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1
00:00:01,294 --> 00:00:03,754
Rick:
Look, I'm not paying 70 smidgens
2
00:00:03,838 --> 00:00:05,464
for a broken defraculator.
3
00:00:05,548 --> 00:00:08,676
That is multiphase quantum
resonator.
4
00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:10,511
- Well, does it defraculate?
- Fuck no.
5
00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,513
Then... then —- then
it's a broken defraculator.
6
00:00:12,597 --> 00:00:14,515
Like you would even know dick
about fraculation!
7
00:00:14,599 --> 00:00:16,225
Your planet just got cellphones,
8
00:00:16,309 --> 00:00:18,311
and the coverage still sucks!
9
00:00:18,394 --> 00:00:20,438
Rick:
Yeah, yeah, and your species eat sulfur.
10
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,273
So, let's say 60 smidgens.
11
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,983
I tell you what —-
I'll do you a favor.
12
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,568
I'll throw in a fart.
13
00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,570
Hey, uh, Rick, urn, you think
14
00:00:27,653 --> 00:00:29,405
maybe I could get
something from this place,
15
00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:31,240
like a souvenir, like,
just to have -...
16
00:00:31,324 --> 00:00:32,992
Like, something cool, you know?
17
00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:34,595
Not here, morty.
We'll stop somewhere else.
18
00:00:34,619 --> 00:00:36,829
Because, you know, there's
always another pawn shop.
19
00:00:36,913 --> 00:00:38,831
Morty: Oh, okay. I just, um -...
20
00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:40,515
You know, I thought that
robot over there
21
00:00:40,583 --> 00:00:42,335
looked pretty cool, you know?
22
00:00:42,418 --> 00:00:44,795
Oh, it looks cool, huh?
That's why you want it?
23
00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,422
Yeah! You know, I mean...
24
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:48,132
It's different
from the stuff on earth,
25
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,194
and, you know, you take me
to all these crazy places
26
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,677
across the galaxy,
27
00:00:51,761 --> 00:00:53,681
and, you know, I don't
really have anything to...
28
00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:55,640
To remember all those trips by.
29
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,642
It'd be kind of cool,
like a souvenir.
30
00:00:57,725 --> 00:00:59,393
You know, like, what if
you passed away
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00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:00,770
or died or something?
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00:01:00,853 --> 00:01:02,563
I wouldn't even have anything
to remember
33
00:01:02,647 --> 00:01:04,357
all the cool stuff
we did, you know?
34
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:06,359
Okay. 60 for the resonator,
35
00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,111
and my grandson
wants the sex robot.
36
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:49,860
So, we're just going
to pretend this isn't happening?
37
00:01:49,944 --> 00:01:51,946
I'm not saying that's
a bad idea -—just asking.
38
00:01:52,029 --> 00:01:53,781
Rick, why would you let morty
39
00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:55,908
bring that
thing into our house?!
40
00:01:55,992 --> 00:01:57,427
I don't know.
What do you want from me?
41
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,745
He thi—- he thou...
He thought it looked cool.
42
00:01:59,829 --> 00:02:00,663
You know what I mean?
43
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:01,914
Whew!
44
00:02:05,710 --> 00:02:07,420
Ahh. All right.
45
00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:10,006
Back to -— back to...
B-Back upstairs.
46
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,303
Well, I'm intervening.
47
00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:16,971
Intervening with pubefly?
48
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,432
You'll turn him into
Ralph fiennes in "red dragon."
49
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:22,560
He's at that age.
Let's just be proud of him.
50
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,104
Jesus. Did I really set
the bar that low?
51
00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:28,399
Um, Rick, could you
come with me, please...
52
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,608
Q-Quickly?
53
00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:33,612
Okay, now if we hear squeaking,
we intervene.
54
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,116
Where's the sex robot, morty?
55
00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:39,327
That is Gwendolyn...
I-I mean, the robot!
56
00:02:39,410 --> 00:02:41,829
She started beeping, transformed
and tried to fly away!
57
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,497
Strange... that's
usually the man's job.
58
00:02:43,581 --> 00:02:45,207
You know what I'm talking
about, morty?
59
00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:47,084
Wubba-iubba—dub—dub!
60
00:02:47,168 --> 00:02:48,586
Morty!
61
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,254
That's my catchphrase, remember?
62
00:02:50,338 --> 00:02:52,923
Remember... remember how I...
How I cemented that catchphrase?
63
00:02:53,007 --> 00:02:54,401
All right.
All right, seriously, though,
64
00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:55,551
let me grab this thing.
65
00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,472
Come on, you... rascal.
66
00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:02,558
- Okay, unacceptable! Oh.
- What is going on?
67
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,393
- [Giggles I - all right. Uh-oh.
68
00:03:04,477 --> 00:03:06,354
"Uh-oh"? What is that?!
69
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,272
Hmm. I think morty's robot
was designed
70
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,733
for more than long weekends.
71
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,528
Genetic compiler,
incubation chamber.
72
00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,447
Yep. This here's some kind
of baby maker,
73
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,157
and that there's half morty,
half...
74
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:20,159
Who... who knows wh-what?
75
00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,244
It's my bad, guys.
I'll... I'll take care of it.
76
00:03:22,328 --> 00:03:23,930
- Grandpa Rick, no, no!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
77
00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,539
What do you think you're doing?!
78
00:03:25,623 --> 00:03:27,383
Hey, listen -— you guys
quarantined the house
79
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:29,136
when summer brought olives
back from Mexico.
80
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:31,288
I mean, this thing could grow
to the size of Delaware.
81
00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:33,672
I mean, it might eat brains
and exhale space aids.
82
00:03:33,756 --> 00:03:35,508
We gotta be careful.
83
00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:37,510
I lost the chance
to be careful, Rick.
84
00:03:37,593 --> 00:03:38,844
I'm a father now!
85
00:03:38,928 --> 00:03:40,721
You know, it's time for me
to be responsible.
86
00:03:40,805 --> 00:03:42,556
- Isn't that right...
- Don't name it.
87
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,558
- Morty Jr.?
- Oh, crap. He named it.
88
00:03:44,642 --> 00:03:46,620
Well, dad, it's a living thing,
and it's half human.
89
00:03:46,644 --> 00:03:49,271
And it was born on American
soil, which entitles it to -...
90
00:03:49,355 --> 00:03:51,273
Jerry, majoring in
civics was yourmistake.
91
00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:52,691
Don't punish us for it.
92
00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,235
Fine.
93
00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:57,029
I'm gonna take this thing
to my workshop and investigate.
94
00:03:57,113 --> 00:03:59,031
Do not let that thing out
of your sight.
95
00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:02,034
It looks harmless now,
but it could grow dangerous.
96
00:04:02,118 --> 00:04:04,036
Like the insane clown posse.
97
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,996
Yeah. Good one, Jerry.
98
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:08,624
2003 just called.
It wants its easy target back.
99
00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:10,793
Ohh. He's like a little me!
100
00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:13,879
Y-You don't think he'll turn
into a monster... do you?
101
00:04:13,963 --> 00:04:15,506
They always do.
102
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,842
Hey, uh, 1995 called!
103
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,343
They want their
"certain year called
104
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,262
wanting its 'blank' back"
formula back!
105
00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,305
Why, Jerry?
Why expend the effort?
106
00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:25,558
Life is effort,
and I'll stop when I die!
107
00:04:27,810 --> 00:04:29,603
- Out.
- Whatcha doin'?
108
00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:31,397
Well, I can't solve
the problem my way,
109
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,458
thanks to your family's
primitive biological hang-ups.
110
00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:35,734
Gross. I might have just
touched one of morty's loads.
111
00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,028
But maybe I can find suitable
parents for morty Jr.
112
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:41,866
On this robot's home world,
which is...
113
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,868
Gazorpazorp
in the Andromeda system.
114
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,871
- Scoot, summer.
- Don't you need a new companion
115
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,873
now that morty's
in the family way?
116
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,125
I don't do adventures
with chicks, summer.
117
00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,186
Oh, right... because there's
something about having a wiener
118
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:55,629
that would make me better
at walking through a hole?
119
00:04:55,713 --> 00:04:58,757
- Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
- Oh, crap.
120
00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,718
Grandpa Rick! Ugh!
121
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,220
Help! Help! Aah! Aah!
122
00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:07,808
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
123
00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:09,536
- Grandpa Rick!
- Still think it's a good idea
124
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,061
to go through holes
without a wiener?
125
00:05:11,145 --> 00:05:13,564
- I want to go home.
- Yeah, no duh.
126
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:15,024
Ugh!
127
00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:16,275
[Gasdsi
128
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,737
Great. Now I have to take
over a whole planet
129
00:05:19,820 --> 00:05:22,114
because of your stupid boobs.
130
00:05:22,198 --> 00:05:24,950
- You're doing great, morty.
- Really? You think?
131
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,785
I mean, I'm not doing
much of anything.
132
00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:28,120
What do I do if it cries?
133
00:05:28,204 --> 00:05:30,331
Then you put it down
and let it cry itself out.
134
00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:32,917
Yeah, right. We tried
that technique on summer,
135
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,127
and she's gonna end up
stripping, isn't she?
136
00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:36,629
Yes, she is.
137
00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:38,631
She's gonna strip for attention
138
00:05:38,714 --> 00:05:40,633
because she was denied it.
139
00:05:40,716 --> 00:05:43,052
Stop filling it
with your own insecurity.
140
00:05:43,135 --> 00:05:45,221
You're gonna turn it
into morty...
141
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:47,431
Uh, mm... more...
More... more... more of you.
142
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,266
Well, we can't all be
raised like reptiles
143
00:05:49,350 --> 00:05:51,060
by a mentally ill scientist.
144
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,895
What the... aah! Aah!
145
00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:54,813
[Crying I
146
00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:57,233
listen to me. I am not
rewarding this behavior.
147
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:58,901
Knock it off, both of you!
148
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,736
G-Give me him! Give me my baby!
149
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,530
You're both nuts!
150
00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:05,074
I'm gonna raise morty Jr.
Myself!
151
00:06:05,157 --> 00:06:07,743
J” where's your hands?
There's your hands j“
152
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,371
j” and that's how we play
handy hands j”
153
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,705
I giggles I
154
00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:13,916
oh, you are going
to ruin that kid, morty.
155
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,834
At least we can agree on that.
156
00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:25,970
Thanks, dum-dum.
157
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,556
I said, "thanks, dum-dum."
Go get more.
158
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,182
Summer, put your burqa on!
159
00:06:30,266 --> 00:06:32,184
That burqa is
a human-rights violation,
160
00:06:32,268 --> 00:06:34,812
and I spent a lot on this top.
161
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,647
Look, I'm trying to
repair a p-portal gun
162
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:38,065
with a bunch of sex-doll parts,
163
00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,483
and I have to do it one-handed
164
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:41,569
to keep these belushis
from carting you off.
165
00:06:41,652 --> 00:06:43,737
The least you could do is be
ashamed of your gender.
166
00:06:43,821 --> 00:06:46,198
Ugh. What's the deal
with this place?
167
00:06:46,282 --> 00:06:47,992
Why is it such a sausage planet,
168
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,327
and how did such backward
idiots invent robots?
169
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:51,996
Obviously, at some point,
170
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,414
the gazorpians became so evolved
171
00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:55,958
that they replaced females
with birthing machines.
172
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:58,168
The resultant lack of
distraction and hen-pecking
173
00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:00,129
allowed them to focus entirely
on war,
174
00:07:00,212 --> 00:07:02,131
so they bombed themselves back
to the stone age,
175
00:07:02,214 --> 00:07:04,150
and now they just fight with
each other over fake pussy
176
00:07:04,174 --> 00:07:05,593
with sticks and rocks
all day long.
177
00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:07,761
You think it's efficient
to get rid of women?
178
00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:09,847
You ever see a line for
the men's room?
179
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,658
Are you hear—- do you li...
Do you hear me, summer?
180
00:07:11,682 --> 00:07:14,727
Droppin' loads.
181
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,896
All:
Droppin' loads! Droppin' loads.
182
00:07:17,980 --> 00:07:22,192
The plot thickens.
183
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:27,031
Uh, you might want to cover
your eyes, summer.
184
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:29,158
Yeah, like it was
my dream to watch.
185
00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:32,036
Yeah, baby!
186
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,747
Summer, grab —- grab hold.
187
00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,123
Yeah, baby!
188
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:37,583
Aaaah!
189
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,212
Grandpa Rick, where
are we going?
190
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,839
Well, obviously, summer,
191
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,924
it appears the lower
tier of this society
192
00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:48,208
is being manipulated through sex
and advanced technology
193
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,929
by a hidden ruling class.
Sound familiar?
194
00:07:51,013 --> 00:07:52,890
[Gasdsi ticketmaster.
195
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,975
Oh, there... there we
go, summer.
196
00:07:55,059 --> 00:07:56,727
Hey -— hey, brother. Hey, bro.
197
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:58,562
Nice racket you got
going on here.
198
00:07:58,646 --> 00:08:01,398
Listen, I'm Rick Sanchez from
earth dimension c-137.
199
00:08:01,482 --> 00:08:03,651
Don't mean you any harm.
Coming in peace.
200
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:06,528
It's all cool in the, uh —-
"good in the neighborhood“
201
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:08,864
is what I was trying to come —-
is what I meant.
202
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,410
Oh, I get it...
203
00:08:13,494 --> 00:08:15,954
The old behind-every—great—man
Amazon twist.
204
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,248
Silence!
205
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,671
- Your slave is ill-mannered.
- My slave?
206
00:08:23,754 --> 00:08:25,673
We assume you are
from a more primitive world,
207
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,883
where men are still
permitted to be servants.
208
00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:30,427
If he is a rogue male, tell us
now and we will kill him.
209
00:08:30,511 --> 00:08:32,096
He's my slave. He's my slave.
210
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,179
He's definitely my slave.
211
00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:36,183
Ugh! Ohh! Oh—ho-ho!
212
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,976
Oh, boy.
213
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,895
What's the opposite
of "wubba-lubba-dub-dubs“?
214
00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:41,814
Am I right,
ladies and gentlemen?
215
00:08:41,897 --> 00:08:44,233
Are you guys kidding me?
216
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:46,151
Morty: Oh, morty Jr.!
217
00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:48,237
You're gonna be a special
little guy, aren't you?
218
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:50,406
You -— oh, yeah.
You're my special little guy.
219
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,241
Ohh.
220
00:08:52,324 --> 00:08:54,118
Ohh! Ha ha!
221
00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:55,119
Da.
222
00:08:55,202 --> 00:08:56,704
What was that, morty Jr.?
223
00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:58,664
Were you gonna say, "dada"?
Say, "dada."
224
00:08:58,747 --> 00:08:59,747
Death!
225
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,125
"Dada."
226
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,584
Domination!
227
00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:04,670
Um... "Dada"?
228
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,672
Destruction. Domination.
229
00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:09,133
Nice.
230
00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:17,558
Woman on pa:
The spider in sector ”c” is still alive.
231
00:09:17,641 --> 00:09:19,560
Plan your route accordingly
and expect delays.
232
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,562
We 're not telling you
what to do.
233
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,564
We 're just sharing how we feel.
234
00:09:23,647 --> 00:09:25,566
And now weather...
Is anyone else said,
235
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,651
or is it just me .7
236
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:31,739
I am mar—sha,
ruler of gazorpazorp.
237
00:09:31,822 --> 00:09:33,615
I am here if you need to talk.
238
00:09:33,699 --> 00:09:35,993
- What is this place?
- Paradise.
239
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:38,746
We built it during the great
passive-aggression,
240
00:09:38,829 --> 00:09:40,873
when the females separated
from the males
241
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,625
due to their increasingly
destructive behavior.
242
00:09:43,709 --> 00:09:45,127
I am here if you need to talk.
243
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,087
I am here if you need to talk.
244
00:09:47,171 --> 00:09:49,673
From here, we dispense
mechanical surrogates
245
00:09:49,757 --> 00:09:51,175
to maintain our population.
246
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,636
Fertilized surrogates are
returned here to our nursery.
247
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:57,639
The females are placed
into educational programs
248
00:09:57,723 --> 00:10:00,142
where they can discover
a service to our paradise
249
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,060
that fulfills them most.
250
00:10:02,144 --> 00:10:04,396
Males...
251
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,066
They get to play outside.
252
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,068
That was just a baby.
253
00:10:10,152 --> 00:10:12,130
And within a day, he'll be
an adult male gazorpian...
254
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:13,989
One of the most aggressively
violent creatures
255
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:15,324
in the universe.
256
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:17,385
Wait a minute —- we're here
because a male gazorpian
257
00:10:17,409 --> 00:10:19,787
was born on our planet.
258
00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:25,375
You speak when you're
spoken to, ding-a-ling!
259
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,920
It's true, though —- one of your
babies was born on earth.
260
00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,255
Are you the ruler of this earth?
261
00:10:30,339 --> 00:10:32,341
- How did you know?
- The quality of your top.
262
00:10:32,424 --> 00:10:34,259
- Do you love it?
- I love it.
263
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:35,677
I'm here if you need to talk.
264
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,095
I'm here if you need to talk.
265
00:10:37,179 --> 00:10:38,430
I'm here if you need to talk.
266
00:10:38,514 --> 00:10:41,183
If the gazorpian is male,
your earth is in grave danger.
267
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:43,018
We will give you passage
back home
268
00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,436
so it can be terminated.
269
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,104
But first, mojitos.
270
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:47,940
We don't have time for mojitos.
271
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:50,317
- You are insulting them.
- I don't care, summer!
272
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,319
This place is the worst!
I want to go home!
273
00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,321
Well, it really
doesn't matter what you want,
274
00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,532
because this is a sane place
where women rule.
275
00:10:56,615 --> 00:10:58,534
Yeah. You know what
I have to say about that?
276
00:11:01,495 --> 00:11:03,622
Woman: I cannot believe my ears!
277
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,963
Whoo, boy!
Who let the frogs out, huh?
278
00:11:11,046 --> 00:11:13,048
Grandpa!
279
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,259
- Grandpa?
- That sounds patriarchal!
280
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,927
It means “father of father."
281
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,263
Then this one is not your slave,
282
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,765
and your earth is yet
another planet dominated by men.
283
00:11:21,849 --> 00:11:23,976
It's not dominated by us, okay?
284
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,853
On earth, men and women
are equals.
285
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:29,356
Equals?! We make 70% of your
salary for the same job!
286
00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,191
- Seize them!
- Whoa!
287
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,362
Was this really the time
to make that point, summer?
288
00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:38,824
This is for you, daddy.
289
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:40,117
Oh, man!
290
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,286
Um, okay.
Listen to me, morty Jr.
291
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,955
I've got to tell you something
very important, okay?
292
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,999
Killing is bad... bad!
293
00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:49,001
I giggles 1 you're silly, daddy.
294
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,253
No, morty Jr.
I'm being serious, okay?
295
00:11:51,336 --> 00:11:53,147
You need to put your energy
into something else.
296
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,840
I mean, what about dancing?
297
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,359
Would you like to learn
how to dance?
298
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,177
I'd like to dance...
On the graves of my enemies.
299
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,722
Ohh! No, morty Jr.!
300
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,225
Daddy, can I go outside?
301
00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:06,768
No! Absolutely not!
302
00:12:06,852 --> 00:12:08,896
But that's where all
the people and the animals are.
303
00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:11,148
Yeah, but you can't
go out there because the -...
304
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,150
The air is poisonous for you!
305
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,586
You will die...
You'll die instantly
306
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,445
if you ever leave this house!
307
00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:17,779
- You hear me?
- For real?
308
00:12:17,863 --> 00:12:19,573
For real times a million, buddy.
309
00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:21,033
So, let's just stay inside,
310
00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,035
and, you know, let's try
dancing, right?
311
00:12:23,118 --> 00:12:25,037
Look at me. Yay! Look.
We're gonna dance.
312
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,914
Come on. Join -—
Dance with me here.
313
00:12:26,997 --> 00:12:28,766
- We love to dance.
- Why do we love to dance?
314
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,209
'Cause I said so!
315
00:12:31,293 --> 00:12:34,046
Both: Nice.
316
00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:40,510
So, what are you in for?
317
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:42,638
Because I got —- I got a big,
318
00:12:42,721 --> 00:12:44,514
you know, penis between my legs.
319
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,350
What —- what —-
what are you in for?
320
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,727
The worst crime
a female can commit.
321
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,354
Woman: Veronica Ann Bennett,
322
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,565
I find you guilty of having
bad bangs.
323
00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:55,525
You ever notice the ones
with bad bangs
324
00:12:55,609 --> 00:12:57,235
always have three names?
325
00:12:57,319 --> 00:13:00,572
You are hereby sentenced
to the silent treatment!
326
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:03,951
Pfft! This is gonna be cake.
327
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:05,118
No! Jackie!
328
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,787
Rick and summer of earth,
329
00:13:06,870 --> 00:13:08,956
for the crimes of treason
against womankind
330
00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:12,376
and for creating the sound
of which we do not speak
331
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,962
because it does not exist,
you are hereby sentenced to...
332
00:13:15,045 --> 00:13:17,047
What, what, what...
A night on the couch?
333
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,840
- Death.
- Ooh, gerp.
334
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:20,717
I hate you so much right now.
335
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:22,719
This will be the first instance
336
00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:24,721
of capital punishment
in our society
337
00:13:24,805 --> 00:13:27,391
in 500 years due
to our awesomeness,
338
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:29,434
so we are forced to improvise.
339
00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:32,479
We placed a large Boulder
on that ledge.
340
00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:35,107
Holy shit! Y—y-you're gonna
crush us with a Boulder?!
341
00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:37,109
No! Stop interrupting!
342
00:13:37,192 --> 00:13:38,902
The Boulder falls onto a lever
343
00:13:38,986 --> 00:13:40,904
that will launch... knives.
344
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,072
What?
345
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,907
Just give me a gun.
I'll kill myself.
346
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,575
Stop interrupting!
347
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:47,494
The knives will...
348
00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,871
Fine! You were right
the first time, okay?
349
00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:51,498
The Boulder crushes you.
350
00:13:51,581 --> 00:13:53,541
I just didn't want to admit
you were right. Happy?
351
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,502
No, just ignore them.
Ignore them.
352
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,170
Such an asshole.
353
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:59,006
Rick: Look, I'm sorry, summer.
354
00:13:59,089 --> 00:14:00,809
I feel bad that I let you
drag us into this.
355
00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,735
I wish I could have been
a better grandpa to you,
356
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,344
and, you know,
for what it's worth,
357
00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:06,406
that is a really nice, cute top
that you're wearing there.
358
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,181
Top. My top!
359
00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:11,184
My top —- the same top you
complimented earlier!
360
00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:14,521
Look —- look at the tag.
Read it.
361
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:17,315
It says, "Marc Jacobs."
362
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:20,444
Marc? Jacob?
These are names of the penis.
363
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,572
Yes. An earth man made this top.
364
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,365
Maybe on your planet,
365
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:27,993
separation of the genders is
the right thing to do,
366
00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,995
but on earth, a certain
percentage of our males
367
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,580
are born gay,
368
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:35,125
which is why my clothes are
better than all of yours.
369
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,728
[Gasdsi
a man made something fashionable?
370
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:39,671
It's true, and sometimes
the truth hurts,
371
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,381
but it must be accepted.
372
00:14:41,465 --> 00:14:43,383
Like if I told you that
you're using
373
00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,218
the wrong
color foundation for your skin
374
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:47,054
and it ends at your neck,
375
00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,805
making you look like
a party clown.
376
00:14:48,889 --> 00:14:51,099
Okay, ouch. Noted.
But the fact remains...
377
00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:53,977
If you impose
gazorpazorp's laws on earth,
378
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,604
you're no better than the men
379
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,939
whose farts shall remain
unspoken.
380
00:14:58,023 --> 00:14:59,941
And if you think my top is cute,
381
00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:01,943
you cannot execute.
382
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,906
Very well. Give the earth
people a spacecraft
383
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,908
so they may head back
to their weird planet,
384
00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:11,036
where women are kind of equal
but not really.
385
00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:13,038
Good job, summer,
and thanks, girls.
386
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,807
You know, you girls are really
something,
387
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,333
I'll tell you that.
388
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,061
You know when we first
go there, I was like —-
389
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:19,628
give them a ship now.
390
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:23,006
Morty Jr.! Smoking?!
391
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,508
That is not okay!
392
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,860
What are you gonna do -—
Ground me?
393
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,094
I can't go outside anyway!
394
00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:29,846
So what?!
You could do things inside!
395
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,099
You could play guitar.
You could masturbate.
396
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:34,643
I don't want to masturbate.
I want to conquer the planet!
397
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:37,312
Oh, here we go again!
You know, who do you think...
398
00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,457
Is gonna love you if you conquer
the planet, morty Jr.?!
399
00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:41,066
Love —- that's all you
care about!
400
00:15:41,149 --> 00:15:42,526
What about weapons?!
401
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,402
What about domination
of the enemy?!
402
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,366
All right, that's it —-
no more history channel!
403
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,698
This TV is for cartoons
and video games only!
404
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,743
I hate video games!
You take that back!
405
00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:53,453
Give it to me!
406
00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:55,455
Ugh!
407
00:15:55,539 --> 00:15:57,457
I-I—I didn't mean -—
I didn't mean that.
408
00:15:57,541 --> 00:15:59,126
I didn't mean to do that.
I'm sorry.
409
00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:01,628
I can't take this anymore!
I'd rather breathe poison...
410
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:03,630
Than live another minute
with you!
411
00:16:03,713 --> 00:16:05,966
No! No, no, no! Stop!
412
00:16:11,096 --> 00:16:12,472
My life has been a lie!
413
00:16:12,556 --> 00:16:14,558
God is dead!
The government's lame!
414
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,560
Thanksgiving is about
killing Indians!
415
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,395
Jesus wasn't born on Christmas!
416
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,081
They moved the date!
It was a pagan holiday!
417
00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,023
- Oh, dad!
- Yes, morty?
418
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:24,025
My son is gonna take
over the planet,
419
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:25,569
and I am too young to drive!
420
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:26,852
Can you help me get him back?!
421
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,824
I suppose, morty. Isuppose.
422
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:34,828
But first, a deep sip
from a very tall glass
423
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,998
of "I told you so."
424
00:16:41,251 --> 00:16:43,587
Oh, my god!
Please, dad! Come on!
425
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:52,762
J” runnin' wild, runnin' hot,
426
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:54,848
burnin' inside j”
427
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:58,059
j” with the youth in the blood
and the age and the heat
428
00:16:58,143 --> 00:17:01,188
and the fire in your pants,
open wide j”
429
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,815
j” you're gonna run from
the damn cold,
430
00:17:03,899 --> 00:17:07,444
but you can't run from
your youth j”
431
00:17:28,882 --> 00:17:31,885
Dad, there he is!
432
00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,679
Oh, god. Hey, stop that!
433
00:17:36,139 --> 00:17:37,682
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Dad!
434
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:41,895
Morty Jr., no!
It's me! It's dad.
435
00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:44,064
It's okay!
436
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:46,024
Put the car down, morty Jr.
437
00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:48,109
No! No!
J” wh-where's your hands? J”
438
00:17:48,193 --> 00:17:51,696
j” where's your hands? J”
439
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,114
my car!
440
00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:57,118
J” and that's how we play
handy hands j”
441
00:17:57,202 --> 00:17:58,787
out of the... out of
the way, morty!
442
00:17:58,870 --> 00:17:59,871
- No!
- Morty!
443
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,665
That's one of the most
violently aggressive
444
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:02,767
creatures in the universe!
445
00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:04,459
- Ow!
- He's my son!
446
00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:08,338
And if you hurt him, you'll
have to kill me, Rick!
447
00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:15,595
Dad, I'm so confused!
448
00:18:15,679 --> 00:18:18,306
I know, morty Jr. I'm sorry.
449
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,100
I ended up lying to you
and yelling at you
450
00:18:20,183 --> 00:18:22,143
just like my parents did to me.
451
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:24,562
You know, parents are just
kids having kids.
452
00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:27,232
One minute, you like
how a shiny robot looks.
453
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,401
The next minute,
you're in a fist fight
454
00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,319
with your alien son.
455
00:18:31,403 --> 00:18:32,821
I'm an alien?
456
00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,823
We all have bad
impulses, bad thoughts.
457
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,616
We just have to learn
to channel them
458
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,326
into something constructive.
459
00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:40,912
But I want to murder
everyone I see.
460
00:18:40,996 --> 00:18:42,807
Well, you know, I mean,
maybe there's a job out there
461
00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,416
for people that feel that way.
462
00:18:44,499 --> 00:18:45,917
Man: Actually, there is.
463
00:18:46,001 --> 00:18:47,877
Hi. I'm Brad Anderson,
creator of
464
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:50,088
the nationally syndicated
comic strip "marmaduke."
465
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,090
You should consider being
a creative.
466
00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,800
I'm haunted by uncontrollable
thoughts
467
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:55,552
of mutilation and sexual assault
468
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,387
on a near daily basis.
469
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,973
But, you know, I channel it
all into my work.
470
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,683
- Oh. Wow.
- Huh.
471
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:03,828
I never got that impression
from reading "marmaduke."
472
00:19:03,852 --> 00:19:05,312
Well, did you get the impression
473
00:19:05,395 --> 00:19:07,522
I was trying to make youlaugh?
474
00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:10,900
Tell me that wasn't
Brad Anderson.
475
00:19:10,984 --> 00:19:13,111
Aw, see?
You hear that, morty Jr.?
476
00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:15,322
Maybe you could try being
a creative of some kind.
477
00:19:15,405 --> 00:19:17,365
Maybe!
I always have sort of wanted
478
00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:19,659
to see my face
on the back of a novel.
479
00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:22,662
I mean, what I really want to do
is slit people's throats,
480
00:19:22,746 --> 00:19:23,830
but beyond that...
481
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:26,124
I know you can do it, son.
482
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:28,543
I think it's time I get
a place of my own.
483
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:31,379
I promise I'll call you
every day I need money
484
00:19:31,463 --> 00:19:33,590
or a place to do laundry.
485
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,635
Aaaaaaah!
486
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:43,350
So, I assume this novel
your son writes
487
00:19:43,433 --> 00:19:46,811
is gonna pay for my rear axle?
488
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:48,521
Isn't it interesting, summer,
489
00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,523
that after all that stuff
we just did,
490
00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,668
nothing really mattered
and there was no point to it?
491
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,652
Kind of makes you wonder,
huh... about nothing?
492
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:57,072
Are you sure it doesn't
make you re—evaluate
493
00:19:57,155 --> 00:19:59,324
your policy about taking
girls on adventures?
494
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,451
No. I'd say, given
what we've been through,
495
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:02,952
that I was right the whole time
496
00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:04,954
and any epiphanies
about gender politics were
497
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,831
a projection of your feminine
insecurity.
498
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:09,376
But, hey, why don't you have
a pink spaceship?
499
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:11,461
Go ride around and have
a jolly old time.
500
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,671
- Maybe that'll shut you up.
- Dad? Summer?
501
00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,298
Where were you guys
this whole time?
502
00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,883
On gazorpazorp. Where were you?
503
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,510
I was reading a newspaper.
504
00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:20,970
Oh, that's interesting, Beth.
You know, it's funny.
505
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,348
I-I—I heard about a little bit
of news myself.
506
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:25,475
Take a look. T-Take a listen.
507
00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,730
Wubba-iubba—dub—dubs!
508
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:32,482
This this world
509
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,651
Still got a...
It's still got a chance!
510
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,319
Yeah! Ha ha!
511
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,946
See you —- see you guys
next week!
512
00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:39,489
See everybody next week.
513
00:21:09,644 --> 00:21:10,812
Mortimer Smith, Jr.,
514
00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,439
New York times
bestselling author,
515
00:21:12,522 --> 00:21:14,500
your book is about innocence,
the definition of it,
516
00:21:14,524 --> 00:21:16,443
and, inevitably,
its impossibility.
517
00:21:16,526 --> 00:21:18,278
Is it autobiographical?
518
00:21:18,361 --> 00:21:19,529
Certainly.
519
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:22,449
I mean, all writing is,
in my opinion.
520
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:25,410
But my, uh —-
521
00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:28,163
My father kept me locked
in the house
522
00:21:28,246 --> 00:21:30,665
until I was a teenager.
523
00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,459
And there was violence
524
00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:35,587
and, uh,
threats of poison gas -...
525
00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,338
But also dancing.
526
00:21:37,422 --> 00:21:39,466
But you persevered
and created this masterpiece
527
00:21:39,549 --> 00:21:40,842
from your suffering.
528
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,511
Smith Jr.'s mind-bending novel,
"my horrible father,"
529
00:21:43,595 --> 00:21:45,472
in every store
and on everyone's mind.
530
00:21:45,555 --> 00:21:47,265
Pick it up. We'll be right back.
531
00:21:47,348 --> 00:21:48,850
It's a thankless job, morty.
532
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,018
You did the best you could.
533
00:21:50,101 --> 00:21:52,520
I hope he's eating enough.
534
00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,482
Did you get any of that?
535
00:21:55,565 --> 00:21:57,567
It's a good-a show!
37771
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