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# Knowing me, knowing you
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# Ah-ha
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# There is nothing we can do
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# Knowing me, knowing you
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00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,480
# Ah-ha
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# We just have to face it,
this time we're through
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# Knowing me, knowing you. #
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Ah-ha!
APPLAUSE
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Welcome!
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Welcome to "Knowing Me Knowing You
With Alan Partridge" -
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or "The Alan Partridge Show"
as most people like to call it.
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It's easier - that's what I call it.
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00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:06,960
There's so much in tonight's show
that at the end I'll be shattered,
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or should I say chattered?!
DRUMBEAT
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LAUGHTER
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Last week I sacked my house band
and their leader, Glenn Ponder.
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That's TV. They had to go.
18
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So now please welcome my new
resident house band - The Eagles!
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Or rather, don't.
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Because Glenn has put a stop
to that.
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This week he obtained a court
injunction preventing his dismissal.
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Please welcome NOT double platinum
album-selling rock stars The Eagles,
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but Ipswich-based
hotel-lobby wine-bar band,
Glenn Ponder and Lazarus!
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APPLAUSE
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# Knowing me, knowing you. #
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Glenn Ponder. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Lazarus. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
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00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:08,960
Glenn, if this show was a motor-car,
what kind of motor-car would it be?
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I've no idea.
Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.
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DRUMBEAT
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Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.
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APPLAUSE
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BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"
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THEME ENDS
See...
THEME ENDS AGAIN
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See you in court.
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My first guest was born
within the sound of Bow Bells.
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He is a Cockney man.
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30 years ago, he crawled out
of the maggot-ridden cesspit
that is the East End
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to become Britain's most colourful
boxing and entertainments promoter.
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All day he's on the dog and bone -
phone. He's coming down
these apples and pears - stairs.
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I'm sure we're going to have
a great bowler hat - chat.
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Please welcome a very special
antique Edwardian tea-chest - guest.
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He was cleared of garotting a
nightclub owner in Leicester Square.
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Terry Norton!
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# So I wanna know
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# What's the name of the game?
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# Does it mean anything to you?
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# What's the name of the game? #
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Ah. Nice whistle.
Whistle and toot - suit!
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Flute. Sorry? Whistle and flute.
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Terry Norton. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
52
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Now, Terry, you come
from a very humble background.
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But now you mix with the great and
the good. A little Cockney whelk
sitting on a plate of oysters.
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Do you ever think to yourself,
"How did I get here,
on top of this plate of oysters?"
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Of course, Alan. It's a combination
of determination, perseverance
and a good head for business.
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And, if I may say so,
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# Wiv a little bit
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# Wiv a little bit
of bloomin' luck. #
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Is that fair? Yeah, well,
you know, if you like, yeah.
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We're the same.
Two working-class boys,
no education, no qualifications.
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But through sheer determination, we
have made it to the top of the tree.
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I must pick you up on a couple
of points. I did go to East Anglia
Polytechnic. You know what I mean.
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Regarding working class.
We did own our own home
and we did holiday in Spain.
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Sometimes.
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I imagine you know Spain quite well,
what with all your...
all your connections.
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I've got a villa out there,
cut into the cliff,
overlooking the Med. Just in case.
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Just in case what? Just in case
you need to go on holiday.
Quickly.
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You're leading me down a dark alley.
That's the last place I'd like to be
with you!
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Why's that?
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Sorry?
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Why's that?
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I just wouldn't. That's all.
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Now, Terry, you've promoted boxing,
snooker, bowling - crown green
and tenpin - that didn't work.
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Now you're launching a new promotion
next month.
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Tell us about that. I'm
bringing back the beauty contest.
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Times, fashion may change,
but people will always want
to look at lovely ladies.
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From now back to the Ancient Greeks.
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Aristotle Onassis. Exactly.
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I mean, whatever the women's libbers
may say, Germaine Greer,
Esther Rantzen... That lot.
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You can't change human nature.
You can't.
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I used to support women's libbers.
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When they said, "Burn your bras".
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Whatever they say, next month, live
on Sky TV, it's Miss Great Britain -
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and nothing can spoil that feast.
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Absolutely.
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We'll EAT some of that feast later -
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Terry has cooked up
a tray of "lady vol-au-vents",
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if you will, which I will be EATING,
or compering, later.
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Tonight I will be MC for the final
heat of - and it's my home town -
Miss Norwich!
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APPLAUSE
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Now, Terry -
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"Murderer! You killed my son!"
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That was what the mother
of the garotted nightclub owner
of Leicester Square said to you,
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as you were cleared
of the murder of her only son.
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The garotted nightclub owner
of Leicester Square.
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Did those words hurt?
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Yes. I was in Leicester Square, but
as was proved in court, I was
hailing a cab at the time it
happened.
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Absolutely. We've got
a reconstruction of that night,
using professional actors,
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some of whom have been
in The Bill and Minder.
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Terry, that night -
was it something like this?
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Taxi!
102
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Is that how it was?
Well, yeah. More or less.
103
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There were some people
who said it happened like this.
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Taxi!
105
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How it didn't happen. What's that?
106
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That's how it didn't happen.
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That is a couple of ponces
mincing about talking rubbish.
Touched a nerve there.
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I could have gone down.
It was dealt with by the law.
It's over. It's dead and buried.
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Rather like the garotted... You're
out of your depth. People get out
of their depth, they end up drowning
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Calm down. Do you want
to get involved in this world?
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Nightclub owners in Leicester Square
who get garotted? Ammonia
in the boat? I'll get you involved.
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I'll suck you in so far you'll get
blown out the other side. Wipe that
soppy look off your gormless face!
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You wanna get sucked in? No!
Well, you tell them.
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What was that about?
A couple of ponces mincing about
talking rubbish. Right.
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APPLAUSE
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Thank you.
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Now, are we having a beauty contest,
or what? Beauty contest, please.
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I'll...I'll see you later for that.
Thank you for that nice chat.
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Ladies and gentlemen -
Terry Norton, an innocent man!
APPLAUSE
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Now for one of the hit bits
of my show.
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, another Alan Partridge,
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in which I meet another man
whose name is Alan Partridge.
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It really is that simple.
Two weeks ago I had a letter
from an Alan Partridge in Preston.
124
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He asked to come on the show
tonight.
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00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,960
A week ago, he died.
126
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I told his family I would honour
the booking if they so desired.
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They said it is what Alan
would have wanted.
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Welcome, with his family,
Alan Partridge!
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APPLAUSE
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
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00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,960
knowing you, another Alan Partridge.
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Rest in peace. Ah-ha.
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00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:52,640
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Mary Partridge. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
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knowing you... I've forgotten
your name. Liam. Ah-ha.
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BOTH: Ah-ha.
No, not you.
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Ah-ha.
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What was he like?
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He liked a drink.
140
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:10,960
He didn't suffer fools gladly.
He had a temper.
141
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,960
Er, he...he...
142
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:24,960
He did like this show, didn't he?
Oh, yes. It was his - what...?
143
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,160
..his second favourite TV programme.
144
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:30,960
Yes. So, er... What was his first?
145
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Baywatch.
146
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About the beach people?
147
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He liked the girls. Don't we all?
148
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Let's hope there are girls
in Heaven. If...
149
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,960
If that's where he's going,
you know.
150
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From what you say it's unclear.
Perhaps there are girls
in Purgatory or Hell.
151
00:11:56,960 --> 00:12:01,960
Um... But no-one leaves
this show empty-handed, so...
152
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I don't know why I'm being solemn.
No-one leaves the show empty-handed.
153
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:11,960
And Alan gets this lovely headstone.
154
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It's a granite-marble mix
in Normandy grey. Do you like it?
155
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It's lovely.
He was actually born in 1931.
156
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:24,960
What have we got? '32. Right.
157
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:27,160
One year out. Not bad.
158
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:33,960
I mean, if it's a problem,
we can re-grind it.
That would be great. Right.
159
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We CAN do it, it's just
it will take a couple of weeks.
It's only one year out.
160
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He would like the right date.
He'd got quite a temper.
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He's hardly likely
to display that now, is he?
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But if you want, we'll get it done.
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He would have wanted it. We'll do
it! Thank you. Thank you. Sorry.
What?
164
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Sorry. Right.
165
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:06,960
Well, er... Ladies and gentlemen,
Alan Partridge, his son, Liam,
166
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,480
and his lovely widow, Mary!
167
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,960
Well, as we heard, Alan
was quite fond of pretty ladies.
168
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:27,960
So it seems appropriate
that in his presence
we hold the final of Miss Norwich.
169
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,160
Mary, you have agreed,
170
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,960
with Liam and your uncle, Pete,
171
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,960
to judge tonight's contest.
172
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,960
Stand there.
173
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:42,480
Glenn, would you like to judge
Miss Norwich? I'd love to.
174
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,960
Well, you can't.
175
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Now, if you're watching this at
home, in your Parker Knoll armchair,
176
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hit the recline button
and relax as we go girl crazy
with a bit of harmless fun.
177
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:02,960
That's all it is. Please welcome
the finalists for Miss Norwich.
178
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:09,960
The first contestant is Susan
Atkinson. She's 20 years old.
179
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:15,960
Her vital statistics are 34-24-33,
so she's slightly bigger at the top.
180
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:19,960
She's a shop assistant
for Saxone Shoes.
181
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,960
She tells me the most popular shoes
182
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:26,960
are plain black lace-ups
with six eyes.
183
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:30,960
Contestant two is Donna Cookson.
APPLAUSE
184
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:33,960
Donna is 20.
ROWDY APPLAUSE
185
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,160
Come on, keep it down!
186
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:41,320
Donna used to dance in a nightclub,
but it was closed down after a fire.
187
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,960
Contestant three
is 21-year-old Lisa Thornton.
188
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:56,800
Lisa is a nanny for a couple
who - she tells me - make adverts
and live in a converted barn.
189
00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:02,960
When she has the house to herself
she dances round the living room
to pop music.
190
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:07,000
She is the shortest
of tonight's contestants.
191
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,960
Contestant four is Maria McNulty.
192
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,960
APPLAUSE
193
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,960
Maria is an Irish Roman Catholic.
194
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:25,960
She tells me that, before each
contest, she says a quick prayer.
195
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960
She has a 36-inch bust. Ave Maria!
196
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:33,960
Our final contestant
is Siobhan Glukowsky.
197
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960
APPLAUSE
198
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:43,960
Siobhan works in William Hill
bookmakers. So what are her odds?
199
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,960
I'll tell you.
They're 50-1. She's a rank outsider.
200
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:52,960
Siobhan has a Polish grandmother
who doesn't speak English.
201
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
Those are tonight's finalists.
202
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960
APPLAUSE
203
00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:00,320
INAUDIBLE
204
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:04,960
Well, we've looked at their bodies.
Now let's look at their minds.
205
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:09,960
Susan Atkinson,
you work at Saxone Shoes. Yes.
206
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:14,960
Do you get a lot of competition from
Dolcis? Yeah, we do. Right, lovely.
207
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:17,960
Donna Cookson.
208
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,960
CHEERS
209
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:27,960
You certainly have a lot of fans.
Are you enjoying the competition?
210
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,160
Yes, I am. Do you watch this show?
211
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,960
No. No. That's all right.
That's OK. That's fine.
212
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:38,960
Lisa Thornton.
Do you have any hobbies?
213
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:42,320
Yes. I like swimming and dancing.
Lovely.
214
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,960
I've always wanted to meet you.
215
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,960
I like your moustache. Really?
216
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,960
It, like, really suits your face.
217
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,960
I keep it trimmed
with nasal scissors.
218
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,960
Makes you look like Rhett Butler.
219
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:04,160
"Well, frankly, my dear,
I don't give a damn."
220
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:08,480
Of course I do.
Of course I give a damn.
221
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:09,960
You're lovely.
222
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,960
What's your ambition?
223
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,960
I'd like to work in television.
224
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,960
Really? Great.
Well, we should have a chat.
225
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:29,640
After the show. You're all staying
at the Holiday Inn? The others are
but I'm staying at home with my mum.
226
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:30,960
Right.
227
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,960
You could just go to the hotel
for a drink.
228
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:42,160
We'd get you a taxi home.
I'll speak to your mum,
if you want. Lovely.
229
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:45,960
We'll have a chat. Thank you.
Good luck. Thanks.
230
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:51,960
Do you like animals? Yes.
Do you? Yes.
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00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,800
Fair enough. Right.
232
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:56,960
APPLAUSE
233
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,960
Well, we've done them all.
234
00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:04,960
So while the judges
make up their minds,
235
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:10,960
I'm afraid
you're just going to have to listen
to Glenn Ponder and Lazarus.
236
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:17,960
BAND PLAYS: "The Winner Takes It All
Number 3 has the best personality.
237
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,000
It's the best personality.
238
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:25,960
It's a majority decision, so let's
leave it at that. But... Shut up.
239
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:29,960
Right. OK. Glenn!
Glenn, thank you, Glenn.
240
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:37,960
Well, we have a unanimous decision.
The winner of this year's
Miss Norwich is Number Three -
241
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:40,960
Lisa Thornton, ah-ha!
242
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:41,960
APPLAUSE
243
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,960
Lisa, are you pleased? Oh, yes!
244
00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:00,800
I didn't think I'd win.
Why not, for heaven's sake?
245
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:06,960
I thought Number Two would win.
This could be the start
of a glittering career.
246
00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,960
Who are you waving to?
247
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,960
That's my fiance, Andy.
Right. Andy. Right.
248
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:18,640
Miss Norwich, soon to be
Mrs Norwich. Don't wave any more.
249
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:25,960
Well, I said before that
if this show was a car it would be
Chatty Chatty Bang Bang.
250
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,960
DRUMBEAT
251
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,960
So now let's slip that car
252
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:35,640
into another pig's ear - gear,
a more serious pig's ear - gear.
253
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:41,960
In a new regular feature
I tackle the contemporary
political issues of the day.
254
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,640
Partridge Over Britain!
You can go.
255
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:47,800
APPLAUSE
256
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:05,960
Next week the voters
of West Chalfont go to the polls
for a by-election
257
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:12,960
caused by the death of the sitting
Conservative MP, Sir Maurice
Christopher, who choked on scampi.
258
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,960
Let's meet the candidates.
259
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:22,480
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, on my left and to the left
of most of West Chalfont,
260
00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,960
the Labour candidate.
261
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:30,480
She's a teacher. She's divorced. She
is Charlotte Fraser. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
262
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:34,960
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, the Lib Dem candidate.
263
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:39,960
He's a lawyer. He sits on Chalfont's
education committee, and he's black.
264
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,960
Ronald Biggs, ah-ha. Ah-ha.
265
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,960
In the middle, me,
Alan Partridge, ah-ha.
266
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,640
And on my right,
267
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,960
the Conservative candidate,
Adrian Finch.
268
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:57,960
Adrian and his wife Rosemary
have three lovely children.
269
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:04,960
You're also a fan of steam engines.
That's right, Alan. It's full steam
ahead for the by-election.
270
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:09,800
Lovely sense of humour.
Adrian Finch, ah-ha. Ah-ha.
271
00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:16,960
The final candidate,
who we have to have on - he's paid
his deposit and that's democracy -
272
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:21,160
is Lieutenant Colonel
Kojak Slaphead III
273
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:28,960
of the Bald Brummies Against The
Big-footed Conspiracy Party. Ah-ha.
BRUMMIE ACCENT: Bald Brummies!
274
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:33,960
There's a time and a place for fun
and it's not on this show. Right.
275
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,960
We'll open it up to my audience.
276
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:41,960
Throughout the questions, I will
be remaining impartial at all times.
277
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,960
I will remain Pontius Partridge.
So, er...so...
278
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:48,960
Any questions for the panel, please?
279
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,960
Yes, the woman with the high head.
280
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:59,160
In view of the rising crime rate,
would the panel consider the
reintroduction of capital
punishment?
281
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:04,960
Charlotte Fraser, Labour. We see
old women's faces in the paper.
282
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:07,960
Isn't the best way
to deal with hooligans
283
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:13,960
to hang them
till the spinal column severs,
starving the body of oxygen?
284
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:20,960
Hanging is brutal
and barbaric and the hallmark
of an uncivilised society.
285
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:24,960
What about lethal injection?
Gas chamber? Electric chair?
286
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:30,320
That's not really the point, Alan.
All the indications... Firing squad.
287
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:35,960
The headslap.
The headslap. Please don't...
Please don't do that,
288
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:39,960
Lieutenant Colonel
Kojak Slaphead III.
289
00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:46,960
There's no evidence to say capital
punishment would reduce crime.
It would reduce it by one.
290
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,960
Um...Adrian Finch,
291
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,320
capital punishment.
292
00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,960
Will you pull the lever?
293
00:22:54,960 --> 00:23:01,160
Well, whether I pull the lever
or not is not the question.
Yes, it is.
294
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,320
LAUGHTER
295
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:08,960
The...the whole issue of...of
capital punishment, of hanging,
296
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:14,160
is...is one wh...which
must be addressed on a moral level
297
00:23:14,160 --> 00:23:17,960
by...by the public in general
298
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,960
um...before we can make any...
299
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:23,960
..absolute moral decision.
300
00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:27,800
Good point. Very good point.
Good point.
301
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,960
Ronnie Biggs,
it's not yes or no, is it?
302
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:37,960
Well, yes, it is. Good.
No, I'm disagreeing with you.
It IS a yes or no question.
303
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,480
No-one really cares. Yes, no,
maybe - it's not life or death.
304
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,960
Well, yes it is.
305
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:49,960
Yes, but it's BORING. Right, OK,
well. The phone lines are open.
306
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,000
We have a call -
David Silk from Leeds.
307
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,960
Are you there? 'Yes.'
Are you wearing silk?
308
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,960
'I'm naked.'
309
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:04,960
What's the question?
'Who will have the bottle
to tighten up the immigration laws?'
310
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:10,960
Immigration. It's a political hot
potato. Charlotte Rampling, catch.
311
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:18,960
Fraser. Immigration is one of those
questions that comes up time and
time again at meetings like this.
312
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,960
There is a reason for that...
It's interesting...
313
00:24:22,960 --> 00:24:26,640
Excuse me. He's TRYING to speak.
314
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,960
You're SUCH a rude woman!
315
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,000
Go ahead.
316
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,160
What...what we must do...absolutely,
317
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,960
is put in place a system of um...
318
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,960
Headslapping? No.
319
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,000
A system of... Headslapping?
320
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,800
I am trying to answer the question.
321
00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:49,640
A system of... Headslapping?
322
00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:54,640
You're putting me off. Please.
I know.
323
00:24:56,960 --> 00:24:59,320
A system of... Headslapping?
324
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,960
A system of... Headslapping?
A system of...
325
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,960
Headslapping? System of...
Headslapping? System of...
326
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:09,960
IGNORE HIM! Ignore him!
327
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:17,960
Um...Charlotte...
No, it's gone.
328
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:22,960
Fraser. Do you want to talk
about women, or something?
329
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:27,960
I'd like to talk about immigration,
as I was before you interrupted me.
330
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,960
Interestingly,
people rarely mention the fact
331
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:37,640
that our immigration laws are some
of the most stringent anywhere.
Ronald?
332
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:42,960
More people emigrate from the
country than immigrate into it.
Exactly.
333
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,960
Shh-shh!
334
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,000
I've never done five.
335
00:25:49,480 --> 00:25:50,960
Great! Six.
336
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:52,480
No, sorry.
337
00:25:52,480 --> 00:25:56,960
All right. Let's have
another question. The woman...
338
00:25:56,960 --> 00:25:59,960
The woman with this business.
339
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:05,960
How would the panel create more
cycle lanes...? That's a terrible
question!
340
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,000
Gentleman with the spectacles.
341
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,960
I'd like to ask...
Hang on, are you a Slaphead?
342
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:14,960
I'm sorry?
343
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,960
Are you a Bald Kojak Bigfoot-hater?
344
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,960
I just want to ask about sport.
345
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,960
I'm sorry. Please go ahead.
346
00:26:23,960 --> 00:26:30,960
What are the panel's views
on the possibility of the Bald
Olympics coming to Birmingham?
347
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:32,960
Very good (!)
348
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:35,960
Bald Brummies! Bald Brummies!
349
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,000
Who are you?
350
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,960
Who are you? I am Lieutenant
Colonel Kojak Slaphead III.
351
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:49,960
No, you're not.
I'll tell you who you are.
352
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:54,320
You're entertainments officer for
Warwick University Students' Union.
353
00:26:57,160 --> 00:27:02,960
Who's he? David 'arrison. Don't
do that voice any more. Who's he?
354
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,960
David Harrison. What does he do?
355
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,960
He's a tutor in Political Science.
356
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:12,960
And what....what are you studying?
Law.
357
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:17,960
What do your parents think of this?
Not that keen.
358
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:23,960
Everyone likes a bit of fun, but
you're just wasting people's time.
359
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,960
Get yourself a girlfriend.
360
00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:29,960
Well, I think we know
a little bit more about...
361
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,960
Bald Brummies are back!
362
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:35,960
Look at his slaphead!
You are a bloody shit!
363
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:42,800
You're a bloody, buggering, shitting
buggerhead! Please, don't do that.
364
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:51,480
I think he's just lost the safest
Conservative seat in the country!
365
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:55,640
Full steam ahead!
You bugger off!
366
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,960
Don't! Please!
This is not political debate!
367
00:27:58,960 --> 00:28:04,160
If you're going to fight, do it in
the carpark. Just stop it, please!
368
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:08,960
Get security! Get security!
369
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:13,960
I'll have you! I'll have the both
of you! Come here! I'll have you!
370
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:20,160
Right! Right! Right!
371
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:23,960
On that bombshell,
it's time to say -
372
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:27,960
knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, my guests.
373
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:31,000
Goodnight and ah-ha.
374
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:45,960
Subtitles by Ali Bell
BBC - 1994
32093
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