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# Knowing me, knowing you
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# Ah-ha!
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# There is nothing we can do
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# Knowing me, knowing you
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# Ah-ha!
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# We just have to face it -
This time we're through
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# Knowing me, knowing you! #
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Ah-ha-a-a!
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APPLAUSE
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# Knowing me, knowing you! #
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Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You
with me, Alan Partridge,
live from BBC Television Centre.
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There's a new chat in town.
DRUM ROLL
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Tonight is a JFK kind of a night.
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Just as everyone remembers what they
were doing when Kennedy was shot,
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I like to think that, 30 years on,
people will remember what THEY were
doing when I first said "Ah-ha-a!"
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As our motorcade of chat
cruises through celebrity city,
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let's hope no sniper waits
to pick off my star guest.
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He arrived at Heathrow and is being
whisked here in a Vauxhall Carlton.
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He is none other than
007 James Bond, Roger Moore!
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AUDIENCE: Oooh!
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My set is modelled on the lobby
of a top international hotel.
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And for the first time ever on
a chat show, a beautiful fountain!
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But first,
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up there in their musical mezzanine,
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let's get to know my resident house
band, Glen Ponder and Chalet!
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# Knowing me, knowing you! #
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APPLAUSE
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Glen Ponder. Ah-ha!
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Ah-ha!
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Chalet. Ah-ha! AH-HA!
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Great to have you aboard.
It's great to be here.
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SPEAK TOGTHER
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Sorry? Sorry?
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Glen Ponder...
Glen Ponder and Chalet!
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And you. Have a good time.
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BAND PLAYS: "Knowing me, knowing
you"
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Well, it's time to meet
my first guest NOW,
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after I've done
her introduction, now.
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Now - Red Rum, Desert Orchid,
Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed.
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What have they in common?
They're celebrity horses.
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My first guest is not a horse,
she's a celebrity who rides a horse.
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Let's see her in action.
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Giddy, giddy - YES!
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YES!!
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Take that horse back to the stable
and give it a kiss!
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No finer way to start my series
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than with world championship-winning
showjumping legend Sue Lewis!
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# The winner takes it all
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# The winner makes it all
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# The winner takes it all. #
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There you go.
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Got a quick whiff of your perfume.
That's nice.
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing
you, Sue Lewis. Ah-ha! Ah-ha!
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Right. Now...
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..horses. Horses.
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People say a dog is like its owner.
Is a horse like its rider?
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I don't know.
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Can you speak up a bit?
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I don't know!
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There's no resemblance?
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You don't think
you look like a horse? I hope not!
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Speak up!
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I hope not! Sorry, could we turn
the fountain off, please?
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Sorry, Sue. Thank you.
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The idea was to represent a fountain
of knowledge, to symbolise the show.
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Now...
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Now, Sue... It looks lovely. It is.
Well, it cost two grand.
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That's the kind of thing you'll be
seeing - lots of expensive items.
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Now, you won the hearts
of the British public
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when, last year, you trotted off
with the world championship. Yes.
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LAUGHTER
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How did that feel? Oh... Great!
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LAUGHTER
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Really?
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Really great!
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Was the horse, Joie de Vivre, was
he aware of the excitement? Oh, yes.
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Um...what...what did you...?
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Did you give him a treat afterwards?
Yes!
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What?!
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Did you...did you tickle his belly?
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No, that's dangerous. I'm thinking
of that man with the dolphin.
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Um, Sue...let's move on
to the anecdotes.
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D-d-do the anecdote.
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Well, all it was, was that...
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..when you transport a horse
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you have to be careful
and it takes a lot of time.
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The owner,
Maxwell Henderson, was driving...
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Get to the bit about the horsebox.
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We were driving up the motorway...
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She was driving with a man...
Sorry, I'm doing it.
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Right! Well, we were driving up the
motorway and Maxwell needed a drink.
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So we stopped off at Newbury.
Could I interrupt you?
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I've just been told Roger Moore
has passed Heston Services
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and should be with us soon. Sue...
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Um...
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..I've forgotten where I was!
Where was I?
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I've absolutely no idea. Look...
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..go on to the other one.
Oh, I remember! All right.
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We stopped in Newbury so that
Maxwell could get a drink - water or
tea -
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and I wanted something to read.
So you bought a book. Yes!
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It was a very small bookshop and
they were catering for a mass
audience.
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Be quicker.
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So I bought a book
and when I was going out to...
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That's not quick. She bought a book
called Killing Horses
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and the driver thought she was some
sort of murderess! It was hilarious.
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Hilarious!
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It was the only book...
That's the end...
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The end.
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OK... Now, it says here...Hawaii.
What happened there? Exotic place -
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give me spice!
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I lost my luggage.
Oh dear! What happened?
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It turned up in Brasilia!
Disaster! What next?
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It was fine. Nothing missing.
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You see, that's no good!
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That's an incident, not an anecdote.
Your press release says "anecdote"!
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No good. Just for future reference,
to save wasting people's time.
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Not to worry.
We've got a surprise for YOU
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in this, one of the regular features
of the series, Up Alan's Sleeve.
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Well, Sue Lewis, this week,
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I have for you, up my sleeve,
a HORSE and a jump!
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Bring on the horse and the jump!
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BAND PLAYS "KNOWING ME
KNOWING YOU" JINGLE
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We couldn't get your horse
so it's just A horse.
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Now, isn't he a beauty?! SHE.
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SHE..?
..Yes, you're absolutely right.
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We've got the horse and the jump.
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I've sprung this on you,
but will you rise to the challenge?
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I can't. She doesn't want to do it!
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Do you want her to?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
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Jump the jump.
No. This is a concrete floor.
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A horse has delicate legs.
It would damage them.
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Can we gaffer-tape some sponges to
the hooves? It would break its legs.
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I can't. "Please don't break
my legs!" she says! Don't do that!
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All right, get rid of the horse
and the jump!
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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Look at that!
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That's YOUR fault!
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She was nervous.
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You really ought to get a dustpan!
That could have been spectacular!
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No horse jump
and now just a lump of dung!
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I'm sorry.
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That's it!
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No more questions? No.
..Have YOU got any questions?
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Have you ever ridden a horse?
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Yes, I have.
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I went pony-trekking...
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..with school - in Cornwall.
Gosh! ..Like one of YOUR stories!
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Ladies and gentlemen - Sue Lewis!
INAUDIBLE
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APPLAUSE
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Fame! I'm going to live forever!
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Stay there, Sue!
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Fame! I'm going to learn how to fly!
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Of course I'm not...
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But, in a sense...my next guest DID.
Two years ago, he was presenting the
Loony Breakfast Show on Radio Leeds,
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now he's the new host
of This Is Your Life!
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He's a trooper. I think he's super.
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Please welcome Super Trooper
Keith Hunt. ..Where is he?
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"SUPER TROOPER" JINGLE
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Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Keith Hunt. Ah-ha!
Ah-ha! Am I right?
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AUDIENCE: You're not wrong!
He's got a catchphrase already!
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Best slip it in early -
know what I mean!
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You all right, Sue? You're not
wrong! She's a barrel of laughs(!)
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Pity it's empty! Am I right?
164
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AUDIENCE: You're not wrong!
Only joking.
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00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:09,960
No, you really aren't, not wrong!
..Um...Now, Keith,
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This Is Your Life -
it's a British institution.
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It's as English as fish and chips.
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Bangers and mash. The tower of
London. ..Sue - something British?
Um...Crufts?
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Umm...but you know, I would...
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I would dearly love my show to be
an institution. You must change
your theme tune! Abba's Swedish!
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Well, that's a Swedish institution.
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You can't get more Swedish.
As Swedish as Ikea.
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Volvo!
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Sue..?
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..The vegetable, swede.
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Yeah...well, yeah...
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The Swedes...
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..don't have a bad life.
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They get up in the morning,
have a bowl of swede,
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hop in the Volvo, whack on Abba,
and go to Ikea!
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I mean... I mean,
that's my Sunday...
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..apart from the swede.
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00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:14,960
Now Keith...
I have Kellogg's Common Sense.
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Keith, what's your secret?
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I'm an ordinary bloke.
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BUT - the big but - you do
extraordinary things...because...
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I have Keith's local paper, here,
with a little story... No, no, no!
Don't embarrass me!
188
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A little story. Shh!
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A story about Keith.
Shall I read it or will you?
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Will you? All right, all right.
Listen.
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The headmaster of me kid's school
knocked on me door and said, "Keith,
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"we're having a raffle
to raise money for a mini-bus.
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"Will you host it?"
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I says, "How much does it cost?"
He says, "18 grand." I said...
195
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Sorry.
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00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,960
I'll just stop you.
197
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:09,480
I've just been told that Roger Moore
is at Chiswick roundabout,
so stay tuned!
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00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,800
Keith, carry on.
199
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:15,960
He said, "18 grand."
I said, "Here's 20.
200
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:19,960
"Buy the mini-bus
AND take them to Alton Towers!"
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00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960
What a nice man!
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00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,960
You've got to put a bit back.
And it's tax deductible.
203
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:30,960
Now, Keith, you like surprises.
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00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:31,960
By the way,
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00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,960
thanks for bringing that paper in.
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00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:38,480
LAUGHTER
And...and...
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APPLAUSE
208
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:43,960
Well done.
209
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:48,960
Um...you like surprises and we have
now got a surprise for YOU
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00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,000
because it's time
to go Up Alan's Sleeve.
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00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:56,960
Earlier on I had a horse
up my sleeve for Sue Lewis.
212
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,960
People are asking,
"What's up your other sleeve?"
213
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,800
Well, it's a child.
214
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:07,960
What's going on? A child
you know well - you produced him.
215
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,320
Your very own son, Sam Hunt!
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00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,800
I don't believe it!
217
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,000
APPLAUSE
218
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,960
Hello! Keith... Now, Keith...
219
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,960
Keith... Hi, Sam!
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00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:27,960
Sam is your only son
from your marriage
which was dissolved some years ago.
221
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:31,960
You're only allowed to see him
once a fortnight,
222
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:37,960
but I can speak to him, so you wait
here while I talk to Sam Hunt!
223
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:41,960
Hello!
224
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,960
Sam, it's Dad!
Now, I believe
225
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:48,960
you've got something special
to say to Sam today.
226
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,960
Looking forward to next week.
We'll have fun.
227
00:14:54,160 --> 00:14:57,960
No, isn't there something else
you want to say?
228
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,960
See your dad on the telly last week?
229
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,960
No! Sam, do you want to tell Daddy?
230
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,960
It's my birthday.
It's your son's birthday!
231
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:11,960
Yes! Happy birthday, Sam.
What have you got for him?
232
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:19,480
No, stay there. Give him this.
There you go.
233
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,960
He got you £10.
234
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:24,960
Don't despair, we got you a present.
235
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:30,000
We've got you an Alan Partridge tie
and blazer badge combination pack.
236
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,960
Take that.
237
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960
And, not only that,
238
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:40,960
a trip to Disneyland with your
mummy and her partner this weekend!
239
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,960
No, no!
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00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,960
No.
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00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:51,960
I've got custody this weekend. She
knows that. No, it's been arranged!
242
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,960
Where are you going this weekend?
Disneyland.
243
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,960
Of course you are!
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Hunt!
244
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,960
That way.
245
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,960
# Happy birthday to you
246
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:08,960
# Happy birthday, dear Sam
247
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,960
# Happy birthday to you! #
248
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,960
Great. Marvellous.
249
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:19,960
Funny feeling that backfired a bit.
You should have checked
with me first, Alan.
250
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:25,960
I didn't realise you would forget
your only son's birthday. Leave it!
251
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:29,960
Oh, dear! I've blown my chance
to be on This Is Your Life!
252
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:34,960
Oh, we couldn't have you on -
we only have celebrities.
253
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:39,960
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Sss!
254
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,960
Sue, you got any children?
No, I haven't. I have.
255
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,480
Fernando - he's at Cambridge -
256
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,960
and Denise.
257
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:55,960
Denise's birthday is
on the 27th of May and Fernando's
is on the 6th of June.
258
00:16:55,960 --> 00:17:00,160
Quite close, so we have
a family bash. Solid as a rock.
259
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:08,960
Do horses have birthdays? Yes.
Do they get presents? Sometimes.
260
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,640
Really?
261
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,960
Even horses?
262
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:20,960
He looks like a lovely boy - Sam.
Super lad.
263
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,960
How old is he? Five. Six! Six today.
264
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,960
Am I right? I'm not wrong!
265
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,960
Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt.
266
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,640
Now...
267
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:43,960
Could...could someone clear
that shit away, please?
268
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,960
It's just...it's in my picture.
I don't...
269
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960
LAUGHTER
270
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:56,960
People may associate it with me.
I don't want...
271
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:04,800
Time now for my next guest. If
music be the food of love, play on!
272
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:06,960
That's what Shakespeare said.
273
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:11,960
I'm not Shakespeare, but
I say pretty much the same thing.
274
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,800
If music be the food of love,
let's eat it!
275
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:20,640
Here with her new single, "Monday
Morning" - I know the feeling -
276
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:22,960
Shona McGough!
277
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,960
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
278
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,960
# Monday morning at quarter to eight
279
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:40,960
# She gives her husband his
cornflakes, he mustn't be late.
280
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,960
# She vacuums the carpets
281
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,960
# Makes everything clean
Everything clean
282
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:50,480
# What would she do without Mr
Sheen?
283
00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:59,480
# She takes a shotgun
from under the stairs
284
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,960
# And stands in the hallway
285
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:07,960
# Screaming her pra-a-ayers...!
286
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,960
# The gas man comes to read the
meter
287
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,960
# He writes down the reading,
scratching his head
288
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:22,960
# It's quarter to four
and now the gas man's DEAD!
289
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:27,640
# Blood ba-ath!
290
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:29,480
# The postman arrives
291
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:31,960
# She says, "Hello, Ray"
292
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:36,960
# And smiles politely as she
BLOWS HIM AWAY!
293
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:41,320
# Blood ba-ath!
294
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:45,960
# She's stalking the streets
Her brain's on fire
295
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:50,960
# She guns down 20 in Visionhire!
296
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:55,000
# Blood ba-ath!
297
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000
# Her hubby comes home
298
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:59,800
# And he gives her a kiss
299
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:02,960
# She puts the gun in his mouth
and says
300
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,960
# SUCK ON THIS!
301
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:09,960
# Blood ba-ath!
302
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:13,960
# Blood ba-ath!
Blo-o-od!
303
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:15,960
# Blo-o-od!
304
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,960
# Blood! Blood!
305
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,960
# Blood! Blood! Aa-ah-h-h!
306
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:26,640
# Suck on thi-i-is...! #
307
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:29,800
APPLAUSE
308
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,960
No, no. No!
309
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,960
APPLAUSE CONTINUES
No, no. No.
310
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,960
Ladies...
311
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:44,800
..Ladies and gentlemen,
I must apologise.
312
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,960
I had no idea of the full content
of that song.
313
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:51,640
To any young people watching,
let me say this.
314
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:55,960
Whilst it may be all right
for a rock band to sing about it,
315
00:20:55,960 --> 00:21:00,960
murder, be it domestic or genocide,
is illegal in this country.
316
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,960
What was that? It was a song.
317
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:09,960
It started so well. You whipped the
skirt off, like Buck's Fizz. Then...
318
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,960
Do you mind standing here
as you were told?
319
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960
Please, come back.
320
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:21,960
Shona McGough's single is
in the shops, if you want
to annoy your neighbours!
321
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:27,960
Right. I've just been told Roger
Moore is at Chiswick roundabout...
322
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,960
Still there? He shouldn't be there!
323
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,960
I'll fill in
with a chat with Shona McGough.
324
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,960
She's beaten me to it! Oh, dear!
325
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,960
I need a chair.
326
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,960
Don't do that, please.
327
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:48,640
Sue. Sue Lewis.
Sorry, I n-need your chair.
328
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,960
BAND BOOS
Just sit round there.
329
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:55,960
Well, you're watching
Knowing Me, Knowing You
330
00:21:55,960 --> 00:22:01,960
with Alan Partridge. It's not quite
what we planned - but what the heck!
331
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,960
You can't say it's not interesting.
Please don't say that.
332
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:09,480
Don't do that. Stop it! Please.
333
00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:12,960
Ah! This is interesting -
a lady drummer!
334
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,960
Eyes closed, could have been a man.
335
00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,800
Thanks a lot!
336
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:23,960
Do you want to put those pears back,
please? No. D'you want a pear?
337
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:26,960
I'd really rather you didn't...
338
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:30,960
What the heck! Rock'n'roll!
Let's have a pear!
339
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:38,320
A question I've always wanted
to ask a Scotswoman - what has
a Scotsman got under his kilt?
340
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:40,960
His penis.
341
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960
I know what you think!
342
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,960
You think I'm a big square. Yes!
Let me tell you,
343
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:53,960
I've seen it all before.
I've inhaled hashish,
I had an Afro haircut.
344
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,960
I went to all-weekend binges
to Prestatyn to see Wings.
345
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:04,320
And Mike Oldfield,
Jean-Michel Jarre and The Eagles
could eat you lot for breakfast!
346
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,480
You're quiet!
Just enjoying the show, mate.
347
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:18,960
Let's move on
to the next part of the show,
"An Audience with Roger Moore".
348
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,960
I'm going to invite Shona,
349
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:25,960
Sue and Keith - not the band -
to join me in the Roger Moore room
350
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,960
for an audience with Roger Moore!
351
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:32,000
LOUD APPLAUSE
352
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,960
Can we have two chairs! Two chairs?
Two chairs?
353
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:47,960
Here we are in the Roger Moore room
for an audience with Roger Moore.
354
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,960
Roger could have come in, sat there
355
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,960
and chatted about things. We have
memorabilia from Roger's career.
356
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:57,960
There's a James Bond car.
357
00:23:59,960 --> 00:24:04,640
There's a golden gun
from The Man with the Golden Gun.
358
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,960
There's a Saint Annual.
359
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:12,960
I was going to get him to read from
it with his lovely, warm voice.
360
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:17,960
This was the show opening.
This was going to be marvellous.
361
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:19,960
Curtains!
362
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:25,960
Roger Moore! The quintessential
English gentleman.
363
00:24:25,960 --> 00:24:29,960
APPLAUSE
364
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,960
Who's not here.
365
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:37,960
Now, Roger would have loved this -
I was going to introduce myself
by doing this.
366
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,960
Ah-ha! Mr Bond.
367
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,160
I've been expecting you.
368
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:45,960
Which I had.
369
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,960
It would have been fantastic.
370
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:51,960
What's that? That's a nipple.
371
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,960
What?
372
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:57,960
From The Man with the Golden Gun.
It's a third nipple.
373
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,960
That's a gold finger.
374
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,960
ģ
Sean Connery was Goldfinger.
That was a trick.
375
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:11,960
Sean Connery was a better Bond.
Well, interesting you take that
position - the Scottish position.
376
00:25:11,960 --> 00:25:17,960
In the whole Roger versus Sean
debate that's raged for 20 years,
377
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,960
I have to say
I am firmly in the Roger camp.
378
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:26,960
No-one could wear a safari suit with
the same degree of casuality as him.
379
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:31,960
It's a complete shambles.
He's not here!
380
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:34,960
You tell them
Roger Moore's coming...
381
00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,960
Let me stop you in your tracks
because, ladies and gentlemen,
382
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,960
Roger Moore IS on the show!
383
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:46,160
We're having him right now, live...
Where is he?
384
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:50,320
..live by telephone link-up
from the car on a mobile phone.
385
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:55,000
Hello, Roger! Hello, Roger.
'Hello, Alan.'
386
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,960
Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore!
387
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,160
Knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you, Roger Moore. Ah-ha!
388
00:26:02,160 --> 00:26:05,960
FUZZY CRACKLING
Roger? No, all right.
389
00:26:05,960 --> 00:26:08,960
I'll cut straight to a key question.
390
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:13,640
A hypothetical fistfight takes place
between Simon Templar, the Saint,
391
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:15,960
and Roger Moore, James Bond 007.
392
00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:17,960
Who wins?
393
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:20,960
STATIC
Any thoughts on that, Roger?
394
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:24,960
Roger?
395
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:27,960
Roger!
396
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,960
Roger!!
397
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:33,960
ROGER!!
398
00:26:38,960 --> 00:26:41,960
Does "Titanic" mean anything to you?
399
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:45,320
Oh, yeah, people go on about...
Titanic?!
400
00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:50,960
Let me tell you something. People
forget that on its maiden voyage,
401
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:56,960
there were over a thousand miles of
cruising before it hit the iceberg.
402
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,960
Anyway, he was on the show.
Doesn't count.
403
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,960
Face it - he's Roger the Dodger.
404
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,960
Am I right?
ALL: You're not wrong!
405
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,320
All right. Point taken.
But we can rescue it.
406
00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:15,480
Let's call this "Right to Reply
with Alan Partridge".
407
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,960
Let me hear any criticisms.
408
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,480
Criticisms?
A horse takes a dump on your show!
409
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:23,960
No manners, but what a critic!
410
00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:26,640
LAUGHTER
411
00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:31,960
You get a horse with a jump on.
She won't jump it. I couldn't.
412
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,960
It was dangerous.
You get a band on,
413
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:39,960
you slag us off the minute we
appear. Vegetarians - we get ham
sandwiches.
414
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:42,960
You get me own kid on!
415
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:45,960
When the Director General
of the BBC...
416
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:47,960
Up yours!
417
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,960
Up yours!!
418
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,960
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES
419
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,960
You can't say that. Kiss my arse!
420
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:10,960
And on that bombshell,
it's time for me to say
421
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:13,960
knowing me, Alan Partridge,
knowing you,
422
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,960
Scotch lady.
423
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:20,480
Knowing you, the Hunt,
and knowing you, Mrs Mouse.
424
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:27,640
And I've just been told Roger Moore
has just checked into Claridges
where he's ordered room service.
425
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:28,960
AH-HA!
33396
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