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# Knowing me, knowing you
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# Ah-ha
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# There is nothing we can do
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# Knowing me, knowing you
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00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:17,960
# Ah-ha
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# We just have to face it,
this time we're through
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# Knowing me, knowing you! #
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Ah-ha!
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CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
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# Knowing me, knowing you! #
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Welcome!
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Welcome to... Shh!
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Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You.
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00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:53,960
It's a chat-show,
but not as we know it.
DRUM ROLL
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Well, it's official.
This show is a smash hit sensation.
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A corking copper-bottomed hit.
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Those are the words of Mike Taylor
from TV Quick.
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00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,960
Of course,
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there have been dissenters -
the clever-clog papers -
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Independent, Guardian, Observer...
They've been a bit sniffy.
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One review caught my eye. The Times
called this show "moribund"!
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I looked up "moribund"
in my dictionary.
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It said "Moribund -
adjective meaning about to die."
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I ask you - is this show
about to die?!
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AUDIENCE: NO!
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Thank you. So, Mr Philip Parsons
from "behind The Times"...
DRUM ROLL
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..that proves that you are wrong.
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The show is very much alive...
AND live!
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Tonight, I will be bringing
you another TV chat show first,
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as I, Alan Partridge, let myself
be strapped to a spinning wheel of
death and have knives thrown at me.
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Is that moribund? No!
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No, you don't shout that.
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So please welcome my un-moribund
"merry band", my house band -
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Glenn Ponder and Debonair!
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# Knowing me, knowing you. #
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glenn Ponder, ah-ha!
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Ah-ha!
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Debonair, ah-ha!
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Ah-ha!
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00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,960
Glenn, you're looking
for a new house. Yes.
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I bought a house in Mayfair
for £500. Really, Alan?
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Yes, I was playing Monopoly!
DRUM ROLL
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Er...but seriously, Glenn,
you ARE looking for somewhere. Yeah.
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Whereabouts? Chiswick area.
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Yeah, Chiswick...nice...nice.
Glenn Ponder and Debonair!
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BAND PLAY "Knowing Me, Knowing You"
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Was that chap moribund?
I don't think so.
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Now, my first guest is intelligent,
witty, a woman of the world,
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with a figure to stop traffic dead
on the M1 if she wiggled across the
footbridge at Toddington services.
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She's a quality guest from
top to bottom and back up again.
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Please welcome the new agony aunt
from Playboy magazine, stay tuned,
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the very lovely Daniella Forest.
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# Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
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# Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away
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# Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight... #
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Ah!
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Isn't she...isn't...
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..isn't she lovely?
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Phew-phwoo!
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Daniella Forest, ah-ha!
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Ah-ha!
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Ooh! That's the sexiest "ah-ha"
I've ever had!
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00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:12,960
I almost forgot, I normally kiss
my guests when they first come on...
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Not the men.
I give them a firm handshake.
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Can we do the kiss quickly?
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Sure! Where do you want to kiss me?
Peachy cheek or little round mouth?
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Little round mouth.
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Come on, then. Right.
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Are you going to kneel down? Yes.
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Right down.
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Pop back in your seat.
Er...yes. Er...right.
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00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:48,960
Now, D...Daniella Forest,
you are Playboy's agony aunt,
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and you've just published your
autobiography... Luck Be A Lady.
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It's published by Jones,
never heard of them...
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What comes across very strongly
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is your understanding
of male psychology.
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Well, I think I understand men
because I adore them.
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And WHAT, as a woman,
do you look for in a man?
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Power is attractive...sensitivity...
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Mmm.
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..sense of humour...
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I like a man who knows who he is.
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I'm Alan Partridge. Carry on.
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You know, I think...
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..the most important thing I look
for is a fit young body like a Greek
god.
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Right.
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00:05:44,480 --> 00:05:45,960
Now, you also...
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..help people with sexual problems.
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Let's have a hypothetical problem.
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There's a couple.
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They've been married 15 years,
maybe more and...
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..neither of them has slept
with anyone else. He's frustrated?
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Deeply, deeply.
But that's only part of the problem.
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Their sex life is...
for want of a better word, moribund.
95
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Well, people need to explore
their sex lives.
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If it's not working in the bedroom,
bring it into the lounge or kitchen.
97
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They tried that
but the dog just wandered in.
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Yes, but you see...some people
find it very sexy to be watched.
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Not by the dog!
100
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Montgomery was frightened.
He was just barking.
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Who's Montgomery?
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The man who masterminded
the battle of El Alamein...
103
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..and the name of this dog.
Have you got a dog?
104
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Yes. And what's his name?
105
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:04,960
Rommel.
106
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Once again, here is a man shying
away from discussing sex. When I was
a man, I had the same problem.
107
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As a woman, I am liberated.
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Well, I'm pleased for you...
Hang on a minute!
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WHO was a man? When I was a man.
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What are you talking about?
You have read my book? Yes.
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No, I never read the books.
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Who was a man?
Who did you think Daniel was?
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I thought it was your twin brother.
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I was Daniel. I used to be a man.
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I can't believe you didn't know!
I KISSED you!
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Why did you invite me on your show?
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I found you sexy!
I could knock your block off!
I'm a woman with breasts!
118
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You should be in a circus!
119
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Well, you'd be in the front row.
120
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There she goes...there HE goes,
I should say. What do you want?
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No! No!
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Ah-ha!
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I knew there was something dodgy
about you.
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Your hands are a giveaway. Great
big flapping hands like a bloke.
125
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You could be a goalkeeper!
126
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Glenn, did you know it was a man?
Yeah.
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Debonair, did you know it was a man?
ALL: Yeah.
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Everyone except muggins Partridge!
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Dan "the man" Forest.
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Thanks.
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It's er...time now for a new
regular feature of the series -
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"Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, ANOTHER Alan Partridge".
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I meet a member of the public
who shares my name and therefore
can join that exclusive club -
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Club Alan Partridge.
135
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,960
This week's Alan Partridge
works on a Sealink ferry!
136
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,960
Please welcome
Petty Officer Alan Partridge!
137
00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:39,160
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Petty Officer Partridge. Ah-ha!
Ah-ha!
138
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You work on the Sealink ferry
from Liverpool to Dublin
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and I imagine that's the sort of job
where there's a lot of camaraderie
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00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:53,000
between the...between...
Is that the case?
141
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,960
Why do you keep doing that?
142
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That with your face?
I've got a facial tic.
143
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:05,640
I'm sorry. I had no idea. It's OK.
I've had it since I was a kid.
144
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:11,960
Now, Alan Partridge,
I imagine your workmates
josh with you. Is that the case?
145
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They call me Tick-tock.
Why? Cos of me tic.
146
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:21,160
No, God, no! No, I mean because
your name's Alan Partridge. Oh, no.
147
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:28,160
What you do with your face
is your choice. It's fine.
Oh, there it is again!
148
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:32,960
I want to present you with this now.
It's the Alan Partridge tie...
149
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,960
Oh, that was a big one!
The Alan Partridge...
150
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:40,160
..tie and blazer badge
combination pack.
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00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:44,960
There you go. You take that.
I'll put the tie on,
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if I can keep me 'ead still!
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
153
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What a marvellous sense of humour!
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00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,800
Oh, there's...
What a triumph of the human spirit!
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Ladies and gentlemen...
156
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..ALAN PARTRIDGE! Go on, go!
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APPLAUSE
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Thanks now! Go! Go!
159
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:18,320
Last night, I met a man
who quite literally changed my life.
160
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:21,960
He made me think,
laugh and cry in wonderment.
161
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,960
I witnessed his mystical powers
at the London Palladium.
162
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,960
Welcome hypnotist, Tony Le Mesmer!
163
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:38,960
Ladies and gentlemen.
Enter the mysterious domain
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00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960
of Tony Le Mesmer.
165
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Behold the cage of Kathmandu.
166
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The void of solitude.
167
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,960
The dance of Diabolos!
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The shroud.
169
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The forces turn upon their axes.
170
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The summoning of the spirits
of Telemachus.
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Marvellous! Marvellous!
Tony, how did you do that?
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Simple. The power of the paranormal.
173
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It's not a lever or anything. No.
174
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You tell us about it now. Tina, see
you later for the wheel of death.
175
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Very nice!
176
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,960
Now that IS a woman!
177
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,960
OK, Tony.
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Tony Le Mesmer!
179
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:22,160
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Tony Le Mesmer. Ah-ha. Ah-ha.
180
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:27,640
Buddha...the Dalai Lama...
Nostradamus...
181
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,960
..that man The Beatles went to see,
182
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,960
Uri Geller, and now...
183
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,960
..Tony Le Mesmer.
184
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,640
What is it about you lot
that sets you apart
185
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:42,960
from mere mortal men
like me, Alan Partridge?
186
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,960
We are all shamen
on a spiritual quest.
187
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:50,960
And we travel on this journey
using the energy of the life force.
188
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,960
I'm gonna pin you down.
Can you be more specific?
189
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:59,800
I am a man who harnesses the harmony
within us all.
190
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,960
No, that's more vague.
191
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,960
I want you to be more specific.
OK, Alan.
192
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,960
I'm interested in dreams.
193
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,960
Right, now you're being interesting.
194
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:21,960
Because I often have a recurring
dream in which I am an owl. As
an owl, how do you feel different?
195
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,320
Smaller.
196
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,960
More agile, able to fly.
Able to fly!
197
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,640
Perhaps you want freedom.
198
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,960
What else? Now, I can rotate
my head 360 degrees!
199
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:39,960
It's a real boon when you're driving
cos it eliminates the blind spot.
200
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,960
Anything else you can do?
201
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:47,960
Yes. I can emit pellets.
202
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:52,960
Can't help you there. Sorry. No?
203
00:14:52,960 --> 00:15:00,320
Oh, well. If anyone can shed light
on why Alan Partridge might want
to emit pellets as an owl,
204
00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:05,800
drop a line to the usual address
and mark your envelope "pellets".
205
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:11,960
We're gonna have a bit of fun now
because, Tony,
206
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,960
you are going to hypnotise me. Yes.
207
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:19,480
Ok, this may take a few minutes
so don't...worry...
208
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:25,160
..if it takes some...time...
Five, four, three, two, one.
209
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:29,960
Alan Partridge is now totally
hypnotised and in my control.
210
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,960
Is that so, Alan? Yes.
211
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:36,960
Let's put it to the test. Alan,
when I say the word, "owl",
212
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:42,960
I want you to be that owl
emitting a pellet and feeling happy
with yourself. Owl.
213
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,960
Whoo!
214
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,960
Whoo!
215
00:15:54,960 --> 00:16:01,960
Excellent. When you hear
the word "ah-ha", I want you
to be a scary monster. Ah-ha!
216
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,960
Grrrrr!
217
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,960
Very good. Stop.
If you could make love to any woman,
218
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,960
except your wife, who would it be?
219
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,960
Ursula Andress.
220
00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:18,960
OK, when I click my fingers, I want
you to see me as Ursula Andress.
221
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:25,960
Ursula! I've always wanted
to meet you. I can't believe it.
The bikini's very nice!
222
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:30,960
I love all your films, all of them -
Dr No through to...all the others.
223
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:35,960
Enough! Is there anywhere we can go
and make mad, passionate love?
224
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:39,960
Er...God, yes. Er...
The Moathouse Hotel in High Wycombe.
225
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:44,960
Er...they know me there.
They're very discreet.
226
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:48,640
You'll love it.
It's got a 24-hour carvery.
227
00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:49,960
Stop.
228
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,960
Alan, when I click my fingers again,
229
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,320
we'll be on the way to High Wycombe.
230
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,960
It only takes 15 to 20 minutes.
231
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:03,960
Can we pull over now and make love?
Not on the motorway. That's illegal.
232
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,960
But Alan, I'm begging you, please!
233
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:12,640
It's an offence
to stop on the hard shoulder
unless there's a malfunction.
234
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:15,000
I'm taking my top off! Look...
235
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:19,960
..if I get caught in flagrante
while violating the highway code,
236
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:24,000
my wife will find out and I'll get
three points on my license.
237
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,960
That's not gonna happen.
Now put your top on and get out!
238
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,640
Go, go! Get out! Wake up.
239
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:36,960
As I say, it'll take a few seconds
before I'm hypnotised...
240
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:42,960
It's all over. You've hypnotised me?
I hope I didn't look too foolish.
241
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,960
Of course you didn't, Alan.
242
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:51,960
Tony, see you later
for the Wheel of Death.
Just to say thank you very much,
243
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,960
Tony Le Mesmer!
244
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:04,960
Now, Hollywood is much, much more
than nine big letters on a hill.
245
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:09,960
It's...it's a sexy, dangerous place.
A hustlin', wheelin', dealin' town,
246
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,960
where money talks
and nonsense walks.
247
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,160
I've never been there
but my next guests have.
248
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:23,960
They are a British married couple
of actors who live and work
in Tinseltown Stateside.
249
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:28,960
I want to get to know them.
I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do!
250
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,960
Please welcome,
Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont!
251
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,960
# Love me or leave me
252
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:41,960
# Make your choice and believe me
253
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,960
# And I do
254
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:48,640
# I do, I do, I do, I do, I do... #
255
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:53,480
Ah! Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you,
256
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:56,960
Tania Beaumont, ah-ha! Grrr!
257
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,480
Ah-ha.
258
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,960
Grrr!
259
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,640
Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Gary Barker, ah-ha! Grrr!
260
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,800
Ah-ha.
261
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:11,480
Grrr!
262
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:17,000
You wanted to make a statement.
This is your platform.
263
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:19,960
Please, be my guests.
264
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:24,960
As you know, there is speculation
in the press about our marriage...
265
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:31,320
I had that treatment myself.
You know Philip Parsons?
He called the show "moribund"!
266
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:32,960
You know?
267
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:37,960
Philip Parsons, in five minutes,
I will be tied to a wheel of death,
268
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:43,960
and you will have a plate with some
words on it and a knife and fork.
269
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:50,960
Sorry, Tania.
270
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,960
Well... I mean...
271
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,480
..you're gonna eat your words!
272
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,960
Sorry, Tania.
273
00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:01,960
We just want to say to the tabloids
we're very much married.
274
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:06,960
There's a lot of real news out
there - poverty, homelessness.
275
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:12,960
Please, report that. Leave us alone.
We're just ordinary people
who make movies.
276
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,960
Lovely! Lovely, er...
277
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960
Gary, do you want to add anything?
278
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,000
No, er...yeah.
279
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:24,960
Are you all right?
I'm just wondering
280
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,960
about the glasses.
You've not got a stye?
281
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,480
No.
282
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:38,960
Er...Tania... Sorry,
is he wearing those to look cool?
283
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:43,960
Yes, he is. Gary, like the glasses.
Where d'you get them?
284
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,960
Auction. They were James Dean's.
He died in them.
285
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:51,960
Really? They look quite small. No
wonder he lost control of the car!
286
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,960
No?
287
00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:03,960
You've just flown in from Hollywood.
What's it like to be back in London?
288
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:09,960
It's a relief to be amongst ordinary
people. Where's that? The Savoy.
289
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,000
Marvellous. Who's paying?
You are.
290
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:18,320
Really? Are we...? Is that true?
Are we paying? Yes!
291
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:23,960
Yes, we are. Enjoy yourselves.
Just easy on the room service.
292
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:27,960
Chicken in a basket.
That's your lot. No, seriously,
293
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,800
have a drink, just don't go mad.
294
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:35,960
Some people, they empty the mini-bar
into a carrier bag. That's not on.
295
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:42,960
Er...you...you are known
as the wild man of Hollywood.
296
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:49,960
Some of the wild things you've done.
I've got some here. Gary sawed
the head off Warren Beatty's Oscar!
297
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:55,960
He drove a Harley-Davidson motorbike
into Bruce Willis's patio doors...
298
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,960
What else have you done?
Punched Angela Lansbury.
299
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,160
Yeah, that was nasty. It was nasty.
300
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:09,960
It says you also threw Whoopi
Goldberg's copper kettle at a cat!
301
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,960
Other way round.
302
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:16,960
You threw a cat
at Whoopi Goldberg's copper kettle?
303
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:23,640
No. I threw a kettle
at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
That's what I said. No.
304
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:30,960
You said Whoopi Goldberg's copper
kettle. I threw a copper kettle
at Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
305
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:40,800
It wasn't Whoopi Goldberg's kettle.
Right. It was Whoopi Goldberg's cat.
306
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:42,960
So whose copper kettle was it?
307
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,960
Angela Lansbury's
308
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:50,160
Tania, has he ever thrown
a kettle at you?
309
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:55,000
No, it's one of the few things he's
never thrown at me. Really? Joke.
OK.
310
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:58,960
"Tania's breasts." Sorry!
311
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:00,960
That's just my notes.
312
00:23:00,960 --> 00:23:02,960
Sorry.
313
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:08,960
You're one of those great actresses
who, if the role demands it,
314
00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,960
you're quite prepared
to expose yourself.
315
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:16,960
I'm glad you value my acting
so highly. I do!
316
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,480
Your name is a seal of quality.
317
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:24,480
It says, "See the film, lads.
You won't go home empty-handed."
318
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:33,960
I really think that my films
are more than just titillation.
319
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:35,960
Mmm!
320
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:42,960
I can only suggest that if you wish
to go and see Tania's unexpurgated
adult breast show,
321
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:47,960
that you pop down to the local
cinema...or marry her!
322
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,960
That's no guarantee.
323
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:06,960
Gary, we hear
that you used to be a mobile office
equipment maintenance engineer.
324
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:09,960
Yeah, briefly.
325
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,960
Three years. Got the sack.
No, you're lying!
326
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:19,000
You were awarded maintenance
engineer of the month! Well done!
327
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:24,960
I've got a broken photocopier at my
office in Norwich. Can you fix that?
328
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,960
You think I'm going to Norwich
to do that?!
329
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,960
There's no need! Because Mohammed...
330
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:37,640
..Mohammed has...Mohammed has moved
the mountain to you!
331
00:24:37,640 --> 00:24:40,960
It's not a mountain.
It's a photocopier.
332
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:45,960
Although, it was driven here in an
Astramax by a man called Mohammed.
333
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:49,800
Please bring on
the broken photocopier!
334
00:24:56,960 --> 00:25:03,160
We've got the photocopier.
Will you rise to Alan's challenge
and mend it?
335
00:25:03,160 --> 00:25:04,960
No.
336
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:10,960
Do you want him to mend it?
AUDIENCE: YES!
337
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:12,960
You can't do it! Course I can.
338
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:17,960
I don't believe you.
What model is it? Z-60.
339
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,960
Mono- or multi-feed? Mono.
Easy. Prove it.
340
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,960
AUDIENCE CHEERS
341
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,960
It hasn't been reset
after a paper jam. Really?
342
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:44,800
That's interesting. Where d'you put
your paper clips? Just around.
343
00:25:44,800 --> 00:25:47,000
Yeah. They get lost. Stick 'em
there.
344
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:51,960
But what happens...
How will they stay?
345
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,960
Magnetic. That's interesting!
Nice feature.
346
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,000
Worth knowing. Yeah.
347
00:25:57,000 --> 00:26:03,160
Nice machine. Should have no
trouble. I don't do that shit any
more!
348
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:06,960
Oh, look, he's mended it! Whoa!
What a dude!
349
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:10,960
Ladies and gentlemen,
Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont!
350
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:25,960
The wheel has turned full circle
for Tania and Gary and now it must
turn for me. The wheel of death.
351
00:26:25,960 --> 00:26:30,960
At the beginning of the show, I said
I would have knives thrown at me,
352
00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:35,000
to prove that my show - I own
the copyright - is not moribund.
353
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:42,800
A lesser man - Michael Aspel - would
walk away from a wheel of death
saying, "It's too dangerous."
354
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:48,960
I, however, embrace the wheel,
saying, "Come daggers.
You may pierce my flesh.
355
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:53,640
"But you will not stem my chat.
Of that, there's no doubt."
356
00:26:53,640 --> 00:26:58,960
Please welcome back magic man,
Tony Le Mesmer and Tina!
357
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:13,960
Every evening,
in my show at the Palladium, which
runs until the end of this month,
358
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:17,960
I get a member of the audience
on stage and ask them
359
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,000
to overcome their fears
on the wheel of death.
360
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:24,960
Tonight, Alan is that person.
How do you feel?
361
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:30,800
Confident. I am risking my life
for chat. Oh, and Philip Parsons!
362
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:35,960
Get a knife and fork and a plate,
put your words on that plate,
363
00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:38,960
add a bit of humble pie and eat it!
364
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:40,960
Right. Commence spinning...
365
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,960
..the wheel of death!
366
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,960
As the wheel of death
spins inexorably,
367
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:54,960
Tony Le Mesmer prepares to unleash
the deadly daggers of Damazon.
368
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,960
I've changed my mind. Sorry!
Drum roll!
369
00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:01,960
There isn't time.
We'll do it next week!
370
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,640
Stop! PLEASE!
371
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,960
This is madness!
372
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,960
Don't, you stupid man!
373
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,960
God! No!
374
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:17,960
Philip Parsons, you're right.
The show IS moribund! Please!
375
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,960
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
376
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,000
I've done it! I've done it!
377
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:26,960
On that bombshell,
it's time for me to say
378
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:30,960
knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, freak woman/man,
379
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:34,960
knowing you, the slut actress
and Mr Floppy, the actor,
380
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:41,480
and knowing you, Mr Loony Man
with the knives.
Goodnight and ah-ha! Grrr!
381
00:28:49,800 --> 00:28:52,960
Subtitles by David Padmore
BBC - 1994
382
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:54,960
Can you get me off the wheel now?
383
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:57,960
I've done it!
384
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:00,960
Can we get one of the researchers?
That Naomi!
385
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,960
Get me off. Is Naomi there?
386
00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:06,960
Tell her to come and get me off.
387
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:08,960
It's over now.
388
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:10,960
My trousers are wet!
32202
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