Original subtitles

Well, the difference between cats and dogs...

cats don't wag their tail like a dog.

And erm... Yes, they do.

Sometimes they do. They don't go...

Oh, no. They don't do that.

Erm, and they don't...

sit and go... (PANTS)

And they don't fetch balls as well as dogs.

And they don't...

One's got a waggy tail and a cold nose

and the claws are totally contracted all the time.

Whereas the others contract their claws and have sharper teeth

and...pointed ears.

Which one's which?

The cats are the ones with contracted claws and sharp teeth

and sharp, pointed ears.

(COUGHS) Excuse me. I think I'm an oddity.

I've got a foot in both camps, really.

And er...I appreciate either animal

for very different qualities.

I like dogs better than cats, though.

I don't. They seem to be...

more friendly, somehow.

Dogs greet you, whereas cats just sit.

They can sleep for so long.

Cats can appear to be lazy.

But I don't think they are.

They have big claws.

Like bears.

And they look like bears.

They just sit about all day and get fed

and go miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow.

I find cats, they claw the carpet a lot.

They're a complete nuisance, actually.

Miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow.

I think you get more out of a dog in...in response.

They're more interesting.

I think they're thicker than cats, personally.

Do you? I do.

Miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow, miaaaow.

And I go, shut up.

I used to be a chaser, myself.

But, I mean...

..it's about what?

It's all about competitiveness.

You see these blokes who say they've been let off a lead.

And then, like...

what a life, man.

Watching hounds after a hare. You know what I mean? It's...

I've been bitten by dogs, I've been bitten by cats,

I've been bitten by...

oooh...you name it, I'll claim it.

Once I was walking past a um...

..a house and the door suddenly flew open

and a dog with a head the size of erm...

Albania jumped out and its teeth were an inch away from my face.

And its mouth was so big,

I could have lived inside that mouth quite comfortably.

And I was nearly killed.

I've been chased by a Great Dane, a slavering big thing.

And it frightened me.

I've been bitten by a beagle,

I've been chased by an Old English sheepdog...

(GIGGLES)

...which was er...

I would say that was a springboard into me becoming a Christian.

Mm.

You always say dogs come sniffing at your private parts.

Do I?

That's one thing you always say. Well, they tell me they're not.

They're just being affectionate.

Dogs wag their tails to get the smell of their farts away.

And the cat just walks around with its tail in the air.

Dogs I like very much because of their great intelligence

and loyalty generally.

They're just so animated and...

..you know, are...great chums.

I don't think I've ever had fleas.

The closest I ever got was scabies.

And that was quite er... quite bad enough.

You had to entirely cover your body from head to toe

with this alcohol solution.

And there was always this nagging doubt

that some part of your anatomy would catch light, like a fuse.

And it would just be an enormous blue puff.

I think the best thing to do is to put on some flea powder,

which you get from the vet.

It's probably not a good idea to have a good scratch,

because um, that makes it red and raw and a bit rough, and everything.

You know, I've never had any breed that's been...

a kind of a pampered...you know,

pooch, you know.

They breed these mutant dogs, don't they,

and give them awards for how mutated they look.

And if it's the perfect mutant, it's got a pedigree.

But it you crossbreed with another mutant, it's called a mongrel.

Most pedigree dogs, to get 'em perfect,

you've got things wrong with 'em.

The er...

It's either the bull terrier or the bulldog can hardly breathe.

Cos they're bred into 'em, that flattened face.

It's a bulldog, innit?

A lot of the breeds have suffered, the ones they show at Crufts.

They look ridiculous, with silly bows.

They look stupid.

I'm certainly a loyal companion.

But I have to say I've been let down a lot, too, in my life.

I might be very loyal, but I do, like my father said before me...

..he said, "You trust everybody once."

And that's what I do.

I trust everybody once, no matter who they are.

So, I'm loyal... to the point...of disloyalty.

Cats, on the other hand...

..they are the clever ones.

They give humans nothing.

I'm not a cat person. No. They're not loving enough.

And they hiss a bit and they don't do anything.

They wee all over the garden and leave brown stains on the grass

and just make a nuisance of themselves. (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

I've defecated outside. Course I have.

You know what I mean?

If you step in dog mess...

erm...then it's... it's not very hygienic

and it's not very um...

It's just not nice.

You kind of get an antenna.

It's like you see... (MAKES POPPING SOUNDS)

What's going on over there?

Sidestep it.

And if you can't, make sure you come through it.

At the end of the day, cats, when they go to the toilet,

they clean up and cover up after them.

And that has got to be a sign of higher intelligence.

That's a dirty, filthy business.

And that ought to be stopped totally.

I think dogs are more... For a start, I think they smell more.

Whereas a cat, you can leave a cat to it...

whereas with a dog...

But if you've got a burglar coming in your house,

at least a dog makes a noise.

Yeah, but you could throw the cat at the burglar.

That's a silly thing to say.

Dogs are more interesting, and that's the end of it. (LAUGHS)

No, it's not the end of it.

We'll just have to agree to disagree, then.

I've got a lovely smile, my mum says.

So...

I look good for my age, too.

No.

I can't...

No.

No, I think I'm...

No.

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