Original subtitles

Maths is just wonderful, isn't it, children?

VOICEOVER: To live in a place like Crongton,

you've got to lie to yourself a bit.

We all do - the Gs, the hoodrats, the yutes,

even the pickneys. MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

We find ways to distract ourselves and ignore all the bad stuff -

whatever we need to do to survive.

But sometimes distractions don't work.

Sometimes the only way you can survive is to run away,

as fast as you can.

Cos the only thing that comes from facing your problems

is more problems.

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

GRUFF VOICE: Don't make me ask twice!

Where's the gun, Liccle Bit?

So you face your front and you run like your life depends on it...

Where's the gun?

...cos it probably does.

HE SCREAMS

CACKLING

I don't like you any more.

Why? Sergio! Grow up!

Look, you just need to compromise.

I am not the problem, OK?

Sorry, Auntie. You better be!

Move yourself. Liccle idiot boy!

Shucks! Manjaro's going to have me deleted!

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

? Crongton! ?

What happened?

So, first of all, thank you all for coming.

I know it was really last minute, and we all have very busy lives.

Sorry, I'm being weird.

OK. Basically, I broke things off between Sergio and I

and he wasn't happy with that, he started to shout at me,

and he was saying some things that I know I definitely didn't deserve...

SPEECH FADES, ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

Are you listening to me?

Yeah, you broke up with Sergio.

Of course that's all you heard. Shut up, you goat breath!

Will you lot shut it?! Keep going, V.

He wanted us to be official and I said no.

He didn't like the sound of that, and now he's threatening to send

a picture that I sent to him to everyone.

But then why did you send the picture?

Excuse me, are you actually blaming her for this?

No, I didn't mean it like that! I meant, er...

I think what he means is everyone sends pictures to everyone,

so what's different about this one? Mm-hm, yeah.

That picture was meant for just him, not everyone, and he knows that.

Maybe he was just joking.

Yeah, maybe he's chatting doo-doo.

You don't need to worry. No, I do need to worry!

How would you like it if someone was threatening to send

a picture of your dead trim to everyone in the school?

Well, he always has a dead trim, so...

And you, Rapid, how would you like if I was going to share

the video of you bawling your eyes out to Moana?

It's an emotional film! I refuse to feel any shame.

That's not the point - you don't want your video shared,

and I don't want my picture shared.

I should've never trusted him. I'm so stupid.

No, he's stupid!

Look, we got you. We're going to get that picture back.

Right, guys? Yeah. But just to make things clear -

you broke up with Sergio?

MCKAY: Wow!

This must be how the Fresh Prince felt.

I beg you, help me get this hair out my face.

I thought you said I shouldn't touch your hair.

As a general rule, yes.

Now I'm giving you consent, innit?

Help me!

Why don't you just take it off? The coast is clear now.

I told you, it's to keep my head warm.

Wow! Such opulence.

Op-u-what?

All this money and such a limited vocabulary?

That means you got mo-ney!

So are we playing Mythic Supreme or what?

Yeah, this way.

OK, Juniper, what's the plan?

I have blueprints on this castle for...

Anyway, I propose we sneak in through here and, pow!

We attack. Now, that's an idea!

I really don't think that's a good idea.

Notre Dame is bare far, not Fireclaw Heath far but far,

and Sergio's not just some little yute, he's got facial hair.

More like stubble. Whatever. I'm not trying to get deleted.

We CAN just talk to him!

What? Blood of Jesus!

If we throw peas against a brick wall, will it go through?

No... Talking to Sergio is useless.

It's like the pea, it won't get through him,

so that's why we need to go and fight, and take what's ours!

Viva la revolution!

FANFARE AND CHEERING

OK. So is everyone in?

Obviously I'm in. Yeah, me too. PHONE VIBRATES

Lemar?

Yeah, sorry, I'm definitely in!

Rapid, you in?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm in.

OK, so we'll need someone to go and distract Sergio

while the rest of us sneak in.

I volunteer myself as tribute!

OK. Is McKay coming?

The more manpower, the better.

That's a good question. Where is he?

Oh, yeah?

Oh, my gosh! No!

What's going on?

Where are you?

I don't know! Where are you?

Oh, my gosh!

Whoa!

Resurrection feels good!

You weren't lying when you said how hard that game was.

I told you, I've had it for weeks

and still can't get past level two.

I'm getting the new Ghost Of Lobster Bay game,

so maybe we can play that next time?

I didn't even know it was out yet.

I've got connections.

You're really living the life here, man.

Rapid and Liccle would love this.

Oh, I doubt they'd want to come.

I mean, Rapid freaks out any time he has to leave South Crong,

and Liccle would try and act stoosh, but they'd be gassed, trust me!

I think it's more fun with just the two of us.

You got an issue with my boys?

What? No, I just ...

I don't really fit in with you guys.

You're all so cool and funny and I'm just...

...not.

Listen, Rapid and Liccle are not cool or funny.

That's all me.

But none of that matters.

We're friends cos those two oafs have always been there for me.

I've never really had that before.

Didn't you have friends at your old school?

Are you one of those kids that are best friends with their parents?

Um, they're not really...

...around.

Oh, I didn't know.

I'm sorry for... Wait, they're not dead.

You really had me doing up condolences for nothing.

Sorry, I just meant they're rarely here.

They're always working.

So that's why you're always looking so raggedy. Huh?

Nothing!

HIS STOMACH GURGLES

Ooh!

Sorry, my stomach lacks manners.

You got food in this mansion of yours? Yeah, follow me.

This place is massive!

I can't believe you've been living in this mansion

and haven't told any of us. MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

It's not a big deal. The fridge is there.

VIBRATION CONTINUES

Oh, my...

What?!

Oh, my gosh! VIBRATION CONTINUES

That group chat has been popping off!

Yeah, there's no signal down there.

Everything OK? SOS?! I need to meet the gang - it's an emergency.

My driver can take you.

What a life you lead! Erm...

...do you want to come too?

Oh, er, that's probably not a good idea.

I told you, to be friends with people

you just need to be there for them.

Yeah. Yeah, OK, I'll come.

My bro! All right, let's go.

Actually...

...let me make a sandwich first.

What?!

But... Where's the cheese?

I thought you said it was an emergency.

Yeah, so hurry up and show me where the cheese is, innit!

SINISTER MUSIC, DISTORTED LAUGHTER

Are you OK? You look like you've just seen a Jumbie.

Yeah, I'm calm.

Just putting on my focus face.

Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...

Bro, I think I might ask Venetia out to the dance. Are you mad?

You have to wait at least one hour after a break-up to ask a girl out.

Yeah? Says who?

The Mandem Handbook, chapter three subsection 2B, I think.

Or was it 3B?

We've crossed the border!

Juniper!

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

I think we should all turn off our phones.

What? Why?

So we don't get tracked, of course.

Exactly what she said.

What if my parents are wondering where I am?

Just tell them you're studying.

But that's a lie.

A lie is just the truth backwards.

PHONES BEEP AND VIBRATE

SHE EXHALES HEAVILY

Ahoy there! Argh! Hey!

OK, you need to start wearing a bell or something!

For real! Is the coast clear?

I've assessed the area and can confirm the coast is not clear.

I thought you said he'd be alone. It's a full house.

But his brothers are never home.

Well, we tried.

We can't just give up.

We can if it's God's plan.

We're not going anywhere!

That's the spirit.

So we all know what the plan is, right?

Yeah. I sneak in, pin some weird device onto the door

to stop it from closing.

You lot sneak in, grab the phone and, boom, Bob's your uncle.

Actually my uncle's name is Jacek, and he's a very, very bad man.

I think he's...

Never mind. So how's Liccle Bit meant to get into the house?

No problem. How do we feel about grapple hooks?

No, thank you. No way. Not tryna go to hospital. No grapple hooks.

No. Nuh-uh. Fine.

Plan B, then. VENETIA AND SAIRA: What?

BOTH: Jinx!

DEEP VOICE: Gas Inspector, open up!

Sor... Sorry! Down here!

Why you knocking on the door like feds?

Sorry.

Sorry! Just here to check your gas meter.

I'm... ugh!

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

Um, hi! I'm here to check your gas meter.

We didn't get no notice of a gas inspection.

Um, just here on a...

...monthly check.

To make sure there's no explosions and dat. Mm...

You look a bit young to be a gas inspector.

Maybe he's like Hasbulla.

Yeah, I'm exactly like him.

A little older, though.

May I come in, then?

Who sent you! Um, I can't grow facial hair so I wear a fake one.

I'm just going to go pick that up if that's OK with you.

Grab him.

Argh! Help me! Get in there!

No, no, no! Guys, guys, guys! Mario and Julio caught Lemar!

The grapple hooks! I told you about the grapple hooks!

Enough with the grapple hooks!

Wait - where's Rapid?

Looks like we have a runner.

TYRES SQUEAL

CAR HORN HONKS

Cheese and peas, you nearly made me drop my sandwich!

Whose car's this?

Hey, Rapid! Where is everyone? Wait...

Are you doing a runner? Again? I panicked, OK?!

Liccle Bit got taken and I thought they were going to come for us.

So you just ditch him?

I swear the Bible says something about being your brother's keeper.

Yeah, well, technically Liccle Bit ain't my brother.

You oaf! Don't be obtuse.

You calling me fat?

Just move out the way, man, we're going to go help our friends.

Wait! Rapid! You should come with us.

Leave him, man, we don't need this coward.

What are you so scared of?

I'm not scared.

I just...

I don't like scary situations, it makes me feel anxious

and like I need to get away.

Just go, then - run away like you always do.

I get scared too.

We all do. Speak for yourself.

But I think being alone is even scarier, don't you?

I'm not going to ask you again.

Who sent you? No-one!

I'm pretty sure he's one of my girlfriend's little fanboys.

Are you stalking her now or something?

She's not your girl, you went out with her like two times.

You're deluded, my guy.

Shut up! Just shut up! Yeah, shut up, bro!

Come on, let's be reasonable.

Just delete the picture and we won't have a problem.

THEY LAUGH

You come to my house, on the day of the football finals and threaten me?

Is your hard-drive scrambled?

My hard-drive is in a solid state, it can't be scrambled!

What does that mean? Oh, he's mocking it.

Rahh! So you got jokes?

You won't get away with this.

My friends won't let you!

ALL JEER

You sure about that?

Cos right now you're looking pretty outnumbered.

QUIETLY: Don't touch it!

Do you smell that? VENETIA SNIFFS

Urgh!

Whoa! Whoa! Stand down, stand down. It's just us.

Are you trying to die? Never sneak up on a soldier.

I brought backup.

More like we brought you! We're here to help.

Hi, friends! Hi. So, what's the plan?

Is that olive oil? Yep.

They can't catch me and hold me down if I'm slippery.

OK, let's go.

Trei, doi, unu!

What's going on?

They've breached the perimeter.

Chemical warfare! Cover your eyes.

Let me out!

Take him! Get down!

Get off me! Stay still!

Get off! Who even are you?

Mario, help! Help me!

Protect the Queen!

He's coming, he's coming.

Ugh, what?!

Holy water, holy water, holy water!

RAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Finished?

Go get Lemar, go get Lemar!

Ah, let me out, man!

Hurry up, hurry up!

Where's the phone? Where's the phone?!

It's in my pocket.

Please, please, please, come on!

Nu te misca!

Go, go, quick!

Venetia!

Thanks.

I knew you guys would come for me!

DEEP VOICE: Venetia, hey...

Why you putting on a deep voice?

Hey nothing! I can't believe you let it come to this.

Shnooky, it doesn't have to be like this.

Shnooky?!

RAPID: I can't believe I was scared of this moist flannel.

I can't believe I trusted you with this!

Guys, this is the photo.

What? That's it? Should've brought grapple hooks.

And if you ever threaten me again,

I'll play that song that makes you cry whenever you hear it.

Not Safety Dance by Men Without Coats?!

Yeah.

Come on, gang, let's go.

SERGIO GROANS

Ow! How dare you?!

Ugh!

RAPID: That was crazy! Did you see Saira?

Did some back flip and then she went...

Oh, yeah! That's what I was saying!

It was actually scary, cos it was like bam, bam, bam!

It was crazy... Pow, pow, pow!

Saira knocked them out ninja style, then I had them on the ropes

with my slippery wrecking ball self.

They fled the scene quickly!

Boy From The Hills was a proper bad boy still. My guy!

Thank you. Seriously, guys, like, thanks for helping me.

I feel like I can breathe again.

Not to bring up the elephant in the room,

but care to explain why you had us doing up Avengers for a selfie?

Because I didn't want anyone to see me like that.

I mean, you looked beautiful.

I mean... I mean, you always look good. I mean...

I bet you've never taken a bad picture.

Even if I looked peng in the picture,

it wouldn't have made it right for him to threaten me.

Yeah, he proper violated.

Proper! It's so hard to be a girl sometimes. BOTH: Preach!

Always having to look the right way or act the right way.

It's all long, and nothing's in our control.

But this, this is my picture to share, not his!

Why don't you post it? Really?

EVERYONE: Yeah!

OK, yeah.

Posted it. Yes! Cool! Yes, Venetia!

Shucks! I forgot to put my phone back on.

PHONE PINGS Oh!

My parents must be freaking.

What does prostate mean?

Six missed calls from my mum! She's writing in Arabic, bad sign.

Bro, Rapid, they've written this Bible chapter for you!

They can't, can they? Legally?

Thank you! So sweet.

I think I'm going viral!

I guess maybe I'm an icon.

Oh, wait, can I get your autograph?!

Actually, yes, it could be worth money!

PHONE VIBRATES CONSTANTLY

MANJARO: WHERE'S THE GUN, LICCLE BIT?!

Why's Manjaro messaging you?

I thought you said you were done working for him. You promised!

You were working for Manjaro?!

It's fine. It's not that deep.

So you were not working for him?

No! I'm just helping him out.

Bro, can you hear yourself right now?

Manjaro's no joke.

How can you work for him, after all the damage he's done,

and the people he's hurt?

I trusted you.

How could you, man?

We trusted you. Manjaro?

Does he not remember what happened to Collette?

OVERLAPPING VOICES: Manjaro? I thought you were done with all that.

So dangerous! So much trouble.

I trusted you by telling you that story.

Why Manjaro?

Why Manjaro? What are you doing?

HORN HONKS

Here's the car.

I'll take you all home.

What you doing? I told you it's not that deep,

but if you don't want to believe me, then bun you!

Cool.

VOICEOVER: Asking for help can be proper hard...

...especially when your problems feel too big and too scary.

But more time than not, your people want to be there for you,

you just got to open up and let 'em...

Bye! Bye, Boy From The Hills.

...because there's only so much we can deal with alone.

And, yeah, running away is always an option too.

But the truth is whatever you're running from will always find you.

Get in.

GRUFF, SINISTER LAUGHTER

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