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00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,960
# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
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# There is nothing we can do
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# Knowing me, knowing you, a-ha
4
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# We just have to face it
This time we're through
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# Knowing me, knowing you. #
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A-ha!
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APPLAUSE
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Welcome!
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Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You,
with me, Alan Partridge.
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Tonight, I am a rocket.
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Prepare to board Sputnik Partridge,
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and enter the stratosphere, or,
should I say, the CHATosphere!
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00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,960
Tonight's show is...
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Tss! ..hot!
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How hot?
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Well, imagine Debbie Harry
in camiknickers,
17
00:01:16,960 --> 00:01:19,960
spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo
to Pan's People,
18
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,960
in a sauna, in Bangkok.
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That's half as hot
as tonight's show,
20
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because among my guests I've got
the sexiest dance act in Europe,
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Hot Pants.
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And, for the first time
on an English-speaking chat show,
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a jacuzzi!
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APPLAUSE
It's time now to welcome
25
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my resident house band,
Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!
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THEY PLAY SIGNATURE TUNE
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glenn Ponder.
A-ha. A-ha.
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Ferrari! A-ha. A-ha.
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00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:08,960
Glenn, if this show was a train,
do you know what kind it'd be? No.
30
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The CHATtanooga Choo-choo!
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But seriously...
TRAIN WHISTLE
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What was that whistle noise?
33
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Meant to be the train, Alan.
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You didn't do that in rehearsal.
Meant to be a surprise.
35
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Surprise me in rehearsal, Glenn.
Don't surprise me
on a live television show.
36
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Little bit naughty, that.
37
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Glenn Ponder and Ferrari!
38
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Ooh, this show is hot.
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Can really work up a thirst.
40
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,960
My first guest is a singer.
41
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She's 41.
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24 years ago,
43
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she was working in a shoe shop
in Kansas City.
44
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A man came in and asked for a pair
of size eight green platform shoes.
45
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As she slipped them on him,
she sang to herself.
46
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He said, "I won't have these.
The bridge is too low."
Those were his actual words.
47
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"They don't fit, but your beautiful
voice fits your face like a slipper.
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"I'm going to make you a star."
49
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That man was Neil Sedaka.
50
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He's not doing so well, but she is.
51
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America's biggest sensation, except
Barbra Streisand and Liza Minnelli.
52
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Please welcome Gina Langland!
53
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# Thank you for the music
54
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# The songs I'm singing
55
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# Thanks for all the joy
I'm bringing
56
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:09,960
# Thank you for the music
For giving it to me. #
57
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:16,960
Oh, dear. Got an extra kiss
for free, there.
58
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Not that you normally charge.
59
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Now...
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Now, Gina, you...
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..you can't stay long, cos you're
due on stage soon at Earl's Court
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for the closing night of your tour.
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It's been wonderful, Alec.
I had no idea I had so many fans.
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Why book Earl's Court? It's massive.
65
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Because it's just a wonderful venue.
It is.
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They do the Ideal Homes Exhibition.
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I, er...
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I nearly opened it last year
but I was pipped at the post
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by Dave Lee Travis...again!
70
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,960
Now, Gina, we've got about four
minutes left. Less now, actually.
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It would be great
if you could stay a bit longer.
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I'd love to stay for the whole show,
Alec, but I can't.
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We don't actually want you to stay
for the WHOLE show.
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We just want you to stay
a little bit longer.
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We HAVE got other guests.
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We've got Hot Pants.
Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!
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Now, there's a present I want to
give to you, right now.
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This is a new regular section of
the show called "Alan's Big Pocket".
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I put my hand into my big pocket
and I produce something
I think my guest will like.
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So will you now please bring on
Alan's Big Pocket!
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APPLAUSE
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Well, here it is, Alan's Big Pocket.
83
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And as you can see,
it's a top jacket pocket.
84
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Let's turn out Alan's Big Pocket
and see what's in it.
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It's two Victorian dogs!
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APPLAUSE
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This one's, er...
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This is Sherlock Holmes.
That's Queen Victoria.
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Gina, when I was on the phone
to your manager in Los Angeles,
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he mentioned
that you collect Victorian dogs.
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Voila, courtesy of Alan Partridge.
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Victorian dolls.
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What? I collect Victorian dolls.
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Not Victorian dogs.
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Well, what ARE Victorian dogs?
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I've no idea.
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We thought they'd be
something like this.
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Listen, take them with you
in the car to Earl's Court.
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If you don't like them,
just let them out near the railway.
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I can't do that. OK, we'll do it.
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Get rid of the dogs.
Ladies and gentlemen, two dogs!
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APPLAUSE
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Sorry, Alec. Alan.
It was a lovely thought.
104
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Do you always do Alec's Big Pocket?
ALAN's Big Pocket.
105
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Do people stop you in the street and
say, "Hey, Alec..." Are you deaf?
106
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I'm sorry?
107
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Yes, people do stop me.
Do you know what I do?
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To save time - you'll like this -
I have this.
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It's a stamp
with my autograph on it. Ah!
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Basically, what I do,
they give me a card, like this,
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and I simply take the card,
and I stamp my signature on.
112
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See? I give them that.
That's my name. You read that.
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Alec Partridge.
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Read what it says. Alec Partridge.
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No, it says Alan. ALAN Partridge.
Why?
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Because that's my name!
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Oh, my God!
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I'm so sorry!
119
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It's OK.
120
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You must have thought
I was being so rude, Alec!
121
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Alan!
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Alan! Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan
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Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan-Alan.
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My name is Alan Partridge.
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That's who I am. There.
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Alan Partridge. There's no excuse.
127
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It's the wrong way up. Right. There.
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Fine.
129
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Can we sing the song now? Yes.
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Before Gina goes, I'd like
to ask her one more question.
131
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Gina, do you like Abba? I love Abba.
132
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Would you do a medley with me now?
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I couldn't possibly.
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Oh, why not, for goodness' sake?
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Because...Alan...
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# I'm nothing special
137
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# In fact, I'm a bit of a bore... #
138
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No, you're not.
139
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But if I tell a joke,
you've probably heard it before.
140
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I don't believe that. You have.
141
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# But I have a talent
142
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# A wonderful thing
143
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# Cos everyone listens
when I start to sing
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# I'm so grateful and proud
145
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# All I want is to sing it out
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# Lou-ou-ou-ou-ou-oud
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# Take-a-chance-chance-take-a-chance
take-a-take-a-chance
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# If you change your mind
149
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# I'm the first in line
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# Honey, I'm still free
151
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# Take a chance on me
152
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# If you need me, let me know
153
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# Gonna be around
154
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# If you've got no place to go
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# And you're feeling down
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# Take a chance on me... #
157
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That's all I ask, honey!
158
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# Take a chance on me...
159
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# Chiquitita, you and I know
160
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# Can you see the stars, Fernando?
161
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# The winner takes it all
162
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# Mamma mia
163
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# Here I go again
164
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# I have a dream
165
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# Gimme, gimme, gimme
166
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# A man after midnight
167
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# Voulez-vous
168
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A-ha!
169
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# Take it now or leave it
A-ha!
170
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# Now is all we get
171
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A-ha!
172
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# Nothing promised, no regrets
173
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Rub-a-dub-a!
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# Voulez-vous
A-ha!
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# Ain't no big decision
A-ha!
176
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# You know what to do
A-ha!
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# I guessed you'll say voulez-vous
Rub-a-dub-a!
178
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# Voulez-vous...
179
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,960
# You can dance
180
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,960
# You can jive
181
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,960
# Having the time of your life
182
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:09,960
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
183
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,960
# See that girl
184
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960
# Watch that scene
185
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,960
# Digging the
Dancing Queen
186
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960
HIGH:
# Thank you for the music
187
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,640
# The songs you're singing
188
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:27,960
# Thanks for all
the joy you're bringing
189
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:30,800
# Who could live without it
190
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:33,960
# I ask in all honesty
191
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:36,160
# What would life be
192
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,960
# WITHOUT A SONG
OR A DANCE WHAT ARE WE?
193
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# SO I SAY
194
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,960
DOWN AN OCTAVE:
# Thank you for the music
195
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:49,960
# For giving it to me
196
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,480
# Waterloo-oo-oo-oo-oo
197
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:57,960
# Knowing me, knowing youuuu...
198
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:02,960
# A-haaaaa... #
199
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,960
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
200
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:19,960
Aaah. Nice can of Spunt, there.
201
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960
Now...
202
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,640
Schnell! Schnell! Achtung!
Sieg heil! Jawohl!
203
00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:30,960
Those are just some of the comments
shouted at my next guest
204
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,960
at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
205
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,640
Why? Because she won gold
for Britain
206
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:39,960
in the 4 x 100m
women's hurdles relay.
207
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,960
She doesn't run any more - she's 78.
208
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,960
Please welcome the Linford Christie
of great-grandmothers, Elsie Morgan!
209
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,320
APPLAUSE
210
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:56,480
# The winner takes it all
211
00:12:56,480 --> 00:13:00,960
# The winner takes it all... #
212
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:05,000
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Elsie Morgan. A-ha.
213
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,960
No, you wait till I've said it.
214
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,160
A-ha. A-ha. That's right.
215
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:14,960
The 1936 Berlin Olympics.
216
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,640
What did it feel like
to run past the finishing line,
217
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,960
knowing you'd just beaten the
German and won gold for Britain?
218
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:27,000
Thrilling, because we'd stitched up
the Krauts. Lovely. Lovely.
219
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:31,960
Is it true things were better
in the olden days?
220
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,960
Immediately after the war
it was marvellous,
221
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,960
because we had
completely stitched up the Krauts.
222
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:45,960
But then, after that,
everything got very much worse,
223
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:52,960
and there was a lot of
immigration...and, inevitably,
crime went up.
224
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,960
Right, um... There must have been
some positive things.
225
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,960
I'll tell you a story. Please do.
226
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:05,960
I brought my car in last week and
parked it on one of those meters.
227
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,800
I went into Debenhams
and came out very quickly.
228
00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,960
There was an awful man
writing me a parking ticket.
229
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,960
I said,
230
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:20,000
"Is it reasonable to give me
a parking ticket for two minutes?"
231
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:25,160
After a while he saw sense,
admitted it was a bit silly
and let me off.
232
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:32,000
Good for him.
But after I got home, I thought,
"That man let me break the law."
233
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,960
He shouldn't have done that. No.
234
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:42,960
So I rang his employers
and told them what happened.
235
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:50,640
Later on they rang me back
and I was delighted to hear
they'd dismissed him.
236
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,960
Good riddance!
237
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Particularly as he was black. Er...
238
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,960
Right, um...
239
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:00,960
Tell us about sport.
They don't play by our rules.
240
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Right, shut up.
241
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:07,960
You can't say those things
on TV any more. Why not?
242
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,320
Shut it! ..Sorry.
243
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,960
Sorry. Sorry.
244
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,960
APPLAUSE
245
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,960
Now, Elsie.
246
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,960
I've got a surprise for you,
247
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:26,800
because it's time, once again,
to dip into Alan's Big Pocket!
248
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:35,960
And...it's a pocket full of emotion.
249
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:41,960
Tonight, we reunite Britain's
hurdling golden girls of 1936.
250
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,960
They haven't met for over 50 years.
251
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:49,960
Sadly, Lindsay Farrow is no longer
with us, but the other two are.
252
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,960
Please come out of my Big Pocket,
253
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,960
Anne Wylie and Georgina Clark!
254
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960
APPLAUSE
255
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,640
Please, sit down.
256
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,800
Marvellous.
257
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:13,960
Let's talk about the race. 1936.
258
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,960
In those days,
how did you cope with the pressure?
259
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:20,800
I used to sing in the dressing room.
Yes! You did!
260
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:25,800
"We'll Gather Lilacs." Yes. Probably
a forgotten memory now. Oh, no!
261
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,960
# We'll gather lilacs
262
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:29,960
# In the spring again
263
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:37,960
# And walk together
down an English lane
264
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:42,960
# When you come home
once m-o-o-ore
265
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:48,960
# And in the evening
in the twilight glow
266
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:54,960
# I'll hold you close
and never let you go-o-o-o... #
267
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,960
Marvellous.
THEY ALL START TO SING
No...
268
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,640
All right. No. OK. Yeah.
269
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:01,960
# ..And walk together... #
270
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,960
Marvellous!
Give them a round of applause!
271
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,960
Marvellous! Lovely! Lovely! Great!
272
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,960
That was... That was lovely.
273
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:15,960
Well, at...this stage of the show,
some of my viewers may be thinking,
274
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:18,960
"Alan! You're a liar!"
275
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:23,480
You said this would be hot and
you're chatting to senior citizens.
276
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,640
But,
277
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:33,000
if I said I'll jump into a Tardis,
go back in time and recreate the
Berlin Olympics with the old women,
278
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,320
you'd say,
"That IS hot. We were wrong."
279
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,960
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
280
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:45,960
Ladies, will you now please join me
in my 1-6 scale
Berlin Olympic Stadium?
281
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:50,960
BAND PLAYS:
"Deutschland Uber Alles"
282
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:08,960
You join us live at the Berlin
Olympics on Grandstand in 1936,
283
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,960
on this pleasant summer's morning,
in Nazi Germany.
284
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,960
Everyone's here. Hitler's in a box.
285
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:19,320
Jesse Owens just waved at him.
He doesn't like that.
286
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:23,960
And we wait for the race to start.
I'll fire a gun.
287
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:26,480
It's loud. Don't let it worry you.
288
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,960
On your marks, get set...
289
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:30,960
She's off!
290
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,960
It's Anne Wylie,
fast as a bullet from a Luger.
291
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,000
The first hurdle. She's cleared it!
292
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,960
She's clear, landing like a tom cat!
293
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,800
Off again,
294
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:47,960
and hands the baton to Lindsay
Farrow, sadly no longer with us.
295
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:52,640
She's represented
by a cardboard cutout.
296
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,160
It's a clean pass.
297
00:18:56,160 --> 00:19:00,320
Let's see what you're made of,
Georgie girl!
298
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,160
Kick that, love.
299
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:05,960
Oh, dear! The hurdle has fallen!
300
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,960
It's down to Elsie! Can she do it?
301
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:12,800
And she has! She's won the gold!
CHEERING
302
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,960
Ladies and gentlemen,
the hurdlers of '36!
303
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:20,960
APPLAUSE
304
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,960
I have an announcement to make.
305
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:36,960
Last week, I had naked sex
with the Home Secretary,
306
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:39,000
and I want to sell my story.
307
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,800
Of course I haven't!
308
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,960
But if I had, who would I go to?
309
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,960
I'd go to my next guest,
310
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:53,960
because he is a high-profile agent
and publicist for celebrities
311
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:56,960
and, for want of a better word,
harlots.
312
00:19:56,960 --> 00:20:03,960
Please welcome the man Virginia
Bottomley called "that little turd",
313
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,160
Lawrence Knowles!
314
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:10,640
# Money, money, money
315
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,480
# Must be funny
316
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,960
# In a rich man's world
317
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,640
# Money, money, money
318
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,960
# Always sunny
319
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:24,960
# It's a rich man's world. #
320
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,960
Lawrence.
321
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,160
You are the man they love to hate.
322
00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:33,000
I prefer to think
I'm the man they hate to love.
323
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,960
But you're not.
324
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,320
You're not.
You are the man they love to hate.
325
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:45,960
Well, that's very amusing, Alan,
and some of your audience
found it amusing, too.
326
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:47,480
But...
327
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,320
..there is a positive side
to what I do.
328
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:56,960
I often help various celebrities -
for example,
329
00:20:56,960 --> 00:20:58,960
a celebrity who comes to me and
says,
330
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,960
"Lawrence,
I am a practising homosexual,
331
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:06,960
"and I want to keep
this delicate matter private."
332
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,960
Very wise.
LAUGHTER
333
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,960
I would then ensure
that this homosexual VIP
334
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:17,960
was seen in a heterosexual context.
Such as?
335
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,960
A pub.
336
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:24,960
A fast car. A football match.
Right.
337
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:27,960
You don't mean George Best?
338
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,160
LAUGHTER
339
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:37,960
No, George is as straight
as the passes he used to make
to Bobby Charlton.
340
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,960
Who, by the way,
is also not a homosexual.
341
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,960
Right.
342
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,960
But what if someone comes and says,
343
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:51,960
"Lawrence, I..." - how can
I put it - "I play for both sides."
344
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,960
"I play for...
345
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:57,960
"..Manchester United
and Manchester City."
346
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:00,960
"I'm Denis Law."
347
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:04,160
I don't understand.
348
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,800
I'm bisexual. YOU are?
No, Denis Law.
349
00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:09,960
No, not Denis Law! No, God! No!
350
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,960
Sorry, Denis.
351
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:15,960
If you're watching,
let's go for a drink some time.
352
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,160
As friends.
353
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:21,960
Actually, no. Let's call it off.
I'll just go home to my wife.
354
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,960
I must say,
355
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,640
I'm looking forward
to seeing Hot Pants later.
356
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,960
Stay tuned, fellas! Tss!
357
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:37,960
Now, very recently you have been
involved in a massive royal scandal
358
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:41,960
in which you've obtained photographs
of the royal family
359
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:46,960
taken from hidden cameras, and
you've published these in a book?
360
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,960
This book is in no way scandalous
or salacious.
361
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,960
The book, Her Majesty's Pleasure,
362
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:58,960
is being published
purely in the public interest.
363
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,960
You say that,
but this is outrageous.
364
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:04,160
To print a picture of the queen
flossing her teeth!
365
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:08,960
Believe me, Alan,
I obtained some photos
that were frankly unpublishable.
366
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,000
And are they in the book?
Yes they are.
367
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,960
OK. We've sat, we've listened to you
present yourself with eloquence,
368
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,960
as a defender
of the public interest.
369
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:26,960
But...ladies and gentlemen,
Lawrence has unwittingly stumbled
into a new section of my show -
370
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,000
called "Eat Your Own Medicine".
371
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,960
Lawrence,
372
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:34,960
for four weeks you've been
under surveillance by our snoopers.
373
00:23:34,960 --> 00:23:39,960
This is what we discovered.
Show the clip.
374
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,960
'This is a disabled parking space.
375
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:44,960
'Who's this parking in it?
376
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:49,800
'It's a big Jaguar containing
able-bodied Lawrence Knowles.
377
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:51,960
'Quite a nice car, that.
378
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:55,960
'There. You get out of the car,
look round,
379
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,960
'little pick of the nose...
380
00:23:57,960 --> 00:24:00,960
'It's a good 'un!
Pop it in the mouth.'
381
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:07,960
'Here you are again, emerging from
an anonymous-looking black door.
382
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:11,960
'Another treat for Lawrence Knowles.
383
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,960
'You certainly keep your nose clean!
384
00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:18,320
'What's going on behind the door?
I'll tell you.'
385
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:23,960
Dermatology. Come on, Alan,
this is pathetic. Ludicrous. Is it?
386
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:27,960
Is it as ludicrous
as a man with such a hairy back
387
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:33,000
that he visits a dermatologist
to have his unsightly,
innumerable hairs removed?
388
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:36,640
Bring on my Big Pocket now!
389
00:24:36,640 --> 00:24:38,960
APPLAUSE
390
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:49,960
Ladies and gentlemen,
it requires 30 feet
of industrial waxing tape
391
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:53,960
to depilate Lawrence's back.
But don't take my word for it.
392
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:55,960
Let's hear it
from the back-waxer's mouth.
393
00:24:55,960 --> 00:25:02,320
Please come out, Lawrence Knowles's
dermatologist, Clive Sealey!
394
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:05,640
APPLAUSE
395
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,960
Clive!
396
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:15,480
Clive, just how hairy
397
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:18,960
is Lawrence's back?
It's VERY hairy, Alan.
398
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:23,160
This is the amount of hair
on an averagely-haired back,
399
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,960
and this...
400
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:28,960
This is from the last session
with Lawrence.
401
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:33,960
It's enough to cover
12 small children.
402
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,960
Now, the Knowles back
403
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,960
is surely his Achilles heel.
404
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,960
How deep are the scars?
405
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,960
During the sessions, he's told me
names he was called at school.
406
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:48,960
What are they?
407
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:50,640
Um... Wolfman...
408
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,960
..Monkey Boy, Godzilla, King Kong...
409
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:56,800
Human Carpet? Yes. Yes.
410
00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,000
Gus the Gorilla... In the office,
411
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,960
we had a bit of fun and came up
with a list of potential nicknames.
412
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,960
Quickly -
413
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:07,960
Kiwi Fruit,
414
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,960
Moth Banquet -
quite an interesting one -
415
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,480
Furball XL5...
416
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:19,960
..Billy Furry - Billy Fury with
a new pronunciation, that's mine...
417
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:24,160
Brian Furry, that's another one
of mine, Brian Ferry,
418
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:27,960
and, of course, Hairy Krishna.
419
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:29,000
Marvellous.
420
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:32,960
Lawrence?
You'll be hearing from my solicitor.
421
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:36,960
Ooh - bit prickly.
Or should I say hairy?!
422
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,960
Lawrence Knowles and Clive Sealey.
423
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,960
APPLAUSE
424
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,640
Hi!
425
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:55,320
Hi! I'm in Alan's Big Pocket. Why?
426
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,480
I'm getting undressed.
427
00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:05,960
I'm doing it because Hot Pants
are about to raise the roof off
TV Centre with their lovely legs.
428
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,000
Then they'll join me in the jacuzzi.
429
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:13,960
Glenn, have you seen them? No,
but I'm looking forward to it! Tss!
430
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:17,960
Glenn, that is my noise!
Get your own sound!
431
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:20,960
Move the pocket!
432
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:24,960
Yes, I am in a jacuzzi,
sipping Spunt!
433
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:27,640
It's almost as if I'm in an advert.
434
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:31,000
But of course, I'm not.
I'm not in an advert.
435
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,960
It remains for me
to thank my guests
436
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:38,960
and welcome on the four
gorgeous figures that fill...
437
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,960
Tss! ..Hot Pants!
438
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:44,960
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
439
00:28:59,960 --> 00:29:02,480
They're men! They're men!
440
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:05,960
On that bombshell, good night! A-ha!
441
00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:08,960
Spunt! Spunt!
33352
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