All language subtitles for Going.Dutch.S01E01.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL[EZTVx.to] eng

Where are we at
with the press release?

Headline, "Colonel Patrick
Quinn to take emergency command

of USAG Bomb Holder."

Then the bio, "A native
of Massachusetts,

the colonel has had
command and staff positions

in five divisions,
including special forces,

throughout his decorated
30-year career."

Mention the Rangers.
People get hard

when I name drop the Rangers.

- Give America erection.
- Mm-hm.

"Awarded the Distinguished
Service Cross for combat heroism

a Purple Heart,
and a Silver Star."

Then we mention your tours
in Iraq and Afghanistan,

and finish with father
to Maeve and Margaret.

No, no, no. Drop the family
stuff. That's too soft.

I'm a man of action.
That's why they want

the big dog close to the border,

in case things pop
off with the Russkies.

Again, sir, gotta hide your
glee for World War III.

It's coming, baby. It's coming.

Congratulations, colonel.

I see you're wearing
your dress blues.

Thank you, General Davidson.
When I imagined this day

in my head, I pictured
myself in my dress blues,

but I didn't imagine
you being here.

I wanted to be here. I
know this is something

you've waited on
for a long time.

How are your girls?

I heard that you
are a grandpa now.

- No, I don't have a grandkid.
- I could have sworn.

- I don't... Oh, the baby, yes.
- The baby?

So there is a grandkid,
but he's not like a real

human being yet, he's more
like, just like a blob.

- His name's Owen.
- I don't love that.

Everyone's great, sir.

And what about your
other daughter?

The one I met at West Point?

I'm sure she's fine.

General, why are you
here specifically?

I'm the new commanding
officer of Baumholder.

No, no. I'm supposed to be

the new commanding
officer of Baumholder.

They told me to report here for
an emergency command position.

Correct. You are reporting here

and taking emergency command
of the USAG Stroopsdorf.

Ninety minutes away
in the Netherlands.

Uh, is that even a combat base?

No, service base.
One of our smallest.

I apologize if our original
message was a little misleading.

It was supposed to
be very misleading.

You remember our
training exercise

a few months ago at Fort Irwin?

- We had body cams on everybody.
- Yeah.

- Colonel Quinn.
- Yeah.

You were in
Task Force Dagger, right?

General Davidson said the
action was really heavy.

Davidson wouldn't know
if there was any action.

Davidson's a giant.

He's never seen any
action. Him and

is like being a

them and the Joint
Chiefs of Staff.

That's first ballot
Hall of Fame.

I-I apologize for that, general.

No need. The brass
wanted you buried

and I volunteered
to dig the hole.

- Why the Netherlands, sir?
- To drive you insane.

The sign makes it seem like

the army base is inside
the bowling alley.

Like one of those Starbucks
that's inside of a supermarket.

Hm.

Still waiting for
my first salute.

Hold on.

Did he just...

Wave to you like Forrest
Gump on a shrimping boat?

- He did.
- Where are the guns? It's weird.

The base, it feels naked.

You know what we'll do?
Get up to that tower.

Some high ground so we can
see what we're working...

Uh-uh-uh. I wouldn't.
Possums don't like it

when you go in their tower.

- Sir.
- Soldier, you need a haircut.

You look like they found
Jesus dead in a river.

- That's funny.
- Oh, boy. No, no...

- No, no, no, no, no, no!
- You! What the...!

- No, no, no, no!
- There's a fat hippie on a bike.

You're wrinkling
your dress blue, sir.

- Okay. Yes.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You know what I'm gonna
do? Work miracles.

That's how I stay in the
race. That's how I get

promoted back to Baumholder.

Ah, no. That's, that's
a little too far, sir.

The race is done. Right
now, you're in the

horse tent, where they
put you down in private.

No one's ever come back
from something like this.

No, no, no. I just
need to stay shiny

and turn this dump
into a, a combat base

full of born-again
badasses with no bikes.

- Get rid of the bikes...
- He's back. He's back.

- The hippie is back.
- All right. Ride away!

- Ride away! Sir.
- I got...

- I-I have to not look at him.
- Hey, hey. Look over there.

That building looks important.

- Welcome to the fromagerie, sir.
- I'm confused.

Cheese is what
Stroopsdorf's known for.

Cheese, laundry, and bowling.

We're in the horse tent.
All right. We need to recon

every inch of this
base immediately.

Of course, sir.

- Cheese.
- Hm.

Laundry.

Bowling. Stroopsdorf
offers all three services

to bases in Germany and Belgium.

No tether-ball? No Apple store?

Sir, why would we
need an Apple store...

when we have a teen center?

Ugh!

Where are the teens?

Oh, there are actually
no kids on the base.

But in last year's budget, there
was money for a teen center.

So now we have a teen center.

Worst tour ever.

Sergeant, thank you. Dismissed.

I'm being stalked by
giant bowling signs.

This place is a boys' and
girls' club for middle-aged

Dutch civilians, including
a small-time gigolo

playing the video game.

Hey, back to work. Move
away from the machine

before I feed you into
it like a quarter.

I am still on early lunch
break. I brought soup from home.

Would you like some? We
could share a spoon. Wow.

- I really like your medals.
- I despise your mesh hoodie.

Then you're going to hate
the fact that this is

actually a onesie.
All right. Bye-bye.

- Not worth it.
- Okay.

This guy I can order
around. Private.

Take me to the base commander.

Yes, sir. Actually,
no, sir. Sorry, sir.

Okay, the commander's
been running the base

remotely for the
last six months, sir.

Take me to whoever's
in-charge of the ground.

Follow me, sir.

I like this private.

- He just ran into a door.
- But at least he ran.

Today, the commander-in-chief's
annual awards

for installation
excellence were announced.

As interim commander,
I am proud to say

that in the category of
European support base

parenthetical small, we
are this year's winners.

As a reward...

we have purchased
state-of-the-art equipment

to improve our
cardiovascular health

and emotional well-being.

It's time...

to silent disco.

- Yes!
- Whoo!

Normally, a colonel
walks onto an army base

and butt holes clench.

But their stink vents
are flapping around

all loosey-goosey.

What the hell?

Talk about loose. I don't even
understand what I'm looking at.

Well, what I don't understand
is why would Davidson send you

to a Dutch Club Med and not
Alaska to freeze your nuts off?

Good point, because
he's the psyops king.

He'd think he'd wanna
send me someplace

where I confront
my biggest fear.

Which is failure. And I've never
failed at anything except...

Uh...

Colonel Quinn, sir, this
is Captain Quinn, sir.

Oh, my God. You guys
have the same last name.

That is so crazy.

Not crazy.

That is my father. Sir.

Stop. Stop dancing.

I'm sure you have
some feelings about me

being stationed here.

- I would rather you not be here.
- I don't wanna be here.

- Oh, you don't? Oh!
- No. Are you kidding?

It's like the last
place I wanna be.

Well, I thought you
wanted to be here.

No, no, no, no, no,
no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

- Oh, great. And why, why...
- Yeah. Yeah.

General Davidson sent
me here as a punishment.

Okay, well, how is
Stroopsdorf a punishment?

Stroopsdorf is not
the punishment.

Being here with you is.

I'm just remembering
this feeling

in my body so I can report
it to my therapist later.

The feeling is red, and
it's shaped like a dagger.

- Sir.
- You don't have to call me sir.

Let's just have a normal
father-daughter... interaction.

I'm really glad
you're still doing

the thing where
you talk to the...

- Therapy.
- Yes. It's great.

Well, then why did you
say no when I asked...

Oh, my god. You're
still on this.

- Two years ago.
- I don't think it was

- two years ago.
- It was exactly two years ago.

That's when I cut
off contact with you.

Hm.

And you did not even notice?

Okay, I was busy saving America.

You should retire.
You're already a legend.

We studied your
missions at West Point.

And yet, you're still
uniquely unqualified

to command a service
base due to the fact

that you're a raging narcissist.

That is a terrible thing
to say to your father.

Number one, number two.

Specifically, which
missions of mine

are they teaching at West Point?

Anybody would ask that.

- Excuse me.
- Hm-mm.

What does XO stand for?

I'm Commander of
Hugs and Kisses.

- Oh, nice.
- It means executive officer.

What does a
executive officer do?

I anticipate every problem,
solve it efficiently...

then I leave without
taking credit.

We provide services
to combat bases.

- I can do this too.
- What are you talking about?

This is a service base.
It doesn't just become

a combat base because you
took a job out of spite.

I do everything out of spite.

My body is 60%
water and 40% spite.

Sorry to interrupt this
very touching reunion.

Just a reminder that
you're both officers

in a glass cube that
everyone can see.

We were trying to leave
the military out of it.

No, no, no. You need to
bring the military back in

and you need to hold on to
it for dear life. Just...

Yeah, yeah. Captain,
you have concerns

about the colonel
commanding Stroopsdorf?

Yes, sir. I have an
operation in motion

that I have spent
ten months planning.

Failure will destabilize
relations in the region

and the colonel's very
presence could sabotage it.

Copy that, captain. Please,
brief us on the operation.

Uh, a bunch of us are marching

in the Tulip, Tulip
Festival tomorrow.

- What?
- I didn't quite hear that.

A bunch of us are marching in
the Tulip Festival tomorrow.

God! I-I-I feel like I'm with
Eisenhower on eve of D-Day.

It is our first ever
invitation to the festival

and it's actually crucial
to our diplomatic mission.

I led Operation Iron Hammer,
Iron Saber, and Iron, um...

- Justice.
- Justice. So I think...

I can handle Operation
Tulip Festival.

Well, I think that you will

break this place
trying to fix it.

And there's actually nothing
wrong with Stroopsdorf.

Really? Can you
show me one thing

that's right about this...

- Place. Good.
- Place?

Welcome to
my pride and joy.

The best dining facility
in the U.S. military.

Because great food increases

productivity and
job satisfaction

which is why we have
the highest morale

of any base in the U.S. Army.

Food was smacking
today, Captain Maggie.

Don't leave him
hanging, Captain Maggie.

Okay.

Uh! Phew! Phew! Phew!

First guns I've
seen on the base.

I do believe you have
the softest troops

in the history
of the U.S. Army.

That's a gross
mischaracterization.

- Major?
- Hand.

Sorry.
That tickles.

Smooth as a baby's bottom.

Lavender?

We pick it in the
afternoon, sir.

Right before nap time.

Moving on.

Mmm.

- Mmm!
- Mm-hm.

How's the chow?

- I've had better.
- I haven't.

Each bite is a Proustian odyssey

propelling me through
space and time.

You're welcome. Stroopsdorf is

the best service base in
Europe, parenthetical small.

We are great at what we do.

We maybe a different
kind of soldier than you,

but we're still soldiers.

We shall see about that.

- Right, major?
- Can I finish?

Oh, we're gonna
finish. Yeah, yeah.

Mm-hm. Get some of that
sauce. Let me get that sauce.

- Oh, cleaning your plate.
- All right.

- Mm-hm.
- Mm-hm.

Company, attention!

I am your new commanding
officer, Colonel Patrick Quinn.

First order of business,

no more giant bowling signs.

It's idiotic! Number two,

everyone in the
courtyard for PT, now!

That's the sound of 100
butt holes puckering.

Keep those knees high! High!

Higher than you heathens get on
a 48-hour leave to Amsterdam.

We're going back to
basics. Basic training.

After this, you
will crawl under barbed wire

to the sound of gunfire
from a Bluetooth speaker,

because none of you can remember
where you put the actual guns.

- Oh!
- Uh! Ah!

Way to you go,
Papadakis. Good try.

What is this, T-ball?
We're not moving on until

Papadakis does this right.

I don't care if it
takes all night.

- Oh, wow!
- Sorry, everybody.

- It's my gout.
- Did he just say gout?

It's a disease where
uric acid builds up.

It's a disease for gluttonous
16th century European nobles,

not active duty US military.

I admit to having a weakness

for rich foods and goose flesh,
much like the kings of old.

- I'm gonna kill him.
- No, it's not...

It's not Papadakis's fault.

I have let go of
the leash a bit.

That is because my focus
has been in other areas.

Quality control.
Customer satisfaction.

What is this, a Panera?

Mm-mm. Oh, come on.

That's the best grilled
cheese I've ever had.

That is because
my supply sergeant

sources all of the
best ingredients.

Where does your supply sergeant
get all these fine ingredients?

I don't ask, and
she doesn't tell me.

Oh, don't ask, don't tell.
You know, I was in the army

the first time they tried
that. Didn't work then, either.

I love a good supply sergeant.

Somebody who can get anything
for anyone from anywhere.

Sometimes it does attract
the unscrupulous type

who wants to just
bleed the US Army dry.

Colonel, are you
accusing Sergeant Conway

of misappropriation
without evidence?

No.

Oh, that's just a supply closet.

There's a key around
here somewhere.

Yeah, it's okay. I have one.

Yeah.

Well, don't ask, don't
tell, huh? It never works,

but if you have to live in a
closet, this would be the one.

I've hung my coat there
like a million times.

All right, Colonel. How
do you wanna play this?

Pour me a glass of that Gamay.

- Any of this legal?
- Legal-ish.

Military spending
is a running faucet.

- I just dip a thimble.
- Hmm.

Colonel, you just knocked
down a door into the Goonies'

treasure cave. Why
are you not upset?

Because this is no
longer an investigation.

It is now a job interview.

And sergeant, I want
you to be part of my

personal staff, Team Shiny.

- Sure.
- Could you give us a second?

Thank you.

Ah, ah. You don't get Gamay.

- But I like Gamay.
- No, no, no.

You don't get Gamay.

Not if you turn an
entire US Army base

into Captain Maggie's
Montessori School.

But don't worry.
I'm in charge now,

and the party... is over.

This Tulip festival
is over 500 years old.

And started within
these medieval walls.

I made you these cards
just to give you context

for everything that's
gonna happen and you can...

Done a million
parades, number one.

Number two, I'm
electric off the cuff.

So if you wanna worry about
something, worry about

your soldiers tripping
over their own sacks.

Or, or, lady sacks. Don't wanna
be accused of being sexist.

Well, it was sexist, so...

The Colonel wanted me to
tell you that he appreciates

all the work you put
into this festival.

- No, he didn't.
- No, he didn't.

- That usually works.
- Positive feedback...

would require emotions, empathy.

He didn't even cry at
his own mother's funeral.

I would do anything
to see him cry.

Operation Iron Tear.

Am I right?
Operation Iron Tear.

- Yeah, I know, I got it. Yeah.
- Okay.

Hello, I'm Katja Vanderhoff,

head of troops of
Chamber of Commerce.

Nice to meet you. I'm
Colonel Patrick Quinn.

Hope you guys take
it easy on me today.

I'm a Tulip Festival virgin.

Well, I hope you last
longer than most virgins.

So what is your business?

Maybe I'll stop by
and say hi sometime.

I own the local brothel.

You know, maybe I'll just see
you out in the street or...

Not-not street corner, because
obviously you're a high class...

owner of a business. Hm.

I'll give the speech.

- What are you doing here?
- Hi, so I'm Jan.

And I'm the translator.

Doesn't everybody speak English?

Sure, but I also
translate social cues.

For example, you
really like her,

but you're trying to hide it.

Why?

Get away from me.

Good luck.

Good afternoon, I am
Colonel Patrick Quinn,

commander of USAG Stroopsdorf.

We are proud to represent
our home country of America,

and proud to be included as
members of this community.

Electric off the cuff.

Up first are some
of our soldiers,

approaching with
wheels of cheese.

Ooh!

That's what we do.

Stroopsdorf is one of the
things we make cheese.

And now, uh, the laundry project

from Stroopsdorf.

- What're they doing? Oh.
- It's in the note cards.

They are performing a...

interpretive dance

about laundry.

Circ the laundry.

That is just a long
time for them to...

You know, I used
to lead soldiers

into battle to
fight our enemies.

Now I lead them
into a fight stains.

Oh, they are doing so good.

He's gonna explode.

Giant bowling sign.
Okay, everybody down!

What was the first thing
I said on the first day?

First order I gave.

No giant...

Would you stop?

- No, colonel! Dad!
- Stop!

What happened to
your gout, Papadakis?

Big time players make big
time plays in big time games.

You're a big time disgrace.

What? Hey!

- Yeah?
- Being very American.

It's better than being from a
country that legalized drugs

and ratted out Anne Frank.

Really...

The crowd did not
really like that joke.

They found it super offensive.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

Thank you for
reporting that to me.

All right. Well,
let's clean that up.

Get out of the way.

Get out of the way.

Hey.

Conway told me where
you like to go in town.

And, uh, I wanted to apologize.

Okay. Go
ahead. Apologize.

I just did.

So, I'm putting together

a thing I like to
call Team Shiny.

Which is like the best of
the best at Stroopsdorf.

Which is a little bit
like trying to make

a basketball team of the
world's tallest midgets.

- You can't say that.
- All right, little people.

- No.
- I don't think there's

another word that I could say.

No, no. I'm not joining.

And you know what?
I'm not at work,

so you're actually
not my commander.

You're just my dad, and I
don't really talk to my dad.

You're serious?

After I came down here
and tried to be nice...

- Come on.
- Hmm.

I can say midget
whenever I want.

I fought in Iraq, so...

Midget, midget, midget.

- Yes?
- You were right.

Can't say the M
word. I Googled it,

and apparently the little
bastards really hate it.

- I'm hanging up.
- No, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Don't hang up. I-I wanted
to ask you something.

If you hate me so much, why
did you follow in my footsteps?

Like, what's the
point in everything?

I wanna keep being of service.

I wanna run for public office,

Congresswoman, senator.

And if things break
right...

um, President.

You wanna be President?

If things break right, I said.

So you're a stone-cold
psycho. You're-you're...

much more like me
than you even think.

This is why I don't tell people.

- That you wanna be President?
- That you're my dad.

Okay.

When I screwed up at the parade,

I saw that look on your face.

And it was the same
one you gave me

whenever I came back later

than I promised you I would.

Which was, let's face
it, most of the time.

You would look up
at me with those...

big eyes...

as if to say...

"I know you don't wanna
be here, you coward."

Hello?

Colonel.

- Dad.
- Oh!

- Dad.
- Ugh!

It's happening.
Operation Iron Tear.

It's happening.

Move!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh!
Tear! Tear! Tear!

No, no, it's just my
eyes were watering.

- I have allergies.
- Ah-huh.

It's the tulips. They're
freaking everywhere.

Thanks for... finally calling.

Uh, it doesn't make
sense for us to

just be a combat base or
just be a service base.

We really have to be
both, so that means...

we're gonna have
to work together.

Looks good on the resume.

I'd only do it to win Ohio.

- Of course.
- Okay, deal.

- Okay.
- I'm gonna go

get some Kleenex so that
we can wipe the tears

that were just rolling
down your face.

- Don't need them.
- You guys got tissues

for men crying?

- Ah, first strike of the day.
- Yeah, boy!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry. No, that's my bad.

I take things too far.

Where did you find the guns?

Underneath the
Halloween decorations.

- Oh.
- Can I?

No. No, no, no.
No. You're done.

It's going so well.