All language subtitles for Jo_Koy_Live_from_the_Los_Angeles_Forum_(2022)_WEB.eng

Los Angeles, are you ready?

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jo Koy!

We did this, Los Angeles!

I waited a long time for this one.

We're in the Forum!

Finally! Two years!

You know what sucked?
Is this is all I know how to do.

Is stand-up.
And when they took that away from me,

it got to the point where I looked
at my son and I was like,

"Joe, this is all I know how to do!"

I looked at my son and I was like,
"We're going to starve."

But we're going to laugh doing it.

It sucked!

But now we're back out. Everyone's having
fun. Look at this shit. It's packed!

And there's a few people that are
still wearing a mask and that's fine.

That's your choice
and I'm not going to make fun of you.

Don't cancel me, please!

It's just my opinion.

But if you're going
to wear your mask tonight, good for you.

But chances are, you might get it tonight.

No one's six feet apart.

You are right next to that person.
They're going to be laughing like this...

You're wearing it.

I hated that fucking mask.

Don't get me wrong.
We all wore it. We were all scared.

I'm gonna be reminiscent, because
I was locked up for two fucking years,

so this is all I can talk about right now.

But we were all scared!
That mask was all we had!

We all remember that time
when we were watching TV

and then all of a sudden
a news anchor came out and was like,

"Breaking news!
People are dying everywhere!"

"Look at this footage!"
Then they showed some Asian guy go...

Fall to the fucking ground.
Then two hazmat suits came in.

They're like, "Oh my God, oh my God."

"We'll be right back to tell you
what you need to do." What the fuck?

Then they came back.
"This is what you need to do:

Wear a paper square across your mouth."

"You should be fine." No shit?" "Yes."

"And fill your refrigerators, because we
don't know how long it's going to last."

What the fuck?

I filled my refrigerator
for about two weeks.

I thought it was going to be done
in two weeks.

There were a lot of dads who thought
it was going to be done in two weeks.

That shit went on for two fucking years!

And the way my son eats,
we were out of food in four days!

And I think I speak
on behalf of every dad in here.

We felt like a fucking hero
when we were out of food.

We felt like a hero,

because every dad
walked up to the family and went,

"I will get this family food."

"I will risk my life
to go get this family,

macaroni and cheese,

and peanut butter and jelly
in the same jar."

"Someone give me a mask."

You wore that fucking mask.

We all wore that mask.

We don't know
if it was protecting us or what.

The only thing that we did realize,
and this is what I realized.

I don't know if it was protecting me,
but I know this is what I realized.

The minute I put on that mask
for the first fucking time,

I realized...

That my breath stunk.

Holy shit!

I never smelled my breath
like that before!

I think I speak on behalf
of a lot of people in here.

That was the first time
we smelled our breath!

And there are some of you in here
right now wearing the mask going,

"I think I know what he's talking about."

Yes!

Remember when you start wearing that mask?
I remember wearing it. I was in the store,

and someone was next to me,
and I smelled it and I was like,

"God! Is that...?"

"This fucker's got cavities or some shit!"

I started gagging.

"Excuse me."

Then I went back to my car
and I still smelled the same smell.

I was like, "Oh, fuck! That was me?"

"That was me?"

Fucking mask. I hate that mask!

I kind of love it,
because now I floss so much.

And the ones
that are wearing masks, going...

You know what that is?

That's a tomahawk ribeye in your molar.

You need to get it.

It's dying.

But I'm not going to lie.
That first month was the worst one.

We all acted the same way. It was scary!

Fuck. Remember the first time you went?

You didn't want to share
any aisle with anybody.

Six feet? Fuck that! Sixty feet!

You walk down that aisle and you see
someone coming down the same aisle.

"Excuse me, do you mind?"

"Please, if you don't mind.
Please. Six feet."

"You. That's you!"

"Please."

That was the first month!
We were all scared.

Don't act like you weren't!

You better not sneeze that first month.

Remember that first month?
You better not fucking sneeze!

You remember? You hold that sneeze in.
You're like... "Ugh God!"

"No!"

"No!" This is what you look like
under the mask. "No!"

"No!"

Because if you sneeze, what would happen?

"Superspreader!"

"This guy's a fucking superspreader!"

"No! No!"

"My girlfriend has cats!"

"I'm allergic to cats!"

It was right around month 11
that we didn't give a fuck anymore.

The 11th month. That's when we were like,

"Fuck this mask."

Remember that shit?
You'd just walk around.

If you had to sneeze,
you just did it underneath the mask.

Then you just wiped the boogers
with the mask.

Like, "Fuck this mask! Fuck this mask!"

"Fuck this mask!"

"I've been wearing it for 11 months.
It only has one string."

I sneeze multiple times.

11 times in a row, I'll sneeze.

That's how I sneeze. I don't sneeze once.

I remember I was at Home Depot.
I went at it, just...

Fuck it. A booger flew up.

A booger hit my ear.

I took the mask off.
I looked like I was in a Bukkake flick,

like, "Goddammit...".

"God! That's a lot!"

Fellas!
If your lady looks at you right now,

and goes, "What's Bukkake?"

Don't fucking say anything. Just...

Just go like this, "I don't know."

"I don't know why they're laughing.
That's weird."

"That's weird. What is that?
I don't even know."

And don't answer quickly!
You're going to fuck your night up.

You're going to fuck
your whole date night up.

"What's Bukkake?" "That's when
a bunch of dudes shoot their load."

"Like 11 dudes just go...

And she just takes it."
"What the fuck do you watch,

when I'm at work,
you creepy motherfucker?"

"You sick fuck!"

Now you've got to lie. "No, no, no!"

You've got to lie. "I was... I was Googling...

'Bouquet of flowers' for you one day...

And I guess I misspelled it."

I'm going to do a lot of my jokes
starting off like this: "Remember when?"

Remember when the CDC went like this?

The CDC went, "If you have lung issues
or respiratory problems,

just tell the security guard at the
establishment you're trying to go into

and they should let you in
without a mask."

And I was like, "Fucking bet."

"Let's go!"

I walked up. I was walking up like this.

The guy stopped me.
"Excuse me, Sir. You need a mask."

And I was like, "Oh!

Uhm... I suffer,

from a lung disorder,

so I cannot wear one of those."

And he goes,
"Sir, what is your lung disorder,

that prohibits you from wearing a mask?"

And then I said... this is what I said.
True story. I go,

"I didn't think you were allowed
to ask me that."

And he goes,
"No, Sir. We have to ask you."

"That way we can determine whether or not
you can come into the establishment."

I go, "Okay, fine. I suffer...

From sleep apnea."

Uh-oh. Oh, fuck. Let's hope this works!

And then he goes, "What's that?"
I'm like, "Fuck!"

I go, "Sir, it is a sleeping disorder,

where my lungs...
uh, when my brain goes to sleep,

so do my lungs."

"Like when my brain goes, 'Good night, '
my lungs are like, 'See ya!'"

"And then I just lay there like this."

He goes, "What the fuck?"
I go, "I know! What the fuck, right?"

I try to go in. He goes,

"Sir, I just have to ask you
a couple more questions. I believe you,

but I'm having problems understanding."

"If you don't sleep all night,

and you're not breathing,

then how are you up the next day,

shopping?"

I go, "Oh, that's easy.
I have a CPAP machine,

that helps me sleep at night,
and that helps me breathe."

And I tried to walk in. He goes,

"Sir, okay. Just a couple more questions."

I go, "Seriously, what is it?"

"What is your question?"

He goes,
"If the machine helps you breathe...".

"Yes, the machine helps me breathe."

"But how?"

"It just sits there?"
"No, there's a hose."

"There's a hose that pumps air
into my lungs, and that's how I breathe."

"All right? I've really got to get in."

And he was like,
"Sir, just one more question."

"What is it? What is the question?"

He goes, "How does that hose

stay on your face?"

And I go, "Uh...".

"I have to wear a...

A mask. Fuck you. I'll be right back."

"Fucking asshole.
What are you, a detective?"

No one takes sleep apnea serious!

They laugh when I say I have that problem.

"Ha ha ha! It's funny!"

That shit is a serious problem!

People with sleep apnea get to say
that we fight death every night.

I'm this close to dying,

and I fucking win every time.
I wake up a survivor.

Who gets to say that?
Every night, this close to dying?

I do! Sleep apnea. But no one respects it,

because I have to wear
a big fucking... mask!

That's why guys hate that.
That's the only thing that will cure us,

is a goddamn mask. There's no surgery.

And that's why guys hate to admit
that they have sleep apnea.

They'll say they're snoring
until they die.

And they literally fucking die!

I guarantee there's a guy in here,
right now,

and his girlfriend is like,
"You listen. Fucking...

Listen! Fucking idiot!"

Look! They're all pointing!
It's like clockwork!

They're all... Look! Look. She's so happy.

"Right here! This cocksucker, right here!"

Right there!

- What's your name?
- Dylan.

Dylan.

- How long have you been with Dylan?
- Four years.

Four years.

And he won't listen to you?

- Absolutely not.
- Look! "Absolutely not."

"Fuck that! I'm not wearing that!"

"I'm not wearing that thing!
I'd rather fucking die!"

He's serious!

Four years! She loves you, dude.
Wear the goddamn mask!

This shit will save your life!

- Oh, you're married?
- Yeah.

And he still doesn't want
to listen to you?

We're getting married.

- You're getting married?
- Yeah. And he still won't wear it.

And he still won't wear it.
Fuck him. Let him die.

Fuck him.

Fuck him, dude.

Fuck Dylan. Fuck Dylan.

That's what it will say on his tombstone.
"Fuck Dylan."

"Fuck Dylan. He should have been here."
He should have been here!

Oh, shit!

Dylan, it's done! It's done.

She's getting ready to marry you.
Why are you embarrassed?

This woman loves you.
She's giving you... Look at her.

She's wearing your ring.
You're not dating anymore.

It's not embarrassing.
If you were single, I'd get it.

Because when I was single, I hated it.

That shit...
Any potential of having a relationship,

done, the minute
I put the goddamn mask on.

It sucked!

It got to the point
where I'd hook up with a chick

and when we were done, I'd be like,
"You've got to leave. Now."

This one girl got mad, like,
"What the fuck? Seriously?"

"You're going to have sex and you're goin'
kick me out? What am I? A fucking whore?"

I was like, "No, no, no! That's not why."

"It's just that I have to wear something,
to sleep.

And it's embarrassing and I don't want
you to see that. That's all."

"It's not that. Not at all. I like you.
I want to continue dating you."

"It's just I've got to wear this thing."

And she's like,
"Oh, my God! You scared me!"

"Like, you really made me feel
like a whore!"

"I like you!
You don't have to be embarrassed!"

"I like you. That's why we took it
to the next level. Stop it!"

"If you've got to wear something,
wear it."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Oh, my God!"

"Stop! I like you.
What is it, Invisalign?"

"It's way bigger than that."

"Well, I don't care! Put it on."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! I like you! Wear it!"

"All right..."

I put that fucking thing on...

I wake up the next morning. Bed, empty.

Just a note that says,
"I didn't know you were Bane."

So I'd get it, Dylan, if you were single!
But she loves you.

- What's your name, hon?
- Erin.

Erin. Erin loves you, Dylan!

She doesn't give a shit you wear a mask.
She wants you to live. She's marrying you.

She wants you here forever. So do I!

So get the goddamn mask.

If you were single...
Dude, there's other things

that she's disgusted by with you.

Believe me.

Have you recorded him yet?

- Yes.
- You have?

He's seen it in 4K? Man, fuck this guy!

My mom recorded me on a camcorder.

A camcorder!

And there's probably kids in here
that are like, 14 or 13, going,

"What the fuck is a camcorder?"

You know that camera that's on your phone?

That used to be a separate device!

And it was huge! Huge, like...

Zoom, zoom, zoom.

Zoom. Press zoom. Zoom.

My mom recorded me on a camcorder.

You know what I mean? Not 4K. An old...

This was like, in the late '90s
when she recorded me.

And here's the thing.

She recorded me at like three o'clock in
the morning when I was dead asleep.

And the thing is with the camcorders
back then,

you didn't need any lights
because there was an option, a button,

that said "night vision."

And my mom clicked that thing
and it was like,

The Blair Witch Project.

She was shooting a documentary,
like, "My son...

My son says that he is snoring."

"But he is not snoring. He's dying."

"Let's take a closer look.
Come on. Let's go."

You know what it is, Erin? I think

Dylan needs to see it live,
to really experience it,

because on the phone, no matter what...
You can watch anything on the phone

and you're not really feeling the emotion
that Erin is feeling every night

while she watches her fiancé wither away.

So I'm going to do this, for Erin.

We're going to role play.

I'm gonna be Dylan.
You're gonna be Erin. You ready?

This is what Erin sees
every fucking night. Feel it!

Feel the emotion that she feels.

- Get into character!
- Got it.

Ready? This is you, every night.
This is how you sleep.

Look! She went, "Yes!"

Bro, you know, Dylan?
Your own hand tries to wake you up.

Did you know that?
Your own hand is like...

You know what you look like,
when you sleep?

Swear to God, this is what you look like.

You look like a ghost

is cramming his dick in your mouth

and you're just sucking ghost dick
all night, just...

And Erin's like,
"Stop sucking that ghost dick!"

"Dylan, stop sucking ghost dick, please!
Stop it!"

And you're like...

Just a line of ghosts
at the foot of your bed.

Just a line...

And they're like, "Yo, he thinks
he's snoring. Come on! Two at a time!"

He's like, "What the fuck?"

"Yo, Dylan's a crazy little fucker.
Let's go!"

"Three, three, three!" "Goddamn!"

"Shit!"

"Three dicks, Dylan? Stop!"

"Stop sucking ghost dick!"

You ever notice,

Dylan, when you wake up in the middle
of the night, you wake up like this?

Ghost Bukkake.

I'm selling CPAP machines
at the merch booth.

You know how funny that would be

if I had CPAP machines at the merch booth?

I'd be the only...

I'd be the only entertainer
selling CPAP machines

at the merch booth!

That shit would be so hilarious.
Just people leaving my show like,

"Not only was Jo Koy funny,
but I think he saved my life."

"Thanks, Jo Koy."

Got an infomercial.

Got an infomercial.
Dylan, do my infomercial.

"Hi. My name's Dylan."

"Hi. My name's Dylan, and for years,

I was addicted to sucking ghost dicks
at night."

"I would tell my wife
that I was 'snoring.'"

"But then I went to Jo Koy's comedy show

and I bought a CPAP machine."

"And guess what?
No more sucking ghost dick!"

"But guess who's sucking dick now?"

"Erin."

"Thanks, Jo Koy!"

Remember when we ran out of toilet paper?

What the fuck kind of pandemic is this?
Ran out of toilet paper!

I'd never seen humans turn into monsters!

On the news, you just saw
people with shopping carts

filled with rolls of toilet paper,
running to their car,

and then someone right behind them,
chasing them, like,

"My asshole is itchy too, bitch!"

"What am I supposed to do
with my itchy asshole?"

"Bitch!"

It scared me.

People beating up people for toilet paper,
like there was no other solution.

My mom was ready
for a toilet paper shortage.

She's been preparing
for that toilet paper shortage

since the day she got to this country.

When people ran out of toilet paper,

my mom was like, "What is going on?
I don't understand."

My mom has never run out of toilet paper!

My mom can use one roll of toilet paper
for a year!

A year!

And I know there are women in here going,
"How the fuck is that possible?"

I'll tell you how. This only goes

to the women that aren't Filipino.

I'm going to tell you a secret
that my mom does

and the reason why she never
runs out of toilet paper.

And this is only to the women
that aren't Filipino.

When my mom pees,

she doesn't wipe.

Oh, I heard a woman right there go, "Ew!"

Look. She's covering her mouth!
And she waved!

Look! Right there in the jeans.

Jean jacket. She went, "Ew!"

Like, "Oh, my God!"

"Oh, my God!" And then she went
like this. "Oh, that was me!"

"That's... Ew! Ew!" Look at her!

I'm going to tell you why.
What's your name?

- Eileen.
- Eileen, let me tell you why,

she doesn't use paper. All right, Eileen?

Because she washes it with water.

So ew you, bitch.
Don't you ever disrespect...

My mom's pussy in Los Angeles!

My mom's pussy is the cleanest pussy...

In Los Angeles!

And I take that back.

I didn't mean it.
"Bitch" like in "term of endearment."

I love you.

I used to say the same thing, Eileen.

I did. I used to be like,
"Mom, why don't you just wipe?"

"Just wipe!"

And my mom, quick! With the quickness!

"You want me to just wipe?
You think that's clean, Joseph?"

"I go pee-pee and then wipe,

just wipe pee-pee all over my pekpek?"

"That's clean to you, Joseph?"

"Just pee-pee and then smear the pee-pee
all over the pekpek?"

"And make it salty? Salty pekpek?"

"I wash it, Joseph, with water!"

"Brand-new!"

"Brand-new!"

"Brand-new!"

What?

If you really think about it,
that's brilliant! She's right!

Look at her. She was prepared.
Never ran out of toilet paper!

And never had a salty pussy!

Look. Women are agreeing. I see
some women going, "You know what? Yeah."

It's a brilliant idea.

Maybe one of those dog...
You know those portable dog dishes?

The ones that fan out and you close it?

It looks just like a little circle,
and then it pops up into this little...

Maybe bring that around.

That's what my mom has!

It's a different version.
She calls it a tabo.

It's a cup!

There's a lot of people in here going,
"What's a tabo?"

Especially the ones that aren't Filipino.
I'm going to tell you what a tabo is.

A tabo can be anything.

A coffee mug with a broken handle.

An empty "I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter!" container.

Or my mom's favorite:
A Super Big Gulp cup.

"Because it holds 44 ounces
of water, Joseph!"

"I can really clean it, huh?"

And my mom's tabo sits in the same spot

it always sat in
since the day she moved to this country.

Between the shower and the toilet.

That little area right there is called
"tabo lane."

And that's where
my mom's special cup sits.

And I know there are a lot of guys in here
that aren't Filipino going,

"Why are you telling us this, Jo Koy?"

Well, I'll tell you why.

Say you start dating a Filipino chick
and things go well.

You hook up one night
and you stay the night at her house.

You wake up the next morning. You brush
your teeth, you're like, "I need a cup."

Don't use that fucking cup.

That cup is not for your mouth.

Now, my mom and dad divorced
when I was about ten, eleven years old.

There's four of us.
There's Robert, Rowena, Gemma and myself.

Whatever my mom needed, she got. She was
the mother and father. I always said this.

It didn't matter what she asked for.
You got it for her.

You don't question her. You get it.

And you listen to our mom.

Here's the thing,
no matter what she asks for.

Sometimes, my mom would go to the bathroom

and forget to fill her tabo.

And of course,
the youngest would have to fill it.

It always...

It always happened
when there were friends at the house.

Just playing with my friends in the living
room and then all of a sudden I hear,

"Joseph!"

"Joseph!"

And I can tell by the acoustics,

that my mom forgot to fill her tabo.

"Joseph!"

"Joseph!"

My friend would walk up to me.
"Why are you ignoring your mom?"

And I'd be like, "You don't want to know
what the fuck she wants."

"Now just shut up."

"Joseph, I hear you!"

"Fuck!"

I'd walk so slow down that hallway...

Open up that bathroom door
and there she is,

sitting there with her tabo.

"What took you so long?"

"It's all dried-up already."

"Fill that up for me!" "God!"

I'd get so mad. "God!"

"I'm too old for this, Mom!
I shouldn't be seeing this!"

"I'm too old, Mom!"

My mom would be like, "See what?"

"Joseph."

"Joseph."

"Turn around."

"Turn around. See what?"

"This?"

"You used to live here."

"This was your old house
before we moved into this house."

"Now help me clean your old house!"

"God!"

I'd fill that cup up
with freezing cold water...

And run down the hallway.
My mom was screaming... "Joseph!

It's freezing cold!"

"You're going to give my pussy pneumonia!"

My friend was like,
"You gave your mom's pussy pneumonia?"

I mean, think about it. Think about it.
I mean, that's kind of cool.

That's what I love about comedy.

I can tell you about my culture,

and you can relate to it
or you can't relate to it. That's fine.

At least you get to hear about my life,
my story, and just hear, "Oh, goddamn."

Have you ever noticed that Filipinos,
we love Black people?

We love Black culture.

You don't have to explain anything to us.

We just get it.
It's almost like we're the same.

The food... Have you seen our food?
It's like soul food.

They have so much soul.
They sing. It's crazy!

I think it's that Spanish that's in us.
The Spanish that's in us. That's why.

And you know when there's Mexicans...

You know when there's Mexicans...

Out of all the Latinos, Mexicans are very...

They're proud people, but...

But they identify with Filipinos so much

because of that Spanish blood
that we have.

And that's why they come to my shows,
because they identify.

They're like, "What the fuck?
They're just like us!"

And they're in here. That's when
you know there's Mexicans in here.

Once I say, "Mexicans...".

They start whistling.

And that's when you know
there's Mexicans in here,

because no one whistles better
than Mexicans.

Close your eyes.
It's like you're in a bird sanctuary.

So beautiful!

No one whistles like that.

Each one distinct!

Their kids know that whistle.

They can lose their kids in the mall
and just whistle.

"Papá? Papá!"

"Papá! Papá! Papá!"

"Papá!"

I just want you to know, Mexicans,

this is how similar we are.

When the Spanish left the Philippines,
you left everything there.

That's why we're the same.
You know what I mean?

That's why we act the same.
They left everything there.

Their culture's just like our culture.

They do everything.
You guys work hard, we work hard.

Fiesta? Fiesta!

Mariachi? Karaoke! Same shit.

No one really wants to hear it.

But even our words are the same,

because when you left,
you left your fucking words there,

and we took them. You left them there,
so we fucking took them.

But we changed it.

We turned your curse words into desserts.

So know that.
I want every Mexican to know that.

If you have a Filipino co-worker,
just know

we took your curse words
and turned them into desserts.

So don't get mad,

if that little tiny Filipino lady,
comes to the...

Comes to work one day
and walks into the break room

with a tray of desserts
and walks up to you and goes,

"Put this in your mouth, puto."

Don't get mad.
"What the fuck did you call me?"

Because I get it.
In your language, puto means "bitch."

But in our language, it's a
delicious dessert with coconut on it,

and she just wants you
to put it in your mouth,

"puto."

I'm selling putos out front.

It's the craziest merch booth!

CPAP machines,

and tabos!

It's basically all the cups
and empty water bottles you're not using.

We're going to clean them out
and I'm going to sign them.

Some of you
are going to drive home tonight.

You're going to look at your wife and go,
"Maybe we should get a tabo."

And I'm not saying it's dirty.

That's not what I'm saying.
But like, sometimes, women,

when you go to the bathroom, especially
tonight, like date night for some of you,

and on date night,
you run to the bathroom real quick,

and you don't want to miss the show,

so you run back as fast as you can,
but you're peeing,

so you hurry up. And here's the thing
about women when you pee and you wipe.

I always thought the vagina was delicate,

and fragile. But women don't give a...

They don't give a fuck about...
like fuck, like...

Like they wipe it like they're oiling
a catcher's mitt.

Like, "Dry already, pussy! Let's go!"

And then you run back to your seat.
"Did I miss anything?"

"No, you didn't miss anything."
"Okay, good."

And then the rest of the night goes great,

and then you go home. Things go well.

But you forgot what you did,
how aggressive you were.

And a lot of you leave
little tiny treats down there.

What? What?

You do! Don't act like you don't know
what I'm talking about. Little tiny...

Little tiny toilet paper nuggets.

Little tiny fun treats.

"Clitty litter."

And it's there. You forgot!

And now he goes down on you,
and he goes like this.

And you're like, "What is it?"
And he goes, "Nothing!"

Because we never say anything.

We never say anything!
That's how much we love you.

That's how much your man loves you.

We're going to eat that fucking
toilet paper. We don't give a shit.

Eat that shit. Eat it.

It took us two weeks to go down on you.

You think we're going to fuck it up
on a little tiny spitwad?

Eat that shit! Some of them are big,
and we chew it, like...

Spit it out, like...
All of us.

Don't. Every guy in here knows what
I'm talking about. You eat it, you eat it...

Dylan! Dylan will eat a whole goddamn roll
of toilet paper.

Squeeze the
fucking Charmin right here.

I'm not saying it's gross! It's fine.

I'm not calling you out on it. It's okay!

We eat it! It's there. Fuck it!

Not like you guys. What do you do to us?

They make us feel creepy.

You guys make us feel so creepy.
One little piece of lint!

One little piece of lint at the tip,

and now the blow job's done.

You fucking assholes!

You just see it, like, "What the fuck?"

"Suck your own dick. I can't!"

"I can't."

My son's got it good. He doesn't have
to worry about filling a tabo for his mom.

There's a bidet now.

My son has a bidet. A dope bidet.

You pee at night, the lid opens up.
It's like, lights turn on.

"Pee here." It says it.
Like, "Come here. Pee." It talks.

"Hey man, what's up? Come over here.
Pee in my mouth."

That's the cool thing
about this generation.

They've got everything.
They've got everything they need.

They don't have to worry about the shit
that we had to go through.

Fuck. They've got it good.

I felt sorry for my mom.
Like, I don't know how my mom did it.

I've got all the tools
to keep an eye on my son.

I wish... if my mom had it... oh, my God.

Like if I didn't come home when my mom
told me to come home, she'd go crazy.

"Be home at ten. Please, Joseph.
Come home at ten."

30. "Oh, my God!"

"Oh, my God! Where is he?"

"Someone kidnapped Joseph again!"

"Someone kidnapped Joseph again."

Which means I was kidnapped before.

I was never kidnapped.

With my son? "Find My Son" app.

I press a button.
If he doesn't return my text...

I'll text him five times.
"Hey, where are you?" Doesn't return.

"Hey, answer your phone." Doesn't return.

"Hey man, where are you?"

I just press the "Find My Son" app
and a little emoji

of my son is in front of 7-Eleven
like this.

And I can go to sleep!

The shit these kids have are amazing.

And you've got to tell them
how good they've got it.

They can download a movie in less than
five minutes. Less than that. A minute!

4K, they can watch a movie. You've got
to tell them how hard we had it,

what we had to do for the new movie.

"New Release Tuesdays"
at Blockbuster Video.

Where they promised you a 100 copies
of Jurassic Park,

and you got there early
and you ran up to that display wall

and you flipped every cover, and it said,
"Out of stock, out of stock,

out of stock, out of stock." "Fuck!"

Then you ran up to the counter.

"Did anyone return Jurassic Park?"

And then he goes, "No, but we have some
coming in, in two hours."

"I'll wait!" And you fucking stood there
by the counter.

And you looked out that window
where the return drop was, like a nerd,

just scouting.

Then you'd see people dropping covers in,

and you'd try to read them real fast.

You saw one go in. It had letters J and U.
You were like, "Oh! I think that was...".

"Sir! I think he just dropped
Jurassic Park!"

"I saw a J and a U! I'm pretty sure
that was Jurassic Park!"

"I've been here four hours. Please!"

And the guy's like, "Here you go, buddy.

And you're like, "Thank you so much. Yes!"

Then you look at it and you're like,
"Jumanji? I don't want this!"

Kid's got it good!

You know, I drink bottles...
I drink this bottled water,

and it started... 9.5 pH is the one

that was sold to me, by my son.

This is this generation.
This is how good they've got it.

I'm paying like, five dollars a bottle.
What the fuck am I doing?

Because one day my son
came home from school.

It was like the fourth grade.
I don't know what grade.

He was really young, and he came back
with a note from the teacher that said,

"Can you please pack bottled waters
for your son?"

"Three bottles, if you don't mind, because
we're shutting off the water fountains."

I was like, "What?"
They said, "Preferably 9.5 pH."

"Give them healthier water."

I was like,
"Joe, what is this 9.5 pH water?"

He said, "Oh, they want us to drink
9.5 pH water."

"It's healthier water for us.
It's really healthy."

"What does pH stand for, Joe?"
He goes, "Perfect hydration."

I go, "What?"

This fucker doesn't even know what it is.
We both don't know.

I go, "Why are they turning off the water
fountains, Joe? What is this all about?"

He goes,
"Oh, there's fluoride in the water

and it's not good for you, so they're
shutting off all the water fountains,

because there's fluoride in the water."

I go, "Joe, you don't brush your teeth."

"You should drink all of that water."

Fluoride in the water!

They're turning off all the water
fountains at the school. Shut them off!

I had to start buying bottled waters

for these kids. What the fuck?
We drank out of that water fountain!

I think I came out all right. I think.

I think a lot of us did.

We enjoyed water fountain moment.
You remember that?

That minute when each class
had to come out?

Each class got to come out

and they'd line up, single-file line,
in front of that water fountain,

and each kid got ten seconds
to drink as much water as he could.

And all the other kids would count.
"One one-thousand,

two one-thousand,

three one-thousand, four one-thousand...

And that kid's mouth is going...

"Four one-thousand, five one-thousand,
six one-thousand..."

"Seven one-thousand, eight one-thousand..."

That fucking kid was struggling!

Because the plumber that installed the
fountain put the water pressure so low,

it was barely dribbling over that nipple!

And he was just sucking it, licking it!

How healthy was that shit?

Sucking...

And what was that green crusty shit?

What the fuck was that? COVID-14?

These kids don't even know what a hose is!

They don't know what a hose is.
That was our bottled water!

You rode around for five hours.

You looked at your friend.
"You guys thirsty?" "Yeah!"

And you pulled up to any house,

any house with a hose in the front lawn.

That was communal!
Anyone got to use that shit.

Public property!

And you ran. We fucking ran! We all ran.

Who would get the hose first?
"I got it first!"

That kid thought he won, but he didn't!

Because he has no idea that there's water
in the middle of the hose

that boiled up to 450 degrees!

Now he's about to get a mouthful of lava.
"Turn it on!"

These kids don't even know what a hose is!
They don't know what a hose is!

I asked my son the other day.
I go, "Joe, do you know what a hose is?"

He's like, "Those bitches
at the club, Dad?" I'm like, "Joe...".

They've got it so good.

I love it though. I will say this.

I do love this digital era
that we live in,

the stuff that we have. I love it.

It's easier to raise a kid, you know?

His mommy and I have been divorced
for a long time,

but we're close, and we're great parents
because of these tools.

You know what I mean? Because of FaceTime,

because of camera apps and all that,
we can keep an eye on him.

And we work together as a team. I love it!

She lives right down the street from me.
She's got all the codes to my house.

She's got all the... Whatever I need.
If he stays at my place

and I'm on the road,
I can just FaceTime her

and she'll go over and take care
of whatever I need to take care of.

Yo, it's the best situation. I love it.

But here's the thing.
No matter how many tools we have,

teenagers will be teenagers.

He's doing the same fucked-up shit
I was doing when I was a kid.

And he doesn't care!

He thinks he's getting away with it.
I don't understand how.

He knows I've got all these cameras.
He doesn't give a shit!

Perfect example. I was going
to Connecticut. This was when he was 15.

I was going to Connecticut,

and I told my son. I go, "Joe, look.
I'm going to Connecticut, all right?"

"And if you throw a party,
I'm going to know."

"So don't throw a party."

And my son goes,
"Dad, I'm not going to throw a party."

I go, "Joe, just listen to me.
Don't throw a party, okay?"

"Don't do it." He goes,
"Dad, I'm not going to throw a party."

"I promise. I won't invite anybody."

I go, "Listen to me. Just hear me out.
If you throw a party, Joe,

and one of your friends
jumps into the pool

and breaks their fucking neck,

they're going to sue me,

and everything I've worked so hard for,

to give to you when I leave this earth,

is going to go to dipshit Dave...

Because he dove into the shallow end
at two o'clock in the morning

with the lights off."

"Do you want to give everything
to dipshit Dave?"

He said, "No, Dad! Don't worry about it."
I go, "Promise me." "I promise!"

I go to Connecticut.

Five o'clock in the morning
my time in Connecticut

that means it's two o'clock
in the morning in LA.

This is what I wake up to.

It's my camera app. I open it.

Kids,

walking from the house to the pool.

"Fucking asshole!"

"You fucking asshole!"

"Fuck! You liar!"

"How many fucking kids?"

"Fuck!"

The last kid that walked past the camera
was my son.

This is how he walked past the camera.

I FaceTimed his mom.

"Hello." You're not going to
believe what the fuck your son's doing.

"Oh, my God. What the fuck is he doing?"
"He's throwing a goddamn party!"

"What? He said he was asleep."

"He's not the fuck asleep! He's throwing
a party and they're jumping in the pool."

"What the fuck?"
"I know! What the fuck, right?"

"And you know what I told him?"
"What did you tell him?"

"I told him if one of those kids
jumps in the pool,

they're going to break their neck.
And guess what? They're going to sue me."

"Yeah, I know that!"
"And guess what? When they sue me..."

"What? What about it?"
"If they sue me, no money for you!"

She's like, "What the fuck?"
I go, "What the fuck?"

She goes, "Let's go!"
I go, "Let's fucking go!"

So we got in her car.
She put me into the passenger seat.

"Your son's a fucking asshole." "I know!"

I reach for the seatbelt.

We pull up the driveway.
All the lights go off.

All the kids leave.
She walks right up to the front door.

"Open up the door!"

"Joe! Open up the fucking door!"

He opens the door.
He acts like he just woke up.

"We know you weren't sleeping.
Plus your feet are wet."

"I can't believe you threw a party."

"Your dad's so pissed." "What are
you talking about, 'Dad's pissed?'"

"Your dad is fucking pissed."
"What do you mean, 'Dad's pissed?'"

"Your dad is pissed."

The phone was still hooked up
to the Bluetooth.

I was yelling at the front seat
for 15 fucking minutes.

This is my fourth special with Netflix.

But I'm going to tell you,

it's a love-hate relationship
with Netflix.

I'm going to say, I love them to death.

It's my fourth one.

But that first one? They didn't
give it to me! They didn't give me it!

And they're in here!
All the execs are in here. I see you!

And I love them! I love them for it.

But they didn't know
I'm cut from a different cloth.

If you're going to tell me no, I'm going
to show you why you need to say yes.

So when you watch Live from Seattle,
my first Netflix special,

just know Netflix said no to me
several times

and I had to pay for that shit myself!

Paid for it. All of it.

All in. Everything that I worked for
since 1989

went into that special. Broke!

Upstairs in the green room,
crying to my agent and my manager.

"This is fucked up!"

My son asleep on the couch.

"This is fucked up!
Why do I have to pay for my special?"

"I've got guys opening for me. They've got
a special. I don't get a fucking special?"

And my agent and my manager were like,
"Fucking kill it. We'll handle business."

"Just go out there and do
what you do best." I was like...

"Coming to the stage, Jo Koy!"
And I walked out like I didn't cry.

"Hi, everyone."

Not only did they say no to me,

but when they found out I was shooting it,

they called my agent and my manager
about two days prior

and they go, "Hey, we heard Jo Koy
is shooting his own special."

"We just want you to know
we really don't want it."

What the fuck?

They really said that!

That's the kind of pressure... like, what?

The one network I want
to pay for this special

and they're telling me right now,
"We don't want it."

I haven't even shot it yet!

I just got all these cameras!

Didn't stop me. You still do it.

Fucking barefoot!
No matter what the obstacle is.

I'm sorry I turned this into a TED Talk.

I don't want to sit here and talk
about my mom's pussy for 15 minutes

and then motivate you.

I'm just saying,
sometimes you need to hear struggle

to success.

For every successful story,
there's a lot of struggle.

And don't let anyone shit on your dreams!

I'm not saying Netflix shit on my dreams,

but it was my dream
and you weren't going to say no to me.

I was going to die trying.

I was broke when I shot that shit!

Cut it up myself, edited it up myself.

I became an editor, a producer.
I did all that! Wore all the hats.

Then I cut it up
and I brought it to Netflix.

I was like,
"I know you guys said no to me...

But can you please look at it
one more time?"

I put that thing on their desk.

They called me an hour later.
"Don't shop it anywhere else. We want it."

That's the story.

I know we live in a hard time right now.

And I know we all hear the same thing,

that, "Oh, you know,
it's not fair for everybody,"

and blah-blah, and a lot of you are like,
"Oh, fuck that. Stop it."

"It's 2022."

"Stop it. That's a lame excuse."
No, it's not!

Not all of us get the same shake
that you did.

Not all of us get to be heard.

Not all of us get the fair shake.

Like, some of us have to do
a little bit extra,

and you've got to be aware of that.

Just know that.
It's not easy for all of us.

There's a lot of voices in here
that need to be heard,

and we don't get an opportunity
like you do sometimes.

So just understand that.
It's not easy for all of us.

And I will tell you this one story,

this is to promote Live from Seattle.
Let me tell you how hard it was for me.

And this just happened in 2016,
so it wasn't that long ago.

But here's the story I want to tell you
about Live from Seattle.

I was put on a show to help promote it.

And I'm not going to tell you
the name of that show.

I submitted the routine,

and this is the note I got back
for the routine. Just hear me out.

The note was,
"We love the routine, Mr. Koy,

but can you drop the joke
with the accent?"

And I didn't understand that.

I was a little taken aback.
I was like, "What the fuck?"

"You mean the joke about my mom?"

"Because the joke isn't her accent."

"The joke is about a mom being a mom."

"She speaks English. She lives in America.
And she watches your show."

"But you don't want her voice to be heard
on that show?"

Taken aback. That's 2016.

That's when that happened.
All I wanted to know is,

this is what I said to myself,

did Jeff Foxworthy get the same note?

And I'm not dissing Jeff Foxworthy.
I love Jeff Foxworthy!

But did he get the same note?
Because he has an accent.

He's American. He speaks English.

But I don't know the difference
between Jeff Foxworthy going,

"Hey, what would y'all like
for breakfast?"

Or my mom going, "Hey,
what would you like for breakfast?"

I don't hear anything different
but systemic racism,

and that's what I'm saying!
Not all of us get the same...

Not all of us get that...

I'm just saying,
not all of us get the same shake.

So just know that.

There's a lot of voices in here
that need to be heard.

A lot of us. There's a lot of us.

And I'm glad I did that.

Because after that, I got
the next special. I got Comin' in Hot.

"Where do you want to go?"
"I want to go to Hawaii."

"I want to show more about us Filipinos
and other cultures on top of that."

"Where do you want to go for the third
one?" "Let me go to the Philippines."

It wasn't even a special!

"I just want to do one thing
where I can donate an hour,

an hour of air time,
dedicated to my mom's culture."

"I've been talking about it
and making jokes and having fun with it."

"But now let me show the world
what Filipinos look like,

what Filipinos eat,

what the Philippines looks like."

I wanted to give Filipinos an opportunity,

because I knew how hard it was for me
to get through the door,

so now I'm going to do it.

I'm going to help Filipinos that live
in the Philippines get some limelight.

I'm going to help some Filipinos
that live in America

to go to the Philippines
and show their talent.

That's all I want to do.

Because that's what Filipinos do.
When one gets through the door,

we let all of them
go through the fucking door.

Look at us!

Look at us!

We're all laughing at the same shit!

Turn the lights off
and we're all the same color.

But when we turn the lights on,
all of a sudden, we separate ourselves,

and that shit is ignorant,
so fucking stop.

That's all.

I'm glad I got to shoot that there.

I'm glad I went to the Philippines
and shot that.

I'm glad I got to dedicate one hour,

so that way people can see
how beautiful our food is and our people,

and see that we speak English.
You know how that helps tourism?

There are so many people that I bump into
and they go,

"Oh, we're going to go to Asia,
somewhere in Asia, for a vacation."

I'm like, "Go to the Philippines."
"Oh, I don't know. What's that all about?"

But now they know!

They can see that hour and they're like,
"Oh, fuck! Maybe we should go."

"Holy shit! They speak English there?
Let's go!"

You know how dope that is,
to go to the Philippines?

You can get lost in the Philippines
and someone will help.

You can tap anyone on the shoulder

and they will talk to you in English
and get you to where you need.

If you go to Korea and get lost in Korea,
guess what?

You're lost in fucking Korea!

You're going to be walking around
for an hour looking for Starbucks

and end up in North Korea. You deserve it!

You should've went to the Philippines!

If you get lost in the Philippines
looking for Starbucks,

you can tap anybody. "Excuse me.
Do you know how to get to Starbucks?"

"Do you know how I can get to Starbucks?"
Right away,

"Yes, I can get you to..."

"I love Starbucks! My God!"

"My favorite is the Mocha Frappuccino!"

"I love Starbucks!"

Now, the directions are going to be weird.

They don't have mile markers like we do.

They don't have the same kind of streets.
But they're going to get you there.

There are going to be landmarks, certain
types of roads that will get you there.

You just have to pay attention!

"All right. Listen closely, okay?"

"This is going to get you to Starbucks."

"What I need you to do..."

"What I need you to do
is go down this gravel road,

for about, say...

Three songs."

"Pick any song, but three of them, max."

"On that third song, look for
a yellow truck with only two wheels."

"When you see that truck with two wheels,
make a left turn."

"Walk down that road, say about...
my God, say... eh...

11 seconds."

"And right around the 11th second,

a dog will run past you real fast."

"Follow that dog.
It goes to Starbucks all the time."

I'm friends with Tommy Lee
from Mötley Crüe.

I don't know if he's here, but...
I don't know.

But I'll tell you this story.

And the reason I'm telling you this story
is because when In His Elements came out,

my special from the Philippines,
he calls me.

And this is what Tommy says to me.
He was like this.

"Hey, bro."

"I just watched In His Elements,

and I just want you to know,
it was fucking rad."

Don't ask me why Tommy Lee sounds
like Keanu Reeves

from Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

That's just how Tommy talks,
and I love it.

"Hey, bro."

"I just want you to know I saw
In His Elements. It was fucking rad."

I go, "Thanks, Tommy."
"Yeah, no problem, Jo."

"But I just wanted to...

I just want to ask you a quick question."

I go, "What is it, Tommy?" He goes, "Um,

when you were telling your jokes,

did you have to tell them when to laugh,
or when to clap?"

I go, "No, Tommy.
They speak fluent English

in the Philippines,
and they love American entertainment."

"They got all the jokes."
"No shit?" "Yeah!"

"Oh. That's fucking rad!"

I go, "Tommy, Mötley Crüe has been
touring the world for over 45 years."

"You guys never went to the Philippines?"

"Not once."

I go, "Why not?"
"Didn't think they'd understand us."

I go, "Tommy,
not only would they understand you,

but they sing your songs better than you."

"Just ask Journey."

And I know there's people in here going,
"Wait a minute."

"Steve Perry's Filipino?"

Steve Perry hasn't sung for Journey
for over 40 years!

The lead singer of Journey

is a little tiny karaoke king
named Arnel Pineda.

Tiny! He sounds incredible.

Talk about a dream!

Talk about crushing any type of obstacle
in front of him!

That's the shit right there.

If you want motivation in life,
follow Arnel Pineda.

This guy lives in a third-world country
wanting to be a rock'n'roll star.

I don't want to hear people go, "It's hard
here. The opportunities are hard here."

Follow that!

Follow that blueprint right there!

I'm not saying... Hey, look. I know it's
hard for all of us. But I'm just saying,

that's a fucking incredible story.

I want to make a made-for-TV movie.

I want to write, like, a four-part series
and sell it to Netflix,

and you better fucking buy it this time!

Because I'm going to win an Emmy!

I'm going to win an Emmy for it!

I'm going to win an Emmy!

And I already know the scene
that's going to win me that Emmy,

because I'm going to write it.
It's going to be brilliant.

Just Arnel singing his ass off
at a karaoke club.

Then his mom walks in. "Arnel!"

"What are you doing here,

singing and dancing like that?

You should be in nursing school!"

"But Mother, I do not want to be a nurse!"

"I want to be a rock'n'roll star!"

"You cannot be a rock'n'roll star!
You're Filipino!"

"There's nurses in this family, huh?"

"None of us are rock 'n' roll stars!"

"But I am the only one blessed
with a beautiful voice,

and I want to pursue my dream,
as a rock 'n' roll star!"

"You cannot be a rock 'n' roll star!"

"You're going to be a nurse,
like the rest of us in this family!"

"I don't want to be a nurse!"
"You're going to be a nurse!"

"I don't want to be a nurse!"

"You're going to be a nurse!"

And then his father walks in.

"Okay, all right, all right.
Enough of all this bickering."

"Sorry I'm late, Arnel."

"I was giving someone
directions to Starbucks."

"Honey,

if Arnel wants to be a rock 'n' roll star,

my God, let him be a rock 'n' roll star!"

"We have enough nurses in this family."

"But I'm just concerned for him,
after I leave this earth!"

"I might have not done my job as a mother,

because I didn't guide my son
in the right direction."

"Now he doesn't have benefits
or anything."

"Stop it. My God."

"Let him pursue his dream.
He has a beautiful voice!"

"And if anything happens to him
when we are gone,

we have plenty of nurses in this family."

"So what do you say, honey?"

"Let him pursue his dream. Come on!"

"You are right."

"Arnel,

pursue your dream
and be a rock 'n' roll star."

"Thank you, Mother. Thank you so much."

"There you have it."

"Your mother and I are giving you
our blessings."

"Now, Arnel, pursue your dream."

"Thank you, Father."

"You're welcome, son."

"Now get up on that stage
and show us what you've got."

"I will, Father."

"Arnel!" "Yes, Father?"

"Arnel,

just promise me one thing
when you pursue your dream."

"What is it, Father?"

"Don't stop believin'."

That's an Emmy! Say that's not an Emmy!

That's a fucking great Emmy,
and I better get one for it!

I mean, what did we learn from that story?

One, pursue your dream, no matter
how hard or what the boundaries are.

Conquer all and you can make it!
That's a beautiful story.

But on the other note, what a beautiful
love story between the parents,

to talk it out!

That's the key to a great relationship.

We'll learn that,

that if you talk it out, things will work.

If you talk,
that's the key to a relationship.

And that's another thing we're going
to learn from this fucking movie.

Look at all the relationships that end
because no one talks!

They hate to talk, and when you don't
talk, that's when a relationship ends.

And you know who hates talking? Guys!

Because women love to talk.

Just talk!

And if you don't want to talk to her
at that moment, then talk to somebody.

Not everybody.

Don't talk to your best friend.
That's going to end the relationship too.

Your best friend hated her.

He's been waiting for you to break up.

"You're not goin' believe what she did."
"I know. You don't have to tell me shit."

"She's always been that way, dude!"

What kind of advice is that?
"She's always been that way, dude!"

"I didn't even tell you."
"You don't fucking need to, bro!"

Don't listen to that guy.
Get the fuck away from him.

Go to someone that doesn't know
you or her. Get a therapist!

Pay for it! One hundred and ten dollars
for the hour.

Let that doctor figure it out.
Why, you'll enjoy it too.

Walk into that room. Every guy
will enjoy that 110 bucks. "Here."

"Listen to what this bitch did."

An hour, you just talk.

Then your doctor looks at it and goes,

"All right. I looked at everything, and,

you're wrong."

"Now go home and apologize."

"Okay. Thank you."

That's what therapy does!

That's why when people laugh
at therapy, I get mad.

You need therapy. We all need therapy!

There's nothing wrong with that.
Don't be embarrassed of that shit.

And don't laugh at someone when they say
they're going to therapy.

"Oh, he's going to therapy?
He must be crazy!"

That's fucked up!

No one's crazy for getting therapy!
We're all crazy!

All of us in here are fucking crazy!

You're crazy, you're crazy,
you're crazy, you're crazy.

We're all fucking crazy!
Don't act like you're not crazy.

You ever walk by yourself down the street
and look across the street

and see another person walking
by themselves, talking to themselves?

You say this to yourself: "Look at that
crazy motherfucker talking to himself!"

Who the fuck are you talking to?

You're walking by yourself

and you told yourself to look
at something you're already looking at!

You crazy motherfucker!

Talk! It feels good! Work it out. Talk!

Guys hate it, though.
We'll fucking fight to the end.

"Are you going to talk to me or what?"

"No. You know what happened.
You're just acting like you don't know."

"Now you're trying to make me say.
You know what the fuck you did."

"No, I don't know what the fuck I did!
That's why I'm asking you!"

"Well, if you have to ask me,
then fuck it. Nothing happened."

"Nothing fucking happened!"

"I'm just mad for no fucking reason!"

"I just chose to be fucking mad!"

"Oh, my God. You're fucking crazy!"

"You're fucking crazy!"
"No, you're crazy!"

"No, you're crazy!
I'm trying to talk to you like an adult."

"If you don't say anything,
then I'm not going to know."

"So tell me, what the fuck did I do?"

"If you don't know, then fuck it."
"Oh, my God!"

"Just tell me something!"

"Oh, are you going to act like this?"
"Yeah! Just tell me."

"So you really want to know? You really
want to know what the fuck happened?"

"Yeah, I want to know."
"You really want to know?"

"Yes! Tell me! Tell me, baby. What?"

"What the fuck did I do? What?"

"When he said I was sucking ghost dick,
and everyone was laughing,

and you didn't say anything!
I don't suck ghost dick, bitch!"

"I don't suck ghost dick, bitch!"

I love you guys. Thank you so much, guys.

Los Angeles, California!

Give it up one more time for Jo Koy!

I've got to share this moment
with my one-and-only right now,

my son! Bring my son out real quick.

We lived right down the street
when I was working at Nordstrom Rack.

This right here is my right hand!

Subtitle translation by: Antoinette Smit