Original subtitles

I'd like to be a bird.

Something like an Andean condor.

Lots of space, you know.

Big bird of prey, something like that.

Soaring above the mountains.

And just looking down.

Looking for your dinner.

A nice big albatross.

Knowing my luck, I'll be reincarnated as a sparrow.

Ribbit! Ribbit!

ROAR!

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

CLUCK! CLUCK!

CHIRP

WOOF! WOOF!

OINK!

MOO!

And birds go...

(RASPBERRY)

No, they go... Woooooo!

(RASPBERRY)

SINGING

SINGING

I like to put food out for them.

Nuts. Especially in the winter.

You see them in the trees

and they're looking a bit nonplussed, aren't they?

But I put one of those peanut things out recently,

thinking I was doing them a good turn.

And it was, like, ten weeks later,

there was no visible sign of any nut disappearing.

And I thought, "What's this all about?"

I don't know.

Had you opened the bag?

Well, you don't open the bag, do you?

They're supposed to go through the bag, aren't they?

Yeah, I don't think bland comes into our eating.

We're definitely...

What would you say? Gourmets or gourmands, whichever word it is.

We like to indulge

and enjoy the food, really.

I think there's a good variety in what we eat.

Thai, Indian, Chinese.

French, Italian.

Whatever... Traditional British.

As long as it tastes good, I'll eat it.

Best of all, of course, is duck.

The only thing you can do is not to make eye contact.

If you make eye contact, it just has you.

You're easy prey. You're a nice bit of meat.

Nice and small. "I could soon whip him round!"

Perhaps that's what they do.

"He's vulnerable. I'll have this one."

When you're up a tree,

you're head and shoulders above all the buildings.

You can see the contours of the land.

There's something immensely liberating about that.

It's real freedom to be up there in the wind.

How do birds stay up in the air?

Um... It's all to do with aerodynamics.

And that's far too complicated for me to go into now.

Some things aren't worth thinking about, are they, like that?

Not all birds stay up in the air. No, they don't.

If you dropped an emu out of an aircraft,

it wouldn't stay in the air. No.

The first time I flew myself, I was scared silly.

(LAUGHS) But I quickly started to enjoy it.

Every day, there's something new, something different.

Got to keep learning.

Birds stay in the air through magic.

There's all these scientists and naturalists

who think they've got it sussed. But it's all magic.

You think it's sort of Peter Pan? Have a happy thought?

Yeah, birds are happy. And that's why they can fly.

It's brilliant. When you're flying down the M6,

truckers flash their lights when they see you.

There's no better feeling. It's really free.

It's wonderful. It's a wonderful feeling.

Yeah.

You gotta limber up, you gotta loosen up.

Mmmm!

You gotta get all... Mmmmmmm!

You know what I mean? You've got to warm it up before you let rip.

Yes, I've never flown.

'Cept I have jumped.

I'm very brave at some things.

I don't like to take off. I like to land.

Me personally, I do like taking off.

You know, the pull of it. When you're actually...take off.

Yeah, I do enjoy that.

Taking off. The surge, the acceleration, the noise.

Once you're airborne and everything's stabilised,

you're perfectly all right.

Obviously, turbulence isn't much fun.

But it's not usually anything to worry about.

I've never flown in really bad weather.

If you've got that flying bug, then I don't think you really lose that.

Doesn't matter how many times you take off into a dawn,

or landing at sunset, it's a special thing.

I've got the best sense of direction.

Anne has got no sense of direction!

(LAUGHS) None at all. Have you, Anne?

No, definitely not.

Definitely not, no. I haven't got a clue on direction.

How to get there, how to get back. Haven't got a clue.

I could lose her round the block!

She won't be able to get back. Definitely not!

Oh, well. Would we say we've got a good sense of direction?

I mean, we're blokes. We don't have to stop and ask for directions.

You never get lost, do you, blokey? I've never been lost in my life.

I've been temporarily misplaced, but never actually lost.

So I'd say I've got a good sense of direction.

Without landmarks, I'm lost. (LAUGHS)

Without landmarks, I really am useless. (LAUGHS)

And you take a right!

And it's down there! (LAUGHS)

Myself personally, I don't like heights.

We've never actually ever been on what I'd call a long flight, no.

It's been four hours at the most, hasn't it?

How I'd fare on a seven or 11 hour flight, I just do not know.

I don't think I'd handle it very well at all, to be honest with you.

Pigeons are vermin.

Sky rats, that's what I call pigeons.

What we need is a few more peregrine falcons round London.

Or hawks. Sort them out, know what I mean?

But it's getting smaller and smaller and smaller, the areas we can go to.

It would be great just to roar down London's high street, you know.

Woo-hoo! Check me out, everybody! I'm coming past you! Whooo!

That would be cool.

It's not the fear of flying, it's the fear of crashing.

People say they're scared of flying, they're not.

They're frightened of dying.

Funnily enough, I've only actually been flying

about four times in my life.

I went to Italy in May.

That I found fine. I realised it was an irrational fear.

But before that, it was like a white-knuckle ride.

I do have quite a few fears and phobias.

I don't like heights either.

But flying was a bad one for me for a while.

But I'm fine with it now.

I don't think I've got a fear of heights.

Maybe a fear of falling from a great height.

But... Those...

Being up on a high place doesn't give me the shivers.

Other things do. CAR HOOTS

But not heights. I've not got a problem with heights.

I actually fell through a couple of skylights on roofs.

(LAUGHS) I actually fell through the skylight

and dropped through into the kitchen area.

They weren't happy. Not through the fact I cut all my legs.

I had ruined their dinner.

He had a bad accident about two years ago.

A flying one. Crashed into the ground, didn't you?

Yes. (LAUGHS)

It was quite a turbulent day.

And er... I started spinning.

Mm.

I saw the ground coming up.

I was going to crash near people.

And broke my pelvis.

Oh, nasty.

Pelvis broke off, came up and hit my ribs.

Ooh!

Did the ribs break as well? Yeah.

It did? The pelvis broke the ribs?! Ohhh!

Ooh! You're lucky it didn't hit your head though.

Yeah.

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# BARBER SHOP WHISTLING

# BEATBOX

Actually, I find that one of the most relaxing sounds there is...

Birds singing.

Yeah, lovely.

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