All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E12.Vietnam.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Dooky_track3_[eng]

The show's on!

Adult Timmy:
In 1972, there were a lot of crazy game shows on TV.

"Hollywood Squares,"
"Let's Make a Deal,"

but the strangest one of all
was The Vietnam Draft Lottery.

Newsman:
We come to you tonight from Selective Service Headquarters

in Washington, D.C.,
for the draft lottery...

Adult Timmy:
It was like the show "Truth or Consequences,"

except the consequences
were life and death,

and my family struggled with
telling the truth about it.

Whatever happens
with this,

your country's gonna
take care of you.

Frank burned the popcorn.
It's ruined.

- You get all the kernels?
- Every last one.

Then it's delicious.

- Eddie's war show on?
- It just started.

[ Door closes ]
Well, sorry we're late.

Wendi was trying to teach me
how to change lanes

and I just
couldn't get over.

You know, if you keep driving,
there's a place called Sylmar?

I'm so nervous
for you, Eddie. Me?

You're the one
driving with my mom.

Even if they pick
Eddie's birthday,

he won't get called up until
he graduates from high school.

Hear that, Pat?

You'll probably
go to Vietnam before he does.

I'll win the war
with karate-chops!

You can't use karate-chops.
That's their thing.

How are you doing?

Whatever happens,
my country's going to take care of me.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah,
they'll take care of you.

They'll give you a gun,
a pine box

and Mom and Dad
get a free flag.

Wow, Lawrence
coming in hot.

Well, we could use
a new flag --

thank you,
Alaska and Hawaii.

Like I'm gonna spring
for a new fifty-star flag

with Puerto Rico
knocking on the door.

To anyone sensible,

this would look like
a family "in no mood."

But my young eyes
saw nine people

facing the same direction,

AKA an audience.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I have here
two ordinary

sterling silver rings!

That's steel
with chrome plating.

You paid for silver,
the guy saw you coming.

Magic is scary.

The only thing scary
about magic

is the weird,
lonely men who do it.

Timmy, scram.

They're calling
the first birthday.

It was both ceremonial
and darkly absurd.

A congressman
pulled a random date.

And every draft-age boy
with that birthday

moved up in the line
to be sent off to war.

I cannot wait
to do my duty.

Go overseas and kill Nazis
like Dad did.

There aren't any Nazis
in this war.

'Cause Dad got 'em all!

Peggy: Honestly,
the rigmarole.

I'll just say it --
I hope they give you a pass.

- Thank you, Mrs. Cleary.
- Absolutely.

Eddie's too nice
to kill anyone in a war --

at least on purpose.

Sweetie, no offense,
nobody wants to see

that frantic moon-pie face
last thing before they die.

If he gets called,
he'll do his duty. Period.

But if you do get drafted,
you have choices.

Sure. What do you
want the guys

in your outfit
to call you,

Eddie or Ed?
That's your choice.

I'm gonna
go by Francis.

[ Sarcastically ]
Ooh, that'll put fear in the heart of the enemy.

- I know.
- I was talking about deferments.

I know a guy who ate
only celery for six weeks,

and the night before
his physical sat in a steam room

until he was down
to 115 pounds.

Oh, there's a profile
in courage.

And then, of course,
there's always Canada --

Oh, no. No son of mine
is going to Canada.

That place accepts
every low-life and coward.

The whole country's
un-American.

I have always wanted
to see Banff.

The best plan
is ending this craziness

so that nobody else
has to go.

There's a huge march
against the war on Wednesday.

So I guess by Thursday,
it'll all be over --

maybe...Wednesday afternoon
if you march real good.

Man:
October 28th...

I can't believe this.
This says that I've...

lost my deferment.

They're gonna put you
in the lottery, too?

No lottery for me.

I've been drafted.

♪♪

Some really tense stuff
in there.

Let me take your minds off
your troubles, good sirs.

The next show
is about to begin!

The price is one dollar.

Absolutely free!

No, you give me
a dollar.

Which is reasonable considering
what they pay test subjects

for enduring painful
medical experiments.

"Report for Army induction
and training

to Fort Irwin in Barstow,
California..." in eight days.

Adult Timmy: My mom was upset
by what the U.S. Army

wanted to do to her family.

But not having nuclear weapons,

she went off against
a less formidable foe.

Barstow?

I mean, they probably
send you to Barstow first

so Vietnam
doesn't seem so bad.

Barstow's not
the problem, Mom.

It is for the people
who live there.

Ugh, I lost my religious
studies deferment.

'Cause you washed out
at the seminary.

I didn't wash out.

I made a thoughtful,
informed choice.

Yeah, now your
only choice is,

do you want to be called
Lawrence or Buzzcut?

'Cause trust me,
the Army --

they're not putting up
with that salad.

Here I was, worried about
getting called up

in eight or nine months,
and you --

- Eight days.
- I'm so sorry, Lawrence.

Okay, you just go back
to the seminary

until this whole
war thing blows over.

Look, I know the priesthood's
not your "calling" anymore,

but I was never really
"called" to be a mother.

You make the best
of a bad situation.

- And we appreciate it, Mom.
- Yeah.

I'm not going to
the seminary,

and I'm not going
to Fort Irwin.

I'm calling my friend
in Canada.

Oh, here we go.
No, you are not using my phone

for any draft-dodging
calls.

Especially not
long-distance!

Fine.
I'll go use the pay phone

over at
the Kentucky Fried Chicken!

Be sure to thank the Colonel
for his service!

[ Door slams ]

I have a couple more
thoughts about Barstow...

I have poured ordinary
Rice Krispies

into this
ordinary bowl.

Everything around here
is ordinary.

You don't have
to keep rubbing it in.

He's still doing
his dumb magic?

There's a lot of windup
on this one.

We all know
that newspapers

can hold
valuable information.

But can they
hold...

milk?

[ Milk pouring ]

Hey, stupid!
Stop that!

It's gonna make a mess
on Mom's floor.

Or is it?

W-Where --
Where'd it go?

Wait a minute.
[ Muffled crackling ]

What's that I hear?

Snap, Crackle, Pop.

[ Drumroll ]

I have no idea
how you did that.

Or why.

[ Stammers ]

You didn't make
that milk disappear.

It's obviously
a trick!

Of course it's a trick,
Frank.

You're kind of
missing the point.

I'm not missing anything.
You're not magic!

Like most so-called
entertainment --

movies, love songs --
i-it's just lying.

I remember that speech from
when you stood up in the theater

and ruined "Herbie the Love Bug"
for everyone.

This is why I don't
do tricks for you.

You can't handle it.
What I can't handle

is you acting like the laws of
physics don't apply to you.

Do it again!
And you're gonna keep doing it

until I figure out
how it works.

Are you sure you want
to put yourself through this?

It might make you
more unhappy.

Not possible.
[ Taps on table ]

Man: August 10th.
August one-zero.

I couldn't get
ahold of my friend.

Oh, do you think he might be
"dodging" your phone call?

The boys there are
men of conscience

who don't want to participate
in an unjust war.

If they don't
want to participate,

they don't belong
in this country.

That's why
they went to Canada.

Hey, Eddie,
that's your birthday!

Oh, no.

February 22nd.
February two-two.

What did you win?

Oh, he won that
Eddie and other boys

with the same birthday
are going to the war.

You can all have
cake together!

This seems crazy.

It's a proud moment.
We need to celebrate.

Peg, we have
any champagne?

I have some distilled water
I use for ironing.

What exactly
are we celebrating?

The day my two boys
are called to serve --

even if one of them
runs to Canada.

Peg, ironing water
for everybody.

Yeah.

You don't really
feel like celebrating,

do you, Mrs. Cleary?
[ Sighs ]

I don't know what
I can do about it yet.

Anyway,
the joke's on Mike.

I've been refilling this
from the tap.

This is your generation's
war, Eddie.

It's an opportunity for you
to distinguish yourself.

Boys go over there
and they come back men.

Unless they
don't come back.

Don't listen
to Negative Nelly.

I know you're gonna
make me proud, son.

Aye aye, captain!

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Retches, spits ]

Lawrence...
[ Chuckles ]

Kid's driving me
up the wall

with his thoughts
and ideas.

Thank God we don't have
that problem with Eddie.

Seems pretty greedy,

the Army trying to take
two of our boys.

And we get
no say about it?

At the very least,

they should let me pick
which two we send.

That would keep
these kids in line.

[ Door opens ]
Mommy, I had a bad dream.

Can I sleep
in your bed?

- Pat.
- It's okay, Mike.

What was
your dream about?

War.
Hmm...

Will I have to go
to Vietnam someday?

Oh, honey.
[ Sighs ]

That's not
gonna happen.

There will be a whole
different war by then.

I only hope you and I
are on the same side.

Adult Timmy: The events of
the day also weighed heavily

on other members of the family.

Timmy, I need to know
where the milk went!

To know what? Why -- Why are
your hands so sweaty?

Endocrine problems.

Don't try to cleverly change
the subject.

Frank,
we are trying to sleep.

Nobody sleeps until
Timmy explains his trick.

Joey: [ Exhales sharply ]
Just tell him how you do it.

But I swore an oath
to the Ancient Brotherhood

of Magicians, Jugglers
and Fire-eaters.

Even if the enemy takes me
captive, I can't tell.

- What enemy?
- The Fraternal Order of Mimes,

Unicyclists and
Sword-swallowers.

Frank, why not try to enjoy
Timmy's trick for what it is?

Life becomes
so much less wondrous

when you strip away
all of its mysteries.

Okay!
If it shuts you up,

I'll give you the secret
of Timmy's dumb trick.

"Dumb trick," but we're all
talking about it.

I've sworn no oaths

and I'm not frightened
of sword-swallowers.

It's the mimes
you have to watch out for.

But you'll have to wait
'til tomorrow,

after a good night's
sleep.

For the friends-and-family
price of ten dollars.

Shake on it.

Oh, you weren't kidding.
That hand is like an armpit.

- Then you should feel my ankles.
- Frank, turn out the light.

Turn --
[ Door slams ]

You being drafted just makes
me feel so powerless.

I'm sorry.

If I could,

you know I'd trade places
with you.

But you heard Lawrence.

There are options
we could try.

Uh, you could get
a college deferment.

You said you wouldn't push
this college stuff on me.

I'm reconsidering now that
the other option is death.

I think it's just better if
I see this draft thing through.

I've got an opportunity
to distinguish myself here.

That's exactly
what your dad said.

You're doing this
just to impress him.

No.

But he was impressed,
right?

I'm not just
imagining that.

Will you talk some sense
to your brother?

Don't let Dad
bully you.

You gotta think
for yourself.

Do what Lawrence
tells you --

think for yourself.

I'll be back later for
your mom's driving lesson.

Please, talk to him.

Wendi said I should talk to you,
so here goes.

I enjoy
playing basketball.

I do as well.

Shall we?

What a lovely talk.

Horse!

What's the secret
of Timmy's trick?

Who are you calling?

[ Rotary phone dialing ]

"Abraca-Dave's
Magic Shop"?

I could have called
a magic shop.

But could you get the top guy
on the phone? [ Ringing ]

Man: Hello?

Hi.
Abraca-Dave, please.

[ Cash register rings ]
There is no Dave.

That was just
brilliant marketing.

You're talking
to The Great Pepe.

Hi, Pepe. I'm wondering
if you're familiar

with the trick where milk
is poured into the newspaper

- and then --
- Ah, The Reappearing Cow.

That's part of
our breakfast line.

I usually pair it with
The Pancakes of Doom.

I need to know how
the milk thing works.

Son, I can't just
go around divulging --

Wait a minute.

Are you
by any chance a mime?

If I was a mime,
would I be talking to you?

[ Sympathetically ] I'm asking
for my dying grandfather.

[ Whispering ] Make a noise
like you're dying.

[ Stammers ]
Oh! Ah!! I've been shot!

He's got dementia,

but it's his dying wish
to understand that trick.

Nice try, kid.
When your grandpa passes,

I'll call him up
on the Ouija board

and give him
the whole shpiel.

Have a magical day.

[ Dial tone ]
Tell Pepe I say hello.

I want my money back.
No refunds.

But my business
is built on

customer satisfaction,
so...

I'm going to help you
re-create the trick.

Anything to wipe that smug smile
off Timmy's face.

- The kid has really got my goat.
- I can help with that, too.

Goat recovery is, like,
80% of what I do.

[ "I-Feel-Like-
I'm-Fixin'-To-Die Rag" plays ]

♪♪

♪ Well, come on,
all of you big, strong men ♪

♪ Uncle Sam
needs your help again ♪

♪ Yeah, he's got himself
in a terrible jam ♪

♪ Way down yonder in Vietnam ♪

♪ So put down your books
and pick up a gun ♪

♪ We're gonna have
a whole lotta fun ♪

♪ And it's one, two, three ♪

♪ What are we fighting for? ♪

♪ Don't ask me,
I don't give a damn ♪

♪ Next stop is Vietnam ♪

♪ And it's five, six, seven ♪

♪ Open up the pearly gates ♪

♪ Well, there ain't no time
to wonder why ♪

♪ Whoopee!
We're all gonna die ♪

All right, I got one,
I got one.

Whoo!

[ Laughter, basketball dribbling
in distance ]

♪♪

Oh! Good.

Lawrence,
that doesn't count.

You get
one more turn.

Nice shot!

Come here, you!
Rrgh!

Let's go!

He's coming up,
he's coming up!

Yes!

[ Sighs ]

- [ Laughs ]
- You can't do that!

Mike:
House is gonna feel pretty empty without these two morons.

I'd feel a lot better about this
if I understood

why the heck we were sending
our boys over there.

Well, the price we pay
for freedom is our young men defending it.

No, when I said "our boys,"
I meant our boys.

I'm all for
the Flanigans exporting

every one of
their drooling chimps.

We put a lot of work
into these two.

Honey, Communism is
on the march.

We give them Vietnam, they'll
take Thailand, Laos, and Burma.

None of those are places I care about.
If we don't fight them over there,

we'll end up fighting them
over here.

Wouldn't that be
more convenient?

Mike, I understood
World War II,

with Hitler and
all those wiseacres,

but this war doesn't even
have any decent villains.

Who am I supposed to hate this time? Jane Fonda?
That's a good place to start.

I don't want to see
Lawrence go to Canada,

but if he chooses to, we need
to support that decision.

[ Scoffs ] Oh, so now we're
trusting our idiot kids

with important
life decisions?

Why not let Pat choose if
he wants to see the dentist?

Pat has never
been to a dentist.

Because we made
that decision for him.

Lawrence is educated.
He's been out in the world.

He stood on that spot where
you're in four states at once.

I think he's smart enough
to make his own decisions.

Mom, Dad,

I've decided
I'm going to Vietnam.

Oh, shut up.
What do you know?

So now you want
to go to Vietnam?

Peg, Peg, he stood
on four states.

If this is his decision,
we should stand by it.

Look, I've been thinking about
this mess, and if I don't go,

the Army's not gonna say,
"Well, we're short one man,

I guess
we have to forfeit."

They're just gonna
draft the next guy.

As long as the next guy's
not my son!

Maybe he's someone terrible
that we're better off without.

They could take an axe murderer
or Jerry Lewis --

we're all a little tired
of his antics.

Or they could take Eddie --
you think of that?

Or some other guy like Eddie.
And I couldn't live with myself

if something like that
were to happen.

We're proud of you, son.

I'm not doing it
to make you proud.

[ Door closes ]

All right, here we go.

Prepare to be
amazed and humiliated.

You might want to work
on your patter, Frank.

Ignore the hecklers.
You're doing great.

Ordinary newspaper...

Ordinary milk,
blah-blah-blah.

And now the milk starts
magically disappearing...

disappearing...

like right now.

[ Electrical whirring ]

No milk...

...whatsoever.

Feel pretty stupid
yet?

I'm okay.

And now for
the big, dumb finish

where the milk reappears
in the cereal.

Wh--
What's that I hear?

Snap, crackle,
and eat it, Timmy!

There! I did it!

I made a bowl of magic cereal
exactly as good as yours.

Ta-da!

[ Timmy laughs ]
I feel like we were one rehearsal short.

[ Sarcastically ]
Yeah, you got me, Frank.

That is exactly
how it's done.

[ Whirring continues ]

[ Laughter ]

Frank, stop!

So, did you guys talk?
Sure we talked.

I told Lawrence that
he shot like our grandma.

Yeah, but then I reminded
him that Grammy Agnes was the star guard

on a ground-breaking
CYO women's team.

Led the league in scoring
back in 1927.

And then I clarified
that I knew all that.

My comment about Grandma
was a compliment.

Nah.
I was expecting you to convince him

to stand up to your father
about Vietnam.

That didn't come up.

And, actually,

I decided
I'm going to Vietnam now.

What? I was only gone for
like an hour!

- You're going?
- Yeah.

Aw, man.

I hope we end up
in the same platoon.

You guys are insane.

If you won't talk
to your father, I will.

- Mr. Cleary.
- Don't, Wendi.

I'll do it.
I'll talk to him.

Nope.

Mr. Cleary, you have two boys
about to go off to a war

which even the people
running the thing

don't believe in
anymore.

This is between me
and my two sons.

Not when I really care
about one of them.

It's me, right?
Eddie?

I hate the thought of either
of them going over there

just so President Nixon doesn't
look weak before an election.

The president
is negotiating

an honorable peace
to this war,

which he'll only get
by waging it aggressively.

More war
leading to peace.

A lot of people
think that's crazy.

A lot of people who don't
really love this country.

Or they love it enough
to criticize it so it can be better,

the way you do with
someone you really care about.

Is that why you and Mom
always criticize me?

No, it's because
you do dumb stuff.

Good call.
Do you see what you do to him?

Eddie is starved
for your approval.

[ Groans ]
You have a weird power over these boys.

All right!
That's enough, Wendi.

No, it really isn't.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cleary,

but I'm worried that Eddie is
going to get himself killed

just hoping you'll say
you're proud of him.

We should get started
on that driving lesson.

Right now.

♪♪

I know you agree with me
about Eddie and Lawrence. [ Sighs ]

With Mike, you have to handle
things with a light touch.

[ Keys jingle ]

[ Engine starts ]

[ Revving ]

[ Tires squeal, loud thud ]

Mom ran over Lawrence!

Doctor: We'll know more
in a day or two,

but we're looking at about
three months in that cast.

Now, I know he's supposed
to report to basic training,

but that's off the table
for now.

You did this
on purpose.

I'll forgive you
for saying that

because you're in shock
from your broken foot.

Yeah, which you gave me.
On purpose.

The "D" and the "R"
on the steering column are very confusing.

Okay, enough of
the silly speculation.

This was definitely
an accident.

[ Scoffs ]
'Cause our insurance doesn't cover vehicular assault.

I had a plan, Dad.

I really wanted
to do this right.

Sometimes these choices
get made for us...

by a higher power.

Where's Eddie?
You steer clear of Eddie.

I'll deal with him.

[ Scoffs ]

Mike: Take a walk
with me.

Just him.

You and I have
talked enough today.

Oh, looky here.
[ Baby coos ]

Nothing warms the heart more
than the sight of a baby

that I don't have to feed
and clothe for two decades.

[ Baby talk ]
Hello.

You are not my problem.
[ Chuckles ]

You know why hospitals
have these big windows

in the baby room?
[ Normal voice ] Hang on, doesn't it go,

"Why do Polish hospitals
have these big windows?"

'Cause I think
I know this one. No.

The school nurse told me
they have these windows

mostly for other people --
people who are sick,

people visiting loved ones
who aren't doing so well.

They can walk down
the corridor,

look in,
and see life.

See hope.
I get it.

Didn't you used to talk
about being a doctor

when you were little?
A nurse, actually.

A nurse, doctor.

Neither's better
than the other...

except doctor's better.

I used to pretend to be sick
and get out of class

to hang out with
Nurse Gail at school.

She had lollipops.

That story tells me you might
have the stuff to be a doctor.

Or a nurse.
Or a doctor.

Bottom line,
you like people.

I like lollipops.

But you're
a caring person.

It's a special talent,

like playing the fiddle,
or Evel Knievel.

If you get your grades up,
you can get yourself

into a decent
medical program.

Wendi really wants me
to go to college, too.

That one has
a lot of opinions.

[ Chuckles ]

It's still a good idea.

It sounds really hard,
Dad.

I'd like to see you
give it a shot.

You should know
there's more than one way

to make me proud of you.

A couple months later,
President Nixon

ended the draft,

sparing my brothers
any further physical peril

from either
the North Vietnamese or my mom.

[ Baby cooing ]

The Reappearing Cow.

Page 152.

What are you trying to pull?
That's a trick book, right?

I-I open it
and a knife pops out

and slices my throat.

What would be
the point of that?

Making me look dumb.
[ Stammers ]

Like everybody
who gets a chance

to peek behind the curtain,

Frank discovered
that the knowing

is often not as much
as fun as the not-knowing.

Hmm.

That's it?

Yeah.

I almost wish a knife
had popped out.

I don't have a knife,

but how about...

this?!

How'd you do that?

Sorry, man,

the answer
was in the book.

[ Chuckles lightly ]