Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,960
Paris - city of French people.
2
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,960
Home of Quasimodo,
3
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:10,960
Louis XIV,
4
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:13,960
Hercule Poirot and Sacha Distel.
5
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,960
City of lovers, of artists,
6
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,960
of the croissant, the cappuccino.
7
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,960
City of moonlight, of dreams,
8
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,960
of men in coats
meeting in brasseries,
9
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:33,960
and the setting for the fourth show
of Knowing Me Knowing You
with Alan Partridge!
10
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,960
# Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha,
11
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:48,320
# There is nothing we can do.
12
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:51,800
# Knowing me, knowing you, ah-ha,
13
00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:56,960
# We just have to face it,
this time we're through.
14
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,960
# Knowing me, knowing you! #
15
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,960
AH-HAH!
16
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,960
THEME MUSIC
PLAYED IN FRENCH CAFE STYLE
17
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,640
LOUD APPLAUSE
18
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,480
# Savant moi, savant vous! #
19
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:18,960
Bonjour!
20
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,960
Bonjour, bienvenue, tout le monde!
21
00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:24,960
Why am I speaking in French?
22
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:31,320
It's because tonight's show
is live from Paris!
WHOOPS
23
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:36,320
What was once a pipe dream is now
the Channel tunnel - a big pipe.
24
00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:42,960
Tonight,
we're building a new construction,
one invulnerable to terrorism.
25
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,960
It's a castle of chat,
26
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,960
a CHAT-eau!
27
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
LAUGHTER
28
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,960
Or, since we're in Paris,
a CHAT-isserie!
29
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:55,960
LAUGHTER
30
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,960
Please welcome my co-host,
a delightful French madame -
31
00:01:59,960 --> 00:02:03,640
although she doesn't
run a whore-house -
32
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:07,960
but she does have excellent
organisational skills!
33
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,960
France's Sue Lawley - Nina Vanier!
34
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:16,480
MUSIC: "Nina, Pretty Ballerina"
35
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:29,960
You won't find these
at your local B & Q. They're...
36
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
..French.
37
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:38,960
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Nina Vanier, ah-hah. Ah-huh.
38
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:43,960
I thought you'd say on-hon,
but...you didn't.
39
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:50,960
My British friends would want me
to say - we love the tunnel,
but don't send us rabid dogs!
40
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960
LAUGHTER
41
00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:00,960
We won't as long as
you don't send us any mad cows.
42
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:04,960
Our cows went mad
from being bitten by your dogs.
43
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:11,960
It's an interesting theory,
if xenophobic. No French.
44
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:15,960
Xenophobic is an English word.
45
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:20,960
It means
small-minded fear of other nations.
46
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:26,960
It's time to meet our house band.
They came over on the HoverCat.
47
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:31,480
Please meet Glenn...
Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire!
48
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:37,800
# Knowing me, knowing you! #
49
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:43,160
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Glenn Ponder, ah-hah. Ah-hah.
50
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,960
Knowing me, Nina Vanier, knowing
you, Glenn Ponder, ah-huh. Uh-huh.
51
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,960
And knowing you, Savoir Faire,
ah-hah. Ah-hah.
52
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,960
Knowing you, Savoir Faire, ah-huh.
Uh-huh.
53
00:03:54,960 --> 00:04:01,160
Glenn, I was walking in Paris
and I saw a madman
throw himself in the river.
54
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:05,960
Really? Yes, he was IN-SEINE
- in the Seine.
55
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:13,960
Seriously, Glenn,
are you looking forward
to the Folies Bergeres tonight?
56
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,960
No, that was last night.
57
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,960
What? Thought you knew.
We left a message.
58
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:25,640
Well, I didn't get one.
I was in my hotel room all night.
59
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,960
I ended up watching
"The Poseidon Adventure" in French.
60
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,960
There was no message. We left one.
61
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,960
Glenn Ponder and... Are you sure?
62
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:36,960
Yes.
63
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:41,960
Glenn Ponder and Savoir Faire!
APPLAUSE
64
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:56,960
Delia Smith, Keith Floyd,
Fanny Craddock and Mr Kipling
65
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:59,960
are all famous international chefs.
66
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,960
So is our first...MY first guest.
67
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,960
He's the most controversial chef
in Paris,
68
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:10,960
passionate about food but not the
stars who dine in his restaurant.
69
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:15,960
He poured rice pudding over Bryan
Ferry. And slapped Jeremy Irons.
70
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:23,960
He's wry, he's spry,
he's crisp-n-dry! Welcome
super-chef Philippe Lambert!
71
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,960
MUSIC: "Voulez-Vous"
72
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,960
You certainly smell French!
73
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,960
I mean...your aftershave
is very nice. Is it Aramis?
74
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,960
No, Alan, it's cologne.
75
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,320
Good smell.
Thank you. What's yours?
76
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,960
Er...Slazenger sports.
77
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:07,000
It's the stick type.
I...I don't use the roll-on
because it...er...traps the hairs.
78
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:13,960
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Philippe Lambert, ah-hah!
79
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,960
Ah-huh.
80
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:19,960
Now, Philippe,
you have very, very kindly
81
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:24,960
arranged some delicacies here for
us to pick at throughout the show.
82
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,960
I have to say,
this is a different world
83
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:34,960
to the universe of Hula Hoops,
cheesy Wotsits and Monster Munch!
84
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,960
What's your approach to cuisine?
85
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,960
I don't have an approach,
I have a reproach.
86
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,960
I am bored
by the restaurant industry.
87
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,000
To me,
it seems little more than a pig
88
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:53,960
endlessly regurgitating
and consuming that which...
89
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,000
..it eats...
90
00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:01,960
..without discrimination...
91
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,960
..without taste...
92
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:07,960
..or joy.
93
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:13,960
I'm not interested
in Egon Ronay's. You know,
I sent my Michelin stars back.
94
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:16,960
You sent them back?
95
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:22,960
You just peeled the sticker off
the window? No, no, no, no, Alan.
96
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,960
It IS quite hard,
but it can be done.
97
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:30,960
Soak a sponge in soapy, warm water
and hold it against the sticker.
98
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:34,960
Leave it for half an hour
and it'll just peel off.
99
00:07:34,960 --> 00:07:39,960
Thank you, Alan, I'll remember that.
Warm soapy water. Thank you.
100
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,480
It's got to be warm.
101
00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:50,960
Philippe, the other interesting
thing about your restaurant is
that it has no name. That's right.
102
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:53,320
It is, if you like, an irony
103
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:59,960
that while it has no name,
people refer to it
as The Restaurant With No Name.
104
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,960
Like Clint Eastwood.
105
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:04,960
What?
106
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,960
H'nn.
107
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:22,960
I just said,
it's like Clint Eastwood.
108
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:23,960
What is?
109
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:29,960
In the spaghetti westerns, he was
known as the Man With No Name.
110
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:38,480
It's an irony Jacques Derrida would
appreciate. Indeed, he regularly
dines and appreciates the irony.
111
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:43,000
Who's he?
Jacques Derrida, the philosopher.
112
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,960
I've never heard of him!
113
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:50,960
He's the most famous philospher
in the world! I wouldn't say that.
114
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,960
LAUGHTER
115
00:08:54,960 --> 00:09:00,960
Alan, would you care to name
a more famous one?
Yeah. All the...the Greek ones.
116
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:05,960
One who is alive. Who is
the most famous philosopher, Alan?
117
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:11,160
Peter Ustinov?
118
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,960
Yes, absolutely right.
I'd forgotten about him. Thank you.
119
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,960
I'm lost.
Your next question, Confucius(?)
120
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,960
I'm not confused.
121
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:32,960
OK, here's one. You are known
as the top chef in your field.
122
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,960
You only have one restaurant.
123
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,480
Berni Inn has thousands!
124
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:39,960
Jealous?
125
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,960
I don't know. Who is Berni Inn?
126
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,960
You've NEVER heard of Berni Inn?!
127
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:53,960
He's the most famous steakhouse
owner in the world!
128
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,800
Well, I'm sorry, Alan.
129
00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:02,960
Maybe Peter Ustinov and Berni Inn
should open a steakhouse together.
130
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:05,960
Have a steak and talk philosophy.
131
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:10,960
They could call it...Pete and
Berni's Philosophical Steakhouse.
132
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,960
It's a good idea.
133
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,960
Like that one, Alan?
134
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:20,960
Yeah. It's quite nice.
It's quite chewy. What is it?
135
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,960
It's beef. What sort of beef?
136
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960
Bull.
137
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,960
What...what part of the bull?
It's a gland.
138
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:33,960
LAUGHTER
139
00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:39,960
How...how many glands does...
140
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:43,960
LAUGHTER
How many of these glands
does it have?
141
00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:46,800
Two.
142
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:56,960
Ladies and gentlemen,
Philippe Lambert!
143
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:13,960
Now... No, that's me. Sorry.
Now, time for some light relief.
144
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:17,960
If I said clown time was over,
I'd be lying.
145
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:21,960
It's time now to
SEND IN THE CLOWNS!
146
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:28,800
I'm sure
I won't see the TEARS OF A CLOWN
because I'm told they're hilarious.
147
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:34,960
Welcome Pompidou prix de joie
winners - Cirque des Clowns!
Circus of clowns!
148
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,640
Ping!
149
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,960
No! NO!
150
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,480
No...
151
00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960
..no, no.
152
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:49,960
NO! No, no.
153
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:52,960
Cirque des Clowns!
154
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,960
Grow up!
155
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,800
CHORUS OF SHUSHES
156
00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:13,960
Thank you. Cirque des...
157
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,960
Cirque des...
SHH!
SHH!
158
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:26,960
I presume you're in charge.
Let me tell you...
159
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,960
..there's a security guard
called Steve.
160
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:35,960
I promise you, if you make
another sound when you leave here,
161
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,960
he will hurt you, physically.
162
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:41,960
Cirque des Clowns...
BARP!
163
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:44,960
They are...
164
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:50,960
Sorry, I haven't broken wind!
I haven't broken wind. That's them!
165
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,960
Cirque des Clowns will be doing
a tour of arts centres in Britain.
166
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,960
I'm sure
there will be tickets available.
167
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,000
You're a disgrace!
168
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,960
Cirque des Clowns!
169
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:13,960
Insanity!
170
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,960
What are you DOING THERE? GET OUT!
Why's he still here?!
171
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:22,800
Can someone remove this clown?!
172
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,960
Where's Steve?
173
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Backstage? No...he'll get him after.
He'll get him after.
174
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,960
I'll do it standing up!
175
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,960
I hope my next guest doesn't...
176
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,960
I'll do it here!
177
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:52,960
I hope my next guest doesn't suffer
from vertigo, because she's at the
HEIGHT of her profession! DRUMBEAT
178
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:57,960
She's a top international fashion
designer who hails from Lancashire.
179
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,960
Let me just say,
YOU look stupid, not me!
180
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,960
I'll do it on three.
181
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,960
On three.
182
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,960
She's a top fashion designer
from Lancashire.
183
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:15,960
I can't... Nina? Yes?
Can you get rid of him?
184
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,960
Alors, Toto, il vaut mieux pas.
185
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:24,960
Il n'est pas tellement experimente
avec quelqu'un de ton niveau.
Ah, bon.
186
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,960
Oui, merci.
187
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,960
There he goes...
APPLAUSE
188
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:35,960
There he goes,
tail between his legs!
189
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,800
STEVE, HE'S COMING OUT!
190
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:48,960
I hope my next guest has no vertigo
because she's at the HEIGHT
of her profession. DRUMBEAT
191
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:54,160
Sorry, what did you say to him?
It's not necessary to translate.
192
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:59,960
I want to know. You don't NEED
to know! I command you to tell me!
193
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:05,320
I said you are out of your depth
with an artiste of his calibre,
194
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:09,960
and your lack of experience
makes you unable to cope.
195
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960
Thank you.
196
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:21,000
I hope my next guest has no vertigo
because she's at the height
of her profession. DRUMBEAT
197
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,960
You don't need to do it now!
198
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:29,960
She arrived by train
because she doesn't like flying.
She does have vertigo.
199
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:35,960
She caught the train at Waterloo.
Fashion guru, Yvonne Boyd!
From WATERLOO!
200
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:39,160
BAND PLAYS "Waterloo"
201
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:03,960
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Yvonne Boyd, ah-hah!
202
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,480
Want me to say ah-ha? Please.
203
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:07,960
Ah-ha.
204
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:14,960
I'm a big fan of your clothes.
I love the outfit you are wearing.
205
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,960
I didn't know
you also did pantomime.
206
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,960
What do you mean?
207
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:27,960
I presume you're Widow Twankey?
No. Are you an Ugly Sister?
208
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:31,960
These are YVONNE'S clothes.
Sorry, I thought you did panto.
209
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,960
No, I don't do pantomime.
210
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,960
Well, maybe you should.
211
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:43,960
You've got the clothes
and, without being vulgar,
the money is good.
212
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:50,160
It's worth considering.
Peter Pan, Widow Twankey, Buttons!
213
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:58,960
Can you talk us through
the thinking behind your outfit?
214
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:02,960
It's a sort of fin-de-siecle
ghost in the machine.
215
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:08,960
Is that the distributor cap
off a Ford Mondeo? I've no idea.
216
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
Let's see.
217
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:16,960
Yes, it is.
Do you drive a Ford Mondeo?
No. I don't drive.
218
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:24,960
I don't like cars. Doesn't drive,
fly, or do panto. What DO you do?
I design clothes.
219
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,960
That all? Yes. That's interesting.
220
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:35,640
While you're a master of one trade,
I like to think
I'm an ALAN of all trades!
221
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:38,960
I've got a surprise for you, Yvonne.
222
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:43,960
This is a new regular section
of the show called Alan's Trades!
223
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,960
I'll demonstrate a trade
that I'm an Alan of.
224
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,960
This week's Alan Trade is fashion.
225
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,960
Now, I'm not Giorgio Armani -
226
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,960
I'm Alan Partridge -
227
00:18:55,960 --> 00:19:02,960
but my name has become associated
with a certain look
that I'd define as sports casual.
228
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:08,960
Yvonne, tell me what you think
as we look at a Partridge in Paris!
229
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,960
A. Partridge in Paris -
ALAN Partridge in Paris.
230
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:18,960
The first look is what you'd wear
to drive to Paris -
231
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,960
canary yellow shirt,
blue stay-creased action slacks,
232
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,960
cap, polaroids,
tan driving gloves.
233
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:30,960
It says,
"I'm in control of my vehicle!"
234
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,960
Who's this cool customer?
235
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,960
Ice white shoes,
socks with navy double cadet stripe,
236
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:42,960
shorts, T-shirt with chevron
action flash - L'homme du sport!
237
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:49,960
Man of sport. The tossed pink
sweater that says, "I'm in Paris
and nothing's going to stop me!"
238
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:52,480
That's the Eiffel Tower.
239
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:55,960
The classic
English gentleman abroad.
240
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:59,960
It's David Niven, Stewart Granger,
Nigel Havers.
241
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,800
The look - imperial leisure!
242
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:07,960
Offset the look with those four
reliables - hat, cravat, specs,
243
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,960
and, a touch of class,
the Alan Partridge blazer badge!
244
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:16,960
I'll describe the blazer badge.
245
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,640
In the... I'll do it next week.
246
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:24,960
The place - Champs Elysees.
The man - Alan Partridge.
247
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
The look - strolling pastel!
248
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:32,000
A classic summer suit with
the omission of long trousers.
249
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,960
A Partridge in Paris!
250
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,960
APPLAUSE
251
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:44,960
Yvonne, is fashion a necessity
of culture or a cultural necessity?
252
00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:45,960
Wait.
253
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:46,960
LAUGHTER
254
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:53,000
It appears to be happy hour
at Pete and Berni's
Philosophical Steakhouse!
255
00:20:55,640 --> 00:21:01,640
Fashion is a necessity of culture.
Clothes just cover up our nakedness.
256
00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:05,960
Underneath our clothes,
we're all naked. Even Alan.
257
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,960
No, I'm not.
LAUGHTER
258
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:14,960
All we are saying is that under your
clothes, you are naked. No, I'm not.
259
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:21,960
Now, Yvonne,
we're about to see some clothes
from your menswear collection.
260
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,960
Now, the theme of my collection
was sports casual.
261
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:31,960
Now, bearing in mind
that Pete and Berni's is CLOSED,
262
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,960
what's the theme of your collection?
263
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:40,960
The futility of mortality.
Why do I bother?!
Bring on the models.
264
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,160
The first model is Tor.
265
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:51,960
Tor's cap and shorts
are made of bandages.
266
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,960
His linen jacket
has real surgical stitching.
267
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:02,960
He also has a little truss on,
which is a sort of ironic bum-bag.
268
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:10,000
Is this man injured? No.
The whole collection is based
on images of hospitalisation.
269
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:14,960
You've had an op, you want
to look good on the ward...
270
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,960
..that's what you wear. No.
271
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:22,960
You wear them on the street.
He's wearing slippers!
272
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:27,960
The only man I know who wears
slippers outside is called Duggie.
273
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:32,960
He wanders round Norwich shopping
precinct with a Cornish pasty,
274
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,960
shouting, "Get away, it's a bomb!"
275
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,960
He's insane.
276
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,960
Maybe he's sane and we're all mad.
277
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,960
LAUGHTER
Anyway, the next model...
278
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,960
..the next one is Newman.
279
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:55,960
Newman has got a more formal look.
That's beautiful, Yvonne. Thank you.
280
00:22:57,160 --> 00:23:05,000
Here, you see, I've broken up
the classic lines of the suit
with a saline drip on an umbrella...
281
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:12,000
..and with a pair of brogues,
one of which is orthopaedic.
282
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,640
Looks like he's been in a car crash!
283
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:21,960
The final model is Matt.
This plays with ideas
of constriction and freedom.
284
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:30,800
Just as the plaster boots impede,
the bandage kilt liberates.
285
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:35,960
This corn plaster waistcoat -
are they used? For goodness' sake!
286
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:38,160
Don't be so ludicrous!
287
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:44,640
I'm being told I'm ludicrous
by Mrs Whippy-head(!)
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
288
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:50,960
That's my collection.
Yvonne, it's a triumph!
289
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,960
Thank you. Thank you, Nina.
290
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,960
APPLAUSE
Sorry, I... Yeah, yeah.
291
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:03,960
Sorry, I've got to ask
a couple of questions.
292
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:05,960
What's round this man's midriff?
293
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:09,960
It's a blood-bag. What if it bursts?
294
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,960
You mop it up. What with?
With the eye-patch.
295
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,640
It's no problem.
296
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:22,480
I mean, what if your nose bleeds?
What if your arm bursts?
297
00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,960
LAUGHTER
What?
298
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:29,320
What? What if your arm bursts?
299
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:35,960
I've heard of a nosebleed,
but in my 14 years
of professional broadcasting,
300
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:40,960
including three years
as a hospital radio disc jockey,
301
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:44,960
I've never had anyone say,
"My arm's just burst.
302
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,960
"Could you play a dedication?"
303
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:54,960
You've just got me on here to
ridicule the clothes. I'll show you!
304
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,960
You with the orthopaedic shoe...
Newman.
305
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:02,640
Newman,
just walk here and walk back.
306
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,960
That man has no dignity!
What IS dignity?!
307
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:18,960
That...THAT is dignity!
LAUGHTER
308
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:20,960
More or less.
309
00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:23,960
No-one will wear these clothes.
310
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,960
They're rubbish!
311
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:30,960
Ordinary people do not like them.
I like them. So do I.
312
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,800
You're not ordinary. You're French!
313
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:39,160
What are you two staring at?
You look like the Steptoe wives.
314
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,960
LAUGHTER
315
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:44,960
I think you mean
the Stepford wives.
316
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,960
I thought you French
were good at chatting -
317
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:52,960
sitting in brasseries, chomping
onions and going oh-hi-hon-hi-hon!
318
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,960
You're just being racist. I'm not.
319
00:25:55,960 --> 00:26:00,640
French people go oh-hi-hon-hi-hon.
That's a FACT!
320
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,960
We've come to the end of the show.
321
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:13,960
I've enjoyed it. I'd like to think
our two nations are closer than
they were at the start of the show.
322
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:18,960
It simply remains for me to thank
my co-host. It's been a pleasure.
323
00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:24,960
Doing anything interesting tonight?
I'm too exhausted after last night.
324
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:28,960
Why's that?
I went to the Folies Bergeres.
325
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:33,960
Oh, so did Glenn Ponder.
I was there, too. I was there.
326
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,960
My models were there.
327
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:40,160
Glenn invited us.
The clowns were there.
328
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:45,160
The CLOWNS?! Yes. Your security
guard, Steve, he was there.
329
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:50,960
No?! He is good friends with the
clowns. The band were there, too.
330
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:54,960
The ba...?
You! Accordion man, were you there?
331
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:56,640
Yeah.
332
00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:00,960
PHILIPPE: Everyone except you, Alan.
GLENN...
333
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,960
..why didn't you invite me?
I left a message.
334
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:10,960
I'm going to ask you a question and
I want an honest, truthful answer.
335
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:13,960
Did you leave a message
for me last night?
336
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:14,960
No.
337
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,960
Thank you. Quite honestly, Alan,
338
00:27:21,960 --> 00:27:29,960
I didn't think they'd let you in.
There was sign saying "No jeans.
No trainers. No sports casual wear!"
339
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:37,480
Just a joke. Just a joke, huh?
340
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:43,960
Here's a good joke. There's
this bloke called Glenn Ponder.
341
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:50,960
He's playing jazz synthesiser
in a Norwich wine bar! In walks
Alan, who gives him a big break.
342
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:54,800
Glenn gets lippy.
Glenn gets the sack!
343
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,960
LAUGHTER
344
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:01,480
What do you mean?
You're sacked!
345
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,960
You are sacked! I'm sacking you!
346
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:08,960
In fact, it's happened. You are
a sacked man! You've BEEN sacked!
347
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:13,960
I want you off these premises
in ten minutes!
348
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:17,960
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
SACKING you, Glenn Ponder!
349
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:19,960
AH-HAH!
350
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,160
APPLAUSE
And...on that bombshell,
351
00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:29,960
it's knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Monsieur Testicle,
you, pantomime cow
352
00:28:29,960 --> 00:28:33,480
and you, Ms Oh-hi-hon-hi-hon!
353
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,960
Goodnight, arrivederci and AH-HAH!
354
00:28:36,960 --> 00:28:40,960
BAND STARTS OUTRO MUSIC
Not you! Not YOU!
355
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,960
JUST YOU!
356
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,640
SOLO ACCORDION PLAYS
29301
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof