lovers?
196
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,216
Fam, Fam, what you need to do
197
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,051
is get your mind off this girl
198
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,520
and just get out there
and bang someone, Fam.
199
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,725
Yeah, maybe that works for
a bro-y man-child like yourself,
200
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:20,127
but I am a novelist,
201
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,962
and an empath,
202
00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,297
thus, have
a heightened sensitivity
203
00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,966
to the pain of others.
204
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:29,169
If I were to use someone
and make them feel bad,
205
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,039
that, in turn,
would make me feel bad.
206
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,374
Why would you make her feel bad?
207
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,809
Two people can want something
208
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,144
from each other,
and both get it,
209
00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,880
-and part ways happy.
-(sputters)
210
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,082
That's ridiculous.
211
00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:46,053
Happiness is a finite commodity.
212
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,988
You have to steal it
from people.
213
00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,190
And I'm just...
I'm not the kind of person
214
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:51,759
who would mistreat someone
like that.
215
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,294
Edgar! Can you blow your nose
or something?
216
00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,563
There's a faint whistle
every time you breathe.
217
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,666
A faint whistle every time
I breathe?
218
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,600
Listen, find a girl
who's down and out,
219
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:04,137
take her for a fancy meal and a
little compelling conversation,
220
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:06,707
and then drop some ropes
on her face.
221
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:09,677
You get laid, she learns
what truffle fries are.
222
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,411
Well...
223
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,381
there is someone I know
who fits that bill.
224
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,483
-Katherine.
-Mm.
225
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:19,286
She was the saddest girl
in Manchester.
226
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,655
She moved to L.A.
only to work as a waitress
227
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:22,990
at The Fox and Hounds.
228
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,125
Bro, you take her to République,
229
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:28,996
my boy Eli will hook you up
with that dank sparkling rosé.
230
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:33,366
Or better yet,
invite her here and wow her
231
00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,602
with my architecturally
significant house,
232
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,838
that also contains-- what?
233
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,173
A bed!
234
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,609
For dropping
the aforementioned ropes.
235
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,812
Great! So, when next
I come upstairs,
236
00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,447
-you two will be gone.
-Ah, but we have to finish
237
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,649
this movie for work.
238
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,519
I don't care.
Go to... his.
239
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,955
Ooh, can't. I ordered
a bunch of oysters off Amazon
240
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,891
and forget them
in my mud room, so...
241
00:10:57,925 --> 00:10:59,893
Well, then go...
go watch at Lindsay's.
242
00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,629
(gasps) She does have tons
of boxed mac and cheese.
243
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,264
Macki and cheesy! Yum town!
244
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,066
-Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
-(laughs)
245
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,036
Does anyone actually
find that endearing?
246
00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,904
I cannot imagine so.
247
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:12,205
No.
248
00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,709
PARROT: After Penny died,
things were never
249
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,444
the same between me and Alan.
250
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,980
I always said I'd call him
tomorrow-- who knew that one day
251
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,850
tomorrow would be the day
he got sucked into a jet engine?
252
00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,752
-(several sobbing on TV)
-(sighs heavily)
253
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,755
Well, it's gonna be tough
to make this one into a ride.
254
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,156
(knocking at door)
255
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,690
Yes! I'm starving.
256
00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,560
Edgar?
257
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:35,195
-R...
-Yeah, buddy!
258
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,697
Comida Argentina, por favor.
Mi mas gusta.
259
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,332
Oh, thanks a lot.
260
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,970
(mumbles)
261
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:44,805
It's nice to see you, Ricky.
262
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,574
What was that about?
Pretending you don't know me?
263
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,476
I helped you bury that camel.
264
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,012
Oh, i-it's just that I...
I don't tell everyone right off
265
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,446
about my combat experience.
266
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,248
They-they see you
in a certain way.
267
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,617
-Oh, yeah. -Not that I wouldn't.
He's a really cool guy.
268
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,487
No, no, no, I get it.
Mm, you don't want him
269
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,255
to see you
like some messed-up vet.
270
00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,456
Oh...
271
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,825
Like me.
272
00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,093
No.
273
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:09,729
No, Ricky, I...
274
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:11,531
(sighs)
275
00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:14,835
-Mmm...!
-Delivery foul.
276
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:17,704
Dude forgot your chimichurri
for your steak.
277
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,973
Aw, no, it's okay.
I don't need it.
278
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,009
Bro, it's his job, okay?
I got this.
279
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:27,480
(soft, romantic music playing)
280
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,682
(knocking at door)
281
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,352
Katherine.
282
00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:35,322
Wow. You look
shockingly presentable.
283
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,958
Um, thanks. Good to see you.
284
00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,659
Please, come in.
285
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,361
*
286
00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:42,762
KATHERINE:
Oh.
287
00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:45,665
I know what you're going to ask.
288
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,836
Who designed
this breathtaking home?
289
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:52,039
It's a Schindler, actually.
290
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:53,740
It's very quaint.
291
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,176
You know,
I hesitated to call you,
292
00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,979
but as I was recently reminded,
293
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,748
there is nothing wrong with
two people going into something
294
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,952
eyes wide open, each wanting
to get something out of it.
295
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,287
-Okay.
-Even if one person
296
00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,023
demonstrably has far less
to offer than the other.
297
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,658
-That makes sense.
-I've prepared
298
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:15,162
some of my favorite
hors d'oeuvres for us.
299
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,830
This here...
300
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,398
duck pâté.
301
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,333
Don't ask what it is;
just enjoy it.
302
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,103
-(chuckles) -Are you thirsty?
Would you like a drink?
303
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:27,774
I'd like you to try
a very special scotch.
304
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:31,278
It's called Laga-vul-in.
305
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,781
16, as in
that is how old this is.
306
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,816
Sorry, I just can't do
Lagavulin anymore.
307
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:40,187
Do you have any Japanese
single malts? Like Hibiki 21?
308
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,555
Kendrick Lamar introduced me
to it when I was doing
309
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,324
the deal for his line
of bulletproof hats.
310
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:47,027
Wait. (snickers)
Hold on. What's happening?
311
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,097
I thought... I thought you
worked at The Fox and Hounds.
312
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,731
Uh, when I was 22.
313
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,833
But you know I'm
an entertainment lawyer now?
314
00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,802
Come on, Jimmy.
315
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,537
You can tell me.
316
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,439
Whose house is this?
317
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:03,110
-This is my home.
-Okay. How much do you need?
318
00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,946
You're not the first person from
home to call me out of the blue
319
00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,380
and hit me up for money.
320
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,016
No, I...
321
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,952
I don't need money.
322
00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:14,754
I'm a...
I'm a bestselling novelist.
323
00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:16,456
You don't know?
324
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:18,825
Well, then I'm not that much
higher status than you.
325
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,128
How are you
higher status than me?!
326
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,563
(laughs):
Oh!
327
00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:26,866
Jimmy, you chav!
328
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,168
(laughing)
329
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:33,406
Hey. What was that name
we used to call you back home?
330
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,976
Oh, oh, I remember--
Mouse Boy and Jizz Magnet.
331
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:38,378
What was the other one?
332
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,846
Shitty Jimmy.
333
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,249
(laughing):
That was it. Shitty Jimmy!
334
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,850
(gasps)
Oh, my God,
335
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,418
I can still remember the song.
336
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,187
* Shitty Jimmy
337
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,788
* Look at Shitty Jimmy
338
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:51,491
* Shitty Jimmy
with his little shitty... *
339
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,060
Wha...?
* With his little shitty
340
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,594
* Little, li...
What was it? Come on.
341
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,196
Come on, what was it? Come on.
342
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,198
* With his little shitty face.
343
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,934
Yes! * With his
little shitty face. *
344
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:04,137
Ha! Shitty Jimmy!
345
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,339
* Shitty Jimmy with his
little shitty face, whoo! *
346
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:13,780
Okay, I texted him.
"Hey. I'm just not sure
347
00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:16,416
I'm ready for camping.
Hope that's okay."
348
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:19,386
Look at you--
telling someone what you need.
349
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,021
(electronic chiming)
350
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,092
Yeah, that'd be fine.
351
00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,727
BECCA (laughs): And I was like,
"Sorry you got triggered
352
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,164
Snowflakes.
Go back to your 'safe space.'"
353
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,732
Look, Mommy.
354
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,802
An important Los Angeles
magazine did a piece
355
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:38,171
on my boss, Priscilla, and you
could see me in the background
356
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,472
with some work friends.
357
00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:41,208
(laughs)
"Friends"?
358
00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,610
That's why not of them showed up
at your divorce party.
359
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:44,944
FAYE:
Well, that's rude.
360
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,113
I've been hundreds of parties
361
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,314
for people I don't like.
362
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:48,681
Bob Baliban. Heather Locklear.
363
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,984
-(sighs): Ooh.
-Stevie Wonder.
364
00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,252
He can see, you know.
365
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,686
FAYE:
Okay. I have to go
366
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,655
-get ready for Piloxing.
-Oh!
367
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,490
(laughs)
368
00:15:57,524 --> 00:16:01,228
Listen, you
backstabbing suck-butt,
369
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,663
my entire life
you have been nothing
370
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,700
but a source of underminery
and hurtful, bitchy faces.
371
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:09,569
-Oh...
-I am not a real person,
372
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:10,837
and it's all your fault.
373
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,239
So, Becca,
374
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,074
my only sister...
375
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:16,376
we are officially through.
376
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:19,012
You're... seriously
gonna stand there,
377
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:23,216
probably softly farting
as usual, and blame me
378
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,585
for your life being
an actual 9/11?
379
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:28,721
I had the same challenges
growing up, and look at me.
380
00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:31,224
I'm living in a real house
with real friends
381
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:33,360
who aren't
disgusting monsters...
382
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:34,894
Hey!
383
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,663
...and I'm married
to a successful doctor.
384
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,998
Blame me for your life?
Uh-uh.
385
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,767
Sorry, peaches.
386
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,602
You can try and blame
other people,
387
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,673
but, like the actual 9/11,
you did it to yourself.
388
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:47,774
(gasps)
389
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,211
Ow!
390
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,279
(grunts)
391
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:54,381
Oh, you want a titty twist?
392
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:55,548
I'll show you a titty twist!
393
00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:56,583
Ow!
394
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,620
-You don't want none of this!
-I'm the titty twist champion!
395
00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,522
Bitch, I will spray your milk
all over this goddamn room!
396
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,091
Give me a tit,
and I'll twist it raw!
397
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,925
-It's gonna be like a dairy.
-FAYE: Girls.
398
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,628
-(shouting continues)
-Girls!
399
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,897
Shit, shit, shit!
Don't stop yet!
400
00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:12,399
FAYE (over speaker):
Well, Officer, if you're gonna
401
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,068
search the place,
I suggest you start
402
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,336
under my sweater.
403
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,037
-(sultry music playing)
-(Faye laughing)
404
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,073
Am I talking?
405
00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:23,110
Vernon!
406
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,577
Oh, shit!
407
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:27,647
Vernon, your dumb speaker is
408
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,416
blasting filth
all over the house!
409
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,118
-Turn that off!
-(Faye moaning over video)
410
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,119
Is that...
411
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,020
Mommy?!
412
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,021
G-Get out of here!
413
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,756
Jesus, I'm busy! I'm...
414
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:39,292
(gasps) Oh, man, them boobies.
415
00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,128
(moaning loudly)
416
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,196
(Lindsay laughing)
417
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:47,267
(grunts, groans)
418
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:49,136
(Lindsay laughing)
419
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,803
Worldstar!
420
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,373
Okay. I'm off to Equinox.
421
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:57,844
I just wanted Mom to think
I had everything figured out.
422
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,849
I didn't want her to know
that we have no money!
423
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:06,686
And that I'm married to
a talking penis in a clown wig!
424
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,022
(sobbing)
425
00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:17,330
My life is shit.
426
00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,065
(sobbing)
427
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,000
Why do you think
I go through a c...
428
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,102
a case of Kendall-Jackson
a week?
429
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,771
(sniffles)
430
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,806
(sobbing)
431
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:38,185
We're both messed up.
432
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,419
Who's L.D.P.?
433
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,088
(laughs)
Lou Diamond Phillips.
434
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,090
He played La Bamba.
435
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,992
Mom dated him
for, like, three years.
436
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:47,227
He was the best.
437
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,761
La Bamba?
438
00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,633
(Young Faye laughs in video)
439
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,635
YOUNG FAYE (on TV): I can't get
this bikini to stay on.
440
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,270
Aftershock.
441
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:09,115
Okay, well, how about
if two pelicans agree
442
00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,951
to fill their beaks with rocks
and jump into the ocean?
443
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,420
That's not a parody.
444
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,021
They actually did that
in the movie.
445
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,756
(knocking at door)
446
00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,758
It's open!
447
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,928
Hope this is really delicious.
448
00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:25,398
I had to pass up three gigs
to come back.
449
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,166
Thanks for that.
450
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,770
Sorry.
451
00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:34,641
Hey, did you know me and Edgar
served in Iraq together?
452
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,476
Oh, yeah.
453
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,910
Apparently he's real embarrassed
454
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:39,912
for people to know
that he's a vet.
455
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:43,182
I guess he thinks
he's better than me.
456
00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,817
But he ain't shit.
457
00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:48,521
Never was.
458
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:54,193
You know what?
459
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:55,928
Why don't you come over here
460
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,498
and spread this chimichurri
sauce on my steak for me?
461
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,468
(scoffs)
462
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:04,003
Yeah, that ain't gonna happen.
463
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,506
(laughs)
You spread
464
00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:10,310
that chimichurri on my steak,
465
00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:13,780
this 50 is yours and you get
a five star rating.
466
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,915
You don't...
467
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:19,452
you get nothing
and I give you one star.
468
00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:22,088
I don't care either way,
469
00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:24,991
'cause 50 bucks
don't mean shit to me.
470
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,826
Oh, damn.
471
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,263
Uh... mm.
472
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:07,300
(children shouting in video)
473
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,769
(children laughing)
474
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:14,774
Tag, you're it!
475
00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:17,043
-(clears throat)
-Mom!
476
00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,144
YOUNG FAYE (on TV):
Kids, please, please,
477
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,145
get out of the frame, kids.
478
00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:20,813
Get out of the frame, kids!
479
00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:22,248
Thanks.
(clears throat)
480
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:25,284
Faye Cottumaccio reading
for the role of Marsha.
481
00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:30,256
Mr. Belvedere,
did the agency send you?
482
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,891
Have you guys noticed a pattern?
483
00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:33,560
It was the '80s, Gretch.
484
00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:35,528
You put some triangles
and squiggly lines on a shirt
485
00:21:35,562 --> 00:21:37,163
and called it fashion.
486
00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:38,164
(Lindsay chuckles)
487
00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:39,799
Your mother is completely
488
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:41,601
neglecting you
in all these tapes.
489
00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:44,070
-Mom! Mom! -GRETCHEN: She
doesn't give a shit
490
00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:46,072
about anything you're doing.
491
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,911
-Holy shit.
-You're right.
492
00:21:51,944 --> 00:21:55,348
It's Mom's fault you turned out
to be a giant toddler with boobs
493
00:21:55,382 --> 00:21:57,917
and I drink a touch too much
here and there.
494
00:21:57,950 --> 00:22:00,086
I am sorry, Becca.
495
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,289
Me, too.
496
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,592
We should tell her we're the
ones who need a break from her.
497
00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:07,427
BECCA:
What's the point?
498
00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:10,129
She'll just start crying and
tell us how she got the clap
499
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,499
from the sound guy
on Trapper John, M.D.
500
00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:14,100
Bec.
501
00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:16,302
-Wha...?
-The only way our lives
502
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:19,539
are going to get fixed
is if we fix them ourselves.
503
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,745
You're right.
504
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,719
She is.
505
00:22:32,752 --> 00:22:35,121
Yo, do you guys mind leaving
for a bit?
506
00:22:35,154 --> 00:22:36,623
I need some sleep.
507
00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:38,725
I closed my eyes to sneeze
a little while ago
508
00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:41,461
and I woke up
eight minutes later.
509
00:22:41,494 --> 00:22:43,663
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
510
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:45,364
(Katherine laughing)
511
00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:47,467
What about when we locked you
in the school basement
512
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,068
and we wouldn't let you out
513
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:51,404
until you put your little willy
through the keyhole?
514
00:22:51,438 --> 00:22:53,039
(Katherine laughs)
515
00:22:53,072 --> 00:22:55,174
It was so tiny.
516
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:56,609
-Well, it's not anymore.
-(laughing)
517
00:22:56,643 --> 00:22:58,110
It's bigger now.
518
00:22:58,144 --> 00:22:59,646
And guess what?
519
00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:01,681
You just blew your chance
at ever seeing it.
520
00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,916
Oh! Oh, Jimmy!
521
00:23:03,950 --> 00:23:06,953
Did you think we might shag?
(laughs)
522
00:23:06,986 --> 00:23:09,355
All right.
523
00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,791
That's it!
I think we're done here.
524
00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:14,661
This was a complete waste
of time.
525
00:23:14,694 --> 00:23:17,296
I got nothing
out of this utter debacle!
526
00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:19,265
Me, neither.
527
00:23:19,298 --> 00:23:22,401
Do you promise it got bigger?
528
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:27,674
(moaning, grunting)
529
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:36,749
(faint grunting)
530
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:43,322
* She was a shark smile
in a yellow van *
531
00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:47,193
* She came around
and I stole a glance *
532
00:23:47,226 --> 00:23:49,295
* In my youth, a vampire
533
00:23:49,328 --> 00:23:53,733
* Evelyn shown quiet
as roses sting *
534
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:56,435
* It came over me
at a bad time... *
535
00:23:56,469 --> 00:23:59,205
Damn it.
536
00:23:59,238 --> 00:24:02,709
* But who wouldn't ride
on a moonlit line? *
537
00:24:02,742 --> 00:24:04,310
* Had her in my eye
538
00:24:04,343 --> 00:24:08,014
* 85 down the road
of a dead-end gleam *
539
00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:10,016
* And she said, "Woo"...
540
00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:12,819
Seriously,
what is wrong with me?
541
00:24:12,852 --> 00:24:16,222
(panting)
542
00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:18,190
* And I said, "Woo"
543
00:24:18,224 --> 00:24:23,530
* Baby, take me, too
544
00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:27,534
* It came over her
at a bad time *
545
00:24:27,567 --> 00:24:31,971
* Riding through Winona
down the dotted line *
546
00:24:32,004 --> 00:24:33,773
* Held us gunning out
547
00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:38,277
* 90 miles down the road
of a dead-end dream *
548
00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:42,248
* She looked over
with a part smile... *
549
00:24:42,281 --> 00:24:45,251
(dog barks)
550
00:24:45,284 --> 00:24:47,754
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
551
00:24:47,787 --> 00:24:50,256
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.or g
552
00:24:52,559 --> 00:24:53,993
Hey, fellas.
553
00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:56,663
I'm on antidepressants,
so I won't even cry after.
554
00:25:04,303 --> 00:25:08,407
(eerie whistling)
555
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,242
(gasping)
556
00:25:10,276 --> 00:25:11,510
(whistling continues)
557
00:25:11,544 --> 00:25:15,815
(various people whistling,
overlapping)
558
00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:17,984
(metal scraping)
(screams)
559
00:25:18,017 --> 00:25:20,419
ANNOUNCER:
American Horror Story: Cult.
560
00:25:20,452 --> 00:25:23,122
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
561
00:25:24,591 --> 00:25:26,525
I have to eat
this onion?
562
00:25:26,559 --> 00:25:28,494
-Honey, trust me.
-(sighs)
563
00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,331
Your mom knows.
It's time for you
to learn these secrets.
564
00:25:37,303 --> 00:25:40,106
-How does this help?
-It doesn't. Ha!
565
00:25:40,139 --> 00:25:42,141
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
Oh, my God.
566
00:25:42,174 --> 00:25:44,343
All new Thursdays
at 10:00 on FX.
567
00:25:46,145 --> 00:25:48,480
(waves crashing)
568
00:25:50,617 --> 00:25:54,086
(seagulls squawking)
569
00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:00,092
(wind blowing)
40695
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