Original subtitles

I always insist on wearing my hat from my cracker, don't I?

I hate wearing my hat from my Christmas cracker.

It really annoys me.

Yeah, but I make you wear it. You don't.

But I want you to wear it this year.

Please. I'm not wearing it.

It just annoys me. It gets me hot, flustered

and, as I'm eating, I can hear a rustle in my ears.

A rustle? Yeah, I can. I can hear it.

We don't have a Russell in our family.

The paper on the hat. Oh, dear.

Well, what if I made like a woollen Christmas hat

that doesn't rustle, would you wear that?

No, thank you. Would you not?

Mmm.

There are...there are things about Christmas

about midnight mass on Christmas Eve

that I find unbearably emotional.

There are...

There are Christmas carols or...

things that one hears traditionally at Christmas.

And...

I...I tend not to...

I tend not to hear these any more.

I try to avoid hearing them because I find them...

..painful.

I'm too easily touched.

That...12...bit.

12 birds a-calling.

How does the first line go?

# The first day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# La da da dee

# And a partridge in a pear tree #

No, I can't remember that song.

# On the 12th day of Christmas... #

Oh, no. On the first... That's a good start, isn't it?

Straight into the end. No, it does start with the 12.

Count down, innit?

# The first day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# A partridge in a pear tree #

A partridge in a pear tree.

What do you think that's symbolic of?

I don't know, do I?

Well, what...what...erm...

A partridge...

It's in a pear tree.

I've no idea. I mean, look at the state of it, five gold rings.

No. Just a minute. Ladies dancing, lords leaping.

No... A partridge in a pear tree? I've no idea.

You're leaping ahead. I don't know.

A partridge in a pear tree makes me think about good target practice

as you're trying to knock the partridge out of the pear tree.

Why would somebody want a partridge in a pear tree?

That's where partridges live, isn't it?

In a pear tree? How many partridges...

Do you know where partridges live? No.

Shut up, then. Take the man's word for it.

Whatever.

# On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a part... #

Oh, God!

Christmas?

It's good, cos it's a long holiday.

I don't have to worry about things.

For a few days. Or rather I can worry about something different.

Like meeting my family...

Er... Well, in my family...erm...

..the habits are probably much the same as most families at Christmas.

They involve...erm... the large belly habit,

followed by the...large tumbler of alcoholic beverage habit,

followed by the...huge argument habit,

followed by the early bed habit.

And the indigestion habit.

And then the...

"Oh, God, we've got to be here for another four days" habit.

And "Why did you buy me all this crap?" habit.

# On the second day of Christmas

# My true love gave to me

# Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree # # Tree-ee #

Doves... I don't know what that has to do with it.

There's supposed to be two doves and you take one and that.

It's supposed to bring you good luck when the two doves come together.

You've seen stories on the telly about it.

Yeah, it's supposed to be true. A dove is supposed to be good luck.

That's what they reckon. Yeah...

# On the second day of Christmas

# My true love gave to me... #

A... Sorry. I had to cut it.

Two turtle doves.

Some type of odd genetic experiment. Gone wrong.

I don't know. A dove and a turtle

mixed together in some laboratory.

I don't know...

Two doves makes me think of target practice as well!

I hadn't realised that I was so psychopathic, really.

Two doves conjures an image of peace. Of Christmas.

Two white doves sitting in a tree, that's lovely, isn't it?

# On the third day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Three...

# French hens, # Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree #

Three French hens.

Well, they're just hens that are French, aren't they, really?

But I don't see the relevance.

That wouldn't be so good, three elephants, would it?

I said relevance not elephants.

Oh, right.

What do you think French hens are?

Do you have any idea at all?

Whatever.

Three French hens.

Are they in the tree?

# ..patrie, le jour de gloire est arrive

# Contre nous de la tyrannie

# L'etandard sanglant est leve #

Yes.

Well, they've flown from France, a long way.

They're not the three wise men.

No.

Or they might be. I don't know.

Sorry? You know, it's sort of...

It's difficult to know, isn't it? Oh.

How did the three wise men know

that the North Star was going to lead them to summat special?

Well, the North Star it's there, innit?

It's there. It's there.

But go find it.

Go follow it. Find it. Where's it going to take you?

The three kings brought gifts to the baby Jesus.

Yeah, frankincense, gold and myrrh. Yeah.

Not PlayStation, iPod and...

I don't know, I can't think of a third one.

What are the three kings?

Um...

Um... I don't know.

# On the fourth day of Christmas

# My true love gave to me

# Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree

# With lots of roast potatoes #

Now, if you opened the door and there was four birds calling...

..you'd say, "Who sent you?"

Yeah, I mean...

I ain't got a clue really what that's all about, that song.

And they'd say, "Well, your true love sent us round.

We're just calling

to see if you're OK.

If everything's all right at Christmas.

Do you need anything?"

We never took the time out to look at it.

That's the trouble with life, isn't it?

There's so much to do and there's so much to know.

"Do you want anything?"

So...

That's what that's about.

Four birds calling.

And the thing is, I mean even these people that know everything,

there's so much more they don't... When you get higher up in the song

it's like so many drummers drumming.

Things like that. What's that all about?

I mean, it could be anything, couldn't it?

# On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# Five golden rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a...pear tree #

Um... It's also, er...

I think Christmas is for children.

My fishing? Children.

Oh...

We go to asleep. Father Christmas brings us presents.

And he gets hungry

and we leave a snack for him.

We do.

And some biscuits. And some milk.

That's all.

So...

I'm tired.

You didn't sleep very much last night? No.

I love everything about Christmas. I love the Christmas decorations.

It's just so sparkly and twinkly and lovely.

It's really relaxing. It's lovely, actually.

Reindeer with their legs going. I love them.

Kids love it, man. It's lovely.

Why do we have a Christmas tree?

Are we talking about Christmas trees? Yes.

Norway were the first to start it.

That's where the Christmas trees come from originally.

Have you just made that up? No. Yes.

I haven't. Yes, he has, the little devil.

It'll have some religious meaning. Of course it will.

It was St Nicholas... We should be ashamed we don't know.

That's Santa. Santa Claus. Who's Santa? No, that's Nicholas.

(SIGHS)

So you want me to sing? Right.

OK. Are you recording?

# Five gold rings

# Four calling birds

# Three French hens # Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree #

Um...the 12 days of Christmas.

Oh, yes?

Do you know that? Yes.

You want me to sing it all? It'll take me for ever.

(SNIFFS)

I gave a little sniffle... (LAUGHS)

You've come to interview me

and you're allergic to dogs!

No wonder you're feeling a bit sniffly.

Oh, dear, so funny.

Ah... The 12 Days of Christmas.

I know it. But I don't know the words.

No.

# On the fifth day of Christmas (BEATBOXES)

# My true love gave to me

# Five golden rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens

# Two turtle doves... No, no, no, no.

French hens, isn't it? # Two French hens...

Three French hens. # Three French hens

# Two turtle doves

BOTH: # And a partridge in a pear tree

# On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me

# Six geese a-laying... #

What's all that about?

Well, what they do because they're not mammals,

they lay eggs.

# Five gold rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens...

I don't remember any more. Six.

Six maids a-singing...?

I might've made it up, no...

Six...? I know there are lords a-leaping somewhere.

# Seven lords a-leaping

# Six geese a-laying... #

We're just laying.

We're geese and we're laying. Yeah, man, just hanging in.

We are geese and we are just laying!

We're just laying.

You dig? Yeah!

# On the fifth day of Christmas...

# Four calling birds

# Two French hens

# Three... # Oh, God, I've missed it again.

Thought I was getting a bit better as we were going down.

We always sing out of tune if you're a foreigner listening to our song.

Sounds out of tune, but it's not really.

They're quarter pitch. Are you sure?

Yeah.

(SHAKY VOICE) # On the third days of Christmas

# La la la la la

# Geese are laughing

# One brace of rabbits

# Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree

# On the seventh day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Seven swans a-swimming...

# Milking... #

Er...seven swans a-swimming.

As swans do.

Yeah, as they do, unless it's ice.

Um...that must refer back to the sort of gamey type of thing,

bearing in mind it's only royalty

that are officially allowed to eat swans.

Poor old swans.

I don't know if I've ever listened

to the Queen give the Christmas message.

But I presume she speaks in a silly voice

and says a load of old guff.

This Christmas was awful.

But next one will be better.

I don't like doing German accents!

I'm so bad at doing an impression of Her Holiness.

Is it legal because I might get deported doing this, you know?

Um... (AS THE QUEEN) "Enjoy your friends and food

and your boring Christmas television.

And think of us sharing little tales of Christmas cheer.

I hope you all have a lovely year.

And...erm...

The end."

# On the eighth day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Eight maids a-milking #

ALL LAUGH

Eight maids a-milking in the meadow. Buxom women

in white tops and hay.

Hay, lots of hay and cows.

And more cows and maids a-milking. Udders.

Udders. Udders.

Udders. Ah, get my gun.

Nurse, where's my tablet?

The eight maids, or six maids milking,

I think that's milking cows.

It's got to be, innit? What else do you milk?

Goats, I suppose. Baby. Milking their babies.

You wouldn't be milking the baby, would you?

No, but milking themselves. You get milk in Mummy.

It's a long song.

# Seven swans a-swimming...

# Woo! Near a lake.

# Five golden rings

# Four calling birds # Three French hens

# Two turtle doves

# And... # Nine swans a-leaping?

Right?

# On the ninth day of Christmas

# My true love gave to me

# Nine ladies dancing

# Two...geese a-laying

# Five golden rings

# And a partridge in a pear tree

# On the tenth day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Ten lords a-leaping

# Nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking

# Seven swans a-swimming six geese a-laying

# Five gold rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens

# Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree

# On the 11th day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Eleven pipers piping... #

That would annoy you, wouldn't it?

# Dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee dee dee

# Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee, dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee

# Eleven maids a-dancing

# Five pipe... # No.

# Ten drum... Eight maids a-milking

# Seven swans a-swimming

# Six geese a-laying five golden rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens

# Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree #

I don't know the words. That was one of the posh songs when I was a kid.

Geordies didn't sing them sort of songs.

It's a nice song.

And...it always takes you right into Christmas, doesn't it really?

Do you like it, or...?

Yeah...

Maybe there is something magic about it that I'll rediscover

when I get older.

Or when I'm...slightly different.

I always complain about Christmas but I guess maybe I like it a bit.

# And a partridge in a pear... # In a pe-e-e-e-ear...

# Tree # Tree

# Ye-e-e-e-e-eah

# Tree

# Oo-oo... # Oh!

# On the twelfth day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Twelve lords a-leaping # Eleven pipers piping

# Ten drummers drumming # Nine ladies dancing

# Eight maids a-milking # Two French hens

# Six geese a-laying # Five gold rings

# Four calling birds, three French hens

# Deux pigeons

# And a partridge in a pear tree #

Oh, I'm a partridge.

We know it now but we can't sing it.

I know bits. I just can't... Put the words together.

12 days. Is it like the 12th night?

Is that what it means? What's all that? That's like...

I don't want to go through all that analysing it.

I know it's late but I think we need to bottom this one.

You can bog off, I'm not doing it.

We need to analyse it to the nth degree.

Change the subject please.

# Four calling birds... # No, hold on.

Where are we going now, from the top? Eh?

# Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree

# ..tridge in a pear tree-ee #

(CACKLES)

APPLAUSE

That's a wrap.

Brilliant. It's in the can.

Happy Christmas everyone.

Have a very, very nice Christmas.

You're very beautiful.

(AS THE QUEEN) And from Buckingham Palace,

I'd like to wish you all a merry Christmas.

She sounds like an old queen. Gawd, dear, I do, don't I?

All I need's a pair of a glasses and a bouffant. You make me feel old.

Bless you, Ma'am.

The spirit of Christmas is something really beautiful

when you believe in it.

If not, well...

Enjoy Christmas as you can.

Happy Christmas, Muriel. Happy Christmas.

And just carry on drinking the water.

Yes. It's good for you.

I wish I could drink but...

I can't drink.

Ooh, I think...

a nice peaceful Christmas for everybody.

I think we'll have a nice peaceful Christmas.

Yes, I think so.

My Christmas message to the world

is...love your family, love your friends,

love your animals, and love life to the full

because life is so exciting and so enjoyable.

And the more you put into it, the more you get out of it.

Life is just so fantastic.

My Christmas message would be stop shopping.

My Christmas message to the world is...

..speak to each other. Talk. Communicate.

It's-it's good to talk.

It's great to have a conversation.

Erm...

If you talk more, I think there wouldn't be so many problems.

And let's share the wealth.

We all live on the same planet. We're all the same people.

Love each other. Bling!

Don't worry. It's only gonna be for a week or so

and then you can forget all about it till next year.

That song, the 12 Days of Christmas, I find it really irritating.

The words are daft. Five gold rings and all that.

Happy Christmas everybody. Happy Christmas.

That didn't sound very sincere, did it?

Well, it was. Happy Christmas, enjoy yourselves.

And don't forget the true meaning of Christmas.

No.

I'm just thinking about partridges.

Well, stop thinking about partridges.

Is it in danger as a species?

Can you be quiet now, please?

Is it edible? (SIGHS)

# On...the first day of... #

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0