Original subtitles

The stigmas in most species of nymphaeaceae,

the stigma, which is the male...the female organ,

actually gets warm

by three to six degrees centigrade

and emits a smell...

PHONE RINGS

..a pheromone. And the pheromone...

RINGING CONTINUES

Sh! Sh! ..attracts the insects

and the insects...erm... Shush!

RINGING CONTINUES Shush what?

CAMERAMAN: The phone... The phone!

But the phone's interrupting me, not me the phone!

Yes, but...

Do you want me to stop?

I heard, through the body odour of others we realise

if we are genetically matching or not.

Unfortunately, the way nature works

is of odour, rather than perfume.

That's the way it is. I'm sorry I can't change it.

I smell and I like (LAUGHS) to smell people as well!

If I smell you in the street, don't be offended.

I went to an animal...rescue charity

in a very deprived part of Northwest London.

Erm...and I took one look at her

and...

erm...something happened.

It was one look, absolutely one look.

I didn't really like him, actually, at the beginning

because I thought he was a bit of a sort of, know-it-all.

Erm...but the way he ate his sandwich.

Erm...that was it, really.

And you could see his stomach.

So, yeah, that's why I quite liked him first of all.

You've got to be confident and er...optimistic.

If you're pessimistic and always on the back foot,

I don't think you get anywhere.

Yeah, bit of the old cockiness. I think they all like a bit of that.

I am sexy all the time. Do you know what I mean?

Which part of you, exactly? Oh, all of me of course.

You know, I feel like that when I get out in the mornings,

and I feel very sexy.

Most of the times you're not there but there you are, you know, can't help that, can you?

Do you feel sexy? Not at all.

Well, it is early, isn't it?

Yeah, sure. Of course I'm sexy.

I can use my voice.

I can tell you, "I love you."

I can whisper this in your ear

a hundred million times and you will scream for more, more, more!

I have a great smile,

which you will never find anywhere else

in this world.

It sounds corny now, but he's always got the same chat-up line.

You know what it is?

You know the best part of your body?

The bit in between the top of your head and the bottom of your feet.

All of you's lovely. I've seen some lasses in my time

but you're way ahead in the queue when they dished out good looks.

But when I was saying these things I had my fingers crossed.

Biggest turn-on for me?

Lovely bottoms. They must have a nice bottom.

I'm not too bothered about the front bit

but the bottom bit I do quite like.

I'd never worried about size or shape or...

I'd lived with mongrels for half my life.

Erm...and suddenly, here was I, head over heels...

in love? Or what?

It's lovely being in love. It makes you all twinkly and all happy.

Sometimes, I can't think straight because I'm thinking of him.

(PROLONGED SCREAM)

CRASH

If you're looking for a disco-dancing spring rabbit,

then you would find me a bit boring.

But if you are the kind of person who likes to sit around and...

moan a lot, then you could say I'm a very good companion.

No, actually he's not too bad. He's not that unsavoury a person.

I think he's all right.

Thank you.

I'm really intolerant. "I'm not that unsavoury a person"?

The thing is with you, your mother did everything for you.

And then when you come up to me you're ruddy, bloody useless!

"Obey," that's what the vicar said. No, I didn't.

When we got married, we didn't, I did not obey.

Obey. No, I didn't obey.

Obey. No.

I have lots of trapped air that has to get out somehow.

And that's really bad when you're sleeping with someone.

The methane gas is (FARTS) er...

lighter than air so you end up on the ceiling. (FARTS)

So that's why I choose not to sleep with anybody

and that's why I don't have a partner for a long time (FARTS).

(CAMERAMAN LAUGHS) It's the methane gas's fault.

(BIG FART)

I've got about... Wait, let me count.

19 boys fancy me,

but I don't fancy them.

I actually fancy Roo and he fancies me.

Cos you're pretty, that's why.

I'm really gonna get him for that.

I used to be very romantic, when I was younger.

I think everybody younger is very romantic.

Fall in love. Thinking about the partner.

Doing different things to them in your head.

Erm...

Romantic? No, not really. Yeah, you are.

No, I'm not. You are.

(COOING) Load of nonsense. Nonsense.

No. I don't think so.

I think you are. You're very thoughtful.

(SNIFFS) You are.

You've never said that before.

Well, I'm not on tape then, am I?

Yeah, now, I am a little bit romantic. I like to erm...

I like to lavish gifts upon my wife.

And I like to treat her to things that I know that she likes.

Trip down Tesco's?!

Trip down Tesco's - she loves all that stuff.

What about me? Are you romantic?

You tell me.

No, you're not.

Aren't I? No.

I am. No, you're not.

You're just saying that now.

No, I'm not.

I am, actually.

I do believe in love at first sight.

but I'm not saying it does anyone any good, what happens after that.

That's as much as I'm saying.

Ha, I've got three, you see.

But there's one - I can never remember her name.

Er, she does a lot of riding.

I'm trying to think of her flipping name now.

What's she called?

Well, let's just call her Rosie for today. Yeah, Rosie.

Good old Rosie.

Oh!

I've pulled a mussel!

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