Original subtitles

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Narrator] Currently, Twoflower,

the Discworld's first tourist,

is rapidly leaving it in an attempt to escape Krull.

This attempt has been 1,000% successful.

Although this means he may also be

the Disc's last tourist, he is enjoying the view.

Meanwhile, somewhere above Twoflower,

Rincewind isn't enjoying the view at all.

Only Great A'Tuin, the world turtle,

knows why it's heading towards the star.

Those on the Disc are due to find out in about two days,

and then they're really going to worry.

(chains clanking) (voices growling)

The Octavo, the greatest spell book of all, is so worried

about all this, that it must take action of its own.

(wind whistles)

(Rincewind screams)

(Rincewind screams)

- Oh, great, the ground is gonna break my fall. (screams)

(Rincewind screams)

(Rincewind groans) (body thuds)

(air whooshes)

(Rincewind groans)

(helmet clatters)

Did I just leave the world only to land back on it again?

Yes, you did.

Oh, why, why, why?

- [Man] We're not going anywhere.

Look at that.

- Is that me or is that getting bigger? (groans)

(people shouting)

- Is the turtle flying straight towards it, I ask you?

Well, wizards say we always miss the stars.

But has anyone seen one get this close before?

(people shouting)

Where are the wizards when we need them?

- Wizards out! - Wizards out!

- Wizards out! - Wizards out!

- Wizards out! - Wizards out!

- [Townspeople] Wizards out, wizards out, wizards out!

Wizards out, wizards out, wizards out, wizards out!

Wizards out, wizards out!

Wizards out, wizards out, wizards out, wizards out!

Wizards out, wizards out, wizards out!

- One small step for a wizard into the unseen,

one giant leap for the Unseen University.

- Would the student body please acknowledge

the 305th Archchancellor?

(staffs thudding)

- Let it be known that although

limited personnel alterations have been made,

one or two other significant things

will be changing for the tidier.

(dramatic orchestral music)

As none of us have received guidance

as to the events of this morning

and there seems to be a degree

of quite unnecessary anxiety

amongst the populous about the star,

I propose that we perform the Rite Of AshkEnte.

(chains clanking) (voices shouting)

(Octavo growls)

(luggage thuds) - After its own space odyssey,

many miles from Ankh-Morpork, in the Vortex Plains,

the luggage has plans of its own.

(luggage thuds)

- I said, our guest, whose name is legend,

must tell us truly, what is it

that a man may call the greatest things in life?

(fire crackles)

- The crisp horizon of the steppe,

the wind in your hair, a fresh horse underneath you.

- Or is it the sight of your enemy, slain?

The humiliation of his tribe

and the lamentation of his women?

(men laughing)

- What you say?

- I said, our guest, whose name

is legend, must tell us truly--

- Oh, pish.

(dramatic orchestral music)

Hot water,

good dentistry,

and soft lavatory paper.

(men coughing)

(wood creaks)

(horse whinnies) (playful orchestral music)

- (speaks in foreign language) AshkEnte!

Rise up, O creature of earth and darkness!

(magic hisses)

We do charge thee to abjure from--

- [Death] I was at a party, you know.

- It is said that you can see both the past and the future.

- [Death] Correct.

- Then, perhaps you can tell us,

why is the red star getting bigger?

- [Death] Because the turtle is flying towards it.

- [Trymon] Why?

- [Death] For a purpose that has nothing to do with me.

- Then, perhaps you can tell us

what exactly happened this morning.

- [Death] I understand that the Octavo was

anxious not to lose the eighth spell.

- Hold on.

- [Death] It was dropping off the Disc, apparently.

- Hold on.

Are we talking about the spell

that is inside the head of Rincewind?

- [Death] That he'd been carrying around all these years?

Yes.

- Any idea why?

- [Death] All I know is that all the spells

have to be said together at Solstice

or many worlds will be destroyed.

- Destroyed?

- [Death] It's an ancient prophecy,

written on the inner walls of the Great Pyramid of Tsort.

- Can you tell us where Rincewind is now?

- [Death] The Forest of Skund,

rimwards of the Ramtop Mountains,

feeling very sorry for himself.

- Hello, anybody out there?

(owl hoots)

Twoflower?

(owl hoots)

(Rincewind whimpers)

- Oh.

- [Death] Now, may I go?

- Oh, yes, I hope it's a good party.

- [Death] I think it might go downhill at midnight.

- Why?

- [Death] That's when they'll be taking my mask off.

- Hmm.

(magic hisses)

(bone clinks)

(ominous orchestral music)

(door clanks)

(librarian gasps)

Evening.

I'm looking for anything we've got on the Pyramid of Tsort.

- Ook!

(librarian grunts) - Yes. (laughs)

Oh? (chuckles)

(librarian grunts)

(librarian grunts)

Hmm.

(Trymon groans)

- Ook.

- Ah.

Thank you.

(librarian grunts)

(librarian grunts)

(dramatic orchestral music)

"Whoever says all the spells together,

"when the Disc is in danger..."

- [Librarian] Ook, ook, ook!

- Yes, yes, the star, I know.

"Will gain ultimate power.

- [Librarian] Ook.

- "To save the worlds," yes, and that.

Now, listen, if you were to ook this

to any members of the faculty, you will be disciplined.

(librarian gasps)

It's not as if bananas grow on trees.

(librarian grunts)

As much as it pains me to say this, Rincewind must not die.

At least, not until we bring him back here.

(door clanks)

And empty his head.

(door creaks)

(ominous orchestral music)

(plants rustling)

(branches crackling) (Twoflower groans)

- [Twoflower] Rincewind!

- Go away, go away!

- [Twoflower] Rincewind!

- I'm not listening, I'm not listening.

- [Twoflower] It's me, Twoflower.

- He's dead, and he's inside my head.

Oh, why me?

Why me?

Why, Twoflower?

- Isn't it an amazing thing

that we ended up back on the world?

- I must have done something really bad

to have got stuck with you.

(Twoflower groans)

The turtle must have caught us somehow.

- Why would it do that?

- I don't know, do I?

Anyway, where are we?

(Twoflower groans)

(body thuds)

(Twoflower moans)

- Alive or dead?

- Well, since we need him to say

the spell in order to save the worlds,

I suspect alive might be better.

- To save the worlds?

What does that mean?

- I don't know, but as long as one of the worlds he saves

is ours, I shall consider it a most satisfactory outcome.

(men chattering)

(dramatic orchestral music) (horse clomps)

(wood creaks)

(wood creaks)

(treasure roars)

(wood creaks) (adventurous orchestral music)

(Cohen grunts)

(horse snorts)

- It's extraordinary!

It looks like they're gonna have a ceremony,

an ancient and traditional ritual

probably dating back thousands of years to celebrate the--

- All that Golden Bough and Cycle of Nature stuff

just boils down to sex and violence,

usually both at the same time.

(people chanting in foreign language)

I think we ought to be going.

- Oh.

- Come on, let's go!

(dramatic orchestral music)

- If only I had my picture box.

(plants rustling)

(wood creaks)

(Cohen grunts)

(people chanting in foreign language)

(plants rustling)

Oh, there you are.

(wood creaks)

Hmm, it's very loyal.

- Yes, if loyalty is what you look for in a suitcase.

Come on, look, we ought to leave.

- [Twoflower] (gasps) Is she a druidess?

- I don't think so.

Look, you're not going to like this next bit, I promise you.

- No, no, I want to stay.

I think ceremonies like this

hark back to a primitive simplicity which--

- If you must know, they're going to sacrifice her.

- [Twoflower] What, kill her?

- Well, it wouldn't be much of a sacrifice

if they didn't, would it?

- Couldn't they just use flowers and berries and things?

Sort of symbolic?

- Look, no self-respecting high priest

is gonna go through all the business

of trumpets and processions and then shove his knife

in a daffodil and a couple of plums, is he?

We'll get out of here, come on.

- (mutters) No, really, honestly, please.

(Rincewind sputters)

Um, I say there.

Yes, I say, may I have a word there, sir?

I'm sorry to intrude, I don't mean to be a bother,

but I was just there and I saw what looks to be

a lovely enterprise you have here.

But the purpose, I just wonder if you'd reconsider,

for a moment, the idea of sacrifice because despite--

- Tell me what that other idiot

is doing or you is a dead man.

(Rincewind whimpers)

- You see, you can't bring her back.

With the blood and the white dress, and it's just--

- His name is Twoflower and he's not from these parts.

- Doesn't look like it.

Now, what I'm looking for is

the box full of treasure with the legs.

- And leave the more-- - Come here!

- [Twoflower] Less blood and nobody actually dies.

Oh, hello.

- Oh, a star! - Star!

- The star! - Look, it's getting bigger.

(Rincewind chuckles)

- [Man] It's coming closer.

- [Cohen] You ever done this sort of thing before?

- What sort of thing?

- Rushed into a temple, killed the priests,

stolen the gold and rescued the girl?

- [Rincewind] Not in so many words, no.

- You do it like this.

(adventurous orchestral music)

(Cohen grunts)

(swords clanging)

(men grunting)

(swords clanging)

- Let's go.

(people shouting)

- It's all right!

- It bloody well isn't.

(man wails)

Why do people always go and spoil things?

(men roaring)

(swords clanging)

- You've just been saved from absolutely certain death.

(scoffs) - It's not easy around here, you know.

I mean, keeping yourself, I mean,

staying, I mean, not letting yourself

or not losing your qualifications!

- Qualifications?

(men roaring)

- I could have been up there with the moon goddess by now,

drinking mead out of a silver bowl.

Eight years of staying home on Saturday nights

just right down the drain!

- Oh, well.

(man roars)

(Rincewind groans)

(swords clanging)

(man grunts)

(sword squelches) (Cohen grunts)

(Rincewind groans)

(mysterious orchestral music) (voices whispering)

- Where am I now?

- [Woman] You're dreaming.

- Can I wake up, please?

- [Man] No, you have a very important task ahead of you.

- Oh, good.

- [Twoflower] Rincewind!

Rincewind, are you in there?

- [Cohen] There's not even a flesh wound.

- [Twoflower] Rincewind, can you hear me, Rincewind?

- [Cohen] What's up with the girl?

- She won't let us rescue her.

- Bugger that. (grunts)

- No! (yelps) (Cohen groans)

(bodies thudding)

- Don't just lie there you daft cow, help me up! (groans)

- [Twoflower] Are you sure you

can't hear me in there, Rincewind?

Rincewind, Rincewind! (voices whispering)

- [Man] Many years ago, we arranged

for one of our number to hide in your head.

- Who are we, exactly?

- [Woman] We are the seven spells, and our task

is to see that nothing dreadful

happens to the eighth, Rincewind.

- [Man] It is most important that you don't let

the wizards take the spell from you.

- [Woman] All eight spells must be said at the right time

or terrible things will happen.

- [Man] And they mustn't be said by the wrong people.

(chains clanking)

- The wizards.

- [Woman] Precisely.

- Am I in the Octavo?

- [Man] In certain metaphysical respects, yes.

(Rincewind screams)

- [Man] Why are you screaming?

- [Man] Yes, why are you screaming?

- I'm inside a bloody book, talking to voices I can't see,

and you ask me why I'm screaming?

- [Woman] Look, it is very important

you safeguard the spell in your head

and bring it back to us at the university

in time for the Solstice, so when the moment

is precisely right, we can be said.

- Why should anyone want to say you?

- [Man] It's the star.

You see, the turtle is heading towards it because--

- No, no, no, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

You've totally ruined my life!

You do realize that, don't you?

I could have really made it as a wizard

if you hadn't used me as a portable spell book.

I can't remember any other spells because they're

all too frightened to be in the same head as you.

- [Woman] Look at it like this then,

as soon as the spell is said, you'll be rid of it.

- [Man] And us.

- [Man] Forever.

(Rincewind growls)

- When's the Solstice?

- Hey! (chuckles)

oh, two days' time, I think.

- (gasps) Oh, right.

We've got to go, right now.

- Well, won't the Druids be celebrating the Solstice here?

- Probably not.

- Well, are you sure?

"Cause I'd really like to stay here.

- Yes.

(dramatic orchestral music)

But Ankh-Morpork is the place to be on Solstice.

- Well, Rincewind, if we're not gonna be here--

- Oh, to feel the cobbles under your feet

and the old familiar smell of the cesspits.

They're at their very best this time of year.

- Well, the place that I feel I really missed--

I want to take you home, home to the potatoes

they sell at the fried fish stall at the junction

of the Street of Cunning Artifices and Midden Street.

- Yeah, potatoes.

Rincewind, this was a lovely fight,

but what I really wanna see is the Temple at Bel-Shamharoth.

- Potatoes, I hear you calling.

What did you say?

- I want to see the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth.

- Not the home of the giant terrifying spider

from which no one has ever returned alive?

- That's the one.

- Oh, right.

(dramatic orchestral music)

Ah, (laughs) of course, the River Snarl runs right past it.

- Well, that settles it then.

- On our way to the Solstice celebrations at Ankh-Morpork.

- I can hear the potatoes calling.

(Rincewind laughs)

Oh.

- Right.

(wizard clears throat) - Shut up!

- I don't like the sound of that.

- What shall we do?

- Uh, panic?

(plants rustling)

Ooh! - That's him!

- Wizards. - Panic!

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Have they come to celebrate the Solstice?

- [Rincewind] (pants) Quick, in there!

(plants rustling)

- [Wizard Leader] Rincewind!

- Hey, they know you.

- Got you surrounded!

You come back with us to see Archchancellor Trymon

and everything will be all right.

You have his word.

- It's nice they want you back.

- No, it isn't.

Even by wizards' standards, Trymon is a nasty piece of work.

(ominous orchestral music)

- Now we can do this the easy way

or we can do this the very easy way.

- What's the easy way?

- You come out not covered in burning leaf mold.

- [Rincewind] What's the very easy way?

- We set fire to the sacrificial pyre,

with you in it.

- How do you think it'll end?

- Well, if that star is an omen,

it looks like we're all going to die.

- Oh, we should name it now then.

- (chuckles) Might as well.

- Well, how 'bout the Death Star?

- Oh, don't be daft, what sort of name is that?

The Death Star?

(spell hisses)

(Rincewind yelps)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Wizard Leader] Who cast the spell?

- You didn't see that Trymon out there, did you?

- Trymon, no, why?

- Well, for a minute there, I thought we were in trouble.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(spells whooshing)

Rincewind, look out! (roars)

(projector whirs)

(Twoflower groans)

(men grunting) (swords clanging)

(adventurous orchestral music)

- A little bit earlier would have been nice. (groans)

oh, Twoflower, Twoflower!

(people shouting) - All wizards must die!

If the wizards can't get rid of the star, they should cease

all magic and commit suicide in good order.

(water splashes)

(people groaning)

- All wizards must die! - Oh!

- If they're going to be like that,

personally, I'd let them burn.

- [Townspeople] All wizards must die, all wizards must die!

- The fact is, the star is getting bigger.

(dramatic orchestral music)

And without Rincewind's spell,

there's nothing we can do about it.

- I've looked into the Mirror of Oversight.

- Last night, I sought him out in the Runes of M'haw.

- May I make it clear that I tried both the Runes

and the Mirror and the entrails of a manicreach.

- [Jiglad] Any good?

- So nobody knows where he is now?

- No.

In times of crisis, one must be wise.

And wise men do what the times demand.

- [Townspeople] All wizards must die!

All wizards must die, all wizards must die!

- Twoflower, Twoflower, come on, wake up!

We've got to go!

All right, if that's the way you want it. (groans)

(Cohen grunts)

(playful orchestral music) (Rincewind grunts)

(wood creaks)

(Rincewind groans)

- Let me rest me back.

- Twoflower. (Cohen groans)

(horse whinnies) Wakey-wakey, come along, now.

You in there?

- There's some liniment stuff

in the saddlebag, if you wouldn't mind.

(Bethan scoffs)

- Who are you?

(horse nickers)

(Rincewind claps)

- Cohen is me name. (adventurous orchestral music)

- Cohen the Barbarian?

- The very same.

- Oh, hang on, hang on.

Cohen is a great big chap, built like a bull,

chest muscles like a sack full of footballs.

He's the Disc's greatest warrior!

I mean, he's a legend in his own lifetime.

(laughs) My grandfather used to tell me--

- Yes, that's right, boy.

I'm a lifetime in me own legend.

- But you were the greatest.

(Cohen groans)

Bards still sing songs about you.

- I never get any royalties.

That's the saga of my life.

80 years in the business and what have I got to show for it?

Backache, piles, bad digestion,

and a hundred different recipes for shoop.

Shoop, I hate shoop.

- Shoop.

- Soup.

- It's me teeth, you see.

No one takes you seriously when you've got no teeth.

They say, "Sit by the fire, Grandad, and have some shoop."

(Rincewind laughs)

(Rincewind coughs)

That's a nasty cough you've got there, mate.

- Yes, yes, I know.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just that come on, wake up!

- He's gone.

- What, dead?

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Well.

- Wait, I've got to get him back to Ankh-Morpork.

- Well, he's not exactly dead.

- He can't die, the Patrician will kill me!

- He's just gone.

- He's gone?

Where?

Can't I get him back?

- I don't know, but I think I know

someone who might have a map.

- A necromancer.

- What's neck romance?

- No, necromancy is talking to the dead.

- Oh.

- Of course, I don't believe in tarot cards.

I mean, all that stuff about it being dissolved wisdom

from the universe, (chuckles) it's a lot of old rubbish.

(fire crackles)

- The Star. (Rincewind spits)

(Rincewind gasps)

- It's nothing to do with me.

- [Crone] Four of Elephants.

The Ace of Turtles.

- Death. (whimpers)

Is he really dead?

Oh.

(fire hisses)

- She said it's a sort of medicine.

So if you want to see your friend in this world again,

I should drink it if I were you.

- Well, if you're sure it's okay.

Can't make the beer taste any worse, can it? (laughs)

Well, he did take a spell for me, so here goes.

(stomach gurgles)

Well, actually, it doesn't taste too bad.

(mysterious synth music)

Oh, where am I going?

- Don't look back.

- But where am I going?

(blade scratches)

(eerie choral symphony music)

(Rincewind groans)

Oh, no.

Twoflower!

Twoflower!

Twoflower!

(clock whirs) (ominous orchestral music)

(Rincewind gasps)

Twoflower, there you are.

- What an amazing clock!

Rincewind, where are we exactly?

- We're sort of informally dead.

- Oh.

- Come along, look, we haven't got time to take pictures.

Let's go.

- It won't take very long.

- Poor light, three bloody years in F8 if you ask me.

(door creaks)

- Do your best.

- Look, what do you wanna take pictures for?

Can't you just remember it?

- Well, in years to come, when I'm sitting by the fire, I--

- Oh, you'll be sitting by the fire permanently

if we don't get out of here!

Quick, come on.

- [Death] Oh, I do hope you're not going.

I so seldom have company.

- We really mustn't keep you.

Get ready to run.

- Oh, but I've never been at Death's door before.

(punch thwacks) (Twoflower groans)

- Right, now, run!

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(horse whinnies)

Don't look back, don't look back!

I mustn't look back!

(horse clomps)

- [Death] There are worse things than being dead, you know.

- Name two!

(Rincewind and Twoflower yelling)

(horse whinnies)

- [Death] That always annoys me.

I might as well install a revolving door.

If I've got time.

(sword clangs) - Rincewind.

- Ah, oh.

- Hello. - Hello. (chuckles)

Did I move at all?

- No, you just looked at the fire as if you'd seen a ghost.

- Oh. (Twoflower groans)

Oh, you're alive. (chuckles)

But no thanks to yourself, Mr. would you like some berries

while you stick your sickle in my head?

Hey, ah, no hugging!

I do not hug.

Oh! - Oh, my head.

- You've been ill.

You've been hallucinating.

- Mm, well, if I've been hallucinating,

I bet I took some great pictures.

- Ah, no, no, no, no, you can't, no picture-ography.

The Horse people are very superstitious.

I'll put this in the luggage for you.

(mysterious orchestral music)

(door knocks)

- We'd better not be going somewhere next

where we need too much black.

- It wasn't like that.

It was a little cottage and everything--

- You see what you see, I paint what I see,

and I only see what's really there, see?

(door slams)

(lid thuds)

- What happened to old Galder's chair,

the one with lion arms and the ducks' feet?

- Oh, that, I had it burnt.

- But it was a priceless magical artifact,

a genuine piece of--

(glass clinks)

- Now, may I draw your attention to the agenda?

- What does a genda do?

- It's simply a list of things that we need to discuss,

top of which is the matter of Rincewind.

- And the star.

People are agitating, you know.

- That is item number two on the agenda.

Item number one is the fact

that you have failed to find him.

- So what are you suggesting we do about it?

- I'm not suggesting anything.

I've sent someone to find him.

- [Jiglad] Who?

- A hero.

- [Jiglad] On whose authority?

- Mine, I need no other.

- You've hired a bloodthirsty idiot

who can't walk and think at the same time.

- [Lumuel] How can you take anyone seriously when--

(men chattering)

- [Narrator] The hero, even at this moment,

galloping towards the Vortex Plains,

doesn't get involved in trading insults with wizards.

(horses clomping)

Not just because they don't take it seriously,

but because this particular hero is, in fact,

a heroine named Herrena.

(horse sputters)

(fire crackles)

(Cohen grumbles)

- The Horse People have decided--

- They hold Cohen in the highest regard.

- Cohen the Barbarian?

- I was going to mention that.

- But back in Ankh-Morpork, you said--

- I lied.

- The Horse People have decided to give you

mounts and directions to the River Snarl,

where you can catch a ferry back to the Circle Sea.

- You lied? - Yeah.

Ah, well, I'd like to thank you very much

because you've been most helpful

and it will be very different without you.

- You don't wish us to accompany you?

- No, no, we'll be fine.

- These are dangerous times.

- Yes, I know but I'm beginning to cope very well

with these near-death experiences.

- I just can't believe it's Cohen the Barbarian.

- Is he, perhaps, being sarcastic?

- No, no, he's always like that.

- He's got eyes, hasn't he?

- Yes, but he doesn't see things as other people do.

Take this yurt, for example.

Well, it's dark and greasy and smells like a very ill horse.

- Yes.

- Yes, but he would say that it smells

like the curious and rare resins plundered

by green-eyed warriors from the edge of civilization.

You know, and so on and so on.

- Well, he single-handedly defeated

the snake warriors of the--

- I could tell him to shut up.

- Yeah, no, he did and he apparently--

- No, I like his eyes.

They can see for 50 years.

I shall accompany you for the reason

that if anything should happen to you,

the legend would be besmirched,

(adventurous orchestral music)

but also on account of me chilblains.

- I'm coming too! (chuckles)

In case Cohen needs anything rubbed.

- It's even brighter now. (horses clomping)

What is it?

- Why does everybody look at me?

I don't know what it is.

It's probably a comet or something.

- I wonder if it's a sign.

- Will we be burned up?

- Well, how the hell would I know?

I've never been hit by a comet before, have I?

Walk on.

(playful orchestral music)

Have you combed your beard?

- Aye. (Rincewind laughs)

- I think she's taken a bit of a shine to you. (laughs)

- If I was 20 years younger.

- Yes?

- I'd be 67.

- Me, riding with Cohen the Barbarian.

Who could possibly attack us now?

(dramatic orchestral music)

(horses clomping)

- [Narrator] It is indeed a hundred miles rimwards

to the River Snarl, across the high plains

and down to the gloomy pine forest that lies rather closer

than is comfortable to the Trollbone Mountains.

The clue is in the title.

- Did we really have to stop here?

The River Snarl can't be that far away.

- The ferryman doesn't work at night,

so we might as well get some rest.

Besides, my feet are killing me.

- You'd have quite nice feet if only you looked after them.

- You don't get to meet many chiropodists

in my line of work.

I've met any amount of snake priests, mad gods,

warlords, never any chiropodists.

I suppose it wouldn't look right, really,

Cohen against the chiropodists.

- (laughs) Or Cohen and the Chiropractors of Doom?

(all laughing)

- Or Cohen and the mad dentists.

- What's funny about that?

- Oh, nothing in particular.

- I don't blame you.

It's hard being a hero when you've got no teeth.

Don't matter what else you lose.

You can get by with one eye even,

but show 'em a mouthful of gums and no one has any respect.

- I do.

(horse snorts)

- Why don't you have a new pair made for yourself?

- Well, I do have trouble masticating.

- Huh? - I beg your pardon.

- You know, chewing.

- Oh, yeah, chewing.

- They're called den-chewers.

- Time chewers?

- Dentures!

- Lots of people wear them where I'm from.

- What, and they don't just have to eat soup?

- No! (punch thwacks)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- That has to rank as the most pathetically easy ambush

in swordswoman history.

I've no idea why you're so important.

- Important?

To who?

- The wizards.

- The wizards?

- At the Unseen University.

For some reason, they want me to take you back.

It's a short ride hubwards to the ferry at the River Snarl.

From there, we'll be at Ankh-Morpork by morning.

- Excuse me.

- Yes.

- Well, do you think we could drop by

the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth on the way?

- Only if you want to ride a thousand miles

rimwards in the wrong direction.

- You mean you can't reach the Temple of Bel-Shamharoth

by the River Snarl?

- [Herrena] No, of course not.

- Oh.

Well, at least we'll be in Ankh-Morpork

for the special Solstice celebrations then.

- Oh, yes.

- What special Solstice celebrations?

- Never heard of 'em.

- So my guide wasn't gonna take me

to Bel-Shamharoth at all, was he?

- No, it was too dangerous.

Do you want half your money back?

Do you want all your money back?

- Look, it's not about money.

We're supposed to be friends.

We shook on it.

- Look, if you must know the truth,

I only agreed to be your guide

because the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork said

he'd do unspeakable things to me if I didn't!

So there you have it.

- Thank you for being honest.

- Well.

- They don't even celebrate the Solstice

in Ankh-Morpork, do they?

- No, and I'm probably the worst wizard

this side of the Circle Sea.

- And I thought everything was going so well.

- Yeah, well, you thought wrong.

(Rincewind sighs)

(ominous orchestral music)

(fire crackles) (Rincewind wails)

You're in great danger!

You've got to put the fire out!

- No, no, you're in great danger, and the fire stays.

Don't try to distract me.

- No, you've obviously never heard

of the legend of Old Grandad.

I knew it was around here somewhere.

When a troll gets older--

- There are trolls?

- He gets bigger and bigger, and this is a very old troll.

- Everyone knows trolls keep away from fire.

- But this specific troll can't.

- Can't?

- Can't?

- No, because you've lit the fire on his tongue!

(ground rumbling) (Bethan moans)

(people groaning)

(rocks rumbling)

(people shouting)

(man screams)

(people shouting)

- Hurry! - Is it an earthquake?

(Herren shouts) (rocks rumbling)

- [Rincewind] Come on, you two. (whimpers)

- Cohen! - Get up, you silly cow.

(wood creaks)

(rocks rumbling)

(troll roars)

(ground rumbles)

(Rincewind and Twoflower grunting)

- (wails) Come on, run!

(Rincewind and Twoflower groaning)

(ground booms)

I think we're going home in an envelope!

(rocks rumbling)

(birds chirping)

(Rincewind and Twoflower groaning)

- [Twoflower] Wow!

- If complete and utter chaos was lightning,

then being tied to you is like standing on a hilltop

in a thunderstorm wearing a wet copper armor

and shouting, "All gods are idiots."

- Thank you. - It wasn't a compliment!

- Oh. - Come on, let's stand up.

(Rincewind and Twoflower grunting)

(Rincewind sighs)

- Well, I'm off to see Bel-Shamharoth.

- Good luck, and I hope the spider

eats you and sod the Patrician.

I'm going home to Ankh-Morpork.

- Fine. - Fine.

(Rincewind and Twoflower grunting)

(Rincewind groans)

- [Twoflower] Happy now?

- I don't want to talk about it.

- We're going to Ankh-Morpork.

- [Rincewind] This isn't exactly what I had in mind.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(rocks crackling)

(people shouting)

- Hmm, is it just me, or does that look

rather like a very large target?

- [Townspeople] Destroy those wizards!

Destroy those wizards, destroy those wizards!

Destroy those wizards, destroy those wizards!

Destroy those wizards, destroy those wizards!

Destroy those wizards, destroy those wizards!

- The trouble is, the Archchancellor

is just not a team player.

- There is, of course, the tradition

of dead men's pointy shoes.

- You mean create a vacancy

in the Archchancellor's department sort of thing?

- Very well, we need a volunteer.

Anyone?

Any one?

Everyone then.

(librarian grunts)

- [Townspeople] Destroy those wizards!

Destroy those wizards, destroy!

(door creaks)

(ominous orchestral music)

(tile clanks)

(Trymon grunts)

(door creaks)

(Trymon grunts)

(liquid splashes) (Trymon roars)

(liquid squelches)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Trymon roars)

(Twoflower groans) - Wait.

(gong crashes)

(water laps) (wood creaks)

(Rincewind groans)

You're not the usual ferryman.

I've been here before.

The usual man is a big fellow.

Okay.

Two of you, grab him.

- Daft cow.

(Twoflower laughs)

(Rincewind groans) - You, shut up.

- [Herren] Let's see what's under that robe.

(adventurous orchestral music) (punches thudding)

- Hey! (laughs)

(hand smacks) (Herren groans)

(elbow thuds) - Kill 'em both.

I'll deal with this old fool.

(head thuds) (Rincewind groans)

(swords clang)

(punch thwacks) (Rincewind groans)

(swords clanging) (men grunting)

(wood creaks)

(men groaning)

(woman wails)

(swords clanging)

- Time to get going!

Come on! - I say, well done!

Excellent, sir! (Twoflower claps)

(bones crunching) - (groans) Pulled my back.

(woman shrieks)

(Cohen groans)

- Oh.

- I don't know who you are or where you're from,

and there's nothing personal about this, you understand.

(blow thuds) (Herren groans)

(body thuds)

(bones crunching) (Cohen groans)

- Are you okay?

- Ooh, my back is cured!

- My father used to recommend hanging from a door.

- We really ought to be going.

- I don't suppose you'd be interested

in selling the luggage?

- Oh, no, I couldn't possibly do that.

- I was looking for a present for Bethan, you see.

We're getting married.

- [Twoflower] That's great.

- We thought you ought to be the first to know.

- That's very...

- This is cause for celebration.

I'm pretty sure that I have

some travel biscuits and water in my luggage.

- Are you serious about getting married?

- Any objections?

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I was just thinking,

you know, that's she's in her 20s

and you are of the elderly persuasion.

- Time I settled down, you mean?

- No, I was thinking more of the,

physically, the age difference.

About...

- I see what you mean.

The strain, I hadn't looked at it like that.

- I hope I haven't upset anything.

- Oh, no, no, no, don't apologize.

You were right to point it out.

You know, sometimes, you just have to take risks.

Now don't be offended, but I think

we'll go ahead with the wedding anyway and, well,

just have to hope she's strong enough.

- Will we get to Ankh-Morpork by dawn?

- Absolutely.

Right, who wants to learn

how to row a ferry to Ankh-Morpork?

(sword clangs) (dramatic orchestral music)

(chains clanking) (Octavo grunts)

(window clanks)

(Trymon growls)

(door clanks)

- The reason that I have gathered you here today

is to announce that there will be a meeting,

with an agenda with just one item on it.

- An agendum.

- I'm sorry?

- We're assuming that this must be to do with the news

that your hero has failed to capture Rincewind.

- I don't recall you being minuted to talk!

(hand slams)

There will be a meeting to consult the Octavo.

- What?

- With only seven spells?

- Are you sure that's wise, Archchancellor?

- We have gone beyond wisdom.

(people shouting)

- Ankh-Morpork, pearl among cities.

There's no city in the multiverse

that can rival Ankh-Morpork for its smell.

- The star's coming down! - Ah!

- [Woman] The star!

- [Rincewind] Look, come on.

- [Woman] I don't want to die.

- [Man] Wizards, why have you let us down?

- [Cohen] Hey!

- [Twoflower] What's he doing?

- This is what I've been looking for.

We'll join you shortly.

- [Rincewind] What, a jewelers?

- It's a surprise.

You wait here, Bethan.

- Excuse me, why is everyone leaving?

- The star is gonna crash into the Disc!

We're all gonna burn up and die!

(woman shrieks)

- [Man] I don't wanna die a virgin!

- [Woman] Our things!

- The star is life, not death.

- [Twoflower] What?

- What what?

- Your voice, it just went all crackly.

It didn't sound like you.

- It's the spell, it's trying to take me over.

It knows what's going to happen.

- Why are they painting all the stars?

They think it'll ward it off or something?

- No, that's not gonna work, but I think I know what will.

Come on. - It's massive, move!

- The strangest thing I've ever made,

but practical, I'll give you that.

What did you say they were called again?

(chime rings)

- Den-chewers, made from trolls' teeth.

(Bethan gasps)

(Bethan laughs)

This is Bethan, my betrothed.

Is there anywhere around here

where I can get a wedding dress?

(Bethan yelps)

And a steak.

(people chattering) (fire crackles)

- What are you doing?

- Ridding the Disc of wickedness.

(books thudding)

- That's the Necrotelicomnicon.

- Yes, wizards use it to contact the dead.

How did you know that?

- Oh, I just, you know, just guessed.

- He's got a big box on legs, and he looks like a wizard.

(eerie orchestral music)

(door clanks) (Octavo growls)

- Gentlemen, the light, fantastic!

(dramatic orchestral music)

- We're safe, so long as we don't touch the book.

- Now, let's see.

"To appease it, the thing that is the guardian

"be silenced and return to the darkness."

- (growls) Oh, what am I talking about?

I can't do magic.

- What?

When I look at you, all I see is a wizard.

- Wizard? - Yes, you're a wizard!

Now act like it.

- Act like it? - Yeah, yeah!

- All right, stand back or I'll fill ya full of magic!

- All the magic's gone.

The star has taken it away.

- I mean it. (speaks in foreign language)

(spell sizzles)

(people gasping)

Oh, oh!

- All right, that's far enough!

We're heavily armed!

(Rincewind mumbles) What?

- I said, where is the luggage?

Where is your luggage?

- Well, I often don't know where my luggage is.

That's what being a tourist is all about.

(Rincewind sighs)

Right, I have a wizard and I'm not afraid to use him.

(Rincewind groans)

(people shouting)

(wood creaks)

(Rincewind and Twoflower yelping)

(people screaming)

(ominous orchestral music)

(lock clanks)

(men grunting)

(metal clanks)

- To the Great Hall, gentlemen.

(door creaks)

(lock clanks)

- [Wizard] He's locked it!

(Trymon cackles)

(wizards shouting)

(people shouting)

- The star has spots on it.

- No, no, they're not spots.

They're things, things that go 'round the star,

like the sun goes round the Disc.

They're closer because--

- They're definitely spots, yeah.

- Come on, ah, oh!

- [Townspeople] False wizards must die!

- Oh, right. - False wizards must die!

- Come on, let's go.

- [Townspeople] False wizards must die!

False wizards must die, false wizards must die!

False wizards must die, false wizards must die!

False wizards must die, false wizards must die!

False wizards must die, false wizards must die!

- [Lumuel] Is anybody in here?

- [Jiglad] We're running out of air in here!

- Please, anybody! - Come on.

The lower cellars are this way.

- [Wizard] Help, we're over here!

(ominous orchestral music)

(wizards wheezing)

- Anything that wheezes like that

can't possibly be dangerous.

- Don't, look back.

- [Jiglad] Is anyone out there?

- [Lumuel] Please!

(window clanks)

- Hello?

- Who's there? (Rincewind yelps)

- It's Rincewind.

- Yes, that's right, it's Rincewind.

- Rincewind.

- Did you bring the spell?

- Ah, who's in there?

- The masters of wizardry.

- (gasps) The masters!

Why are you in there?

- We got locked in.

- What, with the Octavo?

- The Octavo, in fact, is not here.

- Oh, oh, right.

(lock clanks)

- Now, look.

This is going to need a bit of magic

so be a good fellow, run along and find a wizard, would you?

- Run along and find a wizard?

All right, stand back!

Find something to hide behind!

- (laughs) What for?

- Oh, he means it.

When you see that vein bulging

in his forehead, he's serious.

- Will you shut up?

Right. (window clanks)

(wizards grumbling)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Rincewind grunts)

(spell buzzes)

(lock clanks)

(Rincewind groans)

(Rincewind gasps)

(Twoflower laughs) (door creaks)

(Twoflower laughs)

(Rincewind laughs)

- Did you see Trymon on the way down here?

- No, why?

- Because he's stolen the Octavo.

- Ooh, him.

- I always said he'd go a long way.

- And he'll go a lot further if he opens that book.

- Why?

What will happen?

- Well, one mind can't hold all the spells.

It'll break down and leave a hole.

- In his head?

- No, in the fabric of the universe.

He might think he can control it by himself, but--

- But he hasn't got the spell in your head, so--

(woman shrieks) (dramatic orchestral music)

- Come on!

(woman shrieks) (people shouting)

(woman shrieks)

- He's done it.

He's opened a pathway.

- [Twoflower] Are those things demons?

- Demons would be a picnic

compared with what's trying to come through up there!

- What do you propose to do about it?

- Oh, they said it's all over, do you see?

You can't put the spells back in the book.

You can't unsay what has been said.

- You can try!

(woman screams)

(Twoflower roars)

(people gasping)

- Oh, oh, get out of my way!

(woman shrieks)

(Rincewind pants)

(women shrieking)

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it!

Listen, you don't understand!

There's unimaginable horrors up there.

- I've always wanted to do something like this.

I mean, this is an adventure, isn't it?

- You are definitely mad.

- Shh, it's stopped.

(air whistles)

(book thuds)

- Huh?

(dramatic orchestral music)

They're blank. (Rincewind gasps)

They're all completely blank!

- Then he did it, he's read the spells.

- Successfully too.

- I think we should go up and congratulate him.

- Congratulate him?

- [Lumuel] When you're advanced in the craft,

lad, you'll find there are times

when the important thing is success.

- Well, that's no way to treat a book.

The spine's bent right back.

- All right, give me that.

A lad, am I? (chuckles)

When I've advanced in the craft, eh?

I've only been walking around for years

with one of the greatest spells in my head,

and didn't go totally insane, did I?

No, you didn't.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Where are the other wizards?

- Ah, Rincewind.

Join us, won't you?

The eighth spell,

give it to me.

Give me

the spell!

- No, you'll have to try and take it.

And I don't think you can!

- Oh, but I only have to kill you.

(Rincewind whimpers)

And it is mine.

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(spell booms) (Rincewind whimpers)

(librarian grunts)

- Ook.

- These statues look like wizards.

- [Rincewind] They are the wizards!

- They are? (spell booms)

(Rincewind whimpers) (stone thuds)

- They were. (spell whooshes)

- There are worse things.

I could clothe your body with ants.

- Ooh!

- I have the power-- - Hey!

I have a sword, you know.

(sword clatters)

(dramatic choral symphony music)

(Rincewind groans) (spell sizzles)

(Rincewind moans)

- (laughs) Pathetic!

- Pathetic?

I'll show you pathetic.

(Rincewind and Trymon grunting)

- [Twoflower] Hello?

(Rincewind and Trymon grunting)

Rincewind, where's the sword?

I'll get it.

(Rincewind groans)

(book thuds) No, yep, no.

(Trymon laughs)

(Rincewind groans)

- I have to warn you that I'm a real wizard now.

- Then join your fellow wizards, you turgid little wrm!

- Oh! - I have no need of you now.

- [Twoflower] Oh, there it is.

- Come, the little spell.

(Twoflower grunts)

Unto me!

(magic hisses) (Rincewind groans)

- Now, ah!

- Now what?

Oh, right!

(spell hisses)

(Trymon roars)

(Rincewind wails)

(Trymon groans) (body thuds)

(Trymon groans)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(Twoflower grunts) (sword clangs)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(wind whistles)

(Twoflower chuckles)

(pages rustling) (spells whooshing)

I suppose they're the spells.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- [Rincewind] Twoflower?

- Yes, is that you, Rincewind?

- [Rincewind] Yes, and I want you to do something

very important for me, Twoflower.

- Yes, I'm ready.

What is it you want me to do?

- [Rincewind] I want you to come over here and help me up

before my hand slips off this stone.

(book thuds)

- Oh, I'm glad you're alive.

- Yes, so am I.

Yes, could you now help me up?

(grunts) - That might be a little difficult.

- Why, what are you holding onto?

- To you!

- [Rincewind] Not me, besides me!

- [Twoflower] What do you mean, besides you?

- Oh, bugger.

I don't know why it is, but ever since I've met you,

I've spent a lot of my time hanging on

by my fingertips over certain depths.

Have you noticed that? (wails)

Oh, oh, it's you!

(whimpers) Oh, no, not again! (wails)

- No, no!

No! (Rincewind screams)

(Rincewind yelps)

(Rincewind pants)

- [Death] I think I've just had

another near-Rincewind experience.

- A little bit earlier would have been nice. (pants)

- Funny place to put statues, no one can see them.

Mind you, can't say they're up to much, very poor work.

(Rincewind groans)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- This, this is where we say goodbye.

Out! (groans)

(voices whispering)

(Rincewind pants)

(dramatic choral symphony music)

- What's he doing now, you bloody oaf?

(Rincewind speaks in foreign language)

- Isn't all this magic exciting?

- It's only lights.

He hasn't even produced doves

or billiard balls out of his sleeves.

(Rincewind groans)

Is that it?

(thunder booms)

(spell bubbles)

(spell booms) (monster growls)

(rock rumbles)

(rock crackles)

New worlds!

(turtle moans)

(rock rumbles)

(turtle moans)

(turtle moans)

- I must get a picture of this.

I might forget.

- How could you ever forget?

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

- [Twoflower] Got it!

- That's old Twoflower for you. (chuckles)

He just appreciates beauty in his own way.

I mean, if a poet sees a daffodil,

he stares at it and then writes a long poem.

But Twoflower would wander off and buy

a book on botany, and then, as he reads it,

he would tread on the daffodil. (chuckles)

- The star. (Twoflower mutters)

It's getting smaller.

- It's okay, I fixed it. (mumbles)

- Oh!

(birds chirping)

- It's like a sea of gold.

- Golden syrup, more like. (chuckles)

(playful orchestral music)

- [Narrator] That is a nice dramatic ending.

But life doesn't work like that,

and there are other things that have to happen.

There is the Octavo, for example, and many of the observers

realized that dropping towards them is

the single most magical thing on the Discworld.

(people shouting)

- [Man] Open it, come on, quickly!

- Okay, right, come on.

- Oh, dear.

- It's better off in there anyway, come on.

- [Narrator] Later, Twoflower did ask the luggage

what it had done with the Octavo,

but its expression could only be described as--

- What are they doing now?

- [Narrator] Wooden.

- They're trying to open the luggage.

Come on!

(door thuds)

(Rincewind sighs)

- [Woman] Over here!

- It's a nice day, air like wine.

- Rincewind, I've decided--

- You know, I think I might re-enroll.

I think I could make a good go of this magic thing

and graduate very well 'cause they do say

that if it's summa cum laude,

then the living is easy! (laughs)

- Well, that's good because--

- And of course, there's plenty of room up top

now that the big boys are on doorstep duty.

(pulleys creaking)

- Will they be able to be turned back?

(statue thuds) (librarian hoots)

- Probably not.

- [Twoflower] Will they be able to do something with Trymon?

- Yes, he'll make a very nice rockery. (laughs)

Go on, you go and sort this all out.

- Ook.

- I think I could do very well with this magic lark.

- The thing is, Rincewind, I'm going home.

- And a sharp lad who's had some experience

of the world could quite easily...

Sorry, what did you say?

- I said I'm going home.

- What home?

- Home, home, back across the sea where I live, you know!

- Oh.

- See, it occurred to me last night,

all this traveling and seeing things is fine,

but there's a lot of fun to be had in having been.

You know, putting your pictures

in a book and remembering things--

- There is?

- Oh, yeah, and the important thing

about having a lot of things to remember

is that you have to have some place

to go afterwards where you can remember them.

You see, you haven't really been anywhere

until you've got back home.

(people chattering)

- Oh, good.

Well, if that's the way you see it,

when are you going?

- Today, I think.

There's bound to be a ship going part of the way.

- Yes, I expect so.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Well, that settles it then.

He'll drop me at the Brown Islands,

and I can easily get a ship from there.

- Oh, well, great.

(Bethan clears throat)

Oh, you found a priest, then.

- Yes, and Cohen didn't even try

to kill him for his valuables.

- (laughs) It's a great dress.

- Thank you.

I stole it myself.

- Oh.

(lid thuds)

Look, this is for you two.

- Oh! - I know it can be expensive,

setting up home for the first time.

- Or a small kingdom, even.

(lid clacks)

(Cohen growls)

(Twoflower sighs)

(people chattering)

- I've also thought about something I can give you.

- Oh, please, really, no, you don't have to.

- It's all yours.

I don't need it anymore,

and it won't really fit on my wardrobe.

- What?

- The luggage, don't you want it?

- Ooh, luggage!

Ah, ah, yes!

I, um, but it's yours!

It follows you, it won't follow me.

- Ah.

Luggage?

(wood creaks)

This is Rincewind.

You're his now, right?

(wood creaks)

It doesn't really belong to anyone but itself, really.

- Yes.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Well, I guess this is it.

- Yes.

- Goodbye, Rincewind.

When I get home, I'll send you a postcard or something.

- Oh, come here.

(all laughing)

And any time you're passing,

someone here is bound to know where I am.

- Yeah.

Well, I guess that's about it, then.

- Yes, that's about it, right enough.

- Right. (chuckles)

Yeah.

- Right.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(ominous orchestral music)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(Rincewind sighs)

(wood creaks)

No, no, no, no, I don't want you.

I give you to yourself, you understand?

(wood squeaks)

(wood creaks)

I said I don't want you!

Go on, go away!

(wood creaks)

(Rincewind whistles)

(wood squeaks)

(wood squeaks)

(playful orchestral music)

All right, come on.

(wood creaks)

(water laps) (boat creaks)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(metal clanks)

- So, does that mean the Star Turtle's female then?

- Well-- - In my opinion,

it's all a question of perspective.

(dramatic choral symphony music)