All language subtitles for hacks.s04e02.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab

Come on, babies. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's okay. It's okay.

Come on, come on.

Such a joke.

Good morning!

Oh, God. Bullshit!

You don't like the coffee?

No, I was referring

to the death of
print journalism.

Oh, good, as long as it's
not about the coffee.

Cancel my subscription
to "The New York Times."

What are you going to
do, read the "Post"?

Their Arts and Culture section

doesn't even
scratch the surface.

And besides, I need the Wordle.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Morning.

- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Yeah.

Um, okay, so I'm
gonna post this.

Oh, wow.

- That's an amazing photo of you.
- Thank you.

For the caption, which
do you like better,

"Livin' la Vida Loca"

or "Oops, they let a dumb
bitch be in 'The Times'"?

Um, yeah, I don't know.

Maybe be sincere.

What does it mean to you?

Uh, dream come true.

Then say that.

- Okay, thanks.
- Of course.

- Have a good day.
- You too.

Throw it on main, though, right?

- Oh, for sure.
- Grid Post.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay, totally.

- Peace and love.
- Hey, Diana?

Hey.

Do I know you?

Yeah, you're Deborah's
psychic, right?

- Yeah.
- I'm Ava.

I'm Deborah's writer.
We met in Sedona.

The blue aura.

- Oh, my God.
- That's me.

You had the purest
aura I've ever seen.

That is nice. I don't know.

- I feel like I was...
- You don't have it anymore.

- I do have... I do.
- No, no, no.

No, I'm getting something
really rancid right now.

So, uh...

did Deborah bring you
all the way out here

to sage the writers' room?

Oh, no, I'm with the show.

She hired me as a
consulting producer.

She did?

I just got to cleanse this
horrible energy that's in here.

Lots of sad divorced men
have sat in these chairs.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, wait.

Getting something.

Hang on.

Does the phrase "hat on a
hat" mean anything to you?

Interesting.

Oof.

You hired your
psychic as a producer?

- Uh-huh.
- That's ridiculous.

Psychics are very important.

They've been advising presidents

and emperors for millennia.

Ronald Reagan couldn't
choose an entrée without one.

And besides, you have no say
in who I hire as producer.

Well, I do have a say in
which writers we hire.

I stayed up all weekend
combing through submissions.

These were the 12 strongest.

Rude!

I've already made my choices...

Norm Klein, Brian Pile,

Linda Farraday,
and Merrill Markoe.

They're all seasoned
late-night writers.

You know, like, 800
people submitted, right?

We have to give fresh
voices a fair shot.

We're not gonna hire
unemployed people.

We need writers with
actual experience

because our head writer just
went straight from coproducer

to executive extorter.

- My God.
- You know, if I'm gonna spend

all day with these people,
I need to feel confident.

Wait, you're planning on
being in the writers' room?

Of my own show?

Of course. What do you expect?

That's just not how
it typically works.

Usually the head
writer runs the room,

and then the host
just approves jokes.

I'm trying to make
your life easier.

Oh, well, then kill yourself.

That is not funny.

Stay in your lane,

which I believe is
the drive-through lane

at Del Taco.

Nice try. I'm a Jack
in the Box girl.

You know what, Deborah? I'm
just doing my job, okay?

I'm trying to hire writers

that reflect the world
we actually live in.

Well, if you'd like to
resign, I suppose I could take

a risk on some
up-and-coming QPOCs.

QPOCs?

Do you even know
what that means?

Queer person of
color, you bitch.

Where the fuck did
you learn that?

Backstage at the GLAAD Awards.

Begone.

Okay, guys, you're
kind of pissing me off.

Everyone sign in with your
name and species, all right?

There's too many
humans with dog names

and dogs with human names.

Help me help you.

Oswald. Who's Oswald?

- Let's make this easy.
- Oh, my God.

- No.
- Hi.

What is going on in here?

Uh, I'm meeting with
potential new clients.

Hello. What?

I told you my business plan.
We both need our thing.

You've cornered the market
on women of a certain age

and lesbian writers.

I'm gonna corner the market
on animals and children.

I'm the queen of petite!

Are you gonna get the phone?

- Oh, Schaefer & LuSaque.
- LuSaque & Schaefer.

We're still arguing
about the name.

Don't tell people that.

Lucky for you, they hung up.

Ugh! You're making
my job hard.

I don't know if I can
deal with this, okay?

My cup is full.

Hey, my cover girl.
How's it going?

Do you know no one is
answering your office phone?

Yes, I do.

Um, we're having a bit
of a personnel shortage.

Sorry about that.

Deborah's not
letting me do my job,

and she's calling
me so many names.

I think she googled
slang terms for redheads

- or something.
- God, okay.

Also, has Kayla found
me an apartment yet?

I'm spending too
much on a hotel room

that doesn't even have slippers.

No slippers?

That is criminal.

Can you hold on for
one second, Ava?

Hey, my cover girl.

- Did you read it?
- The "Times" profile?

Yes, I thought it was
really, really good.

You look gorgeous.

"With the 27-year-old
Daniels in her stable,

"Vance's material evolved,

becoming honest, raw,
and political again."

You think that's great?

That ginger Judas is getting
credit for my entire career.

Oh, well, I-I didn't...
That's not how I read it.

Ava didn't make me honest.
I've always been honest.

I was the one person
to speak candidly

about Barbara Bush's hairline

when George was still in office.

And you were brave for that.

Can you hold on for
one second, Deborah?

- Hello?
- Sorry.

So Deborah is upset
about the profile.

Maybe you could just
be a little nice to her

- for the next day or two.
- The profile?

Oh, my God, she's so petty.

I'm... no, I'm not
gonna indulge her.

Right, I hear that...

And I respect it. Can you
hold on for one second?

Be right back. Hey, Deborah.

Sorry, I think we
got disconnected.

We need to issue a correction.

"A correction"? With
"The New York Times"?

Um, you know what? I can try.

Are you at a dog pound?

Okay, and you know what?
Um, let me think on that.

One second, Deborah.

Okay. Clearly, she's nuts.

- I know.
- She is.

- Hello?
- Deborah?

Oh, good.

We're all together.

This is my plan,
"Parent Trap" situation.

Look, communication is the key.

Are you shit-talking
me to my manager, Ava?

He's my manager, too, and
he thinks you're nuts.

No! No, I don't.

- No, I don't. Deborah...
- He does.

I do... I do not.

I was saying Kayla
is. Kayla's nuts.

- Oh, God, I'm out of here.
- I'm not doing this.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh!

- Mother...
- I'm not nuts. I'm quirky!

- Ugh!
- No, Kayla!

I didn't mean that!

It's the phones.

We need assistants!

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

I didn't know she was napping.

Damien!

Sorry, I was eating dinner.

What's up?

I need bear urine
and lots of it.

Still or sparkling?

Kidding. Sorry.

It's for the coyotes.

I'm on it.

Yuck, sweaty back.

Is the blindfold
really necessary?

Yes, it's like a gender
reveal but for your apartment.

It's special. It's
a core memory.

- Now shut up.
- Okay, okay.

You're home!

Your balcony is right
over there, sister!

I made sure it's by
Sprinkles Cupcakes

because it smells
so good... vanilla!

You got me an
apartment at the mall?

It's not a mall.

It's an outdoor mall.

It's the Americana.

Listen, you are embarking

on a really important
moment in your career.

Your life's gonna be
hell, hell on Earth.

And you're gonna need to focus
on the work and just the work.

Like, you're not gonna
be able to do anything.

So why not live somewhere
where you can have access

to anything you might need?

I don't think I need a
cupcake vending machine.

Okay, I hear you.

But imagine how
convenient it's gonna be

when you can pick up
your Prozac at Rite Aid.

Hop on down to Sephora
for some blotting paper

for that oily-ass T-zone.

- Okay.
- You hit the nail salon.

I know you're gonna be chomping
those bits down to hell, girl!

Also, you're not gonna
have time to cook, honey,

but guess what.

There's nothing more
ding-dang delicious

than Jersey Mike's.

It's open late. Come on.

You're weirdly kind of right.

- Okay, yeah.
- Yes!

Okay, let's go to Claire's
and get my tits pierced.

Here you go.

I had some thoughts.

Yeah, a thought on every page.

Every third word is
crossed out or marked up.

It's not working for me.

What's not working for you?

I think we can get better terms.

We can't. I went back
and forth many times.

It's a generous deal,

and there's a clock
on this from QVC.

Well, then you
better work quickly.

Opening this back up
is not a good idea.

It's not negotiating
in good faith,

and I know you know that.

Well, if you had gotten
me what I deserved

in the first place, we
wouldn't be doing this.

Excuse me. I have
a show to run.

Yeah, I know you do.

That's what I'm trying
to let you do here.

I'm sorry about that.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi, Mr. LuSaque.
- Yes, Jimmy.

Randi, Kayla's new assistant.

Oh, um, nice to meet you.

I didn't realize she
had hired someone.

Yeah, me.

Cool. Well, welcome aboard.

Let me know if
you need anything.

No, I'm... I'm
good. I'm in heaven.

Really loving this
landline culture here.

You want something
done, you just call.

Where were you before this,
one of the agencies or...

Oh, no. Me, I
never been nowhere.

- Hmm?
- Last week I was

a Hasidic Lubavitch Jew

living in Crown
Heights, New York.

Now I'm in LA, I'm gay,
and probably an atheist.

Till last week, I never
even seen a movie.

Huh.

Have you seen "Speed"?

- Uh, yeah.
- Is that a movie?

- Sandra Bullock?
- Oh, yeah.

We really should
sign Sandra Bullock.

Oh, um, she has very
good representation,

and we actually have
a no-poaching policy,

- so...
- Oh, that's a shame.

I mean, if you're not
aggressive in this business,

you're never gonna make it.

Okay, uh, I thought you were
new to the business, so...

No, I know. That's just
true of any business.

- Hmm.
- Hey, where's your assistant?

I haven't, uh, made a hire yet.

I have, like, a million
résumés to get through.

Oh, forget the résumés.
They're a printout of lies.

You truly want to assess
somebody as a candidate,

why don't you ask them
how many peanut M&M's

they could fit
into a Honda Civic?

Wait, you...

It doesn't matter the answer,

- just to see how they think.
- Huh, yeah.

You might also want to
ask them their ethnicity,

but you didn't
hear that from me.

Hmm, uh, we are really
happy to have you here.

So happy to be here.

We cannot have her here.

Why not?

She's amazing. I
found her on LinkedIn.

She has more connections
than a train station.

Okay, but not in our industry.

Plus, she's not your type,
so I don't have to worry

about you trying
to sleep with her.

My type? What is my type?

Round eyes, long hair, big
old fat dump-truck ass.

Okay, stop.

I'm not gonna sleep
with an assistant.

You're a man of power now.
You don't know what you'll do.

Yeah, I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm not gonna sleep
with an assistant.

Mr. LuSaque?

Yes?

I actually did
think of something.

I'm gonna need another
sink, to keep kosher.

Even though you're
maybe an atheist?

Oh, it's got nothing to do.
Kosher living is just cleaner.

I mean, some of these religious
tenets, they were right.

- I can't help that.
- Yeah. Okay.

I'll send you a couple options.

- Of sinks?
- Yeah, I'm easy.

Okay.

I really think you need
to do a trial period

just to see if it's a
match, because it's not.

Okay, fine.

I'll take her to the
movies tonight... whatever.

The movies? No, don't
take her to the movies.

See if she works out for a week.

Okay, fine. This
ruined my day. Thanks.

Uh, it ruined your day?

Well, you're gonna go
see a fun movie tonight

- with your friend.
- Oh, Mr. Jealous.

If you wanted to come,
you can just ask.

- I don't.
- Okay.

- I don't.
- That's not nice.

But tell me what you see,
because there's a couple things

that I haven't seen
and I want to see.

- Okay, love you.
- Love you.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just toasting a bagel.

No, not you, Bitch-a-bod
Crane over here.

Well, it's your
favorite, recycling.

You got a problem
with pour-over now?

Uh, yes, Norma Rae.

Office coffee is made
first thing in the morning

in a big batch, and
then it cooks all day

on a heat pad until
it tastes like shit.

And that's what you want
your employees to have?

First you give them pour-over,

and then they
expect personal days

and stop responding to
emails on the weekend.

It is a slippery slope.

I can't believe you're
fighting me on this.

A Mr. Coffee works...
fast, efficient.

And do not give me shit
about its gendering.

Oh, I have trouble
with that stuff, too.

Oh, there you are.

You guys make any
headway with the writers?

We really got to get
that squared away.

Oh, yes, I was just
telling Eva that.

Oh, and I was just
telling Dah-borah

about a very
promising young comic

that I'm planning
on scouting tonight.

Oh, and I was just telling
her, there's no way

I'm gonna let her go to that
alone, so I'm gonna go, too.

Wow, sounds like a great convo.

I'll let you guys
get to it, then.

Dah-borah, I am so sorry

I've been mispronouncing
your name all these years.

- I mean, who knew?
- It's okay.

Maybe other people
knew. I didn't know.

I'm a psychic.

I should have known.

We're gonna keep the show going.

Uh, this next person is
one of my favorite comics.

She is so funny. I
love her so much.

You probably know her from
her "Arliss" rewatch podcast,

or you saw her crush it on the
Netflix "Roast of Naomi Watts."

Please put your hands
together for the hilarious

Grace Fletcher!

Oh, hey, how's it
going, everybody?

You know, I hate it when I,
uh... when I get pregnant

and the sex wasn't
even that good.

He came in two minutes,
and now I have to pay

for someone to go to college.

Where are you going?

We're missing Grace's set.

Well, we're obviously
not going to hire her.

I mean, why would
I waste my time?

Oh, my God!

You mean because she's pregnant?

Yes.

But that's not fair.

She's smart and funny.

I'm sure she is.

And if in 18 years, the
position is still open,

- she can have it.
- That is illegal.

Well, slavery was
legal for many years.

The law isn't always right.

You can't compare having
a child to slavery.

Oh, yes, I can. I've had one.

Trust me, the only thing
harder than raising a child

is writing for late night.

You can't do both.

- Just drop it.
- I just feel so badly for her.

Well, so do I.

- You do?
- No!

I just said that
because I thought

it would end this conversation.

Do you really believe

that we shouldn't hire
a pregnant person?

Or do you just want
to go against me?

Because you've been fighting
me on every little thing.

And I think it's actually
because of your ego.

- Mm.
- You can't handle

that you have to
share credit with me.

Oh.

I know you were mad
about the cover.

You're right.

But what actually bothers
me about that cover

is that you should not be on it,

because you're not the
right person for the job.

- You offered it to me!
- I know I did!

That's before I realized how
many eyeballs would be on it.

What does that mean?

That article only
confirmed for me

I never should have offered you

that position in
the first place.

They said how you
helped make my material

more fresh and vulnerable
and... and honest.

And... and you did, and
I thank you for that.

You're fucking welcome.

But it also made it niche.

Late night is for
housewives and mechanics.

You're very good at what you do,

but you are not the right
person to lead that show!

Is she bothering
you, Ms. Vance?

No.

- Shit.
- Hi.

No. No, we were just leaving.

You're wrong, and I'm
gonna prove it to you.

LuSaque & Schaefer or
Schaefer & LuSaque.

They haven't really decided yet.

No, it's not four of them.

- It's just...
- Ooh!

Oh!

Kayla Anne Schaefer!

I'm gonna have to call you back.

- Hey, baby.
- Don't call me "baby."

I just stepped in one
of your clients' shits.

No more animals in
this office, okay?

I can't handle this.

I'm dealing with all this
stuff with Deborah and Ava.

I just had to go to Kinko's
to print out résumés

because we don't even
have a printer set up yet.

I can't even hire an
assistant, much less clean up

animal shit in this office.

Speaking of that.

Randi, can you get
over here right now?

Will you please tell
Mr. Jimmy what you did today?

Certainly. I had some
time and took the liberty

of exploring your
online presence.

Permission to be
frank... you got none.

Okay.

So I made your
company a website.

That something?

You made that whole thing today?

Yeah, 15 minutes on Squarespace.

It's nothing. I'm surprised
you didn't have one.

I mean, do not be afraid
to toot your own horn,

especially in this business.

That's what it's all about.

Here, stay in that light.

There, that's your
company photo.

You got a beautiful face.

- Shame to hide it.
- I always tell him that.

I was doing a weird expression.

- I didn't know we were...
- Long lashes.

- Doing a headshot.
- What I've learned

about this business
is, everybody is soft.

Agents work less than
teachers at this point.

I mean, I just heard
about Summer Fridays.

- Isn't that ridiculous?
- Disgusting.

Why would Fridays
be season-dependent?

- Yeah, I don't...
- And then apparently,

everybody takes off mid-October,

comes back end of January.

And you want to know
why the entire industry

is in the toilet.

Nobody wants to work.

I don't disagree. I just...

I'm kind of searching
for your point here.

I should be both
your assistants.

That's my point.

Look, Mr. LuSaque, you're
so stressed, you're molting.

Your hair is everywhere.

- It's not good.
- What?

You're standing in
shit, for Christ's sake.

Hire me, and let's move
on with our lives already.

If I'm not the greatest
assistant you both ever had,

you send me on the bus packing.

Man, I can't stop
thinking about "Speed."

Sorry with all the bus.

Such a good movie.

Well, I would love something
taken off my plate,

so, honestly, it's insane,

but if you are okay
with it, Kayla...

- She's fine with it.
- I love it.

All right, then you know what?

Great, you're hired.

- I'm scared, but, okay.
- Yes!

- Okay.
- Now, take off your shoes

and give me those résumés.

I'm gonna use them to scrape
the shit off the bottom.

Okay, there's that. You sure?

I'm positive.
This is what I do.

Okay.

By the way, I sold a show today.

- You did?
- Yeah, "Lassie" reboot.

I sold it over text.

You sold a half-hour over text?

No one's even buying half-hours.

Oh, yeah. Pilot
production commitment.

This bitch is a star.

- Okay. Hey!
- Let's celebrate!

Cosmos in my room.

You mean your office?

Whoo!

Kick that other shoe off, baby.

Sorry, Deborah, I know you're
working on writer submissions,

but what I've learned is that
female bear piss doesn't work.

It's got to be male.

So I've narrowed down my search,

but that's also
lengthened my search.

Hi.

Winnie Landell wants to meet
you both for dinner at 6:30.

Tonight? As in two
hours from now?

I wasn't told to find
a time that works.

I was told to add it
to your schedules.

Oh, well, then we'll be there.

Perfect.

Whoa, whoa!

Jesus.

This place is crazy.

Everything's concrete.

I bet Winnie's shattered her
phone screen so many times.

You get one glass of wine.

And why didn't you wear mascara?

This isn't a fucking library.

I had a Lunchable for lunch,
so this is obviously a step up.

Delicious, and the
view... stunning.

I mean, the last time I was
this high up on Mulholland,

Bob Evans had his
hand up my shirt.

What's going on between you two?

Me and Bob Evans? He's dead.

Yeah. No, I mean you two.

- The Comedy Store last night?
- What do you...

I don't... I don't
know what you...

Saw a video of you two
screaming at each other online.

Oh.

Yeah, no, that was... that
was a creative conversation.

Because we really...
we really care.

- You're a public figure now.
- I've been telling her that.

It's... it's...
she's new to it.

You're new to it, too.

This is a bigger stage
than you've ever been on.

You're not in Vegas anymore.

I need to know you're
taking this job seriously,

because you're behind schedule.

I'm hearing you haven't
made writer hires.

Marketing has gotten no feedback

on the taglines
they sent last week.

And what the hell is
up with these pranks?

Oh.

The pranks are...
they're... they're harmless.

They make... they make the
vibe fun around the office.

You know, George
Clooney does pranks.

You think George Clooney does
pranks because they're fun?

The man is sick.

I don't think either
of you understand.

Late night's in trouble.

No, we've read the trades.

Oh, it's way worse than that.

In the end, it wasn't
a choice between you

and someone else to host.

It was a choice
between you and no one.

Wow.

The network was about ready to
be done with the whole thing

and replace it with a clip show.

I didn't know that.

You were a big swing,
and you take a big swing

when you need a grand slam.

You need to turn this
whole thing around.

We need big guests, big numbers.

We need to expand the
brand equity of late night.

I'm talking spin-offs.

What's your "Carpool Karaoke"?

I... uh, I...

Uh, you better figure it out.

You need to be
thinking big picture.

I-I-I love a challenge.

Good, because if you thought
getting this job was hard,

that was easy compared to
what you're up against.

You air in a month.

I need a hit by the
end of the year.

And whatever's going on
between you two, fix it.

A hit? What does
that even mean?

H-how is that even
possible anymore?

What?

Smile. We're on camera.

Move!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Thanks for coming by.
- Sure.

Have a seat.

Want some coffee?

Uh, I'm good.

Um...

Look, um...

I-I-I was way out of
line the other day.

The deal is good.

Michael Jordan's
Nike deal was good.

This deal is incredible.

It's just...

it's not easy letting you go.

It's not easy for me either,

but this is a big
moment for you.

I don't want to
be a distraction.

Deborah, I need you to
listen to me very carefully.

You need to put your
whole ass into this.

I'm serious.

What we built was huge.

But you only had room for
it because you didn't have

the chance to perform
at this level,

and now you have that chance.

And I have the
chance to never think

about jeggings ever again.

You love jeggings.

I don't.

Listen, I had an idea.

How about if I made you

- an executive producer?
- Deborah.

A non-writing EP, they call it.

- They don't do anything.
- Not doing anything...

does that sound like
fun for people like us?

No, no.

You're right.

I just... I need people
around me that I can trust.

You have Ava.

No.

No, she's... she's
out of her depth.

When I started with you,
I was younger than her,

and I was way out of my depth,

but look what we built.

You got to dance with
the one who brought you.

So no changing your mind, huh?

Deborah, I don't want
to be on the sidelines

fighting for face time with you.

You're getting to do
something you always wanted.

I deserve that, too.

You do.

Okay. Okay.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know yet,
which is scary.

You're kind of my
longest relationship.

That's not scary.
That's pathetic.

What's pathetic
is that I'm yours.

Oh, no, you're not. No.

- Josefina is.
- She left for four years.

We were on a break.

Hey, where do I spray?

Everywhere.

Got it.

What... what is that?

Bear piss.

Oh.

LA... it's crazy.

Ava!

Get down here!

You know, you're
not funny enough

to dress like Adam Sandler.

What are you doing
here, Deborah?

You know Glendale is my turf.

Pack a bag. You're late.

What? I-I'm just waking up.

I barely had a sip of my
Barnes & Noble Café coffee.

Writers are waiting for you.

You hired writers
without consulting me?

There are too many other
things to deal with.

Look, I read the packets.

I chose from the
strongest of your picks,

so it's gonna be them, Brian
Pile, and Merrill Markoe

when she gets back from Rome.

Oh, okay.

Slay. Even the pregnant woman?

No, she turned us down. She
wants to work in narrative.

- Ah, our loss.
- Dodged a bullet.

Look, we don't have enough
time to keep arguing.

I agree.

So, truce?

I think we have to. I
mean, you heard Winnie.

We've got to be a
hit, so let's go.

It's Saturday.

That's why we're calling
it a writers' retreat.

Come on, they're waiting
for us on the tarmac.

"Tarmac"? Where are we going?

- Where else? Vegas!
- Uh...