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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,868 --> 00:00:02,270 I don't get what your problem is. 2 00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:03,804 Mom, you're not serious, are you? 3 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:06,174 Mom, you still have to take me to Chloe's house on Saturday. 4 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,875 Mom, this is child abandonment. 5 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,478 We're like orphans now! (door slams) 6 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:16,784 FXX presents You're the Worst. 7 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,722 (snoring) 8 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:29,197 (distant siren wailing) 9 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,599 (dog barking in distance) 10 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,741 (snoring continues) 11 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,545 Oh... 12 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,848 Morning, Jimmy. 13 00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:50,251 I know you're asleep, 14 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:53,454 but I just wanted to say our talk last night really... 15 00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:54,822 (Jimmy snoring) 16 00:00:54,855 --> 00:01:00,628 It really was just... so unexpected. 17 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,430 And I know we didn't say anything, 18 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,266 -but this morning I'm feeling... -(snoring loudly) 19 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,967 Okay! Never mind. 20 00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:11,305 * 21 00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:17,044 LINDSAY: What are you smiling about over there, 22 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:19,147 like some sort of gooneybird? 23 00:01:19,180 --> 00:01:22,650 Jimmy and I fell asleep on the phone last night. 24 00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,486 Awesome. So, do you think we'll be in the same homeroom 25 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,321 together next year? 26 00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:31,058 I know. It was just really... nice. 27 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,328 Does that mean you're back riding that yogurt tube? 28 00:01:34,362 --> 00:01:35,563 I don't know. 29 00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,498 We'll see, I guess. 30 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,333 Well, what are you going to do about it? 31 00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,769 I'm not really a "do something about stuff" kind of person. 32 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,971 I'm more of a "it's too late to buy a wedding gift, 33 00:01:44,004 --> 00:01:45,973 so I'll just stop being friends with them" kind of person. 34 00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:48,176 Cool. Well, that story finished dumb. 35 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,144 Anyway. 36 00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:52,413 It all ends today, Gretch. 37 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:55,716 Becca ruined my life, and she needs to know 38 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:57,218 how much damage she's caused me. 39 00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:59,820 And then I'm gonna punch that stupid bitch 40 00:01:59,853 --> 00:02:01,855 in her stupid bitch face. 41 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,424 Ooh, I should probably take these off. 42 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,925 Hooker fights dirty. 43 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,994 GRETCHEN: Okay, let me just press record. 44 00:02:07,027 --> 00:02:09,197 Before you hit her, I'm gonna yell, "Worldstar." 45 00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:10,631 Oh, wait. Is it after? 46 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,065 We'll shoot it both ways. 47 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,805 Lindsay! 48 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:19,173 Mom? 49 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,180 Worldstar! 50 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:31,051 * 51 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:37,258 * I'm gonna leave you anyway 52 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,328 * I'm gonna leave you anyway * 53 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:41,762 * Gonna leave you anyway. 54 00:02:48,202 --> 00:02:49,970 PARROT (on TV): Rest in peace, Penny the Penguin. 55 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,739 I never thought you'd jump. 56 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:55,709 PARROT 2: She finally flew. If only for one or two seconds. 57 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:58,779 Dude, are you sure Birds is for kids? 58 00:02:58,812 --> 00:03:00,781 That's the second suicide 59 00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:03,217 and they haven't even left the island yet. 60 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:06,153 When Doug assigned us to parody this movie, I don't think 61 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,055 -he realized how depressing it is. -(door closes) 62 00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:11,725 Well, I have some highly exciting news. 63 00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:15,996 The Width of a Peach is a bestseller! 64 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:20,167 It is number seven on Amazon's Erotica list, 65 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,403 number five on Amazon's Erotica 66 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:25,172 subcategory Historical Romance list, 67 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:29,076 and number one on Amazon's Erotica subcategory 68 00:03:29,109 --> 00:03:31,479 Historical Romance subcategories: World War II, 69 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:33,614 UK and Family Fun. 70 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,183 That is so great! 71 00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,287 I really hope you allow yourself to enjoy this special time. 72 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,423 Oh, Jimmy. 73 00:03:42,456 --> 00:03:43,891 This is Max. 74 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,626 We're co-writers at Doug Loves Sketches. 75 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:49,463 -Bro, you missed a sick party here last night. -(laughs) 76 00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,765 Yeah, I-I wouldn't call it a party. 77 00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:54,835 It was more like a meeting. 78 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,237 With balloons. 79 00:03:57,271 --> 00:03:58,772 Oh, stop. I know all about it. 80 00:03:58,806 --> 00:04:01,275 I talked to Gretchen on the phone last night. 81 00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:05,045 It was just like old times. Easy. Natural. 82 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:08,616 We caught up, we joked about the many hilarious tragic ends 83 00:04:08,649 --> 00:04:10,217 which may have befallen Killian. 84 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:15,356 And then, we fell asleep on the phone together. 85 00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:17,325 Like lovers. 86 00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:18,659 I don't want to get ahead of myself, 87 00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:20,861 Edgar and other person, but... 88 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,464 I think the door is opening. 89 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,334 You have to tell him. 90 00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,435 I don't want to tell him. 91 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,136 -Bro. -Bro. 92 00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,304 -Bro? -Bro. 93 00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:31,639 -Bro. -Bro! 94 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:32,973 Tell me what? 95 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,778 Gretchen brought Boone to the party last night. 96 00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,482 Oh. 97 00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:44,785 And his daughter Olivia. So cute. 98 00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,688 Wise, you know? How some kids just look wise? 99 00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:51,492 Like, there's something in their eyes that lets you know 100 00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:53,327 they get it, man. 101 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:56,330 Like, you can just rap to them, like people, you know? 102 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:58,866 What? 103 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,769 Hey, where's your friend? 104 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,271 So, when my agent called about the role 105 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,908 on ABC's Man in the Middle, I was so excited. 106 00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:10,310 You know, I'm playing a grandmother, 107 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,279 which is a wink-wink to the audience, of course, 108 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,815 because as if that were possible. 109 00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:16,884 (laughing) 110 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:18,852 Oh. Hello, Lindsay. 111 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:22,322 Did your apartment get taken over by pigeons again? 112 00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:23,991 Thanks for telling me Mom was coming. 113 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:27,060 Of course she would visit Tallulah, my baby, 114 00:05:27,094 --> 00:05:29,530 -that I actually had. -(Tallulah cries) 115 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,131 VERNON: Hey, can someone take her for a little while? 116 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,400 I'm doing an all-night shift 117 00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,334 and I'm running on fumes. 118 00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:37,371 I got these pills they use to wake people up from comas, 119 00:05:37,405 --> 00:05:39,106 but now I can hear my blinks. 120 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,909 Hey! I had her, you watch her. That was the deal. 121 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:45,413 Besides, my mommy's visiting me. 122 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:46,647 Oh, you know, that reminds me... 123 00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:51,452 Vernon, I received a welcome bag from the show, 124 00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,854 and I thought you might want this. 125 00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:57,090 A real-life Bluetooth speaker! No way! 126 00:05:57,124 --> 00:05:58,559 So sick! 127 00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:01,128 Hope you like Sublime. 128 00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:03,631 Mommy, I'm so happy you're here. 129 00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:06,266 Guess what I'm doing now. 130 00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,335 -I... -Sometimes when I just look around 131 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,770 at the life I've made, 132 00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:13,841 my husband, my baby, my beautiful house... 133 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,076 Your total estimated worth of zero dollars. 134 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,245 Your associate's degree in fitness. 135 00:06:18,278 --> 00:06:20,581 VERNON: (whoops) This kid just dropped a major dook. 136 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,616 I am talking a post Homestyle Buffet widowmaker. 137 00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:27,054 -Oh. -Oh, my... -Mom, I'm a stylist now. 138 00:06:27,087 --> 00:06:28,589 I read a really long book. 139 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:29,990 I bought a new underwear. 140 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,191 I have a gay friend. 141 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,694 -I tricked a dog! -Girls! 142 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:37,865 Girls, you don't have to compete for my attention. 143 00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:40,668 I'm never gonna tell you which one I like better. 144 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,302 (all laughing) 145 00:06:42,335 --> 00:06:46,139 Oh, you haven't seen the nursery yet. 146 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,043 I am your favorite, though, right? 147 00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,515 Let's just go. 148 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:58,085 You can't just let her win. 149 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,220 This is important to you. 150 00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,523 Plus I didn't get my Worldstar video. 151 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,892 You're doing this. 152 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,894 Thanks, Gretch. 153 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,929 -(phone rings) -You've always been such a good... 154 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:12,165 Hey! What's up? 155 00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:15,936 Ooh. Really? (giggles) 156 00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,404 Yeah. 157 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,839 Camping sounds fun. 158 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,542 Um, let me just check my schedule. 159 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:23,777 Okay. Bye. 160 00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,718 (sighs) 161 00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:33,487 Faye's the best, isn't she? 162 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:35,923 Did you check out that dope speaker she gaffled for me? 163 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,959 Seriously, how effing cool is she? 164 00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:40,460 Calm down. You're sweating. 165 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:41,995 Sorry. 166 00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:44,331 I've had a major bone for Faye Cottumaccio 167 00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:45,999 since her old Cinemax movies. 168 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:49,937 Then I discovered Bec has these old home vids. 169 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,204 Faye looks so hot in them. 170 00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,506 You want to check one out? 171 00:07:56,276 --> 00:07:59,179 What's up? I'm getting kind of de-cranked by your bummer vibes. 172 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:05,352 Apparently Olivia is begging for me to go camping with them. 173 00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,254 I told Boone we could go down a road. 174 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,990 And now we are, and I'm just not sure it's the right move for me. 175 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,392 Duck him. When I get a code blue and I don't want to go, 176 00:08:12,425 --> 00:08:14,494 I just fake diarrhea and hide in the morgue. 177 00:08:14,528 --> 00:08:18,398 Or... I could let the universe decide for me, 178 00:08:18,431 --> 00:08:20,467 that way nothing's ever my fault? 179 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,703 Look, it sucks, but more often than not, 180 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:25,405 the key to interpersonal bullroar is simple: 181 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,975 you need to communicate with the other dingus. 182 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,543 (sighs) You're right. 183 00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:31,879 I'm just gonna talk to Boone face-to-face and tell him 184 00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,681 I'm not ready for this. 185 00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,816 My titty-sucking therapist told me 186 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,417 I should be honest with my feelings. 187 00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:39,720 Yes, this like how I keep telling everyone 188 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:43,056 how dangerously exhausted I am, so that eventually someone... 189 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,457 Yeah, I'm just gonna text him. 190 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,201 PARROT: I told you, I don't want to talk about Penny 191 00:08:54,234 --> 00:08:55,803 the Penguin anymore-- she went to the aviary in the sky 192 00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,305 I just want to get this straight. 193 00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:01,274 Gretchen has the nerve to bring that geriatric 194 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:06,246 and his filthy spawn into my home and then call me to chat?! 195 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:07,648 Like lovers? 196 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,216 Fam, Fam, what you need to do 197 00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,051 is get your mind off this girl 198 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:13,520 and just get out there and bang someone, Fam. 199 00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,725 Yeah, maybe that works for a bro-y man-child like yourself, 200 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:20,127 but I am a novelist, 201 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,962 and an empath, 202 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:24,297 thus, have a heightened sensitivity 203 00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,966 to the pain of others. 204 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:29,169 If I were to use someone and make them feel bad, 205 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:32,039 that, in turn, would make me feel bad. 206 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,374 Why would you make her feel bad? 207 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:35,809 Two people can want something 208 00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,144 from each other, and both get it, 209 00:09:37,177 --> 00:09:39,880 -and part ways happy. -(sputters) 210 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,082 That's ridiculous. 211 00:09:43,717 --> 00:09:46,053 Happiness is a finite commodity. 212 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,988 You have to steal it from people. 213 00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,190 And I'm just... I'm not the kind of person 214 00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:51,759 who would mistreat someone like that. 215 00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,294 Edgar! Can you blow your nose or something? 216 00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:56,563 There's a faint whistle every time you breathe. 217 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,666 A faint whistle every time I breathe? 218 00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,600 Listen, find a girl who's down and out, 219 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:04,137 take her for a fancy meal and a little compelling conversation, 220 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:06,707 and then drop some ropes on her face. 221 00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:09,677 You get laid, she learns what truffle fries are. 222 00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:11,411 Well... 223 00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,381 there is someone I know who fits that bill. 224 00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:16,483 -Katherine. -Mm. 225 00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:19,286 She was the saddest girl in Manchester. 226 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,655 She moved to L.A. only to work as a waitress 227 00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:22,990 at The Fox and Hounds. 228 00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,125 Bro, you take her to République, 229 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:28,996 my boy Eli will hook you up with that dank sparkling rosé. 230 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:33,366 Or better yet, invite her here and wow her 231 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,602 with my architecturally significant house, 232 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,838 that also contains-- what? 233 00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:40,173 A bed! 234 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,609 For dropping the aforementioned ropes. 235 00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,812 Great! So, when next I come upstairs, 236 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:47,447 -you two will be gone. -Ah, but we have to finish 237 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,649 this movie for work. 238 00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:52,519 I don't care. Go to... his. 239 00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,955 Ooh, can't. I ordered a bunch of oysters off Amazon 240 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,891 and forget them in my mud room, so... 241 00:10:57,925 --> 00:10:59,893 Well, then go... go watch at Lindsay's. 242 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:02,629 (gasps) She does have tons of boxed mac and cheese. 243 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,264 Macki and cheesy! Yum town! 244 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,066 -Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom. -(laughs) 245 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:09,036 Does anyone actually find that endearing? 246 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:10,904 I cannot imagine so. 247 00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:12,205 No. 248 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:15,709 PARROT: After Penny died, things were never 249 00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,444 the same between me and Alan. 250 00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,980 I always said I'd call him tomorrow-- who knew that one day 251 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,850 tomorrow would be the day he got sucked into a jet engine? 252 00:11:22,883 --> 00:11:24,752 -(several sobbing on TV) -(sighs heavily) 253 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:27,755 Well, it's gonna be tough to make this one into a ride. 254 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,156 (knocking at door) 255 00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,690 Yes! I'm starving. 256 00:11:31,959 --> 00:11:33,560 Edgar? 257 00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:35,195 -R... -Yeah, buddy! 258 00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,697 Comida Argentina, por favor. Mi mas gusta. 259 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,332 Oh, thanks a lot. 260 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,970 (mumbles) 261 00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:44,805 It's nice to see you, Ricky. 262 00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,574 What was that about? Pretending you don't know me? 263 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,476 I helped you bury that camel. 264 00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:52,012 Oh, i-it's just that I... I don't tell everyone right off 265 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,446 about my combat experience. 266 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,248 They-they see you in a certain way. 267 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,617 -Oh, yeah. -Not that I wouldn't. He's a really cool guy. 268 00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,487 No, no, no, I get it. Mm, you don't want him 269 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,255 to see you like some messed-up vet. 270 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,456 Oh... 271 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:04,825 Like me. 272 00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,093 No. 273 00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:09,729 No, Ricky, I... 274 00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:11,531 (sighs) 275 00:12:12,766 --> 00:12:14,835 -Mmm...! -Delivery foul. 276 00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:17,704 Dude forgot your chimichurri for your steak. 277 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,973 Aw, no, it's okay. I don't need it. 278 00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:22,009 Bro, it's his job, okay? I got this. 279 00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:27,480 (soft, romantic music playing) 280 00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,682 (knocking at door) 281 00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,352 Katherine. 282 00:12:32,385 --> 00:12:35,322 Wow. You look shockingly presentable. 283 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,958 Um, thanks. Good to see you. 284 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:39,659 Please, come in. 285 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:41,361 * 286 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:42,762 KATHERINE: Oh. 287 00:12:42,796 --> 00:12:45,665 I know what you're going to ask. 288 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,836 Who designed this breathtaking home? 289 00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:52,039 It's a Schindler, actually. 290 00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:53,740 It's very quaint. 291 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:56,176 You know, I hesitated to call you, 292 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,979 but as I was recently reminded, 293 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,748 there is nothing wrong with two people going into something 294 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,952 eyes wide open, each wanting to get something out of it. 295 00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,287 -Okay. -Even if one person 296 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,023 demonstrably has far less to offer than the other. 297 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,658 -That makes sense. -I've prepared 298 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:15,162 some of my favorite hors d'oeuvres for us. 299 00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,830 This here... 300 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,398 duck pâté. 301 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:20,333 Don't ask what it is; just enjoy it. 302 00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,103 -(chuckles) -Are you thirsty? Would you like a drink? 303 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:27,774 I'd like you to try a very special scotch. 304 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:31,278 It's called Laga-vul-in. 305 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,781 16, as in that is how old this is. 306 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,816 Sorry, I just can't do Lagavulin anymore. 307 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:40,187 Do you have any Japanese single malts? Like Hibiki 21? 308 00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,555 Kendrick Lamar introduced me to it when I was doing 309 00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:44,324 the deal for his line of bulletproof hats. 310 00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:47,027 Wait. (snickers) Hold on. What's happening? 311 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:50,097 I thought... I thought you worked at The Fox and Hounds. 312 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,731 Uh, when I was 22. 313 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,833 But you know I'm an entertainment lawyer now? 314 00:13:53,867 --> 00:13:55,802 Come on, Jimmy. 315 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,537 You can tell me. 316 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,439 Whose house is this? 317 00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:03,110 -This is my home. -Okay. How much do you need? 318 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:05,946 You're not the first person from home to call me out of the blue 319 00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:07,380 and hit me up for money. 320 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,016 No, I... 321 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:11,952 I don't need money. 322 00:14:11,985 --> 00:14:14,754 I'm a... I'm a bestselling novelist. 323 00:14:14,787 --> 00:14:16,456 You don't know? 324 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:18,825 Well, then I'm not that much higher status than you. 325 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,128 How are you higher status than me?! 326 00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:23,563 (laughs): Oh! 327 00:14:23,596 --> 00:14:26,866 Jimmy, you chav! 328 00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,168 (laughing) 329 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:33,406 Hey. What was that name we used to call you back home? 330 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,976 Oh, oh, I remember-- Mouse Boy and Jizz Magnet. 331 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:38,378 What was the other one? 332 00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:39,846 Shitty Jimmy. 333 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,249 (laughing): That was it. Shitty Jimmy! 334 00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,850 (gasps) Oh, my God, 335 00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,418 I can still remember the song. 336 00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,187 * Shitty Jimmy 337 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:48,788 * Look at Shitty Jimmy 338 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:51,491 * Shitty Jimmy with his little shitty... * 339 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,060 Wha...? * With his little shitty 340 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,594 * Little, li... What was it? Come on. 341 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,196 Come on, what was it? Come on. 342 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,198 * With his little shitty face. 343 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,934 Yes! * With his little shitty face. * 344 00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:04,137 Ha! Shitty Jimmy! 345 00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,339 * Shitty Jimmy with his little shitty face, whoo! * 346 00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:13,780 Okay, I texted him. "Hey. I'm just not sure 347 00:15:13,813 --> 00:15:16,416 I'm ready for camping. Hope that's okay." 348 00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:19,386 Look at you-- telling someone what you need. 349 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,021 (electronic chiming) 350 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,092 Yeah, that'd be fine. 351 00:15:25,125 --> 00:15:27,727 BECCA (laughs): And I was like, "Sorry you got triggered 352 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:31,164 Snowflakes. Go back to your 'safe space.'" 353 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,732 Look, Mommy. 354 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,802 An important Los Angeles magazine did a piece 355 00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:38,171 on my boss, Priscilla, and you could see me in the background 356 00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,472 with some work friends. 357 00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:41,208 (laughs) "Friends"? 358 00:15:41,241 --> 00:15:43,610 That's why not of them showed up at your divorce party. 359 00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:44,944 FAYE: Well, that's rude. 360 00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,113 I've been hundreds of parties 361 00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,314 for people I don't like. 362 00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:48,681 Bob Baliban. Heather Locklear. 363 00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,984 -(sighs): Ooh. -Stevie Wonder. 364 00:15:51,018 --> 00:15:52,252 He can see, you know. 365 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,686 FAYE: Okay. I have to go 366 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,655 -get ready for Piloxing. -Oh! 367 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,490 (laughs) 368 00:15:57,524 --> 00:16:01,228 Listen, you backstabbing suck-butt, 369 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,663 my entire life you have been nothing 370 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:07,700 but a source of underminery and hurtful, bitchy faces. 371 00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:09,569 -Oh... -I am not a real person, 372 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:10,837 and it's all your fault. 373 00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,239 So, Becca, 374 00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:14,074 my only sister... 375 00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:16,376 we are officially through. 376 00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:19,012 You're... seriously gonna stand there, 377 00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:23,216 probably softly farting as usual, and blame me 378 00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:25,585 for your life being an actual 9/11? 379 00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:28,721 I had the same challenges growing up, and look at me. 380 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:31,224 I'm living in a real house with real friends 381 00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:33,360 who aren't disgusting monsters... 382 00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:34,894 Hey! 383 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:36,663 ...and I'm married to a successful doctor. 384 00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,998 Blame me for your life? Uh-uh. 385 00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:40,767 Sorry, peaches. 386 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,602 You can try and blame other people, 387 00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:46,673 but, like the actual 9/11, you did it to yourself. 388 00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:47,774 (gasps) 389 00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:51,211 Ow! 390 00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:52,279 (grunts) 391 00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:54,381 Oh, you want a titty twist? 392 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:55,548 I'll show you a titty twist! 393 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:56,583 Ow! 394 00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,620 -You don't want none of this! -I'm the titty twist champion! 395 00:17:00,653 --> 00:17:02,522 Bitch, I will spray your milk all over this goddamn room! 396 00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,091 Give me a tit, and I'll twist it raw! 397 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:05,925 -It's gonna be like a dairy. -FAYE: Girls. 398 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,628 -(shouting continues) -Girls! 399 00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:10,897 Shit, shit, shit! Don't stop yet! 400 00:17:10,930 --> 00:17:12,399 FAYE (over speaker): Well, Officer, if you're gonna 401 00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:15,068 search the place, I suggest you start 402 00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,336 under my sweater. 403 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,037 -(sultry music playing) -(Faye laughing) 404 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,073 Am I talking? 405 00:17:20,107 --> 00:17:23,110 Vernon! 406 00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,577 Oh, shit! 407 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:27,647 Vernon, your dumb speaker is 408 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,416 blasting filth all over the house! 409 00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,118 -Turn that off! -(Faye moaning over video) 410 00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,119 Is that... 411 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:34,020 Mommy?! 412 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:35,021 G-Get out of here! 413 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,756 Jesus, I'm busy! I'm... 414 00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:39,292 (gasps) Oh, man, them boobies. 415 00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,128 (moaning loudly) 416 00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:43,196 (Lindsay laughing) 417 00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:47,267 (grunts, groans) 418 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:49,136 (Lindsay laughing) 419 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,803 Worldstar! 420 00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,373 Okay. I'm off to Equinox. 421 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:57,844 I just wanted Mom to think I had everything figured out. 422 00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:02,849 I didn't want her to know that we have no money! 423 00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:06,686 And that I'm married to a talking penis in a clown wig! 424 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,022 (sobbing) 425 00:18:14,361 --> 00:18:17,330 My life is shit. 426 00:18:17,364 --> 00:18:19,065 (sobbing) 427 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,000 Why do you think I go through a c... 428 00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,102 a case of Kendall-Jackson a week? 429 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,771 (sniffles) 430 00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,806 (sobbing) 431 00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:38,185 We're both messed up. 432 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,419 Who's L.D.P.? 433 00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:42,088 (laughs) Lou Diamond Phillips. 434 00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,090 He played La Bamba. 435 00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,992 Mom dated him for, like, three years. 436 00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:47,227 He was the best. 437 00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,761 La Bamba? 438 00:18:51,764 --> 00:18:53,633 (Young Faye laughs in video) 439 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,635 YOUNG FAYE (on TV): I can't get this bikini to stay on. 440 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,270 Aftershock. 441 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:09,115 Okay, well, how about if two pelicans agree 442 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,951 to fill their beaks with rocks and jump into the ocean? 443 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,420 That's not a parody. 444 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,021 They actually did that in the movie. 445 00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,756 (knocking at door) 446 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,758 It's open! 447 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,928 Hope this is really delicious. 448 00:19:21,961 --> 00:19:25,398 I had to pass up three gigs to come back. 449 00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,166 Thanks for that. 450 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:30,770 Sorry. 451 00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:34,641 Hey, did you know me and Edgar served in Iraq together? 452 00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,476 Oh, yeah. 453 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,910 Apparently he's real embarrassed 454 00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:39,912 for people to know that he's a vet. 455 00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:43,182 I guess he thinks he's better than me. 456 00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:44,817 But he ain't shit. 457 00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:48,521 Never was. 458 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:54,193 You know what? 459 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:55,928 Why don't you come over here 460 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:58,498 and spread this chimichurri sauce on my steak for me? 461 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,468 (scoffs) 462 00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:04,003 Yeah, that ain't gonna happen. 463 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,506 (laughs) You spread 464 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:10,310 that chimichurri on my steak, 465 00:20:10,343 --> 00:20:13,780 this 50 is yours and you get a five star rating. 466 00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,915 You don't... 467 00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:19,452 you get nothing and I give you one star. 468 00:20:19,486 --> 00:20:22,088 I don't care either way, 469 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:24,991 'cause 50 bucks don't mean shit to me. 470 00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:26,826 Oh, damn. 471 00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:04,263 Uh... mm. 472 00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:07,300 (children shouting in video) 473 00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:09,769 (children laughing) 474 00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:14,774 Tag, you're it! 475 00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:17,043 -(clears throat) -Mom! 476 00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,144 YOUNG FAYE (on TV): Kids, please, please, 477 00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,145 get out of the frame, kids. 478 00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:20,813 Get out of the frame, kids! 479 00:21:20,847 --> 00:21:22,248 Thanks. (clears throat) 480 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:25,284 Faye Cottumaccio reading for the role of Marsha. 481 00:21:25,318 --> 00:21:30,256 Mr. Belvedere, did the agency send you? 482 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,891 Have you guys noticed a pattern? 483 00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:33,560 It was the '80s, Gretch. 484 00:21:33,593 --> 00:21:35,528 You put some triangles and squiggly lines on a shirt 485 00:21:35,562 --> 00:21:37,163 and called it fashion. 486 00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:38,164 (Lindsay chuckles) 487 00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:39,799 Your mother is completely 488 00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:41,601 neglecting you in all these tapes. 489 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:44,070 -Mom! Mom! -GRETCHEN: She doesn't give a shit 490 00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:46,072 about anything you're doing. 491 00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,911 -Holy shit. -You're right. 492 00:21:51,944 --> 00:21:55,348 It's Mom's fault you turned out to be a giant toddler with boobs 493 00:21:55,382 --> 00:21:57,917 and I drink a touch too much here and there. 494 00:21:57,950 --> 00:22:00,086 I am sorry, Becca. 495 00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:03,289 Me, too. 496 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,592 We should tell her we're the ones who need a break from her. 497 00:22:05,625 --> 00:22:07,427 BECCA: What's the point? 498 00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:10,129 She'll just start crying and tell us how she got the clap 499 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,499 from the sound guy on Trapper John, M.D. 500 00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:14,100 Bec. 501 00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:16,302 -Wha...? -The only way our lives 502 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:19,539 are going to get fixed is if we fix them ourselves. 503 00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:25,745 You're right. 504 00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,719 She is. 505 00:22:32,752 --> 00:22:35,121 Yo, do you guys mind leaving for a bit? 506 00:22:35,154 --> 00:22:36,623 I need some sleep. 507 00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:38,725 I closed my eyes to sneeze a little while ago 508 00:22:38,758 --> 00:22:41,461 and I woke up eight minutes later. 509 00:22:41,494 --> 00:22:43,663 Shh, shh, shh, shh. 510 00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:45,364 (Katherine laughing) 511 00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:47,467 What about when we locked you in the school basement 512 00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:49,068 and we wouldn't let you out 513 00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:51,404 until you put your little willy through the keyhole? 514 00:22:51,438 --> 00:22:53,039 (Katherine laughs) 515 00:22:53,072 --> 00:22:55,174 It was so tiny. 516 00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:56,609 -Well, it's not anymore. -(laughing) 517 00:22:56,643 --> 00:22:58,110 It's bigger now. 518 00:22:58,144 --> 00:22:59,646 And guess what? 519 00:22:59,679 --> 00:23:01,681 You just blew your chance at ever seeing it. 520 00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,916 Oh! Oh, Jimmy! 521 00:23:03,950 --> 00:23:06,953 Did you think we might shag? (laughs) 522 00:23:06,986 --> 00:23:09,355 All right. 523 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:11,791 That's it! I think we're done here. 524 00:23:11,824 --> 00:23:14,661 This was a complete waste of time. 525 00:23:14,694 --> 00:23:17,296 I got nothing out of this utter debacle! 526 00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:19,265 Me, neither. 527 00:23:19,298 --> 00:23:22,401 Do you promise it got bigger? 528 00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:27,674 (moaning, grunting) 529 00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:36,749 (faint grunting) 530 00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:43,322 * She was a shark smile in a yellow van * 531 00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:47,193 * She came around and I stole a glance * 532 00:23:47,226 --> 00:23:49,295 * In my youth, a vampire 533 00:23:49,328 --> 00:23:53,733 * Evelyn shown quiet as roses sting * 534 00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:56,435 * It came over me at a bad time... * 535 00:23:56,469 --> 00:23:59,205 Damn it. 536 00:23:59,238 --> 00:24:02,709 * But who wouldn't ride on a moonlit line? * 537 00:24:02,742 --> 00:24:04,310 * Had her in my eye 538 00:24:04,343 --> 00:24:08,014 * 85 down the road of a dead-end gleam * 539 00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:10,016 * And she said, "Woo"... 540 00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:12,819 Seriously, what is wrong with me? 541 00:24:12,852 --> 00:24:16,222 (panting) 542 00:24:16,255 --> 00:24:18,190 * And I said, "Woo" 543 00:24:18,224 --> 00:24:23,530 * Baby, take me, too 544 00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:27,534 * It came over her at a bad time * 545 00:24:27,567 --> 00:24:31,971 * Riding through Winona down the dotted line * 546 00:24:32,004 --> 00:24:33,773 * Held us gunning out 547 00:24:33,806 --> 00:24:38,277 * 90 miles down the road of a dead-end dream * 548 00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:42,248 * She looked over with a part smile... * 549 00:24:42,281 --> 00:24:45,251 (dog barks) 550 00:24:45,284 --> 00:24:47,754 Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION 551 00:24:47,787 --> 00:24:50,256 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.or g 552 00:24:52,559 --> 00:24:53,993 Hey, fellas. 553 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:56,663 I'm on antidepressants, so I won't even cry after. 554 00:25:04,303 --> 00:25:08,407 (eerie whistling) 555 00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,242 (gasping) 556 00:25:10,276 --> 00:25:11,510 (whistling continues) 557 00:25:11,544 --> 00:25:15,815 (various people whistling, overlapping) 558 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:17,984 (metal scraping) (screams) 559 00:25:18,017 --> 00:25:20,419 ANNOUNCER: American Horror Story: Cult. 560 00:25:20,452 --> 00:25:23,122 All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX. 561 00:25:24,591 --> 00:25:26,525 I have to eat this onion? 562 00:25:26,559 --> 00:25:28,494 -Honey, trust me. -(sighs) 563 00:25:28,527 --> 00:25:32,331 Your mom knows. It's time for you to learn these secrets. 564 00:25:37,303 --> 00:25:40,106 -How does this help? -It doesn't. Ha! 565 00:25:40,139 --> 00:25:42,141 ANNOUNCER: Better Things. Oh, my God. 566 00:25:42,174 --> 00:25:44,343 All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX. 567 00:25:46,145 --> 00:25:48,480 (waves crashing) 568 00:25:50,617 --> 00:25:54,086 (seagulls squawking) 569 00:25:58,090 --> 00:26:00,092 (wind blowing) 40695

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