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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:11,800 # Knowing me, knowing you 2 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:12,960 # Ah-ha 3 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:14,960 # There is nothing we can do 4 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,960 # Knowing me, knowing you 5 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,480 # Ah-ha 6 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:24,000 # We just have to face it, this time we're through 7 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,960 # Knowing me, knowing you. # 8 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,960 Ah-ha! APPLAUSE 9 00:00:46,640 --> 00:00:48,960 Welcome! 10 00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:53,640 Welcome to "Knowing Me Knowing You With Alan Partridge" - 11 00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:58,640 or "The Alan Partridge Show" as most people like to call it. 12 00:00:58,640 --> 00:01:01,800 It's easier - that's what I call it. 13 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:06,960 There's so much in tonight's show that at the end I'll be shattered, 14 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:10,640 or should I say chattered?! DRUMBEAT 15 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,960 LAUGHTER 16 00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:18,960 Last week I sacked my house band and their leader, Glenn Ponder. 17 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,960 That's TV. They had to go. 18 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:26,960 So now please welcome my new resident house band - The Eagles! 19 00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960 Or rather, don't. 20 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:32,000 Because Glenn has put a stop to that. 21 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:38,160 This week he obtained a court injunction preventing his dismissal. 22 00:01:38,160 --> 00:01:43,320 Please welcome NOT double platinum album-selling rock stars The Eagles, 23 00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:49,960 but Ipswich-based hotel-lobby wine-bar band, Glenn Ponder and Lazarus! 24 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:52,000 APPLAUSE 25 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,800 # Knowing me, knowing you. # 26 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:59,960 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glenn Ponder. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 27 00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,800 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Lazarus. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 28 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:08,960 Glenn, if this show was a motor-car, what kind of motor-car would it be? 29 00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,640 I've no idea. Chatty Chatty Bang Bang. 30 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,960 DRUMBEAT 31 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960 Glenn Ponder and Lazarus. 32 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960 APPLAUSE 33 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960 BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You" 34 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,160 THEME ENDS See... THEME ENDS AGAIN 35 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,960 See you in court. 36 00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:46,960 My first guest was born within the sound of Bow Bells. 37 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:48,960 He is a Cockney man. 38 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:55,960 30 years ago, he crawled out of the maggot-ridden cesspit that is the East End 39 00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:00,960 to become Britain's most colourful boxing and entertainments promoter. 40 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:07,960 All day he's on the dog and bone - phone. He's coming down these apples and pears - stairs. 41 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,960 I'm sure we're going to have a great bowler hat - chat. 42 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:17,960 Please welcome a very special antique Edwardian tea-chest - guest. 43 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:22,960 He was cleared of garotting a nightclub owner in Leicester Square. 44 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,960 Terry Norton! 45 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,960 # So I wanna know 46 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,320 # What's the name of the game? 47 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,960 # Does it mean anything to you? 48 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,960 # What's the name of the game? # 49 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:49,960 Ah. Nice whistle. Whistle and toot - suit! 50 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:54,960 Flute. Sorry? Whistle and flute. Yeah, yeah, whatever. 51 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:58,960 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Terry Norton. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 52 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,960 Now, Terry, you come from a very humble background. 53 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:10,960 But now you mix with the great and the good. A little Cockney whelk sitting on a plate of oysters. 54 00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:17,160 Do you ever think to yourself, "How did I get here, on top of this plate of oysters?" 55 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:24,960 Of course, Alan. It's a combination of determination, perseverance and a good head for business. 56 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:26,960 And, if I may say so, 57 00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,960 # Wiv a little bit 58 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:33,960 # Wiv a little bit of bloomin' luck. # 59 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:39,960 Is that fair? Yeah, well, you know, if you like, yeah. 60 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:45,960 We're the same. Two working-class boys, no education, no qualifications. 61 00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:51,960 But through sheer determination, we have made it to the top of the tree. 62 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:59,960 I must pick you up on a couple of points. I did go to East Anglia Polytechnic. You know what I mean. 63 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:05,960 Regarding working class. We did own our own home and we did holiday in Spain. 64 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960 Sometimes. 65 00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:14,960 I imagine you know Spain quite well, what with all your... all your connections. 66 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:21,960 I've got a villa out there, cut into the cliff, overlooking the Med. Just in case. 67 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:30,960 Just in case what? Just in case you need to go on holiday. Quickly. 68 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:36,960 You're leading me down a dark alley. That's the last place I'd like to be with you! 69 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:39,960 Why's that? 70 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:40,960 Sorry? 71 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:42,960 Why's that? 72 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,800 I just wouldn't. That's all. 73 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:53,800 Now, Terry, you've promoted boxing, snooker, bowling - crown green and tenpin - that didn't work. 74 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,960 Now you're launching a new promotion next month. 75 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:02,960 Tell us about that. I'm bringing back the beauty contest. 76 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:08,960 Times, fashion may change, but people will always want to look at lovely ladies. 77 00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,960 From now back to the Ancient Greeks. 78 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:14,960 Aristotle Onassis. Exactly. 79 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:22,960 I mean, whatever the women's libbers may say, Germaine Greer, Esther Rantzen... That lot. 80 00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,960 You can't change human nature. You can't. 81 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,960 I used to support women's libbers. 82 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:31,960 When they said, "Burn your bras". 83 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:40,320 Whatever they say, next month, live on Sky TV, it's Miss Great Britain - 84 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,960 and nothing can spoil that feast. 85 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,960 Absolutely. 86 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,960 We'll EAT some of that feast later - 87 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,960 Terry has cooked up a tray of "lady vol-au-vents", 88 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:56,960 if you will, which I will be EATING, or compering, later. 89 00:06:56,960 --> 00:07:04,960 Tonight I will be MC for the final heat of - and it's my home town - Miss Norwich! 90 00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,960 APPLAUSE 91 00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:11,960 Now, Terry - 92 00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:15,960 "Murderer! You killed my son!" 93 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:23,800 That was what the mother of the garotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square said to you, 94 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:27,960 as you were cleared of the murder of her only son. 95 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:31,960 The garotted nightclub owner of Leicester Square. 96 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:34,320 Did those words hurt? 97 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:41,960 Yes. I was in Leicester Square, but as was proved in court, I was hailing a cab at the time it happened. 98 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:48,320 Absolutely. We've got a reconstruction of that night, using professional actors, 99 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:51,960 some of whom have been in The Bill and Minder. 100 00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,960 Terry, that night - was it something like this? 101 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960 Taxi! 102 00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,960 Is that how it was? Well, yeah. More or less. 103 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:13,480 There were some people who said it happened like this. 104 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,320 Taxi! 105 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,960 How it didn't happen. What's that? 106 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,480 That's how it didn't happen. 107 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:35,960 That is a couple of ponces mincing about talking rubbish. Touched a nerve there. 108 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:42,960 I could have gone down. It was dealt with by the law. It's over. It's dead and buried. 109 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:50,960 Rather like the garotted... You're out of your depth. People get out of their depth, they end up drowning 110 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:55,960 Calm down. Do you want to get involved in this world? 111 00:08:55,960 --> 00:09:03,960 Nightclub owners in Leicester Square who get garotted? Ammonia in the boat? I'll get you involved. 112 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:11,960 I'll suck you in so far you'll get blown out the other side. Wipe that soppy look off your gormless face! 113 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,640 You wanna get sucked in? No! Well, you tell them. 114 00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:21,960 What was that about? A couple of ponces mincing about talking rubbish. Right. 115 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,960 APPLAUSE 116 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,960 Thank you. 117 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:33,960 Now, are we having a beauty contest, or what? Beauty contest, please. 118 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:38,960 I'll...I'll see you later for that. Thank you for that nice chat. 119 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:45,960 Ladies and gentlemen - Terry Norton, an innocent man! APPLAUSE 120 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:49,960 Now for one of the hit bits of my show. 121 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,960 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, another Alan Partridge, 122 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:59,320 in which I meet another man whose name is Alan Partridge. 123 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:05,960 It really is that simple. Two weeks ago I had a letter from an Alan Partridge in Preston. 124 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:09,960 He asked to come on the show tonight. 125 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,960 A week ago, he died. 126 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:16,960 I told his family I would honour the booking if they so desired. 127 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,320 They said it is what Alan would have wanted. 128 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,960 Welcome, with his family, Alan Partridge! 129 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:26,320 APPLAUSE 130 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:42,960 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, 131 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,960 knowing you, another Alan Partridge. 132 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,640 Rest in peace. Ah-ha. 133 00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:52,640 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Mary Partridge. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 134 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:53,960 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, 135 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:57,960 knowing you... I've forgotten your name. Liam. Ah-ha. 136 00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960 BOTH: Ah-ha. No, not you. 137 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,160 Ah-ha. 138 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,960 What was he like? 139 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960 He liked a drink. 140 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:10,960 He didn't suffer fools gladly. He had a temper. 141 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,960 Er, he...he... 142 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:24,960 He did like this show, didn't he? Oh, yes. It was his - what...? 143 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,160 ..his second favourite TV programme. 144 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,960 Yes. So, er... What was his first? 145 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:31,960 Baywatch. 146 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:34,960 About the beach people? 147 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,960 He liked the girls. Don't we all? 148 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:41,960 Let's hope there are girls in Heaven. If... 149 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,960 If that's where he's going, you know. 150 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:54,640 From what you say it's unclear. Perhaps there are girls in Purgatory or Hell. 151 00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:01,960 Um... But no-one leaves this show empty-handed, so... 152 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:07,960 I don't know why I'm being solemn. No-one leaves the show empty-handed. 153 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,960 And Alan gets this lovely headstone. 154 00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:16,960 It's a granite-marble mix in Normandy grey. Do you like it? 155 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,960 It's lovely. He was actually born in 1931. 156 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,960 What have we got? '32. Right. 157 00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,160 One year out. Not bad. 158 00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:33,960 I mean, if it's a problem, we can re-grind it. That would be great. Right. 159 00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:40,640 We CAN do it, it's just it will take a couple of weeks. It's only one year out. 160 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:45,960 He would like the right date. He'd got quite a temper. 161 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:50,800 He's hardly likely to display that now, is he? 162 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,960 But if you want, we'll get it done. 163 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:58,960 He would have wanted it. We'll do it! Thank you. Thank you. Sorry. What? 164 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,960 Sorry. Right. 165 00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:06,960 Well, er... Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge, his son, Liam, 166 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,480 and his lovely widow, Mary! 167 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,960 Well, as we heard, Alan was quite fond of pretty ladies. 168 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:27,960 So it seems appropriate that in his presence we hold the final of Miss Norwich. 169 00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,160 Mary, you have agreed, 170 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,960 with Liam and your uncle, Pete, 171 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,960 to judge tonight's contest. 172 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,960 Stand there. 173 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:42,480 Glenn, would you like to judge Miss Norwich? I'd love to. 174 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,960 Well, you can't. 175 00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:50,960 Now, if you're watching this at home, in your Parker Knoll armchair, 176 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:56,960 hit the recline button and relax as we go girl crazy with a bit of harmless fun. 177 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:02,960 That's all it is. Please welcome the finalists for Miss Norwich. 178 00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:09,960 The first contestant is Susan Atkinson. She's 20 years old. 179 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:15,960 Her vital statistics are 34-24-33, so she's slightly bigger at the top. 180 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:19,960 She's a shop assistant for Saxone Shoes. 181 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,960 She tells me the most popular shoes 182 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,960 are plain black lace-ups with six eyes. 183 00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,960 Contestant two is Donna Cookson. APPLAUSE 184 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,960 Donna is 20. ROWDY APPLAUSE 185 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,160 Come on, keep it down! 186 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:41,320 Donna used to dance in a nightclub, but it was closed down after a fire. 187 00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,960 Contestant three is 21-year-old Lisa Thornton. 188 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:56,800 Lisa is a nanny for a couple who - she tells me - make adverts and live in a converted barn. 189 00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:02,960 When she has the house to herself she dances round the living room to pop music. 190 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:07,000 She is the shortest of tonight's contestants. 191 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,960 Contestant four is Maria McNulty. 192 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,960 APPLAUSE 193 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,960 Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic. 194 00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:25,960 She tells me that, before each contest, she says a quick prayer. 195 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960 She has a 36-inch bust. Ave Maria! 196 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,960 Our final contestant is Siobhan Glukowsky. 197 00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960 APPLAUSE 198 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:43,960 Siobhan works in William Hill bookmakers. So what are her odds? 199 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,960 I'll tell you. They're 50-1. She's a rank outsider. 200 00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:52,960 Siobhan has a Polish grandmother who doesn't speak English. 201 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960 Those are tonight's finalists. 202 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960 APPLAUSE 203 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,320 INAUDIBLE 204 00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:04,960 Well, we've looked at their bodies. Now let's look at their minds. 205 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:09,960 Susan Atkinson, you work at Saxone Shoes. Yes. 206 00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,960 Do you get a lot of competition from Dolcis? Yeah, we do. Right, lovely. 207 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,960 Donna Cookson. 208 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960 CHEERS 209 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:27,960 You certainly have a lot of fans. Are you enjoying the competition? 210 00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,160 Yes, I am. Do you watch this show? 211 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,960 No. No. That's all right. That's OK. That's fine. 212 00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:38,960 Lisa Thornton. Do you have any hobbies? 213 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,320 Yes. I like swimming and dancing. Lovely. 214 00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,960 I've always wanted to meet you. 215 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,960 I like your moustache. Really? 216 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,960 It, like, really suits your face. 217 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,960 I keep it trimmed with nasal scissors. 218 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,960 Makes you look like Rhett Butler. 219 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,160 "Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." 220 00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:08,480 Of course I do. Of course I give a damn. 221 00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:09,960 You're lovely. 222 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,960 What's your ambition? 223 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,960 I'd like to work in television. 224 00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,960 Really? Great. Well, we should have a chat. 225 00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:29,640 After the show. You're all staying at the Holiday Inn? The others are but I'm staying at home with my mum. 226 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:30,960 Right. 227 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,960 You could just go to the hotel for a drink. 228 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:42,160 We'd get you a taxi home. I'll speak to your mum, if you want. Lovely. 229 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,960 We'll have a chat. Thank you. Good luck. Thanks. 230 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,960 Do you like animals? Yes. Do you? Yes. 231 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,800 Fair enough. Right. 232 00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,960 APPLAUSE 233 00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,960 Well, we've done them all. 234 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,960 So while the judges make up their minds, 235 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:10,960 I'm afraid you're just going to have to listen to Glenn Ponder and Lazarus. 236 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:17,960 BAND PLAYS: "The Winner Takes It All Number 3 has the best personality. 237 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,000 It's the best personality. 238 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:25,960 It's a majority decision, so let's leave it at that. But... Shut up. 239 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,960 Right. OK. Glenn! Glenn, thank you, Glenn. 240 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:37,960 Well, we have a unanimous decision. The winner of this year's Miss Norwich is Number Three - 241 00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,960 Lisa Thornton, ah-ha! 242 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:41,960 APPLAUSE 243 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,960 Lisa, are you pleased? Oh, yes! 244 00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:00,800 I didn't think I'd win. Why not, for heaven's sake? 245 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:06,960 I thought Number Two would win. This could be the start of a glittering career. 246 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,960 Who are you waving to? 247 00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,960 That's my fiance, Andy. Right. Andy. Right. 248 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:18,640 Miss Norwich, soon to be Mrs Norwich. Don't wave any more. 249 00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:25,960 Well, I said before that if this show was a car it would be Chatty Chatty Bang Bang. 250 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,960 DRUMBEAT 251 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,960 So now let's slip that car 252 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:35,640 into another pig's ear - gear, a more serious pig's ear - gear. 253 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:41,960 In a new regular feature I tackle the contemporary political issues of the day. 254 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,640 Partridge Over Britain! You can go. 255 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,800 APPLAUSE 256 00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:05,960 Next week the voters of West Chalfont go to the polls for a by-election 257 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:12,960 caused by the death of the sitting Conservative MP, Sir Maurice Christopher, who choked on scampi. 258 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,960 Let's meet the candidates. 259 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:22,480 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, on my left and to the left of most of West Chalfont, 260 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,960 the Labour candidate. 261 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:30,480 She's a teacher. She's divorced. She is Charlotte Fraser. Ah-ha. Ah-ha. 262 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:34,960 Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the Lib Dem candidate. 263 00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:39,960 He's a lawyer. He sits on Chalfont's education committee, and he's black. 264 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,960 Ronald Biggs, ah-ha. Ah-ha. 265 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,960 In the middle, me, Alan Partridge, ah-ha. 266 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,640 And on my right, 267 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,960 the Conservative candidate, Adrian Finch. 268 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:57,960 Adrian and his wife Rosemary have three lovely children. 269 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:04,960 You're also a fan of steam engines. That's right, Alan. It's full steam ahead for the by-election. 270 00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:09,800 Lovely sense of humour. Adrian Finch, ah-ha. Ah-ha. 271 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:16,960 The final candidate, who we have to have on - he's paid his deposit and that's democracy - 272 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:21,160 is Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III 273 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:28,960 of the Bald Brummies Against The Big-footed Conspiracy Party. Ah-ha. BRUMMIE ACCENT: Bald Brummies! 274 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:33,960 There's a time and a place for fun and it's not on this show. Right. 275 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,960 We'll open it up to my audience. 276 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:41,960 Throughout the questions, I will be remaining impartial at all times. 277 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,960 I will remain Pontius Partridge. So, er...so... 278 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,960 Any questions for the panel, please? 279 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,960 Yes, the woman with the high head. 280 00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:59,160 In view of the rising crime rate, would the panel consider the reintroduction of capital punishment? 281 00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:04,960 Charlotte Fraser, Labour. We see old women's faces in the paper. 282 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,960 Isn't the best way to deal with hooligans 283 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:13,960 to hang them till the spinal column severs, starving the body of oxygen? 284 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:20,960 Hanging is brutal and barbaric and the hallmark of an uncivilised society. 285 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,960 What about lethal injection? Gas chamber? Electric chair? 286 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:30,320 That's not really the point, Alan. All the indications... Firing squad. 287 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:35,960 The headslap. The headslap. Please don't... Please don't do that, 288 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:39,960 Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III. 289 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:46,960 There's no evidence to say capital punishment would reduce crime. It would reduce it by one. 290 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,960 Um...Adrian Finch, 291 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,320 capital punishment. 292 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,960 Will you pull the lever? 293 00:22:54,960 --> 00:23:01,160 Well, whether I pull the lever or not is not the question. Yes, it is. 294 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,320 LAUGHTER 295 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:08,960 The...the whole issue of...of capital punishment, of hanging, 296 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:14,160 is...is one wh...which must be addressed on a moral level 297 00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,960 by...by the public in general 298 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,960 um...before we can make any... 299 00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,960 ..absolute moral decision. 300 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,800 Good point. Very good point. Good point. 301 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,960 Ronnie Biggs, it's not yes or no, is it? 302 00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:37,960 Well, yes, it is. Good. No, I'm disagreeing with you. It IS a yes or no question. 303 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,480 No-one really cares. Yes, no, maybe - it's not life or death. 304 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,960 Well, yes it is. 305 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:49,960 Yes, but it's BORING. Right, OK, well. The phone lines are open. 306 00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,000 We have a call - David Silk from Leeds. 307 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,960 Are you there? 'Yes.' Are you wearing silk? 308 00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,960 'I'm naked.' 309 00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:04,960 What's the question? 'Who will have the bottle to tighten up the immigration laws?' 310 00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:10,960 Immigration. It's a political hot potato. Charlotte Rampling, catch. 311 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:18,960 Fraser. Immigration is one of those questions that comes up time and time again at meetings like this. 312 00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,960 There is a reason for that... It's interesting... 313 00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:26,640 Excuse me. He's TRYING to speak. 314 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,960 You're SUCH a rude woman! 315 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,000 Go ahead. 316 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,160 What...what we must do...absolutely, 317 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,960 is put in place a system of um... 318 00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,960 Headslapping? No. 319 00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,000 A system of... Headslapping? 320 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,800 I am trying to answer the question. 321 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,640 A system of... Headslapping? 322 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,640 You're putting me off. Please. I know. 323 00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,320 A system of... Headslapping? 324 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,960 A system of... Headslapping? A system of... 325 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,960 Headslapping? System of... Headslapping? System of... 326 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,960 IGNORE HIM! Ignore him! 327 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:17,960 Um...Charlotte... No, it's gone. 328 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:22,960 Fraser. Do you want to talk about women, or something? 329 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:27,960 I'd like to talk about immigration, as I was before you interrupted me. 330 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,960 Interestingly, people rarely mention the fact 331 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:37,640 that our immigration laws are some of the most stringent anywhere. Ronald? 332 00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:42,960 More people emigrate from the country than immigrate into it. Exactly. 333 00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,960 Shh-shh! 334 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,000 I've never done five. 335 00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:50,960 Great! Six. 336 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,480 No, sorry. 337 00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,960 All right. Let's have another question. The woman... 338 00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,960 The woman with this business. 339 00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:05,960 How would the panel create more cycle lanes...? That's a terrible question! 340 00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,000 Gentleman with the spectacles. 341 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,960 I'd like to ask... Hang on, are you a Slaphead? 342 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,960 I'm sorry? 343 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,960 Are you a Bald Kojak Bigfoot-hater? 344 00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,960 I just want to ask about sport. 345 00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,960 I'm sorry. Please go ahead. 346 00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:30,960 What are the panel's views on the possibility of the Bald Olympics coming to Birmingham? 347 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,960 Very good (!) 348 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,960 Bald Brummies! Bald Brummies! 349 00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,000 Who are you? 350 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,960 Who are you? I am Lieutenant Colonel Kojak Slaphead III. 351 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:49,960 No, you're not. I'll tell you who you are. 352 00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:54,320 You're entertainments officer for Warwick University Students' Union. 353 00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:02,960 Who's he? David 'arrison. Don't do that voice any more. Who's he? 354 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,960 David Harrison. What does he do? 355 00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,960 He's a tutor in Political Science. 356 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:12,960 And what....what are you studying? Law. 357 00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,960 What do your parents think of this? Not that keen. 358 00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:23,960 Everyone likes a bit of fun, but you're just wasting people's time. 359 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,960 Get yourself a girlfriend. 360 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,960 Well, I think we know a little bit more about... 361 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,960 Bald Brummies are back! 362 00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:35,960 Look at his slaphead! You are a bloody shit! 363 00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:42,800 You're a bloody, buggering, shitting buggerhead! Please, don't do that. 364 00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:51,480 I think he's just lost the safest Conservative seat in the country! 365 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:55,640 Full steam ahead! You bugger off! 366 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,960 Don't! Please! This is not political debate! 367 00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:04,160 If you're going to fight, do it in the carpark. Just stop it, please! 368 00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,960 Get security! Get security! 369 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:13,960 I'll have you! I'll have the both of you! Come here! I'll have you! 370 00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,160 Right! Right! Right! 371 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:23,960 On that bombshell, it's time to say - 372 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:27,960 knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, my guests. 373 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:31,000 Goodnight and ah-ha. 374 00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:45,960 Subtitles by Ali Bell BBC - 1994 32093

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