Original subtitles

[man mimicking whooshing]

[loudly chewing]

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[mimicking explosion]

[upbeat chiming]

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[light ominous music]

[low-pitched buzzing]

[indistinct chatter]

-[rattling] -[door bangs]

[dramatic music]

[man] ♪ Pom-pom-pom, pom-pom-pom-pom ♪

-[siren blaring] -[George] Hello, there.

I'm Detective Inspector George Radgitt.

I've been at Yorkshire Police Force for 40 years, man and boy.

And I've seen some unusual cases in my time as a copper.

Like that bloke who killed his little brother's kestrel.

[scoffs] Bastard.

But of all cases I've been involved with,

none is more bizarre than the disappearance of little Shannon Matthews,

aged nine, who went missing after a swimming lesson in Dewsbury.

[clicks tongue] Now, you've got a little lass,

you've got a swimming pool.

Well, it would normally make that pimms o'clock

'round old Len Fairclough's house.

But he'd kicked the bucket about ten years previous.

So, unless he'd been noncing from beyond the grave,

couldn't have been him.

I'm just thinking, though,

whether a pedo in Speedos aren't loose

or if she'd just run away after an argument with her family,

who, frankly, were so dysfunctional

they made the Fritzls look likeThe Brady Bunch.

[whimsical music]

[indistinct children chattering]

[birds chirping]

[man on laptop] ...be honest with your sin, and say the truth about Jesus...

[Karen] Thank fuck for that, Craig.

That's the last the of kids off to school.

[laptop chimes]

[man continues on laptop]

-[laptop chimes] -I said, thank fuck for that, Craig.

That's the last of the kids off to school!

[gospel music playing on laptop]

-I said-- -All right!

I heard you the first time, Karen.

What do you want me to do? Pull down me pants and trousers,

stick a cigar in under my cock, and do a little jig?

Even some kind of grunt would fucking do.

I don't know what's so interesting on that computer of yours,

but whenever you're on it,

-it's like I'm fucking invisible. -[keyboard clacking]

Can you see me? Hello? Can you see me?

Of course I can fucking see you.

Christ, my eyesight's bad, but I'm hardly gonna miss

a big ginger walrus dancing 'round in front of me face.

-[thud] -Ah, fuck off!

You fuck off! You're not even meant to be here!

[sharply exhales] Ain't you got work today?

And you have a go at me for not listening.

I told you already. New manager at Fish Counter

-swapped up shifts around. -Oh, great.

So you'll be rolling in at ten o'clock at night

smelling like a bag of lady's snatch.

Aye, I will.

And if you'd ever done a day's work in your life,

instead of laying on a sofa with two fingers up your fudge

and bother me arse listening to what you're going on about.

What do I need to go to work for?

-[laptop chimes] -[scoffs] Work's for fucking mugs.

Mugs like you going out at eight o'clock in the morning...

[chuckling] in your twatty uniform,

with a fucking name badge on. [laughs]

"Craig. Happy to help."

-[beeps] -[cash register dings]

You? Fucking happy to help? That's a fucking joke for starters!

Up yours! Women like a man in uniform.

Yeah, when it's a Chippendale dressed up as a fucking fireman,

not a fucking supermarket fishmonger!

That hat makes you look like a right cunt.

-Up your fucking arse! -Up your fucking arse, Spackerel!

Be a cold day in hell before you ever saw me

serving up haddock for three-and-a-half quids an hour.

-You see... -[alarm beeping]

["Can't Work, Won't Work" by Kunt and the Gang]

♪ When I get up in the morning I send the kids to school ♪

♪ I sit down on the toilet and I squeeze out a stool ♪

♪ Then I'll lay on the sofa and I switch the telly on ♪

♪ And when Lorraine Kelly's finished Jeremy Kyle comes on ♪

♪ Then I watchTrisha andCash in the Attic ♪

♪ I haveGoing for Gold on and I'm aNeighbours fanatic ♪

-♪ Then it'sDiagnosis: Murder andMurder, She Wrote ♪ -[snorts]

♪Flog It!, Deal or No Deal and then the kids are home ♪

♪ So I make some Turkey Twizzlers and stick them in a bap ♪

♪ And if they don't eat it up I'll give 'em all a slap ♪

♪ And 'cause I've worked so hard on that I put up me feet ♪

♪ I watchHollyoaks Emmerdale, EastEnders andCoronation Street ♪

♪ Then I putThe Bill on and I might have a little smoke ♪

♪ And watch a Channel 5 documentary on the world's fattest bloke ♪

♪ I've normally dozed off by then but if I'm still at the races ♪

♪ I'll have a flick and try and find some wild police chases ♪

♪ I sit on me arse all day I consider it a perk ♪

♪ Of the job of being unemployed and not going to work ♪

[chiming]

♪ I've never had a job I've never had a job♪

♪ 'Cause every time I need the dough I have another knob ♪

♪ And the knob supplies the semen and I have another kid ♪

♪ And the social give me money and say, "Well done" for what I did ♪

♪ Yeah, the social give her money to say "Well done" for what she did ♪

-♪ Can't work, won't work ♪ -♪ They send her to an interview ♪

-♪ Can't work, won't work ♪ -♪ She'd fuck it up that much is true ♪

-♪ Can't work, won't work ♪ -♪ To tell the truth I'm overjoyed ♪

-♪ Can't work, won't work ♪ -♪ To live me whole life unemployed ♪

♪ Are they to work in a garage? It would really be the pits ♪

♪ I wouldn't work in an aviary it would bore me off me tits ♪

♪ I couldn't work on an assault course ♪

♪ It would drive me up the wall ♪

♪ And I wouldn't volunteer for any money ♪

♪ Let alone fuck all ♪

♪ She couldn't work in a mental home ♪

♪ It would drive me insane ♪

♪ She wouldn't work for Weetabix ♪

♪ It would go against the grain ♪

-♪ She wouldn't be a soldier ♪ -♪ Like those pricks ♪

-♪ Robson and Jerome? ♪ -♪ And she wouldn't work for charity ♪

♪ 'Cause it begins at home ♪

♪ She can't stand the sight of kids ♪

♪ So I won't work in a school ♪

♪ She'd never be a policeman ♪

♪ I fucking hate them all ♪

♪ She wouldn't work on a sewage plant ♪

♪ I couldn't stand the muck ♪

♪ And she couldn't work in care ♪

♪ 'Cause I really don't give a fuck ♪

♪ She wouldn't be a bin man ♪

♪ I just have to refuse ♪

♪ She'd never be a model ♪

♪ I just can't walk in them shoes ♪

♪ She wouldn't be a stuntman ♪

♪ I couldn't do the stunts ♪

♪ And she wouldn't work for government ♪

♪ 'Cause they're a bunch of fucking cunts ♪

♪ I sit on me ass all day morning and afternoon ♪

♪ The job of being unemployed is something of a boon ♪

[chiming]

♪ I've never had a job ♪

♪ I've never had a job ♪

♪ 'Cause every time I need the dough ♪

♪ I have another knob ♪

♪ And the knob supplies his spunk ♪

♪ Which he deposits up me muff ♪

♪ And I have a kid and the money goes up♪

♪ Until I've got enough ♪

♪ Yeah, she has a kid and the money goes up ♪

♪ Until she's got enough ♪

♪ Can't work, won't work ♪

♪ A job's something for other folk ♪

♪ Can't work, won't work ♪

♪ I can't be asked to do a stroke ♪

♪ Can't work, won't work ♪

♪ I ain't doing other people's chores ♪

♪ Can't work, won't work ♪

♪ Fuck that shit I'll stay indoors ♪

[inaudible]

♪ Fuck that shit I'll stay indoors ♪

[crowd booing]

[indistinct shouting]

[woman] Fuck off!

Fuck off!

[booing continues]

[man] Get off--

[keyboard clacking]

[indistinct chatter on laptop]

Make us fucking brew, will ya?

-Kettle's just boiled. -[sighs]

Aye! I'm gonna sit down with a cuppa and watch Jeremy.

[woman on laptop] ...and, you know, the teacher was saying,

"I will not have such discussed in my class..."

-[Karen] You want a Viscount with it? -Aye!

-[fly buzzing] -Orange or mint?

Orange. No,

-uh, mint. No. Fuck it. Can I have one of each? -[fly buzzing]

Mm. Fucking hell, he's a man who knows what he wants.

Stick an extra spoonful of sugar in it, will ya?

Always tastes like there's no fucking sugar in it

when you have a chocolate bickie.

[Karen] What else, milord?

Do sir want his tea served up in a china cup and saucer?

Or maybe he wants his biscuits on a little silver plate

with a fucking doily on it.

To be honest, in this house, I'd be grateful for a cuppa

that don't taste like it's been sieved through gusset of your shreddies.

Keep that up, you fishy fuck, and I'll tip this tea

straight over your cod and pollocks.

[gospel music playing]

Ta.

[man preaching on laptop]

[sniffs and sighs]

Look at that for timing. [chuckles]

-Can't work, won't work. -Fucking love Jeremy Kyle.

How good would it be to be on Jeremy Kyle?

I should've gone on there and done DNA tests

when I didn't know who Shannon's dad were.

It'd have been Leon and that other bloke.

What were his fucking name?

One with harelip and BO, worked at chippy?

Oh, I don't fucking know. [chuckles]

They'd have been sat there shitting themselves

-with Jeremy going... -[faint applause]

..."One of you two is gonna have to step up to the plate

and be a dad to this kid. Any man can be a sperm donor,

but it takes a real man to be a dad." [chuckles]

Fucking love to be on there.

I'd get Michelle to give us a makeover and do me hair.

I'd look fucking lush, don't you reckon?

Yeah. Yeah.

Get a new pair of Reeboks and everything.

I'd be there with tears rolling down my cheeks, going,

"Jeremy, they took advantage of me when I were drunk.

I feel so used!

They just fucked me and fucked off."

Then I tell him I were bipolar or something, so he didn't have a go at me.

He'd go up to 'em,

"You should have kept it in your trousers, mate.

Either that or put something on the end of it." [chuckles]

Can imagine it now.

Everyone on the estate going, "Karen! Saw you onJeremy Kyle.

You looked lush!"

[chuckles] Probably have to sign autographs in post office queue

while I were picking up benefits, wouldn't I?

-Mm. Yeah. -[laptop chimes]

I'd fucking love to be famous!

Going on GMTV,

-and meeting Ben Shephard! -[heavenly chiming]

[chuckles]

On This Morning, with Eamonn Holmes

asking us questions about stuff. [chuckles]

When that cunt from social services comes around

to check we're not stubbing out tabs on kids

and just open letter box and go,

"Fuck off mate. I can't have you in today. I'm too fucking famous!"

And you get loads of free stuff. You know, clothes and stuff, 'cause you're famous.

And everyone wants their stuff associated with you.

-I'd have me own perfume! -Yeah.

"Karen Matthews, SNATCH."

[Karen] And you could go down pub

and everyone would want to buy you a drink.

You could get leathered every night, and it wouldn't cost you a fucking bean

'cause everyone would want you sat there with them,

telling anecdotes about all the famous people you'd met.

Jordan, Peter Andre,

Chantelle, Davina, John Leslie!

I'd be fucking fantastic!

Give it a fucking rest, will ya?

No one 'round here is gonna be famous, Karen.

Least of all you.

What do you fucking know? I might be!

No, you fucking won't. You can't do anything.

-Yeah, I fucking can. -Well, you can fanny fart,

but I hardly think that's gonna win you Britain's Got Talent.

[mockingly] "Hello, I'm Karen."

[mimics farting]

Cut to Amanda Holden crying

while Piers Morgan picks little croutons of fanny batter out of her hair.

You can't stand me having a dream, can you?

[sighs] I don't fucking care!

You can dream all you like.

All I'm saying is that you're wasting your time

with all this celebrity bollocks.

It's not real life.

Real life is that out there.

[Karen sighs]

[indistinct chatter on laptop]

-[sighs heavily] -That rusty pram frame in garden.

That's real life.

That exercise bike sticking out of skip.

[gentle music]

That's real life.

That dog turd with the fag end sticking out end of it.

That's real life.

Real life's not a bunch of washed up celebrities in middle of nowhere

eating kangaroo cocks and being commented on by Ant & Dec.

Well, I had that reading at fair that said I was gonna be famous.

So don't come crying to me when I make it

and I'm drinking down Groucho Club with Alison Moyet and Michael Barrymore,

and you're so stuck here with all the other cunts on the estate.

Aye. Fucking bound to happen.

-[siren blaring] -Geed on by Craig's lack of faith in her,

Karen set about thinking of a plan

to make herself rich and famous.

She went 'round to see Craig's uncle, Michael Donovan.

As a kid, Michael went to a special school.

And now he were approaching 40, he lived on his own

and were always glad of visitors

to help fill void left by his two daughters

getting taken into care.

[upbeat whimsical music]

[Michael farts] Hold on a minute. I'm having a number two. [farts]

Michael, you spacker, it's me, Karen!

Okay, I won't be long. [farts]

-[farts] -[thud and splashing]

I've nipped it off, and I'm wiping now.

Just wipe to beige, let me in, and you can go back and finish off.

-Finished! -[thud]

-[toilet loudly flushing] -I'm on my way down now. It were a ghost poo.

Hey, Karen.

You fucking knobhead, get in!

[upbeat whimsical music]

[Michael] Sorry about that, Karen.

I always do me big job straight after Jeremy Kyle'sfinished.

I can't stand The Wright Stuff,

so there's a ten minute plopping window

right before Trishastarts.

I've got it timed to poo-fection.

[laughing] What can I say, Michael? You're a man of many talents.

So what brings you 'round here, then?

Nothing, really. Just popped round to see how you were.

[sighs] I'm bearing up.

I'm always glad of visitors to fill the void

left by my two daughters getting taken into care.

Mm. How are you fixed at the moment?

Jesus, I'm skint! I smoked all me tabs,

then got desperate and rolled up the butts.

Then got desperate and rolled up the butts of the roll ups with some lawn clippings.

Oh, fucking 'ell! Times are hard!

Aye. I've had to pawn me DVD player,

and the Police Academy 1-7 boxset

just to get me through to the end of the week.

Look, do you fancy earning yourself a few quid then?

Aye, but I got nothing else to pawn.

Well, how about a bit of child minding?

Child minding? Sounds great!

I'm always trying to fill the void

left by my two daughters getting taken into care.

Trouble is, I'm on antidepressants,

and my place is a tip.

Social services would never let us look after a kid here.

Well, fuck them! What do they fucking know?

Bunch of posh cunts going around telling people

how to look after their kids. [scoffs]

You're a good bloke, Michael. [chuckles]

-I trust you. -Oh, thanks, Karen.

What kind of money are we talking?

-A couple of quid an hour would be magic. -[chuckles]

Fuck that.

How does half a share of 50 grand sound?

What are you going on about?

What kind of childminding job pays...

-[ticking] -[Michael echoing] Come on, Michael, think. You can do this!

...uh, half of 50 grand?

[scoffs] Well, look, do you want the company?

Aye. I wanna fill the void left by my--

-And do you need the money? -Aye, I do. You see...

["I've Got A Plan [Based On Maddie McCann]" by Kunt and the Gang]

♪ I've had enough of scheming and messing 'round with pricks ♪

♪ My car is parked outside I'm afraid it's up on bricks ♪

♪ 'Cause I had to take my alloys down to Cash Converters ♪

♪ I'll get them back on giro day ♪

♪ I saw an episode ofShameless where Young Liam went missing ♪

♪ Hear me now, I've got a plan before you start dismissing ♪

♪ It turned out his sister Debbie were behind it all along ♪

♪ She plotted it to try and make it pay ♪

♪ I've got a plan I've got a plan ♪

♪ I've got a plan based on Maddie McCann ♪

♪ She's got a plan she's got a plan ♪

♪ She's got a plan based on Maddie McCann ♪

-♪ I've got a plan ♪ -♪ You've got plenty of kids ♪

-♪ Let's make a few quid ♪ -♪ Let's make a few quid ♪

-♪ You've got a plan ♪ -♪ I've got the sprogs ♪

-♪ Let's make a few bob ♪ -♪ Let's make a few bob ♪

♪ I've done the football pools for years I'm stuck in a routine ♪

♪ I've had fuck all off the lottery I've never won a bean ♪

♪ I've spent £30 on scratchcards and I only won a quid! ♪

♪ The answer is clear as can be ♪

♪ All we need is my kid, some drugs and a little perseverance ♪

♪ The McCanns have fucking raked it in with Maddie's disappearance ♪

♪ We can make a fortune too if we do it right ♪

♪ And what's more I'll get on the TV ♪

♪ I've got a plan I've got a plan ♪

♪ I've got a plan based on Maddie McCann ♪

♪ She's got a plan she's got a plan ♪

♪ She's got a plan based on Maddie McCann ♪

-♪ I've got a plan ♪ -♪ You've got plenty of kids ♪

-♪ Let's make a few quid ♪ -♪ Let's make a few quid ♪

-♪ You've got a plan ♪ -♪ I've got the sprogs ♪

-♪ Let's make a few bob ♪ -♪ Let's make a few bob ♪

-♪ Let's make a few bob ♪ -♪ Let's make a few bob ♪

-♪ Let's make a few bob ♪ -♪ Let's make a few bob ♪

So, let's get this straight.

I have to look after Maddie McCann for a few hours,

and I get 50 grand!

Oh, for fuck's sake.

-[upbeat music] -[door slams]

So Craig had gone off to work, and Karen went home

and waited for her kids to get back from school.

The smaller ones all arrived home as normal,

but four o'clock came and went, and there were no sign of Little Shannon, age nine.

She'd had a swimming lesson and was supposed to come home straight after.

-[chomping loudly] -[George] So Karen made a phone call.

-Hello, is that Domino's? Yeah. -[man] Yeah.

Could I have a large Hawaiian with extra ham

-and a large Meat Feast? -[woman] All right. All right.

Some chicken wings and three portions of wedges?

-Is that all? -Yeah. Oh,

and could you throw us in some extra dips?

-Yep. -Not fucking chili one, though.

-Barbecue and garlic and herb-- -No, no, sorry.

-Uh, not that phone call. The one straight after. -[man] Hello? Hello?

[melancholic music]

[line ringing]

[mimics crying] Hello? Is that the police?

-[officer] Hello? Yeah. -Yeah, I'd like to report a missing girl!

-Go ahead. -It's me daughter, Shannon Matthews,

-age nine. She had a swimming lesson... -Righto.

...and was supposed to come home straight after,

-but she hasn't! -Oh!

[George] So, the upshot of that phone call were

that police sent a car straight 'round.

-[siren blaring] -And in that car were me,

Detective Inspector George Radgitt at Yorkshire Police.

-[doorbell rings] -[woman on TV] I don't think this house is haunted.

-[man on TV] You don't think is haunted-- -[turns off TV]

[sighs]

[George] Oh, hello, Mrs. Matthews, I'm Detective Inspector

George Radgitt at Yorkshire Police.

Now, am I right in thinking that your daughter,

little Shannon Matthews, age nine,

-didn't come home? -That's right, Inspector Radgitt.

She had a swimming lesson and was supposed

to come home straight after, but she hasn't.

And I'm so worried something might have happened to her.

You know, a bit like Maddie McCann.

Oh, come, come, Mrs. Matthews.

She's only been gone a couple of hours.

It could be a number of perfectly innocent explanations

as to why she might be late to home.

She might have just stopped off to buy a quarter pound of sherbet pips

or spearmint chews, uh, or lemon bonbons.

[mimics sobbing] Oh, but you hear about such terrible things

these days, Inspector Radgitt!

While you're stood there listing retro sweets of yesteryear,

-she could be getting diddled by a nonce case! [crying] -Oh! Oh, no!

Don't think that, Mrs. Matthews.

There's officers in cars driving around, looking for her as we speak.

Why don't you just calm down and tell me from start what happened?

Okay, then. You see...

["Shannon Shannon [Where Can You Be?]" by Kunt and the Gang]

♪ The kids got home as usual this afternoon from school ♪

♪ But Shannon had a swimming lesson at the swimming pool ♪

♪ It got to four o'clock and there were no sign of her at all ♪

♪ So I rang a pizza then gave the old bill a call ♪

♪ She's never once gone missing or run away from home ♪

♪ So naturally I were worried and gave 999 a phone ♪

♪ Will you help me find her? She's only nine years old ♪

♪ The dark has started drawing in, and what's more it's freezing cold ♪

♪ Shannon, Shannon where can you be? ♪

♪ Are you lost and lonely or has someone abducted thee? ♪

-♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ Shannon, Shannon listen to my plea ♪

♪ If you come home I'll make you a Fray Bentos pie for tea ♪

♪ Ho-ho, if you come home she'll make you a Fray Bentos pie for tea ♪

♪ Don't worry, Mrs. Matthews we're doing all we can ♪

♪ There's offices in cars out and one bloke in a van ♪

♪ We've scrambled helicopters we've even got some dogs ♪

♪ Sniffing in the woods they're barking round the public bogs ♪

♪ There's men combing the graveyard ♪

♪ And all round by the church ♪

♪ Can you give us a description to help us in our search? ♪

♪ You'll know if you find her she'll give you a scare ♪

♪ She looks just like a Cabbage Patch doll but with greasy hair ♪

♪ Shannon, Shannon where can you be? ♪

♪ Are you lost and lonely or has someone abducted thee? ♪

-♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ Shannon, Shannon listen to my plea ♪

♪ If you come home I'll make you crispy pancakes for your tea ♪

♪ Hey-hey! If you come home she'll make you ♪

♪ Crispy pancakes for your tea ♪

♪ Do you think she's fallen over ♪

♪ And is laying in a hedge? ♪

♪ Do you think she's wandered near a cliff ♪

-♪ And fallen off the edge? ♪ -[Shannon yelping]

♪ Do you think she's run away ♪

♪ Perhaps to join the fair? ♪

♪ Or been kept behind by the nit nurse ♪

♪ Who's shampooing her hair? ♪

♪ Do you think she's fallen in a lake ♪

♪ Treading water to survive?

♪ Do you think she's climbed a pylon ♪

-♪ And been fried alive? ♪ -[buzzing]

♪ Do you think she's been picked up by a local pedo ♪

♪ And he's making her perform sexual acts ♪

♪ To satisfy his libido? ♪

♪ Shannon, Shannon, did you get in a stranger's car? ♪

♪ Did he lure you in with puppies ♪

-[tires screeching] -♪ Or a chocolate bar? ♪

-♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ Shannon, Shannon I hope that you're okay ♪

♪ If you come home, we can have a bargain bucket every day ♪

♪ Ho-ho! If you come home you can a bargain bucket every day♪

[George] Unfortunately, Shannon Matthews didn't come home that night.

-[siren blaring] -A lot of us feared the worst.

As I took me son into bed for the night,

Karen's poignant words echoed around my mind.

[echoing] While you stood there listing retro sweets of yesteryear,

-she could be getting diddled by a nonce case. -[voice groaning eerily]

Diddled by a nonce case. Diddled by a nonce case.

Diddled by a nonce case. Diddled by a nonce case...

[shudders]

Following day, good folk at Dewsbury Moor estate rallied round.

They took to the streets, many of them

in their pj's and slippers to help us with the search.

Posters were made and put up on lampposts all over town.

The local branch of Asda printed up a load of T-shirts

with Shannon's little cherub face on.

Back at home, though, Karen was still going

out of her mind with worry for her missing bairn.

[keyboard clacking]

[Karen] Look at these T-shirts, Craig.

Could have picked a better picture of Shannon.

She looks like she's had her hair styled by Crisp 'N Dry.

They're fucking massive and all!

They must think you're a right fat cunt. [laughs]

I might tie a knot in mine.

Mind you, better be careful I don't give DI Radgitt a flash of me midriff.

Probably spunk in his pants there and then. [laughs]

Did you see, yesterday, when he put his arm around me?

Titted me up a little bit.

I'm sure he did it on purpose,

the dirty old bastard. [chuckles]

Mind you, by the looks of him,

he's probably forgotten what his fucking cock is for.

Uh, apart from to have a piss out of. [laughs]

If he had a wank,

he'd just cough a bit of cheesy dust out end! [laughs]

Hey, if he tried to fuck someone,

he'd probably just end up trying to thumb in a soft on and hope for the best,

-eh, Craig? -[laptop chimes]

Craig! Are you gonna get out and help us look for Shannon

or are you gonna sit on that fucking computer all day?

For fuck's sake, woman, I'm busy!

What are you doing on there?

You see...

♪ I don't know what you're up to, Craig ♪

♪ You're on your laptop again ♪

♪ Are you googling, downloading or Facebooking a friend? ♪

♪ Have you set up a social networking profile ♪

♪ Listing your interests and hobbies? ♪

♪ Or are you watching and MPEG video ♪

♪ Of two ladies and a cup full of jobbies ♪

♪ I'm surfing on the Internet ♪

♪ Karen it's a futuristic place ♪

♪ You'll never make anything of yourself ♪

♪ If technology you don't embrace ♪

♪ You look after your business, Karen and I'll look after mine ♪

♪ And FYI, I'm coordinating the search for Shannon online ♪

♪ But you're always on the web you're always connected ♪

♪ Meanwhile, I am over here feeling neglected ♪

♪ I'm a woman I've got feelings ♪

♪ And I need to feel alive! ♪

♪ Be with you in a minute, love I'm defragging me hard drive ♪

♪ De-- de-- defragging me hard drive ♪

♪ Defrag-- defragging me hard drive ♪

♪ So I'm putting Shannon's pictures up on message boards and forums ♪

♪ People online can spread the word ♪

♪ Right click save as and store 'em ♪

♪ Everyone did it with Maddie McCann it were all the rage ♪

♪ You can add the poster with Shannon's face onto the profile page ♪

♪ I'm sorry, love I don't always understand your PC jargon ♪

♪ But if you're just on a message board ♪

♪ Why have you got that hard on? ♪

♪ FYI, it's not an arousal it's the way these trousers hang ♪

♪ And shouldn't you be out looking for your kid not staring at my wang? ♪

♪ But you're always on the web you're always connected ♪

♪ I don't always feel like I'm completely respected ♪

♪ I'm a woman I've got feelings! ♪

♪ And I need some care ♪

♪ I'm backing up me documents, woman ♪

♪ So fuck off over there ♪

♪ Fuck, fuck, fuck off-- fuck off over there ♪

[song slows and stops]

-[song resumes] -♪ Just fuck it-- fuck off over there ♪

♪ You're always on the web you're always connected ♪

♪ I make sexual advances and they're often rejected ♪

♪ I'm a woman with a vagina ♪

♪ Which sometimes needs a cock in it ♪

♪ I'm on eBay, you silly cunt ♪

♪ Now put a fucking sock in it ♪

♪ Fuck-- fuck, I'm on eBay you silly cunt ♪

♪ Now put-- p-- put a fucking sock in it ♪

♪ Pom-pom-pom, pom-pom-pom-pom ♪

[siren blaring]

-[George] So, a couple of weeks passed... -[glass breaks]

...and there was still no sign of little Shannon, age nine.

It'd become a big nationwide story,

and had spawned the largest police search since the Ripper

got handy with his hammer back in early '80s.

A lot of us feared worse still.

'Cause often, if the kid's not found in first few days,

it can mean they've been murdered by a nonce.

Shannon's chubby head were on the front cover of every newspaper.

And Karen and Craig appeared on several prime time TV shows

-appealing for Shannon's release. -[muted]

Television news crews descended on Dewsbury Moor estate,

covering all aspects of the search

and featuring Karen often sobbing her eyes out,

while Craig, her rock, stood firm in support.

Certain sections of media, though, were beginning to ask questions

about Karen and Craig's home set up

and said they were an example of broken Britain.

Turned out right she had seven kids by five blokes,

raking in benefits each week for four kids that live with her.

[scoffs] Made me think I might be in the wrong game.

Mrs. Matthews, is it true you've never had a job?

-[indistinct chatter] -If anyone's got me daughter,

me beautiful princess daughter,

please, would they bring her home safe?

Mrs. Matthews, is it true that you're receiving

£400 in benefits each week?

-[camera shutter clicking] -If anyone's got me daughter,

me beautiful princess daughter,

please, would they bring her home safe?

Mrs. Matthews, is it true your children

all have different fathers?

If anyone's got me--

Yeah, that is true, actually. Well, most of them.

You see...

["Different Dads" by Kunt and the Gang]

♪ I first got in the family way when I were in me teens ♪

♪ A bloke stuck his winkie in me flange ♪

♪ And then he'd done his beans ♪

♪ I hadn't thought of babies I didn't have it planned ♪

♪ Twelve years later I've got seven kids♪

♪ It's all got out of hand ♪

[chorus continues singing]

♪ And every one reminds me of a bunk up that I've had ♪

♪ One were conceived up an alley ♪

♪ And two behind some bins ♪

♪ Three and four they got the same dad ♪

♪ So we call them the twins ♪

♪ Your three and four got the same dad ♪

♪ So we call them the twins ♪

♪ The next one I were drunk one night ♪

♪ And had a one night stand ♪

♪ I hadn't thought of babies I didn't have it planned ♪

♪ I fell pregnant once again and started to expand ♪

♪ Then the social doubled me benefit ♪

♪ And I thought "That's really grand!" ♪

[chorus continues singing]

♪ And every one reminds me of a bunk up that I've had ♪

♪ Five's dad had a slap-head and six's were mixed race ♪

♪ That's why he's got curly hair ♪

♪ And a slightly darker face ♪

♪ Oh, so that's why he's got curly hair ♪

♪ And a slightly darker face ♪

[singing in Alur]

♪ So I left me flat got an house ♪

♪ And got pregnant by this chap ♪

♪ He were a fucking arsehole and sex with him were crap ♪

♪ He couldn't find the clitoris ♪

♪ I said "Do you need a fucking map?" ♪

♪ He said, "You cunt's so wide, it should have an announcement ♪

♪ That says, 'Mind the gap'" ♪

[chorus continues singing]

♪ And every one reminds me of a bunk up that I've had ♪

♪ One's dad ran the kebab van and two's worked in KFC ♪

-[man shouting] ♪ Woo-hoo! ♪ -♪ He gave us popcorn chicken every time we fucked ♪

♪ And he were right good to me ♪

♪ He gave her popcorn chicken every time they fucked ♪

♪ He were right good to thee ♪

♪ So, I ended up here with Craig ♪

♪ He's me youngest's dad ♪

♪ At least that's what I told him ♪

♪ He don't know about that other lad ♪

♪ If he ever asks me I'll tell him for the best ♪

♪ "Get us onTrisha, then you lazy wee cunt ♪

♪ And I'll do a DNA test!" ♪

[chorus continues singing]

♪ And every one reminds me of a bunk up that I've had ♪

♪ Five's dad were paraplegic and six's were a Turk ♪

[voice ululates]

♪ Seven's dad done me up the wrongun ♪

♪ I'm not sure how that one worked ♪

♪ I thought that gave you a backwards baby ♪

♪ I'm not sure how that one worked ♪

-[indistinct chatter] -A-- aye, okay, okay, I think that's enough now.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

Last but not least, Sun Newspaper

have asked me to announce that they've put up a reward

of £50,000

for information leading to Shannon's whereabouts.

[ethereal chiming]

Fifty grand!

[laughing] Bingo!

I mean...

...if anyone's got me daughter, my beautiful princess daughter,

please, would they bring her home safe?

[indistinct chatter]

[gentle music]

[camera shutter clicks]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[Karen] Fucking hell! That were mental! [chuckles]

I know how Bono from U2 feels now.

Hey, that's tired me out, love.

I'm just gonna go on Internet for a bit.

Fifty grand!

Imagine what you could do with 50 grand!

You'd be a millionaire!

I'd surprise you on your birthday

and get world's biggest pork pie delivered.

And when you open the door, I'd burst out of the pastry

wearing nowt but posh lingerie!

[Craig gags] Christ almighty!

I hope you'd waxed your bikini line first.

I love a pork pie, but last thing I need

is a big gobful of ginger pubes.

I don't know why I bother trying to do owt nice for you.

-I didn't realize you did. -[scoffs and grunts]

[deeply inhales and exhales]

-[sighing] Oh! -[keyboard clacking]

-Mm! Fucking hell! -[laptop chimes]

Look, Craig! Look on telly! Shannon's on telly again!

-Look! Shannon's famous! -[indistinct chatter continues]

[Craig] She's not famous, Karen.

She's missing.

Look, here's me again.

"If anyone's got me daughter, me beautiful princess daughter,

please, would they bring her home safe?"

[laughs] Fucking great, I am!

I'm like Kate Winslet. I'm a fucking natural. [laughs]

Look at you, though.

Do you have to wear that baseball cap?

[Craig] Oh, fuck off! What's the matter with me baseball cap?

What's the matter with me baseball cap?

-Makes you look like Eminem with Down's syndrome. -Fuck off!

Some people suit hats, and some people don't.

Sure, when people see you behind that fish counter,

they must think you got employed on some equal opportunity scheme. [laughs]

-[Craig] Christ, you're funny. -[laptop chimes]

It's like living on an episode of Will & Grace.

If Grace were a big ginger fucktard,

were fanny like a welly top.

And Will weren't a fudge packer, of course,

'cause that'd be me.

I'm starting to wonder if you are a fucking fudge packer.

-Nowt the matter with my fanny. -[laptop chimes]

Hmm. When I were in hospital, having a nipper,

got them to put an extra stitch in it when they sewed me up.

[clicks tongue] I've got the tightest cunt on the Dewsbury Moor estate,

everyone knows that! It's like a 12 year old's.

Trust me, it fucking ain't.

-Eh? -[gasps] Oh, nothing! Nothing!

I-- I just meant I have to put a finger on either side of me cock

just to touch the sides.

It's like waving a sausage around in Gull Farm.

It's got more scabs than miners' strike.

It's like sticking me cock in a sockfull of Crunchy Nut cornflakes.

-[thud] -Oh, stop hitting me, you silly bint!

[grunts] I could be on a show like Will & Grace

if you weren't always holding me back.

You saw me on that breakfast telly. I were fucking awesome!

I could do that every day, once I've got used to early mornings.

I thought you didn't want a fucking job?

But, you know, telly's not a fucking job, is it?

Just sitting around, talking bollocks. [scoffs]

When Fiona quits GMTV, I could do that.

I can just picture me sat on sofa with Andrew Castle.

Him sat there like a fucking cardboard cut-out cunt.

-Me still pissed from the night before. [chuckles] -[laptop chiming]

I'd liven things up a bit.

-[indistinct chatter on tv] -Sharing a dressing room

-with Ben Shephard! [gasps] -[heavenly chiming]

And him trying to get a sneaky look at me minge every time I get changed!

"Benny boy, if you ask me,

-I'll show you. -[keyboard clacking]

Pull it apart for you if you like." [laughs]

And in the bar after the show, all teams sat around,

sharing a couple of bottles of White Lightning.

Me, Ben,

Kate Garraway, Penny Smith,

John Stapleton and his wife, Lynn Faulds Wood!

-Oh, it'd be fucking fantastic! -Oh, fucking give it a rest!

You just can't handle me being popular, can you?

-Aye, that would be right. -Aye, it would.

-You see... -["P.O.P.U.L.A.R." by Kunt and the Gang]

♪ P-O-P-U-L-A-R ♪

♪ I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ P-O-P-U-L-A-R ♪

♪ I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ And if you tend to disagree that I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ Look at me on GMTV! ♪

♪ La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ The reasons TV likes me is I'm gritty and I'm real ♪

♪ A bit like Jane McDonald but with more sex appeal ♪

♪ I can turn on tears at the drop of an hat ♪

♪ Like Gwyneth Paltrow but not as fat ♪

♪ And if you disagree with that ♪

♪ I'll kick you in the cock or twat ♪

♪ P-O-P-U-L-A-R ♪

♪ I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ P-O-P-U-L-A-R ♪

♪ I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ And if you check all the reviews ♪

♪ I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ Look at me, I'm on Sky News! ♪

♪ La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ The reasons TV likes me is I'm ginger and a fox ♪

♪ A bit like Geri Halliwell ♪

♪ But I've sucked half as many cocks ♪

♪ Everyone on the estate can't help thinking that I'm great ♪

♪ While you sat on your computer with that woody ♪

♪ I'll be more famous than Jade Goody ♪

♪ P-O-P-U-L-A-R ♪

♪ I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ P-O-P-U-L-A-R ♪

♪ I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ And if you look on the TV ♪

♪ I'm popular, I'm popular ♪

♪ I've got me own documentary ♪

♪ La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

[crowd cheering and clapping]

[all chanting] Karen! Karen! Karen! Karen!

Karen! Karen! Karen! Karen...

You're living in a fucking dreamworld, you are!

You can't stand it, can you?

The thought of people liking me for who I am.

Karen, the only reason you're on telly is 'cause your daughter is missing.

They're not giving Kate McCann her own chat show.

Only 'cause she's such a miserable cunt.

You'll be a miserable cunt and all

if everyone thought that you'd killed your kid.

Not if I had all her fucking money, I wouldn't.

If the general public were giving me a million quid

to go out on a jolly to Portugal every couple of weeks,

wouldn't see me moping around with a face like a slapped arse.

She's hardly out there on Sangria,

dancing to Aga-fucking-doo.

She's out there looking for her missing kid.

Something that I wish that you'd do to give me a bit of peace and quiet.

-She's fucking loaded now, the sour-faced bitch! -[laptop chimes]

What she need all that fucking money for?

She a fucking doctor! All fucking minted anyway.

She should give me some of that cash.

I've got a missing kid.

Hey, we could fuck off on holiday, somewhere hot!

I've always fancied Benidorm.

-On what fucking planet are you on, woman? -Come on!

Couple of weeks in sunshine, away from all this bollocks, would be just the ticket.

We could get all-inclusive, so all beers are free.

You don't have to walk anywhere.

Could just lay there by the pool.

Another San Miguel here, Pedro.

[laughs] Be fucking ace.

[gasps] Loads of blokes who all look like Antonio Banderas

strutting about in skintight Speedos.

Oh, I'd be frothing at gash.

[ethereal chiming]

Seriously, I think just saying that

-has made me a little bit moist. -Ugh!

Oh, fucking hell.

Hey, we could go and see that Sticky Vicky!

You know her, what, pulls out stuff out her snatch.

It'll be a right laugh! [laughs]

I'd probably get carried away,

get up on stage and pull me tummy out. [laughs]

I'd give 'em a fucking shock.

[laughs]

Right, you. Get on Maddie website

and get us the number for the appeal.

[sighing] Oh, you've got to be fucking joking!

Don't be a cunt! Make yourself useful for once.

Fuck off. I'm not doing it.

-Right. Give us computer here then. -Uh, no, no, no!

I-- I'll do it, I'll do it! You'll just, uh,

fuck up me settings. Ugh, righto.

Which website then?

I don't fucking know!

ww.her-parents-probably did-it-anyway.com.

Just fucking google it, you prick!

-[Craig sighs] -[keyboard clacking]

[woman on TV] Oh, wow.

-[laptop chimes] -Right. Here it is.

0-2-0-7...

-0-2-0-7... -[phone beeping]

Hmm. 7-1-5...

7-1-5...

Mm-hmm. 7-4-6-9.

7-4-6-9. Mm-hmm.

[laughing] 69!

-Fucking hell! -[line rings]

Oh, shut up, you cunt! It's ringing.

-Hello, Madeleine McCann Appeal. -Oh, hello.

This is Karen Matthews. Shannon Matthews's mum.

You know, little girl what's missing?

Could I speak to Kate McCann, please?

Sorry, this is the Central Appeal office in London.

How can I help you?

Oh, well, could you give us Kate's number, then?

I need to speak to her about something.

I don't have a number for Mrs. McCann, I'm afraid.

You might be best to get in contact with the press office.

Here, we just deal with information

and public donations to the appeal.

Oh, right. Uh--

Oh, donations? Oh, well,

maybe you could help us, then.

You see, we're a bit short of cash, and I was wondering,

seeing as how your appeal is doing so well,

if you could sort us out a few quid.

-I'm sorry? -Just a few quid.

Uh, just a couple of grand to help us out.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Matthews, but all the money raised here

goes directly into the search and awareness campaign for Maddie.

It's only a couple of grand, you got fucking loads there!

Karen!

Mrs. Matthews, I'm sorry, but--

Give us some fucking money, you selfish bitch!

You don't need it all, you've got fucking loads!

I've got a missing kid, too!

Just because mine's not blonde and cute,

you think it don't matter that she's been abducted by a sex case?

[mimics sobbing] My Shannon's missing! My angel!

My beautiful princess daughter!

[in normal voice] Now give us some fucking money, you stuck up cunt!

[dial tone]

[Craig] So... how do you think that went?

[doorbell rings]

[man on laptop] ...go on, get your legs up, you big, fat shite!

Move your fucking big club around...

-[Karen] Oh, hello, Inspector Radgitt. -Shit!

[George] Hello, Mrs. Matthews.

The crowd is pretty much dispersed now.

Uh, I just need to pick something up,

then I'm back off to the station.

Oh, well, what you after?

Well, I just need your computer.

Oh, but it's fucked!

-No, it ain't. -No, I-- I could've sworn

I heard you shutting down Windows when I was stood up at the doorstep.

No, uh, that were me doing that.

I'm always singing that tune.

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

It's fucking well catchy.

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

Ah! Aye, I suppose it is. Aye!

Uh, anyway, I just need to take it to the station for analysis,

so we can rule yourselves out of inquiry.

Purely routine when someone goes missing.

Don't be a dick! Give him your computer, Craig.

But I'll lose out on me eBay bids.

I'm winning Best of Mini Pops DVD compilation.

Uh, we'll only need it for 24 hours,

and I'll have it straight back with you.

Give him your computer, you knob-end! [scoffs]

-Be nice to get him off it for a while, Inspector. -Aye.

Me crack hasn't had a service in weeks.

Honestly, I tried to stick a tammy in it last week,

and it felt like it were really knob.

Ugh! Well, you, you don't have to go into that much detail--

So, it's just routine?

Aye, lad. I'll have it back to you tomorrow.

Okay. Uh, I'll just unplug it for you.

[melancholic music]

-There you go. -Ta, lad. Yep, I'll see ya, then.

[George] That night, me head was swimming with information.

-[siren blaring] -I knew summat weren't right,

but couldn't quite put me finger on it.

[echoing] My beautiful princess daughter.

-Diddled by a nonce case. -[voice groaning eerily]

Diddled by a nonce case. Diddled by a nonce case.

-Best of Mini Pops. Best of Mini Pops. -Diddled by a nonce case.

-Diddled by a nonce case. -Best of Mini Pops.

-Me crack hasn't had a service in weeks... -Mini Pops, Mini Pops,

Mini Pops...

The next day, I went office. Just about to tuck into

a pre-packed BLT sandwich for me breakfast,

when I had an unexpected phone call

from one of other officers on the case.

Policemen doing house-to-house inquiries

in nearby Batley Carr had a lead.

-So I got over there as quickly as I could... -[siren blaring]

...and I were met by a young constable,

David World, who'd just been transferred from down south.

[upbeat whimsical music]

Hello, guv. And we seen one female,

thought she heard kiddies' footsteps in the flat above hers.

Thing is, see, chap's daughters were taken into care a while back.

All right, PC World. Hey, good work.

-I'll take it from here, lad. -Uh, the flat belongs to a Michael Donovan.

Donovan, eh?

Well, I'll give him ten good reasons why 'e shouldn't be

abducting kids on my patch!

[distant muffled chatter on TV]

I'm sure there's someone in there, guv!

I heard the chain flush a moment ago,

and then the theme music to Trishastarts.

-[muffled chatter continues] -Mr. Donovan, this is the police.

We need to speak to you.

[birds chirping]

Look, we know you're in there. We can hear Trisha.

Mr. Donovan, are you watching Trisha?

-This is your last chance. -Shall I kick his door in, guv?

Aye. I don't care

whether he's watching Trishaor not.

Kick the bastard in.

[sharp crashing]

Right. You check front rooms, I'll check back.

[heavily breathing]

[suspenseful music]

My God!

-PC World, out here now. -What have you found, guv?

Look, PC World, there's a long length of strong elastic

hanging from that beam of the loft.

It's as if someone's been keeping a small child tethered up.

Bit like a maltreated horse

or a goat or a dog!

R-- roger that, guv. But there's no time to waste.

While you're stood here naming tethered animals,

little Shannon could be getting fingered by a pedo!

Oh, aye, you're right! Wh-- where in the world could she be?

Where in the world, PC World?

Oh, what about the bedroom, guv? I know if I were a pedo,

w-- which I'm not, and I was gonna finger a kid,

which I would never do, that'd be the first place I'd go.

Well, aye, oh, I like your train of thought, PC World.

Uh, but just out of interest,

where would be your second and third places?

Uh, with all due respect, I can't say I've given it a great deal of thought, guv.

But since you ask, probably an alley

or the toilets of a soft play center.

Uh, there's no time to waste!

Aye, well, I'd best get that bedroom door open.

[shakily breathing]

-[thudding] -[clattering]

[suspenseful music]

-There's no one in here, guv. -[Michael farts]

-PC World, was that you? -Negative, guv.

Sounded like it came from the bed base.

[scoffs] Mr. Donovan, was that you who just trumped?

-[Michael] No. Oh, shit. -[both laughing]

Let's have you out, then, Mr. Donovan.

[Michael] No, I'm fine here. Thanks.

Nah, come out now. We need to ask you some questions.

[Michael] But I'm rubbish at quizzes!

Can't you just leave me alone?

-Shall I get my truncheon out, guv? -Yeah, all right.

[Michael] All right, all right! I'm coming out!

Give us a second, though, will you?

That trump smells quite nice.

[deeply inhales] Mm, roast dinners!

Right! Out! Now!

[yelps] You're hurting! I haven't done anything!

Michael Donovan, I'm arresting you on suspicion

of the abduction, possible diddling,

and maybe murder of little Shannon Matthews, age nine.

Now, you do not have to say anything,

but anything you do say may be taken down

and used as evidence in a court of law.

Where's Shannon, Mr. Donovan? Have you murdered her?

Murdered her? What are you talking about?

-You see... -[groans]

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under my bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under my bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under my bed ♪

["Shannon Ain't Dead [She's Under My Bed]" by Kunt and the Gang]

[PC World] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

[George] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

[skids]

[birds chirping]

[grunts and pants]

[Michael] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under my bed ♪

[PC World] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

[George] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

[Michael] ♪ We all have skeletons ♪

-♪ In the closet but mine's not a skeleton yet ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

[Michael] ♪ And there are many things♪

♪ That I've done in the past that I'd rather forget ♪

[George and PC World scatting]

[Michael] ♪ But her mum said ♪

♪ That we could get a big reward ♪

♪ So I brought her 'round here ♪

♪ On the back seat of my Ford and I can't explain ♪

♪ What were going through my head ♪

♪ Shannon's alive yep, she's fucked up on drugs ♪

♪ But on the plus side she's not dead ♪

[George and PC World] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

[Michael] ♪ We all have skeletons ♪

-♪ In the closet but mine's not a skeleton yet ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

[Michael] ♪ Yes, I've been keeping♪

-♪ A chubby, missing girl in my flat as a pet ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

[Michael] ♪ I had her tethered ♪

♪ To a beam up in the attic but I'd never murder her ♪

♪ Don't be so melodramatic ♪

-♪ And I'm not a pedo ♪ -[George and PC World] ♪ Pedo ♪

[Michael] ♪ Of that, I'm quite emphatic ♪

♪ Shannon's alive she hasn't been diddled with ♪

♪ And she's definitely not dead ♪

[George and PC World] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

[Michael] ♪ We all have genitals ♪

-♪ In our undies, but mine aren't a sexual threat ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

-[Michael] ♪ If you say nipple ♪ -[George] ♪ Nipple? ♪

-[PC World] ♪ Nipple? ♪ -[Michael] ♪ Nipple ♪

♪ I think of the country next to Tibet ♪

[George and PC World scatting]

[panting]

You okay? You a bit hot?

No. Continuity.

[automated voice] Floor 1A.

[Michael] ♪ It got out of hand ♪

♪ When the old bill got involved ♪

♪ And then the papers said ♪

♪ They'd give a reward if it were solved ♪

♪ And I can't explain ♪

♪ What were going through my head ♪

♪ But if I'd have known you were coming 'round ♪

♪ I'd have kept her up me shed ♪

[George and PC World] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

[panting]

[softly] Oh.

[both panting]

[footsteps approaching]

[all loudly panting]

Get this toothless simpleton in handcuffs, PC World.

Let's see how he'll likes being tethered up against his will.

-Actually, before you do that, can I finish wiping me arse? -Ugh!

You see, I was in the middle of a number two when I heard you outside.

I had to nip it off.

No, you can't.

You lost any rights to have a cleanly wiped backside

the moment you decided to kidnap a little girl.

Get him out of my sight, PC World.

The faint whiff of unwiped crack is turning my stomach.

Yes, guv. Come on, you filthy, disgusting,

snivelling, dirty bottomed piece of dog excrement!

Hang on. When do I get me half of 50 grand?

-[George] Huh? -[PC World grunts]

[upbeat whimsical music]

Shannon, love. Come on, y-- you're safe now.

-I'm a policeman. -[Shannon groans weakly]

Hey, I-- I bet you can't wait to see your mom.

[echoing Shannon screaming]

♪ Pom-pom-pom, pom-pom-pom-pom ♪

[siren blaring]

[George] So, I left Shannon in the hands of social services,

who were going to look after her for the next few weeks.

Help her to adjust back into normal life

whilst gently probing her for information about 'er terrible ordeal.

I, on the other hand, had the peachy job

of breaking the good news to Karen and Craig.

So I headed straight round there.

[indistinct chatter on video game]

Well, shall I get that, then?

-[engine revving on TV] -[chiming on TV]

Fucking useless fucking lump of dog shit.

-Oh, hello, Inspector Radgitt. [chuckling] -Hello, Mrs. Matthews.

Hey, I've got some very good news for you.

[Karen] Don't tell me. Those tight bastards, the McCanns,

have agreed to give us some of their cash. [laughs]

Oh, I'm only joking, Inspector.

No, no. We found your daughter.

-Oh. -[cell phone ringing]

Hey! I like your ringtone! Could you text it to us?

That'd be proper sound if you could sort that out for us.

-Hello? -Uh, Bluetooth it over if you like.

-[indistinct chatter on phone] -It don't cost fuck all. Look in your devices list.

My phone will show up as "A1 Mum."

-[man on phone] George, hello? -I called it that.

-George, are you there? -What's going on?

Just trying to get his ring tone! It's the bollocks.

-[indistinct chatter on phone] -Oh, you're joking!

[grunts] All right! Okay, I, I see.

-Oh, and they found Shannon. -Oh.

Would you like a cup of tea, Inspector?

Can't offer you a Viscount, that greedy bastard's eaten them all.

-But we've got some Garibaldis. -No, thank you, Mrs. Matthews.

Are you sure? Love a Garibaldi, me.

Oh, got the lot, I reckon.

Perfect balance between crispy and moist.

And the raisins count as one of your five a day.

[scoffs] No, no, I'm grand, thanks, Mrs. Matthews.

Hmm. Suit yourself.

So, would you like to know where she were found?

-Yeah, okay. -In a flat in Batley Carr.

[Craig] Oh, what a coincidence!

That's where me Uncle Michael lives.

Yeah, and that's where she were found.

Hidden under his bed. Him, with an unwiped backside to boot.

What? So she were at me Uncle Michael's all the time?

Aye. Well, I'm afraid that's not all we found.

-[stutters] What else were there? -What else were there?

It's your computer, Mr. Meehan.

You see...

["You're A Paedophile" by Kunt and the Gang]

♪ Mr. Meehan, your computer has been analyzed ♪

♪ We found a folder on your desktop ♪

♪ Which were not well disguised ♪

♪ It were named "Little Front Bottoms" ♪

♪ So when we looked inside ♪

♪ The pictures that we found ♪

♪ Didn't leave us that surprised ♪

♪ Those were not my pictures I've not seen them before ♪

♪ Sure, I've downloaded adult porn ♪

♪ Even scat, but nothing more ♪

♪ You coming down station because you broke the law ♪

♪ With your nudie pics of little kids ♪

♪ Levels one to four ♪

♪ You're a pedophile you're a pedophile ♪

♪ You've pictures of kids that's what you did ♪

♪ So you're a pedophile I can tell by your style ♪

♪ I think I've known for a while ♪

♪ That you do your beans on the under 16s ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a pedophile ♪

♪ Just face the facts and you're like Michael Jackson ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a pedophile ♪

♪ Perhaps it happened by accident ♪

♪ I clicked an erroneous link ♪

♪ Mistakenly downloaded JPEGs a minor showing pink ♪

[George] ♪ Come off it, Mr. Meehan that's a crock of crap ♪

♪ You don't accidentally acquire pics of kiddies ♪

♪ Sat on a nude man's lap ♪

♪ Someone must've used me computer without me knowing ♪

♪ And downloaded pics of little kids with their privates showing ♪

[George] ♪ Come off it, Mr. Meehan that's not true at all ♪

♪ I know you've been on theMini Pops DVD if you recall ♪

♪ I'm not a pedophile I'm not a pedophile ♪

♪ I had some pictures of kids that's all I did ♪

♪ I'm not a pedophile ♪

♪ You can tell by my smile ♪

♪ It'll be proved in a trial ♪

♪ Though a court case's looming I haven't been grooming ♪

♪ I'm not a pedophile ♪

♪ I'm not perverted I never inserted I'm not a pedophile ♪

♪ Craig, I can't believe the things they've found on your PC ♪

♪ I'm a woman with ladies' private parts ♪

♪ What is wrong with me? ♪

♪ I guess you deserve the truth, love ♪

♪ But don't you get upset ♪

♪ To be honest it's your big ginger gash ♪

♪ That drove me on the net ♪

♪ I haven't interfered with kids or abused your trust ♪

♪ I'm not their special uncle ♪

♪ I haven't got a perverted lust ♪

♪ I came across the pics online and so I saved a few ♪

♪ I'm not a nonce I just were bored ♪

♪ And it were something to do ♪

♪ You're a pedophile you're a pedophile ♪

♪ You've pictures of kids that's what you did ♪

♪ So you're a pedophile ♪

[George] ♪ I can tell by your style ♪

♪ I think I've known for a while ♪

♪ You don't mind cocks or vaginas as long as they're minors♪

♪ 'Cause you're a pedophile ♪

♪ Your search history, my friend was like Pete Townshend ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a pedophile ♪

[thudding]

[Karen] Craig! Oh, Craig, what have you done?

[melancholic music]

I can feel him slipping away.

Oh, why did we not listen to his cry for help?

Oh, Craig, what have you taken?

Looks like about half a bottle of Calpol, Mrs. Matthews.

-Craig! -Shit!

Craig Meehan, I'm arresting you on suspicion

of possessing indecent images of kiddies in t'nude.

Now, you do not have to say anything,

but anything you do say may be taken down

and used as evidence in a court of law.

-Can I bring my Nintendo DS? -No, you cannot!

You lost any right to play on portable gaming systems

the day you decided to download indecent images of naked kids.

Get him out of my sight, Inspector.

I can't bear to look at him.

[mimics sobs and cries] I've let a monster into me house!

I'm taking your Nintendo DS down Cash Converters this afternoon.

That'll fucking show you!

[wailing] No!

[siren blaring]

So, we had Craig Meehan and his uncle in custody.

It looked to any outsider like Shannon's disappearance

might be down to a straightforward

-uncle-nephew pedo ring. -[man] Oh, fucking hell--

-[George] When we did the interviews, though... -[camera shutter clicking]

...a very different story started to emerge.

Little Shannon told us that she'd had the best few weeks of her life,

off her tits on temazepam, being held captive at Donovan's.

She'd even started calling him "Dad."

Were on about both of them going off to Blackpool to live.

All right. Donovan were a couple of spuds short of a roast.

But he maintained 'e weren't a wrong un.

Summat still weren't quite right, though.

And that night, in me bed,

my mind raced over all things I heard over previous few weeks.

-[echoing] My beautiful princess daughter... -[voice groaning eerily]

...diddled by a nonce case.

-Diddled by a nonce case. Diddled by a nonce. -Best of Mini Pops.

-Diddled by a nonce case... -Best of Mini Pops. Best of Mini Pops.

-Can I finish wiping me arse? -Mini Pops. Mini Pops.

-But her mum said... -Fifty grand!

-...that we could get... -Bingo!

-...a big reward. -Fifty grand? Bingo!

-Bingo! Bingo! -Bingo!

[man] Oh, fucking hell! Fuck's sake!

[man on TV] Question then, relating to your food habits.

-[Reginald] Yeah? -[interviewer] Um, would you like to tell our audience,

what did you have for breakfast this very morning?

-Oh, everything. Yeah, as much as I could. Everything-- -[doorbell rings]

[interviewer] Could you-- could you list the items?

[Reginald] Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

Uh, uh, I had some sausages.

Twenty of them because I only had...

[Karen] Oh, hello, Inspector Radgitt! [chuckles]

Have you come with some news about the reward?

[George] No, I haven't.

Karen Matthews, I'm arresting you

on suspicion of kidnaping your own daughter,

little Shannon Matthews, age nine.

Now, you do not have to say anything,

but anything you do say may be taken down

and used as evidence in a court of law.

Put her in handcuffs, PC World.

-[handcuffs clicking] -But it were nothing to do with me!

[mimics sobs and cries] My beautiful princess daughter!

Save your crocodile tears for court, Mrs. Matthews.

You're gonna need them when everyone hears

the despicable things you've done.

But you can't arrest me.

I'm due on GMTV again tomorrow morning.

Over my dead body!

You can kiss Ben Shephard and core goodbye.

You lost any right to appear on breakfast television

the day decided to mastermind the fake disappearance of your daughter.

Besides, I doubt there'd be a parent in London

who wouldn't vomit their breakfast

straight back up from whence it came

when faced with the crimes that you committed

against that poor little lass of yours.

You know, when I thought about it this morning,

I had terrible trouble keeping me Shreddies down.

Why were you eating your breakfast with your shreddies down?

Oh, shut your cake hole, you!

You lost the right to make cereal based puns

the minute you kidnaped your kid!

Gosh, you make me sick!

Should I rough her up a bit, guv?

Oh, that would take some doing, lad.

Just get it out of my sight!

Just being around this lying ginger bint

is turning my stomach!

Oh!

[suspenseful music]

[indistinct chatter on TV]

[gasps, shudders]

Karen Matthews and Michael Donovan were interviewed.

Both blamed the other.

Matthews insisted she knew nothing about it,

-and claimed to not even know where Donovan lived. -[camera shutter clicks]

Even though a neighbor of his told us that she'd seen...

[pages rustling]

..."a big, freckly ginger rotter knocking on his door."

Yeah, we found those vile pictures on Craig Meehan's laptop.

But Craig's Internet noncery turned out to be a red herring.

Forensics had checked over Shannon's "little front bottom"

with a fine tooth comb. And to everyone's relief,

-didn't appear to have been diddled with at all. -[cheers]

Karen and Michael were charged with kidnap, false imprisonment,

and perverting course of justice.

But in December, about nine months

after little Shannon had first been abducted,

case went to court.

♪ Bah-bah-bah bah-bah-bah-bah-bah ♪

[indistinct chatter]

-[clacks] -[judge] Order!

-[man groans softly] -Order!

Please, continue.

Mrs. Matthews.

Is it correct that you instigated this plot so heinous

by turning up at Mr. Donovan's dwelling one morning in February,

while he was on the lavatory,

defecating some human excrement out of his anus?

I never! It were nothing to do with me!

Now I put it to you, Mrs. Matthews, that your impatience

at Mr. Donovan being thus engaged

led to you subsequently suggesting he wipe to beige!

I never! It were nothing to do with me!

So, Mrs. Matthews, after Mr. Donovan revealed

he fortunately had what he refers to as a "ghost poo,"

is it true that you promised him a 50% share

in any reward money that would be forthcoming

if he participated in the abduction

of your daughter, Shannon Matthews?

I never! It were nothing to do with me!

Mr. Donovan!

[suspenseful music]

As Mrs. Matthews appears so reticent to answer

any questions pertaining to the case,

perhaps you are able to enlighten the court,

from the start, as to how you came to be discovered,

hiding along with a little girl, Shannon Matthews, age nine,

in your bed base!

Well, it were a bit like this. You see...

♪ Bah-bah-bah bah-bah-bah-bah-bah ♪

♪ Bom! ♪

♪ I were unemployed and skint I'd just finished me poo ♪

♪ A knock on the door I wiped me bum and saw Karen Matthews ♪

♪ After me daughters were took into care I needed to fill the void ♪

♪ So a kidnap scam for 50 grand why, I were overjoyed ♪

♪ When I hear these accusations it makes me feel distressed ♪

♪ I may not be the world's best mum but I try my fucking best ♪

♪ Don't judge me by the way I talk or the way that I am dressed ♪

♪ You wanna walk a mile in my crocs? ♪

♪ Well, be my fucking guest ♪

♪ 'Cause it were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ It were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ I didn't fucking do owt I were in, watching TV ♪

♪ I'll look you in the eye and tell you, I can guarantee ♪

♪ Look, I keep crying because I'm not lying ♪

♪ It were nothing to do with me it were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ Michael's a mentalist like Barry George ♪

♪ Even his name is fake ♪

♪ He changed it to be like the hero of V ♪

♪ He used to be called Paul Drake ♪

♪ You can't believe anything he says ♪

♪ He lives in a world of lies ♪

♪ I-- I wouldn't shit thee now fucking acquit me ♪

♪ I could murder a burger and fries ♪

[Michael] ♪ We planned to go to Blackpool she didn't miss her mum ♪

♪ We just stayed in we had a grin we took temazepam ♪

♪ I promised her a candy floss donuts and ice cream ♪

♪ Then I popped up the shops and left her tethered to a beam ♪

-[all] ♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ Living in my flat ♪

-♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ I'm not denying that ♪

-♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ We had lots of hugs ♪

♪ Oh, that's nice ♪

♪ 'Cause I liked the company and she were off her tits on drugs ♪

♪ 'Cause he liked the company and she were off her tits on drugs ♪

♪ But it were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ It were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ I didn't fucking do owt I were in watching TV♪

♪ I'll look you in the eye and tell you, I can guarantee ♪

♪ Michael Donovan snatched her to a beam, he attached her ♪

♪ But it were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ It were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ I know I'm not as eloquent as cunty Kate McCann ♪

♪ And I'm not as skinny we don't follow the same diet plan ♪

♪ And I haven't got her money more's the fucking pity ♪

♪ But, look I'm crying actual tears ♪

♪ Now fucking acquit me! ♪

♪ We shared a love ofTrisha ♪

♪ She started to call me "Dad" ♪

♪ In fact, it were the best three weeks ♪

♪ That we had ever had ♪

♪ Now Shannon's been took away I miss her chubby face ♪

♪ No one can take her place she left a void in my bed base ♪

-[all] ♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ Living in my flat ♪

-♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ It were Karen who planned that ♪

-♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ We had lots of hugs ♪

♪ Aw! ♪

♪ 'Cause I liked the company ♪

♪ And she were off her tits on drugs ♪

♪ 'Cause he liked the company ♪

♪ And she were off her tits on drugs ♪

-♪ It were him ♪ -♪ It were her ♪

-♪ It were him ♪ -♪ It were her ♪

-[Karen] ♪ It were him ♪ -[Michael] ♪ It were her ♪

-[Karen] ♪ It were him ♪ -[Michael] ♪ It were her ♪

-[Karen] ♪ It were him ♪ -[Michael] ♪ It were her ♪

-[Karen] ♪ It were him ♪ -[Michael] ♪ It were her ♪

-♪ It were him ♪ -♪ It were her ♪

-[Karen] ♪ It were him! ♪ -[Michael] ♪ It were her! ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

♪ Mrs. Matthews, you are going to jail where you belong ♪

♪ As all the evidence suggests it was your plan all along ♪

♪ You might as well face you have no case and you were in the wrong ♪

♪ As wrong as the image of you bent over in nothing but a thong ♪

[shudders]

♪ But it were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ It were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ I didn't fucking do owt I were in watching TV ♪

♪ I'll look you in the eye and tell you, I can guarantee ♪

♪ I didn't abduct her I suspect Michael fucked her ♪

♪ But it were nothing to do with me ♪

♪ It were nothing to do with me ♪

-[all] ♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ Living in my flat ♪

-[all] ♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪ -♪ I never touched 'er rat ♪

-♪ Oh! ♪ -[all] ♪ Shannon, Shannon ♪

♪ We had lots of hugs ♪

♪ 'Cause I liked the company and she were off her tits on drugs ♪

♪ 'Cause he liked the company ♪

♪ And it were nothing to do with me! ♪

♪ It were nothing to do with me! ♪

[gong chimes]

[George] Karen Matthews and Michael Donovan were both found guilty

and sentenced to eight years each in prison.

Turns out Karen had masterminded the whole sordid plot,

and had known where Shannon were the whole time.

[sighs] All the tears and emotion just being a great big sham.

Aye, she'd sucked us all in,

but, uh, given the state of her, luckily not off.

-In a way, Karen's wish had come true. -[camera shutter clicking]

At last, she were famous, but not in a good way.

The press had a field day, and she were vilified like a ginger Myra Hindley

or Rose West or-- or Maxine Carr, but with eyebrows.

Uh, I, I know what you're thinking.

I'm stood here listing evil women of recent history,

and I haven't even told you what happened to little Shannon yet.

Well, I'm pleased to say she were taken into care

and is being looked after by a normal family,

who haven't tied her to a beam and loft, hidden her in a bed base,

and don't sit around eating Viscounts

while masturbating over child pornography.

PC World, me, and team all went out that night

for a few jars to celebrate result.

[gentle music]

To tell you the truth, it were good

-just to kick back and relax... -[indistinct chatter]

...knowing that justice had been served.

[crowd cheering and laughing]

[thudding]

One of the sergeants, right, he booked a couple of strippers

who ended up sucking off some of the young constables,

while us old'uns just sat around and clapped every time one of them popped his load.

Oh! [laughs]

Go on, love, get it down ya. Ooh!

Ooh. [sharply inhales]

Now, that's what I call a happy ending.

[clinking]

[coughs, exclaims]

♪ Pom-pom-pom-pom ♪

Ooh, yeah!

"Dear Craig, I was pleased to hear you got released.

I'm really missing outside world.

Tea tastes like piss in here.

And there's no Viscounts, Penguins,

or even Blue-fucking-Ribands.

They've stuck me in a cell with a butch dyke

who keeps trying to get a glimpse of me piss flaps

every time I do a wee or a poo!

[sniffles] It's like my Ben Shephard

GMTV dressing room dream in a nightmare form.

[distant shouting]

Well, the prisoners all hate me.

Every time I leave the cell, they all gob at me,

call me terrible names like 'Ginger Pubes'...

[crying] or even worse, 'Mick Hucknall.'

They don't know what a great mum I were rest of the time.

People just judge you on one stupid mistake.

It's like Fred West.

I bet he had hundreds of satisfied customers

who were perfectly happy with the standard of his handiwork.

Then you make one bad decision and your reputation is fucked.

Well, fuck them! Fuck the fucking lot of them!

[melancholic music]

I've been thinking, Craig,

and I'd like to give us another go.

But I'm not worried about those pics of kids they found on your laptop.

At least there were no level five.

When I get out, I doubt they'll let us have kids back anyway.

In the meantime, we could get wedded,

and they give you a special room, where you can come 'round

and they give us a servicing. [chuckles]

If you do come, could you bring us in a bag of Frazzles?

Fucking gagging for some crisps!

Lots of love, Karen."

[Craig] Dear Karen, thanks for your letter.

I'm having trouble adjusting to life outside again,

chiefly because of the likelihood of me being attacked

every time I leave the house,

'cause of those bastard pictures.

I don't know why I kept them now.

Didn't even give us a hard on. Not even a semi.

Well, a bit of a semi,

but there weren't even a drop of precum on end of it.

[light ominous music]

I've been thinking as well. And I think we should

-give it another go. -[girl indistinctly shouting]

-Dickhead! -And it's got nothing to do

with the fact that no other bird around here

will touch me with a shitty stick.

-[indistinct shouting] -[gasping]

I'll try and visit you soon, Karen.

And I'll bring you a, a Bobby's Selection Pack

and some Tunnock's Teacakes...

...if I can get me police guard

to stop off at garage on the way.

Lots of love, Craig.

["Two Of A Kind" by Kunt and the Gang]

"Dear Craig, you see..."

♪ My love, I am in prison but I will remain true ♪

♪ I won't suck anyone off I'll save myself for you ♪

♪ It's nice of you to say that you're prepared to wait ♪

♪ But surely it's full of birds so there's no one to fellate ♪

♪ But them birds are les-be-friends like the one I told you about ♪

♪ And they don't look like fussy eaters, so they might want to lick me out ♪

♪ I too will remain faithful then a deal we have clinched ♪

♪ Mind you I can't leave the house for fear I'll get lynched ♪

[both] ♪ You and me we're two of a kind ♪

-♪ I'm stuck indoors ♪ -♪ And to a cell I'm confined ♪

♪ People say you're a rotter but I say love is blind ♪

♪ Well, you are very short sighted ♪

[both] ♪ And you're on my mind ♪

♪ We go together like strawberries and cream ♪

♪ Do you know what I mean? You and me are a dream ♪

[Craig] ♪ You faked the abduction of your nine-year-old daughter ♪

[Karen] ♪ You had nude pics of kids on your laptop that you didn't oughtta ♪

♪ You were prone to bouts of violence and threw beer cans at the kids ♪

[Craig] ♪ You left your pants on the sidewalk, and they're always full of skids ♪

-[Karen] ♪ Nobody's perfect ♪ -[Craig] ♪ You're certainly not ♪

[Karen] ♪ And neither are you you little cunt ♪

[both] ♪ But you're all that I've got ♪

♪ You and me we're two of a kind ♪

-[Karen] ♪ You're stuck indoors ♪ -[Craig] ♪ And to a cell ♪

-♪ You're confined ♪ -[Karen] ♪ People say ♪

♪ You're remedial but I say that's unkind ♪

♪ Although you are a bit special ♪

[both] ♪ And you're on my mind ♪

♪ You and me we're from the same mold ♪

-[Karen] ♪ Together forever ♪ -[Craig] ♪ To have and to hold ♪

[Karen] ♪ People say that you're backward ♪

[Craig] ♪ And that you're ginger and old ♪

[Karen] ♪ But you'll be 30 in eight years you cheeky cunt ♪

[Craig] ♪ And that's when you'll be paroled ♪

[Karen] ♪ You'll be 30 in eight years ♪

[Craig] ♪ And that's when you'll be paroled ♪

[both] ♪ We're two of a kind and our story is told ♪

[George] And that's little Sharon Matthews, age nine.

Good night.

[soft click]

[Karen echoing] Me crack hasn't had a service

in weeks...

[ominous music]

[upbeat music]

[reporter] Mrs. Matthews, is it true that you've never had a job?

-[Craig] Karen. -[PC World] Karen.

-[George] Karen. -[PC World] Karen?

-[man 1] Karen. -[woman 1] Karen!

[woman 2] Matthews!

[George] A big freckly ginger rotter.

I'm Detective Inspector George Radgitt.

Detective Inspector George Raggett at Yorkshire police.

I'm arresting you on suspicion of possessing

indecent images of kiddies in the nude.

-[Karen] Craig! Craig! -[woman 2] Craig. Craig!

-[Karen] Craig. Craig. -[woman 2] Craig. Craig.

-[Karen] Craig! -[George] Craig Meehan and his uncle, Michael Donovan.

Donovan. Donovan! Donovan. Donovan. Donovan! Donovan.

Donovan! Donovan? Hey! Well, I'll give him ten good reasons

why he shouldn't be abducting kids on my patch!

[PC World] Cunt! Cunt. Cunt. Cunt.

-[Karen] Cunt? -[PC World] Cunt.

[George] Constable David World.

[siren blaring]

["Shannon Ain't Dead" [She's Under My Bed] by Kunt and the Gang]

[George] Where in the world could she be?

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under my bed ♪

[George and PC World] ♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under my bed ♪

♪ We all have skeletons ♪

-♪ In the closet but mine's not skeleton yet ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

♪ And there are many things ♪

-♪ That I've done in the past that I'd rather forget ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

♪ But her mum said ♪

♪ That we could get a big reward ♪

♪ So I brought her 'round here ♪

♪ On the back seat of my Ford ♪

♪ And I can't explain ♪

♪ What were going through my head ♪

♪ Shannon's alive yep, she's fucked up on drugs ♪

♪ But on the plus side she's not dead ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ We all have skeletons ♪

-♪ In the closet but mine's not a skeleton yet ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

♪ Yes, I've been keeping ♪

-♪ A chubby, missing girl in my flat as a pet ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

♪ I had her tethered to a beam up in the attic ♪

♪ But I'd never murder her ♪

-♪ Don't be so melodramatic and I'm not a pedo ♪ -♪ Pedo ♪

♪ Of that I'm quite emphatic Shannon's alive ♪

♪ She hasn't been diddled with and she's definitely not dead ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

-♪ Pom-pom-pom-pom ♪ -[siren blaring]

-[woman] Shannon, Shannon. -[George] Little Shannon.

-[woman] Shannon. Shannon! -[George] Shannon, love.

-Shannon, Little Shannon. -[woman] Shannon.

Shannon. Shannon! Little Shannon.

[George] Little Shannon Matthews. Little Shannon Matthews.

Little Shannon Matthews! Little Shannon Matthews,

-age nine. -[woman] Age nine.

-[George] Age nine. -[Karen] Age nine.

Me beautiful princess daughter, daughter...

Me beautiful princess daughter, daughter...

Me beautiful princess daughter, daughter...

-Me beautiful princess daughter, daughter... -Age nine.

-Me beautiful princess daughter, daughter... -Age nine.

-Me beautiful princess daughter, daughter... -Age nine.

-Me beautiful princess daughter, daughter... -Age nine.

-[George] Nine. Nine. -[distorted] Nine, ni-- n-- nine--

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ We all have genitals ♪

-♪ In our undies, but mine aren't a sexual threat ♪ -[George and PC World scatting]

-♪ If you say nipple ♪ -♪ Nipple? ♪

-♪ Nipple? ♪ -♪ Nipple! ♪

♪ I think of the country next to Tibet ♪

[George and PC World scatting]

♪ It got out of hand when the old bill got involved ♪

♪ And then the papers said ♪

♪ They'd give a reward if it was solved ♪

♪ And I can't explain what were going through my head ♪

♪ But if I'd have known you were coming 'round ♪

♪ I'd have kept her up me shed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under my bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under his bed ♪

♪ Shannon ain't dead she's under my bed ♪