Original subtitles

# Knowing me, knowing you

# Ah-ha!

# There is nothing we can do

# Knowing me, knowing you

# Ah-ha!

# We just have to face it - This time we're through

# Knowing me, knowing you! #

Ah-ha-a-a!

APPLAUSE

# Knowing me, knowing you! #

Welcome to Knowing Me, Knowing You with me, Alan Partridge, live from BBC Television Centre.

There's a new chat in town. DRUM ROLL

Tonight is a JFK kind of a night.

Just as everyone remembers what they were doing when Kennedy was shot,

I like to think that, 30 years on, people will remember what THEY were doing when I first said "Ah-ha-a!"

As our motorcade of chat cruises through celebrity city,

let's hope no sniper waits to pick off my star guest.

He arrived at Heathrow and is being whisked here in a Vauxhall Carlton.

He is none other than 007 James Bond, Roger Moore!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

My set is modelled on the lobby of a top international hotel.

And for the first time ever on a chat show, a beautiful fountain!

But first,

up there in their musical mezzanine,

let's get to know my resident house band, Glen Ponder and Chalet!

# Knowing me, knowing you! #

APPLAUSE

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Glen Ponder. Ah-ha!

Ah-ha!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Chalet. Ah-ha! AH-HA!

Great to have you aboard. It's great to be here.

SPEAK TOGTHER

Sorry? Sorry?

Glen Ponder... Glen Ponder and Chalet!

And you. Have a good time.

BAND PLAYS: "Knowing me, knowing you"

Well, it's time to meet my first guest NOW,

after I've done her introduction, now.

Now - Red Rum, Desert Orchid, Black Beauty, Shergar and Mr Ed.

What have they in common? They're celebrity horses.

My first guest is not a horse, she's a celebrity who rides a horse.

Let's see her in action.

Giddy, giddy - YES!

YES!!

Take that horse back to the stable and give it a kiss!

No finer way to start my series

than with world championship-winning showjumping legend Sue Lewis!

# The winner takes it all

# The winner makes it all

# The winner takes it all. #

There you go.

Got a quick whiff of your perfume. That's nice.

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Sue Lewis. Ah-ha! Ah-ha!

Right. Now...

..horses. Horses.

People say a dog is like its owner. Is a horse like its rider?

I don't know.

Can you speak up a bit?

I don't know!

There's no resemblance?

You don't think you look like a horse? I hope not!

Speak up!

I hope not! Sorry, could we turn the fountain off, please?

Sorry, Sue. Thank you.

The idea was to represent a fountain of knowledge, to symbolise the show.

Now...

Now, Sue... It looks lovely. It is. Well, it cost two grand.

That's the kind of thing you'll be seeing - lots of expensive items.

Now, you won the hearts of the British public

when, last year, you trotted off with the world championship. Yes.

LAUGHTER

How did that feel? Oh... Great!

LAUGHTER

Really?

Really great!

Was the horse, Joie de Vivre, was he aware of the excitement? Oh, yes.

Um...what...what did you...?

Did you give him a treat afterwards? Yes!

What?!

Did you...did you tickle his belly?

No, that's dangerous. I'm thinking of that man with the dolphin.

Um, Sue...let's move on to the anecdotes.

D-d-do the anecdote.

Well, all it was, was that...

..when you transport a horse

you have to be careful and it takes a lot of time.

The owner, Maxwell Henderson, was driving...

Get to the bit about the horsebox.

We were driving up the motorway...

She was driving with a man... Sorry, I'm doing it.

Right! Well, we were driving up the motorway and Maxwell needed a drink.

So we stopped off at Newbury. Could I interrupt you?

I've just been told Roger Moore has passed Heston Services

and should be with us soon. Sue...

Um...

..I've forgotten where I was! Where was I?

I've absolutely no idea. Look...

..go on to the other one. Oh, I remember! All right.

We stopped in Newbury so that Maxwell could get a drink - water or tea -

and I wanted something to read. So you bought a book. Yes!

It was a very small bookshop and they were catering for a mass audience.

Be quicker.

So I bought a book and when I was going out to...

That's not quick. She bought a book called Killing Horses

and the driver thought she was some sort of murderess! It was hilarious.

Hilarious!

It was the only book... That's the end...

The end.

OK... Now, it says here...Hawaii. What happened there? Exotic place -

give me spice!

I lost my luggage. Oh dear! What happened?

It turned up in Brasilia! Disaster! What next?

It was fine. Nothing missing.

You see, that's no good!

That's an incident, not an anecdote. Your press release says "anecdote"!

No good. Just for future reference, to save wasting people's time.

Not to worry. We've got a surprise for YOU

in this, one of the regular features of the series, Up Alan's Sleeve.

Well, Sue Lewis, this week,

I have for you, up my sleeve, a HORSE and a jump!

Bring on the horse and the jump!

BAND PLAYS "KNOWING ME KNOWING YOU" JINGLE

We couldn't get your horse so it's just A horse.

Now, isn't he a beauty?! SHE.

SHE..? ..Yes, you're absolutely right.

We've got the horse and the jump.

I've sprung this on you, but will you rise to the challenge?

I can't. She doesn't want to do it!

Do you want her to? AUDIENCE: Yes!

Jump the jump. No. This is a concrete floor.

A horse has delicate legs. It would damage them.

Can we gaffer-tape some sponges to the hooves? It would break its legs.

I can't. "Please don't break my legs!" she says! Don't do that!

All right, get rid of the horse and the jump!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Look at that!

That's YOUR fault!

She was nervous.

You really ought to get a dustpan! That could have been spectacular!

No horse jump and now just a lump of dung!

I'm sorry.

That's it!

No more questions? No. ..Have YOU got any questions?

Have you ever ridden a horse?

Yes, I have.

I went pony-trekking...

..with school - in Cornwall. Gosh! ..Like one of YOUR stories!

Ladies and gentlemen - Sue Lewis! INAUDIBLE

APPLAUSE

Fame! I'm going to live forever!

Stay there, Sue!

Fame! I'm going to learn how to fly!

Of course I'm not...

But, in a sense...my next guest DID. Two years ago, he was presenting the Loony Breakfast Show on Radio Leeds,

now he's the new host of This Is Your Life!

He's a trooper. I think he's super.

Please welcome Super Trooper Keith Hunt. ..Where is he?

"SUPER TROOPER" JINGLE

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Keith Hunt. Ah-ha! Ah-ha! Am I right?

AUDIENCE: You're not wrong! He's got a catchphrase already!

Best slip it in early - know what I mean!

You all right, Sue? You're not wrong! She's a barrel of laughs(!)

Pity it's empty! Am I right?

AUDIENCE: You're not wrong! Only joking.

No, you really aren't, not wrong! ..Um...Now, Keith,

This Is Your Life - it's a British institution.

It's as English as fish and chips.

Bangers and mash. The tower of London. ..Sue - something British? Um...Crufts?

Umm...but you know, I would...

I would dearly love my show to be an institution. You must change your theme tune! Abba's Swedish!

Well, that's a Swedish institution.

You can't get more Swedish. As Swedish as Ikea.

Volvo!

Sue..?

..The vegetable, swede.

Yeah...well, yeah...

The Swedes...

..don't have a bad life.

They get up in the morning, have a bowl of swede,

hop in the Volvo, whack on Abba, and go to Ikea!

I mean... I mean, that's my Sunday...

..apart from the swede.

Now Keith... I have Kellogg's Common Sense.

Keith, what's your secret?

I'm an ordinary bloke.

BUT - the big but - you do extraordinary things...because...

I have Keith's local paper, here, with a little story... No, no, no! Don't embarrass me!

A little story. Shh!

A story about Keith. Shall I read it or will you?

Will you? All right, all right. Listen.

The headmaster of me kid's school knocked on me door and said, "Keith,

"we're having a raffle to raise money for a mini-bus.

"Will you host it?"

I says, "How much does it cost?" He says, "18 grand." I said...

Sorry.

I'll just stop you.

I've just been told that Roger Moore is at Chiswick roundabout, so stay tuned!

Keith, carry on.

He said, "18 grand." I said, "Here's 20.

"Buy the mini-bus AND take them to Alton Towers!"

What a nice man!

You've got to put a bit back. And it's tax deductible.

Now, Keith, you like surprises.

By the way,

thanks for bringing that paper in.

LAUGHTER And...and...

APPLAUSE

Well done.

Um...you like surprises and we have now got a surprise for YOU

because it's time to go Up Alan's Sleeve.

Earlier on I had a horse up my sleeve for Sue Lewis.

People are asking, "What's up your other sleeve?"

Well, it's a child.

What's going on? A child you know well - you produced him.

Your very own son, Sam Hunt!

I don't believe it!

APPLAUSE

Hello! Keith... Now, Keith...

Keith... Hi, Sam!

Sam is your only son from your marriage which was dissolved some years ago.

You're only allowed to see him once a fortnight,

but I can speak to him, so you wait here while I talk to Sam Hunt!

Hello!

Sam, it's Dad! Now, I believe

you've got something special to say to Sam today.

Looking forward to next week. We'll have fun.

No, isn't there something else you want to say?

See your dad on the telly last week?

No! Sam, do you want to tell Daddy?

It's my birthday. It's your son's birthday!

Yes! Happy birthday, Sam. What have you got for him?

No, stay there. Give him this. There you go.

He got you £10.

Don't despair, we got you a present.

We've got you an Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack.

Take that.

And, not only that,

a trip to Disneyland with your mummy and her partner this weekend!

No, no!

No.

I've got custody this weekend. She knows that. No, it's been arranged!

Where are you going this weekend? Disneyland.

Of course you are! Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Hunt!

That way.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Sam

# Happy birthday to you! #

Great. Marvellous.

Funny feeling that backfired a bit. You should have checked with me first, Alan.

I didn't realise you would forget your only son's birthday. Leave it!

Oh, dear! I've blown my chance to be on This Is Your Life!

Oh, we couldn't have you on - we only have celebrities.

AUDIENCE: Oooh! Sss!

Sue, you got any children? No, I haven't. I have.

Fernando - he's at Cambridge -

and Denise.

Denise's birthday is on the 27th of May and Fernando's is on the 6th of June.

Quite close, so we have a family bash. Solid as a rock.

Do horses have birthdays? Yes. Do they get presents? Sometimes.

Really?

Even horses?

He looks like a lovely boy - Sam. Super lad.

How old is he? Five. Six! Six today.

Am I right? I'm not wrong!

Ladies and gentlemen, Keith Hunt.

Now...

Could...could someone clear that shit away, please?

It's just...it's in my picture. I don't...

LAUGHTER

People may associate it with me. I don't want...

Time now for my next guest. If music be the food of love, play on!

That's what Shakespeare said.

I'm not Shakespeare, but I say pretty much the same thing.

If music be the food of love, let's eat it!

Here with her new single, "Monday Morning" - I know the feeling -

Shona McGough!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# Monday morning at quarter to eight

# She gives her husband his cornflakes, he mustn't be late.

# She vacuums the carpets

# Makes everything clean Everything clean

# What would she do without Mr Sheen?

# She takes a shotgun from under the stairs

# And stands in the hallway

# Screaming her pra-a-ayers...!

# The gas man comes to read the meter

# He writes down the reading, scratching his head

# It's quarter to four and now the gas man's DEAD!

# Blood ba-ath!

# The postman arrives

# She says, "Hello, Ray"

# And smiles politely as she BLOWS HIM AWAY!

# Blood ba-ath!

# She's stalking the streets Her brain's on fire

# She guns down 20 in Visionhire!

# Blood ba-ath!

# Her hubby comes home

# And he gives her a kiss

# She puts the gun in his mouth and says

# SUCK ON THIS!

# Blood ba-ath!

# Blood ba-ath! Blo-o-od!

# Blo-o-od!

# Blood! Blood!

# Blood! Blood! Aa-ah-h-h!

# Suck on thi-i-is...! #

APPLAUSE

No, no. No!

APPLAUSE CONTINUES No, no. No.

Ladies...

..Ladies and gentlemen, I must apologise.

I had no idea of the full content of that song.

To any young people watching, let me say this.

Whilst it may be all right for a rock band to sing about it,

murder, be it domestic or genocide, is illegal in this country.

What was that? It was a song.

It started so well. You whipped the skirt off, like Buck's Fizz. Then...

Do you mind standing here as you were told?

Please, come back.

Shona McGough's single is in the shops, if you want to annoy your neighbours!

Right. I've just been told Roger Moore is at Chiswick roundabout...

Still there? He shouldn't be there!

I'll fill in with a chat with Shona McGough.

She's beaten me to it! Oh, dear!

I need a chair.

Don't do that, please.

Sue. Sue Lewis. Sorry, I n-need your chair.

BAND BOOS Just sit round there.

Well, you're watching Knowing Me, Knowing You

with Alan Partridge. It's not quite what we planned - but what the heck!

You can't say it's not interesting. Please don't say that.

Don't do that. Stop it! Please.

Ah! This is interesting - a lady drummer!

Eyes closed, could have been a man.

Thanks a lot!

Do you want to put those pears back, please? No. D'you want a pear?

I'd really rather you didn't...

What the heck! Rock'n'roll! Let's have a pear!

A question I've always wanted to ask a Scotswoman - what has a Scotsman got under his kilt?

His penis.

I know what you think!

You think I'm a big square. Yes! Let me tell you,

I've seen it all before. I've inhaled hashish, I had an Afro haircut.

I went to all-weekend binges to Prestatyn to see Wings.

And Mike Oldfield, Jean-Michel Jarre and The Eagles could eat you lot for breakfast!

You're quiet! Just enjoying the show, mate.

Let's move on to the next part of the show, "An Audience with Roger Moore".

I'm going to invite Shona,

Sue and Keith - not the band - to join me in the Roger Moore room

for an audience with Roger Moore!

LOUD APPLAUSE

Can we have two chairs! Two chairs? Two chairs?

Here we are in the Roger Moore room for an audience with Roger Moore.

Roger could have come in, sat there

and chatted about things. We have memorabilia from Roger's career.

There's a James Bond car.

There's a golden gun from The Man with the Golden Gun.

There's a Saint Annual.

I was going to get him to read from it with his lovely, warm voice.

This was the show opening. This was going to be marvellous.

Curtains!

Roger Moore! The quintessential English gentleman.

APPLAUSE

Who's not here.

Now, Roger would have loved this - I was going to introduce myself by doing this.

Ah-ha! Mr Bond.

I've been expecting you.

Which I had.

It would have been fantastic.

What's that? That's a nipple.

What?

From The Man with the Golden Gun. It's a third nipple.

That's a gold finger.

ģ Sean Connery was Goldfinger. That was a trick.

Sean Connery was a better Bond. Well, interesting you take that position - the Scottish position.

In the whole Roger versus Sean debate that's raged for 20 years,

I have to say I am firmly in the Roger camp.

No-one could wear a safari suit with the same degree of casuality as him.

It's a complete shambles. He's not here!

You tell them Roger Moore's coming...

Let me stop you in your tracks because, ladies and gentlemen,

Roger Moore IS on the show!

We're having him right now, live... Where is he?

..live by telephone link-up from the car on a mobile phone.

Hello, Roger! Hello, Roger. 'Hello, Alan.'

Oh, joy! Oh, Roger Moore!

Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Roger Moore. Ah-ha!

FUZZY CRACKLING Roger? No, all right.

I'll cut straight to a key question.

A hypothetical fistfight takes place between Simon Templar, the Saint,

and Roger Moore, James Bond 007.

Who wins?

STATIC Any thoughts on that, Roger?

Roger?

Roger!

Roger!!

ROGER!!

Does "Titanic" mean anything to you?

Oh, yeah, people go on about... Titanic?!

Let me tell you something. People forget that on its maiden voyage,

there were over a thousand miles of cruising before it hit the iceberg.

Anyway, he was on the show. Doesn't count.

Face it - he's Roger the Dodger.

Am I right? ALL: You're not wrong!

All right. Point taken. But we can rescue it.

Let's call this "Right to Reply with Alan Partridge".

Let me hear any criticisms.

Criticisms? A horse takes a dump on your show!

No manners, but what a critic!

LAUGHTER

You get a horse with a jump on. She won't jump it. I couldn't.

It was dangerous. You get a band on,

you slag us off the minute we appear. Vegetarians - we get ham sandwiches.

You get me own kid on!

When the Director General of the BBC...

Up yours!

Up yours!!

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLES

You can't say that. Kiss my arse!

And on that bombshell, it's time for me to say

knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you,

Scotch lady.

Knowing you, the Hunt, and knowing you, Mrs Mouse.

And I've just been told Roger Moore has just checked into Claridges where he's ordered room service.

AH-HA!