Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Ladies and gentlemen, please

welcome Tom Green!

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

♪ What you gonna do ♪

♪ When you're sittin' ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ In your empty-ass home ♪

♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪

♪ Sawed-off? ♪

♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪

♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪

♪ Off the rock ship ♪

♪ My nose is runnin' like me ♪

♪ From the police ♪

♪ It's been three weeks ♪

What's up, Boston?

Great to be here.

This is referred to as

the intellectual capital of

the U.S. because of all

the colleges and universities.

So for all the smart people here

tonight, let's get wasted,

right?

Uh, this is cool, man.

I'm excited.

I live in Los Angeles.

I started my show in Canada at

a public access station.

It got picked up by MTV.

Now I do a web TV show in my

living room, so my career's

living room, so my career's going pretty well.

Going pretty well.

I was on

The Celebrity Apprentice with

Donald Trump.

I got fired.

Got fired in the third episode.

Donald Trump was mad at me.

Was mad at me 'cause I went out

was mad at me 'cause I went out drinking with Dennis Rodman...

drinking with Dennis Rodman...

on the night I was the "project

manager," whoa, oh.

That's a no-no.

Donald Trump takes that project

manager shit fucking seriously,

sir.

But think about it.

You're in New York City.

A 7-foot-tall cross-dressing

basketball champion asks you out

on a date.

You say yes.

It's Dennis Rodman.

The guy's a legend.

He's probably going to pick you

up, take you out for a steak

dinner.

You head out for a night on

the town.

You have some cranberry vodkas.

At the end of the evening, you

head back to the hotel.

If you're lucky, he doesn't have

sex with you.

I did not get lucky.

Uh...

He was gentle.

I been doing this goofy stuff

a long time, but I've never done

a stand-up comedy special

before.

I'm so excited to be here.

I'm getting older.

You know, as you get older, you

start to freak out.

You start to think about things

a little bit more.

You want to talk about it.

Y-you worry about things.

I worry about my life.

I worry about the thing... the way

things were when I was younger.

It was... it seems like it was

better before.

It was better before.

When I was a kid, they didn't

have the internet.

They didn't have sus... they

didn't have the video games.

They didn't have the...

the computers.

They didn't have the ATM

machines.

They didn't have microwave

ovens.

They didn't have Starbucks.

They didn't have Walmart.

They didn't have AIDS.

You know, the...

The world was a better place.

Now everybody's on their

Facebook page, right?

I want to say something

unpopular about Facebook.

I don't think married people

should be on Facebook.

I think, if you're married, you

should cancel your Facebook

right after the show, okay?

You want some ex-girlfriend or

ex-boyfriend of your husband or

wife from 25 years ago sending

little secret messages in

the background like, "How's

married life?

Wink, lol"?

Mrahh, mrahh.

"Lmfao, I'm here if you need

me."

Rahh, rahh.

That's not how it's supposed to

work.

That's not how the world's

supposed to work.

When I was a kid, everybody had

one telephone.

We keep it in the kitchen by

the fridge.

That was your connection with

the outside world.

It was called a landline, right?

Actually... Actually it was called

a phone.

We call them a landline now

because they have cords coming

out of them.

And if you follow the cord... You

can follow the cord, and

eventually the cord plugs

directly into the land, okay?

It's amazing.

Y-You gotta go through dirt to

get to the person you want to

talk to.

That's how primitive it was,

right?

All the phones looked the same.

There was one model.

They had a thing that curled

the cord that came in four

different colors... beige, green,

black.

If you were rich, you'd spend $1

more and get a red one 'cause

you wanted to feel like

the President.

Then the rotary dial.

Rotary dial.

Rotary dial.

All right, you know you're

getting older when you remember

phones before buttons were

introduced into them, you know?

I...

I remember being so excited when

those buttons got introduced,

man.

It was like a cool, new, modern

feature.

It's digital.

It's digital.

You know, we never had a piano

in my house.

I was always very musical.

"Mommy, mommy, I played

Mary had a little lamb!"

"You called China!"

Right?

"That's 3,000 fucking dollars!

Our son's a fucking asshole!"

That's the way the world's

supposed to work, man.

The one-phone system was

a better system.

It was a simpler time.

This is why I don't think

married people should be on

Facebook.

You want the one-phone system.

If somebody wanted to get

a hold of your husband, she

would call the phone in your

house.

You would pick it up.

You'd say, "Hello."

She would say, "Is your husband

there?"

You would say, "Who the fuck is

you would say, "Who the fuck is this?

This?

Roger, there's some cunt on

the phone.

If she calls here again, I'm

going to slit her fucking

throat.

Fuck off, Bitch!"

Right?

That's how it's supposed to

work.

That's how you keep marriages

together.

The one-phone system.

Facebook's going to ruin high

school reunions.

Before you go to your high

school reunion, you were

wondering what Judy Miller

looked like.

Now you know what Judy Miller

looks like.

You been jacking off to her

family vacation photos for five

freaking years.

This guy knows what I'm talking

about right here.

You know Judy?

You know Judy?

I'm telling you, man.

I tell you.

I don't know, man.

I think it's the conspiracy of

our time.

We're getting sucked into this

digital grid.

We're giving away all our

personal information.

We're getting sucked into this

digital vortex.

When I was a kid, we talked

about how the CIA could see

inside our homes.

The CIA could hear our phone

calls.

It was, "Big Brother's

watching."

Now the C... some corporation

comes along.

They tell us to take all our

personal information, just give

it away for free.

Now the CIA wants your

information, all they got to do

is friend request you, right?

We're a generation of peeping

Toms.

We can see inside everybody's

homes.

We don't have to be invited

over.

We're coming anyway.

We like taking pictures of our

stuff and putting it online, so

everyone can see our stuff.

Look at my car.

Look at my girlfriend.

Look at my boyfriend.

Look at my pool table.

Look at my pool.

Look at my new hubcaps.

Look at my stuff.

We all like to go online and

look at everybody else's stuff,

secretly hoping that they go

bankrupt and lose all their

stuff.

And you got video phones coming

out.

You got a call on your phone.

You can see you.

You can see them.

This sucks, right?

How are you going to get away

with anything?

How you going to get away with

things?

H-how are you going to go to

the strip clubs, or how you

going to go the strip club, get

away from the wife?

Guys are going to be taking

calls at the strip club in

fucking... in fucking broom

fucking... in fucking broom closets and shit.

Closets and shit.

"Hey, honey, just doing a little

sweeping here.

Sweep..."

Strip clubs are going to have to

adapt, right?

They're going to have to adapt.

They're going to build rooms off

the side of the stage, you know?

With a... with, like,

a Hollywood-style set built to

look like a post office or

something.

"Hey, honey.

Just sending some mail.

Gotta pay those bills.

It's the weirdest post office

I've ever been to.

I know it's 4:00 in the morning.

I don't know why Lady Gaga is

playing in the background.

Just making it rain on the phone

Bill here.

Paying the phone bill with

singles today."

Yeah, I think we gotta be

careful about this stuff, man.

We're giving away too much.

The innocence is gone in

the world.

The mystery's gone in the world.

We're not talking to each other

anymore.

Everybody's text messaging now.

That's how we communicate... with

text messages.

You go out to dinner with six

people.

Three of them will be texting

under the table, talking to

three people they'd rather be

eating dinner with than you.

Eating dinner with than you.

"No, no.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

I can't, I'm h...

I can't, I'm here with

everybody."

"Ah, ah.

Ah."

I hate that.

I hate that look..."Ah."

Bring a book to the dinner

table.

I think we should... we should

start bringing books to

the dinner table.

If it pisses you off, bring

a book, right?

People start texting in front

of you.

of you. Whip out a copy of Moby Dick.

Whip out a copy of Moby Dick.

Yeah?

What's going to happen to our

bodies?

How are we going to evolve as

a species with all this new

technology taking over our

lives?

It's going to... it's going to

change... it's going to change

our... our physical appearance,

right?

Think about it.

We started out thousands of

years ago.

We were... we were Cro-Magnon man.

We were Neanderthal man, hunched

over, and then we evolved.

And we... we stood up.

We became tall.

We became human beings.

We became tall human beings.

We're tall.

We're tall, right?

We're tall.

We start text messaging.

Don't really need our legs

anymore.

Our legs are going to start to

retract into our bodies.

Don't really have to go

anywhere.

Our arms are going to retract

into our bodies.

Our mouths... we won't need them

to communicate.

They're going to shrivel up into

these straw-like tubes.

We'll...

We'll... we'll suck vitamins

through them.

Applesauce.

Applesauce, applesauce.

Apples...

We'll become these Jabba

the Hutt-type blobs with nothing

left.

Nothing but two muscular,

elongated, rapidly flapping,

text-messaging thumbs.

Text-messaging thumbs.

Blobs with thumbs.

We're addicted to it.

We're addicted to our cell

phones.

We're addicted to our text

messages.

We're addicted to our Facebook

pages and our emails.

We run to it.

We run to see what's on there.

We run to check our inbox,

right?

It's a physical addiction too.

I think it's a physical

addiction like cigarettes.

Like cigarettes, right?

You know when you send a text

message to someone, and you

don't get a response right away,

you feel depressed?

If you send a text message to

someone you really like, and you

get a response right away, and

you feel happy.

You feel happy.

Your body... it feeds the chemical

dopamine.

Dopamine... it goes through your

blood, and you become addicted

to that dopamine rush.

And you associate that dopamine

rush with the happy feeling of

receiving a text.

And that's why you got people

sending 3,000 fucking text

messages a day, right?

We're not even paying attention

to what we're saying anymore.

It's just like a... it's like

a morphine drip, right?

It's like... it's like a dopamine

drip.

Happy buttons.

Happy buttons.

Happy buttons.

Time to play with the happy

buttons.

Buttons. Happy buttons.

Happy buttons.

I almost forgot I was still on

this fucking thing.

Do my whole... do my whole first

comedy special owling on

a stool.

Yeah.

Aw, man, we gotta be careful,

man.

We get addicted to this stuff.

We can't stop using it.

I don't want to bitch and

complain and cry and moan for

the whole night, but I'm worried

about it, you know?

People are getting freaked out

by this stuff.

You hear about this teacher?

She was arrested for taking

a naked photo of herself with

her cell phone and sending it to

her 14-year-old student.

Yeah.

That didn't happen when I was

a kid, right?

I wish it did.

I don't want to blame the cell

phone for this disgusting

decision that this disgusting

lady made, right?

Disgusting lady.

I don't want to blame her cell

phone, but think about how

difficult it would have been to

take a naked picture of yourself

and send it to your 14-year-old

student in the 1970s.

You know, you're up late at

night.

You're marking tests.

Little Billy says something

about cumulonimbus clouds that

makes you smile.

"Mmm, mmm.

Mmm, mmm."

An idea pops into your head.

"Mmm.

I know what I want to do.

Mmm.

I want to take a naked picture

of myself and send it to little

Billy.

Mmm, mmm."

Now y-you have a shot of

Jagermeister.

Now you gotta get a... you gotta

get the camera.

You gotta put film in

the camera.

It's hard putting film in

a camera in 1975, and you're

drunk on Jagermeister at 4:00 in

the morning, right?

Then you gotta go through all

the drawers in the kitchen.

You gotta find one of those

magic bulb flash cubes.

You gotta go through all

the burnt-out ones, right?

You gotta go... you ha... you kept

the burnt-out ones, right?

So you gotta go through those,

find the r...

Y-y... that's a lot of metal and

plastic there, right?

You're not going to throw that

away, maybe make a Lego police

car out of that or something,

you know?

You do something with it.

You do something.

Then you find one that's got

a little juice on it.

You get naked.

"Billy.

Billy boy.

Billy boy.

Billy boy."

"Billy B..."

Now you gotta go down to

the mall, get the film

developed at the photo

development place where your

neighbor works.

You hand him the camera.

You ask him to double your

prints for $1 'cause that's

a deal.

Don't want a pass up a deal like

that, right?

Maybe little Billy might want

a naked photo.

Maybe little Timmy might want

one too, right?

Then you go home.

Y-you go home.

You pace around for a while.

You have another shot of

Jagermeister.

You come back the next day.

You get your naked photos of

yourself.

You put them in an envelope.

You lick the envelope.

You know, the taste of the glue.

"Ooh, ooh, the gluey, gluey

taste.

The gluey..."

Then you gotta write little

Billy's address down on

the envelope.

"To Billy.

For your eyes only," right?

Then you have another shot of

Jagermeister.

I mean, you still have to be

drunk, right?

You're, like, 36 hours deep into

this idea at this point.

Stumbling down the street

through your neighborhood

towards the mailbox on

the corner.

Your hand dangling above

the mailbox.

At any point up to this moment,

you would've had the ability to

say to yourself, "You know,

maybe this isn't such a good

idea."

Now it's just bad idea, shot of

Jagermeister, grab the cell

phone, point, click, send, fall

asleep in your own puke.

Wake up ten hours later.

There's cops.

You're in handcuffs.

"I did what?

Billy!

I love you, Billy!"

We gotta be careful what we do

with our cell phones when we're

drunk, that's all.

Drunk, that's all. That's all.

That's all.

Watch what you do...

with your cell phone when you're

drunk.

Be careful.

You really do gotta be careful.

The world is just getting messed

up, man.

Innocence is gone in our world.

The mystery's gone in our world.

We're giving it all away.

You can s... We can see anything

instantly.

I don't think we've thought

about it enough, what all this

stuff means or this instant

access to everything.

You can see anything instantly.

You can go on Google.

You can type in the name of

a city on Google Earth.

You can type in the name of

a city.

You can hover over the city.

Hover over the city looking at

the terrified citizens below.

Or you go on Google Street View.

You type in "Paris."

Now you go down to street level.

You're walking down the streets

of Paris.

Walking down the streets of

Paris, taking the mystery out of

the whole goddamn world.

Fuck it, we got purple curtains

in Boston.

Fuck it.

Might as well just stay home,

right?

They're kicking all the

dictators out around the world.

They're kicking them out in

Libya.

They're kicking them out in

Egypt.

They're kicking them out in

Tunisia.

They're kicking them out in

Bahrain.

They're kicking them out in

Wisconsin.

Everywh...

It's like we want to make

everything exactly the same.

Everything's got to be exactly

the same.

I went all over the world this

year doing stand-up comedy.

Every city is exactly the same.

Doesn't matter if you're in

Sydney, Australia, Chicago,

Toronto, Los Angeles.

There's a Starbucks on every

corner, an ATM machine,

a Walmart, an Ikea making you

feel stupid 'cause you can't put

an office chair together.

It's all the same.

I went to Afghanistan a few

months ago and did some stand-up

for the military.

Okay, let's have a hand for

those guys.

Okay, good.

Have a hand for those guys.

See, that was the only city in

the whole world where I went to

where I was thinking, "You know,

this... there's no Starbucks

here.

There's no Wendy's.

You know, if I hopped this

fence, left the military base,

and went downtown Kandahar,

they'd kill me."

I like that.

I like that.

You want to have a few wild

places left on the planet where,

if you go there, they decapitate

you, right?

You don't have to go there.

Let's keep a couple of places

like that just to keep it

interesting.

Want to make everything exactly

the same.

Look what happened to

Saddam Hussein.

All the guy wanted to do was be

the king of his own country.

Just wanted to be the leader of

his own country.

Just wanted to go out on his

balcony, put on his army suit,

pretend he's Fidel Castro, shoot

a shotgun in the air, hang out

with his crazy sons, go get

a gold toilet seat made for

himself, you know?

Get blown by an enslaved

prostitute feeding him grapes,

right?

That's all he wanted to do.

And it pissed us off, right?

It pissed us off.

Who the fuck does this guy think

he fucking is with his gold

he fucking is with his gold toilet seats and his grapes?

Toilet seats and his grapes?

It pissed us off, and we went in

there, and we chased him all

around, right?

One second, the guy's the king

of his own country.

The next second, we're pulling

him out of the hole in

the ground looking like

Nick Nolte's mug shot.

Looking like Ron Jeremy on

a bender.

It's, like, the worst...

It's, like, the worst disguise.

Ron Jeremy's, like, the first

person the Marines would

recognize.

"Ron Jeremy.

He seems a little disoriented,

boys.

Oorah.

Well, strip him down, and hose

him off.

Wait a minute.

You're not Ron Jeremy.

It's Saddam Hussein!"

That was a cock joke.

That was a cock joke.

That was a joke about

Saddam Hussein's tiny cock!

His tiny cock!

Cock!

Cock!

Cock joke, cock joke, cock joke.

Cock joke, cock joke, cock joke. Cock, cock!

Cock, cock!

Fuck jokes.

Screw jokes, huh, Santa?

Come on, fuck it.

Let's just yell "cock" at these

people all night.

Cock!

You guys having fun?

You guys are... you guys are

awesome, man.

When I say "chicken," you say

"sandwich."

Chicken.

Sandwich.

Chicken.

Sandwich.

That was fucking pointless.

You guys have fun tonight in

Boston, right?

Absolutely.

In the beautiful Wilbur Theatre

here.

Look at this place.

It's amazing.

Got this, uh... got this beautiful

balcony here, right?

You g... how you guys doing?

Right, you got the... the fucking

Right, you got the... the fucking Muppet show and shit, right?

Muppet show and shit, right?

Good to see you.

We didn't plan that.

That light just went on like

that automatically.

I grew up... I grew up on, uh,

I grew up... I grew up on, uh, a Canadian army base.

A Canadian army base.

We got an army.

My dad was a captain in

the Canadian army.

The Canadian army. He looked after the tank.

He looked after the tank.

It was a Volkswagen Beetle with

a shotgun welded to the roof.

It was...

You'd see it going by on the way

to school.

It was scary.

Made you think.

Growing up on a Canadian army

base... It made you think.

You'd be like, "Who wants to

attack Canada?

Someone wants to attack Canada."

"Oh, the Russians.

The communists.

The communists."

Spent the first 20 years of our

lives worrying about

The communists.

"The communists, the communists,

the communists, the communists,

the c..."

Suddenly it's, "The terrorists,

the terrorists, the terrorists,

the terrorists."

Next it's the fucking

optometrists?

I don't know what the f...

Yeah, it did... nothing...

That stuff they told you didn't

always make sense either 'cause

you didn't have the internet,

right?

So you couldn't go on

the internet and look at

the Russians.

You just had to kind of believe

what you see on the news, see on

The Hunt for Red October.

That's what the Russians were.

That was it.

They'd tell you stuff that

didn't make any sense.

They'd say, "You don't want to

be communists.

Oh, you don't want to live in

Russia.

In Russia, they can't get

jeans."

Like this is the worst threat.

Lack of jeans.

Didn't make any sense, right?

They could... they could put

a monkey in orbit, but they

couldn't make blue cotton pants?

It didn't make any sense.

You'd be glued to that TV and be

like, "If we don't win this

hockey game, we're fucking dead.

We need to win this hockey

game."

And we'd do drills.

They'd make us do drills.

You're six years old.

You're in school.

Teacher comes out.

She says, "Kids, if the Russians

launch a nuclear missile, hide

under the desk."

The wooden desk.

Like the desk had been held over

from the '50s.

It had... it had an inkwell in it.

They'd been using feathered

quills not that long ago to

write on this piece of wooden

furniture.

And now you're underneath it,

and they're telling you it's

going to protect you from

a 15-megaton blast, right?

And you're six years old, and

you're looking at your teacher,

and you're saying, "This is

fucking bullshit."

And remember, you're

under the desk, right?

They got the wite-out, you know,

graffiti under there from

terrified children from drills

gone past... messages to their

families and shit.

Remember wite-out, right?

You'd write something down.

You change your mind, you gotta

pull out a can of paint.

That's how fast the world

changes.

That's how fast the world

changes, sir.

Oh, they... but then they came out

with the Erasermate pen.

Remember the Erasermate pen?

That was exciting.

We could erase ink.

We felt like spies.

The worst invention ever.

It was, like, the w... it was

like a Brillo eraser.

It was like a sandpaper eraser.

You'd scrape a layer of fucking

paper off.

Didn't erase... you'd just scrape

a layer of paper off, hand in

this moth-eaten math quiz.

There's just so much stuff that

didn't make any sense.

Like when they brought "X" s and

"Y" s into math, you know?

I hadn't even figured out

the numbers yet.

I'm looking at the teacher.

I remember looking at

the teacher saying, "Wait

a minute, it's a trick.

It's impossible.

They're letters."

You got a train

coming towards you at 450 miles

per hour.

You're in a sports car going 150

miles per hour towards

the train.

At what time do you meet at

the station?

I can't figure out the "X," "Y"

thing.

I'm never going to be able to

afford a sports car that can go

that fast, okay?

We don't have high-speed rail in

this country.

If I want to know what time

the train's going to get to

the station, I'll go to

the station, and I'll fucking

wait, right?

I'll look at the screen.

I'll ask the conductor, and then

I'll fucking wait.

They give you a pencil case.

They give you a pencil case.

They give you a pencil case with

the original six NHL hockey

teams on it, right?

Boston, right?

Bruins, right?

I grew up loving that, man.

I grew up loving the Boston

Bruins, man.

You got your pencil case.

You got the six NHL hockey teams

on it.

Inside your pencil case, you got

your bottle of wite-out.

Y-you got y-your compass, which

is basically a metal spear.

You know, they give every kid

a spear that you can screw

a pencil into it, so you can

learn how to draw a circle,

Yeah?

So you can... so you can learn how

to draw a perfect circle.

Thank God they taught us that.

Can't think of where I'd be if

I didn't know how to draw

a circle, right?

Can't think of how many times

I've had to draw a circle in my

adult life.

Went down to the Starbucks

the other day, ordered myself

a triple grande vanilla latte.

They said, "That will be $4.75,

please.

Can you draw a circle?"

I said, "I left...

left my compass out in the car."

"Well, I'm sorry.

We're not going to be able to

help you."

You got... you're six years old.

You got your wite-out.

It's a can of paint.

It's basically a fucking

inhalant and shit, right?

You're walking around.

You're high on fucking paint

fumes.

You got a spear in your hand.

They're telling you the Russians

are coming.

"Come on, you commie fuckers!

We don't give a fuck!

Red Dawn motherfuckers!

Wolverines!

Wolverines!

We got Patrick Swayze,

we got Patrick Swayze, motherfuckers!"

Motherfuckers!"

You know, it's like... it's weird.

You know, you talk about that.

You talk about those memories

from school when you were a kid.

It's like you realize how fast

life goes by.

Just goes like that.

Life.

Boom.

Speeds up.

You ever notice how time speeds

up as you get older?

It does.

It does.

Speeds up.

It's all about your perspective

really.

That's what I figure.

Like when you're four years old,

a year... it's 1/4 of your entire

Life.

It's a huge fraction of time.

You think about that.

It's like, "Well, that's 1/4 of

my life.

That's going to take forever."

Right?

Then when you're ten years old,

it's 1/10 of your life.

A year is much less significant.

It seems to be going fast.

Your perception is it's going by

much faster.

Then suddenly you're 15, you're

30, and you're 50, then you're

fucking dead, you know?

I mean, I don't want to bring

the mood down, but I'm just

saying.

Goes by fast, you know?

Seems like just yesterday I was

in school drawing a circle, had

all these asshole teachers

walking around telling me to

fuck off.

I was looking at them.

I'd say, "I never want to be

some old fucking asshole telling

people to fuck off."

And then suddenly, boom.

You're old.

You're telling people to fuck

off.

You're like, "This is pretty

cool."

It's fun being old and telling

people to fuck off.

I went down to the skateboard

park the other day just to watch

the kids going up and down

the stairs on their skateboard,

doing the little jumps on

their skateboard...

Just so I could tell the kids to

fuck off.

These kids are... these kids are

looking at me, "Who are you?"

"I'm a fucking adult.

This is my fucking turn, you

meddling fucks.

Don't take that away from me!"

These kids turned out to be 35

years old.

Like aging skateboarders.

Kicked the fucking shit out of

me.

You can't fight back too.

You can't fight back when you're

an adult.

That's something... if I can... if I

can... if I can give you any

advice, it's, as you get older,

don't get in a fight, okay?

'Cause...'cause you know how time

speeds up as you get older.

You're a kid.

You're used to fighting.

It's fun. It's cute.

You knock someone's tooth out.

You know, "Ha ha."

You know, you break someone's

wrist, "Ha ha, that's cute."

You know?

But then suddenly you're

an adult, it's not cute anymore.

You go to jail.

You don't even realize you're

an adult.

You're just doing what you been

doing, and suddenly you go to

jail.

Even if it's self-defense.

Even if it's self-defense.

They tell you you can fight in

self-defense, don't fight back,

Even if it's self-defense.

You'll go to jail.

The system's fucked.

You'll go to jail.

Even if it's in self-defense.

All right?

Someone comes up to you.

They poke you in the eye.

You're like, "What the fuck?

Don't you ever fucking punch me

in the...

Man, I don't give a fuck, man!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck!

I don't give a fuck, man!

I don't give a fuck, man!

I don't give a..."

You look down at the ground.

The guy's fucking dead.

Doesn't matter if it's

self-defense.

You're going to jail.

Who are they going to believe?

You or the dead guy?

They're going to believe

the dead guy.

Then you're in jail for the rest

of your life.

You got no other option.

You gotta hang yourself with

your bed sheets.

Huh?

That's your only option, right?

You gotta hang yourself with

your bed sheets, right?

It's not the way you want to go,

right, if you have to make that

choice?

Hanging yourself with your bed

sheets, right?

You have to make that choice.

That's not the way you want to

go.

You don't want that to be your

only option, right?

At least maybe you want

the option to maybe jump off

the option to maybe jump off a bridge maybe, you have the...

a bridge maybe, you have the...

Huh?

No, but you know what I mean.

Like...

At least when you jump off

a bridge, you know, you get

that experience, you know?

You...

You get that five seconds there

of, like, "Oh, fuck!"

You know?

"Maybe I really did want to

live!

Maybe if I just jackknife

a little bit."

"What have I gotten myself into

"What have I gotten myself into this time?"

This time?"

It's awesome.

We got Justin Bieber here

tonight.

How you doing, sir?

Justin Bieber, ladies and

gentlemen.

Justin Bieber, ladies and

gentlemen.

Unbelievable.

Another Canadian coming out to

support me.

Thank you very much.

I think they gotta legalize all

drugs.

You know, save some money.

Legalize drugs.

We don't have to enforce it.

We don't have to tax it.

I'm not just talking about

marijuana.

I'm talking about... I'm talking

about mushrooms.

I'm talking about ecstas...

right?

I'm talking about ecstasy.

I'm talking about acid.

I'm talking about cocaine.

I'm talking about crack.

I'm talking about meth.

Legalize it all, okay?

I just... I don't see why we feel

the need to make laws that

prevent people from doing what

they want to do to themselves.

All right?

I mean, suicide's illegal.

I mean, suicide's illegal. That makes a lot of sense.

That makes a lot of sense.

Wouldn't want to get charged

with suicide.

Wouldn't want that going on my

record.

Is that like a deterrent?

I don't know.

If people want to take cocaine

till they have a heart attack

and die, let them.

It's a tough economy right now.

There's high unemployment.

If 50% of the people in this

country O.D.'d on coke and died,

that would open up the job

market.

I need a job, right?

Yeah.

Cut down on traffic on

the freeway.

Make it easier to get a parking

spot at the Walmart.

I need a fucking job.

Thinking of getting a job in

the funeral home business.

That's a good business.

It's a good business in a tough

economy.

They've done studies.

It's true.

Go to any small town in America.

There it is at the edge of town.

The funeral home.

It's the biggest house in town.

Looks like the governor's

mansion.

It's got Corinthian columns, you

know, like they're trying to

entice us.

You know, I want to die there.

They've got Corinthian columns.

Obviously it's a morbid

occupation.

You know, the more people that

die, the more money you make.

"Yeah, we had a good month.

"Yeah, we had a good month. Had that school bus crash.

Had that school bus crash.

Thinking about getting the new

Corvette actually.

Yeah, if they don't get that

serial rapist-murderer soon, I

may retile the floors out at

may retile the floors out at the lake.

The lake.

Let's just hope he doesn't get

sloppy.

Sometimes they stop wearing

sometimes they stop wearing gloves."

Gloves."

Okay, it's good to see we have

a few sick fucks like me here

a few sick fucks like me here tonight.

Tonight.

Somebody said to me before I

came to Boston, they said, "Have

a safe flight, Tom."

Never say that to someone.

"Have a safe flight."

Thanks.

Thanks for reminding me that

it's not safe.

Thanks for wishing me well on

something I have no control

over.

What, do you want me to take

a dipstick to the airport, kick

the fucking tires, check

the gauges before takeoff?

I have no control over that.

"Have a safe flight."

"Okay, good luck not getting

brain cancer.

Brain cancer. Right back at you, buddy."

Right back at you, buddy."

And, man, you know the political

system in this country is

getting fucked up when half

the cast of Predator has been

the cast of Predator has been elected governor.

Elected governor.

Elected governor.

Donald Trump...

my old boss...

misled the people of America and

the world, made them all think

that he was thinking about

running for president.

Everybody's thinking about

running for president, right?

He was thinking about running

for president.

Of course he was doing this

'cause he wanted to improve

the ratings on his show.

And media, of course, reported

on it with glee.

Something to talk about today.

While he was doing this a few

months ago, he said,

"Barack Obama is the worst

president in the history of

the United States."

So the next day, to retaliate,

Barack Obama kills

Osama bin Laden, right?

Osama bin Laden, right? Just like that.

Just like that.

Then he makes the announcement

during that week's episode of

Celebrity Apprentice, to

ratings' disaster.

Well played, sir.

Well played, sir. Well played.

Well played.

Went to an Ethiopian restaurant

the other day.

The other day. I was curious.

I was curious.

I'd always been under

the impression they didn't have

the impression they didn't have food in Ethiopia.

Food in Ethiopia.

Man, the service was slow.

You know, by the time the waiter

got to the table, I was

practically starving.

The menu was limited, you know?

They said, "We're all out of

everything and waiting for

everything and waiting for the Red Cross."

The Red Cross."

Walt Disney froze his head.

Walt Disney froze his head.

He froze his head.

He put it in a cryogenic

facility, so he could be brought

back to life in the future when

they find a cure for whatever it

was that killed him, right?

I think it was cancer that

killed him, although I'm sure

the decapitation didn't help,

right?

So...

Just see in, like, 100 years

from now, some future doctor

with some future Mrs. Disney,

"You know, I'm sorry,

Mrs. Disney.

You know, we've... we've cured

cancer.

We've cured heart disease.

We've cured kidney disease.

In fact, pretty much the only

thing we haven't cured is

decapitation.

He really made this hard for us.

Just going to put the head back

Just going to put the head back in the fridge now."

In the fridge now."

You know... You know what occurred

to me?

There's no cheese in Chinese

There's no cheese in Chinese food.

Food.

There's no cheese in Chinese

Food.

What, the Chinese don't eat

cheese or something like that?

Right?

Yeah, they'll eat monkey brain,

they'll eat shark fin soup,

they'll eat a boiled tiger

penis, but no cheese?

I don't know about you guys, but

I think a nice, boiled tiger

penis would be better with

a little Parmesan, don't you

think?

Who buys porn magazines anymore?

The magazines.

The magazines.

The magazines.

You buy the magazines?

What, no internet?

I was in the 7-eleven.

I'm looking.

I'm seeing the porn magazines.

I'm thinking, "Who buys those?"

And I thought, "It's for

the homeless, the homeless."

You know, they have needs,

right, you know?

I mean, it's hard getting some

alone time under the overpass

obviously.

Plus you gotta take off your six

pairs of pants.

"Hey, you, what are you doing

there?"

"Me?"

"I was just

eating trash!"

You gotta come up with

an excuse, right?

It's actually less embarrassing

to get caught eating trash than

it is to get caught jacking off

under an overpass.

They've done studies.

Who likes porn?

Come on.

Come on, Boston.

Who likes porn?

Yeah.

"Yeah, we like to watch people

fuck on the computer!"

Fuck on the computer!"

I just think we're living in

a crazy world, man.

This is what I'm talking about.

Crazy world.

The world's gone crazy.

I think it's... you know, that's

the thing.

The internet... we can see

anything instantly.

The innocence in our world is

gone.

I think we gotta be careful.

We're giving away too much.

I don't think we've thought it

through.

I liked it better when I was

a kid.

They didn't have the internet

when I was 14 years old when

porn mattered most.

You couldn't get a picture of

a naked woman if you tried, and

I tried.

I tried.

It was impossible.

It was impossible. It was like a porn drought.

It was like a porn drought.

It was just a different thing.

And you'd have to imagine it.

You'd have to imagine what

a naked lady looked like, and

you did.

You would get excited when

the Sears catalog arrived.

You would run to the mailbox,

okay?

You'd run to the mailbox, whip

it open to the brassiere

section, you know, maybe catch

an outline of a nipple.

That was porn.

And... and they didn't have

Photoshop back then, right?

So sometimes there would be

a little error in there, like

you'd catch a glimpse of some

camel toe or something like

that.

You get some camel toe, that was

a score, okay?

That was a score.

That was a "clip that one out,

keep that one for later."

That was a score, okay?

You go to JCPenney catalog.

The JCPenney catalog was

the raunch catalog.

That was the bad lighting and

shit.

They have

the methamphetamine-addicted

models and shit, the toothless

m..."Give me a swimsuit.

I'll do whatever the fuck you

want," you know?

That was a score.

And the women back then had

the big, puffy bushes.

You go to the lace underwear

section.

You know, sometimes there would

be a little fucking straggler

making a break for it, you know?

Ehh, little gremlin, you know?

Mehh, ehh, little gremlin, you

know?

Ehh, don't get it wet.

Don't feed it after midnight.

Ehh.

That doesn't even refer to what

I was talking about, so...

He noticed, he noticed.

He notices everything.

Yeah.

That was a score, right?

That was a "keep that one under

the mattress for later."

That was a score.

Yeah, one of those stragglers.

Yeah, one of those stragglers.

Then some kid would always find

a Penthouse magazine way out in

the woods.

Like...

Like it didn't make any sense.

It was impossible how it got

that far into the woods.

It was impossible.

It's like some porn fairy left

it out there.

It was impossible.

I remember I was walking through

the woods with my friend Mark.

We had our Swiss Army knives

out.

You know, we're carving sticks,

sharpening the ends of trees,

pretending to be Rambo making

traps.

You bend the tree over, you put

a rock on it.

You walk away.

You never hear about the guy

that gets blinded two weeks

later just... just having fun in

the woods.

The woods. Boys will be boys, huh?

Boys will be boys, huh?

Remember we were standing there.

Remember the sun was coming down

through the trees and hitting

the ground, and there it was,

jutting out from under a rock...

the Penthouse logo.

I couldn't believe it.

I saw it.

My friend Mark saw it.

He saw that I saw it.

I saw that he saw it.

I ran for that thing.

I got there first.

I had it in my hands.

He grabs it.

He's pulling it.

The things breaks in half,

right?

I turn around, my friend Mark is

gone.

Instantly gone.

Didn't see him again for

a month.

Didn't go home.

He was jacking off in a hollow

log for a month, right?

Having a gang bang with

Smurfette at Gargamel's castle

for a month.

I remember I had these... I

remember I had these 15 pages of

a Penthouse magazine.

I remember I was flipping

through it, seeing things I'd

never seen before in my entire

life, right?

Maybe the pages were all stuck

together from the rain.

It was rain.

I couldn't believe it, man.

This... it was such an innocent

world though, right?

I was afraid to have this in my

possession.

This was the most contraband

thing I'd ever had in my life.

I would've been less nervous if

I'd found a kilo of coke, you

know?

I would've..."Hey, guys, look

what I found," you know?

I had it under my shirt.

I hadn't even left the woods

yet, you know?

The forest animals are looking

at me judgmentally.

Just had to get home.

Kids are playing road hockey on

the street..."Tommy!"

"Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off!"

Just had to get home.

I had to get down to

the basement.

Had to get down to the basement

behind the furnace.

Had to get down to the basement

behind the furnace.

Had to get down to the basement

behind the furnace.

We did not have a circular

staircase.

Staircase. I don't know why I'm doing this.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

It was just such an innocent

time.

You're down there behind

the furnace with the 15

tattered pages of a Penthouse

magazine.

You got the iron out.

You're ironing it like you're

restoring a painting, you know?

You're...

just gotta be...

just gotta be quiet.

Your parents are upstairs

creaking on the wood floors.

"Shh, shh.

"Shh, shh. Gotta be quiet.

Gotta be quiet.

Shh, shh."

It's like you were in Das Boot.

It's a submarine movie...

Das Boot.

They do...

Das Boot was the German

submarine movie.

The Hunt for Red October was

the Russian submarine movie.

Uh, you can tell the difference

'cause I-in Das Boot, some of

them are wearing jeans.

Them are wearing jeans. Um...

Um...

Oh, you know, but...

I miss that.

I really do.

I miss that... that innocence,

right?

Seeing things like that for

the first time, you know?

Now you got 15-year-olds having

their first sexual experience

looking at two girls, one cup.

It's disgusting.

What is happening to us, right?

You know, people are addicted to

the porn.

You know, I kept that thing for

ten years, man.

I still have it actually, but...

Now you got people addicted to

pornography.

They can't.

They gotta watch more and more.

They can't, can't, can't get

enough of the stuff.

You know, "I like watching

threesomes."

"Oh, I like watching gang

bangs."

"Oh, I like watching MILF gang

bangs."

"Oh, I don't really get off

unless there's a triple homicide

involved myself, right?

Triplehomicidegangbangmilf.com,

$5.95 a month is my fetish."

The hell's wrong with us?

What the hell is wrong with us?

What's happening to us, right?

We're living in this world that

just rewards bad behavior.

We love watching people fail.

Seems today like celebrities...

They gotta do more and more

outrageous things to stay

relevant, you know?

Get a DUI, get caught

shoplifting, hump a dead moose.

What's wrong with these people?

What the hell is wrong?

Used to be if you were 16 and

pregnant, you'd get in trouble.

Now you get a TV show.

Now you're from the Jersey

Shore, you're mildly retarded,

you're an instant millionaire.

You know, the thing is I started

out my little public access

show.

I was a kid.

I took television broadcasting

at Algonquin College named after

the Algonquin Indians, who were

also great broadcasters, okay?

Smoke signals, you know,

earliest form of broadcasting.

I, uh... I painted my parents'

house plaid and filmed their

reactions.

Early '90s.

We did the show... I did the show

for seven years before it got

picked up by MTV in Canada.

No one knew about it.

I was living in my parents'

basement just trying to figure

out what I was going to do with

my life, you know?

I... I painted lesbian pornography

on the hood of my parents' car.

Right?

The slut-mobile.

Dad came out.

There were sluts on his car.

He's like, "Jesus Christ."

Got a video camera in his face.

He couldn't take the slut-mobile

to work.

He had to take the bus to work,

right?

I followed him to the bus stop

in the slut-mobile with the video

camera.

All the neighbors are looking at

the sluts on his car.

You know, J...

We had a good time.

That's just amazing to me, you

know, I'm doing this little show

on public access TV.

And MTV picked it up, and it

changed my life.

And I really gotta thank MTV for

that, 'cause if they hadn't

picked up that little show, I'm

sure a lot of y'all wouldn't

have seen it, and I wouldn't

have the privilege of being here

and performing for you in Boston

tonight, so...

Daddy, would you like some

sausage?

Daddy, would you like some

sausage?

Daddy, would you like some

sausage?

That's from my movie

Freddy Got Fingered.

Freddy Got Fingered...

The most critically reviled film

in the history of cinema.

But you cheer.

You cheer when I say, "Daddy,

would you like some sausage?"

That makes a lot of sense,

right?

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm thinking of doing

a sequel actually for...

Yeah.

Freddy Got Fisted.

I'm the backwards man,

the backwards man.

Backwards man, the backwards

man.

I can walk backwards fast as you

can.

I can walk backwards fast as you

can.

I moved to Los Angeles.

I got the opportunity to make

a movie.

I'm like, "Uh, what am I going

to do here?

Look at me!

I'm wearing my cheese helmet!"

What the fuck was I thinking,

man?

The fuck was I thinking?

"Listen to my hooves.

Listen to my hooves.

Listen to them cloppety-clop.

Listen to them cloppety-clop."

What the fuck was I thinking?

"My bum is on the cheese.

My bum is on the cheese.

If I get lucky, I'll get

a disease."

It's like, two weeks after I

wrote that song, I got

wrote that song, I got testicular cancer.

Testicular cancer.

I know, maybe not the right time

to bring it up, you know, but,

uh, I bring it up because I did

a documentary for MTV about my

battle with cancer.

And of lot of people saw it, so

n...

Yeah.

So now whenever I enter a room

like this, everybody looks at me

and says, "There's

and says, "There's the uniballer."

The uniballer."

Sometimes I think about my

battle with cancer, and I think

I wouldn't trade it for

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Anything.

Then I think, "No, I'd trade it

Then I think, "No, I'd trade it for my right testicle."

For my right testicle."

Wouldn't mind getting that back.

The doctor asked me if I wanted

to get one of those fake balls.

I'm like, "That's so cliche,

man.

Everyone's getting these fake

nuts these days."

I do want to tell you guys

something about my ball.

It hangs directly in the middle.

It hangs directly in the middle. Mrohh.

Mrohh.

Tickles when you touch it.

Mrahh.

And it can still ejaculate!

Come on, Boston.

Come on, Boston!

I... can... still... ejaculate!

I can still ejaculate.

I can still ejaculate!

Just a little.

I froze my sperm in a cryogenic

facility as backup.

I'm like the Walt Disney of

jizz, okay?

My friends call me Walt Jizzney.

I, uh... I figured out the cause

of testicular cancer.

You won't read this in

the medical books.

The doctors won't tell you this.

This is based on my own

research.

The cause of testicular cancer

is masturbation.

Start panicking now, guys.

It's definitely masturbation.

As a teenager, I was a "much

higher than average frequency"

"jacker offer," okay?

It's one of the few things I

excelled at, you know?

There's so much DNA in

the basement where I grew up,

you could clone me.

My... my dad would come down to

wake me up in the morning.

He'd be wearing a hazmat suit.

It's like... you know how you

remember where you were and what

you were doing when major events

happened in the world, like when

Reagan got shot?

I remember what I was doing.

I was jacking off, right?

You guys have been awesome

tonight, and I just wanted to

say thank you, thank you, thank

you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I couldn't be prouder to film my

first comedy special in your

beautiful town.

And, uh, you know...

You know, and I will say,

sincerely, you know, ten years

ago, the doctor... he looked at

me, and he said, "Tom, you've

got testicular cancer.

But don't worry about it.

There's a 90% chance you're

going to live."

And I looked at the doctor, and

I said, "I'm fucking dead,"

right?

And I meant it, right?

And I did something I'd never

done before in my entire life.

I found myself praying to God

for real, like he's a real guy

who is listening to me.

And he's going to do what I'm

asking him to do, which is allow

me to live.

And I'm alive, and I'll tell

you, after you go through

something like that... after you

beat cancer, it makes sweet

nights like tonight in Boston

that much sweeter, okay?

So stay positive.

Enjoy every second, man, 'cause

I'm alive, and we're all alive.

We're the people in Boston that

are still alive, so let's

fucking party tonight, man.

Good night, everybody.

You've been awesome.

Thank you very much.

I love you.

I love you.

♪ What you gonna do ♪

♪ When you're sittin' ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ In your empty-ass home ♪

♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪

♪ Sawed-off? ♪

♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪

♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪

♪ Off the rock ship ♪

♪ What you gonna do ♪

♪ When you're sittin' ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ In your empty-ass home ♪

♪ With the motherfuckin' ♪

♪ Sawed-off? ♪

♪ Sawed-off? Pop off the rock ship ♪

♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪

♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪

♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪

♪ Pop, pop, p-pop off the rock ship ♪

♪ Off the rock ship ♪

♪ Pop off the rock ship ♪

♪ Pop, pop, p-pop ♪