All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E08.Christmas.1972.1080p.None.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Dooky_track3_[eng]

Adult Timmy:
Ah, Christmas 1972.

It was a simpler time
when everyone,

even aspiring left coast
showbiz elites like me,

had no choice but to say...

Merry Christmas!

Mike:
Have at it, fellas.

Careful with
the wrapping!

Smooth it out for
the "next year" pile.

But most of all, Christmas
let us forget our differences

and focus on
what really mattered -- stuff.

Yes! The Adidas
I wanted!

Wait.

These are Adoodas.
Look who suddenly cares about spelling.

- Socks.
- Pass that around.

That pack's
for everybody.

This will cover
my whole leg!

You think I've time to sort
laundry by different sizes?

Roll it down
or grow nine inches.

This is just my old Lone Ranger
covered in tinfoil.

Which makes him Space Ranger.
On Space Trigger.

Each kid generally got one
decent store-brought item.

And then a wildcard gift
based on Mom's whim

and her current supply
of glitter and pipe-cleaners.

Yay.
So stoked to add this

to my growing collection
of God's eyes.

Don't be ingrates.

These gifts are practical
and/or from the heart.

Thanks, Frank.

Enjoy an extra pair
of socks.

[ Chuckles ] Score.

You guys never want to be
disappointed again?

Stop buying into the emptiness
of materialism.

- These are just things.
- Crappy things.

They just had an earthquake
in Nicaragua, man.

If you consider
their suffering,

I'll bet those sneakers
you're complaining about

- will seem awfully small.
- They are small.

Dad bought
the wrong size Adoodas.

What size
are they?

- "Extra medium."
- All right.

Santa left one more gift
in the garage.

Follow me.

Timmy: A saw?

I guess this one's
for Baby Andy.

It's all yours,
Mr. Cleary.

I can finally fix
the railing on the porch

and the rest
of the porch

and the house.

Maybe I can use it to cut my
socks down to the right size.

[ Both chuckle ]

At least Uncle Tom's
still coming by today.

Oh, yeah!
His gifts always kick Santa's

right in his big,
red sack.

Because of
my slick new saw,

there's no room
in the garage

for whatever
slick new car

your brother's driving
this year.

Oh, honey. Stop trying
to turn everything

into some competition
with Tom.

Because you can't win.
He's got more money, which makes him better.

If I was single
with no kids,

I'd be swimming in
bachelor dough, too,

except I wouldn't
be flaunting it around

like some
downtown fancy-man. Mm.

Ooh, but I got him
this time.

Thanks to Becky.

Did you name
your saw Becky? Don't be jealous, Peg.

[ Whispering ] I'd hate to have
to choose between you two.

♪♪

Merry Christmas!
Hey,

I thought you were
gonna be at your grandma's?

On my way, but I wanted
to drop off your gift.

My gift.

That's right.
We're giving those

because of being boyfriend
and girlfriend.

That was my thinking
on the matter.

And I've got your present
ready, too.

[ Chuckling ]
Except I put it --

I don't know
why I did this --

it's up on our roof.

And then we loaned our ladder
to one of our neighbors

so they could decorate it
for Christmas

because they're poor and
can't afford a tree.

Wow. What a surprising
sequence of events. I know.

And when will they be taking
down their Christmas ladder?

Traditionally,
it's two or three days.

Well, I will be in Riverside
'til Wednesday,

so that should give you
plenty of time

- to get your ladder back.
- And fetch your present,

which is right
above our heads.

Grr, that's so frustrating.

Okay, see ya.

[ Door opens, closes ]

[ Exhales sharply ]

Where's the shirt
we got for Tom?

Right here. I even stitched
a penguin on the pocket

and put it in
a May Company box

so it looks like
the real deal.

I'll give him the fake shirt
in the fake box,

and then clobber him
with my saw.

He won't know
what hit him.

Because he won't know
he's in a fight

that's all in your head.

Sure, Tom earns in the high
five-figures,

but it's not like he
rubs your face in it.

[ Vehicle approaches ]

Is that
a Nicaragua earthquake?

That's Uncle Tom's
new car!

Oh! Pat.
Move, Pat!

[ Horn honks ]

[ Engine turns off ]

The man drove here
in a house.

Yep.
No face-rubbin' at all.

Merry Christmas,
Cleary Clan!

- Hey.
- Aww.

- Aww.
- Heck of a sleigh, Tommy.

Right?
Good to see you.

He couldn't have parked
in the garage anyway

because his awesome
Winnebago's way too big.

Maybe he should have just
parked it in your mouth.

How are things
at the phone company?

Dandy as candy.

I'm now in charge
of pay phones

for the greater
GTE service area.

- Pay phones?
- Yeah.

Holy moley --
talk about job security.

Yeah, it's big-time.
Personally, I think it's a shame

people don't write
letters anymore. Oh.

This RV's got
a bathroom, right?

Yeah!
Knock yourself out.

Oh, but first, help me unload
my two adorable elves.

Hello, sweeties!
[ Cheers ]

Aunt Marge.

Aww.
There's Uncle Walter.

What a surprise.

[ Whispering ]
Now I smell a campfire.

I better go set out
some ashtrays.

How was
your drive up?

Can't imagine this whale
handles too well.

Yeah, we're breaking
this baby in.

From here, we're headed
to the Circus Circus Hotel

in Las Vegas.
I hear that they train elephants to deal blackjack

and every room
has a clown maid.

At least that's
how I'd do it.

[ Toilet flushes ]
Man, oh man, this bathroom's nicer

than the one we have
in our house!

Whoo-hoo, I'm next!
[ Laughs ]

Whoa.
It has a stove, too?!

Of course.
What would be the point

of a car without a stove?
[ Chuckles ]

All right. Let's everybody
head into the real house

for a proper
Christmas celebration.

We knew what that meant --

Dad was about to use us
as pawns

in his one-sided
competition with Tom.

Let's get started.
Oh, boy.

Timmy, do the joke you told
at Thanksgiving.

You said
it was stupid.

Stupid not to share it.
[ Chuckles ]

You know the one about
the baby that was so ugly

he looked like
a monkey,

and the guy on the train
offered him a banana.

You kind of gave
the whole thing away.

Fine. Get your
stupid magic kit.

- Yes!
- Frank, you're up! - Yes!

This was Dad's way
of using us kids

to shove his manhood
in Tom's childless face.

He made us perform
like the von Trapp family.

Only we couldn't escape
by climbing up over the Alps.

Banana.
[ Chuckles ]

This one is for Citizenship
in the Community.

Uh, this one is for Citizenship
in the Nation.

This one is for Citizenship
in the World --

Skip to the, uh,
prestige badges,

- like bugling.
- Oh, I never got that one.

I've been self-diagnosed
with medically weak lips.

[ Plays "Greensleeves" off-key ]

♪♪

And now to make the egg
reappear,

wave this wand over the bag,
Uncle Walter.

Give it a good grip.

He has crippling
arthritis, sweetie.

I had to tape that cigarette
to his fingers.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

- Mnh-mnh.
- Ta-da?

Pat, show him
your hernia scar.

- Yay!
- Look at that.

Cost me 600 bucks
to get the kid's insides rearranged properly.

Okay, Pat,
put your insides away.

- It's gift time.
- [ Chuckles ]

Tommy,
we got you this.

- Aww.
- Yeah.

From the May Company.

See the box?

This is a really nice
golf shirt!

Thank you.
We saw that while shopping at the May Company.

Thought of you.

[ Whispering ] Grab that box
for the "next year" pile,

but be careful.
The corners are starting to go.

All right. I got
a few gifts for you, too.

- Joey.
- Oh!

- Frank.
- Whoo!

- Timmy.
- Oh, boy.

Eddie. Lawrence.
William.

This is it.
Yabba-dabba-doo.

Pat.

Pajamas?

Pajamas aren't a gift.
Pajamas are something you have.

I was really hoping it would be
something good

I could pass along
to Wendi.

You boys be sure to thank
your Uncle Tom

for his generosity.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Quietly ]
What a crap present.

Before we go, I have presents
for each of you boys.

Now I didn't have time
to go shopping.

We actually prefer it
when someone doesn't have time to shop.

Honestly, they don't
deserve anything. You're spoiling them.

Please don't be Washington.
Please don't be Washington.

Please don't be
Washington.

Lincoln!
Him I can work with.

But my bill
didn't have Honest Abe.

Staring back at me was the man
responsible for bifocals,

the lightning rod, and my best
Christmas in years --

Benjamin Franklin.

Was it a mistake?
It had to be.

I needed to confide in someone,
but whom?

Frank was a total narc.

Joey would literally murder me
in my sleep, then steal it.

Lawrence would go
all Charlie Church

and guilt me
into giving it back

or donating it
or something moronic.

So that left Eddie.

And finally, I have one more
little Christmas surprise.

Follow me!
[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

- Oh, whoa!
- Whoa!

And there it was,

a big lump of coal
in my dad's stocking.

23 inches of full color
with a built-in hi-fi stereo!

Ho ho ho!

This was the worst Christmas
morning of my father's life.

And that includes the one where
he walked into the kitchen

and pushed himself up against
Lawrence thinking it was Mom.

Come on.
Don't feel bad, honey.

I told you
he's just better.

- A new TV!
- Thank you, baby Jesus!

It's actually my old one.
I upgraded,

but it gets
all the new shows.

Well, it's certainly
an improvement over our old clunker.

- [ Laughs ]
- Tom, so generous.

Too generous.
We can't accept.

All: What?!
Yeah, I'm with Dad on this one.

Thank you,
Lawrence.

With the current decline
in literacy,

do you really think
we need a TV at all?

Okay, you've lost
all credibility.

This giant picture tube's
a wattage hog.

It will strain the wiring
and burn down the house.

Pat:
As long as we save the TV!

We can't accept
for safety reasons.

Mike, honey, a word?
In private?

Hey, you guys go ahead.
Yeah.

I'll show the kids
the soft serve machine.

All: Soft serve?!

I live here now!

Eddie: If you got to go,
use the RV.

You can flush in there
without a bucket of water.

- What are you doing?
- Creating a cone of silence.

Look at what Aunt Marge
gave to me by accident.

Whoa.
Yeah, I know.

I feel terrible.

- I need advice.
- I'm flattered you came to me.

Well, you're not greedy or
evil or snitch-y or godly.

You have no distinct
personality whatsoever,

which makes your opinion
more objective.

Thank you.
Let me think about this.

But first, turn around.

I'm holding in
a lot of Shasta here.

Are we
some charity case?

Are we on welfare like
the Mulroys at church

that we're not supposed to know
about but everybody knows?

Look, Tom's just trying
to do something nice,

and you get
all huffy about it.

If I want my children to have
a giant TV,

I'll buy one
for them. No, you won't.

No, I won't because I don't
want them to, all right?

They watch enough of that
idiot box as it is.

You watch just as much,
if not more.

The damage to my brain
is done.

There's still hope
for some of them.

Mike, Peg,
hey, if it's a problemo,

I can just
donate the TV.

I mean, God knows I can use
the tax deductions.

[ Quietly ] Tax deductions,
like he's Thurston Howell III.

One thing -- can I keep it here
for a few days?

It just seems silly hauling it
across the Mojave

when the RV already
has a terrific TV.

I guess we can store it
as a favor to you.

- Thanks, Mike.
- Lawrence, Frank,

unload the TV.

- Oh!
- Yes!

It's not staying.
We're just storing it

in the garage
'til Wednesday.

We could store it indefinitely
up in the tree house.

Really tie
the space together.

Eat your soft serve.

Off the top of my head,
you could lend the money to me.

Oh, yeah.
That's your advice?

Give it to you?
Okay, how about this?

It's Christmas,
maybe give it to the Church.

The Church? I could've
gotten that from Lawrence.

I just think
it's a little hinky

to keep money
you got by mistake.

If it weren't for
this Wendi situation,

I would happily donate
my own $5 from Aunt Marge

to those
poor Nigerians.

- Nicaraguans.
- I'm sure they both need it.

Or you could just give
the money back to Aunt Marge

and your conscience
will be clear.

Eddie had a point.

Giving the hundred
back to Aunt Marge

was really
the right thing to do.

Unfortunately,
"the right thing to do"

was currently chain-smoking
in an RV headed for Vegas.

So, the next day, I decided to
do the next best thing --

give it to those
who needed it most.

See you later, Ben.

Have fun in Nicaragua.

I started to leave, but Ben
looked so vulnerable there.

So easily stolen.

What if he fell
into the wrong things?

At least in my hands,

I would know the money
went to good use.

I decided to seek guidance
direct from the home office.

Baby Jesus, if you really want
me to leave the money, just...

...make my hand open up
and drop it into the basket.

Ouch! Ouch!

Ouch. Hey, scram.
Ouch, stop.

No sign here as far
as I can tell.

Message received,
Baby Jesus.

Oh...

and happy birthday.

♪♪

That small issue settled,
I was able to relax

and enjoy our annual viewing
of "White Christmas" --

except on our TV it was more
like "Fuzzy Green Christmas."

Bob: Certainly
too bad General Waverly

- couldn't have been here...
- This is a great movie --

it's got Christmas,
it's got war.

They throw in John Wayne
on a horse --

win the Oscar
every year.

Lawrence: Can you
turn it up, please?

- I can barely hear it.
- If we turn it up,

it makes that high-pitched sound
that makes Pat vomit.

Mike: The only high-pitched
sound I hear is whining.

[ Sighs ]
I got to use the john.

Adult Timmy: So began
our exodus from bondage.

I'm gonna re-marshmallow
my cocoa.

- I'm gonna stretch my legs.
- Yeah.

I'll go stretch
his legs, too.

After a point, we didn't even
bother coming up with excuses.

♪♪

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

Ed:
Thank you. Thank you.

How dare you?

If it wasn't me,
I'd ask who raised you

'cause they did
a terrible job.

Disobeying your dad
and abandoning

a sacred family tradition
just so you can --

Geez Louise, look how red
those poinsettias are!

Oh. Bing doesn't
look seasick.

And no high-pitched
squeal either.

Scoot.

[ Music plays from television ]

Peg?

Boys?

♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪

♪ Santa's got to make it
to town ♪

♪♪

♪ Santa, make him hurry ♪

♪ Tell him he can take
the freeway down ♪

♪♪

♪ Run, run, Rudolph,
'cause I'm reelin'...♪

I do not
believe you kids.

You knew that TV
was off-limits!

Despite its hi-fi stereo sound
and superior picture quality.

[ Record scratches,
music stops ]

Well, I hope
you're happy.

You ruined
Christmas.

♪♪

I guess we've come up with
a new holiday tradition

called "breaking Jesus'
heart."

But, Mommy,
you were just -- I was just what?

I love you.
That's what I thought.

Don't let me kill
the Christmas fun.

I'm not the Grinch,
or the Scrooge,

or the Goldsteins
who don't put up a tree.

Joey: Well,
that's great, Pop.

'Cause this shindig
just started cookin'!

[ Music resumes ]
Yeah!

Mike: I just came out
to enjoy

my new gift.

Let's fire her up!

Mike, do you --
[ Click, saw buzzing ]

You really think now's the right
time to play with Becky?

It's Christmas!

Let it snow!

♪ Run, run, Rudolph ♪

This is
the best Christmas ever!

[ Music stops ]
Ho ho ho ho.

[ Buzzing stops ]

I think
they got the message.

The hard part of coming
into real money

is holding onto it,
especially in my house

where stuff had a way
of disappearing, Joey.

I needed a good hiding place
where no one ever looked --

the family Bible.

Don't touch that!

It's mine.
Oh, my God.

Aunt Marge accidentally
gave you a hundred, too!

All right, fine.

But you told me to donate
mine to the Church.

It's a good deed --
the right thing to do.

But you kept yours.
My good deed was convincing you.

I figured it counted
for both of us.

How is that fair?

You don't have a girlfriend
who needs a present.

No, but I have
a ventriloquist dummy

and he likes
nice things, as well!

Timmy,

I'm very disappointed
in myself,

but I thought I could
count on you.

I've got to say,
you've let me down.

I'm disappointed
in you, too!

Darrin: You've been sticking
that magic nose of yours

- where it doesn't belong again.
- Is this old Darrin

or new Darrin?

Who can tell in
this teeny picture tube?

Which is plenty big enough
for us.

...which we now laughingly
call our anniversary.

You and Darrin
have a lot in common.

You're both proud men
of principle.

Not a sniveling worm
like Larry Tate.

Tate. [ Chuckles ]
That guy.

If it weren't for Darrin's
strong stand on witchcraft,

just think of the amazing things
Samantha could do --

conjure up
a new Kenmore dishwasher

or end all wars.

Oh, no point in her getting
mixed up in wars.

Russia and China would just use
their witches --

and you know
they've got 'em.

I'm with Darrin.

The family should only
have what he can provide.

Who cares if Tabitha and
little Adam do without?

I'm sure
Darrin cares...

The important thing
is Darrin's self-respect.

And winning that Meaty-Mutt
dog food account.

You know, I think Endora turning
him into a Great Dane

is gonna end up being
a big help on that.

♪♪

Adult Timmy: I took the money
and made my purchase.

A Christmas present for me.

Something every red-blooded,
American boy dreams of --

tap shoes.

♪♪

Regular dancing -- pfft.
That's for pikers.

Now I could dance
for blind people!

Here it is.
Safe and sound.

Right where I left it.
Up on the roof.

Yes, ma'am.
Oh, look,

they left one of
their ornaments.

You mean the people
who borrowed your ladder

to use
as a Christmas tree?

Yeah, them.

Here you go.

Merry Christmas.
Ooh, the May Company.

Your mom let you
use the box.

Oh, my God, Eddie.

I love suede!
Me too.

It always looks
so good on cows.

And it really is
from the May Company!

[ Horn honks ]

Hey, Uncle Tom.
How was Las Vegas?

Ah, the oldsters
had a blast.

Buffets then craps,
buffets then craps.

And then in between,
a little gambling!

[ Laughter ]

These two were
so sweet together.

They even talked about
renewing their vows.

Then I reminded them they are
brother and sister.

Okay, let's get that,
uh, present packed up

and we'll get out of here.
Unless you changed your mind.

I'll be glad to finally get
that thing out of my garage.

Frank, Lawrence,

the saw goes with
your uncle.

We're keeping the TV.

- Yes!
- Yes!

[ Cheers ]
The saw?

Peg and I somehow blanked
and forgot to give you

your other gift.

Are you sure?

That saw is an expensive item
for you guys.

Not as expensive as
the new, much better saw

we're getting Mike.

That's more of
a beginner's model,

you know, for people
who aren't skilled with tools

like my husband.

Adult Timmy:
To my dad, hearing Mom

slightly malign
her brother's masculinity

was the greatest
Christmas present of all.

You know what, Peg?
Can I talk to you for a second?

Well, sure.

[ Chuckles ]
This is a little awkward,

but I've been keeping track
of Marge's money for Las Vegas,

you know, because, well,
she gets a little confused.

I think she might have given
two of your boys

$100 bills when she was
handing out those $5s.

100 bucks?

Aw, for her that's like
four days of cigarette money.

But I'm sure your boys
would have said something.

[ Scoffs ] I keep forgetting
you don't have children.

Hey! Which two of you
hooligans accepted $100

from my sweet,
unsuspecting aunt?

- What? I got a $5.
- I got a $5, too.

That's a nice
suede jacket, Wendi.

- Eddie got it for me.
- That's one.

What are you doing
way over there, Timmy?

All by yourself

like a gazelle separated
from the pack.

Just hanging out.

Come closer.

[ Tapping ]

And that's two.

Aunt Marge, Timmy and Eddie
have something to tell you,

if they know
what's good for them.

You gave us each $100
by mistake.

That's no mistake. It's part
of my Las Vegas system.

I always bet on red,

so I gave my two redheads
$100 each for luck.

Whoa! Thanks,
Great Aunt Marge!

I didn't know it,
but I love you!

Oh!

Were you lucky
in Vegas?

Front-row
center seats

and a kiss from
Mr. José Feliciano.

[ Whispering ] Yeah,
it was not José Feliciano. No.

Can't have enough ashtrays
under those two chimneys.

Thanks, Pegster.

And thanks again
for the saw, Mike.

Hopefully I won't have to stop
abruptly on the freeway

- or it'll be a bloodbath.
- [ Laughs ]

See you guys.

[ Engine starts ]

I know
it's silly pride, Peg,

but giving
ol' Becky to Tom

was the only way
I could come around

to accepting
his generosity.

I'm more than happy
to trade Becky for Mitch.

Mitch?
It's what I named the TV.

And I think you had
the wrong takeaway

from that
"Bewitched" story. Hm?

Darrin's kind of a clown for not
swallowing his pride

once in a while and
letting their kids

have a few nice things.

Either way, I'm grateful
for these network TV shows.

They have so much to teach us
about how to be a family.

♪♪

It ended up
being a bountiful Christmas

for everyone after all.
Enough with the ridiculous shoes.

You're scuffing up
the floor.

I got to keep my tap shoes,

Wendi got to keep her jacket,
which meant

Eddie got to keep Wendi.
And, best of all,

Mom got a fresh,
new May Company box.

Wendi's coat only
lasted another season,

but Mom reused that box
for many Christmases to come.