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1
00:00:00,913 --> 00:00:03,124
[ Music plays on TV ]
2
00:00:03,207 --> 00:00:04,542
Eddie, you got something
from a novelty company?
3
00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:05,918
Ooh!
My X-ray specs.
4
00:00:06,001 --> 00:00:08,254
I hurt my hand. I just want
to make sure it isn't broken.
5
00:00:08,337 --> 00:00:10,214
Anything for me from
the Super Sugar Crisp people?
6
00:00:10,297 --> 00:00:12,842
No, just a postcard
from Tony the Tiger.
7
00:00:12,925 --> 00:00:15,636
He says
he's grrrrravely ill.
8
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:16,887
Gonna guess diabetes.
9
00:00:16,971 --> 00:00:18,222
William: I wouldn't
get my hopes up.
10
00:00:18,305 --> 00:00:21,100
A million kids sent in
a box-top for that contest.
11
00:00:21,183 --> 00:00:22,601
You also had to
write an essay --
12
00:00:22,685 --> 00:00:24,979
"Why I Deserve To Appear
On 'The Partridge Family'."
13
00:00:25,062 --> 00:00:27,189
I spent the first 19 pages
crapping on "The Brady Bunch."
14
00:00:27,273 --> 00:00:28,482
No love lost there.
15
00:00:28,566 --> 00:00:30,985
It's "Munsters" versus
"Addams Family" all over again.
16
00:00:31,068 --> 00:00:32,695
But you like
"The Brady Bunch."
17
00:00:32,778 --> 00:00:34,739
And if they have a contest, I'll
crap on "The Partridge Family."
18
00:00:34,822 --> 00:00:37,616
It's called show business,
not show friendship.
19
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:39,410
It's all covered
in my essay.
20
00:00:39,493 --> 00:00:41,120
Don't expect rock 'n' rollers
like the Partridges
21
00:00:41,203 --> 00:00:42,955
to get back to you
in a timely fashion.
22
00:00:43,038 --> 00:00:44,498
"Come On Get Happy!"
[ Laughs ]
23
00:00:44,582 --> 00:00:46,375
We all know
how they get happy.
24
00:00:46,459 --> 00:00:47,877
Marijuana cigarettes.
I got it.
25
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,420
Your father and I
are leaving.
26
00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:52,214
But, don't worry. It's not
the big one yet. We'll be back.
27
00:00:52,298 --> 00:00:54,133
William, keep an eye
on the baby. Right-ee-o.
28
00:00:54,216 --> 00:00:55,468
I'm taking your mother
for her driving test,
29
00:00:55,551 --> 00:00:56,886
so stay off the streets
and sidewalks.
30
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:58,804
[ Laughs ]
In fact, just to be safe,
31
00:00:58,888 --> 00:01:00,139
you might want
to hide indoors.
32
00:01:00,222 --> 00:01:01,432
[ Laughter ]
33
00:01:01,515 --> 00:01:03,350
I rehearsed the
"streets and sidewalk" part.
34
00:01:03,434 --> 00:01:06,228
The -- The "hide indoors,"
that -- that just hit me.
35
00:01:06,312 --> 00:01:08,105
The way Mom would
with a car.
36
00:01:08,189 --> 00:01:09,565
With these on,
I can look through walls
37
00:01:09,648 --> 00:01:10,858
and see if she's coming.
38
00:01:10,941 --> 00:01:12,193
[ Laughter ]
39
00:01:12,276 --> 00:01:13,486
Did you see that
coming?
40
00:01:13,569 --> 00:01:14,737
All my boys
are so funny.
41
00:01:14,820 --> 00:01:16,030
Look out, Bob Hope!
42
00:01:16,113 --> 00:01:17,823
Why? Are you driving
near his house?
43
00:01:17,907 --> 00:01:19,575
[ Stifled laughter ]
Knock it off!
44
00:01:19,658 --> 00:01:20,910
It's rude to joke about
45
00:01:20,993 --> 00:01:22,995
the very real danger
of Mom's driving.
46
00:01:23,078 --> 00:01:24,622
It's not
worth the risk, Mom.
47
00:01:24,705 --> 00:01:26,290
I want us
to grow old together.
48
00:01:26,373 --> 00:01:27,750
Suddenly, a trip
through the windshield
49
00:01:27,833 --> 00:01:29,043
doesn't sound so bad.
50
00:01:30,503 --> 00:01:32,421
{\an8}[ Laughter ]
51
00:01:32,505 --> 00:01:33,923
{\an8}Adult Timmy: Weeks had passedsince I'd entered
52
00:01:34,006 --> 00:01:35,424
{\an8}the "Partridge Family" contest.
53
00:01:35,508 --> 00:01:37,176
{\an8}I started to accept reality --
54
00:01:37,259 --> 00:01:39,011
{\an8}my essay obviouslygot lost in the mail.
55
00:01:39,094 --> 00:01:41,263
I decided to deliver it myself.
56
00:01:41,347 --> 00:01:43,891
{\an8}Hey, chief.
Working hard or hardly working?
57
00:01:43,974 --> 00:01:45,267
{\an8}How's the wife?
Mean as a snake.
58
00:01:45,351 --> 00:01:46,560
Wait a second!
59
00:01:46,644 --> 00:01:49,063
{\an8}You're not someone I share
cheap shots at my wife with.
60
00:01:49,146 --> 00:01:50,940
{\an8}What are you
trying to pull?
61
00:01:51,023 --> 00:01:52,483
{\an8}I just have to go
drop something off
62
00:01:52,566 --> 00:01:54,026
{\an8}at the "Partridge Family"
offices.
63
00:01:54,109 --> 00:01:56,111
And are the "Partridge" people
expecting you?
64
00:01:56,195 --> 00:01:57,696
{\an8}I'm exactly
what they're not expecting,
65
00:01:57,780 --> 00:01:58,948
{\an8}and that's
what makes me pop.
66
00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:00,407
{\an8}Oh, pop? Don't pop.
67
00:02:00,491 --> 00:02:02,326
{\an8}That's not how
we do things around here.
68
00:02:02,409 --> 00:02:05,996
{\an8}It's called show business,
not show surprises!
69
00:02:06,080 --> 00:02:08,374
{\an8}Eh, "Partridge" auditions
are next week.
70
00:02:08,457 --> 00:02:10,125
{\an8}No, I'm here for
the Super Sugar Crisp contest.
71
00:02:10,209 --> 00:02:11,669
{\an8}Oh, that's over.
72
00:02:11,752 --> 00:02:13,879
{\an8}They hired some kid
with a plate in his head for the publicity.
73
00:02:13,963 --> 00:02:15,297
Nice kid, though.
74
00:02:15,381 --> 00:02:17,299
He let us throw
refrigerator magnets at him.
75
00:02:17,383 --> 00:02:19,426
Wait, you said something
about another audition?
76
00:02:19,510 --> 00:02:20,928
{\an8}They're replacing
one of the kids.
77
00:02:21,011 --> 00:02:23,138
{\an8}And word on
the fake New York street is
78
00:02:23,222 --> 00:02:26,058
{\an8}they're replacing
Danny Bonaduce, "The Duce."
79
00:02:26,141 --> 00:02:27,476
"The Duce"?
80
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,645
{\an8}Oh, that's what
we're contractually required to call him.
81
00:02:29,728 --> 00:02:32,231
{\an8}But I believe they've had enough
of his reign of terror!
82
00:02:32,314 --> 00:02:34,316
{\an8}You know, that guy
once threw apple juice at me.
83
00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:36,235
{\an8}Throwing apple juice?
84
00:02:36,318 --> 00:02:38,153
{\an8}I've got to
get into this audition!
85
00:02:42,658 --> 00:02:44,243
{\an8}[ Thud ]
Oof!
86
00:02:44,326 --> 00:02:46,245
{\an8}Really drilled
that squirrel.
87
00:02:46,328 --> 00:02:49,123
{\an8}It's actually safer
than swerving to avoid them.
88
00:02:49,206 --> 00:02:50,374
{\an8}You're doing quite well.
89
00:02:50,457 --> 00:02:52,251
{\an8}Tell that to my husband.
90
00:02:52,334 --> 00:02:54,628
{\an8}He's very ignorant
when it comes to women drivers.
91
00:02:54,712 --> 00:02:56,714
{\an8}We all know the real problem
is these "guests"
92
00:02:56,797 --> 00:02:58,424
{\an8}from other countries.
93
00:02:58,507 --> 00:03:01,760
Last vehicle they drove
was a yak or a magic carpet.
94
00:03:01,844 --> 00:03:03,679
{\an8}O...kay.
95
00:03:03,762 --> 00:03:06,140
{\an8}Uh, so,
now make a left here.
96
00:03:06,223 --> 00:03:07,391
{\an8}Oh, no, thank you, Ron.
97
00:03:07,474 --> 00:03:08,767
{\an8}You just tell me
where you want to go,
98
00:03:08,851 --> 00:03:10,019
{\an8}I'll get you there
some other way.
99
00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:11,353
{\an8}Oh, left turns
are part of the test.
100
00:03:11,437 --> 00:03:12,855
[ Sighs ]
101
00:03:12,938 --> 00:03:15,566
Stop at the intersection
and then proceed when safe.
102
00:03:15,649 --> 00:03:17,985
[ Turn signal clicking ]
103
00:03:19,778 --> 00:03:21,280
"When safe."
104
00:03:22,698 --> 00:03:23,824
{\an8}You know what's safe,
Ron?
105
00:03:23,908 --> 00:03:25,159
{\an8}Going right.
106
00:03:25,242 --> 00:03:26,827
[ Horns honking ]
Go now, 'cause it's yellow.
107
00:03:26,911 --> 00:03:28,579
Yellow means danger.
We're just gonna go straight.
108
00:03:28,662 --> 00:03:31,582
[ Tires squeal ]
Oh! Okay.
109
00:03:31,665 --> 00:03:33,876
{\an8}That was a big failure
back there. [ Sighs ]
110
00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:35,461
{\an8}Fine, fine. Just take
a couple points off.
111
00:03:35,544 --> 00:03:36,962
{\an8}Then we can drive around,
I'll hit a few squirrels,
112
00:03:37,046 --> 00:03:38,672
{\an8}and we'll push that grade
back up.
113
00:03:40,215 --> 00:03:41,884
I'm a shoo-in to be
the new Danny.
114
00:03:41,967 --> 00:03:44,929
I mean, I've got the talent,
plus the red hair.
115
00:03:45,012 --> 00:03:46,472
Plus, I've built relationships
on the show. Look.
116
00:03:46,555 --> 00:03:47,848
"Love, Susan Dey."
117
00:03:47,932 --> 00:03:49,850
Yeah. It's her real name --
intimate.
118
00:03:49,934 --> 00:03:51,185
Won't that be weird
for you
119
00:03:51,268 --> 00:03:52,519
when you have to play
brother and sister?
120
00:03:52,603 --> 00:03:54,438
Okay. I think
we're both professionals.
121
00:03:54,521 --> 00:03:56,148
Hold my Clackers.
122
00:03:56,231 --> 00:03:57,983
I'm going outside
to play on the monkey bars.
123
00:03:58,067 --> 00:04:00,277
I hope the monkeys
show up this time.
124
00:04:00,361 --> 00:04:02,112
[ Sighs ] Pat has
clacked himself in the head
125
00:04:02,196 --> 00:04:03,405
one too many times.
126
00:04:04,615 --> 00:04:05,616
Is that
Laurie Partridge?
127
00:04:05,699 --> 00:04:07,034
Do you know her?
128
00:04:07,117 --> 00:04:08,869
They have an ongoing
intimate correspondence.
129
00:04:08,953 --> 00:04:11,163
And it looks like
I may be joining the show.
130
00:04:11,246 --> 00:04:13,123
On television?
We're not talking dinner theater.
131
00:04:13,207 --> 00:04:14,124
Jinkies!
132
00:04:14,208 --> 00:04:16,335
What is David Cassidy
really like?
133
00:04:16,418 --> 00:04:18,087
Describe him slowly,
starting with his lips.
134
00:04:18,170 --> 00:04:19,755
Timmy: They're good people
over there.
135
00:04:19,838 --> 00:04:21,382
You know, a set
becomes like a family.
136
00:04:21,465 --> 00:04:23,258
Though I hadn't evenscheduled an audition yet,
137
00:04:23,342 --> 00:04:25,803
I decided to getsome early buzz going.
138
00:04:25,886 --> 00:04:27,304
Joey also saw an opportunity.
139
00:04:27,388 --> 00:04:29,139
Anybody wanna pay
3 bucks
140
00:04:29,223 --> 00:04:31,809
for this rare,
one-of-a-kind picture?
141
00:04:31,892 --> 00:04:33,560
I'll buy it for $2.
142
00:04:33,644 --> 00:04:35,437
It's called show business,
not show discount, sweetie.
143
00:04:35,521 --> 00:04:36,605
Who's got
three simoleons?
144
00:04:36,689 --> 00:04:38,273
I'll take it.
145
00:04:38,357 --> 00:04:39,650
Thank you.
146
00:04:39,733 --> 00:04:41,193
Could you sign
my Pee Chee folder?
147
00:04:41,276 --> 00:04:44,405
I also have
Chris Partridge's Clackers,
148
00:04:44,488 --> 00:04:46,407
as seen in an episode.
149
00:04:46,490 --> 00:04:47,282
I loved that episode!
150
00:04:48,617 --> 00:04:49,868
What's your name?
151
00:04:49,952 --> 00:04:51,495
Danny,how about it, huh?
152
00:04:51,578 --> 00:04:52,997
You ready to rehearsewith us or not?
153
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:54,289
Oh, sure, Keith.
154
00:04:54,373 --> 00:04:56,542
I'm really readyto rehearse the music.
155
00:04:56,625 --> 00:04:58,377
I should learn how to play
the bass for my audition.
156
00:04:58,460 --> 00:05:00,087
I could give you
some pointers.
157
00:05:00,170 --> 00:05:02,798
It's gonna be tough replacing
an icon like Danny Bonaduce.
158
00:05:02,881 --> 00:05:04,633
When they see my interpretation
of the role,
159
00:05:04,717 --> 00:05:07,136
they'll be calling him
Danny Bona-who?-chee.
160
00:05:08,512 --> 00:05:10,305
You better hope
that show has writers.
161
00:05:10,389 --> 00:05:12,516
That Ron character
was completely unreasonable.
162
00:05:12,599 --> 00:05:14,143
What's so important
about left turns?
163
00:05:14,226 --> 00:05:16,979
Well, as far as turns go,
it's one of The Big Two.
164
00:05:17,062 --> 00:05:19,064
Failing a test is nothing
to be embarrassed about.
165
00:05:19,148 --> 00:05:20,816
I fail at stuff
all the time
166
00:05:20,899 --> 00:05:22,484
and still feel good
about myself.
167
00:05:22,568 --> 00:05:23,485
Well, you shouldn't.
168
00:05:23,569 --> 00:05:24,611
Peggy: I made it clear.
169
00:05:24,695 --> 00:05:26,488
I simply wanted
a "no left turn" license,
170
00:05:26,572 --> 00:05:27,740
like all the celebrities
have.
171
00:05:27,823 --> 00:05:29,408
I don't think
that's a real thing.
172
00:05:29,491 --> 00:05:32,786
They have special licenses --
for taxicabs and tractors.
173
00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:34,413
That Oscar Mayer
Wienermobile --
174
00:05:34,496 --> 00:05:35,914
no one's making a left
in the wiener.
175
00:05:35,998 --> 00:05:37,291
Frank:
I'm on your side, Mom.
176
00:05:37,374 --> 00:05:39,043
It's totally unfair
to expect a woman
177
00:05:39,126 --> 00:05:40,919
to have the same ability
with machines as a man.
178
00:05:41,003 --> 00:05:42,212
That's just science.
179
00:05:42,296 --> 00:05:43,672
Mom's good
with lots of machines,
180
00:05:43,756 --> 00:05:45,382
like the washing machine
and the stove.
181
00:05:45,466 --> 00:05:48,594
Yeah, but those don't
put people's lives in peril.
182
00:05:48,677 --> 00:05:50,429
There was that time
she served us those clams
183
00:05:50,512 --> 00:05:52,431
she scraped off the posts from
under the Santa Monica Pier.
184
00:05:52,514 --> 00:05:53,640
[ Scoffs ]
We all knew going in
185
00:05:53,724 --> 00:05:55,476
free shellfish
was not without risk.
186
00:05:55,559 --> 00:05:56,977
There was nothing wrong
with those clams.
187
00:05:57,061 --> 00:05:58,562
You kids brought
something home from school.
188
00:05:58,645 --> 00:06:01,023
I got real hot,
and then I could hear colors.
189
00:06:01,106 --> 00:06:02,357
I liked it!
190
00:06:02,441 --> 00:06:03,650
Thank you, Pat.
191
00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:05,194
Think we owe ourselves
a beach day.
192
00:06:05,277 --> 00:06:06,862
You'll take that test
again, Peg.
193
00:06:06,945 --> 00:06:08,614
I'll tutor you
on left turns.
194
00:06:08,697 --> 00:06:10,491
We can go
to the graveyard...
195
00:06:10,574 --> 00:06:12,868
[ Chuckling ]
...so you can't hurt anyone.
196
00:06:12,951 --> 00:06:15,245
[ Laughter ]
I don't need any help from you Burns and Schreibers.
197
00:06:15,329 --> 00:06:17,790
I'll practice with
my good friend Helen Portollo,
198
00:06:17,873 --> 00:06:19,208
and she can take me
to the test.
199
00:06:19,291 --> 00:06:21,126
You hate your good friend
Helen Portollo.
200
00:06:21,210 --> 00:06:23,462
At least she's not
a cackling jackanape.
201
00:06:23,545 --> 00:06:25,464
Plus, she and Steven
are having martial problems,
202
00:06:25,547 --> 00:06:28,175
so if I don't pass,
I'll have that to cheer me up.
203
00:06:28,258 --> 00:06:31,553
But my mom chose Helen foran entirely different reason.
204
00:06:31,637 --> 00:06:34,264
She didn't just ask Helen totake her to the driving test.
205
00:06:34,348 --> 00:06:36,600
She asked Helen totake the driving test for her.
206
00:06:36,683 --> 00:06:37,768
[ Whispering ] Psst.
207
00:06:37,851 --> 00:06:39,603
What do I say
is your weight?
208
00:06:39,686 --> 00:06:41,313
[ Whispering ]
Just put down your weight
209
00:06:41,396 --> 00:06:43,273
and subtract 20 pounds.
210
00:06:43,357 --> 00:06:44,983
Use my age, not yours.
211
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:47,236
I don't want to have to take
this test again in six months.
212
00:06:47,319 --> 00:06:49,071
Helen had no problemmaking left turns.
213
00:06:49,154 --> 00:06:50,364
In fact, my mom was with her
214
00:06:50,447 --> 00:06:52,032
when she left-turnedup her driveway
215
00:06:52,116 --> 00:06:54,034
and right overher husband's golf clubs.
216
00:06:54,118 --> 00:06:56,120
So Helen had no choicebut to help.
217
00:06:56,203 --> 00:06:58,539
Any chance you remember
your actual hair color?
218
00:06:58,622 --> 00:07:00,624
It's gonna be you
in the picture, so whatever that is.
219
00:07:00,707 --> 00:07:01,834
Scarecrow Number Nine?
220
00:07:03,252 --> 00:07:04,628
[ Scoffs ]
221
00:07:04,711 --> 00:07:06,505
[ Camera whirring ]
222
00:07:06,588 --> 00:07:08,549
Man: Smile, Mrs. Cleary.
223
00:07:08,632 --> 00:07:09,925
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
224
00:07:13,011 --> 00:07:15,139
This one goes
to Cathy with a "C,"
225
00:07:15,222 --> 00:07:17,558
"XOXO, David Cassidy."
226
00:07:17,641 --> 00:07:18,976
And throw in
an extra "XO"
227
00:07:19,059 --> 00:07:20,644
because daddy likey
Cathy with a "C."
228
00:07:20,727 --> 00:07:22,354
I feel like
we're crossing a line here.
229
00:07:22,437 --> 00:07:23,856
Oh, unbunch your panties.
230
00:07:23,939 --> 00:07:25,440
It's Hollywood.
We're selling dreams.
231
00:07:25,524 --> 00:07:27,234
We're selling hair
you clipped off Eddie and Lawrence
232
00:07:27,317 --> 00:07:28,569
while they were sleeping.
233
00:07:28,652 --> 00:07:29,945
While they were dreaming.
234
00:07:30,028 --> 00:07:32,072
It's probably
against the law.
235
00:07:32,156 --> 00:07:33,907
William...
236
00:07:33,991 --> 00:07:36,243
these are the precious days
of our youth,
237
00:07:36,326 --> 00:07:38,162
when we can't
be tried as adults.
238
00:07:38,245 --> 00:07:40,080
Cherish this fragile time,
239
00:07:40,164 --> 00:07:42,332
because it'll be gone
in a blink.
240
00:07:42,416 --> 00:07:44,168
I have been trying for weeks,
and I can't get into
241
00:07:44,251 --> 00:07:45,919
that audition
for "The Partridge Family."
242
00:07:46,003 --> 00:07:47,629
Aren't you supposed to have
an agent for that stuff?
243
00:07:47,713 --> 00:07:49,089
My agent bugs them
every day.
244
00:07:49,173 --> 00:07:51,175
I told them you're a pisher
with the punim of a star,
245
00:07:51,258 --> 00:07:52,176
but they're meshuggah
over there.
246
00:07:52,259 --> 00:07:53,510
I...
247
00:07:53,594 --> 00:07:55,137
I'm gonna have to
go down to the studio
248
00:07:55,220 --> 00:07:56,763
and talk
to someone in casting.
249
00:07:56,847 --> 00:07:58,307
While you're there,
bring home a few trinkets --
250
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,225
a gum wrapper
from Shirley Jones,
251
00:08:00,309 --> 00:08:01,810
David Cassidy's comb.
252
00:08:01,894 --> 00:08:04,146
Or, if the situation
presents itself,
253
00:08:04,229 --> 00:08:05,814
hot-wire that crazy bus.
254
00:08:05,898 --> 00:08:07,733
I can't steal
from future co-stars.
255
00:08:07,816 --> 00:08:10,527
Acting exists
within a cocoon of trust.
256
00:08:10,611 --> 00:08:13,697
It's called show business,
not show ripping-people-off.
257
00:08:13,780 --> 00:08:16,116
Hey, Joey,
what's up with the hair?
258
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,826
Just making wigs
for sick children.
259
00:08:17,910 --> 00:08:19,953
It's a program
I call "Joey Cares."
260
00:08:20,037 --> 00:08:22,789
You jerk! You cut
a big clump off my head while I was sleeping!
261
00:08:22,873 --> 00:08:25,000
All donations to "Joey Cares"
are tax-deductible.
262
00:08:25,083 --> 00:08:28,003
You cut my hair again
and Joey will hurt.
263
00:08:28,086 --> 00:08:29,087
And no one will care.
264
00:08:29,171 --> 00:08:30,714
That's not
the worst of it.
265
00:08:30,797 --> 00:08:32,591
He is peddling this junk
266
00:08:32,674 --> 00:08:34,635
to little school kids
on playgrounds.
267
00:08:34,718 --> 00:08:36,678
You seem to know a lot
about my activities.
268
00:08:36,762 --> 00:08:38,555
In the still of the night,
I walk the house
269
00:08:38,639 --> 00:08:40,390
for both
knowledge and security.
270
00:08:40,474 --> 00:08:41,725
Maybe I should move out.
271
00:08:41,808 --> 00:08:43,602
Mock if you want,
but it's a small price to pay
272
00:08:43,685 --> 00:08:45,562
to see Mom smile.
273
00:08:45,646 --> 00:08:47,314
That's right --
she smiles!
274
00:08:47,397 --> 00:08:48,523
[ Inhales deeply ]
275
00:08:48,607 --> 00:08:50,359
But only in her sleep.
276
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:52,819
{\an8}♪♪
277
00:08:52,903 --> 00:08:54,321
Take me with you.
278
00:08:54,404 --> 00:08:56,406
{\an8}♪♪
279
00:08:56,490 --> 00:08:58,116
Once I finish this sandwich,
you and I are returning
280
00:08:58,200 --> 00:08:59,534
the money you took
from those little girls.
281
00:08:59,618 --> 00:09:01,078
The only reason
we're not leaving right now
282
00:09:01,161 --> 00:09:02,913
is I'm racing the
expiration date on this bologna.
283
00:09:02,996 --> 00:09:05,457
And you're giving back
every dirty penny.
284
00:09:05,540 --> 00:09:07,292
Can you please point
your weasel face at somebody else?
285
00:09:07,376 --> 00:09:08,794
Buddy, this weasel face
286
00:09:08,877 --> 00:09:10,545
is the best friend
you've got right now.
287
00:09:10,629 --> 00:09:13,048
I don't know how long I can
keep this guy from losing it.
288
00:09:13,131 --> 00:09:14,716
Shut up, Frank.
Hoh hoh!
289
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,510
There's a little taste
right there.
290
00:09:16,593 --> 00:09:19,304
You don't have to take Joey
to return the money, Mike.
291
00:09:19,388 --> 00:09:21,056
Let another
licensed driver
292
00:09:21,139 --> 00:09:23,392
have the pleasure
of shaming our child.
293
00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:25,894
Look at you, Mom!
There's your 4:00 A.M. smile.
294
00:09:25,978 --> 00:09:27,938
Congratulations.
Let me see.
295
00:09:28,021 --> 00:09:30,732
No, no. My good friend Helen
gets to see this first.
296
00:09:30,816 --> 00:09:33,443
In a way, it's as much hers
as it is mine.
297
00:09:33,527 --> 00:09:35,487
If the picture looks anything
like you, Mom, it's stunning.
298
00:09:35,570 --> 00:09:36,863
Mike: Sorry, son.
She's taken.
299
00:09:36,947 --> 00:09:37,906
[ Peggy and Frank chuckle ]
300
00:09:37,990 --> 00:09:39,491
Honey,
I'm proud of you.
301
00:09:39,574 --> 00:09:40,826
Oh, well,
save your pride.
302
00:09:40,909 --> 00:09:42,327
Joey, let's go.
Frank, you too.
303
00:09:42,411 --> 00:09:44,329
You can watch your brother
apologize to girls.
304
00:09:44,413 --> 00:09:45,914
It's a skill
you're gonna need.
305
00:09:45,998 --> 00:09:47,374
Timmy:
His name is Boris.
306
00:09:47,457 --> 00:09:49,293
So just get him talking
and facing that direction.
307
00:09:49,376 --> 00:09:51,253
I'll slip past
and go find the casting people.
308
00:09:51,336 --> 00:09:53,088
Just go.
Okay, fine, fine, fine.
309
00:09:53,171 --> 00:09:56,383
[ "I Think I Love You" plays ]
310
00:09:56,466 --> 00:10:01,763
{\an8}♪♪
311
00:10:01,847 --> 00:10:05,142
♪ I was sleeping, and right
in the middle of a good dream ♪
312
00:10:05,225 --> 00:10:07,144
♪ Like all at once,
I wake up ♪
313
00:10:07,227 --> 00:10:10,314
♪ From something that keeps
knocking at my brain ♪
314
00:10:10,397 --> 00:10:14,443
♪ Before I go insane,
I hold my pillow to my head ♪
315
00:10:14,526 --> 00:10:16,403
♪ And spring up
in my bed ♪
316
00:10:16,486 --> 00:10:18,113
♪ Screaming out
the words I dread ♪
317
00:10:18,196 --> 00:10:20,574
♪ "I think I love you" ♪
318
00:10:20,657 --> 00:10:24,077
♪ I think I love you,
so what am I so afraid of? ♪
319
00:10:24,161 --> 00:10:26,288
♪ I'm afraid
that I'm not sure of ♪
320
00:10:26,371 --> 00:10:29,458
♪ A love there is no cure for ♪
321
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:34,504
♪ Though it worries me to say
that I never felt this way ♪
322
00:10:34,588 --> 00:10:35,964
Aah! Aah!
Aaaaaaaaah!
323
00:10:36,048 --> 00:10:37,132
[ Thud, clatter ]
No!
324
00:10:37,215 --> 00:10:38,300
Where are you going?
325
00:10:38,383 --> 00:10:39,676
Seize him!
326
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,136
[ Indistinct shouting ]
327
00:10:41,219 --> 00:10:42,971
Timmy!
Are -- Are you okay?
328
00:10:43,055 --> 00:10:44,431
Timmy: [ Echoing ]
Not really.
329
00:10:44,514 --> 00:10:45,599
Timmy
fell down a hole!
330
00:10:45,682 --> 00:10:47,601
Get Lassie!
Stage 5!
331
00:10:47,684 --> 00:10:49,603
Partridge Family:
♪ Hey, I think I love you ♪
332
00:10:49,686 --> 00:10:52,147
♪ So what am I so afraid of? ♪
333
00:10:52,230 --> 00:10:54,608
♪ I'm afraid
that I'm not sure of ♪
334
00:10:54,691 --> 00:10:57,402
♪ A love there is no cure for ♪
335
00:10:59,696 --> 00:11:01,365
♪ I think I love you ♪
336
00:11:01,448 --> 00:11:04,785
♪ Isn't that
what life is made of? ♪
337
00:11:04,868 --> 00:11:09,706
♪ Though it worries me to say
that I've never felt this way ♪
338
00:11:11,875 --> 00:11:14,044
[ Static, radio tuning ]
339
00:11:14,127 --> 00:11:16,213
Stop monkeying
with that radio!
340
00:11:16,296 --> 00:11:18,882
How I miss the gentle art
of a conversation.
341
00:11:18,965 --> 00:11:20,258
You know
who doesn't miss it?
342
00:11:20,342 --> 00:11:21,635
People
you're talking to.
343
00:11:21,718 --> 00:11:23,220
[ Siren wailing ]
What on Earth?
344
00:11:23,303 --> 00:11:25,180
Fuzz on your tail, Mom.
I smell bacon.
345
00:11:25,263 --> 00:11:26,723
This is what's wrong
with America --
346
00:11:26,807 --> 00:11:28,141
police hassling
innocent citizens
347
00:11:28,225 --> 00:11:29,684
while the Manson Family
is out there
348
00:11:29,768 --> 00:11:31,395
stabbing folks willy-nilly.
349
00:11:32,979 --> 00:11:34,272
This picture isn't you,
ma'am.
350
00:11:35,482 --> 00:11:36,608
Don't be silly.
351
00:11:36,691 --> 00:11:38,151
I mean, it's not
the most flattering portrait,
352
00:11:38,235 --> 00:11:39,319
but I'd been up all night
353
00:11:39,403 --> 00:11:40,904
and was recently
punched in the face
354
00:11:40,987 --> 00:11:42,614
by one of
those boxing kangaroos.
355
00:11:42,697 --> 00:11:43,907
You gave
as good as you got, Mom.
356
00:11:43,990 --> 00:11:45,700
My sons can vouch
that that's me.
357
00:11:45,784 --> 00:11:47,119
Right, Frank?
358
00:11:47,202 --> 00:11:49,621
Well, Officer-of-the-law,
my mom says it's her,
359
00:11:49,704 --> 00:11:50,831
so --
360
00:11:53,917 --> 00:11:55,544
I'm sorry.
It's all going black.
361
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,588
I'm gonna confiscate
this license.
362
00:11:58,672 --> 00:12:00,215
Do you need me
to call your husband
363
00:12:00,298 --> 00:12:01,550
so he can
come and get you? [ Sighs ]
364
00:12:01,633 --> 00:12:03,093
I doubt you'll be able
to reach him.
365
00:12:03,176 --> 00:12:04,678
Today's his day
in the hot air balloon.
366
00:12:04,761 --> 00:12:06,012
My son Frank
will drive us home.
367
00:12:06,096 --> 00:12:07,889
I'm in no fit state.
[ Groans ]
368
00:12:07,973 --> 00:12:09,850
I've got this,
Officer.
369
00:12:12,185 --> 00:12:13,186
Okay.
370
00:12:13,270 --> 00:12:15,230
You drive safely, now,
Dr. Reauchamp.
371
00:12:15,313 --> 00:12:18,442
{\an8}♪♪
372
00:12:18,525 --> 00:12:19,276
[ Sighs ]
373
00:12:21,903 --> 00:12:24,531
Not a word to your father
about that pushy policeman
374
00:12:24,614 --> 00:12:25,699
taking my license.
375
00:12:25,782 --> 00:12:27,325
I'm talking to you, Frank.
376
00:12:27,409 --> 00:12:29,202
I know we can count on
Dr. Reauchamp to lie.
377
00:12:29,286 --> 00:12:30,078
[ Door opens ]
378
00:12:31,413 --> 00:12:34,666
What in the blue blazes
did you do to yourself?!
379
00:12:34,749 --> 00:12:37,127
He fell off a wall
and straight down a manhole.
380
00:12:37,210 --> 00:12:39,504
Kid can't even
fall off a wall normal.
381
00:12:39,588 --> 00:12:42,299
'Course you had to
be wearing your new Towncraft from JCPenney.
382
00:12:42,382 --> 00:12:43,675
Where's the sleeve?
383
00:12:43,758 --> 00:12:45,260
Doctor couldn't save it.
He did all he could.
384
00:12:45,343 --> 00:12:47,262
Ohh.
Go to your room.
385
00:12:47,345 --> 00:12:49,222
And if you start vomiting,
steer it away from that shirt.
386
00:12:49,306 --> 00:12:50,807
It's going back to Penney's
in the morning.
387
00:12:50,891 --> 00:12:52,267
Our outing was uneventful.
388
00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:53,435
We gave money
to little girls
389
00:12:53,518 --> 00:12:54,561
in exchange
for hair and underwear.
390
00:12:54,644 --> 00:12:56,062
Right, Frank?
391
00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:57,522
Am I leaving
anything out?
392
00:12:57,606 --> 00:12:58,940
Everything fine.
Not lying.
393
00:12:59,900 --> 00:13:01,234
There you are.
394
00:13:01,318 --> 00:13:02,694
Well,
let's be fair, Mom.
395
00:13:02,777 --> 00:13:04,029
There was
a teensy bit of lying.
396
00:13:04,112 --> 00:13:05,947
I mean, you lied to that cop
who stopped us.
397
00:13:06,031 --> 00:13:07,699
What cop?
398
00:13:07,782 --> 00:13:09,993
Oh. The man pulled me over
to flirt.
399
00:13:10,076 --> 00:13:11,661
You signed up for that
when you married me. [ Chuckles ]
400
00:13:11,745 --> 00:13:14,331
And you lied about it being
your picture on your license.
401
00:13:14,414 --> 00:13:15,957
And you lied to the DMV
402
00:13:16,041 --> 00:13:18,251
when you had Helen Portollo
take your test for you.
403
00:13:18,335 --> 00:13:20,587
And then you told me and Frank
to lie to Dad about it.
404
00:13:20,670 --> 00:13:22,923
Whew! That pretty much covers
all Mom's lies.
405
00:13:23,006 --> 00:13:24,925
Anyways, how was
hot air ballooning today, Pop?
406
00:13:25,008 --> 00:13:26,718
This is a new low,
young man.
407
00:13:26,801 --> 00:13:28,386
Blatantly disobeying me
408
00:13:28,470 --> 00:13:30,138
when I specifically told you
to lie to your father!
409
00:13:30,222 --> 00:13:32,349
How can we trust
a word he says?
410
00:13:32,432 --> 00:13:33,683
What do you have to say?
411
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,977
Uh -- Jo-- Mo--
Mom good, Joey bad.
412
00:13:36,061 --> 00:13:37,562
Go out back and pull weeds
until your father and I
413
00:13:37,646 --> 00:13:39,439
can come up with
an even worse punishment!
414
00:13:39,523 --> 00:13:40,982
Geez!
[ Door opens ]
415
00:13:41,066 --> 00:13:42,234
Makes you wonder
where we failed.
416
00:13:42,317 --> 00:13:44,027
[ Door closes ]
417
00:13:44,110 --> 00:13:45,862
Helen took your driving test
for you?
418
00:13:45,946 --> 00:13:48,114
At this point, are you surprised
by anything that woman does?
419
00:13:48,198 --> 00:13:50,075
What's really troubling
is these kids.
420
00:13:50,158 --> 00:13:51,493
You told them
to lie to me.
421
00:13:51,576 --> 00:13:52,994
What kind of moral example
is that?
422
00:13:53,078 --> 00:13:55,497
An excellent one, apparently,
since Joey told the truth
423
00:13:55,580 --> 00:13:57,165
under tremendous pressure
not to,
424
00:13:57,249 --> 00:13:59,125
unlike
weak-kneed Frank here.
425
00:13:59,209 --> 00:14:01,378
But you were the one
who did something wrong.
426
00:14:01,461 --> 00:14:04,089
Nice try. You had your chance
to rat me out, and you blew it.
427
00:14:04,172 --> 00:14:05,924
Don't glom
onto Joey's coattails
428
00:14:06,007 --> 00:14:08,218
now that he's out there pulling
weeds for doing what's right!
429
00:14:08,301 --> 00:14:09,678
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself!
430
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:11,638
I am. I-I should be
pulling weeds, too.
431
00:14:11,721 --> 00:14:13,557
Go ahead!
If he'll let you.
432
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:14,808
I wouldn't.
433
00:14:14,891 --> 00:14:16,726
But, then, Joey's
a better person than all of us!
434
00:14:16,810 --> 00:14:18,395
And I'm not even counting
the work he does
435
00:14:18,478 --> 00:14:19,771
for the "Joey Cares"
foundation!
436
00:14:19,854 --> 00:14:21,523
[ Sobbing ]
437
00:14:21,606 --> 00:14:24,359
[ Door opens, closes ]
438
00:14:24,442 --> 00:14:25,777
That was a tricky one.
439
00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:29,197
But...think we got to
the other side of it.
440
00:14:29,281 --> 00:14:31,533
You drove
with a fake license.
441
00:14:31,616 --> 00:14:32,617
What if
something happened?
442
00:14:32,701 --> 00:14:34,035
We could lose the house --
443
00:14:34,119 --> 00:14:36,246
not to mention
whatever house you drove into.
444
00:14:36,329 --> 00:14:37,247
[ Chuckles ]
445
00:14:37,330 --> 00:14:38,957
There you go again,
446
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:41,042
undermining me
with your little jokes.
447
00:14:41,126 --> 00:14:43,086
It's no wonder
I get nervous driving. Huh?
448
00:14:43,169 --> 00:14:44,713
I-I start turning left
into traffic,
449
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:46,423
and all I can think about
is you and the boys
450
00:14:46,506 --> 00:14:48,425
having a gas and a giggle
at poor old Peggy.
451
00:14:48,508 --> 00:14:50,510
Come on. I di--
It's a lot harder to have faith in yourself
452
00:14:50,594 --> 00:14:52,846
when your own family
doesn't believe in you.
453
00:14:52,929 --> 00:14:56,641
Driving is new and scary
for me, Mike.
454
00:14:56,725 --> 00:14:58,018
But go ahead --
yuk it up!
455
00:14:58,101 --> 00:14:59,519
[ Andy crying ]
I won't get a license!
456
00:14:59,603 --> 00:15:01,313
The squirrels are safe
once again!
457
00:15:01,396 --> 00:15:03,398
{\an8}♪♪
458
00:15:03,481 --> 00:15:05,317
[ Shudders ]
459
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,069
Well, the "Partridge Family"
casting guy called.
460
00:15:08,153 --> 00:15:10,614
He finally finished listening to
your dozens of phone messages.
461
00:15:10,697 --> 00:15:13,408
Yeah, I used different accents
to showcase my range.
462
00:15:13,491 --> 00:15:14,993
He offered an audition time
for later.
463
00:15:15,076 --> 00:15:16,745
But since
you're in no shape to go --
464
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:19,164
[ Russian accent ] Please
to tell me what time, comrade!
465
00:15:19,247 --> 00:15:20,749
That's actually
pretty good.
466
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:22,542
Peg, listen.
Shh!
467
00:15:22,626 --> 00:15:24,044
[ Whispering ]
You wake this baby, so help me,
468
00:15:24,127 --> 00:15:25,837
I will beat you to death
with this baby.
469
00:15:28,298 --> 00:15:29,466
[ Door closes quietly ]
470
00:15:29,549 --> 00:15:30,717
What?
471
00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:32,552
I understand
it's been hard for you,
472
00:15:32,636 --> 00:15:33,511
this license thing.
473
00:15:33,595 --> 00:15:34,804
[ Sighs ]
474
00:15:34,888 --> 00:15:37,057
Driver's license --
such rigmarole.
475
00:15:37,140 --> 00:15:38,642
In Europe,
anyone can drive at any age
476
00:15:38,725 --> 00:15:39,893
on either side
of the street.
477
00:15:39,976 --> 00:15:41,269
Look, I'll admit,
478
00:15:41,353 --> 00:15:43,897
y-you driving wasn't something
I thought was important.
479
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:45,398
But maybe it is.
480
00:15:45,482 --> 00:15:47,484
I should've been better
about it.
481
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,277
No more
insensitive jokes.
482
00:15:49,361 --> 00:15:51,404
From now on,
I'll stick to picking on
483
00:15:51,488 --> 00:15:53,448
Polish people and fatsos.
484
00:15:53,531 --> 00:15:55,909
Aww, honey.
That's so sweet.
485
00:15:55,992 --> 00:15:57,327
[ Chuckles softly ]
486
00:15:57,410 --> 00:15:59,329
But -- I hate myself
for saying this --
487
00:15:59,412 --> 00:16:01,956
it's not
entirely your fault.
488
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:04,000
There's just something
about left turns --
489
00:16:04,084 --> 00:16:07,337
I freeze, like that deer
I ran over last week.
490
00:16:07,420 --> 00:16:08,922
You'll find a way
to calm yourself
491
00:16:09,005 --> 00:16:10,006
and take the test again.
492
00:16:10,090 --> 00:16:11,675
[ Sighs ]
You can beat this.
493
00:16:11,758 --> 00:16:13,301
Hey.
494
00:16:13,385 --> 00:16:14,552
You know
how nervous I get
495
00:16:14,636 --> 00:16:16,262
when I have to speak
in front of people.
496
00:16:16,346 --> 00:16:18,431
But I've developed
this clever trick
497
00:16:18,515 --> 00:16:19,557
to help me relax.
498
00:16:19,641 --> 00:16:21,518
That's a great idea --
499
00:16:21,601 --> 00:16:22,519
alcohol!
500
00:16:22,602 --> 00:16:23,645
[ Chuckling ] Hey!
501
00:16:23,728 --> 00:16:25,188
No.
Not alcohol.
502
00:16:25,271 --> 00:16:26,481
I say
a few Hail Marys.
503
00:16:26,564 --> 00:16:28,316
Well, good for you.
Where's the cooking wine?
504
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,194
[ Laughing ] You can't drink
before the driving test!
505
00:16:31,277 --> 00:16:33,697
Drinking after it
won't do me any good.
506
00:16:33,780 --> 00:16:35,782
According to my friend Dino,
they smell booze on your breath,
507
00:16:35,865 --> 00:16:37,367
it's an automatic fail.
508
00:16:37,450 --> 00:16:39,119
And offering the guy a beer
does not help.
509
00:16:39,202 --> 00:16:40,412
There are
more enlightened ways
510
00:16:40,495 --> 00:16:42,038
of dealing
with nervousness, Mom.
511
00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:44,499
Have you considered T.M. --
Transcendental Meditation?
512
00:16:44,582 --> 00:16:46,459
Sure. I'll just join
a naked hippie cult.
513
00:16:46,543 --> 00:16:48,336
As always, very helpful,
Lawrence.
514
00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:49,796
Wendi's father
is afraid of flying,
515
00:16:49,879 --> 00:16:50,922
so his doctor
gave him sedatives.
516
00:16:51,005 --> 00:16:52,424
We did that with the dog.
517
00:16:52,507 --> 00:16:54,592
Remember Bosco, when he got
[Laughing] old and jittery?
518
00:16:54,676 --> 00:16:56,219
Especially around Mom.
519
00:16:56,302 --> 00:16:58,096
That's just 'cause I didn't
fuss over him, like all of you.
520
00:16:58,179 --> 00:16:59,723
[ Baby-talking ]
"Oh, such a good boy."
521
00:16:59,806 --> 00:17:00,765
[ Normal voice ]
Then prove it!
522
00:17:00,849 --> 00:17:02,809
All that shameless begging.
523
00:17:02,892 --> 00:17:05,019
That's why
I prefer a peacock.
524
00:17:05,103 --> 00:17:06,563
They're beautiful,
but they're mean.
525
00:17:06,646 --> 00:17:08,231
Yeah. That tracks.
526
00:17:08,314 --> 00:17:10,150
Bosco got nervous in the car,
just like you, Peg.
527
00:17:10,233 --> 00:17:12,026
That's why the vet
gave him the sedatives.
528
00:17:12,110 --> 00:17:14,904
I remember.
They cost $11.
529
00:17:14,988 --> 00:17:17,657
Ohh. I bet we have
some of those left.
530
00:17:17,741 --> 00:17:19,367
I was heartbroken
after Bosco died.
531
00:17:19,451 --> 00:17:21,369
Couldn't get a refund
from that pharmacist.
532
00:17:21,453 --> 00:17:22,787
Now, where are they?
533
00:17:22,871 --> 00:17:24,998
Do dog sedatives
work on people?
534
00:17:25,081 --> 00:17:26,583
They actually work
pretty great.
535
00:17:26,666 --> 00:17:29,169
{\an8}♪♪
536
00:17:29,252 --> 00:17:31,045
I think I know
where they might be.
537
00:17:31,129 --> 00:17:32,672
I'll bet you do.
538
00:17:32,756 --> 00:17:35,508
[ Saw whirring ]
539
00:17:35,592 --> 00:17:37,635
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa!
540
00:17:37,719 --> 00:17:38,803
[ Whirring stops ]
541
00:17:38,887 --> 00:17:40,013
This looks like
a bad idea.
542
00:17:40,096 --> 00:17:41,806
Ohh! Thank you.
543
00:17:41,890 --> 00:17:43,600
Just do it. I'm not
missing my chance at stardom.
544
00:17:43,683 --> 00:17:45,143
Talk some sense into him.
545
00:17:45,226 --> 00:17:46,978
I just meant
letting William do it,
546
00:17:47,061 --> 00:17:48,772
when Dr. Reauchamp
is on duty.
547
00:17:48,855 --> 00:17:49,898
Here,
let me take a look.
548
00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:54,068
Yeah,
that's healing nicely.
549
00:17:54,152 --> 00:17:54,986
Okay.
550
00:17:55,069 --> 00:17:57,030
[ Saw whirring ]
551
00:17:57,113 --> 00:17:58,364
[ Grinding ]
552
00:17:58,448 --> 00:18:00,575
How's your arm feel?
553
00:18:00,658 --> 00:18:03,244
[ Strained ] Like a dead ham
hanging off my shoulder.
554
00:18:03,328 --> 00:18:05,163
[ Chuckling ] Hey, kid!
How ya feeling?
555
00:18:05,246 --> 00:18:06,539
Never better.
556
00:18:06,623 --> 00:18:08,917
'Cause you fell down
a 12-foot manhole.
557
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:10,710
I do
all my own stunts.
558
00:18:10,794 --> 00:18:13,213
I should be on, uh,
your list for today.
559
00:18:13,296 --> 00:18:15,131
Yep, there it is --
Timmy Cleary.
560
00:18:15,215 --> 00:18:17,091
Sign right there
next to your name.
561
00:18:17,175 --> 00:18:18,176
[ Grunts ]
562
00:18:20,178 --> 00:18:22,263
It...seems to be
out of ink.
563
00:18:22,347 --> 00:18:23,973
Ah, just give it
a good shake.
564
00:18:26,810 --> 00:18:27,936
Ow!
565
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:29,896
Ow.
566
00:18:29,979 --> 00:18:32,482
You know,
you seem a little old
567
00:18:32,565 --> 00:18:33,900
to be playing
Chris Partridge.
568
00:18:33,983 --> 00:18:36,069
I'm auditioning
for Danny.
569
00:18:36,152 --> 00:18:37,904
You were the one
who tipped me off they were recasting.
570
00:18:37,987 --> 00:18:39,906
I did?
I got that way wrong.
571
00:18:39,989 --> 00:18:42,242
They're recasting
the little brother.
572
00:18:42,325 --> 00:18:44,077
You can't fire Bonaduce.
573
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,913
He's a monster,
but he's a monster talent.
574
00:18:46,996 --> 00:18:48,998
Who cares if he ran me over
with a golf cart?
575
00:18:49,082 --> 00:18:52,085
It's called show business,
not show be-nice-to-Boris.
576
00:18:52,168 --> 00:18:53,503
So I don't
get to be Danny?
577
00:18:53,586 --> 00:18:54,504
No.
578
00:18:54,587 --> 00:18:55,547
But you seem to be
579
00:18:55,630 --> 00:18:58,091
just about the right age
to play Chris.
580
00:18:58,174 --> 00:18:59,425
You play the drums?
581
00:18:59,509 --> 00:19:03,012
I play 17 musical instruments,
including the didgeridoo.
582
00:19:03,096 --> 00:19:04,430
That's perfect!
583
00:19:04,514 --> 00:19:06,307
Actually, I don't know.
I've never seen the show.
584
00:19:06,391 --> 00:19:07,559
Do this, William.
585
00:19:07,642 --> 00:19:09,644
Take my spot.
586
00:19:09,727 --> 00:19:12,230
Get to the top,
then pull me up behind you,
587
00:19:12,313 --> 00:19:14,148
like Charlton Heston did
for his brother Jerry.
588
00:19:16,943 --> 00:19:19,737
Thanks, but I prefer
to live a quiet life
589
00:19:19,821 --> 00:19:21,155
away from the limelight.
590
00:19:21,239 --> 00:19:23,116
Oh, you're missing
a bet there, kid.
591
00:19:23,199 --> 00:19:26,035
Become a child star --
take it from me --
592
00:19:26,119 --> 00:19:28,496
the rest of your life
is Easy Street.
593
00:19:29,497 --> 00:19:30,540
Eh.
594
00:19:30,623 --> 00:19:37,422
{\an8}♪♪
595
00:19:37,505 --> 00:19:38,673
[ Chuckles ]
596
00:19:38,756 --> 00:19:40,133
Guess Mom
passed her test.
597
00:19:40,216 --> 00:19:42,677
Congratulations,
Mommy!
598
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,721
The world's
first female driver.
599
00:19:47,682 --> 00:19:49,434
How's the weeding?
600
00:19:49,517 --> 00:19:51,227
Wouldn't be so bad, except
every time I pull one out,
601
00:19:51,311 --> 00:19:52,562
Pat replants it.
602
00:19:52,645 --> 00:19:54,022
I'm learning
how to farm.
603
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,607
[ Sighs ]
604
00:19:55,690 --> 00:19:57,609
Sorry about
ratting you out to Dad.
605
00:19:57,692 --> 00:19:59,193
What was that
all about?
606
00:19:59,277 --> 00:20:01,446
I can't object to you having
a friend take a test for you.
607
00:20:01,529 --> 00:20:03,990
I-I mean, I'm in 8th grade,
I'm a straight-A student,
608
00:20:04,073 --> 00:20:06,868
and I don't even know
how to read.
609
00:20:06,951 --> 00:20:09,662
What bugged me was
you giving up on yourself
610
00:20:09,746 --> 00:20:11,998
and thinking that
you couldn't pass that test.
611
00:20:12,081 --> 00:20:13,958
Well,
I completed a left turn.
612
00:20:14,042 --> 00:20:15,627
He gave me
a perfect score.
613
00:20:15,710 --> 00:20:17,629
Glad you toughed it out,
Mom.
614
00:20:17,712 --> 00:20:18,963
I'm proud of you.
615
00:20:19,047 --> 00:20:21,049
Well,
I did have some help.
616
00:20:21,132 --> 00:20:22,383
Thank you, Bosco.
617
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:23,843
Good boy.
618
00:20:23,927 --> 00:20:25,053
Finally.
619
00:20:25,136 --> 00:20:25,970
[ Scoffs ]
620
00:20:26,054 --> 00:20:30,099
{\an8}♪♪
621
00:20:32,894 --> 00:20:35,063
Joey's still picking
those weeds?
622
00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:36,564
Fast as he picks them,
Pat's putting them back.
623
00:20:36,648 --> 00:20:37,774
Idiot.
624
00:20:37,857 --> 00:20:39,359
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
625
00:20:39,442 --> 00:20:42,111
What's wrong? Why aren't you
piling on the kids with me?
626
00:20:42,195 --> 00:20:45,114
I just hate that I needed a pill
to pass that test.
627
00:20:45,198 --> 00:20:46,741
Remember
that "Barnaby Jones"
628
00:20:46,824 --> 00:20:49,202
about the housewife
who got hooked on the goofballs?
629
00:20:49,285 --> 00:20:50,912
Honey,
you're not gonna end up
630
00:20:50,995 --> 00:20:52,330
a go-go dancer
in a biker bar
631
00:20:52,413 --> 00:20:54,165
to feed
the monkey on your back.
632
00:20:54,248 --> 00:20:56,250
{\an8}Well, I'd like to think
I could if I wanted to.
633
00:20:56,334 --> 00:20:58,294
{\an8}Certainly better
than Patty Duke.
634
00:20:58,378 --> 00:21:00,672
{\an8}The thing is, I switched out
those dog pills
635
00:21:00,755 --> 00:21:01,839
{\an8}for some Tic Tacs.
636
00:21:01,923 --> 00:21:05,176
{\an8}That left turn today
was all you.
637
00:21:06,886 --> 00:21:08,304
{\an8}My mouth did feel
suspiciously fresh.
638
00:21:08,388 --> 00:21:09,514
{\an8}Mm-hmm.
639
00:21:09,597 --> 00:21:10,431
{\an8}Even Ron noticed.
640
00:21:10,515 --> 00:21:12,016
{\an8}[ Chuckles ]
641
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:13,643
{\an8}Thank you, honey.
642
00:21:13,726 --> 00:21:15,228
{\an8}Guess it was
a rare "Barnaby Jones,"
643
00:21:15,311 --> 00:21:16,813
{\an8}where they
got it all wrong.
644
00:21:16,896 --> 00:21:19,023
{\an8}I don't buy that guy
as a detective.
645
00:21:19,107 --> 00:21:23,069
{\an8}To me, he is and always will be
Mr. Jed Clampett.
646
00:21:23,152 --> 00:21:24,570
{\an8}Mm-hmm.
48766
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