All language subtitles for Jo.Koy.Live.From.Brooklyn.2024.WEBRip.NF.en[cc]

[audience applauding, cheering]

[MC] Brooklyn, are you ready?

[audience cheering]

["Interlude" by Jay-Z playing]

[MC] Give it up for Jo Koy!

♪ Allow me to reintroduce myself ♪

♪ My name is Hov (oh), H to the O-V ♪

♪ I used to move snowflakes by the O-Z ♪

♪ I guess even back then you can call me ♪

♪ CEO of the R-O-C, Hov ♪

♪ Fresh out the frying pan into the fire ♪

♪ I be the music biz number one supplier ♪

♪ Flier than a piece of paper
Bearing my name ♪

♪ Got the hottest chick in the game
Wearing my chain... ♪

Brooklyn!

[audience cheering, applauding]

Brooklyn, are you kidding me?

[cheering continues]

They asked me where do I want to do it.

I was like, "There's only one place,
that's Brooklyn."

I'm tellin' you right now.

[audience cheering, applauding]

If you look into the audience right now,

you kinda see every single color,
and that's New York.

[audience cheering]

It started off way way back in the day
in New York

where they just crammed everybody
onto this island

and said, "Hey, fuck it, get along."

- [audience laughing]
- [laughing]

Then all of a sudden, this happened.

I think the rest of the world
needs to learn a lesson.

I just see this shit,
and it just makes me happy.

I'm looking at everybody
and I'm like, "Oh shit."

[audience applauding]

It's kinda what we need right now.
Just laugh.

I mean, fuck, man.
Everyone's so goddamn serious right now.

Tired of being serious.

I just wanna hang out with people
that wanna have fun. I just wanna laugh.

I'm at that age now
where I just don't give a fuck.

[audience cheering]

Like, I'm tired of hanging out with people
that always wanna bring you fucking down.

You know what I mean.
Like just negative motherfuckers.

I call 'em Energy Vampires.

[audience laughing]

You know they just suck
the fucking energy out of you.

But as humans,
we like to hang out with people like that

cause we wanna make 'em happy.
It's our job. "Let's make 'em happy."

"Let's hang out with them.
Let's take them out, make them happy."

You do that for like eight hours.

At the end, you're just like,
"That was fucking exhausting."

[audience laughing]

You know what I'm talkin' about?

Some of you don't wanna laugh or respond

'cause you brought
that motherfucker here tonight.

[audience laughing]

There's some of you listening right now,
and they just going...

[mumbling]

[laughing continues]

Get rid of that motherfucker tonight.

Break up with him tonight.

That low-energy having motherfucker.
Get the fuck...

You came to a comedy show just to have
a shitty fuckin' look on your face?

Fuck you.

Die. Bye.

[audience cheering, laughing]

Do it tonight in the parking lot
at the end of this...

I swear to God! In the parking lot,
just be like, "You heard what he said."

[audience laughing]

"This is it. We're fucking done.
It's just done. You suck."

That's why when I do my stand-up, I scout.
I walk back and forth, and I look.

And I look for the ones that laugh big.
And that's the ones I focus on.

I don't give a fuck about anybody else.

I'm serious. Her, right there. She keeps...
Like she's got a fucking headache.

Just...

Right there.

Every joke, fucking...

fucking headache.

I'm feeding off of your energy.

Humans love to hang out with other humans
that are having a good time.

It's infectious.

Kinetic energy. We're really connected.

We're connecting.
I couldn't care less about anybody else.

There's another motherfucker
I like to look at.

This Black guy right here.

[audience laughing]

Every time he laughs,
he takes his two fingers

and pinch the tip of his fucking nose.

Look, right there.

Swear to God!

You think I'm making that shit up?

I saw it. I saw it.

This motherfucker has sinus problems
every time I make him laugh.

"Shit! This fucking joke, Koy!"

I'm your Flonase.

[audience laughing]

When they laugh, they laugh hard.

It feels good to laugh.

That's God's medicine.

When you laugh, it releases endorphins.
That's real shit.

That's not make-believe.

[audience cheering, laughing]

God gave that to you.
When you laugh, it releases endorphins.

Endorphins eat up
all that negative shit inside you.

You're gonna live a long life.
You're gonna live a long life.

You're gonna live a long life.
Are you with him?

He's gonna live a long life.

[audience laughing]

He's gonna be around
for a long fucking time.

His nose is gonna be running,
but he's gonna be around.

[audience laughing]

You gonna live a long life.
You, you're gonna live a long life. You.

Feels good when those endorphins
get released, you just feel good.

It's euphoric. The only way you get it
is through laughter.

That's why I tell people,
"Laugh. It's free."

Not tonight.

[audience laughing]

Not tonight.

But tomorrow.

Remember this shit tomorrow.

And that's fucking free.
It's like to-go laughter.

Take it home, you sneeze, sinuses.

"Oh my God, that Black guy."

[audience laughing]

"That fucking Black guy."

He's still fucking doing it.

He's still fucking doing it.

That's who you wanna hang out with.

[mumbling] Believe me,
I'm scanning through.

There's ones that aren't laughing,
just not smiling. Fuck 'em.

They die tomorrow.

[audience laughing]

They die tomorrow.

They could've lived,
but fuck 'em, they chose not to.

They came to a comedy show
not to laugh. Fuck 'em.

Die. Bye.

Bye. I don't give a fuck.

Bye.

[laughing continues]

[laughing]

You know how many muscles it takes
to not laugh?

You have to physically stop yourself
from laughing.

All your muscles, just tight.
[smacking lips]

[audience laughing]

Asshole, tight.

Your asshole is the tightest asshole
in this room.

[smacking lips]

Just little Raisinets
come out of your ass.

[laughing continues]

Can't even take a full shit
'cause your asshole's so tight.

That's why everyone thinks
you're full of shit 'cause you really are.

- [audience laughing, applauding]
- [smacking lips]

His asshole's wide open.

[audience laughing]

Wide open.

[blowing, grunting]

[laughing] He's got a gaping asshole
from laughing.

Oh shit, that's funny.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] Oh my God.

It feels good to laugh.

It does.

Why wouldn't you wanna laugh,

why do you wanna neglect yourself
from laughing? It feels so fucking good.

You... You're addicted to it.

Wait. You... You ever go to work late?

You go to work late, and you see a bunch
of people in the break room laughing?

What do you do? You start laughing
and walking towards them,

"What? What? What? What? What?"

They're laughing at you
'cause you're fucking late again.

[mumbling]

You wanna be part of that.

You never walk towards
the miserable person, right?

Fuck no! Stay away from that fucker.

Get those people out of your goddamn life.

Surround yourself with winners.
Surround yourself with real friends.

Social media's fucked up everybody.

They think everyone's their friend
'cause they're following you.

They're not following
'cause they like you.

Someone will follow you
'cause they wanna see you fuck up.

You ever think about that shit?

You ever do something really good
and post it,

then... then your friends
you thought were your friends

never say shit?

They don't even like the goddamn picture.

They act like they didn't see it.
You know they fucking saw it.

You know they fucking saw it,
but they act like they didn't.

Those aren't your friends.
Those are fucking crabs.

Get rid of 'em. It's easy. Delete.

[audience laughing]

Delete. Delete. Delete.

You'll end up with five friends.

You'll end up with five friends.
It's probably your fucking family members.

And two of them hate you too.

[laughing continues]

- What's your name?
- Larry.

Larry. I fuckin' love you, Larry.
You laugh hard too.

- It feels good, right?
- Right.

- How old are you?
- Forty-six.

Forty-six. See?
You have to ask Asians how old they are.

[audience laughing]

You have to ask Asians how old they are.

I'm sorry. It's a respectful thing.

Don't guess.

Don't ever fucking guess.

I thought he was young. He's old as fuck.

[audience laughing]

He's old as fuck.

He's just younger than me
'cause he's a full-blown Asian.

I'm half-white, so I got the...
I got the white part that was like...

[growling, mumbling]

The white...

The white part was like,
"I'm gonna make you old."

[laughing]

Old as fuck.

[laughing continues]

I like you, Larry.

- You got kids?
- Yep.

Goddamn right. How many? Only one?

Three? Goddamn!

[audience laughing]

How old are they?

Think about it. I'll come back.

Asians don't give a fuck
how old their kids are.

They don't give a fuck.

"How many?" "Three."

"How old?" "Who gives a fuck?"

[audience laughing]

"Who gives a fuck? I don't know."

"One, two, and three."

What?

This fucking asshole looked up, like...

[audience laughing]

"Let me get back to you
on that one, Mr. Koy."

How old? Teenagers?

- Uh, 15, 12, and five.
- Fifteen, twelve, and five. See?

It's our responsibility to remind them

that this ship that they're in right now,
as beautiful as it is, this social media,

we gotta remind them
that it's not fucking real.

They're living in that time where they
don't know what's real and what's not.

Everything that they're taught
is in 15 fucking seconds.

Fifteen seconds!
They already know the Goddamn world.

Fifteen seconds, they already know

that Black people have a problem
with these people,

and white people fucking hate everybody.

And Asians wanna take over the world.

And th... All this in 15 seconds,
and our youth is watching this shit.

And they're consuming it.

They're taking that information in,

and that's what they base
their fucking truth on.

And it's up to us to make them realize
that that's wrong. It's wrong.

You're not...
You need to go out and see shit.

Stop hiding in your shell
and letting social media tell you

who's wrong and who's right.

Go out there
and fucking find out for yourself.

If you come to Brooklyn,

I see white people, I see Asian people,
I see Black people,

and we fucking love to laugh
at the same fucking thing.

[audience cheering, applauding]

So funny how they say social media
is supposed to help us socially,

but it doesn't.

You should call it anti-social media.
They don't hang out with anybody anymore.

These kids have no idea
how to walk up to someone and say "hi."

They just slide into the DM
and send a fucking emoji.

[audience laughing]

That's their pickup line.

A fucking eggplant
with shit squirting out of it.

[audience laughing]

If she doesn't respond, "Big deal."

It's a numbers game for them.

Happy face with heart eyes.

What the fuck is that?

There's no risk. There's no build-up.

You don't get your own confidence
from that, right?

When we... What we had to do when...

Like especially me,
if I was interested in a girl,

it was like five months
of just looking at her every day.

[audience laughing]

Dude, just fuckin'...
Just stains on the chest.

Food on the corner of the mouth.

"Go talk to her." "Hold on."

[audience laughing]

You finally walk up.
"I think you're really awesome."

"Bye!"

[laughing continues]

[Jo laughing]

And guess what happened?

Nothing.

You go home, and you jerk off.

[audience laughing]

Crying, "Why did I say that to her?"

"Why did I even say that to her?"

[laughing continues]

[Jo laughing]

They got it good, you guys.

They really got it good.

Maybe we gotta take things away
and make them feel humble about stuff.

Like really humble them.
You know what I mean?

They take these pictures.

Every single kid thinks
they're a goddamn photographer.

And here's the thing, so do we.

But I know the difference when I took
a picture and when they take a picture.

They take a picture, they have no idea.

They've got so many shots of taking
a good-ass picture. Selfie!

Tik, tik, tik, tik, tik.

You ever see someone...
[mimicking camera flickering]

[audience laughing]

[mimicking continues]

Candid. Candid. Candid!

"How the fuck are you taking
a candid selfie!"

The fuck!

- [mimicking continues]
- [audience laughing]

"Got it." "Got it!"

"You just took 1,000 pictures!
Of course, you got it!"

"Filter. Filter. Filter. Stretch."

"Stretch. Filter. Filter. Stretch."

"Post. Caption: Crazy."

[audience laughing]

What?

They show everybody. "Oh my God.
Look, everyone liked my picture."

"Look, 400 people liked my picture."

No one liked your goddamn picture.

No one liked your fucking picture.

People are just, just tapping it
and scrolling up.

That's all... They don't even look at it.
Just... scroll. Scroll.

No one looked at your fucking picture.

When I was a kid, you liked my picture.

You had to like my picture
'cause I physically showed you my picture.

[audience laughing]

"Look at that. Look at that."
"Oh my God! That's crazy!"

"Yeah, it's cool.
It's fucking cool, right?"

"Yeah. All right. Cool."

Maybe that's what we should do.

Give them a disposable camera.
You like, "Here you go."

"There you go.
Take your... take your selfies with that."

[audience laughing]

"You got... you got 12 shots, you better..."

"You got 12 shots, motherfucker. You bet...
You better make sure it's a good one."

Let's see them try and get everybody
in the frame.

[giggles] And still,
wait for the flash battery to charge up.

[mimicking old camera build up]

"Why did you fucking look?"

"It's a gawk! I gotta charge it again,
you fucking asshole!"

[mimicking old camera build up]

[groaning]

Then you gotta... Then you gotta take it...
Then you gotta take it to a...

You had to develop it.

You have to... You put it in an envelope
and write your name,

and you give it to some stranger.
"Here, personal pictures of me."

[audience laughing]

And then it's a week... It takes a week
for that picture to come back.

And for a whole week, you're like,
"I hope those motherfuckers came out."

"I hope one or two came out."

Then you go pick up your pictures.

You get 'em developed.
You're like, "Nope. Nope. Fuck, nope."

"Out of focus. Shit. Goddamn it."

"Red eyes?"

[audience laughing]

"Fucking red eyes."

And then one comes out good.

One. You're like, "Yes! Got it."

And then you go, "Can I get duplicates?"

[audience laughing]

Ask these kids now.

Ever since they took that away
and all we have are the camera phones,

these kids don't even know what an orb is.

Ask a fucking teenager what an orb is.

They have no idea
what we're talking about. [mumbles]

An orb is when you get
your picture developed,

and in the picture,
there's a circle of light

hovering over somebody in the picture.

Guess what my mom thought that was.

[in Asian accent] "Your lola came
to the Christmas party."

[audience laughing]

"Your lola came
to the Christmas party, Joseph."

"She came to the Christmas party."

"She's by the potato salad, Joseph."

"That's her recipe.
She made your potato salad."

"For Christ's sake, Joseph!
She loved you so much, Joseph."

It was a dirty lens.

It was a dirty lens!

We put that picture on the altar
for six months.

[audience laughing]

I don't know, I guess I'm at that age.
I keep saying that, but I am.

I, physically and mentally,
have become my dad. It's so weird.

And I think we all morph into that.
We all eventually morph into that shit.

So, I'm just saying watch.
All you young fuckers, it's gonna happen.

Shit's gonna start breaking down,
you gonna start saying some old shit.

You don't even know why.
I said "neat" in the car the other day.

[audience laughing]

My son immediately called me out on that.

Like "Yo! Look at that building.
That's neat."

He goes,
"Did you just fucking say 'neat'?"

And I was like, "Oh my God, I did."

My dad used to say shit like...

Like, when I was a kid in the '80s,
I was a B-boy.

I was listening to everything.

I was listening to Doug E. Fresh,
Slick Rick, Beastie Boys. Doing all that.

My dad was like, "Oh, you're listenin'
to that hippity-hoppity?"

[audience laughing]

"Huh? You think that's music?
That hippity-hoppity, hip-hippity?"

"That's a fad. You need to listen
to real music, not that hippity-hoppity."

Now he's pissed me off.
I'm like, "Fuck you, Dad."

"This is the shit,
the music of the future. You know."

"Oh, we'll see. We'll see."
And I was right. I was fucking right.

[audience cheering]

I was right.

But now, now, hip-hop has moved on
to some other shit.

And now I'm sounding like my dad
'cause I'm like,

"You're listening to that mumbly-mumbly?"

[audience laughing]

"You're listening to that mumbly-mumbly?
They don't even say words."

Mumble. Mumble. Mumble.

Stupid, mumble, mumble, mumble word.

Mumble, mumble, mumble word.

My son's like, "Shut up, Dad.
Your music sucks."

And that, that pissed me off
because I know I'm right.

"Don't you fucking say my..."

"Don't you fucking compare your rap
to my rap. You can't..."

[audience cheering, applauding]

They're poets. They were fucking poets.

They were lyricists. They... they moved.

I mean, Biggie died 30 years ago.

To this day, you play a Biggie song,
and it still shuts down the club.

Don't act like it doesn't.

[audience cheering, applauding]

Fucking...

Don't get me wrong.
The mumble rap is catchy,

but I'm just saying,
what the fuck are you saying?

[audience laughing]

[mumbled rap]

♪ ...lifestyle... ♪

[audience laughing]

Just fucking mumbled
and then said one word! Fuck you!

[mumbled rap]

♪ ...lifestyle... ♪

[audience laughing]

[mumbled rap continues]

Shut the fuck up!

I'm sorry.

[audience cheering, applauding]

There's some people
that don't know what song...

Play that. Turb, can you play it?
Just play it.

["Lyfestyle" by Nyce playing]

[mumbled rap]

♪ ...lifestyle... ♪

[audience laughing]

[mumbled rap]

♪ ...my lifestyle... ♪

[mumbled rap]

♪ ...beginnin'... ♪

[mumbled rap]

Shut the fuck up!

Shut the fuck...

[audience cheering, applauding]

If I sound old, I sound old.

But I'm sorry, you play some Biggie,
and it'll shut any fucking place down.

Play some Biggie.

["Hypnotize"
by The Nortorious B.I.G. playing]

Sing it!

♪ Hah, sicker than your average ♪

♪ Poppa twist cabbage off instinct
Niggas don't think shit stink ♪

♪ Pink gators, my Detroit players ♪

♪ Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn... ♪

Stop! What?

[audience cheering, applauding]

♪ Timbs for my hooligans in Brooklyn... ♪

What the fuck!

That's the only reason why I wanted
to shoot this special in Brooklyn.

[audience cheering, applauding]

You couldn't fuck with Biggie.

Biggie made anything sound cool.

If he breathed heavy,
that shit was a lyric.

[breathing heavily]

[audience laughing]

[breathing heavily]

Whatever he said made sense.
He was a poet.

"And if you didn't know..."

[audience] "...now you know!"

Get the fuck out, Brooklyn! Let's go!

[audience cheering, applauding]

I love it. I love it. I love it.

This is so much goddamn fun.

I know I keep talking about this age shit,
but it's true.

I'm in that age now

where things are starting to tighten up
and not feel good.

[audience laughing]

Hangovers are longer now.
It's not just a day.

That shit's four to five.

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

That's why all you young kids in there,
enjoy it. Enjoy it.

Drinking all the time,
eating fucked-up shit,

it's gonna catch up.

Milk? Ah!

Eat that fucking milk.
All you kids, eat it. [grumbling]

Gallon after gallon, cereal. [gnawing]

I... Oh, I love that shit.
Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

I'd eat three bowls
of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at midnight.

Three bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!
[gnawing]

And then you drink the milk.
It's horchata. It turns into horchata.

- [gnawing]
- [audience applauding]

Not anymore.

I'm lactose intolerant.

What the fuck?

When did that happen?

All of a sudden, milk is poison.

I'm lactose intol...

Guess when I found out
I was lactose intolerant?

On a date.

[audience laughing]

On a fucking date.

Everything's going good, I order dessert,

she's like,
"Let's share." I'm like, "Yeah."

Apple pie, à la mode. We eat it.

I took half the ice cream.
Everything's going good.

I'm driving home. Everything's going good.

I'm looking at her like,
"Ooh, it's gonna happen tonight."

I'm driving. "Gonna get some tonight."

And then my stomach's like,
"No, it's not."

[mimicking stomach rumbling]

[mimicking continues]

[audience laughing]

"Fucking brakes."

The brakes!

I blamed it on the brakes.

Nothing's gonna happen. Done.

I'm not taking her home.
Nothing's gonna happen.

She's not gonna suck my dick
with a T-Rex in my stomach.

Imagine that shit.
She's like, "Oh my God."

- [mimicking stomach rumbling]
- [audience laughing]

[mimicking continues]

I... I thought it was the brakes.

[audience laughing]

I can't drink milk.

I miss milk. I miss it so much.

I still try and trick myself at night.

Late at night, I'll have a bowl of cereal,
trying to eat it fast.

If I eat it real fast, I'll fall asleep.

Maybe my brain won't register.
Like, it won't know.

[grumbling]

Then fall asleep.

Then my asshole's like,
"Hey, man, there's some poison."

"We're gonna release this poison
right now while you're sleeping."

"There you go, Mr. Koy."

[audience laughing]

[Jo laughing]

Just found out two years ago,
I got sciatica.

Whoa. What the fuck!

I didn't even know I had sciatica.
It just happened.

And there's young people
in here go, "What the fuck is 'Sciatica'?"

"Is that on Spotify?"

[audience laughing]

I got sciatica.

All of a sudden, my sciatic nerve
just locked up. It just stopped.

Doesn't work anymore.
My sciatic nerve. Yeah!

And I got it. And I know. Heres the thing.

I know other people got sciatica.

That's the cool thing about sciatica.
We're like a gang. Sciatica...

Sciatica recognizes sciatica.

You don't have to raise your hand.
I fucking know. I can tell.

I know who has sciatica.
Just look at the person...

You, especially! You're sitting sideways.

[audience laughing]

Motherfucker's sitting like
he's sliding into second.

I didn't even know I had sciatica.

I didn't know it was really bad

until I shot my last special,
Live at the Forum. That's when...

I was editing it.

I was looking at myself, like,
"What the fuck is wrong with my walk?"

Like, I remember that my leg hurt
when we were taping it,

but I didn't know it affected my walk
until I was editing the special.

I'm like, "What the fuck is wrong
with my walk?"

If you can go home tonight
and just watch it, just the beginning,

when they go,
"Ladies and gentlemen, Jo Koy."

I'm like, "What's up, Los Angeles?"

[audience laughing]

What the fuck!

What... what is wrong with my walk?

I had to go to a doctor
to see what was wrong with my leg.

By the way,
if there's a doctor in here tonight...

Yes, bring your compassion back.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

She was like, ah... Oh.

[audience laughing]

Don't know what it is with doctors.
They just lost that compassion.

All of a sudden,
they treat their patients like customers.

I'm not saying you do.
You seem like a happy person.

But I'm just saying,
fuckin' wheel it back.

Delivering bad news
like it's matter of fact.

Like, stop. We have feelings too.

Went to this doctor.
"Don't know what's goin' on with my leg,

but my right leg just keeps locking up.
I don't even play sports."

[audience laughing]

It hurts right here,
from my hip to my knee.

He goes, "That's your sciatic nerve.
Early stages of sciatica."

He goes, "You need to stretch
your IT band out."

"Okay. You need to stretch your IT.
Do you have a foam roller at home?"

I go, "You think I have the cure

when I just found out
what the fuck is wrong with me right now?"

[audience laughing]

"Oh my God. Mr. Koy, I'm sorry. Yes, I..."

"You go to any sporting goods store
and get yourself a foam roller,

lay it on the ground,

put it between your hip and knee
and roll back and forth."

"It's gonna be very painful, it's gonna be
very painful but do it a lot."

"It'll relieve all that pressure.
Stretch that IT band out there."

"You probably have a lot
of lower back pain."

I go, "I do.
I got a lot of lower back pain."

He goes, "It's gonna relieve
all that pressure."

"And normally, it affects the buttocks."

"But I notice you don't have one."

[audience laughing]

"You're just gonna say that
like that's not gonna hurt my feelings?"

He goes, "Oh my God!
Mr. Koy, I'm sorry about that.

"I didn't mean to say it like that. Um...
Does your buttocks hurt?"

[audience laughing]

And I go, "No."

And he goes,

"Exactly."

"'Cause you don't have one."

[audience laughing]

[laughing] And that fucked me up.

That hurt me. That crushed me.

I want every woman to know this now,
guys don't care about their asses.

We don't give a shit.
Whatever ass we have is the ass we have.

We don't wake up on Wednesday and go,
"Ass day! Let me get to the gym."

We don't give a shit.
We don't do crunches.

We don't do squats. We don't do anything.

The ass we got is the ass we got.

But now, my ego's shot

because a certified medical technician
that knows what an ass looks like

can't find one on my body.

[audience laughing]

He just looked behind me
and went, "Ooh, pockets."

[audience laughing]

So now I'm driving home fucked up.
Like, "I gotta have a something."

"I don't have an ass.
I don't have any ass at all."

"I gotta have something.
I gotta have a little ass."

"There's no way I don't have any ass."

And I go home, and I swear to God,

this is the first time
I ever looked at my ass.

I never looked
at my own ass before. I swear!

I'm like, "I gotta have something."
I took all my shit off,

stood in front of my long mirror,
and I went like this.

[audience laughing]

And I don't have an ass.

I don't have an ass. Nothing.

I have a long back.

[audience laughing]

I have a really long back.

And then there's a butthole
right at the bottom of it.

[laughing continues]

There's a butthole at the bottom of it.

My ass is hairy,
so it looks like a welcome mat

with an asshole dangling
from my spinal cord.

And I just went... [gagging]

[audience laughing]

[gagging] I just got a set of legs
going into my shoulders.

What the fuck is that?

[gagging]

And right at that moment,

I started thinking about
every girl that dated me.

I'm like,
"How the fuck did they stay with me?"

This is horrific.

The minute we hooked up,
the first time we hooked up,

she should have left.

Every girl I had been with
should've fucking ran for the hills.

'Cause I talk shit when I hook up.

Like, "I'm going to the bathroom.
I'll be back for seconds."

I walk to the bathroom
and my ass was like,

"We'll be right back. That's right.
Keep that pussy wet, baby girl."

"We'll be right back, baby.
We'll fuck that pussy, baby."

[audience laughing]

[gagging]

[gagging] How?

How the fuck did she stay?

And now... and now,
I'm talking to every guy in here.

If you're dating a lady
or if you're married to a woman,

you better cherish her
'cause she loves you for you.

Your soul, your brain,
that's what she's in love with.

It's not you, physically. I swear to God.

It's not you.
She loves you, the inside, your soul.

That's what she loves. Remember that shit.
I'm telling you right now.

There's good-looking guys here like,
"You ain't talkin' to me."

Fuck you. You too. You too.

You too. You have a cute face
till you take your clothes off,

and then you look like a melted candle.

Just fuckin'... [grumbling]

You got a red mole
with a fuckin' hair stickin' out of it.

[gagging]

[audience laughing]

I like to wear Polo underwear.
That's my favorite underwear.

It's the same one. On the back,
on the waistband it says,

"Polo by Ralph Lauren."

In the front, my stomach pushes it over
and it says...

[mumbling]

[audience laughing]

[mumbling]

That's what the fuck it says.

Doesn't look anything like
the goddamn package.

[mumbling]

I know there's guys in here
that know what I'm talking about.

It doesn't say "Hanes," it says "Nanes."

Yeah, you, motherfucker. You. You.

You. Every fucking guy in here tonight.

It's gonna happen tonight, isn't it?

All those endorphins
are going through her body.

And guess what,
she's gonna suck that dick.

That dick that's sitting right on top of...
that belly that's on top of your dick.

She's gonna lift that... that hairy,
that fucking hairy...

that hairy fucking belly
that's pushing your dick down.

Your beautiful lady is gonna lift it up
and go,

"I'm gonna suck this dick tonight."

"I'm gonna suck that. I'm gonna suck
a bear's dick tonight."

"I'm gonna suck this bears's dick tonight,
ain't I?"

"Make the sound, or I'm not gonna
suck today. Make the sound!"

Then you gotta go... [growling]

Yeah. [growling]

[audience laughing]

"Fucking lint!
Is that lint in your belly button?"

"I'm gonna suck.
Make the sound, or I'm not gonna suck."

[growling] Yeah. Ra-ra-ra.

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

Now... you know what's crazy?

Now I fall under the category of "zaddy."

I'm a fucking zaddy. Look. Look. Look.

[squeaking]

You're all cheering. Stop it.

Stop. I'm not falling for it.
There's guys that fall for that shit.

Go to Instagram, go, go, go online.
You'll see. You'll see #zaddy.

Click that hashtag,
you'll see guys that look like me.

Just fucking stupid poses like...

But then in... [laughing]

Then in the comment section
you'll see, "Ooh, zaddy."

"Okay, zaddy. Look at you, zaddy."

I ain't falling for that shit.
I ain't falling for it.

You're not ready for zaddy.

If you're in your twenties,
stay in your fucking twenties.

If you're in your thirties,
stay in your thirties.

You're not ready for zaddy.
Zaddy's a special kinda fucking dude.

"Oh, but I wanna be with zaddy
'cause he'll take care of me."

You need to take care
of fucking zaddy too.

Zaddy got sciatica.

The fuck you talking about?
You're not ready for zaddy.

What happens if we hook up
and I forget my CPAP machine?

What the fuck are you gonna do?

We hook up
and I don't have my CPAP machine.

I'm laying there and just...

[audience laughing]

[grumbling]

You're like, "Zaddy!"

"What's wrong, Zaddy?"

[grumbling]

"Zaddy!"

[audience laughing]

I need a woman with experience.

I need a woman that knows what to do
when something like that happens.

I wanna go out on a date and she's like,
"Let's go back to my place."

I'm like, "I don't have my CPAP."
She's like, "My ex had two."

"There's one in my closet."
I go, "Oh, Damn."

[audience laughing]

"I got distilled water today."
"What the fuck!"

Here's a PSA. Here's a PSA for all
the young ladies out there, okay?

If you're at a bar, and zaddy walks up
to you and starts talking to you.

All right. If he's talking to you
at the bar and he's standing like...

Let me get... Let's use this stool.

If he's... if he's doing this right here.

Talking to you like, "Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh Really?"

That's how a zaddy stands
when they talk. "Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah."

He's not doing that to be cool.

It's hot.

And my ball is stuck to my thigh.

[audience laughing]

That's how you detach your ball
from your thigh.

You just fucking...

"Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

That's a sticky ball move.

Ever seen a guy talking
and they do that shit?

"No! Get the fuck out of here!"

"Get the fuck out of here! Ah, shit!"

"Really? Oh really?
Really, really, really."

"That's crazy. Crazy!"

It's his balls.

Sticky balls are in here.

A bunch of sticky balls in here.
Look at how they're sitting.

Look at the guy sitting next to you,
his legs wide open.

Wide open. Don't give a shit about
who's sitting on the right or the left.

Just balls gently placed
on the cushion of the seat.

They can close their legs, but their balls
sit on the lap like a snow cone.

[audience laughing]

Sticky ball guy move.

Now you know, ladies.

When you go back to work, now you know.

That guy from accounting walks up to you.

"Hey. Hey, Rebecca, some of the guys and I
are going to Starbucks."

"You want a... you want a Frappuccino
or anything like that?"

"Get the fuck away from me, Steve.
Get the fuck away from me, Steve."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa."

"Someone's grumpy. Someone's grumpy."

[audience laughing]

I did that joke a long, long time ago
when my son was like...

I think he was like eight
or nine years old.

I would take him all over.
He'd always sit backstage.

I was fucking around with the audience,
and I did that one night.

I got offstage, I was like, "How was it?"

He's like, "It was good, Dad,
but I didn't understand that one joke."

I go, "Which joke?" He goes,
"The one about the ball on the thigh."

"I don't understand that joke, Dad."

"I don't understand the ball on the thigh.
Why was that so funny? I didn't get it."

"I didn't get it."

And I go, "Jo, you're not supposed
to get it. You're nine."

"Your balls are still
at the base of your dick."

[audience laughing]

"That's where
a nine-year-old's balls sit, Jo."

"At the base of their dick."

I go, "Your dick is like a hiker
with a really cool backpack on."

[audience laughing]

My dick's like a seasoned traveler
with a shitty roller bag, like, "Come on!"

"Fucking wheel's broke."

My son is 20, and I'm at that point

where I want to make sure
he lives the right life.

Unfortunately,
it's a different generation.

I'm trying to catch up,
but I know it's wrong. I know it's wrong.

I know they're a little wrong.
They're a little soft. You guys are soft.

Bullying. Oh my God!
This fucking bully thing.

I can't believe this bully thing.

I get it. There's some parents
in here now,

like, "You don't understand
what my fucking son is going through."

But you don't understand,
like, with me... like...

You know who the worst bully
was in school when I was kid?

My mom! My mom said the worst shit.

[audience laughing]

The worst shit.

Someone said something in school,
I'd be like,

"My mom already said that shit
this morning."

What the fuck?

He's soft.

It's crazy. It's a different time now.

I'm trying to catch up,
but I need the tools.

And my son is at that age.
He's 20. He's 20.

You know what I mean? He's 20.
I gotta make sure my son is ready.

As a parent,
I gotta make sure my son is ready.

And here's the thing. He's not ready.

He's not. He's not ready.

He's not.
He's not ready for general population.

[audience laughing]

It would be wrong if I sent my son
out into the... out into the real world.

People will be like, "Who the fuck...
Whose kid is this?"

[audience laughing]

"Who the fuck sent this out here?"

He's not ready. He's 20.

I can give my son
a fistful of money right now, today,

a whole bunch of money,

and I'll go, "Go, Jo,
you're on your own. Go."

He'll be back in six hours like,
"Dad, they took all of my money."

[audience laughing]

These kids got everything right now.

My son's out late with his friends? Uber.

That fast.

He goes out late with friends,
"Sorry, Dad, I'll catch an Uber."

All right. Cool. Boom. Catch an Uber.

I see my phone 'cause it's on my card.

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "Uber Black?
49.99. What the fuck!"

"Bro, you were a mile away."

Luxury. Luxury.
That's what they don't know.

There was no such thing as Uber.
What the fuck!

If I was out late with friends,
and it was school night,

and I called my mom, "Mom, it's dark.
Can you come get me?"

"No."

"I already have my pajamas on

and my... and my creams
on my face already, Jo."

"Just get home now."

"How?"

"No one has a car."

"Then run."

"Run. Run! It's a mile away."

"Run fast."

"Like, don't stop. Just look forward
and as fast as you can."

"And when you get tired,
don't stop, just keep going."

Fucking one o'clock in the morning.
[panting]

Fucking dark. [screaming]

Car with no headlights on.

[screaming]

"He's gonna... he's gonna rape me!"

[audience laughing]

I almost got raped ten times.

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

That's what I'm saying though.
I was never late again.

Shit, when the sun started coming down,
like, "Man, I need to walk home."

Uber Eats. Get the fuck out. My son...

When there's... Right?
When there's no food, Uber Eats.

"I'm gonna Uber. There's nothing to eat."

"All right, go ahead." He Uber Eats.

I see the bill,
"Goddamn! Cheesecake Factory?"

"You just took yourself out to dinner?"

"What are you on a date, motherfucker?
You got... you got dessert too?"

"Nice tip, motherfucker. You tipped?"

"You're a... you're a tipper!"

"You're a tipper, aren't you?
Jesus Christ!"

The fuck is that? Uber Eats!

He doesn't know about "No Eats."

[audience laughing]

No Eats.

I don't know how many times
I called my mom at work.

"There's nothing to eat."
"Look in the refrigerator. There's..."

"Ma, I looked ten times,
and it's the same thing every time."

"Look. Look again. Look."

"Look again."

"What's in there?"

"Like, ketchup."

[audience laughing]

"Flavor."

"There you go. Flavor. That's a start."

"Flavor! What else, Joseph?
What else is in there?"

"You have flavor. What's the other one
you have in there so we can make a meal?"

"What is it, Jo?
What flavor, and then what else?"

"There's, uh..."

"There's a slice of cheese
with four hard corners."

[audience laughing]

"Okay. All right."

"Now just... now break those corners off

because the middle is still good."

"It's slowly getting bad,

so you have to catch it
before it gets all bad."

"So now instead of square, it's round."

[audience laughing]

I got a ketchup cheese roll.

What the fuck!

[laughing]

Application. See, this is the thing.
They don't know what an application is.

Application to them, this generation,

they think an application is...
is everything.

It could be, it could be, uh,
I don't know, uh, I don't know, the games.

Whatever it is that they can download
is an application.

They have an application
that helps them fill out an application.

Cause they don't even know
how to get a real fucking job.

They don't know the struggle of going in
and asking to be hired.

They don't know that skill set.
Everything's easy for them.

They have an application
to fill out an application.

You get to fill it out.
You can just type it in.

And then you go,
"Oh, you know what? I like..."

"I like coffee. I'm gonna work
at maybe a coffee shop." Type that in.

"I wanna work, maybe, I don't know, maybe
point five miles away from my house."

"Pa-pa-pa. I'd like to make this much."

"And these are the only hours I can work
because of soccer."

[audience laughing]

And then the app comes back and goes,
"Hey! We found something for ya."

"Yeah, just right down the street.
Come on, they're waiting for ya."

"Yeah, and you know what?
They agreed to the money you want,

so go and get that job,
and enjoy soccer while you're at it."

"Thanks, app."

They got a goddamn job. No work.

They have no idea
about going to a fucking mall...

[audience laughing]

...with a shitty fucking button-up shirt,

fucking dirty tennis shoes,

with shirt's tucked in
to some fucked up pants.

And you're just looking at every store.
[groaning]

Walk in, "Are... are you guys hiring?"

[audience laughing]

"No."

"Not you."

Ooh...

[audience laughing]

Ask any of these teenagers if they know
what an application even looks like.

They have no idea.

You had to ask one.
Then they lifted up the register.

And then they...
It was like a thick sheet of...

It was a whole pad of applications,
and they only ripped one off for you.

[mimicking tearing] "Here."

You go, "Just one?"

"Yeah, just one."

You had to go to the food court
and fill it out.

[audience laughing]

With ink. It couldn't be pencil.

And you better not fuck up anything.

I always fucked up my name. "Fuck!"

[audience laughing]

I had to scribble out the "e"
and point an arrow and put a letter "p."

My name's Joseph, not "Josepeh."

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

I love it though.

I love being a dad, Larry.

[audience laughing]

Just gotta teach these kids.
Gotta teach these kids.

I know there's teenagers in here tonight.

I don't know where,
but I know you're in here.

Oh, right there?

Nice to meet you.
What's your name? Teenager.

The old fucker goes, "Me?"

[audience laughing]

"Me?"

"Steve."

[audience laughing]

What... At... at what point did you think
I said, "Teenager,"

and asked for your fucking name?

[audience laughing]

He's got a fucking whiskey sour.

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

What's your name back there?

- [Jo] Huh?
- Caleb.

Caleb? Nice to meet you, Caleb.
How old are you?

- [Caleb] Twelve.
- Twelve. Oh shit.

[audience laughing]

Shit.

Right.

[audience applauding]

You... you learned a lot tonight,
didn't you?

Shit.

Goddamn!

So...

This is your mom's fault, by the way.
Your mom fucked...

You're 12 though.

Your mom... your mom knew.
It's on the ticket.

It said R-rated. Don't get mad at me.

- [audience laughing]
- [laughing]

If Caleb goes like this... [growling]

I'll be like, "Oh fuck!"

[audience applauding]

Is he a good kid? Caleb a good kid?

He is? Does he clean his room
when you tell him?

No? Goddamn it, Caleb!

Clean your fucking room.

That's your mom!

Whatever your mom says, you do,
you hear me, Caleb?

When she says, "Clean the room,"
you say this, Caleb.

"How many rooms, Mom?"

[audience laughing]

That's your mom.

[audience applauding]

That's your mom!

Every kid in here,
you better realize that.

That's your mom. Listen to her.

Don't ever talk back to your mom.

Talk back to your dad.
Is your dad here? Oh, that's your dad?

Talk back to your dad. Talk back to him.

Check your fucking dad. Now is the time.

Check your dad.
Your dad's gonna appreciate that.

If your dad... if your dad smarts off
to your mom, you fuck... Check Dad.

Check that motherfucker. I did that shit.
I did that to my stepdad Fred.

He said something to my mom,
I waited up all night.

I was like, "I'm gonna fucking say...
Don't you ever!"

I was in my room, man.

"Don't you ever talk
to my mom like that. Shit!"

I waited up all night.
I heard him wake up in the morning.

He was making his lunch for work.
I walked into the kitchen, I go,

"Don't you ever fucking talk to my mom
like that again, hear me, Fred?"

"Don't you ever disrespect my mom.
You hear me?"

Fred's 6'4".

[audience laughing]

Six-four
Just leaned in and went like this,

"I don't think you understand
who you're talking to, bubba."

[audience laughing]

"Might wanna go to your room
and think about that real quick."

And this is what I say, Caleb.
I went like this,

"I'm gonna,
but remember what the fuck I said."

"Don't talk to my mom like that."

And I went to my room.

But guess what happened, Caleb?

Later on that night,
during dinner, Fred goes like this,

"Hey Bubba, I'm sorry about what I said."

"I'll never disrespect
your mama like that again.

"I'll never do it in front of you, Bubba."

[audience cheering, applauding]

See what I'm saying?

So, your dad, fucking walk up to him,
swell your chest up.

[audience laughing]

Just go like this.
"What the fuck did you say?"

[audience laughing]

"What the fuck?"
Like, get all that, all that, Caleb.

"What the fuck did you say to Mom?"

Say... Ball up your fist.

Do it, Caleb.

You know why? 'Cause your mom's gonna be
right behind you going,

"Why don't you say
what the fuck you said?"

"Say it to your son, motherfucker.
Say it!"

[audience laughing]

'Cause your mom has your back.
Remember that shit.

All these kids, remember that shit.

I don't talk to the girls.
I don't. I never do.

The girls, you're on your own.

I have a different attitude towards...
Like... like teenage girls, it's different.

They will just... For some reason,
they just do it right.

I got two sisters that just did it right.
I got my sister Gemma.

To this day, she's still in charge
of Jo Koy Entertainment.

Like, she runs
the whole fucking operation.

I ain't got nothing to say.

[audience applaudes]

They do it right.

The boys, I talk shit all the time.

They seem to be the same
all the fucking time.

So I'm only talking to you fuckers.

So... so next time your mom tells you
to clean the room, Caleb,

you say, "How many?" All right?

And all you moms in here,
when your kids talk back to you,

when they say shit like,
"I'm tired. I'll do it tomorrow, Mom."

Fuck that.

Every mom in here,
you need to tell these kids what you did.

Say it in graphic detail.

In graphic, descriptive detail.

When they go, "I'm tired.
I'll do it tomorrow, Mom."

Tell 'em, tell 'em what you did.

"Oh, you'll do it tomorrow? You're tired?"

"Did I say that to the doctor
when it was time to give birth to you?"

"'I'm tired. I'll do it tomorrow?'"

"No. I let you rip my pussy to shreds."

[audience laughing]

I know it's awkward.

There's women in here like,
"This is a little too much."

No, it's not. It's not enough.

I don't know what happened in society
that took that superpower from you.

Every single woman
should be bragging about that shit.

You're the only ones that could do it.
You're the only ones that could do it.

You're the only ones that could do it.

But for some reason, you're not allowed
to brag about that shit.

You should be saying that shit. Say it!
"You ripped my pussy apart."

And if they don't wanna listen,
fucking show it sometime.

Show the pussy. "Look at this.
Look, motherfucker, look."

"Look what the fuck you did."

Watch. He'll start cleaning the windows.

[squeaking]

[audience laughing]

[Jo laughing]

Caleb, I was there.

When I saw her laying on the bed,
and she was about to give birth,

I just remember the whole thing.
Petting her head,

and all of a sudden, this dude
popped up from between her legs.

[audience laughing]

It wasn't the doctor
we were seeing for nine months.

It was some other motherfucker
that just popped up and went... [groaning]

"We need to make an incision."

I was like, "What?
Like... like a C-section?"

He goes, "No, no, no, we're past that."

This doctor was like, "We're past that."
I go, "We're past the C..."

"Is there another section?"

[audience laughing]

"Is there a D and an E
that no one told me about?"

"No. No, no. We're past the C-section."

"Your son's head is too big."

[audience laughing]

"So we need to cut the vagina."

"We need to make a small incision
on the vagina."

And I went...

[squealing]

[audience laughing]

[squealing continues]

That's exactly what I said.

[squealing]

[audience laughing]

The doctor's like,
"We need to make a decision now!"

And I go, "Hold on!"

"That is a lot of information."

"You're just gonna throw that at me
that you gotta cut her pussy away?"

"I didn't know that.
No one showed me that on the video."

"So hold on! Hold on!
It's a very serious fucking question."

"Hold on!"

"Honey!"

"Honey!"

"Our son's head is too big."

"And he's gonna die
unless they cut your vagina."

"And the doctor needs to know
is it okay to cut your vagina,

or the baby's gonna die."

"So what do you wanna do?"

And then Angie turned into Hulk Hogan
from the WWE,

and looked at the doctor and went,
"Cut my pussy now, brother."

[audience laughing]

"Cut that pussy and rip that motherfucker
out my pussy now, brother. Oh yeah."

And then I went...

[squealing]

[audience laughing]

And then I looked at the doctor.
He already had a knife.

It didn't even look surgical.
It looked like a hunter's knife.

And he just stabbed her in the pussy.

[mimicking stabbing]

And then my son just fell out.

And hen I went like this... [gagging]
And I fucking passed out.

[audience laughing]

There were three people
in the delivery room.

Her mom, my mom, and me.

And no one gave a fuck about me.

The nurse gave my mom a smelling salt.
She put it under my nose, I woke up.

She goes,
"Get the fuck up. Your son is here."

[audience laughing]

Everything was foggy and hazy.

There was this thing on her chest.

I say "thing" 'cause it didn't look human.

It was like pale, green, gray.

Spots of blood all over.

Eyes swollen shut.

Mouth just looking
for something to suck on.

[gargling]

Head elongated.

[audience laughing]

I was like, "What the fuck is that?
The fuck is that?"

"Whose is that?"

I looked. You know what I saw, Caleb?
When I saw my son on her...

You know what I saw, Caleb?

There was a... there was a tube stuck
to the stomach. Did you know that?

Guess where the rest
of the tube was, Caleb. Guess. Guess.

Inside her pussy.

[audience laughing]

Like my son was an iPhone,
and her pussy was a wall socket.

Just keeping it alive.
Just charging the battery.

Look at your mom.

Look at your mom, Caleb.
You did this to her.

Twelve years ago.

[audience laughing]

Guess what the doctor said.
He goes, "We need to get the rest out."

I go, "The rest of what?"

Then she pushed,
and a Gucci purse came out of her pussy.

[audience laughing]

A Gucci purse came out of her pussy.

And I went like this... [gagging]
I fucking passed out again.

And I woke back up.

The doctor was holding
the umbilical cord in front of my face.

He gave me scissors.
He goes, "Bring your son into the world."

I tried to cut it, and it was too hard.

I go, "It's too hard."

"It won't cut. It won't cut."
And he took that knife and he went...

The blood hit my face. I went like this...
I fucking passed out again.

'Cause I thought he just murdered my baby.

[audience laughing]

Would you believe
that's not even the worst part, Caleb?

Do you wanna hear the worst part, Caleb?
You do?

Okay.

When I woke up, Caleb,

the doctor was sewing
her pussy back together.

Look at your mom.

You did that to her pussy.

Twelve years ago.
Just sewing the pussy back together.

No numbing shot. Just medieval.

[audience laughing]

That's what happened, Caleb.

That's what happened. Look at your mom!
You don't wanna clean your fucking room?

[audience applauding, cheering]

I love you, guys. Thank you so much.

[MC] Brooklyn, New York,
give it up one more time

for Jo Koy!

[audience applauding, cheering]

I love you so much, Brooklyn. Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Good night.

[applauding, cheering continues]