Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,094
Hawaii.
2
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,055
Are you ready?
3
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,601
Ladies and gentlemen,
4
00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:23,523
give it up for Jo Koy!
5
00:00:24,649 --> 00:00:26,609
♪ Five, four, three, two, I let one go ♪
6
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:29,029
♪ Bow, get the fuck thoughI don't bluff, bro ♪
7
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:32,032
♪ Aimin' at your head like a buffalo ♪
8
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,367
♪ You a roughneck, I'm a cutthroat ♪
9
00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,411
♪ You're a tough guyThat's enough jokes ♪
10
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:39,122
♪ Then the sun dieThe night is young though ♪
11
00:00:39,205 --> 00:00:40,665
♪ The diamonds still shine ♪
12
00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:42,459
That's what I'm talking about.
13
00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:44,127
Yes!
14
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,130
Had to bring it to Hawaii, baby.
15
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:51,426
Aloha is real.
16
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:54,345
If you're in a bad mood, just ,
shoot them with some Aloha.
17
00:00:56,014 --> 00:00:58,600
You guys are like Care Bears,
it just comes out of your chests.
18
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,311
"Someone having a bad day?"
19
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:03,897
Oh, shit.
20
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:09,110
People in Hawaii brag about shit
that no one else brags about.
21
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:11,529
That's real!
22
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,657
'Cause you cher--
you cherish the things that you have.
23
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:17,410
It's yours.
I love this, it's mine, brother.
24
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,081
I had a guy walk up to me,
25
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:24,292
he was like, "Hey, brother, you see my...
you see my brand new
26
00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,419
2003 Toyota Tacoma?
27
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:30,632
Cherry, bro.
28
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,426
Fucking cherry!
29
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,263
Lifted, bro. Lifted.
30
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:40,683
Lifted, 2003!
31
00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:43,937
Brand new, 2003.
32
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:47,273
Toyota Tacoma."
33
00:01:53,571 --> 00:01:55,240
You don't care, you're laid back.
34
00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:56,449
You live in paradise.
35
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:58,701
You don't have time... You're not uptight.
36
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,703
You go out, "Good, we go out."
37
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,832
Dress nice. "Okay, dress nice."
38
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,293
Nice outfit, "Where's my slipper?
39
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,466
Where's my slipper?"
40
00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,636
You guys will wear a slipper.
41
00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:18,263
"Slipper!"
42
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,806
Always, "Slipper."
43
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,809
"Slipper." Fucking brand new outfit,
44
00:02:22,892 --> 00:02:23,768
"Slipper."
45
00:02:26,020 --> 00:02:28,189
No one outside of Hawaii
knows what "slipper"...
46
00:02:28,273 --> 00:02:30,984
I'll tell you what "slipper" is.
It's fucking, look...
47
00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:32,861
-Look, "Slipper."
48
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:35,029
"Slipper, slipper,
49
00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:36,489
slipper.
50
00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:41,077
Slipper, slipper, slipper, slipper."
51
00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:46,875
I don't even know why you wear it.
They're barely on your fucking foot.
52
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,132
That's how you guys walk.
53
00:02:56,634 --> 00:02:59,179
"Slipper" at the front of your foot.
You're not even...
54
00:02:59,637 --> 00:03:01,973
It's not even on your foot.
You just, kick the slipper, step.
55
00:03:02,056 --> 00:03:03,016
Kick, step,
56
00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,768
kick slipper, step,
kick slipper, step, kick...
57
00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:12,609
You love the vowels. You guys love vowels.
58
00:03:13,902 --> 00:03:15,820
You don't care. A, the letter A.
59
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,073
How many A's can you put
in one street name?
60
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:22,577
How many A's? That's too many A's.
61
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:26,539
That's why if anyone comes to Hawaii,
I'm talking to the world right now,
62
00:03:26,623 --> 00:03:28,625
if you come to Hawaii,
don't ask for directions.
63
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,794
-All the streets sound the same.
64
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,296
Ask for directions, they'll be like,
65
00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,465
"Oh, that's easy, brother.
This how you get there.
66
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,385
You just go down Kaleakalakaka.
67
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:45,350
Make a right turn on Laukaladakalakau.
68
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:49,854
Left turn on Naukauaakala.
69
00:03:50,021 --> 00:03:56,527
And then a right turn on Ahaahahaha'aaa.
70
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,037
Love everything about Hawaii.
71
00:04:06,537 --> 00:04:07,789
Can't get enough of it.
72
00:04:08,539 --> 00:04:10,416
I don't even listen to the music
and I love it.
73
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,210
When I'm here,
I can't stop listening to it.
74
00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:14,170
Don't know any of the words. I don't care.
75
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:16,881
I drive and I sing...
76
00:04:33,898 --> 00:04:36,359
You're clapping. I just made that song up.
77
00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:39,946
You guys don't even know
what the fuck I'm saying.
78
00:04:41,030 --> 00:04:42,407
All I did was the vowels...
79
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,633
That hula is this shit!
80
00:05:01,509 --> 00:05:02,468
Hula is everything.
81
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,595
That is the sexiest dance ever.
82
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,515
All that shit they're doing now,
all the sexy dances they're doing,
83
00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:09,809
-they stole it from the hula.
84
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:12,270
Hula... that shit is sexy.
85
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,356
She talks to the man through dance.
86
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,066
-That is sexy.
87
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,569
She tells him what she wants
through dance.
88
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:22,947
"You come see me...
89
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:27,994
when the sun go down.
90
00:05:30,246 --> 00:05:31,706
You take me to dinner.
91
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,084
If I like you...
92
00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:37,754
I give you pussy."
93
00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:47,221
Everybody, look at this.
Every culture. Every race.
94
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:48,973
Every ethnicity is in here,
95
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,183
hanging out, laughing.
96
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:53,478
"Good time." They don't care,
"Good time, bro." They don't give a shit.
97
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:58,066
And we look... I look out into the crowd,
you can't tell us apart. You can't!
98
00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:01,527
You know how many Mexicans my mom
walks up to and goes, "Filipino?"
99
00:06:07,408 --> 00:06:08,618
"Mexican!"
100
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,204
"Sorry, sorry!
101
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,414
Sorry, sorry."
102
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:20,254
There's a way you can tell Asians apart
from other Asians.
103
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:24,967
It's by their accent,
and only if they have accents.
104
00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:28,304
Out of all the Asians,
Koreans are the easiest,
105
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,390
'cause when a Korean person talks,
106
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:33,101
they sound like they've been
smoking weed all day.
107
00:06:34,977 --> 00:06:36,562
Like right before they talk to you...
108
00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:52,328
Koreans sound like Asian ghosts.
109
00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:59,419
My best friend growing up was Korean.
110
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,504
I remember the first time
I went to his house,
111
00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:02,880
his dad yelled from upstairs.
112
00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:04,966
I thought the fucking house was haunted.
113
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:07,468
-Swear to God, right when I walked in...
114
00:07:16,686 --> 00:07:18,938
-I was like, "What the fuck was that?"
-
115
00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:21,941
"Ah, it's my dad. He just wants to know
if you're hungry."
116
00:07:24,485 --> 00:07:26,320
You can do that with any Asian.
117
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:27,530
Vietnamese.
118
00:07:28,656 --> 00:07:30,616
What? I haven't even done anything yet.
119
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:35,663
Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people.
120
00:07:36,164 --> 00:07:37,582
-You're my... I love you.
121
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,417
You're the smallest of the Asians.
122
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,212
You're smaller,
123
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:44,839
but I will tell you this,
124
00:07:44,922 --> 00:07:46,924
don't fuck with Vietnamese people.
125
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,427
They will fight anybody.
126
00:07:50,428 --> 00:07:52,972
Those little fuckers will fight any...
They don't give a shit.
127
00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:56,267
I don't care how strong you are,
they will fight you.
128
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:58,603
-They will run up to you and say shit.
129
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:01,397
That's their little feet.
130
00:08:04,233 --> 00:08:06,027
I had one run up to me
at the end of the show.
131
00:08:08,070 --> 00:08:10,448
"Hey dude,
what you say to me like that, dude?"
132
00:08:12,116 --> 00:08:13,993
-They talk...
133
00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:15,745
They talk...
134
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,415
They talk real fast...
You know they talk that fast.
135
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,958
They talk like this, real fast, like,
136
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,211
"Dude, what you say to me
like that, dude?"
137
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,796
-They talk real fast like that, dude.
138
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,300
Koreans sound like they've been
smoking weed all day.
139
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:32,970
Vietnamese people sound like they've been
doing cocaine their whole life.
140
00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:35,640
"Hey dude, what you say to me
like that, dude?
141
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:37,391
Don't you talk to me like that, dude.
142
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:39,060
What you say to me like that?"
143
00:08:40,478 --> 00:08:43,189
Vietnamese people put a period
after every word that come out.
144
00:08:43,272 --> 00:08:45,942
"Hey. Dude. What. You. Say. To. Me.
Like. That. Dude?"
145
00:08:48,402 --> 00:08:49,737
Vietnamese people go real high.
146
00:08:49,820 --> 00:08:51,614
They go real high, like that, dude.
147
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:54,534
They go down low, like that.
They start low, like that, dude.
148
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,869
Then they'll go real high
like that, dude.
149
00:08:59,789 --> 00:09:01,874
Vietnamese people sound like
they're in a car far away
150
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,293
and they drive by you real fast
when they're talking to you.
151
00:09:04,377 --> 00:09:07,421
Like, "Hey dude, what you say to me
like that, dude? Don't say that!"
152
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:10,216
Man, say that shit again, man.
Get out the car and say that shit.
153
00:09:15,429 --> 00:09:17,139
-Japanese.
154
00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,933
What?
155
00:09:23,145 --> 00:09:27,400
Japanese, only if they have accents
you can tell us apart.
156
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:28,651
Japanese,
157
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:29,819
very distinct.
158
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:32,363
When a Japanese man talks...
159
00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,532
it come from diaphragm.
160
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:41,038
This where Japanese man purr.
161
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:44,208
Huh!
162
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:46,294
Hi!
163
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,421
Japanese!
164
00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:53,968
Japanese woman,
165
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,596
doesn't matter if she's 12 years old,
166
00:09:57,138 --> 00:09:58,973
or 75 years old,
167
00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:01,601
they always sound 12 years old.
168
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,146
Let's go!
169
00:10:05,229 --> 00:10:06,647
Okay!
170
00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:13,404
That's why no one watches Japanese porn.
171
00:10:14,947 --> 00:10:16,282
No one watches Japanese porn.
172
00:10:16,365 --> 00:10:18,075
You know how annoying
that shit is to watch?
173
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,248
All right, let's go!
174
00:10:27,376 --> 00:10:29,378
Oh-oh, keep going!
175
00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:33,716
Uh-oh, in my eye!
176
00:10:33,799 --> 00:10:34,634
Ooh!
177
00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:35,760
Ooh!
178
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:49,690
Ever since my last Netflix special,
179
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,234
I've been getting a lot of Mexicans
coming to my shows.
180
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,029
-A lot of Mexicans come to my shows now.
181
00:10:55,613 --> 00:10:56,739
And they always come up to me
182
00:10:56,822 --> 00:10:58,532
and say the same shit
at the end of my show.
183
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,660
They always go, "Hey fucker."
184
00:11:02,161 --> 00:11:03,037
Sorry.
185
00:11:05,539 --> 00:11:07,249
It's so racist. I don't know why.
186
00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:10,461
I don't know why... "Hey fucker." Why...
187
00:11:10,544 --> 00:11:13,714
Why when I impersonate a Mexican guy,
I always gotta sound like...
188
00:11:13,798 --> 00:11:15,800
I always gotta sound like
I'm falling off a cliff.
189
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,260
It's so fucked up.
190
00:11:20,554 --> 00:11:23,432
It's a horrible impersonation,
but that's what they sound like.
191
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,644
They always sound like
they're falling off the cliff.
192
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,980
The longer the sentence,
the further the fall.
193
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,865
Mexicans always come up to me
194
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:42,618
and say the same thing
at the end of my shows, all the time.
195
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:45,079
They're like,
"Hey, your mom's just like my mom.
196
00:11:45,746 --> 00:11:48,374
Everything your mom does, my mom does."
197
00:11:48,457 --> 00:11:50,292
What'd I say?
198
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,003
"Everything..."
You look like a cholo, I swear to God.
199
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:55,715
-Its scaring the shit out of me.
200
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:01,220
I'm trying to do this joke,
but this guy's like,
201
00:12:01,303 --> 00:12:02,430
"Say it right, fucker.
202
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:05,891
"Say it right, fucker. Don't..."
203
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:11,564
You know how hard is it to be funny
when a cholo's looking at me like this?
204
00:12:15,943 --> 00:12:17,069
What's your name, bro?
205
00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:18,571
-Jason.
-Jason?
206
00:12:18,654 --> 00:12:20,865
-Are you Filipino or Mexican?
-I'm Filipino.
207
00:12:20,948 --> 00:12:22,283
He's fucking Filipino!
208
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:24,452
-Goddammit.
209
00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,370
See what the fuck I'm talking about?
210
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:33,002
-You look like my brother, man.
211
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:34,795
Jason?
212
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,673
See, this is what I want everyone
to know, man.
213
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:40,968
There's a reason why
Mexicans and Filipinos look a like.
214
00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:43,763
There's a reason why
Mexicans and Filipinos relate.
215
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,890
It's a lot deeper than Vicks VapoRub.
216
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,728
That's not the only common bond we have.
217
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:52,980
I don't want you to come up to me
at the end of the show,
218
00:12:53,063 --> 00:12:55,149
"Hey, my mom use Vick's VapoRub too.
That's so crazy."
219
00:12:55,232 --> 00:12:56,859
-No, it's not.
220
00:12:56,942 --> 00:12:58,319
There's a reason why.
221
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:01,071
There's a reason why we relate
on so many other levels.
222
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:05,201
Spain conquered the Philippines
for over 350 years.
223
00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:06,702
That's real shit.
224
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,537
You guys bred with us.
225
00:13:10,247 --> 00:13:11,999
We're the first hybrid race.
226
00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:13,501
That's what Filipinos are:
227
00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:14,710
Spanish, Asian.
228
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:15,711
Filipino.
229
00:13:19,715 --> 00:13:21,008
That's what we are.
230
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:24,345
It's a bad thing what happened,
but it's also a good thing.
231
00:13:24,428 --> 00:13:26,430
We got a lot of their traits,
a lot of their culture.
232
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,015
Know what I'm saying? We look like 'em.
233
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:30,392
Look at us.
We're two hour flight from Japan.
234
00:13:30,476 --> 00:13:33,395
We are in the heart of Asia,
that's where for the Philippines sits.
235
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:37,233
But look at us,
we don't even have Asian last names.
236
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,611
Because they left
their fucking names there.
237
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:44,114
We don't have Asian names,
we have Latino last names.
238
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:45,825
Look at our fucking last names.
239
00:13:45,908 --> 00:13:48,619
In my family alone,
De La Fuente, Santos, Gonzalez.
240
00:13:48,702 --> 00:13:50,454
We're fucking Mexicans!
241
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:56,961
We are the Mexicans of Asia.
242
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:00,840
That's... that's real talk.
243
00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:03,342
Everything Mexicans do, Filipinos do.
244
00:14:03,634 --> 00:14:04,468
Everything!
245
00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:06,637
What do you guys have?
Quinceañera, debut.
246
00:14:08,138 --> 00:14:09,598
We got that from them, right?
247
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,518
We celebrate the daughter
when she turns 15, right?
248
00:14:12,601 --> 00:14:14,061
She's 15? Same shit!
249
00:14:14,144 --> 00:14:15,312
Throw a big ass party.
250
00:14:15,896 --> 00:14:18,023
Mexicans do that shit all the time, right?
251
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:21,735
"You're 15, you're ready to be a woman,
mija, it's your quinceañera."
252
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:24,613
"Are you sure Papa? I'm only 15."
253
00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:27,700
"Yes, I'm sure.
254
00:14:28,742 --> 00:14:30,077
Your mother's only 30."
255
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,331
Okay, okay, okay, that was fucked up!
256
00:14:34,415 --> 00:14:36,917
That was fucked up.
But it's funny, come on.
257
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:45,843
-Is it fucked up? It's just a joke!
258
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:47,469
Fuck! Stop being sensitive.
259
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:48,888
Go fuck yourselves!
260
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:52,933
Stereotypes are funny for a reason,
'cause they're true.
261
00:14:53,934 --> 00:14:57,271
We all have stereotypes. Embrace it.
Fuck it. Laugh at it. Who gives a shit?
262
00:14:57,354 --> 00:15:00,524
Not all Filipinos are nurses,
but a lot of you motherfuckers are.
263
00:15:05,863 --> 00:15:08,282
I don't know all these Filipinos in here,
but I know one thing,
264
00:15:08,365 --> 00:15:10,284
-we have the same uncle.
265
00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:13,746
Every holiday,
he has to talk to everybody.
266
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,082
And we dread it,
'cause it takes forever to talk to him.
267
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:19,710
'Cause he doesn't even know
what he wants to say.
268
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,880
He always starts off every conversation
like this, "Ah...
269
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:25,424
You know, uh...
270
00:15:25,507 --> 00:15:26,675
Josep, ah...
271
00:15:27,801 --> 00:15:29,887
Remember the...
272
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,306
The...
273
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,683
Shit, the..."
274
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:40,314
Always, "Ah..."
275
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,691
I took...
276
00:15:43,525 --> 00:15:46,779
I took my uncle to the to the mall,
and we were in the food court.
277
00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,822
We're just sitting there,
he's just trying to talk.
278
00:15:48,906 --> 00:15:50,658
And he's loud, so everyone's watching.
279
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,451
That's the part
that embarrassed me the most,
280
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:55,746
'cause he's loud, and everyone's looking,
and he's like, "Ah...
281
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:59,541
Josep, you remember the...
282
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,710
that, uh...
283
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:03,295
one time you...
284
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:05,047
got me...
285
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,508
-the..."
-I'm like, "What? What are trying to say?"
286
00:16:07,591 --> 00:16:09,343
"Hey, I'm trying to tell you. Wait!
287
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,597
Don't rush me, huh.
I'm trying to think and you're rushing...
288
00:16:13,681 --> 00:16:14,890
Don't rush me, huh!
289
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,645
The... that one time you got me..."
290
00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:22,648
Everyone's watching.
Everyone in the food court is looking.
291
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:23,732
"Ah...
292
00:16:24,108 --> 00:16:26,110
that, ah, you got me a drink?
293
00:16:27,152 --> 00:16:28,195
You got me that drink?"
294
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:29,947
"Yeah, I got you that drink.
What about it?"
295
00:16:30,030 --> 00:16:32,574
"Yeah, and, uh, you come back,
it had that, uh...
296
00:16:32,658 --> 00:16:33,617
that big straw?
297
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,703
-Remember, it has that big straw.
298
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,997
I look at it, go,
'Putang ina, that's a big straw!'
299
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,251
Remember that, you look at this big straw,
and then you got mad at me?"
300
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:45,337
-"Yeah, what about it?"
-"Yeah, you told me to just drink it.
301
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:48,048
-Remember? You told me, 'Just drink it.'"
302
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,258
"Yeah, what about it?"
303
00:16:49,341 --> 00:16:51,844
-Everyone's watching. Everyone's watching.
304
00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:53,971
"Yes, so I start to drink like that,
305
00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:55,764
and...
306
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,516
-I'm... I...
307
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,645
I'm drinking like that
and I start sucking on the straw...
308
00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:05,774
And then, this, uh, black ball
starts shooting in my mouth...
309
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,152
-And I'm sucking.
310
00:17:08,235 --> 00:17:10,279
I'm sucking like that, and I'm... I'm...
311
00:17:10,362 --> 00:17:11,613
Black balls are in my mouth
312
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:14,742
and I'm sucking and choking
on these black balls.
313
00:17:14,825 --> 00:17:18,328
I got mouth full of black balls,
and I'm choking, sucking..."
314
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:19,621
"Shut the fuck up!
315
00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:24,334
Boba, it's fucking boba!"
316
00:17:27,963 --> 00:17:29,840
"Oh, yeah, boba. I hate that shit."
317
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:37,181
That's why Filipinos
should only be nurses.
318
00:17:38,557 --> 00:17:40,684
Just be nurses, don't be doctors.
319
00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:43,103
Imagine my uncle a doctor,
320
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:45,397
during surgery.
321
00:17:47,608 --> 00:17:49,860
"Nurse, can I get the, uh...
322
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:52,571
the... oh shit.
323
00:17:52,654 --> 00:17:54,406
The... you know, that, uh...
324
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:55,824
you know, to cut the...
325
00:17:56,408 --> 00:17:57,409
to cut, uh...
326
00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:58,869
you know, the..."
327
00:17:58,952 --> 00:18:01,413
The nurse is like, "Putang ina, what?
They all cut, what?
328
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:02,539
What do you need, doctor?"
329
00:18:02,623 --> 00:18:04,708
"The... the shit... the...
330
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:05,876
the..."
331
00:18:05,959 --> 00:18:09,421
"He's dying, what the fuck do you need?
What? What?
332
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:10,380
Say it."
333
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,341
"The shit... the...
334
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,842
the..."
335
00:18:18,263 --> 00:18:19,681
We are a stereotype.
336
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,726
Filipinos morph into a fucking stereotype.
337
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:26,313
I don't know what it is,
they just morph into a goddamn stereotype.
338
00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:29,566
I talked about that on my last special,
but look, look around you. They're here.
339
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:34,071
See, my mom's not here tonight,
but I look out, and fuck, there she is!
340
00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:38,242
Short hair, glasses.
341
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:40,619
Purse on the lap.
342
00:18:40,702 --> 00:18:42,788
-Look, right there, there she is.
343
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:43,747
There she is.
344
00:18:44,039 --> 00:18:45,749
Handkerchief, handkerchief.
345
00:18:47,459 --> 00:18:48,669
Louis Vuitton purse.
346
00:18:49,586 --> 00:18:51,004
Confused, "Where are we?
347
00:18:55,175 --> 00:18:57,136
Where... where are we? What is this?"
348
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:01,974
I love us.
349
00:19:02,057 --> 00:19:05,144
They got to have that Louis Vuitton purse.
That's their purse.
350
00:19:05,519 --> 00:19:08,730
You know how many Louis Vuitton purses
I bought my mom? So many.
351
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:11,316
You know what she puts in it? Snacks.
352
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:15,112
It's the most expensive lunch box
you'll ever see.
353
00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,031
And they're not even good snacks.
354
00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:22,119
All my friends, when I was a kid, man,
they would go to the mom,
355
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,203
"Mom, can I get a snack?"
356
00:19:23,287 --> 00:19:25,581
And she'd pull out delicious snacks
out of her purse.
357
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:26,623
Doritos.
358
00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,250
Fun Size Snickers.
359
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,585
I run up to my mom...
360
00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:30,627
Shit!
361
00:19:31,753 --> 00:19:34,173
Her snacks were something she took
from a restaurant.
362
00:19:39,970 --> 00:19:42,097
Run up to my mom,
"Mom, can I get a snack?"
363
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:44,141
"Oh, here's some oyster crackers."
364
00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,898
Oyster crackers are made to absorb soup.
365
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,193
And she wants me to eat this
before I go to class.
366
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,694
"Put that in your stomach."
367
00:19:55,944 --> 00:19:57,362
I'd put it in my...
368
00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:01,283
-"Swallow it!"
369
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:08,832
That's my mom's hustle.
370
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,960
That's any mom's hustle, I swear to God.
371
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:15,339
And here's the thing, man,
it doesn't matter how much they make,
372
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:17,549
It doesn't matter.
They will get free shit.
373
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,052
"If it's there, get it."
374
00:20:20,510 --> 00:20:22,721
My mom said that to me all the time,
"Get it.
375
00:20:22,804 --> 00:20:24,681
-Go back in there and get it."
376
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:26,808
"Get what?"
377
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,061
"Just what... that... whatever that is.
378
00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,942
Just get more, grab more.
379
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,862
Put it in the purse.
Put it in the purse. Go!
380
00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,699
Get it, get extra."
381
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,159
She always said that, "Get extra.
382
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,620
Joseph, go back in there and get extra.
383
00:20:46,870 --> 00:20:47,704
Get extra."
384
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,082
You know what "get extra" means? Steal!
385
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,417
Steal!
386
00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,503
She wants her kid to fucking steal.
387
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:56,880
"Get extra."
388
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,716
I used to hate going to McDonald's.
389
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:05,347
'Cause she'd always make me go back in,
"Go back in there and get extra napkins."
390
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:12,187
"Why?"
391
00:21:12,771 --> 00:21:15,649
"Because we need extra
for the... the house.
392
00:21:17,776 --> 00:21:19,778
Get extra, Joe. Go, go back in there."
393
00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:21,780
"God, how many do you need?"
394
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:26,326
"Well, your birthday is coming up.
Go back in there."
395
00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:27,619
-"Fuck!"
396
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,586
Stuffing my pocket with napkins.
397
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,880
I'm so mad, I'm looking at my mom.
398
00:21:39,548 --> 00:21:41,466
She's out in the parking lot.
399
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:43,468
I'm crying.
400
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:45,595
She doesn't care.
401
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:47,431
"The other pocket! Fill it!"
402
00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:57,232
My son has no idea how that feels.
403
00:21:57,899 --> 00:21:58,900
He doesn't know.
404
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:00,235
I buy napkins.
405
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:04,072
I buy expensive napkins,
because I'm traumatized.
406
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,700
Stealing napkins my whole life.
407
00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:08,493
I don't want my son
to go through that shit.
408
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:11,538
My son doesn't know
how embarrassing birthdays are.
409
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:13,415
My birthday sucked.
410
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:16,418
My mom was handing out slices of cake
to all the kids,
411
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:17,753
then she hand out napkins.
412
00:22:17,836 --> 00:22:18,712
None of them match.
413
00:22:18,795 --> 00:22:21,340
"KFC, McDonald's, Taco Bell,
414
00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:23,300
Burger King, KFC,
415
00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:25,469
Cheesecake Factory, ooh that's a good one.
416
00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:28,305
That's... that's a lot thicker
than the other."
417
00:22:32,059 --> 00:22:33,935
These kids got a good though.
418
00:22:34,269 --> 00:22:36,980
Fifteen-year-old kid.
Man, my son has no idea.
419
00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,316
He has no idea how good he's got it.
420
00:22:39,649 --> 00:22:41,693
These fucking millennials, millennials!
421
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:45,280
Is that what they're called this year?
Millennial? Gen X? Millennial?
422
00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:47,157
Pussies!
423
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:52,454
Is that what they're called, pussies?
They're pussies. All of them, pussies.
424
00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:55,791
If there's 15-year-olds in here,
you're fucking pussy, all of you.
425
00:22:57,834 --> 00:22:59,169
Fucking pus... Right?
426
00:22:59,252 --> 00:23:02,631
Am I my fucking right? They complain.
You can't... you can't yell at 'em.
427
00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:04,966
They'll... they'll say something.
You'll get in trouble.
428
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:08,178
They go, "Oh my God, my...
my mom yelled at me,
429
00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:11,348
and I'm so scared to go to the house,
430
00:23:11,431 --> 00:23:13,058
'cause my mom yelled at me."
431
00:23:13,141 --> 00:23:15,435
Man, go fuck yourself. Are you kidding me?
432
00:23:16,436 --> 00:23:18,605
You're scared to go home
'cause you're mom yelled at...
433
00:23:18,688 --> 00:23:20,899
That's all my mom did, was yell at me.
434
00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:23,944
That was the only language
my mom spoke, was yell.
435
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:24,945
"Ha?
436
00:23:25,570 --> 00:23:27,280
-What?
437
00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:28,824
-Say it again!
438
00:23:28,907 --> 00:23:29,908
Say it again!
439
00:23:30,075 --> 00:23:30,909
Say it!
440
00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:32,828
-What did you say, Joseph?
441
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:34,496
What did you say? Turn around.
442
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:35,497
Turn around, Joseph.
443
00:23:40,460 --> 00:23:42,421
That's the only language my mom talked.
444
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:43,755
Yell! "Ha?
445
00:23:44,047 --> 00:23:45,882
When? When did you do it?
446
00:23:45,966 --> 00:23:47,592
Where? Where did you go?
447
00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:49,261
Ha? What?
448
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:52,556
Did you lose your lunch box?"
449
00:23:52,639 --> 00:23:55,392
I remember when I lost my lunch box
one time, holy shit!
450
00:23:56,393 --> 00:23:57,978
That's how my mom disciplined.
451
00:23:58,061 --> 00:24:00,230
Through the...
She never, like, physically touched.
452
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:03,150
She... she verbally attacked you.
That's when she went after you.
453
00:24:03,233 --> 00:24:04,818
She'd break you down in words.
454
00:24:05,485 --> 00:24:06,570
Interrogation.
455
00:24:06,653 --> 00:24:08,947
-Two and a half hours of yelling.
456
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:09,865
"What?
457
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:11,908
Where...
where's your lunch box, Joseph?
458
00:24:11,992 --> 00:24:13,118
Where did you put it?"
459
00:24:13,201 --> 00:24:15,078
"I... I don't know!"
460
00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:19,249
"What do you mean 'you don't know'?
Where? Where did you go?
461
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,919
You go from house to school.
School to house.
462
00:24:23,003 --> 00:24:24,713
Where the fuck did you lose it?
463
00:24:26,965 --> 00:24:30,719
What? You just take your lunch box,
put it anywhere, 'Oh, I don't know where.
464
00:24:30,802 --> 00:24:33,597
I don't know where anything is.
I don't know where.'
465
00:24:35,515 --> 00:24:37,142
Where's your lunch box, Joseph?
466
00:24:37,434 --> 00:24:38,268
Where?
467
00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:39,644
Where did you put it?"
468
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:42,147
"I don't... I don't know!"
469
00:24:42,856 --> 00:24:45,567
Then she'll just repeat what I said
in a stupid voice.
470
00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:47,736
"I don't... I don't know!
471
00:24:54,242 --> 00:24:56,161
How do you not know, Joseph? How?"
472
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:59,372
"I don't know, Mom,
what do you want me to say?"
473
00:24:59,456 --> 00:25:00,415
"Tell me where it is?"
474
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:02,501
-"I don't..."
475
00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:03,502
Two hours of that.
476
00:25:03,585 --> 00:25:05,045
-"Where?"
-"I don't know."
477
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:07,714
-"Ha?"
-"I don't..."
478
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,260
She wants me... she want me to have snot
479
00:25:12,344 --> 00:25:15,514
coming out of my mouth,
and then breathe it in at the same time.
480
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,224
-That's when she's happy.
481
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:19,059
That's what my mom knows she got me.
482
00:25:19,142 --> 00:25:20,393
I don't know where...
483
00:25:26,858 --> 00:25:30,612
That's when she walks up to me,
"Okay, okay, breathe, Joseph, breathe.
484
00:25:30,695 --> 00:25:33,240
-Breathe. My God."
485
00:25:33,323 --> 00:25:36,701
"Breathe, my God, Joseph.
Breathe, breathe. Breathe "
486
00:25:38,703 --> 00:25:40,455
"It's just a lunch box."
487
00:25:47,254 --> 00:25:48,755
Then she's gotta embarrass me.
488
00:25:49,839 --> 00:25:52,676
Then she's got to put my lunch
in a Tupperware container.
489
00:25:53,009 --> 00:25:54,803
That's how she embarrasses me.
She always says,
490
00:25:54,886 --> 00:25:57,722
"I'm going to put your lunch
in a Tupperware container."
491
00:25:57,806 --> 00:25:59,391
And then, I'd cry more, "Why?
492
00:26:00,475 --> 00:26:01,977
I don't want to go to school."
493
00:26:02,727 --> 00:26:03,645
"Why not?"
494
00:26:04,062 --> 00:26:08,483
"Because I don't want to go to school
with my lunch in one of your Tupperwares."
495
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:11,987
'Cause that shit's embarrassing.
496
00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,906
If I send my son to school
with the Tupperware container,
497
00:26:14,990 --> 00:26:18,076
he goes to school with a clear bowl,
and it's got a blue lid,
498
00:26:18,159 --> 00:26:19,869
and it says Tupperware on the lid.
499
00:26:20,161 --> 00:26:22,497
My son would be proud
to go to school with that shit.
500
00:26:23,081 --> 00:26:24,457
My mom's Tupperware...
501
00:26:26,710 --> 00:26:28,753
usually an empty Cool Whip container...
502
00:26:35,844 --> 00:26:37,345
Country Crock.
503
00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:43,727
One time, she put it in an empty
Neapolitan ice cream container.
504
00:26:44,394 --> 00:26:46,688
Had the red handles,
she put my homework and my lunch.
505
00:26:46,771 --> 00:26:49,024
It looked like a fucking briefcase,
like what the fu...
506
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:59,117
Put my lunch in a Cool Whip container,
that shit is so embarrassing.
507
00:27:00,994 --> 00:27:03,580
Then she goes, "Grab a Sharpie
so I can write your name on the lid."
508
00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:04,539
Like...
509
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:07,375
Like someone else has
a Cool Whip container lunch box.
510
00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:12,297
"I'm pretty sure I'm the only one
with a Cool Whip container lunch box."
511
00:27:12,672 --> 00:27:13,715
"You never know, Joseph."
512
00:27:13,798 --> 00:27:14,716
"No, I know."
513
00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:21,640
I'm walking around the lunch room,
514
00:27:22,057 --> 00:27:23,516
looking for a place to sit,
515
00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,561
with my Cool Whip container lunch box.
516
00:27:27,937 --> 00:27:29,814
All the other kids are looking at me.
517
00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:31,650
"Whoa.
518
00:27:33,568 --> 00:27:35,820
Your mom's gonna let you eat Cool Whip?"
519
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,579
"I don't know what's inside it."
520
00:27:47,290 --> 00:27:49,167
I'm sitting down at the lunch table,
521
00:27:50,126 --> 00:27:52,170
with my Cool Whip container lunch box.
522
00:27:52,545 --> 00:27:55,298
All these other kids
are trading lunches in front of me,
523
00:27:55,674 --> 00:27:58,093
but no one wants to trade
for the mystery bucket.
524
00:28:00,845 --> 00:28:02,389
My mouth is watering,
525
00:28:02,722 --> 00:28:05,392
'cause you see all these
delicious trades going down.
526
00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:09,479
"I'll give you my turkey and cheddar
cheese sandwich,
527
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:11,773
for that peanut butter and jelly."
528
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:14,943
"I'll give you my chocolate chip cookies
529
00:28:15,026 --> 00:28:16,486
for those Pringles."
530
00:28:17,862 --> 00:28:19,572
"I'll give you my chocolate milk
531
00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:20,949
for that Gatorade."
532
00:28:22,033 --> 00:28:23,576
And I'm looking at all of 'em.
533
00:28:25,453 --> 00:28:27,122
"Does anyone want munggo?
534
00:28:34,295 --> 00:28:35,130
Munggo?
535
00:28:36,297 --> 00:28:37,173
Munggo?
536
00:28:38,341 --> 00:28:40,176
No munggo? It's so good, munggo?
537
00:28:41,386 --> 00:28:42,971
You get to keep the container."
538
00:28:47,016 --> 00:28:49,894
Some kid was like,
"What the fuck is munggo?"
539
00:28:52,522 --> 00:28:54,023
I had to explain it to him.
540
00:28:55,024 --> 00:28:57,193
"It's these little round green beans.
541
00:28:58,194 --> 00:29:00,697
And it sits on top of a bed of rice.
542
00:29:01,156 --> 00:29:04,242
And if you dig deep enough,
you might find a shrimp or two."
543
00:29:07,620 --> 00:29:09,122
Some other kid was like,
544
00:29:09,205 --> 00:29:12,292
"What the fuck is that bag of sauce
next to it?"
545
00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:15,336
"Patis.
546
00:29:17,380 --> 00:29:19,215
Filipino fish sauce.
547
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:23,011
It really accents the flavor
of the munggo.
548
00:29:24,012 --> 00:29:27,098
Don't spill it on your shirt,
you'll smell like pussy all day.
549
00:29:33,438 --> 00:29:35,231
Here's the thing about my son, man.
550
00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:37,692
He doesn't know what a lunch box is.
551
00:29:37,984 --> 00:29:39,569
This kid has a debit card.
552
00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:42,113
I'm even embarrassed to say this.
553
00:29:42,197 --> 00:29:44,616
His school takes credit
and he has a debit card.
554
00:29:44,699 --> 00:29:45,825
It fucking sucks.
555
00:29:46,284 --> 00:29:48,495
Doesn't know the responsibility
of a lunch box,
556
00:29:48,578 --> 00:29:50,330
just goes to school and rings it up.
557
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:51,915
I still discipline him.
558
00:29:52,207 --> 00:29:53,374
I still get mad at him.
559
00:29:53,458 --> 00:29:56,419
He called me on a Wednesday one time,
he was like, "Hey Dad,
560
00:29:56,503 --> 00:29:59,172
there's only, like, $0.40 left
on my debit card."
561
00:30:00,548 --> 00:30:02,008
And I was like, "Oh, my God.
562
00:30:03,635 --> 00:30:04,761
Go fuck yourself!
563
00:30:09,390 --> 00:30:12,143
The fuck did you eat on Monday, asshole,
filet mignon?
564
00:30:13,353 --> 00:30:15,855
What, you're walking into the lunchroom
like a fucking nightclub?
565
00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:18,817
"Ah, chocolate milk's
on this motherfucker, let's go!"
566
00:30:21,110 --> 00:30:24,864
I know this is weird for me to even say,
but my son doesn't know what rice is,
567
00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:25,990
the way I knew rice...
568
00:30:26,074 --> 00:30:28,159
Rice was fucking everything to me.
569
00:30:28,618 --> 00:30:32,330
Rice was breakfast, rice was lunch,
rice for dinner.
570
00:30:32,413 --> 00:30:35,166
And I know there's a lot of people going,
"Oh, Filipinos eat breakfast?"
571
00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:36,459
Yes, we do.
572
00:30:36,543 --> 00:30:39,045
It's... it's just last night's dinner
with an egg.
573
00:30:39,128 --> 00:30:41,256
That's all that... that's all that is.
574
00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:46,344
And it's delicious.
575
00:30:47,303 --> 00:30:49,180
That's all we ate was rice.
576
00:30:49,973 --> 00:30:53,351
That's the key to a Asian household, rice.
577
00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:57,355
That shit is always cooking.
There's always a pot of rice cooking.
578
00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:59,357
The rice cooker is always on.
579
00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:02,777
You could get locked in an Asian person's
house, and all the lights are off.
580
00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:05,029
-You can find the kitchen.
581
00:31:05,113 --> 00:31:07,365
Just look
for that little square red light.
582
00:31:08,741 --> 00:31:10,869
Now, there's the fucking rice,
right there.
583
00:31:13,913 --> 00:31:16,040
I sent my son to go get rice
the other day,
584
00:31:16,124 --> 00:31:18,167
I go, "Joe, go grab a bag of rice."
585
00:31:18,251 --> 00:31:19,502
And he ran down a couple aisles,
586
00:31:19,586 --> 00:31:21,880
and then he came back
with this little-ass bag of rice.
587
00:31:21,963 --> 00:31:23,882
-Was in his hand like that.
588
00:31:24,340 --> 00:31:27,176
And even though I knew that was
the bag of rice he was supposed to get,
589
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:29,637
I started reflecting back
to when I was his age.
590
00:31:30,221 --> 00:31:31,806
The bag of rice I had to get...
591
00:31:32,599 --> 00:31:34,475
was a size of this fucking stool.
592
00:31:36,644 --> 00:31:38,396
That shit was twice my body weight.
593
00:31:38,479 --> 00:31:40,440
I had to drag that shit back to my mom.
594
00:31:43,860 --> 00:31:45,570
It was a big nylon bag,
595
00:31:46,237 --> 00:31:48,072
with Chinese writing on the front.
596
00:31:48,656 --> 00:31:50,617
Said 50 pounds at the bottom of it.
597
00:31:51,534 --> 00:31:54,871
My mom would sit that in the back
of the kitchen next to the trash.
598
00:31:55,496 --> 00:31:56,956
Top just ripped open.
599
00:31:57,749 --> 00:32:00,627
Inside that bag was a coffee mug
with a broken handle.
600
00:32:01,794 --> 00:32:03,463
She called that a measuring cup.
601
00:32:08,343 --> 00:32:10,136
She taught me how to make rice.
602
00:32:10,553 --> 00:32:13,222
I remember that day.
"I'm going to teach you how to make rice,
603
00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:15,767
and this is the only time
I'm going to teach you."
604
00:32:15,850 --> 00:32:17,352
-"Okay.
605
00:32:18,144 --> 00:32:19,270
How do I do it?"
606
00:32:19,854 --> 00:32:22,899
"You take a couple scoops of rice, Joseph,
put it in the pot,
607
00:32:23,650 --> 00:32:25,735
put water in the pot, squish it around.
608
00:32:25,985 --> 00:32:27,236
Clean the rice like that.
609
00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:30,615
If the water is cloudy, the rice is dirty,
pour that water out.
610
00:32:31,157 --> 00:32:33,409
Put more water in there. Squish it around.
611
00:32:33,493 --> 00:32:34,494
Squish it around.
612
00:32:34,869 --> 00:32:38,289
If the water is still cloudy,
the rice is dirty, pour that water out.
613
00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:41,417
Continue the process, Joseph,
until the water is clear.
614
00:32:41,709 --> 00:32:44,462
When the water is clear, add water.
It's ready to cook."
615
00:32:45,129 --> 00:32:47,048
"Well, then, how much water do I add?"
616
00:32:48,049 --> 00:32:50,385
"Just fill it to this line right here,
Joseph."
617
00:32:57,433 --> 00:33:00,144
This is how you cook perfect rice.
618
00:33:00,520 --> 00:33:02,897
I want the world to know that right now.
619
00:33:03,690 --> 00:33:06,359
This is an ancient fucking secret.
620
00:33:07,694 --> 00:33:10,655
Every Asian knows how to make rice,
and this is how you do it.
621
00:33:10,738 --> 00:33:14,367
You don't need a measuring cup,
and you don't need no fucking rice cooker.
622
00:33:14,450 --> 00:33:16,536
All you need is rice, a pot,
623
00:33:16,619 --> 00:33:18,413
and this fucking line right here.
624
00:33:27,213 --> 00:33:28,631
And I know there's people watching,
625
00:33:28,715 --> 00:33:30,633
"How do you do that?
That doesn't make any sense."
626
00:33:30,717 --> 00:33:31,926
Well, let me explain it to you.
627
00:33:32,010 --> 00:33:34,470
Put as much rice as you want in any pot,
628
00:33:34,554 --> 00:33:36,097
then fill it up with water.
629
00:33:36,180 --> 00:33:37,140
"How much water, Joe?"
630
00:33:37,223 --> 00:33:40,393
Well, you touch the top of the rice
with this finger right here,
631
00:33:40,518 --> 00:33:43,938
and fill it up with water till it hits
that fucking line right there.
632
00:33:48,276 --> 00:33:49,277
Perfect rice.
633
00:33:52,113 --> 00:33:54,032
This kid's got it so good now.
634
00:33:54,657 --> 00:33:55,616
So good.
635
00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:58,828
Disciplining him is easier too, though,
I will say that.
636
00:33:58,911 --> 00:34:01,122
It is a lot easier to discipline my son.
637
00:34:01,289 --> 00:34:02,623
My mom had to be creative.
638
00:34:03,291 --> 00:34:04,625
With me, shit, it's easy.
639
00:34:04,709 --> 00:34:07,670
If my son fucks up, and this is anyone,
though, with a teenager,
640
00:34:07,754 --> 00:34:09,088
they fuck up, what do you do?
641
00:34:09,172 --> 00:34:10,298
Take their phone away.
642
00:34:11,007 --> 00:34:12,175
That shit works.
643
00:34:12,675 --> 00:34:16,054
You don't have to verbally abuse 'em,
you don't have to physically touch 'em.
644
00:34:16,429 --> 00:34:18,181
Just take their fucking phone away.
645
00:34:18,347 --> 00:34:20,892
My son doesn't know what to do
when I take his phone away.
646
00:34:20,975 --> 00:34:23,603
My son physically breaks down
when I take his phone away.
647
00:34:24,604 --> 00:34:27,065
I'm like, "Give me that phone."
He's like, "Ah, Dad, ah.
648
00:34:34,530 --> 00:34:36,032
What do I do now, Dad?"
649
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:39,619
He's never seen his hand before.
"What is this?
650
00:34:40,036 --> 00:34:40,870
Hello?"
651
00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,127
My mom, when she disciplined, shit!
652
00:34:49,378 --> 00:34:51,547
Like I said, she never hit me,
but goddamn, man.
653
00:34:51,631 --> 00:34:53,466
I remember one time,
I was hiding in the closet,
654
00:34:53,549 --> 00:34:55,176
and she walked by and I scared her.
655
00:34:55,468 --> 00:34:56,636
Jumped out, "Ba!"
656
00:34:57,637 --> 00:34:59,680
-My mom got so... "Ah!"
657
00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:01,015
"You think that's funny?
658
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,060
Jump out and scare me like that, ha?
659
00:35:05,061 --> 00:35:06,312
Get back in that closet.
660
00:35:07,480 --> 00:35:08,689
Get back in there. Sit there.
661
00:35:08,773 --> 00:35:11,442
You sit there till I tell you to come out.
Sit there."
662
00:35:17,740 --> 00:35:19,325
And I sat in that closet.
663
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:22,787
And then she forgot
I was in that fucking closet.
664
00:35:23,955 --> 00:35:26,207
She came back with laundry,
"Ha, what are you doing here?"
665
00:35:26,290 --> 00:35:27,583
"You told me to go here.
666
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:32,672
I've been here all day."
667
00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:39,262
She didn't even apologize.
"Just go to your room, it's late now.
668
00:35:41,722 --> 00:35:43,933
Go to my room crying.
She didn't give a shit.
669
00:35:45,017 --> 00:35:47,270
Called her sister,
bragged about what she did.
670
00:35:48,312 --> 00:35:50,773
"You're not going to believe
what I did to Joseph.
671
00:35:54,068 --> 00:35:56,195
I put him in the closet.
672
00:35:58,406 --> 00:35:59,615
All day!
673
00:36:00,116 --> 00:36:01,325
All day, I swear to God.
674
00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:04,120
I was even walking around,
'Where the fuck is Joseph?'"
675
00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:07,665
My son, goddammit.
676
00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:10,626
He's 15. Here's the thing about
15-year-old boys, man.
677
00:36:11,127 --> 00:36:13,129
He thinks he's being slick and he's not.
678
00:36:14,630 --> 00:36:16,174
I keep telling him that, too.
679
00:36:16,382 --> 00:36:18,801
And that's the thing.
If you got boys, if you got a little boy,
680
00:36:18,885 --> 00:36:21,262
just be honest with 'em,
talk to 'em like dudes.
681
00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:24,223
I can't speak for girls. I'm just saying,
if you have a little teenage boy,
682
00:36:24,307 --> 00:36:26,559
talk to 'em like dudes,
they'll respect you more.
683
00:36:27,185 --> 00:36:29,187
I don't hide shit,
I don't candy coat shit.
684
00:36:29,270 --> 00:36:30,313
I let my son know.
685
00:36:30,730 --> 00:36:32,857
Like, "Joe, I know what you did in there."
686
00:36:37,403 --> 00:36:38,821
"What are you talking about, Dad?"
687
00:36:38,905 --> 00:36:40,364
"Well, I'm just saying, like,
688
00:36:40,656 --> 00:36:41,782
I was 15.
689
00:36:42,867 --> 00:36:44,619
And II know what you did in there.
690
00:36:45,453 --> 00:36:47,997
Like, all the creepy shit you're doing,
I did too.
691
00:36:49,081 --> 00:36:50,374
I was just better at it."
692
00:36:51,959 --> 00:36:54,754
"What are you talking about, Dad?"
"Joe, come on, man. I know what you...
693
00:36:54,837 --> 00:36:57,423
You were in the shower for 30 minutes,
man. I know what you did."
694
00:36:58,007 --> 00:37:00,927
"I didn't do... I just took a shower."
I'm like, "You didn't take a shower."
695
00:37:01,010 --> 00:37:05,014
"How do you know I didn't take a shower?"
"Joe, you were in there for 30 minutes,
696
00:37:05,306 --> 00:37:06,682
and your hair is dry.
697
00:37:14,440 --> 00:37:17,443
Bought you a big bottle
of Head and Shoulders and it's empty.
698
00:37:19,862 --> 00:37:22,615
But you still have dandruff.
I don't know how... what...
699
00:37:24,450 --> 00:37:27,370
But your dick always smells like mint.
It's just mint.
700
00:37:27,578 --> 00:37:29,372
Mint and zinc come from here.
701
00:37:33,834 --> 00:37:36,796
It's Head and Shoulders, Joe,
not Dick and Hand. That's it.
702
00:37:40,258 --> 00:37:42,218
It says Head and Shoulders!
703
00:37:42,677 --> 00:37:45,846
It doesn't say Dick and Hand, Joe.
It says Head and Shoulders.
704
00:37:48,724 --> 00:37:50,768
It's not slick. Come on, man.
705
00:37:51,018 --> 00:37:52,520
"All right, Dad. All right."
706
00:37:53,020 --> 00:37:55,564
That's how my son is now.
Now he's cool with it, "All right.
707
00:37:56,065 --> 00:37:56,899
All right.
708
00:37:57,984 --> 00:37:58,859
I promise.
709
00:37:59,485 --> 00:38:02,154
I'll be... I won't...
I'll make it so you don't know."
710
00:38:04,532 --> 00:38:06,158
Then he went to high-five me, "I promise."
711
00:38:06,242 --> 00:38:08,744
I'm like, "I'm not gonna
fucking shake your hand."
712
00:38:08,828 --> 00:38:11,539
-I'm not gonna touch the murder weapon.
713
00:38:14,375 --> 00:38:15,584
Good-looking kid, man.
714
00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:19,547
He's got a full head of hair, man.
He's got a big afro, man.
715
00:38:20,131 --> 00:38:21,299
He's got dark skin.
716
00:38:21,966 --> 00:38:23,843
All right, he's got the darker skin.
717
00:38:23,926 --> 00:38:26,679
He's been going to a lot of the other
football games from other schools,
718
00:38:26,762 --> 00:38:28,723
and all the kids are asking him
if he's half-black.
719
00:38:28,806 --> 00:38:32,310
He even came up to me, like,
"Dad, a lot of kids think I'm half-black."
720
00:38:32,393 --> 00:38:34,312
I'm like, "All right, what'd you say?"
721
00:38:34,603 --> 00:38:36,230
He goes, "I've been saying yes."
722
00:38:41,277 --> 00:38:43,863
"Why would you say that?"
"I don't know, like, they don't know."
723
00:38:43,946 --> 00:38:46,198
"Well, how about when I come
pick you up or something,
724
00:38:46,282 --> 00:38:48,367
and they notice
that you're not half-black?"
725
00:38:48,451 --> 00:38:50,536
He's like, "Well, just don't pick me up."
726
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:57,835
And then he asked me
if he can get a DNA test,
727
00:38:58,336 --> 00:38:59,712
'cause he saw a commercial,
728
00:39:00,046 --> 00:39:03,007
and he's like "Hey, Dad,
let's get one of those DNA tests."
729
00:39:03,549 --> 00:39:05,092
"Why do you want to get a DNA test?"
730
00:39:05,176 --> 00:39:08,012
"Let's just see,
maybe there's black in the family, Dad?
731
00:39:08,304 --> 00:39:12,141
Maybe a long...
maybe a long time ago, there...
732
00:39:12,224 --> 00:39:15,186
maybe a long time ago
there was someone black in our family,
733
00:39:15,269 --> 00:39:16,771
and it's catching up to me,
734
00:39:16,854 --> 00:39:18,147
Let's just see, it would be fun."
735
00:39:18,230 --> 00:39:20,107
I'm like, "Joe,
there's no black in the family."
736
00:39:20,191 --> 00:39:21,525
"You don't know. Let's just see."
737
00:39:21,609 --> 00:39:23,235
I'm like, "Joe, there's no black in the...
738
00:39:23,319 --> 00:39:26,781
Your aunt married a black guy,
but that doesn't help you at all."
739
00:39:30,034 --> 00:39:31,786
"Come on, Dad.
740
00:39:32,453 --> 00:39:33,704
Just get it.
741
00:39:34,455 --> 00:39:36,957
Just get it. It'll be cool. Just get it."
742
00:39:38,834 --> 00:39:39,835
So I got it.
743
00:39:41,796 --> 00:39:42,922
And we're gonna do it.
744
00:39:44,382 --> 00:39:45,883
And I hope, I don't know...
745
00:39:46,967 --> 00:39:48,844
I hope it comes back black.
I don't know...
746
00:39:49,845 --> 00:39:52,932
If the results come back black,
I'm just gonna be like, "Um...
747
00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:55,059
get the fuck out of my house.
748
00:39:56,644 --> 00:39:58,896
-Go find your real dad. Who the fuck...
749
00:39:59,438 --> 00:40:00,731
Who the fuck is this kid?
750
00:40:01,107 --> 00:40:03,192
Give me back that debit card,
motherfucker.
751
00:40:08,197 --> 00:40:09,824
He's constantly fucking with me.
752
00:40:10,074 --> 00:40:11,367
Always fucking with me.
753
00:40:11,450 --> 00:40:13,661
-Oh, I'm sorry there's a wire.
754
00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:15,454
A black guy right here, I'm sorry.
755
00:40:17,415 --> 00:40:19,375
-That's... no. What's your name, sir?
-Malcolm.
756
00:40:19,458 --> 00:40:22,336
Malcolm. Goddammit, couldn't get
any blacker than that, shit!
757
00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,671
-Motherfucker!
758
00:40:25,714 --> 00:40:26,715
Shit.
759
00:40:27,133 --> 00:40:27,967
Malcolm.
760
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:32,263
Of course it is.
761
00:40:35,516 --> 00:40:37,810
-Is this... is this your lady?
-This is my wife.
762
00:40:37,893 --> 00:40:40,020
-And what are you? What's your ethnicity?
-I'm Filipino.
763
00:40:40,104 --> 00:40:42,314
-You're Filipino. See, this is what...
764
00:40:42,398 --> 00:40:45,317
This is what my son's parents
should look like, right here.
765
00:40:48,070 --> 00:40:49,447
My son's parents are here!
766
00:40:54,285 --> 00:40:56,412
You think I'm joking?
Wait... wait till I bring 'em out.
767
00:40:56,495 --> 00:40:59,081
You're gonna be like,
"Oh fuck, that is our kid, shit!"
768
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,002
You know my son ran up to me one time...
769
00:41:03,085 --> 00:41:04,044
This is true story.
770
00:41:04,253 --> 00:41:05,087
We were, uh...
771
00:41:05,171 --> 00:41:07,131
I was, uh... I was in my room,
772
00:41:07,214 --> 00:41:09,133
and he ran up to me,
he always fucks with me.
773
00:41:09,216 --> 00:41:11,802
But he... 'Cause he's got such
a beautiful head of hair.
774
00:41:11,886 --> 00:41:14,054
Right? It's fucking beautiful, man.
775
00:41:14,138 --> 00:41:14,972
And, um...
776
00:41:15,055 --> 00:41:18,225
He looks like one of the Jacksons,
from the Five, like, "Hey!" Like...
777
00:41:22,521 --> 00:41:23,522
But...
778
00:41:23,856 --> 00:41:26,650
And it comes up to me, Malcolm,
and he goes...
779
00:41:27,902 --> 00:41:29,403
"Dad, when I get older,
780
00:41:30,237 --> 00:41:31,864
am I gonna be bald like you?"
781
00:41:34,116 --> 00:41:35,826
And that hurt me so bad.
782
00:41:36,869 --> 00:41:39,205
Like, he doesn't understand
how hard that hurt.
783
00:41:39,288 --> 00:41:40,164
And I was like...
784
00:41:40,247 --> 00:41:42,833
So I wanted to, like, let him know
that it hurt, but not with words,
785
00:41:42,917 --> 00:41:44,210
just by my tone.
786
00:41:44,293 --> 00:41:48,297
I was like, "You know what, Joe?
You get your hair from your mom's side.
787
00:41:49,298 --> 00:41:51,592
And on your mom's side,
everyone has a full head of hair.
788
00:41:51,675 --> 00:41:54,261
That's probably why you have so much hair.
So you have to be worried
789
00:41:54,345 --> 00:41:56,430
about being bald like your dad."
790
00:41:58,474 --> 00:42:00,476
And my son goes, "Sweet!
791
00:42:02,728 --> 00:42:03,729
Sweet!"
792
00:42:04,605 --> 00:42:07,691
And went into his fucking room
like an asshole.
793
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:10,528
And I was crushed.
794
00:42:10,611 --> 00:42:13,197
I was like, "Man, fuck this kid, man."
795
00:42:16,325 --> 00:42:19,537
That's why any time he asks a question,
I have an opportunity to knock him down,
796
00:42:19,620 --> 00:42:21,789
I do it, Malcolm. Fuck him, man.
797
00:42:25,459 --> 00:42:27,253
He came up to me,
like, two weeks after that.
798
00:42:27,336 --> 00:42:29,255
And he was like, "Dad."
He was like all sad.
799
00:42:29,338 --> 00:42:31,674
"Dad, can I talk to you for a second,
800
00:42:31,757 --> 00:42:32,633
please
801
00:42:32,716 --> 00:42:34,718
and you promise you won't make a joke?"
802
00:42:38,597 --> 00:42:39,473
"Yeah.
803
00:42:40,057 --> 00:42:41,267
I pr... I promise."
804
00:42:42,351 --> 00:42:44,937
"No, I'm serious, Dad.
Like, it's been bothering me,
805
00:42:45,020 --> 00:42:47,940
and I need to talk to you about this,
so please, no jokes."
806
00:42:48,023 --> 00:42:50,067
"All right, Joe, talk to me.
What's wrong?
807
00:42:50,401 --> 00:42:51,944
Why are you crying? What's wrong?"
808
00:42:52,027 --> 00:42:53,070
"Okay, um...
809
00:42:53,988 --> 00:42:55,990
Ah... I don't even know how to say this.
810
00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:57,241
Um...
811
00:42:58,826 --> 00:43:02,121
Okay, I've been growing my pubic hairs
for a couple years now..."
812
00:43:08,460 --> 00:43:10,504
"Joe, you gotta warn me about the topic.
813
00:43:12,965 --> 00:43:15,968
Like, you can't just come in hot
like that, man. You gotta...
814
00:43:16,051 --> 00:43:17,052
warn me, let me know.
815
00:43:17,136 --> 00:43:19,430
-I'm trying to eat lunch right now.
816
00:43:19,513 --> 00:43:21,807
-Now I got pubic hairs on my mind."
817
00:43:21,890 --> 00:43:23,892
"All right, come on, Dad.
You said you were gonna
818
00:43:23,976 --> 00:43:26,395
not joke around, I'm being serious.
Like, listen to me.
819
00:43:26,478 --> 00:43:29,690
I've been growing pubic hairs
for a while now, like for a couple years."
820
00:43:29,773 --> 00:43:32,067
"Yeah, you're a teenager,
that's what you're supposed to do.
821
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:34,570
You're supposed to grow your pubic hairs,
what's bothering you?
822
00:43:34,653 --> 00:43:36,030
Why is that making you mad?"
823
00:43:36,113 --> 00:43:37,072
"No, just listen to me."
824
00:43:37,156 --> 00:43:39,450
"Okay, I'm listening.
What? What's bothering you?"
825
00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:41,118
"Okay, well, I always thought,
826
00:43:41,201 --> 00:43:43,954
Dad, that once you start
to grow your pubic hairs,
827
00:43:44,038 --> 00:43:46,749
that... that the penis was supposed
to start growing."
828
00:43:50,628 --> 00:43:51,587
"Yeah, and?"
829
00:43:53,589 --> 00:43:55,424
"My penis isn't growing, Dad!
830
00:43:57,426 --> 00:43:58,802
Just my pubic hairs.
831
00:43:59,928 --> 00:44:02,056
My penis is still the same size
from two years ago,
832
00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:03,849
but my pubic hairs are long, Dad.
833
00:44:04,350 --> 00:44:06,477
It just keeps growing.
I don't get it, Dad.
834
00:44:07,436 --> 00:44:08,270
Dad!
835
00:44:09,563 --> 00:44:10,397
Dad!
836
00:44:12,149 --> 00:44:12,983
Dad!"
837
00:44:14,026 --> 00:44:17,488
I didn't know what to do. I just got
on my phone like, "What the fuck?"
838
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:21,116
He's like, "What are you doing, Dad?"
839
00:44:22,576 --> 00:44:23,702
And I was like...
840
00:44:26,163 --> 00:44:28,082
"I'm canceling that DNA test."
841
00:44:38,717 --> 00:44:40,761
"Oh, my God, Dad.
842
00:44:41,428 --> 00:44:43,764
Does everything have to be a joke, Dad?
843
00:44:44,098 --> 00:44:45,849
Does everything have to be a joke?"
844
00:44:48,352 --> 00:44:50,312
And I was like,
"Well, you made fun of my hair.
845
00:44:51,730 --> 00:44:53,190
Now I'm making fun of yours."
846
00:44:56,068 --> 00:44:59,029
"Oh, my God, Dad. Come on.
847
00:44:59,446 --> 00:45:00,531
Seriously.
848
00:45:00,906 --> 00:45:02,700
I don't understand what's going on.
849
00:45:03,075 --> 00:45:05,369
Dad, what's going on?
850
00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:06,995
What's supposed to happen?
851
00:45:07,079 --> 00:45:09,248
I've been waiting,
nothing's happening, Dad.
852
00:45:09,790 --> 00:45:10,708
Dad!
853
00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:12,710
Dad!" I just grabbed him.
854
00:45:13,794 --> 00:45:16,213
Grabbed him, I was like,
"Yo, stop. Stop fucking crying.
855
00:45:16,296 --> 00:45:17,631
-Stop!"
856
00:45:17,715 --> 00:45:20,551
"Well, tell me what I'm supposed to do.
I don't get it, Dad."
857
00:45:20,634 --> 00:45:23,470
"Well, stop crying, first of all."
"Well, then, tell me. What?"
858
00:45:24,054 --> 00:45:25,055
I go, "Listen to me.
859
00:45:26,181 --> 00:45:27,516
Look at me. Listen to me."
860
00:45:28,142 --> 00:45:29,643
"Oh, my God, what, Dad?"
861
00:45:32,479 --> 00:45:33,605
"Unfortunately, Joe...
862
00:45:36,817 --> 00:45:38,694
That comes from your mom's side too."
863
00:45:51,081 --> 00:45:52,207
Okay, now...
864
00:45:53,208 --> 00:45:55,377
Now here's a fucked-up part
about the story.
865
00:45:57,463 --> 00:45:58,797
I lied to my son.
866
00:46:01,216 --> 00:46:03,177
He didn't get that from his mom's side.
867
00:46:04,970 --> 00:46:07,473
That's 100% my dick, 100%.
868
00:46:08,807 --> 00:46:10,392
I knew it was mine when he described it.
869
00:46:10,476 --> 00:46:12,811
I was like, "Oh, shit. That's mine.
I got the same...
870
00:46:13,228 --> 00:46:14,813
I got the same fucking thing."
871
00:46:17,733 --> 00:46:19,359
But I'm not gonna tell him that.
872
00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:21,862
I'm not gonna be like,
"Yeah, that's the family dick
873
00:46:21,945 --> 00:46:24,364
and I'm heading down to you."
Like no, fuck that!
874
00:46:26,366 --> 00:46:29,119
It's the dick I hand down
from generation to generation.
875
00:46:31,163 --> 00:46:32,581
I'm not gonna tell him that.
876
00:46:32,956 --> 00:46:34,333
That's the hand he was dealt.
877
00:46:34,416 --> 00:46:36,293
Now he has to play his own cards.
878
00:46:36,710 --> 00:46:38,587
I had a small dick and it worked.
879
00:46:39,963 --> 00:46:42,174
Worked for me, goddammit.
It'll work for him.
880
00:46:42,257 --> 00:46:45,010
Not gonna be sad about it.
He's gotta deal with it. Deal with it.
881
00:46:45,093 --> 00:46:48,472
I'd be sad if he walked up to me
and was like, "Dad, I don't have a dick."
882
00:46:48,555 --> 00:46:49,681
I'd be like, "Oh shit!
883
00:46:49,765 --> 00:46:51,767
- I'm so sorry.
884
00:46:53,143 --> 00:46:54,102
Oops!
885
00:46:56,230 --> 00:46:57,856
Maybe Malcolm isn't your dad."
886
00:47:05,656 --> 00:47:08,158
Fuck you, Malcolm,
you're laughing too hard at that shit.
887
00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:10,410
-Fuck you, man. See?
888
00:47:12,955 --> 00:47:15,541
Laughing hard at the big black dick joke.
889
00:47:17,251 --> 00:47:20,128
But then he got mad at the Malcolm joke,
"Oh, 'cause I'm black.
890
00:47:20,212 --> 00:47:21,797
Gotta have a name like Malcolm."
891
00:47:23,507 --> 00:47:27,010
Stereotypes are funny for a reason,
for that reason right there alone.
892
00:47:27,219 --> 00:47:29,805
That's a good stereotype, Malcolm,
and you know it.
893
00:47:30,430 --> 00:47:33,183
Your whole life, you've been blessed
with that stereotype.
894
00:47:34,226 --> 00:47:36,895
The big dick stereotype.
We don't know if you have a big dick,
895
00:47:36,979 --> 00:47:39,147
but none of us in here
wanna take that bet.
896
00:47:46,196 --> 00:47:50,117
We just assume Malcolm has a big dick,
'cause that's your stereotype.
897
00:47:50,617 --> 00:47:52,536
Just like you assume I'm good at math.
898
00:47:52,619 --> 00:47:53,704
Fuck you, Malcolm.
899
00:47:59,459 --> 00:48:02,045
But that's the fucked-up part.
That's the fucked-up part, Malcolm.
900
00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:05,465
You can't get mad when someone else
calls you out on another stereotype,
901
00:48:05,549 --> 00:48:06,592
'cause it's just funny.
902
00:48:06,675 --> 00:48:09,011
We're just having fun, man.
So, don't get mad.
903
00:48:09,094 --> 00:48:12,180
If you're gonna take that stereotype,
you have to take 'em all, Malcolm.
904
00:48:12,264 --> 00:48:15,475
You have to take 'em all.
Don't be biased with your stereotypes.
905
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:18,312
Don't get mad if someone walks up to you,
"Hey, you like chicken?"
906
00:48:18,395 --> 00:48:20,939
-"Why? 'Cause I'm black, motherfucker?"
907
00:48:21,023 --> 00:48:23,942
Black man's gotta like chicken
all the time, motherfucker?"
908
00:48:24,985 --> 00:48:27,237
"You got a big dick?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."
909
00:48:40,334 --> 00:48:41,668
Unfortunately...
910
00:48:41,752 --> 00:48:42,961
Unfortunately...
911
00:48:44,379 --> 00:48:45,589
I don't have a big dick.
912
00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:47,716
And neither does my son.
913
00:48:51,303 --> 00:48:54,473
Oh, this is gonna suck for my son
when this goes out on Netflix.
914
00:48:55,807 --> 00:48:56,975
Goddammit.
915
00:48:58,518 --> 00:48:59,603
Fuck!
916
00:49:05,692 --> 00:49:07,653
He's gonna walk through
the hallways at his school,
917
00:49:07,736 --> 00:49:09,738
and everyone gonna be like this, "Whoa."
918
00:49:12,532 --> 00:49:14,201
"It was just a joke."
919
00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:15,953
No, it wasn't!
920
00:49:17,621 --> 00:49:19,122
That shit is real.
921
00:49:21,124 --> 00:49:22,084
So what?
922
00:49:22,626 --> 00:49:25,504
He has a small dick, and?
It doesn't matter.
923
00:49:26,296 --> 00:49:27,464
Small dick... fuck it.
924
00:49:27,547 --> 00:49:30,550
It'll work. It works. It fucking works.
925
00:49:31,677 --> 00:49:33,387
I'm gonna... You know what?
Here's the thing.
926
00:49:33,470 --> 00:49:36,473
He's gonna go through his teenage years,
be insecure about his small dick.
927
00:49:36,556 --> 00:49:37,933
Then he'll go through his twenties,
928
00:49:38,016 --> 00:49:41,144
probably build-up some confidence,
I think. Then he'll get to his thirties.
929
00:49:41,228 --> 00:49:43,772
If he's not confident
about his small dick then,
930
00:49:43,855 --> 00:49:45,565
then I'll step in and talk to him.
931
00:49:47,442 --> 00:49:49,528
Then I'll walk up to him, like, "Hey man.
932
00:49:50,195 --> 00:49:51,071
Hey!
933
00:49:51,947 --> 00:49:53,907
Still mad about that small dick thing?"
934
00:49:56,243 --> 00:49:58,495
- "Yeah, Dad. It sucks."
935
00:49:58,578 --> 00:50:01,248
-That's my son, 30-year-old voice.
936
00:50:01,331 --> 00:50:03,250
-"Yeah, Dad. It sucks.
937
00:50:03,333 --> 00:50:05,460
I'm 30 years old,
I got a 15-year-old dick.
938
00:50:12,843 --> 00:50:15,137
Here, I'm gonna do it to this side,
"Yeah, I'm 30 years old,
939
00:50:15,220 --> 00:50:17,347
-I got a 15-year-old dick, Dad.
940
00:50:17,431 --> 00:50:18,432
What the fuck?"
941
00:50:20,142 --> 00:50:21,476
That's what I'll grab him.
942
00:50:21,601 --> 00:50:22,436
"Listen to me.
943
00:50:22,978 --> 00:50:24,104
All right? Listen to me."
944
00:50:24,187 --> 00:50:25,439
"What? What, Dad?
945
00:50:26,231 --> 00:50:27,941
What could you possibly tell me?"
946
00:50:29,943 --> 00:50:32,779
I'll just tell him,
"From the bottom my heart, look, Joe,
947
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:35,073
you got a small dick and...
948
00:50:36,033 --> 00:50:37,367
This is all you got to do.
949
00:50:39,619 --> 00:50:40,579
Fix your credit."
950
00:50:45,917 --> 00:50:47,419
And that's the truth, Malcolm.
951
00:50:50,505 --> 00:50:51,548
You ever want to live...
952
00:50:51,923 --> 00:50:54,760
If you ever wanna live
the big dick life, like Malcolm...
953
00:50:55,802 --> 00:50:57,721
-...fix your fucking credit.
954
00:50:58,013 --> 00:51:00,098
You got a small dick, fix your credit.
955
00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,309
That's the truth. You got a small dick?
956
00:51:02,392 --> 00:51:04,603
Good credit make your dick grow
ten inches.
957
00:51:06,563 --> 00:51:07,689
That's the truth.
958
00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:11,985
And there's a lot of guys in here
that have a small dick, just like me.
959
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:13,737
You're just not laughing as hard.
960
00:51:15,530 --> 00:51:16,740
Trying to play it off.
961
00:51:17,949 --> 00:51:20,118
Try not to laugh,
like this part of the joke
962
00:51:20,202 --> 00:51:22,496
doesn't relate to you.
You're just looking at me like this.
963
00:51:27,334 --> 00:51:28,919
But the girl you came with his dying.
964
00:51:33,673 --> 00:51:35,092
"What are you laughing at?"
965
00:51:35,967 --> 00:51:37,344
"Fix your fucking credit."
966
00:51:43,642 --> 00:51:45,018
That's the truth.
967
00:51:45,102 --> 00:51:46,228
Fix your credit.
968
00:51:46,520 --> 00:51:47,938
Shit works, man.
969
00:51:48,688 --> 00:51:51,441
Look, it works for me.
I'm confident. I don't give a fuck.
970
00:51:51,525 --> 00:51:53,610
-I'm single and I got good credit.
971
00:51:53,693 --> 00:51:55,529
I'll tell every woman in here right now,
972
00:51:55,612 --> 00:51:57,823
I got a small dick!
973
00:51:59,199 --> 00:52:00,700
But I got good credit.
974
00:52:02,035 --> 00:52:03,829
Can a big dick buy you a house?
975
00:52:04,955 --> 00:52:06,623
This little motherfucker can!
976
00:52:15,298 --> 00:52:17,134
It's real talk.
977
00:52:17,801 --> 00:52:19,845
Everything you hear, Malcolm, I hear.
978
00:52:21,054 --> 00:52:23,181
You hear big dick shit? So do I.
979
00:52:24,224 --> 00:52:25,809
Women aren't like men, man.
980
00:52:26,309 --> 00:52:29,396
Women are different creatures, man.
When they love, they love.
981
00:52:29,813 --> 00:52:33,191
You take care of a woman,
you provide for a woman, you protect.
982
00:52:33,316 --> 00:52:34,151
Cherish.
983
00:52:34,234 --> 00:52:35,610
Honor. Love.
984
00:52:35,902 --> 00:52:38,155
Every... All that shit,
make her feel like a queen,
985
00:52:38,238 --> 00:52:39,906
watch what she does for your ego.
986
00:52:40,532 --> 00:52:42,701
-Watch what a woman does for your ego.
987
00:52:42,784 --> 00:52:44,828
'Cause she knows
that's what's important to a man,
988
00:52:44,911 --> 00:52:46,663
his fucking ego.
989
00:52:47,247 --> 00:52:48,582
And men love that shit.
990
00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:51,376
She'll say shit to you
that you know goddamn well
991
00:52:51,459 --> 00:52:53,044
she shouldn't be saying to you.
992
00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:57,924
She lies to you in bed,
and you take that lie.
993
00:52:58,008 --> 00:52:59,926
-You love that lie,
994
00:53:00,010 --> 00:53:01,428
'cause it makes you feel good.
995
00:53:01,511 --> 00:53:03,430
You never question her on that lie.
996
00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:05,932
-"Who the fuck are you talking to?"
997
00:53:06,016 --> 00:53:08,768
You love it when she says it,
you tell her to repeat it.
998
00:53:09,811 --> 00:53:12,147
"Ha, oh my... ow!"
999
00:53:12,230 --> 00:53:13,440
"Yeah, bitch, 'Ow!'
1000
00:53:13,982 --> 00:53:15,066
'Ow!' It hurts, huh?"
1001
00:53:15,150 --> 00:53:17,444
"Yeah! Oh, my God!"
1002
00:53:25,118 --> 00:53:27,996
Doesn't matter about the size.
Size doesn't... look at it.
1003
00:53:28,079 --> 00:53:30,832
See, it's small, she doesn't care.
She loves you.
1004
00:53:31,166 --> 00:53:32,334
She loves you.
1005
00:53:32,417 --> 00:53:35,045
What you doing, the physical act,
making love, she loves making love.
1006
00:53:35,128 --> 00:53:37,756
She doesn't care about the size,
"It's mine, mine.
1007
00:53:38,757 --> 00:53:40,759
Mine, mine. That's mine.
1008
00:53:41,426 --> 00:53:42,302
Mine. Muah.
1009
00:53:42,677 --> 00:53:45,513
I'm gonna sleep on it."
Muah.
1010
00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,772
So, stop trying to do big dick things.
1011
00:53:54,147 --> 00:53:55,440
Why do we do that?
1012
00:53:55,523 --> 00:53:57,234
Stop trying to do big dick things.
1013
00:53:57,317 --> 00:53:59,819
Stop trying to do shit
that Malcolm does naturally.
1014
00:53:59,903 --> 00:54:01,655
-Stop!
1015
00:54:01,738 --> 00:54:03,365
Just do you!
1016
00:54:03,698 --> 00:54:05,450
Do you! I do it all the time.
1017
00:54:05,533 --> 00:54:07,410
I'm in as far as I can go,
but what do I do?
1018
00:54:07,494 --> 00:54:09,829
I arch my back,
like more dick is gonna come out.
1019
00:54:09,913 --> 00:54:10,997
The fuck am I doing?
1020
00:54:11,081 --> 00:54:12,916
Like there's extra dick in my hip.
1021
00:54:12,999 --> 00:54:16,127
I just need to unlatch it.
"There it is, bitch. You feel that shit?"
1022
00:54:18,255 --> 00:54:20,548
Your balls are a natural stopper.
1023
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,634
Your balls tell you
when you're out of dick.
1024
00:54:22,717 --> 00:54:24,094
Your balls always tell you.
1025
00:54:24,177 --> 00:54:27,222
Your balls are like,
"That's all the dick. That's all the dick.
1026
00:54:27,305 --> 00:54:29,766
Just balls, Jo. Just balls."
1027
00:54:32,894 --> 00:54:36,189
Stop trying to do big dick things.
1028
00:54:36,606 --> 00:54:39,985
Stop. Stop doing this shit,
bringing it out and going back in.
1029
00:54:40,068 --> 00:54:41,152
What are you doing?
1030
00:54:41,528 --> 00:54:44,990
You have to have laser point accuracy
to get back in there.
1031
00:54:45,073 --> 00:54:45,991
Stop!
1032
00:54:46,449 --> 00:54:47,492
Stop!
1033
00:54:47,659 --> 00:54:48,910
Just leave it in there.
1034
00:54:49,119 --> 00:54:50,161
Leave it in there.
1035
00:54:50,245 --> 00:54:51,538
Cram that pussy.
1036
00:54:51,621 --> 00:54:52,872
Cram the pussy.
1037
00:54:52,956 --> 00:54:54,749
Cram it. Fuck her up. Cram it.
1038
00:54:54,833 --> 00:54:55,917
Fucking cram.
1039
00:54:56,042 --> 00:54:57,085
Fucking cram.
1040
00:54:57,168 --> 00:54:58,336
Cram. Push the bitch.
1041
00:54:58,420 --> 00:54:59,254
Cram it.
1042
00:54:59,337 --> 00:55:00,839
"Where the fuck are we going?"
1043
00:55:00,922 --> 00:55:02,090
Fuck... fucking cram it.
1044
00:55:02,173 --> 00:55:03,800
"We're in the kitchen."
1045
00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:13,768
Just be happy you've been invited
to the mansion party.
1046
00:55:15,186 --> 00:55:17,689
Just be happy you've been invited
to the mansion party.
1047
00:55:17,772 --> 00:55:19,107
That's her mansion.
1048
00:55:19,190 --> 00:55:21,401
Her 40-million-dollar mansion.
1049
00:55:21,693 --> 00:55:23,194
And she's throwing a party,
1050
00:55:23,278 --> 00:55:25,947
and there's only one person
on that guest list, you!
1051
00:55:26,990 --> 00:55:29,242
I'm getting teary-eyed
just thinking about it.
1052
00:55:30,660 --> 00:55:33,288
Forty-million-dollar mansion party
1053
00:55:33,371 --> 00:55:35,540
and she's got one person
on the guest list,
1054
00:55:35,623 --> 00:55:36,458
you.
1055
00:55:37,167 --> 00:55:38,501
That's fucking amazing.
1056
00:55:41,463 --> 00:55:44,382
Unfortunately, you can't go all the way
inside the mansion.
1057
00:55:48,178 --> 00:55:49,804
"It's a big place you got here."
1058
00:55:52,349 --> 00:55:54,267
But you can compliment the door frame.
1059
00:55:56,728 --> 00:55:58,396
-Jiggle the knob.
-
1060
00:55:58,480 --> 00:55:59,564
Jiggle the knob.
1061
00:55:59,647 --> 00:56:03,026
Look for the spare key.
It's in here, up here, and right there.
1062
00:56:03,109 --> 00:56:05,487
That's where the spare key is,
I swear to God.
1063
00:56:05,570 --> 00:56:06,571
Find that shit.
1064
00:56:08,698 --> 00:56:11,910
Malcolm's upstairs, "They got
a Jacuzzi up in this motherfucker."
1065
00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:14,120
Fuck you, Malcolm.
1066
00:56:24,714 --> 00:56:26,674
I'm just gonna tell my son the truth.
1067
00:56:27,217 --> 00:56:29,386
And be like, "Look Joe,
size doesn't matter.
1068
00:56:30,804 --> 00:56:32,180
Size doesn't matter."
1069
00:56:33,390 --> 00:56:34,641
It got quiet in here.
1070
00:56:36,267 --> 00:56:37,310
Does size matter?
1071
00:56:37,394 --> 00:56:38,728
- Yeah.
-Yeah?
1072
00:56:40,230 --> 00:56:41,314
Does size matter?
1073
00:56:41,398 --> 00:56:42,732
Yes!
1074
00:56:43,733 --> 00:56:44,609
Yeah?
1075
00:56:45,151 --> 00:56:45,985
Yes?
1076
00:56:46,069 --> 00:56:47,070
Yes!
1077
00:56:47,153 --> 00:56:48,154
One no!
1078
00:56:54,077 --> 00:56:54,994
I was right.
1079
00:56:57,247 --> 00:56:58,957
I'm gonna ask again, does size matter?
1080
00:56:59,040 --> 00:57:00,458
- Yes!
- No.
1081
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:02,293
Yes.
1082
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:04,170
No, down here.
1083
00:57:04,254 --> 00:57:05,255
Yes, up there.
1084
00:57:09,342 --> 00:57:11,052
See what good credit will get you.
1085
00:57:20,770 --> 00:57:22,522
Good credit gets you downstairs.
1086
00:57:26,526 --> 00:57:27,694
Oh, shit.
1087
00:57:29,737 --> 00:57:32,657
Malcolm's got front row.
He got a big dick and good credit.
1088
00:57:32,740 --> 00:57:33,825
Motherfucker!
1089
00:57:34,117 --> 00:57:35,702
Motherfucker!
1090
00:57:38,163 --> 00:57:39,998
You sure you don't have a big pussy?
1091
00:57:43,835 --> 00:57:45,962
What? Is that fucked up?
1092
00:57:46,629 --> 00:57:49,382
Stop. I said I had a small dick. Stop.
1093
00:57:49,716 --> 00:57:52,719
Maybe that wasn't her yelling.
Maybe that was their big pussy like,
1094
00:57:52,802 --> 00:57:54,137
-"Yes!"
1095
00:57:54,220 --> 00:57:56,598
"Shut up, big pussy." "No, he's a liar."
1096
00:57:56,681 --> 00:57:58,725
"Shut up, big pussy." "No!"
1097
00:58:03,980 --> 00:58:04,814
If...
1098
00:58:04,898 --> 00:58:06,191
If size matters,
1099
00:58:06,274 --> 00:58:08,109
then why is the number-one sex toy
1100
00:58:08,193 --> 00:58:10,945
that's always sold out at the sex shop
that little, tiny...
1101
00:58:13,865 --> 00:58:16,951
Look, look at all the women.
1102
00:58:19,954 --> 00:58:21,331
The size of my dick, right there.
1103
00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:27,754
Every woman buys that fucking thing.
1104
00:58:28,505 --> 00:58:31,758
Not one woman goes in the sex shop
and goes, "I'll take this right here.
1105
00:58:34,093 --> 00:58:37,222
I wanna fuck something
and scratch my throat at the same time."
1106
00:58:41,142 --> 00:58:41,976
Every woman...
1107
00:58:51,819 --> 00:58:54,072
When you use it...
1108
00:58:58,993 --> 00:59:01,162
I love you, Hawaii.
Thank you so much, man.
84087
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof